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Quotes for
Phil (Character)
from "The Larry Sanders Show" (1992)

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"The Larry Sanders Show: Headwriter (#3.9)" (1994)
Phil: Anything else I need to know?
Arthur: Network meeting tomorrow at 3. You might wanna bring your razor out of hiding, shave, bathe, shampoo, clean shirt and see if you can wear something that touch more conservative.
Phil: Any suggestions?
Arthur: Just stay away from usual attire, that's all. Hell, you look like you're a member of Peanuts gang, Linus with goatee.

Phil: Fuck it. I'm gonna do the jokes and you two can go sit in a corner and jerk off.

Arthur: You want Paula fired?
Phil: Yes and I wanna watch while you do it.

Arthur: A little late with Larry's melon, Beverly?
Beverly Barnes: Oh I had to go and get a new one first, Arthur. I mean, I had it all cut up in little chunks the way he likes it then he came in today and said he wanted bald.
Phil: I'd do it except I'm already dating someone. Sorry.
Beverly Barnes: Thank you Phil.

Phil: I want the job Arthur.
Arthur: If you're talking about balling Larry's melon, forget it Phil. I didn't laugh the first time.
Phil: I want to be a headwriter.
Arthur: You're working on a gag here, right?
Phil: No, I want the job and I think I deserve it.
Arthur: You're serious?
Phil: Yes.
Arthur: Haha.
Phil: C'mon Arthur. I know the show, I know what Larry likes, I know his rhythms.
Arthur: I don't think it would work out, Phil.
Phil: Why not?
Paula: [suddenly appears] I got him! I got Steve Martin for thursday finally.
Arthur: Hey sweetie! Another knock show on your bucking belt. How did you manage that?
Paula: Well, I charmed his ass and told him "Roxanne" was my favorite movie, inquired about his play...
Phil: And you promised to blow him.
Paula: Oh Phil, you know all my little tricks don't you?
Arthur: Thanks, Paula. Thanks, Phil.
Phil: Why wouldn't work?
Arthur: Well, let's just say that I don't think you have the temperament for it.
Phil: Now what does that mean?
Arthur: Well it means, Phil, that you're a snide little prick. Not that we don't love that about you but what we're looking for in a headwriter is more experience, someone's more of a people person.
Phil: I'm a people person!
Arthur: That's true, in the last two minutes alone you offered to fuck Larry's melon and you accused Paula of promising to orally service a distinguished guest. Let's face it son, you're a born diplomat.

Phil: Any word from Steve?
Paula: Yeah, he got the fax but he's got some problems. He thinks you're making fun of mute people.
Phil: It is a take off on "The Piano", it does not work without a mute.
Paula: No duh... He also doesn't want to wear long cloth on camera.
Phil: Gimme a break. This guy makes a career putting an arrow through his head and he won't wear a long cloth?
Paula: Ooh, that's the breaks, junior.
Phil: Thanks for your help, bitch.
Paula: Ooh, that'd be so much hotter if you were wearing your tie.

Paula: Has Larry even aproved this? He hates doing sketches.
Phil: Yes Paula, it's been aproved.
Paula: By whom?
Phil: By me. The headwriter.
Paula: Is that truth?
Phil: Yes.
Paula: [happily] Oh goodie! That means you'll be gone in a month.

Paula: As I predicted Phil, he was not gonna like it and instead of saying it, he backed out of the show entirely. So guess what, we don't have Steve Martin. Thanks a lot, guy in the charge.
Phil: Hey listen, I wrote a great fucking sketch because you told me we had a piece of talent booked on the show. Now I come to find out that you don't know what you're talking about... do your job Paula!
Paula: Do my job? You do it, asswipe. You get on the phone and find a last minute replacement for Steve Martin, someone willing to do a half sketch about "The Piano", which by the way is six months too late. Nice topical meter, deepshit.
Phil: Go fuck yourself!
[Paula throws her coffee on him]


"The Larry Sanders Show: End of the Season (#3.17)" (1994)
Phil: Where's Larry's fireman hat?
Larry Sanders: I don't need the fucking hat!

Phil: [discussing what Larry said to Hank] What's the kiddin', talentless fat fuck, right?
Hank Kingsley: Yes, very hurtful. Not entirely accurate. I've lost up to 14 pounds.
Phil: Oh oh so so, talentless fuck would have been more appropriate?
Hank Kingsley: You skinny little shit!

