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Quotes for
Tommy (Character)
from Porky's (1981)

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Porky's (1981)
[in a high-pitched falsetto voice]
Tommy Turner: Hi I'm Paulie the Penis. And I just love to have fun. Ha Ha Ha.

Tommy Turner: Jesus Christ! It's the mother lode.
Billy: I never seen so much wool. You could knit a sweater.
Tommy Turner: This has gotta be the biggest beaver shoot in the history of Florida.

[introducing Cherry to the boys one by one]
Tommy Turner: And this is the *pride* of Angel Beach. Anthony Tuperello, affectionately known as *Meat*.
Cherry Forever: Oh, my God. The boy's deformed!
[laughter from the guys]

Pee Wee Morris: [to Tommy, about the normal-sized condom he was given] It's too big.
[Everybody else laughs]
Tommy Turner: Peewee, we don't have any training rubbers.
Mickey: He needs the junior size.
Brian Schwartz: [Seriously] Peewee, tie a knot in it.
Meat: [as Peewee is given another condom and he returns to the bus] Hey Peewee, what do you think this is? The return desk at Macys?

Billy: [trying to warn Pee Wee about Cherry Forever] She's married to some big black stud and he's gonna cut your pecker off.
Tommy Turner: Yeah, I hear he's packing tweezers.

Tommy Turner: [to the rest of the guys at Cherry Forever's house] Okay, Cherry's ready. Everyone get their clothes off.
Tim: Wait. What's this bullshit?
Billy: She's got to make sure everybody clean. No VD.
Steve: How's she going to tell that by looking at us?
Tommy Turner: She's done this so many times, she's practically a doctor.
Tim: Yeah, and who's going to inspect her?
[murmurs of agreement from the rest of the guys]
Billy: Look, you guys want to get laid or have a debate?
Pee Wee Morris: Okay, I'm ready!
[they turn to see Pee-Wee wasted no time stripping down, then laughter of all kinds go through the crowd, which Pee-Wee ignores]
Pee Wee Morris: I'm gonna get laid. Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus.

Tommy Turner: Porky is a badass redneck!

[the gang are at the Deadbeats drive-in restaurant getting their food and drinks]
Billy: The worst thing is you guys are out a hundred bucks.
Tommy Turner: This is just the kind of thing you write off.
Pee Wee Morris: [hands Tommy the receipt] Here you go.
Tommy Turner: Again?
Pee Wee Morris: I got it last time.
Tommy Turner: [pays the waitress] Great. Mick, I'm telling ya, they're bad mothers.
Mickey: I'm going back to get that pig.
Meat: Yeah right, Mick.
Mickey: [throws his hamburger in a fit] Yeah, Meat!

Sheriff Wallace: Well, it looks like to me we got five Angel Beach assholes here. Yes, sir. Five walkin' talkin' rectums.
[Sheriff chuckles; to Mickey]
Sheriff Wallace: Where's your car, boy?
Mickey: [points to his Ford pick-up truck] Right there.
Sheriff Wallace: You from Seward County?
Mickey: Yeah.
Sheriff Wallace: Well, I don't know much about the laws in Seward County, but we got laws here about driving with busted headlights.
Mickey: I don't have a busted headlight.
Sheriff Wallace: Don't have a busted headlight?
[the Sheriff smashes the right-side headlight of Mickey's truck; Porky and his goons laughs]
Mickey: [shocked] Shit!
Sheriff Wallace: That's a $35.00 fine. Thirty-five bucks or a night in jail!
Tommy Turner: I've got fifteen bucks.
Pee Wee Morris: I've got-I've got five.
Sheriff Wallace: You got five, you got fifteen, huh?
Meat: I've got twelve.
Tim: I think I got three.
Porky: [to his goons] Watch this.
[the Sheriff then smashes the rear right-side taillight]
Mickey: [grows angry] Goddamn it!
[Porky and his goons laughing]
Sheriff Wallace: You got a busted taillight, too. That's 20 more dollars. Can you cover it?
Mickey: I've got ten.
Sheriff Wallace: Give it to me! Give me all you got.
[the Sheriff starts collecting the boys money, but stops midway]
Sheriff Wallace: Well, I guess I can show a little leniency for first offenders. Whadaya say, Pork? Should I give these nice lads a break?
Porky: Oh, they seem like a nice bunch of clean-cut Angel Beach pussies. A little smelly. Yeah, give 'em a break.
Sheriff Wallace: You heard the man. You get your candy-asses back over to Seward County and you keep 'em there. This here's a "man's" county. Go on, get the fuck out. Go on. Go on!
[the boys pile up in Mickey's truck]
Sheriff Wallace: Go on. Here we go! Here we go! Goin' home now, ain't we?
Porky: [to his goons] I don't think they'll be comin' back. Let's go back inside and get some beer.

