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Quotes for
General Erich von Klinkerhoffen (Character)
from "'Allo 'Allo!" (1982)

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"'Allo 'Allo!: The Gateau from the Chateau (#2.7)" (1985)
[Rene has covered the gâteau for the Kaiser's birthday with sand]
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: You fool, what do you think you are doing?
René: I did this in memory of the day that the Kaiser was buried.

[Von Klinkerhoffen has ordered the Colonel to woo Madame Edith]
Col. Von Strom: How can I put this? I don't fancy her.
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Colonel, how can *I* put it? How do you fancy the Russian Front?
Capt. Hans Geering: She's a good cook.
Col. Von Strom: [starting to smile] Oh, yes. I'd forgotten that.

[Herr Flick has received the antidote to the poison from the dart intended to kill General von Klinkerhoffen]
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: [Indicating Herr Flick] What is the matter with that man?
Private Helga Geerhart: [pauses] He had the fish!

Herr Flick: I believe you requested my presence.
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: I did not. I sent for you.

Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: will therefore, at once, pay attention to this lady
[Edith Artois]
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: and if possible make her your mistress.
Col. Von Strom: General, how can I put it? I don't fancy her.
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Coronel, how can I put it? How do you fancy the Russian Front?
Capt. Hans Geering: She's a good cook
Col. Von Strom: I'd forgotten that!

Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: [General von Klinkerhoffen lights the candles on the cake with a bomb, Captain Geering stands up] were are you going?
Capt. Hans Geering: To the little boys room, the Coronel also wants to go to the little boys room.
Col. Von Strom: No, I do not.
Capt. Hans Geering: Yes you do.
Col. Von Strom: No, I do not!
Capt. Hans Geering: Coronel.
[whispers to Colonel von Strom]
Col. Von Strom: Yes I do!

"'Allo 'Allo!: The Flying Nun (#4.4)" (1987)
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Unfortunately the Führer has more confidence in his astrologers than in his generals. He is waiting for an omen to start the invasion.
[Mimi, dressed as a nun and attached to a kite, floats past the car.]
Col. Von Strom: Would he regard a flying nun as a good omen?

Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: In a few months time, there will be 2000 men camping here.
Col. Von Strom: Make a note of that Grubber.
Lt. Hubert Gruber: I already have.

"'Allo 'Allo!: Pretty Maids All in a Row (#3.5)" (1987)
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Can you keep a secret?
Lt. Hubert Gruber: Well, I've done pretty well till now.

Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: [Discussing plans with Herr Flick & Von Smallhausen] What sort of disguise?"
Herr Engelbert von Smallhausen: [Herr Flick & Von Smallhausen open there treanch coats to show maides outfits underneath] Not aprooved. But you can stay and have a drink if you like.

"'Allo 'Allo!: Herr Flick's Revenge (#2.6)" (1985)
Herr Flick: My authority comes from Berlin.
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: My authority comes from this gun, Release them.
Herr Flick: I see. Temporarily you have the upper hand, but I should warn you that my godfather is Heinrich Himmler.
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: My wife's sister is the mistress of Herman Goring.
Herr Flick: Herman Goring has many mistresses
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: My wife's sister is the one who where's the shammy leather underclothes.
Herr Flick: Helga, turn the wheel the other way.

Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: [Stopping the funeral precession with Fanny pretending to be dead] Open zee coffin.
René: [opens coffin to revel Fanny] It is my brothers wife's mother, she died of the plague.
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: What plague is this?
René: The plague that kills brothers wifes mothers.
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Open zee coffin.
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: [looks at Fanny in the coffin] If this spreads across Europe we've all had it. Bury her quickly.

"'Allo 'Allo!: The Sausage in the Wardrobe (#3.3)" (1986)
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: You were found snooping around the grounds of my headquarters, what were you doing there?
Maria Recamier: General, I had a rendezvous with Lieutenant Grubber.
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: A most unlikely story.

Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: You may go Grubber.
Lt. Hubert Gruber: What about the Girl?
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Do you have a use for her?
Lt. Hubert Gruber: Not that I can think of, no.

"'Allo 'Allo!: A Winkle in Time (#9.6)" (1992)
[the British have just invaded occupied France. As General Von Klinkerhoffen is surrendering to the British Commander, he notices Lieutenant Gruber and Colonel Von Strohm trying to escape, dressed as British airmen]
General Erich von Klinkerhoffen: [in German] Impersonating British Airmen! This may well be held against you!
Lieutenant Hubert Gruber: [feigning a British accent] Sorry, old boy, don't speak a word of the lingo!
General Erich von Klinkerhoffen: Nice try.

"'Allo 'Allo!: Good Staff Are Hard to Find (#4.3)" (1987)
Capt. Bertorelli: Generalissimo, I embrace you.
[hugs von Klinkerhoffen to his extreme distaste]
Capt. Bertorelli: Mussolini has given me a present for you: the Italian War Hero Medal.
[produces medal]
Gen. Von Klinkerhoffen: Ah, the Italian war hero medal, I don't think I've seen this before.
Col. Von Strom: I think They're very rare.

"'Allo 'Allo!: The Nouvion Oars (#6.3)" (1989)
[Von Klinkerhoffen accuses Flick and von Smallhausen of withholding information]
General Erich von Klinkerhoffen: Clearly, you are giving us these ludicrous descriptions because you wish the Gestapo to take the credit for the capture of the Resistance people. I'm warning you; you'll be kept under very close observation. You will not be able to go to the bathroom without me knowing about it. Meanwhile, Berlin will be informed of your perverse antics and your recalcitrant demeanour, which has exacerbated the quid pro quo, vis-à-vis inter-departmental relationships.
Herr Otto Flick: Come, von Smallhausen. To our dictionaries!
[Flick and von Smallhausen limp away]