Phil: You know, uh it hurt me when you rejected my Gay of Angeles joke.
Larry Sanders: Oh come on. That skecth was over-the-top, there was a character named Jerry Fagwell in it...
Roseanne: Larry, this is not the time to be judgemental.
Larry Sanders: You didn't... you didn't see it, there was a piece of garbage that sketch. You'd probably like it. As I recall, it was just...
Roseanne: This is not about *me*! Okay? I'm here to help *you*! I'm not the one with the pill problem. You self-destructive asshole.

[first lines]
Phil: Hey, Arthur?
Arthur: Yeah?
Phil: Listen, I don't mean to push but we've got an hour and half before showtime and I need Larry to go over the monologue.
Arthur: Thank you, Philip, we've got an hour and 43 minutes before the showtime which explains the bad timing of your jokes.
Phil: My timing is fine.

Larry Sanders: I can't stand up the whole show show, can I? Then I'd be uh...
Phil: Alex Trebek.
Larry Sanders: Alex Trebek.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Putting the 'Gay' Back in Litigation (#6.10)" (1998)
Phil: You're ridiculous, I'm hilarious.

Phil: [reading Brian's lawsuit on him] Holy shit, this is crazy!
Arthur: Goddamn you, didn't I tell you to shut the fuck up, didn't I?
Phil: Did you see what he was wearing? This is entrapment.
Arthur: If this gets out, all anyone will remember about the show is this lawsuit bullshit.
[Larry looks disappointed]
Arthur: [gladly] Oh and 10 years of laughter!

Arthur: When this show ends, you wanna work again, don't you? Somewhere...
Phil: Yeah.
Arthur: You know who runs this town?
Phil: The jews.
Arthur: No, the gay jews.

[first lines]
Phil: Morning, Marylou.
Marylou Collins: Hello, Phil.
Phil: Morning, Beverly.
Beverly Barnes: Are we happy.
Phil: I was up til 4 in the morning... fucking my brains out.
Marylou Collins: Weeew.
Beverly Barnes: No one wants to hear that, Phil.
Phil: I do. And where's Brian? Is it another gay holiday, another gay groundhog day?
Brian: I'm right here!


"The Larry Sanders Show: The Roast (#5.12)" (1997)
Hank Kingsley: You can blow me like everyone else on table... at your table.
Phil: Are you on something?
Hank Kingsley: A little bit.

Hank Kingsley: Shut up and leave me alone, Phil. I'll come when I'm goddamn ready!
Phil: Larry is waiting.

Phil: I thought Carl Reiner was hosting Larry's roast.
Hank Kingsley: No, that's not confirmed. But if I can prove to Artie that I can handle hecklers, he'll let me be the roast master.
Phil: Here's the deal: someone says something to you, all you gotta do is to come back with a dick-related insult, that's it.
Hank Kingsley: Give me an example.
Phil: Guy says something and you say: "Oh, looks like so-and-so got his dick out of his mouth loud enough to speak up".
Hank Kingsley: [laughs] By so-and-so you mean the person heckling?
Phil: Yes.
Hank Kingsley: I better write this down. Oh what if the uh the heckler is a woman?
Phil: Same thing, you talk about her dick. Makes them crazy.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Larry's on Vacation (#4.17)" (1995)
Phil: All the theaters in Hollywood wanna do comedies and this is a serious piece.
Brian: What's this serious piece is about, Phil?
Phil: Well, it's about a writer who writes for a late night television.
Paula: Ooh it's about you!
Phil: No, no. I knew you would say that but it's loosely based on me. But it's very dark. This guy's addicted to crack and I have a scene where he can't decide to kill himself or, or to masturbate.
Paula: How could you deny that's about you?
Phil: Please come because if you don't come I might start doing crack again.

