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] Golly Mackenzie
: [runs up with Duncan
] Archie, son... Duncan
: Your dad. It's your dad, Archie. Archie MacDonald
: [he and Lexie grin
] What's the old fool done now?
[the two look at him
: [inside, calling up toward where she paints
] Molly! Molly! Molly MacDonald
: Killwillie? What do you want?
: [muffled, with the ball in his mouth as he crawls forth
] Now, like this, like that, let's go through it once more, and then you drop it, all right.
[releases the ball from his mouth
] Hector MacDonald
: All right? Did you *get* that? Molly MacDonald
: [as he puts it back in his mouth and the dog whimpers as she calls from just outside the house
] Hector - come inside, Archie's some sort of announcement to make. Hector MacDonald
: [muffled once more
] In a minute!... Now watch, I'm ready, like that, all right, and you drop it
[releases it from his mouth again
] Hector MacDonald
: like that.
[the dog gazes at the ball then back up at him, Hector stands
] Hector MacDonald
: Well, at least I've solved the problem of what to call you. Come on, then - Useless.
: Archie, I hope this is not going to take *too* long. Golly Mackenzie
: I've got a map to pick up from the library, Archie. Molly MacDonald
: Archie, darling, I promised to give a talk for the Golf Club ladies on a new approach to sandwich design. Hector MacDonald
: And I'm going fishing with Useless. Duncan
: And I have something really important to do, as well... It's quite important. Archie MacDonald
: [shares an amused glance with Lexie
] Well, shouldn't take too long, should they? Just seven words. Lexie
: Eight. Archie MacDonald
: [as a horn sounds outside
] The thing is... Molly MacDonald
: [goes to look out the window
] It can't be. Can it? It is! It's Jo! It's Jo! Hector MacDonald
: Hell. Duncan
: [following them and Golly toward the doorway
] Will you excuse me, it's just that there's something more interesting happening, outside.
] Archie MacDonald
: ...Lexie and I are going to get married. Yeah, you're right, it *is* eight words.
: Molly, I refuse to be insulted in the hallway of my own house! Molly MacDonald
: Would you rather be insulted in the hallway of someone else's house? That can easily be arranged!
: Oh, how lovely. You're coming back to spawn at the place of your birth, just like a salmon.
: Now, you will tell Lizzie that I'm sorry I can't be there, but what with everything I have... Molly
: I'm sure she'll understand. I'll give you a call as soon as I've any news. Archie
: Right. Kilwillie
: Good trip, Molly; bring back a bucking son and heir. Molly
: I'll try.
: Oh darling, are you absolutely sure you won't come? Hector
: Childbirth's not really my bag, darling, all that yelling and thrashing about. Molly
: I'll give you a call as soon as we get to London. Hector
: I expect a full report: height, weight, condition of teeth, and so on. Lexie
: I don't think a newborn baby's supposed to have any teeth. Hector
: I mean the father. Find out when the bounder's going to make an honest woman of my daughter.
: Don't bait your father, dear. He may be an insufferable dinosaur but there's no need to stoop to his level. It's like teasing a child.
: Do you know, I had all three of my children in this house and hector managed, somehow, not to be here each and every time. Hector
: I couldn't bear to see you suffer, all that thrashing about. Molly MacDonald
: He was still in the Reserves, of course, when Jamie was born. Hector
: Posted overseas. Molly MacDonald
: Cheltenham. And then when you Lizzie came along, he and Kilwillie went off to the Royal Highland Show. Came back three days later, still roaring drunk with some kind of combine harvester. Hector
: Massey Ferguson 340. Still in perfect working order. Lizzie MacDonald
: I didn't think we did combine harvesting. Archie MacDonald
: We don't. Molly MacDonald
: And then with Archie, we did manage to keep him that time. Locked all the doors, battened down the hatches and then we found a rope ladder hanging down from the tower. Eventually got a phone call two days later from a B&B in, oh where was it again? Stromness. Hector
: Ullapool, actually. Molly MacDonald
: I'm not speaking to you.
: Lizzie, I know I'm hopelessly old fashioned, but we haven't missed anything, have we? Like an engagement? Lizzie MacDonald
: Mummy... Hector MacDonald
: Mmm... I see. Time you took matters in hand, I think.
[hands Archie something
] Archie MacDonald
: What's this? Hector MacDonald
: Keys to the shotgun rack. Archie MacDonald
: Father, surely a rifle would be more humane. Hector MacDonald
: I'm talking about family honour, damn it. Archie MacDonald
: Well, a bit late to worry about that.
