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Quotes for
Inspector Oscar Piper (Character)
from Murder on the Blackboard (1934)

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Murder on the Blackboard (1934)
Oscar Piper: I got to admit, you can take it.
Hildegarde Withers: Well, don't forget, when necessary I can dish it out, too.
Oscar Piper: I wish you'd let me forget it.

Oscar Piper: I oughta be a detective in the movies.
Hildegarde Withers: You could do all the acting, and the author could solve the crime.

[last lines]
Oscar Piper: ...A fella could come up and see ya some time couldn't he?
Hildegarde Withers: Why, Oscar Piper!
[Oscar laughs]
Hildegarde Withers: Why, you dreadful man! You get out of here. Go on, get out!
[He leaves the diner, laughing heartily, as Hildegarde smoothes her ruffled feathers]
Hildegarde Withers: Insulted at my age!
Bearded Diner: Better late than never, sister.
Hildegarde Withers: [haughtily] That will do.

Oscar Piper: You were the only one besides Schweitzer who knew she had the lottery ticket. You planned the whole thing.
Jane Davis: I didn't! I tell you, I didn't!
Oscar Piper: You murdered your best friend for a mere Sweepstakes prize.
Hildegarde Withers: A mere Sweepstakes prize of $50,000. Ha! I'd murder some people I know for 50 cents.
Oscar Piper: Ah, the French secret police are now wit' us. I gave orders for the teachers to be here at 9. It's now 10.
Hildegarde Withers: Ten AFTER ten, Inspector.
Oscar Piper: Something important kept you, I suppose.
Hildegarde Withers: Just the solution of the murder, that's all.
Oscar Piper: Oh, that's fine. Everybody all rounded up now, I take it?
Hildegarde Withers: Well, I haven't rounded up a lot of helpless women for browbeating, anyway.
Oscar Piper: I never met a helpless woman in my life. Siddown.

Detective Smiley North: Whatta yuh think we found in the cellar?
Oscar Piper: [Annoyed] Oh, now it's riddles!

Detective Smiley North: [Reporting on the cellar] No body, but someone's been diggin' a grave.
Oscar Piper: People don't dig graves just for the fun of it. Come on, Hildegard!

Oscar Piper: I'm gonna take this building apart brick by brick until I find the man that did that!
Hildegarde Withers: Or the woman...
Oscar Piper: Or the woman! Ain't let a cop killer get away in this town in twenty years!
Hildegarde Withers: Cop killer! I suppose one dead schoolteacher more or less doesn't count.
Oscar Piper: I don't count my corpses until I come to 'em!

Oscar Piper: We caught him quicker than I thought.
Hildegarde Withers: Almost anything can be done quicker than you think of.

Hildegarde Withers: That settles it!
Oscar Piper: Settles what?
Hildegarde Withers: I'm going to search the cellar.
Oscar Piper: You're not going into the cellar alone.
Hildegarde Withers: That's something you'll have to decide for yourself, Oscar.

Oscar Piper: This case is open and shut.
Hildegarde Withers: Open and shut?
Oscar Piper: Sure! The guy's a moron.
Hildegarde Withers: You should get him on the force.

Oscar Piper: [to Smiley about Otto] Book him for disorderly conduct or inciting to riot. Isn't so long as you get him in a cell.
Hildegarde Withers: How are you going to find him in a cell if you couldn't find him in the cellar?

Detective Donahue: [Noticing Dr. Von Immen and Hildegarde talking in his hospital room] Hey, what are those two talkin' about, for the love of Mike?
Oscar Piper: Whatta you care? You're lucky they're not both in bed with yuh.


Murder on a Bridle Path (1936)
Police Insp. Oscar Piper: There ain't a dame on earth I can't forget in six months.

Police Insp. Oscar Piper: [sarcastically] Hildegarde, you're as funny as a cry for help.

Police Insp. Oscar Piper: [In frustration] Well, I'm a speckled ape!
Hildegarde Withers: [Dryly] This is no time for a confession, Oscar.

Police Insp. Oscar Piper: I don't see why I always have to miss my breakfast for these accidents!
Hildegarde Withers: [Arriving on the scene to hear Oscar's complaint] I had an uncle who thought the World War would have been an accident.

Police Insp. Oscar Piper: Hildegarde, this may be what the French call a crime of passion.
Hildegarde Withers: Oscar, don't you think we ought to try to keep this case clean?