Arthur: Now, one of tonight's guest will be Gloria Steinem. So, if Mrs. Steinem talks to one of you be helpful, be cooperative but above all say nothing. She's still a journalist.
Hank Kingsley: She was a feminist.
Paula: What if she asks us questions?
Arthur: There are your answers: You love your job, you love the guests but most of all you love Larry. Let's hear it.
Brian: We love our job.
Paula: We love the guests.
Hank Kingsley: I swear to God I forgot what the last thing was.
Arthur: Just stay away from her, Hank.
Hank Kingsley: Why? I am a big supporter of women's rights.
Paula: [Phil spits his drink] Oh give me a break!
Phil: Yeah Hank, maybe you could show your video when you're supporting one woman's rights while the other woman is blowing you.
Arthur: Let's go work!
[leaves the room]
Brian: [to Phil] You are such an asshole.

Phil: Hey Brian!
Brian: Hey Phil.
Phil: Listen, I've got you and your friends to come to my play...
Brian: Oh yeah?
Phil: So you all got to do is pick up at the box office and please come because I have a review from the LA Weekly coming.
Brian: Oh, you mean Fred Schenkel, I know that guy.
Phil: You know him?
Brian: Yeah.
Phil: Oh if that guy gives me a good review I'll pay him a thousand bucks. Do you know if he's gay? Because I'd blow him.
Brian: Phil, that's not funny.
Phil: I'm not being funny. I mean, if he gives me a good review I will blow him.
Brian: Oh you will? You will... get down on your knees and put his penis in your mouth?
Phil: Well, since you put it that way it's not so appealing.
Brian: Yeah. Exactly. Huh? Huh?


"The Larry Sanders Show: Conflict of Interest (#4.10)" (1995)
Phil: What is it, he's only taking 10% of your love?
Paula: I don't wanna discuss this with you.
Phil: Oh oh. There's trouble in paradise. So, he's running from commitment?
Paula: You're making fun of me?
Phil: No, I'm not. Are you running from commitment?
Paula: You're making fun of me!
Phil: No, I just wanna make sure that he's meeting your needs.

Phil: Hey Hank, listen, I can't find Brian.
Hank Kingsley: Well, join the club.
Phil: Do you have the money you owe me?
Hank Kingsley: What money?
Phil: The 20 dollars that I loaned you this morning.
Hank Kingsley: Oh right! See Brian about that.
Phil: Hank, I can't find Brian, okay. And that was my last 20 dollars and I can't go to the cash machine after dark because I'd get mugged.
Hank Kingsley: My advice: pepper spray and don't be afraid to use it.

Arthur: Ok, Hank, give him the money.
Hank Kingsley: What money?
Arthur: Hey...
[starts searching for Hank's wallet]
Hank Kingsley: What you...
[Arthur gives the money to Phil and leaves]
Hank Kingsley: All you had to do was ask.
Phil: Prick.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Larry's Big Idea (#4.13)" (1995)
Phil: This could be a whole new thing for me, I could be next Chris Elliott.
Paula: I think the world is content with the current Chris Elliott.

Phil: Good morning, ladies!
Paula: Why are you so chipper today?
Phil: Well, last night at the King's Row I met this unbelievably cute waitress. She saw me on the show, took me home and we rode the pony all night long.
Paula: Yuck.
Beverly Barnes: That is disgusting.
Phil: No, no. It was beautiful. And her kid only woke up once.


"The Larry Sanders Show: I Was a Teenage Lesbian (#4.11)" (1995)
Phil: Morning, sunshine. Do you know if we have Jimmy Smits yet?
Paula: Phil, I just walked in the door two seconds ago. Would you get off of my ass?
Phil: Look, I had to write an NYPD Blue sketch which was painful enough. I'd like to at least know if Jimmy Smits is gonna be in the thing.
Paula: Is your grandmother alive?
Phil: What?
Paula: Is she alive?
Phil: Yes.
Paula: Well, fuck her. I'll get to Jimmy Smits when I get to it.

Phil: Hello... it's like no smoking in the office, deepshit.
Paula: Fuck you, I'm like alive, deepshit.
Phil: Fine.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Larry's Birthday (#2.12)" (1993)
Jerry Capen: What's the deal with Mike Patterson?
Arthur: Mike Patterson? He's a very funny guy. Lot of great ideas. Larry and I think he'll make a delightful addition to our staff.
Jerry Capen: I didn't know we're in the market for delightful addition to our staff.
Arthur: Well, the fact is Larry has wanted Mike for ages and he didn't want to move to L.A.
Phil: What finally convinced him, the quality of our riots?
Arthur: HA! As usual, I'd like to see more of that humor on the page.