: Archie, don't ask us to choose between the two of you. Archie MacDonald
: I'd never do that. I don't want to hear the answer.
: How's the new well going? Archie MacDonald
: It's a rather small hole in the ground filled with rain water. Molly MacDonald
: Really? I thought we had lots of those.
: How are you two? Molly MacDonald
: Oh, much the same. A little seized up at the joints. Lizzie MacDonald
: You should let Neil give you a massage. He's very talented. Lizzie MacDonald
: Really? How interesting. Shiatsu? Hector MacDonald
: Bless you.
: Duncan has a problem. Lexie
: Just the one? Molly MacDonald
: His friend, Marie-Helene, has clearly misunderstood one of Duncan's letters. French can be such a tricky language; I mean you ask for a hairbrush and they bring you a horse-brush; it's all too, too muddling. Anyway, as I was saying, dear Marie-Helene seems confused about what it is that Duncan actually does. Lexie
: Well, that's no surprise. Half the time Duncan's confused about about what he actually does.
: You want me to do Duncan's job, and Duncan to do mine? Molly MacDonald
: Very good, dear; it would have taken me hours to explain something like that to your father.
: [the fire alarm goes off
] Is there a fire? Archie MacDonald
: No, just another one of his safety tests. Molly MacDonald
[starts to follow Archie up the stairs
] Molly MacDonald
: Oh, um Archie... Archie MacDonald
: Mother, you've got to leave the house. Molly MacDonald
: But you said there isn't a fire. Archie MacDonald
: Okay, the house is in flames, you're going to be burnt to a frazzle. Molly MacDonald
: Oh, why didn't you tell me, dear? You know how panicked I get.
[she runs around the house madly to try and find things to save
: [Thinking the house is on fire
] I do hope it's not a big fire. Hector would be terribly disappointed to miss it.
: [reading a letter
] Oh no. Paul
: I had no choice. In the last year we've failed to reach the income targets laid out in our business plan. I thought the bank was going to give us more time. They haven't. So they've foreclosed on the loan to the estate. Selling the house is the obvious way of paying it off.
: [to Hector's ghost
] I could kill you. It's a good job you're already dead!
: I would rather be poor with a man I love than rich with someone I don't.
: [at a service dedicating a memorial for Hector
] Forgive me, Fiona. I just want to say a few words. Mainly to this man here
[indicates Peter Finlay with his hand
] Golly Mackenzie
: Peter Finlay you've been gone from this place for nigh on forty years and I've seen your face in my dreams countless times. You suffered a terrible wrong here. You were no thief. And I know that for the simple reason that I was. Jessica McCrae
: Dad... Golly Mackenzie
: I know... I know. It was Old Golly, the faithful servant, the upright man. I'm afraid it's true. Molly
: My ring? Golly Mackenzie
: I stole this ring. I robbed my Laird and I let another man suffer for my crime. Molly... Molly... the moment you came to Glenbogle I was daft about you. Never felt that way before. But, you were out of my reach and you had Hector, the love of your life. But I had to have something of you, a token of you, of what I felt for you... Molly
: Golly... Golly Mackenzie
: So I took this and I stood by and watched Hector convict young Finlay here. You were in Molly's bedroom that day fixing her radiator. Wrong place, wrong time. Peter Finlay
: You! Golly Mackenzie
: I was young... very young, very foolish. I'm making no excuses.If it's any consolation, I have been punished for it. I've never known happiness - lasting happiness - with any woman. Well... I brought that on myself.
[hands ring to Molly
] Golly Mackenzie
: Please, take that back. I'm sorry. I'm sorry Peter.
: [hanging up a portrait of Hector on the wall
] Is he straight? Molly MacDonald
: As much as he ever was.
: The late Mr. MacDonald made a number of wills. In the latest he wrote out the bequests on separate sheets in his own hand, which he was keen for you to read yourselves. Golly
: I'll, uh..."To my liege man Golly, as true a man as I've ever known, I leave what remains of my once-mighty collection of single malt whiskeys, in the hope that he will toast our association every Saint Andrew's Day." That I will, Hector. Duncan
: "To my assistant gillie and court jester Duncan, I leave the entire contents of my wardrobe in the hope that this may encourage him to wear something other than that filthy ki...kilt and moth-eaten cardigan he insists on donning every day." It's not a cardy; it's a fleece. I paid eight quid for that. Lexie
: "To estimable Alexandra, I bequeath a sufficient sum for a new set of saucepans, the remainder to be spent on garments that expose her even more estimable midriff." Molly
: "To my darling wife, best friend and good companion Molly, I bequeath the rest of my goods and effects as well as my ridiculously puny personal holdings in the hope thay they will help her become a very merry widow."
