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Quotes for
Captain Hans Geering (Character)
from "'Allo 'Allo!" (1982)

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"'Allo 'Allo!: The Gateau from the Chateau (#2.7)" (1985)
Capt. Hans Geering: René, that is the jug with the drug.
René: After all that has happened, I could use a little aspirin.

Capt. Hans Geering: Do you not see? That if you kill him with the pill from the till by making with it the drug in the jug, you need not light the candle with the handle on the gâteau from the château.
René: Simple plots are always the best.

[Von Klinkerhoffen has ordered the Colonel to woo Madame Edith]
Col. Von Strom: How can I put this? I don't fancy her.
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Colonel, how can *I* put it? How do you fancy the Russian Front?
Capt. Hans Geering: She's a good cook.
Col. Von Strom: [starting to smile] Oh, yes. I'd forgotten that.

Col. Von Strom: [discussing the General] So far, he has only discovered the tip of the iceberg.
Capt. Hans Geering: You haven't stolen a whole iceberg, have you?

[Colonel von Strohm reveals that he has discovered a plot by the Resistance]
René: Perhaps they were just trying to kill General von Klinkerhoffen
Capt. Hans Geering: We're all trying to kill General von Klinkerhoffen.

Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: ...you will therefore, at once, pay attention to this lady
[Edith Artois]
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: and if possible make her your mistress.
Col. Von Strom: General, how can I put it? I don't fancy her.
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Coronel, how can I put it? How do you fancy the Russian Front?
Capt. Hans Geering: She's a good cook
Col. Von Strom: I'd forgotten that!

Capt. Hans Geering: The chemist gave me a pill containing all his best poisons. You take it with a glass of wine. One drink and, all is quite on the western front.
Col. Von Strom: Are you sure it will work?
Capt. Hans Geering: Yes, I told him it was for you.

Edith: Without your glasses, you're even more attractive
Capt. Hans Geering: So are you.

Col. Von Strom: Play your cards right and you'll be up stairs
[with Edith]
Col. Von Strom: before the bottles finished.
Capt. Hans Geering: [yells across to the bar] Make it a magnum!

Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: [General von Klinkerhoffen lights the candles on the cake with a bomb, Captain Geering stands up] were are you going?
Capt. Hans Geering: To the little boys room, the Coronel also wants to go to the little boys room.
Col. Von Strom: No, I do not.
Capt. Hans Geering: Yes you do.
Col. Von Strom: No, I do not!
Capt. Hans Geering: Coronel.
[whispers to Colonel von Strom]
Col. Von Strom: Yes I do!


"'Allo 'Allo!: The Sausage in the Wardrobe (#3.3)" (1986)
René: Well, He threatened to take away my livelihood by driving a tank through my café.
Capt. Hans Geering: Threatened to drive a tank through you café? The German swine!
[Colonel von Strom slaps him]

René: [telling Colonel von Strom that Maria has been taken by General von Klinkerhoffen with the sausage. containing the painting] She had the sausage strapped across her bosom. Any minute now he may get his hands on it.
Edith: If Maria cracks under the interrogation the General will arrest René, and if he cracks under interrogation he will reveal that you gave him the painting to hide and you will be on the carpet.
Capt. Hans Geering: Dead!
Col. Von Strom: Your right, we will shoot René now and stop the lot.
René: Thank you Edith!
Edith: If you shoot René then also you will have to shoot me!
René: Could you shoot her first...

Col. Von Strom: [Sneaking past General von Klinkerhoffen's quarters & hearing music, Captain Geering peaks through the keyhole] What's going on in there? Captain Hans Geering: "Helga is doing a striptease." Colonel von Strohm: "We haven't got time for that... Helga?"
[shoves Captain Geering aside]
Capt. Hans Geering: Helga is doing a striptease.
Col. Von Strom: We haven't got time for that... Helga?
[shoves Captain Geering aside]


"'Allo 'Allo!: The Great Un-Escape (#3.6)" (1987)
Col. Von Strom: Is he sending the original to Hitler?
Lt. Hubert Gruber: No, he is sending the copy to Hitler.
Capt. Hans Geering: Would you believe it? You would think a General would be above that sort a thing wouldn't you? I know a coronel is not,
[Glares at Colonel von Strom]
Capt. Hans Geering: but you think a General would be.

Capt. Hans Geering: Is there a dead body in here?
Monsieur Alfonse: Hopefully, we put a screwdriver in with them, incase we make a mistake.


"'Allo 'Allo!: Gruber Does Some Mincing (#3.2)" (1986)
Col. Kurt von Strohm: You are combing your hair very nicely, Hans.
Capt. Hans Geering: Thank you, Colonel. I see you have polished your head.