Phil: Did you see that? Larry could hardly look at me!


"The Larry Sanders Show: Hank's Night in the Sun (#3.6)" (1994)
Phil: Hi, I'm Phil, the best writer. Thanks for coming to the show.

Phil: [explaining his joke] ... and socks have something to do with that decision.
Hank Kingsley: It's not funny.
Phil: I beg your pardon?
Hank Kingsley: What word you have trouble with? Do you understand "not"? That's confortable for you?
Phil: Yeah.
Hank Kingsley: And "funny", you heard of that?
Phil: Hmm hmm.
Hank Kingsley: This doesn't work. You see, socks have something to do with *that* decision, see now I'm laughing.
Phil: Well, laugh louds seem to cover for the rest of us.
Hank Kingsley: Hey, hey, do you like your job?
Phil: No.
Hank Kingsley: [astonished] Well, watch it! You may go.
Phil: [sarcastic] Oh may I? Thank you! C'mon Sid.
Hank Kingsley: Watch it, asshole.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Roseanne's Return (#4.1)" (1995)
Hank Kingsley: Phil, could you... could you do me a favor? You know that joke I've been doing in the uh... in the warmup?
Phil: The one about Clinton inhaling?
Hank Kingsley: For some reason and maybe it's me but it's just not getting that waaah laugh it used to. Can you toss me a new line?
Phil: Ok. You could say that you live on Rockingham, just a knife's throw from O.J.'s house.
Hank Kingsley: Uh... no, I don't think I could do that one. That, that implies O.J. is guilty.
Phil: Huh huh.
Hank Kingsley: I don't think he is.
Phil: Please Hank, don't tell me you're one of those.
Hank Kingsley: Hey, I have met this man, he's always been nice to me. He is a... he's a great guest, he's a good neighbor, always kept his lone up.
Phil: That's nice but what about all the evidence? What about the blood?
Hank Kingsley: Oh hey I'm sure if you look at all my underwear you'd find some blood there too.
Phil: They found blood on his socks!
Hank Kingsley: Yeah, well... I'm gonna go out and murder someone without my shoes on.
Phil: C'mon, c'mon. They found blood on his Bronco, they found blood in his house, they found a bloody glove on his property, how do you explain all of that?
Hank Kingsley: He's always been nice to me.
Phil: I can't believe I'm having this conversation with you.
Hank Kingsley: What?
Phil: I am freaking out.

Hank Kingsley: You little prick! You little... prick! You did it! You egged my car!
Phil: What are you talking about?
Hank Kingsley: What I am talking... my Bentley is covered with eggs!
Phil: Why would you think I did that?
Hank Kingsley: Wh...
[pointing to Phil's table]
Hank Kingsley: Look at this.
Phil: Those things in the egg carton, those are eggs.
Hank Kingsley: Yes, those are eggs, Phil.
Phil: I need protein, I like eggs, what's weird about that?
Hank Kingsley: You have dried egg on your shoe. Where were you this morning?
Phil: McDonalds with a friend. Hey listen, Hank, if I egged your car would I be dumb enough to have dried egg on my shoe?
Hank Kingsley: There's egg shells on the table, there's egg shells on the floor... you have uh...
Phil: Yolk.
Hank Kingsley: YOLK... on your fingers!
Phil: Ok, calm down. Listen, you're honestly very upset, okay? I don't know, maybe it was a drug deal gone bad that led to this horrible egging. But I have to assure you Hank, that I'm 100% not guilty.
Hank Kingsley: Oh... I get it. I get it. Okay, that's clever, it's very good. O.J., right? Ok, you say you didn't do it?
Hank Kingsley: I didn't do it.
Phil: Fine. And I believe you didn't do it. Until you're proven guilty in a court of law.
Hank Kingsley: Fuck you, Hank, of course I did it.
Phil: [kicking the door] Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you! You clean it up or I'm gonna tell Artie.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Out of the Loop (#1.8)" (1992)
Phil: You know I'm talking about Jerry, right? He's fucking it up!

Jerry Capen: You son-of-a...
Phil: What, what... son-of-a what?
Jerry Capen: Son of a bitch!
Phil: Yeah? What are you doing here, taking a little nookie break?