: [Molly and Golly are sitting up with Hector's coffin the night before the burial
] Golly: Do you know how I came to work here, Molly? Molly MacDonald
: Molly: It was a family thing, wasn't it? Your father worked here, and his father before him and so on. Golly
: Golly: No, Hector... didn't tell you the story, no? Molly MacDonald
: Molly: No. Golly
: Golly: Well, to begin with when I was a boy, I was a bit of a tearaway. Molly MacDonald
: Molly: Really? Golly
: Golly: Didn't get on with dad-a hard, unbending man. Used to knock me about, especially when the drink was on. Anyway, when I left school, he got me a place here, but I didn't want that. Under his thumb, under his fist all day. So, what I did is I took a silver tankard from the dining room. I hid it in my bedroom so that-well, I made sure that-my father would find it and haul me up in front of Hector's dad, which he did. And I got the push. By then my father kicked me out so I was disgraced, but I was free of him. Molly MacDonald
: Molly: So, how...? Golly
: Golly; Well after I caravaned, Molly, I worked on the roads. I took to the bottle big time. I was a mess. Meanwhile Hector's dad pegged out so Hector became the Laird. And then my father went. He was carrying a stag he'd shot. He just collapsed. Heart attack. Dead before he hit the heather. Anyway, at the funeral, Hector offered me my dad's job. Me... a thief, an outcast. He knew, Molly, he knew. I don't think I'd be here now if he hadn't done that... he saved my life. Underneath all that daftness, he was a great man. I'm so sorry I wasn't with him. I'll be sorry to the end of my days.
[Molly throws Duncan a book
: "The Art of War"? Molly
: A lot of useful advice in there for the aspiring businessman. Duncan
] "Employ deception. Although you are competent, appear incompetent." I can manage that. Molly
: Keep going. Duncan
: "A bushel of your enemies provisions is worth twenty of our own." Molly
: Sheep stealing, Duncan, has a long and noble history. Where do you think the aristocracy started?
: Cheer up. Think positively. Duncan
: I am. I'm thinking I'm positively crap at this job.
: It's the advertising rates for the local paper. I mean nobody reads it. They just use it to wrap chips. Molly
: Can't you afford an advertisement? Duncan
: Oh aye, maybe. If I sell a kidney. Molly
: Well you'll just have to ask Stella for the money. Duncan
: I think I'd rather sell the kidney.
: Happy anniversary, you sentimental old fool. Hector
: I wanted to buy you a ruby, but the fireworks were cheaper.
: [he shakes pepper on his pork
] It *is* seasoned, Hector. Molly MacDonald
: Archie, perhaps you'd tell your father that it is an insult to the cook to fling condiments on a carefully-prepared dish like that? Hector
: Archie, would you tell your mother to mind her own business, and keep her elegant nose out of my dinner?
: I had a brainwave. You know that notion of selling the village, Archie? Archie MacDonald
: Oh, yeah. Fleming
: I thought of someone who might give you a good price. Hector
: What do you mean, "sell the village"? Fleming
: Another client of the bank. A rather good client, actually. Hector
: who? Fleming
: Your friend and neighbor Killwillie. Hector
: Killwillie? Fleming
: He said that that land once belonged to *his* family, Mr. MacDonald, until yours stole it with considerable bodily harm in 1588. He wants it back and is happy to pay bigtime for it. Hector
: Over my dead body! Lexie
: [setting down wine
] That can easily be arranged. Hector
: Now look h...
] Molly MacDonald
: Mr. Fleming, that sounds an excellent idea.
[Hector flings down his napkin and gets up to storm off
] Molly MacDonald
: Where are you going? Hector
: The stench of betrayal, has ruined my appetite.
: I don't suppose he'll remember. Never does. Sorry, as you were. He did remember our 25th. Even gave me a gift. The collected works of Sir Walter Scott, bound in deerskin. It sadly wasn't properly cured and the dogs tore it to bits one day in a wild, animalistic frenzy.
: Well, magical moment. Molly
: To your first-born, Archie. Hector
: And don't hang about. Archie
: Well, the way things are going, I wouldn't hold your breath. Slange. Kilwillie
[all four down the whiskey, then choke
: It's gone off. Tough luck, old man.
[starts to laugh
: It's gone off.
: Would you like a beer? Molly
: Oh, no thanks. It always makes me fart. And we can't have flatulence amongst the ruling classes, can we?
: Oh Duncan, you look like a porn star from the 1970s.
