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Quotes for
Captain Keene (Character)
from Carry On... Up the Khyber (1968)

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Carry On... Up the Khyber (1968)
[the British outpost at the Khyber Pass has been attacked]
Lady Joan Ruff-Diamond: Oh! How awful! What can have happened ?
Captain Keene: I don't like making guesses, but I wouldn't be surprised if there hadn't been a spot of foul play here.
Missionary: Foul play? Look at them! Lying around like a lot of unwanted cocktail snacks!
Private Jimmy Widdle: Ginger!
Missionary: Who is?
Private Jimmy Widdle: He is. Ginger, my mate.
Sergeant-Major MacNutt: Private Hale ?
Private Jimmy Widdle: Yes, Ginger Hale. Hello, Ginge. It's me, Jimmy. Your old mate, Jimmy Widdle.
Private Ginger Hale: Jimmy? Is it you? My old mate?
Private Jimmy Widdle: Ginge, mate! How do you feel?
Private Ginger Hale: Oh, not so good. I think I've been wounded.
Private Jimmy Widdle: Only here and there.
Private Ginger Hale: Jimmy, I can trust you. Now, give it to me straight. Am I going to be all right?
Private Jimmy Widdle: Of course not, Ginge mate.
Private Ginger Hale: Eh?
Private Jimmy Widdle: I said, "Of course not, Ginge mate."
Private Ginger Hale: I'm not going to be all right?
Private Jimmy Widdle: Well, how could you be, with half a dozen dirty great holes in you? You've had it.
Private Ginger Hale: You're a bleeding fine mate, I must say.
Private Jimmy Widdle: What do you mean? You asked me to give it to you straight.
Private Ginger Hale: Yeah, but I didn't mean you to. You horrible little runt, you!
Sergeant-Major MacNutt: That's enough! Widdle, you're a great little comfort to a dying man, aren't you? Now listen, Hale, it's Sergeant-Major MacNutt. What happened, lad?
Private Ginger Hale: They attacked about a half-hour ago, Sir. Hundreds of them.
[He belches]
Private Ginger Hale: Burpas! They... they... oooh!
[Hale faints. Sergeant-Major MacNutt shakes his head sadly]
Private Jimmy Widdle: Oh, no! Ginge! Ginge, mate! I'm sorry, I... Poor old mate!
[Widdle gently covers Hale's body with a greatcoat. Hale throws it off]
Private Ginger Hale: That's right! Bleeding well suffocate me!

Captain Keene: Fire at will!
Brother Belcher: Poor old Will, why do they always fire at him?

[Sergeant-Major MacNutt has knocked Captain Keene to the floor with the spear lodged in his back]
Captain Keene: Sergeant-Major, report to the surgeon and get that thing taken out!

Brother Belcher: I've never ridden in a cart pulled by cows before.
Captain Keene: Bullocks, Mr Belcher!
Brother Belcher: No, I haven't, honestly.

Captain Keene: [news of the native revolt arrives] What do you intend to do, sir?
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: Do? Do? We're British. We won't do anything...
Major Shorthouse: ...until it's too late.
Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond: Exactly. That's the first sensible thing you've said all day.

Captain Keene: We need that rope of yours to get over the wall.
The Fakir: I'm sorry, it won't work. Not without the magic words.
Sergeant-Major MacNutt: Come on, you'll be well paid.
The Fakir: Those are the magic words! Help me of this thing!
[Keene and McNutt lift the Fakir of, to reveal empty space]
Sergeant-Major MacNutt: What thing?
The Fakir: Oh look - I've had a touch of the levitations!

Captain Keene: Then I was going to say keep a stiff upper lip.
Missionary: Well I'm not standing around here waiting for mine to stiffen!