"The Larry Sanders Show: Pain Equals Funny (#5.11)" (1997)
Larry Sanders: Hey, Phil. Good job on the monologue last night. Excellent. Thank you.
[notices Phil staring at him]
Larry Sanders: What's wrong?
Phil: You never thanked me before.
Larry Sanders: Well, the jokes were never that good before.
Phil: Well, thanks.
Larry Sanders: Whatever you're doing, keep doing it.

Larry Sanders: The monologue was weak, Phil.
Phil: It was a shit crowd.
Arthur: A shit crowd for a week and a half.
Larry Sanders: How long you're seeing that young lady?
Phil: [embarassed] A week and a half.
Larry Sanders: Well, the monologue was weak.
Phil: It's a shit crowd!
Larry Sanders: You've been hypnotized recently?
Phil: [laughs] Why?
Larry Sanders: Because I don't think this is getting through you. How many ways can I put it? The monologue was weak, shit, it was not funny. It was early Conan.
Arthur: I want you to start working on tomorrow night's monologue right now.
Phil: Okay but if I start now it's gonna be stale by tomorrow afternoon.
Larry Sanders: Have you joined a cult?
Phil: [laughs] What?
Arthur: The pussy cult. Whenever I'm getting pussy, I'm not funny.
Larry Sanders: Well, you're never funny.
[Artie smiles]
Phil: Okay, I will start writing the monologue just as soon as I see Jessica's band playing in Viper Room.
Larry Sanders: Oh the Viper Room. That will put you in the mood to write comedy.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Hank's Sex Tape (#4.7)" (1995)
Hank Kingsley: Where'd you take this?
Phil: From your office.
Hank Kingsley: You stole this from my office?
Phil: No, not exactly...
Hank Kingsley: You stole this from my office?
Phil: Not exactly. We, we were walking by and it said 'Hank's birthday' so we thought we missed your party or something.
Hank Kingsley: Shame on you!
[to Beverly, trying to leave]
Hank Kingsley: Sit down.
[back to Phil]
Hank Kingsley: Shame on you! Shame on you! Exactly what point did you realize this wasn't Hank's birthday? This isn't my tape. What did you do?
[cuts to him talking to his agent]
Hank Kingsley: Copies! Not a copy. Copies as in more than one!

Phil: Artie, I really am sorry.
Arthur: No problem, buddy. You make me laugh. I hope to hell we don't have to fire your ass.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Another List (#6.1)" (1998)
Hank Kingsley: I lost my sheep in a poker game...
Phil: Yeah.
Hank Kingsley: What's funny about that?
Phil: You in a dress.
Hank Kingsley: Oh... oh, right right. I get it. I was paying too much attention to the words.

Hank Kingsley: Is he retarded?
Brian: No, he works in a shoe store.
Phil: He looks just like you, you sure he's not retarded?
Hank Kingsley: Ah could you crawl under here and blow me?
Phil: Haha, I don't do fat chicks.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Party (#1.10)" (1992)
Jerry Capen: [on Larry hosting the show with his jokes] He fucked it up! The joke doesn't work unless he ends with the words 'adjustable beds'.
Phil: His timing really sucks tonight.
Jerry Capen: He's off.
[Jeannie and Arthur enter the room]
Jerry Capen: And running in what looks like a wonderful show.
Phil: Hi, Mrs. Sanders.
Jeannie Sanders: Hi.
Phil: Hi, very funny monologue tonight.
Jerry Capen: He's on. This is his on I've seen him in a long time.
[muttering]
Jerry Capen: Very strong stuff.

Hank Kingsley: [Hank tells about the origins of his catchphrase] No, no, you see when I was a kid, I used to say "Hey". And then later, I said "Now". But I never put it together until much later...
Jeannie Sanders: Are you taking about Hey now"?
Hank Kingsley: Yes.
Jeannie Sanders: Because I have always wondered about that. Which writer came up with "Hey now"?
Phil, Jerry Capen: Hank did.
Jeannie Sanders: It's brilliant. Really. Have you ever thought about changing it?
Hank Kingsley: No.
Jeannie Sanders: Just listen to this. Okay? Instead of saying "Hey now!", you would say "Come here!"
[awkward silence from the group]
Jeannie Sanders: Try, just give it a try.
Hank Kingsley: "Come here!"
Jeannie Sanders: It's wonderful, it's wonderful!
Jerry Capen: It's good, I like it.
Jeannie Sanders: That's what you can use when the show goes off the air.
Jerry Capen: What do you... what show... what show goes off the air?
Jeannie Sanders: Larry is always talking about moving to Montana, leaving the business...
Jerry Capen: [to Larry who just stopped by] The show's going off the air?
Jeannie Sanders: ...building or something up there.
Larry Sanders: She's kiddin'. She's kiddin'.
Jeannie Sanders: No.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Ellen, or Isn't She? (#5.4)" (1996)
Phil: Fuck this, I need to make more money!