: Duncan, this is Mrs Munro. She's a water diviner. Could you possibly show her where the loo is, she's having trouble finding it.
: [At the art show
] What's your piece called? Andrew Booth
: Bust Of A Young Girl. Molly MacDonald
: What a lot of bust she has.
: I was thinking about the future. Molly MacDonald
: I wish people wouldn't do that. Very little good comes of it.
: I've just come to see you, tell you some of the things that have been happing in my life. Molly MacDonald
: Must you? Lizzie MacDonald
: And my plans for the future. Molly MacDonald
: Oh Elizabeth, you haven't joined another sect, have you?
: Tell me, how's that bar of yours doing? Molly MacDonald
: Hector, behave. Archie
: It's not a bar, it's a restaurant. It opened last night. Hector
: Never thought a son of mine would turn out a publican. I blame that awful Thatcher woman.
: Hector, must you be so rude? Hector
: Bad behaviour is one of the few privileges of old age.
: Do you need a hand? Lexie
: I need several pairs.
: Good Lord, by the time I was thirty, I had three children. Molly
: I know; I was there.
: The Oxford English Dictionary defines a dungeon as a subterranean stone cellar for the incarceration and correction of the guilty. Incarceration may be over, but the correction is about to begin.
: Lexie, have you seen the family bible? Lexie McTavish
: It's in the estate office propping up the desk.
: I've been slapping down uppity females for 40 years. Not going to stop now. Molly MacDonald
: Oh, Hector, you couldn't slap anyone down. Even if you were holding a large wet haddock in each hand.
: Molly, that cell-like chamber downstairs. Molly MacDonald
: The drawing room, yes. Hector
: There's a hole in the wall. Molly MacDonald
: It's called a hatch. I shall be conveying your supper through it. Baked beans on toast, and so on. Hector
: Dreadfully suburban.
: [to Archie
] Break a leg, darling. But not really.
: I thought if you're going to be spending more time here, I should show you the local shops. Bonnie MacDonald
: Great. Is there a mall? Molly
: Oh, the shop's here. Bonnie MacDonald
: Just the one? Molly
: The garage and the funeral director are down there. Bonnie MacDonald
: That's it? You get everything you need here? Molly
: On, there's a sweet little supermarket an hour's drive that way. Bonnie MacDonald
: Clothes? Make-up? Accessories? Molly
: Harrods, 12 hours that way.
: [Amy has woken up screaming
] Bad dream, dear? Amy McDougal
: It was a week before the college interview and I hadn't done any work and I had to do a still life, a landscape and an abstract and I didn't know where to start. Molly MacDonald
: There, there. It's just a bad dream. Amy McDougal
: No, it /is/ a week before the interview and I haven't done /anything/ and I have to do a still life, and a landscape and an abstract and I didn't know where to start.
: I think you're giving away the bride, but not in that jumper.
: Half a century, Molly, since I swore allegiance to king and country. We went into the army as boys - green, callow; came out men - bold and bloody. And now the regiment reunites just as we vowed, fifty years to the day. The old squad all together again for the first time since the war. Archie
: So how many are coming? Hector
: Six. Archie
: Six! Molly
: What happened to the rest? Hector
: Eight were untraceable; one's living with a costume designer in Perth, calls himself Judith; another's missing in Acton. Stella
: Shouldn't that be "action"? Hector
: No, Acton. suburb of London. Five have moved overseas, two have joined religious orders, six haven't responded, and eleven are no longer with us. Molly
: What about Toad? He hasn't croaked, has he? Hector
: Hope not. Hasn't R.S.V.P.'d. Archie
: Toad? Molly
: Best man at our wedding. You'd like him, Archie.
: [to an exiting Archie
] Who are these people you're meeting? Molly
: They're coming to help Archie market the spring water. Nothing sinister. Hector
: Of course it's sinister; they're from Glasgow. Molly
: Why don't you go and enjoy yourself? Hector
: How, exactly? Molly
: Oh, I don't know. Shoot something; that usually cheers you up.
: You miss having Monty and Rommel to lead you around, don't you? Hector MacDonald
] Yes, they always seemed to know where they were going - happy to get there, even happier to get back... I do miss them, rather, yes. Molly MacDonald
: Perhaps I could stand in for them. Hector MacDonald
: Of course you can, darling!
[tosses the stick he was holding and laughs
] Hector MacDonald
: No news on the wake then? Molly MacDonald
: For the last time Hector, they're not having one. Hector MacDonald
: It's a damn disgrace. Music and dancing, that's what I want when I go, and plenty of it. Molly MacDonald
: Oh believe me, dear, there will be.