Police Insp. Oscar Piper: [as Hildegarde tries to get into the police car with Oscar] Well, where do you think you're goin'? What are you always following me for?
Hildegarde Withers: I don't know, Oscar. I guess it's because you always bring out the mother in me.

Police Insp. Oscar Piper: [Seeing Hildegarde going through a pair of empty pants] Are you sure you were never married?
Hildegarde Withers: There's a time and place to be funny.

Hildegarde Withers: How can you find out if a man has false teeth?
Police Insp. Oscar Piper: Get 'im mad enough to bite yuh.


The Plot Thickens (1936)
Oscar Piper: [Parodying the witnesses reactions out of frustration] "I don't know," "You don't know," It's funny. Nobody seems to know nothing! around here!
Hildegarde Withers: Hah! I wouldn't broadcast that if I were you, Oscar.

Oscar Piper: [Frustrated when it seems Cassidy can't remember anything] You'll go a long ways... a long ways out in the sticks.
Cassidy - Policeman: Thank you, sir.

Cassidy - Policeman: Inspector, I'm Cassidy.
Oscar Piper: [Grouchy] Yeah, and I'm busy!

Oscar Piper: [Seeing a piece of evidence] I saw this on Carter's desk this morning.
Hildegarde Withers: Sure, and it went in one eye and out the other.

Kendall: Oh, it was horrible, sir. Why, I thought...
Oscar Piper: [Interrupting impatiently] Never mind what you thought. What'd you do?

Hildegarde Withers: Inspector, I have a feeling there's more to this case than meets the eye.
Oscar Piper: You say that about every case.

Cassidy - Policeman: Inspector, I'm Cassidy.
Oscar Piper: And I'm busy.


Murder on a Honeymoon (1935)
Oscar Piper: So that's your system?
Hildegarde Withers: Can you suggest a better one?
Oscar Piper: I suggest using your head a little.
Hildegarde Withers: That'd be nice work for you, Oscar, if you could get it.
Hildegarde Withers: Uuuhhh!

Hildegarde Withers: [Surprised by Oscar's sudden surprising appearance on Catalina by sneaking up behind her] Oscar Piper!
Oscar Piper: Little moments from the lives of great detectives - Hildegarde, ya get screwier every day.
Hildegarde Withers: Come all the way from New York just to be stupid in new surroundings?

Oscar Piper: Well, where's the corpse?
Hildegarde Withers: [Faking befuddlement] Now let me see - what did I do with that corpse? Oh, the police station! Come on, Oscar!
Oscar Piper: Just a minute, it'll keep until after lunch, won't it?
Hildegarde Withers: Well, I hope so.
Oscar Piper: I never look at a corpse on an empty stomach. Com'on.
Hildegarde Withers: Hmmmm.

Dr. O'Rourke: [to Hildegarde and Oscar] That body was here when I came in at one o'clock this morning. Someone must have stolen it.
Oscar Piper: [Sarcastically] I meant to tell yuh, Hildegarde. One of the first things to remember about handling a murder case is always keep in touch with your corpse.

Oscar Piper: Uhhhh! Will you please to mind your own business! I'll tackle this myself. This is a man's job.
[He walks away]
Hildegarde Withers: That's what I'm afraid of!

Oscar Piper: [Frustrated] I'm going to make one of these mugs talk if I have to work on 'em with a rubber hose!
Hildegarde Withers: [Sarcastically] A very original idea for a policeman!


Penguin Pool Murder (1932)
Oscar Piper: It takes a certain type to be a detective.
Hildegard Withers: Well, I've noticed that.

Oscar Piper: If that penguin could talk I bet he'd tell us who the murderer was.

Isadore - Student with Glasses: [In the aquarium] What you doin' hangin' around this fish house?
Oscar Piper: Well, it's Friday, isn't it?
Isadore - Student with Glasses: It isn't Friday for wisecracks!

Oscar Piper: [Walking back to his table in the courtroom] Your honor, I've finished with the witness.
Hildegard Withers: You may be finished with the witness, Mr. Costello, but the witness is not finished with you!


Forty Naughty Girls (1937)
Inspector Oscar Piper: [Annoyed] He would have to get himself bumped off just when I want to see a show!

Inspector Oscar Piper: [Cynically] Funny about women... they never tell their fiances about the boyfriend.