Phil: Haven't I told you that you never write Hank's character name on the card, you have to write "Hank" or he won't read it. Goddamnit, how many times I'm gonna go over this with you?
Sid: Up yours, you snotty-nosed kid.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Jeannie's Visit (#4.5)" (1995)
Larry Sanders: He fucked her.
Arthur: Oh God! Rehearsal is over! Phil, get out of here. You didn't see anything, you didn't hear nothing, scram.
Phil: I can't believe that Hank drilled Jeannie.
Arthur: Get outta here! No, this way!

Phil: [Hank ruined Phil's sketch] No, no, NO!
Arthur: Take it easy.


"The Larry Sanders Show: The P.A. (#4.6)" (1995)
Cully: Hey, slim pants. Yogurt?
Phil: No thanks, fat pants. But you can get me a Time, Newsweek and USA Today. And yeah, I'll have some blueberry yogurt.

Phil: Sorry to interrupt. Hey Colin, did you get my magazines?
Cully: The LA Times is on your table.
Phil: The LA Times is not a magazine. Spin, People, Entertainment Weekly... those are magazines.
Cully: Really? Thanks for telling me because I wouldn't know what a magazine is. I'm a moron.
Phil: Well, when you say The LA Times is a magazine you sound like a moron.
Cully: Get your own maganizes. I'm not your errand boy.
Phil: Look, I'm sorry that you're a 50 year-old P.A. but that's not really my fault.
[Cully punches him in the face]
Phil: Ooh... Oh shit. Ooh. What the hell was that? Jesus!


"The Larry Sanders Show: Make a Wish (#5.7)" (1997)
Beverly Barnes: First, let's say hello to Phil.
Charlie: What's he do?
Beverly Barnes: He writes Larry's jokes.
Charlie: Ooh...
Beverly Barnes: Phil, this is Charlie.
Charlie: Hi.
Phil: Really? Didn't know you had a kid.
Beverly Barnes: Charlie is our friend from the One Wish Foundation.
Phil: Oh yeah yeah... how is it going there?
Charlie: Good.
Beverly Barnes: Ah Phil, maybe you could show Charlie how you put the monologues in the cue-cards.
Phil: Oh wow... you know, I wish I knew how to do that myself. Nice to meet you, Charlie.

Phil: The kid creeps me out.
Brian: Yeah I know. It's really hard to be around someone who's ill.
Phil: Nah, I don't give a shit about that. I just think it's weird that someone's last wishes is to meet Larry.


"The Larry Sanders Show: The Breakdown: Part 2 (#2.2)" (1993)
Phil: We have monologue jokes about your heart-attack.
Larry Sanders: Okay. It was not a heart-attack, it was a mild heart episode.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Nothing Personal (#4.8)" (1995)
Phil: Pussy alert is just not much fun as it used to be.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Beverly and the Prop Job (#4.14)" (1995)
Beverly Barnes: Do you know any black writers, Phil?
Phil: Yes, of course, I count many black writers among my closest friends.
Beverly Barnes: But why don't we have black writers here working on the show?
Phil: You don't know?
Beverly Barnes: No, tell me.
Phil: Oh Larry won't hire them. Firstly, I think it's terrible. I think it's unfortunate and embarassing for all of us. But as Larry said in the super secret memo: "If it ain't white, it ain't right".
Beverly Barnes: You are such an asshole, Phil. You know that?
Phil: Hmm hmm. If you're writing an article don't use my name.


"The Larry Sanders Show: The Gift Episode (#3.4)" (1994)
Phil: Uh Larry, excuse me... Just so I'm clear about all of this, this is a booking problem, right, this isn't a writing problem...
Arthur: Phil, shut the fuck up.
Larry Sanders: Please, Artie, I handle it. Phil, shut the fuck up.


