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Quotes for
Baljeet (Character)
from "Phineas and Ferb" (2007)

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"Phineas and Ferb: The Mom Attractor (#3.44)" (2012)
Phineas: So, Baljeet, how many subatomic particles do you suppose are in that dandelion?
Baljeet: [weighing the dandelion in his hand] Hmm. Two point seven-three-two times ten to the 26th power of particles, but I could not tell you the exact location of any of them because of the Heisenberg uncertainty principle.

Phineas: Hey, Baljeet! Can I talk to you for a second?
Baljeet: Of course! I will just use small words.

[repeated line when brain stimulator is removed]
Baljeet: Something is different.

Phineas: Well, remember when we all made those life-sized stuffed models of ourselves this morning?
Baljeet: No.
Ferb: It pays to show up on time.
Baljeet: I will get an alarm clock.

Baljeet: You see, the greatest impediment to making astronomical observations is our atmosphere. It is like looking through pea soup; so, to make our terrestrial telescopes more effective, I'm going to take all of the Earth's atmosphere and put it on the moon!
Phineas: [shocked] Uh...
Isabella: [stunned] I don't, uh...
Buford: Sounds suffocatey.
Baljeet: Ah, I will disintegrate THAT bridge when I come to it.

Buford: [wearing the brain stimulator] I used my now vastly superior intellect to build the world's largest weggie machine!
[the others step away from Baljeet]
Baljeet: Boy, you try to eliminate the atmosphere ONE TIME...

"Phineas and Ferb: Monster from the Id (#3.32)" (2012)
Baljeet: [on contractions] You are amputating two perfectly good words and stitching them together. They are the Frankenstein monsters of grammar.

Candace: What's that?
Baljeet: It is ALL of Candace's anxieties.
Phineas: There are so... MANY of them.
Ferb: She has a rich internal life.

Baljeet: I can not believe I turned down a trip to the community pool for this!

Baljeet: Wait until they hear about this at psychology camp!

"Phineas and Ferb: The Bully Code (#2.31)" (2009)
Buford: I am your humble servant.
[hands him a card]
Buford: It's the Bully Code. I live my life by it.
Baljeet: [reading the card] If a nerd should save a bully's life, the bully is the nerd's slave for life. Should is misspelled.
Buford: Duh! It was written by bullies.
Baljeet: That is very nice, but I do not want a slave.
Buford: Too bad. You got one.

Buford: [trying to get away] You are following me!
Baljeet: At a respectable distance, little master.

Buford: I washed all your dust-jackets and dusted all your cold knick-knacks.
Baljeet: [seeing the bookshelf] Those are not knick-knacks. Those are food and should be in the refrigerator!
Buford: Awww. I've disappointed you, little master. I will strive to do better.
Baljeet: Do not strive for anything and I am not your little master!

Baljeet: [about Buford] He is driving me crazy! You've got to help me!
Phineas: Okay, okay. We just have to get Buford to save your life and you'll be even.

"Phineas and Ferb: What'd I Miss? (#3.59)" (2012)
Baljeet: Hey, Buford. Your voice is so raspy. It sounds as if sandpaper and a washboard had a baby.

Buford: Pretty good punch line, right.
Baljeet: Yes. All you need is the first part, and then you will have a WHOLE joke.

Phineas: Ferb, I... Oh, that's right, he went to debate camp today.
Baljeet: Oh, oh! I will be Ferb! I have been practicing!
[goes into character as Ferb]
Isabella: That's pretty good, Baljeet.
Phineas: Wow, it's as if he's right in front of us.
Buford: Oh, oh! Say "where's Perry?" now. I've been practicing.
[goes down into platypus position]
Phineas: Okay. Where's Perry?
Buford: [gets up] I don't know. What are you asking me for?

"Phineas and Ferb: Skiddley Whiffers/Tour de Ferb (#3.10)" (2011)
Phineas: Everyone likes a good bike race.
Baljeet: Not me. You see, I come from a long line of bicycle race losers. In 1903, my great-grandfather was leading a bicycle race when he fell into a tiger pit. Years later, my grandfather skillfully avoided the tiger pit, but sadly not the tiger. Then, my father was confident he had outsmarted the tiger, but he was wrong. My point is, none of them finished in the top ten.
Phineas: You know, tiger attacks are comparatively rare in Danville since we installed that Tiger-Excluder on City Hall.

Phineas: Hey, Baljeet, don't let a little thing like all of your male ancestors getting mauled by tigers during a bike race get you down.
Baljeet: Well... it does seem to indicate a pattern.

[during the bike race, Baljeet takes a spill]
Greg LeMond: Baljeet, you aren't quitting, are you?
Baljeet: [getting up] No, sir, Mr. LeMond. I came to win!
Greg LeMond: I know things are tough, and there's that little voice telling you to quit...
Baljeet: [annoyed] I hear no voice.
Greg LeMond: ...but you can't quit.
Baljeet: [angered] But I do not WANT to quit!
Greg LeMond: Hey, true story. Hunting accident. My brother-in-law thought I was a turkey...
[gobbles like a turkey]
Greg LeMond: Kaboom! But I recovered - and you can, too.
Baljeet: Wow, I have no idea how to respond to that. I think I will be continuing with the race now.
Greg LeMond: [as Baljeet reenters the race] Dropping out seems like the easy way, but years from now I don't want you to look back and wonder "what if."