Ted Jarvis: [after watching Mickey get taken away in an ambulance] I'll see you guys later.
Tommy Turner: Hey Ted, we're going too.
Ted Jarvis: [Upon hearing this, he slams the door to his car and turns back to Tommy] No you're not! It's bad enough we have to go into their jurisdiction without having to add the charge of contributing to the delinquency of a minor!
Pee Wee Morris: But he...
Ted Jarvis: No "buts", Pee-Wee! I don't wanna see any of you boys get hurt.
Brian Schwartz: [Walks up] Nobody has to get hurt.
Ted Jarvis: What's that, Brian?
Brian Schwartz: Nobody has to get hurt, and your career doesn't have to be in jeopardy.
Ted Jarvis: Well, I'm all for that, Brian. What do you have in mind?
Brian Schwartz: It doesn't have to be tonight, right?
Ted Jarvis: Nope. It doesn't have to be tonight.
Brian Schwartz: Good.

Coach Brakett: [Walks up on the gang while Ted and Brian are away from the gang talking about his plan for revenge against Porky] Count me in.
Tommy Turner: [Sees him] You could get fired, Coach.
Coach Brakett: Are you kidding? I gotta be the worst coach that ever lived.
[They all laugh]
Coach Brakett: I'm long gone after this semester, anyway. And don't call me Coach anymore. Call me Roy. I'm only 23 for Christ sake.
Tommy Turner: You look much older.
Coach Brakett: Why don't you go and sit on a snake, Turner.
[Tommy laughs; Roy shows the kids a scar on his head]
Coach Brakett: You see this? Porky gave me that about 6 years ago. I always wanted a shot at that mutha. I'd feed him his nuts for lunch.

Porky's II: The Next Day (1983)
Billy: What's this?
Tommy: Blueprints.
Billy: I know they're blueprints. What are they of.
Tommy: Take a look.
Billy: Okay, here the school.
[Tommy pulls out a metal container, opens it, and pulls a snake out of it.]
Billy: Okay, so this is the gym.
Tommy: Right.
Billy: So now what?
Tommy: [Puts the snake in his view] So we take this snake...
Billy: [Throws down the blueprints, backs up frantically, screaming] Jesus Christ! What the hell are you doing?! Get that out of my face!
Tommy: You don't like snakes?
Billy: I hate snakes! You know I hate snakes! Jesus!
[Indicating Balbricker]
Billy: What are you going to do, kill her?
Tommy: [Puts the snake back] No, it's just a rat snake. It's not poisonous.
Billy: [Cringing] Yaah!

Tommy: [After opening the correct pipe] Okay Billy, give me the snake.
Billy: Give you the snake? Get your own fuckin' snake, give you the snake!
[Grabs his crotch]
Billy: I got your snake right here.

Mickey: Hey Pee Wee, how's it feel?
Pee Wee: How does what feel?
Mickey: Getting laid.
Pee Wee: Same as it always feels.
Mickey: I don't believe it.
Tommy: Never again.
Pee Wee: What are you guys talking about, I got bodies laid all over South Florida.
Mickey: Morris, the last time you got any action, it was your fist. The old rosy palm.
Pee Wee: You guys are just jealous because I ruined Wendy for everybody else.
Pee Wee: [after the guys laugh] Now that she's had me, what's left?
Mickey: Yeah well, that's not what she told me, Pee Wee.
Pee Wee: Well, what did she tell you?
Tommy: Ask her, Pee Wee, here she comes.
Billy: Yeah, I can hear her panting from here.
Pee Wee: Look man, when they've been had by Pee Wee Morris, they stay had. I mean, they can't keep their hands off me. You guys better watch out because when she sees me you're likely to get caught in the stampede. Watch this.
Wendy: [walks by passively] Hi, boys.
Mickey: [after the guys laugh at Pee Wee] She's in a frenzy, Pee Wee.
Tommy: Yeah, she's rabid.
Pee Wee: She didn't see me. She didn't know I was here.
Tommy: That's what she said about you on the bus.
Pee Wee: Oh man, the girl's my slave.

Porky's Revenge (1985)
Tommy Turner: What the hell. I've always wanted to be a star.