: I'm not a chap who finds this sort of thing easy. Oh Molly, I'd like to marry you. Molly MacDonald
: I really don't know what to say. Kilwillie
: Well "yes" would be rather nice.
: Another Glenbogle casualty. People come here and lose the will to leave.
: I am so, so stupid. I nearly lost everything. Hector
: Only the necklace, my darling. You'd still have had me. Not that I'd fetch as much.
: He terrorized the people of these mountains for years. Stealing the cattle. Killing the menfolk, kidnapping children from their beds where they lay. He was a beast, without a scrap of human feeling or decency. So, he had to die. Jessica
: I don't like this. Duncan
: Go on, Golly. Golly
: It was the turn of the year thirteen hundred and four, and he'd been lured here by the promise of MacDonald hospitality. His men were plied with drink which had been drugged, so they just fell down, senseless. And at the stroke of midnight the assembled company turned on the bandit chief and stabbed him, so that no one man would be held responsible. Legend has it that he was cut by fifty swords. Molly
: Uungh. Ewan
: Fantastic! Golly
: And that was the end of Mad Malcolm MacGregor. Jessica
: Thank goodness for that. Golly
: Or was it? With his dying breath he cursed the family MacDonald, and swore to haunt the House by the Water forever. Specially at Hogmanay. Ewan
: Right now, in fact.
: I stopped buying clothes years ago, when the money ran out. I don't even buy knickers any more. Justine
: Really? So... Molly MacDonald
: I just don't bother wearing them. Justine
: Molly! Molly MacDonald
: It's wonderful. I do recommend it. It's rather a splendid thing making sensual discoveries at my time of life.
: It's a buzz of course to have a flutter on the gee gees. Louis Grimshaw
: Only when you win, old girl. I would have wasted less dosh if I'd bought a race horse and shot it.
: [Iona uncovers an old painting
] Who's this? Molly MacDonald
: The 8th Laird of Glenbogle. Tried to form an alliance with the English. Iona MacLean
: What happened to him? Molly MacDonald
: Well first he was hung, drawn and quartered, then they dragged his body around the estate with wild horses, and finally they just fed him to the wolves. Iona MacLean
: Charming. Molly MacDonald
: He wasn't a very nice man.
: Carpe diem, Golly. Carpe diem. Golly Mackenzie
: What's an ornamental fish got to do with anything?
: Now, this ball is going to be the biggest day of the year. Lascelles are bringing some major investors here, to, uh, show them how they've turned the place around. Stella
: How we've turned it around. Duncan, you'll organize the parking. Golly, the Americans love the pipes. Molly, our foreign visitors are expecting something between the Queen and the brunette in Braveheart. Molly
: Leave it to me, dear. Stella
: Archie and I will be front of house, pressing the flesh, of course. Oh, Lexie, you're in the kitchen. Lexie
: Surprise, surprise.
: Now the idea is to boil the vegetables until they acquire the taste of an old dishcloth. Donald MacDonald
: Hello, what's going on? Molly MacDonald
: I've had a call back from the school. They've asked me to go in for a trial tomorrow. Donald MacDonald
: Excellent! Ewan Brodie
: So I'm giving Molly a crash course on school dinners.
: There are days and nights in which one is the fly, and rare, magical moments in which one is at long last the windscreen.
: What I told you last night got me thinking. Blake, Yoko Ono, your pal Hockney, it's the stuff I love. So I've decided I'm going to put on a 60s exhibition. Going to call it Defining the Divine Decade. Molly MacDonald
: And you want me to come along? Martin Carter
: Aye, I thought you might even say a few words since you'd like been there, done that, got the tshirt. Molly MacDonald
: Oh I never wore tshirts, Mr Carter. In fact there were quite a few parties where one wore nothing at all.
: Hector was so last minute we had to race to the registry office on the Vesper. the only white outfit I had was my underwear. Andrew Booth
: You were married in your underwear? Molly MacDonald
: Oh, well in those days skirts were so short they barely covered you. Hardly noticed.
: What a man does or doesn't do in his own house is his own business. I mean, if you want to torture yourself, go ahead. Molly MacDonald
: I have no intention of torturing myself. That's always been your job, and you excel at it.
: Mother, Kilwillie was one of Father's best friends. Molly MacDonald
: No dear, they played golf together. That is quite different.
: Oh yes, I get plenty of visitors. You can see their circles in the long grass up in the high field. Molly MacDonald
: Their... their circles? Edith McDougal
: Where they land their spacecraft. Mind you, they haven't been here for a while. I think they prefer America this time of year.