"The Larry Sanders Show: The New Producer (#1.5)" (1992)
Phil: [reading the new producer's memo] "Unfortunately, Phil's social maladjustment runs so deep that he is unpredictable and volatile. My guess is that he talks badly about Larry behind his back." Oh, right. You know Larry is just the kind of asshole to read that and believe it.
Jerry Capen: [smirking, without Phil noticing] Yeah, the memo is way off.
Phil: Social maladjustment... what the hell does that mean? You know, now I'm sorry for making copies of this for everybody.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Artie and Angie and Hank and Hercules (#5.8)" (1997)
Hank Kingsley: Do I look any different?
Brian: No.
Hank Kingsley: I should because I'm playing Hercules.
Brian: Hey!
Hank Kingsley: They want me, they want me.
Brian: Congrats.
Phil: Hey, what's going on?
Hank Kingsley: Disney wants me!
Brian: What are they doing, a live-action version of "Dumbo"? Cause you just throw 40 pounds, and a little grey makeup and you'll be great.
[Hank grabs him]
Brian: Hey! What are you doing, asshole?
Hank Kingsley: This is a warning, my friend. You do not mess with Hercules. I killed my wife, I killed my children and I shall kill you if you do not temper thy tongue.
Phil: Are you fucking insane, Hank?
Hank Kingsley: I know nothing of this Hank you speak of. As of this day, when you cast your eye upon me you shall see only one man and that man is... Hercules! Hahahaha!
[pause]
Hank Kingsley: Hahahaha!


"The Larry Sanders Show: You're Having My Baby (#3.2)" (1994)
Phil: You know I'm prepared to publicly alleged that Larry fondles my buttocks whenever I go into pitch jokes. How much you think I can get from that?
Paula: A million. Million and five. Depending if you can prove your buttocks is a source of income.
Phil: Not since college.


"The Larry Sanders Show: The Book (#5.10)" (1997)
Phil: [Phil notices a flower bouquet on Beverly's desk] Hey, who did you fuck to get those?
Brian: She has a secret admirer, Phil!
Phil: Oooh... who?
Beverly Barnes: It's James.
Phil: The network guy?
Beverly Barnes: Yeah.
Phil: There's no way he sent you anything in secret. He's the kind of guy who finds a way to stamp his name on all the petals.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Arthur After Hours (#4.3)" (1995)
Phil: Arthur?
Arthur: Phil.
Phil: You've got to talk to Larry. He won't wear the hat for the sketch.
Arthur: Do you like history, Phil?
Phil: What does that mean?
Arthur: Because if Larry doesn't want to wear the hat that's what it becomes, dig?
Phil: Listen, if he doesn't wear the hat then the sketch is going to die. He's supposed to be Gorton's Fisherman, without the hat he's just a guy with yellow slicker.
Arthur: Haha!
Phil: What?
Arthur: Makes me laugh.
Phil: What makes you laugh, the sketch?
Arthur: The word 'slicker'. Makes me chuckle. Say again.
Phil: Slicker.
Arthur: Use it in a sentence.
Phil: I like my slicker.
Arthur: Haha.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Off Camera (#2.16)" (1993)
Phil: [screaming, off-screen, while Larry is interviewing Gene Siskel] AAAH! God, you son-of-a... ugh.
[on screen]
Phil: You little son-of-a-bitch! Artie, this godamn dog bit me. Darlene!
Arthur: [Darlene runs] Come back here.
Phil: Jesus...
Arthur: I'm running a fucking pre-school.
Phil: It's bleeding, I think I'm gonna puke.
Arthur: Oh bullshit. Well, just some punctuals, no stitches necessary. We'll get a tectanus shot after the show. Now I want you to go to my office, top left drawer, bottle of brandy, big belt, pour on that hand and you'll be fine.
Phil: But it really hurts.
Arthur: Oh stop being such a fucking baby, goddamnit, Phil. So you jerk off with the other hand for a few weeks.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Larry Loses Interest (#2.9)" (1993)
Phil: I told you not to do that Michael Jackson joke.
Jerry Capen: Fucking king of pop!
Phil: We're wasting our creative lives.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Larry's Sitcom (#4.12)" (1995)
Phil: Larry, can we please rehearse the sketch?
Larry Sanders: I'm here, Phil. I'm ready when you are.
Phil: I'm ready.
Larry Sanders: I am ready also.
Phil: Great! Then I'll turn the hat and we'll go.


