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: What's your favorite beer? Bubba J.
: An open one. Jeff Dunham
: How do you know when you drink too much? Bubba J.
: I run out.
: Do you have a drinking problem? Bubba J.
: Nah, I have it pretty much figured out.
: AA is for quitters.
: Are you married? Bubba J.
: Yep. Jeff Dunham
: Your wife pretty? Bubba J.
: Ye... no! Jeff Dunham
: What's the difference? Bubba J.
: The light.
: So did you date for a while? Bubba J.
: Yup. Jeff Dunham
: You propose? Bubba J.
: No, her daddy did that. Jeff Dunham
: How did that happen? Bubba J.
: I went over to her house one night, was supposed to pick her up at seven, showed up at seven thirty. Her daddy was out on the porch with his shotgun, he said, "Hey, Bubba J! Guess who else is late?"
: So, uh, Bubba J., what does the J stand for? Bubba J.
: Uh, my last name is Junior. Jeff Dunham
: Oh. Well, it's a good thing they didn't name you "Junior". Bubba J.
: Yeah, that'd be dumb. Junior Junior.
] Bubba J.
: That's my brother's name.
: How are you doing, Bubba J.? Bubba J.
: I'm doin' pretty good! Jeff Dunham
: I'm glad you're here. Bubba J.
: Yeah, I was fixin' to come here, and I went out the front door to come here and I came here and I got here and here I am!
: [about NASCAR
] Sweet Daddy says it's just a bunch of guys driving in a circle. Bubba J.
: Oh, I know! That's my favorite part! They're makin' a left turn!
] Bubba J.
: It's a sport that's easy to follow when you're hammered.
: I'm tired of hearin' that most NASCAR fans drink too much. Jeff Dunham
: Oh, 'cause it's not true? Bubba J.
: Oh, no, it's true, I'm just tired of hearing it. Makes me thirsty for another beer.
: [to Bubba J
] Besides beer, do you ever have wine at the track? Bubba J.
: Yeah, I have box wine. Jeff Dunham
: Box wine? Bubba J.
: Yeah, it is wine that comes in a box. Jeff Dunham
: Yeah. Bubba J.
: It's great, 'cause if you had too much to drink, then you got something to throw up in.
: Bubba J., when you go to a NASCAR race and you party a lot, who is your designated driver? Bubba J.
: What the fuck is that? Jeff Dunham
: Do you drive drunk? Bubba J.
: No, officer! I'm practicing.
: Bubba J, don't you worry about your health? Bubba J.
: Huh? Jeff Dunham
: Your health. Bubba J.
: Oh, like what? Jeff Dunham
: Your liver. Bubba J.
: Ah, no. My last abduction was that aliens took it. Jeff Dunham
: You think you got abducted by aliens? Bubba J.
: I don't think, I know! They took me and they stuck something in my butt. And not in the good way.
: Bubba J, have you ever had an intervention? Bubba J.
: Yeah, and penicillin cleared it right up. Stupid cousin! It was a second cousin. That's a gray area.
: [about Bubba J's wedding
] Where did you have the reception? Bubba J.
: At Wal-Mart. Jeff Dunham
: Wal-Mart? Bubba J.
: Yeah. Jeff Dunham
: Why? Bubba J.
: Easier to return the gifts. Yeah, we walked in the front door. Some old codger's standing there and he goes, "Hey, welcome to Wal-Mart. Get your shit and get out!"
: [Santa accidentally burned himself in Bubba J's fireplace
] Why didn't you grab the nearest liquid and put him out? Bubba J.
: That would've been a waste of beer. Jeff Dunham
: What about water? Bubba J.
: We don't drink that crap. Jeff Dunham
: So how'd you put him out? Bubba J.
: I peed on him. Yeah, I've entered a new step to that list. Jeff Dunham
: What list? Bubba J.
: Stop, drop and quit rolling around so I can piss on you!
: Bubba J, I understand you've been writing Santa a letter. Bubba J.
: Yeah, I done it on a computer. Jeff Dunham
: Ah. Did you mail it to him? Bubba J.
] No. Jeff Dunham
: Why? Bubba J.
: My computer won't fit in the mailbox! Walter's right, you are a dumbass!
: You know, Bubba J, I took the opportunity of printing your letter for you.
[looks at small piece of paper
] Jeff Dunham
: And I notice when I printed it, the ink was kind of weird. Bubba J.
: Uh, that's because I was runnin' out of ink, so I mixed it with beer. Jeff Dunham
: You mixed beer with ink? Bubba J.
: Yeah. And if you smell that thing when you're reading it, you get a contact drunk. I learned that from Guitar Guy!
: [to Bubba J
] You lit Santa on fire? Bubba J.
: No, the damn fireplace did! Jeff Dunham
: And what happened? Bubba J.
: Whoosh! He burst into flames like Marilyn Manson at a Baptist revival! Jeff Dunham
: Bubba J, that's awful! Bubba J.
: That's why I'm still in therapy. It was hard to hear Santa go from "Ho ho ho" to "Ho ho holy shit!"
: Beernog! Jeff Dunham
: Beernog? How do you make beernog? Bubba J.
: Well, you take a big ol' bowl of eggnog and you pour it down the sink. And then you drink a beer.
: [to Jeff
] You remind me of that judge on "American Idol". Jeff Dunham
: Simon? Bubba J.