Col. Von Strom: René, these muscles, they're not good. Is your wife using a new spice?
Capt. Hans Geering: such as hair tonic?
René: they come from the usual harbor, dear Coronel. I think perhaps one of your submarines is leaking a little diesel oil, due to the fact that the RAF blew it up.


"'Allo 'Allo!: The Nicked Knockwurst (#3.1)" (1986)
René: He
[Herr Flick]
René: will have me shot.
Col. Von Strom: No he will not, I'm the Commandant here. Herr Flick has no authority to have you shot.
Capt. Hans Geering: He will have to ask the Coronel, and he will have you shot.
René: That makes me feel a lot better.

Col. Von Strom: [Colonel von Strom demands René stop helping the resistance] Promise me, on your honor.
René: Well...
Capt. Hans Geering: On your honor as a Frenchman.
René: Oh Well, that is different. You have my word.


"'Allo 'Allo!: Reds Nick Colonel (#1.6)" (1984)
Col. Von Strom: You must be very careful with the painting of the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies.
Capt. Hans Geering: It is our retirement fund.
Col. Von Strom: OUR retirement fund? I found it!
Capt. Hans Geering: Yes. But I know about it.

René: May I tell you a little legend, Colonel? It is said that these champagne glasses were modeled on the bosom of Marie Antoinette.
Capt. Hans Geering: They should have modeled them on Helga's bosom. We would have got a bigger drink.


"'Allo 'Allo!: Six Big Boobies (#2.1)" (1985)
Col. Von Strom: If you will tell me the names of the Resistance leaders, I will see that you are protected.
René: Protected? Against who?
Col. Von Strom: Me.
René: But, colonel, I do not know their names! They are mostly girls. They wear McIntoshes and little short white socks and berets like any other French girl. And they only reveal themselves at night.
Capt. Hans Geering: Like any other French girl.
Col. Von Strom: I wish I could get my hands on them.
Capt. Hans Geering: We both do.


"'Allo 'Allo!: Flight of Fancy (#3.4)" (1986)
Col. Von Strom: [after crushing Herr Flicks staff car completely flat with a steamroller] That was Herr flick's car Hans, Herr Flick of the Gestapo!
Capt. Hans Geering: Is there a panel beater in the town.
Herr Flick: [Moments later, looking at the crushed car] This is very serious. The Gestapo is only insured 3rd party.


"'Allo 'Allo!: Camp Dance (#4.2)" (1987)
Captain Hans Geering: [Hans was last seen being catapulted over the fence of a German POW camp, disguised as a British airman. Now, the Colonel and the others are picking up a suspicious transmission on the radio in Lieutenant Gruber's tank] Hello? Hello? Hello?
Colonel Kurt von Strohm: This is Colonel Von Strohm. Whose talking?
Captain Hans Geering: Captain Hans Geering!
Colonel Kurt von Strohm: Hans! Thank heavens you're safe! What happened to you?
Captain Hans Geering: Um... The resistance took me away.
Colonel Kurt von Strohm: [to Rene and the others] He's in the hands of the resistance. They'll be wanting a ransom.
[Into the microphone]
Colonel Kurt von Strohm: Hans, can you give us your present position?
Captain Hans Geering: Uh... In the markets, overlooking Picadilly Circus
[several corroborating background noises follow]
Colonel Kurt von Strohm: What happened?
Captain Hans Geering: I'm afraid the war is over for me, Colonel. The resistance mistook me for a British airman and sent me back to England.
Colonel Kurt von Strohm: Then you must escape and get back here, as soon as possible!
Captain Hans Geering: Um... That will not be easy, Colonel. You see, I do not have my spectacles.
Colonel Kurt von Strohm: Hans, what am I going to tell the general?
Captain Hans Geering: Well, um... tell him that the food is very good and the British think they're going to win. Over and out!
Colonel Kurt von Strohm: Hans? Hans?
[Stands fiddling with the radio knobs, but doesn't get a reply]
Colonel Kurt von Strohm: Hans!
[Realizing that his friend is gone for good]
Colonel Kurt von Strohm: Hans...
[credits roll]


"'Allo 'Allo!: Herr Flick's Revenge (#2.6)" (1985)
Col. Von Strom: You are exceeding your authority. The Gestapo has no jurisdiction over senior officers of the German Army.
Capt. Hans Geering: Or junior officers.
René: What about café owners?
Capt. Hans Geering: They can do what they like with them.


"'Allo 'Allo!: Pigeon Post (#1.2)" (1984)
Col. Von Strom: [to René] If you do not get us the uniforms back, you will be shot!
Capt. Hans Geering: Up against the wall, with guns.