"The Larry Sanders Show: The Spider Episode (#1.3)" (1992)
Phil: [through the glass, he signs the clock to a female colleague as if she was late for something] Can you take your top off?
[she smiles and replies with a 2 sign]
Jerry Capen: I think she wants both of us.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Hank's New Assistant (#4.2)" (1995)
Hank Kingsley: Look what I have got!
Phil: Hey everybody, Hank got mail.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Being There (#2.13)" (1993)
[last lines]
Larry Sanders: Honey, I'm really sor...
Phil: You know, this is really good cheese.
Larry Sanders: Where is she?
Phil: She left 20 minutes ago.
Larry Sanders: She did? Are you kiddin'?
Phil: No, do you want some wine?
Larry Sanders: No, I gotta go home.
Larry Sanders: Was she upset?
Phil: What do you think?
Larry Sanders: Maybe I'll have a glass of wine.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Larry Loses a Friend (#3.11)" (1994)
Darlene Chapinni: Hi.
Phil: Hey. So uh... you're a lesbian.
Darlene Chapinni: Excuse me?
Phil: Kind of makes sense, you know. Lots of stuff we went through... makes sense now. I only wish you could told me yourself instead of hearing from Paula.
Darlene Chapinni: Paula told you I was a lesbian?
Phil: Oh and by the way, I think Larry's gonna be really pissed if he finds out you're seeing Beverly.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Life Behind Larry (#2.7)" (1993)
Phil: [reading Hank's newsletter which was sabotaged with a penis vagina joke in between] Hahaha oh God.
Hank Kingsley: Enjoying your handy work?
Phil: That's kind of a crude way to expand your readership, isn't it, Hank?
Hank Kingsley: Shut your mouth, you little shit!
Arthur: He-hey!
Phil: Well, I guess we know what side of the family you got that mouth from.
Hank Kingsley: Listen to me...
Arthur: You compose yourself, Hank. Ok, Phil... I appreciate good penis vagina joke as much as the next man but uh...
Phil: You think I did this?
Hank Kingsley: It screams you!
Phil: It screams penis vagina more than anything.
Arthur: C'mon Phil.
Phil: I didn't do this! I swear to you Hank. I admire the idea but the execution is sophomoric. If I'd something like that I would say like "you come home from a hard day at the paper round and you're mom standing there and she has a very thin dressing gown and it slids open...
[Hank tries to attack Phil]
Arthur: Easy! He didn't do it! Let it go.


"The Larry Sanders Show: The Fourteenth Floor (#3.14)" (1994)
Larry Sanders: What did the guy said?
Arthur: C'mon, he gave the speech "we're all family", the usual shit.
Phil: Such idiots. "We're a family!". Maybe we should make a joke about that tonight.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Brother, Can You Spare 1.2 Million? (#4.9)" (1995)
Phil: God, I suck at chearing people up.


"The Larry Sanders Show: The Prank (#5.9)" (1997)
Phil: Beverly, kiss my ass.
Beverly Barnes: You show it bare!


"The Larry Sanders Show: Montana (#3.1)" (1994)
Larry Sanders: So, what you've been up to in the last three months, Phil?
Phil: Uh, jerking off. See you monday.


"The Larry Sanders Show: Next Stop Bottom (#3.15)" (1994)
Darlene Chapinni: You're kidding. Hank has never missed a show. Never.
Phil: [jumping up and down, sarcastic] Hank's not doing the show? How we'll survive? Will there be a tomorrow? God in heaven save us!


"The Larry Sanders Show: People's Choice (#3.5)" (1994)
Hank Kingsley: Did you or did you not have anything to do with that hatchet job on that commercial parody? I want... c'mon, the truth Phil.
Phil: I did not initiate the change but I was implicated in the course of events that led to the altering...
Hank Kingsley: Please, please... save your Ivy League double-talk for your chums down at the parlamentary debating society.
Phil: Larry told me to do it.
Hank Kingsley: And you just automatically do whatever the hell Larry tells you to do?
Phil: Yes, don't you?
Hank Kingsley: Yes! Now get the hell out of my office!