"Phineas and Ferb: That's the Spirit/The Curse of Candace (#3.12)" (2011)
Pumpkinhead: Aren't you a little young to be hunting ghosts?
Phineas, Buford, Baljeet, Candace, Isabella, Russell: [in unison] Yes! Yes, we are!

Baljeet: This is really the wrong color and viscosity for water.

Baljeet: I am so happy! I have just torn my rotator cuff!

"Phineas and Ferb: Phineas and Ferb: Summer Belongs to You! (#2.54)" (2010)
Uncle Sabu: [the kids find Baljeet's uncle in the Himalayas, sitting cross-legged in the snow] Ah, Baljeet and friends, I was expecting you.
Baljeet: Really?
Uncle Sabu: No, that's just something we say up here to freak out the tourists.

Buford: Love is a canvas furnished by nature and embroidered by the imagination.
Baljeet: Voltaire, Buford? Really?
Buford: Oh, I can't help it. Paris does it to me every time.

Isabella: Oh, no! Road construction!
Phineas: It took Mom and hour to get around that.
Isabella: [looking at the watch that suddenly and conveniently appears on her wrist] There's only 58 seconds 'till sundown!
Baljeet: What kind of watch *is* that?

"Phineas and Ferb: Where's Perry? (#3.55)" (2012)
Baljeet: Uh, can you point me to the bathroom?
Iggy: Young man, there is a bush over there with your name on it.
Baljeet: My name? Really? How did it... Oh, you mean that figuratively.

[last lines]
Iggy: I'll admit, I have never really studied the platypus, but I am absolutely shocked that this one somehow followed you all the way to Africa. It seems impossible.
Ferb: Well, ever since George Shaw wrote the first description of the platypus for highly skeptical European scientists in 1798, this unique creature has become synonymous with the word 'impossible'.
Phineas: You know, Ferb's right.
Isabella, Buford, Baljeet: [calmly] Yeah.
Candace: Really? You're all satisfied with that answer?
Lawrence: Alright, well, we're turning in.
Buford: Yeah, me too.
Phineas: Good night.
Candace: Seriously, a platypus crosses the Atlantic Ocean, finds you on the vast continent of Africa, and no one feels this is worthy of a longer discussion?
Phineas: It's been a long day, Candace. Go to sleep.
Buford: Yeah, it'll probably all make sense in the morning.
Candace: Really? That's it? Nobody's with me here?

"Phineas and Ferb: What a Croc! (#3.48)" (2012)
Baljeet: I am a doctor and, yes, I am single.

Damsel: Oh, no! Dr. Baljeet, who are they?
Baljeet: Just some old friends in post-apocalyptic battle gear.

"Phineas and Ferb: Got Game? (#1.34)" (2008)
Baljeet: [strapped upside down as the game starts] I feel this may not be the best way to block a shot.
[being hit repeatedly with a ball]
Baljeet: Clearly I was- clearly I was wrong, that was an excellent way to block a shot!

Candace: I feel like a kebab.
Baljeet: I too fell a certain element of kebabism.

"Phineas and Ferb: Phineas and Ferb Interrupted/A Real Boy (#3.8)" (2011)
Isabella: Guys, what would you rather do - watch paint dry or lasso wild dolphins and ride 'em across the high seas?
Phineas: What color paint? Can it be beige?
Isabella: [gasps] This can't be happening! Baljeet, you speak boring. See if you can do anything.
Baljeet: Oh, I speak boring? And getting your whittling patch is SO exciting!
Buford: Meow! Cat fight!

Buford: Hey, look! It's one of those... things.
Baljeet: Yes, a big one!

"Phineas and Ferb: Get That Bigfoot Outta My Face! (#1.17)" (2008)
Phineas: Hey, we're almost there. What's the first thing you're going to do at camp, Buford?
Buford: Find a nerd, take his underpants, and run 'em up the flagpole.
Phineas: I don't think Camp Phineas and Ferb has a flag pole.
Buford: Then I'll just find a nerd and take his underpants.
Baljeet: [meakly] You may have my underpants. They just got very messy all of a sudden.

Candace: [laughing to the kids] I sure got you guys! You should have seen your faces. Only unsophisticated, immature brains would believe in monsters. Yes, it takes a mature adult such as myself to know... that there... is no... such... thing as gggg- bigfoot!
[sees Doofenshmirtz being chased by the tree bigfoots, screams and runs into the house]
Baljeet: [as the kind turn to see an empty path with a full moon] Oh, I do not believe her one bit! Too much overacting.

"Phineas and Ferb: Where's Perry? (Part Two) (#3.56)" (2012)
Baljeet: Lucky for us this quicksand broke our fall.

Baljeet: Aw, man! I have never been pantsed by a continent before.

"Phineas and Ferb: Greece Lightning (#1.25)" (2008)
Phineas: [after explaining the route for the race] Any questions?
Baljeet: Yes. Should we not establish the rules first?
Buford: This is a chariot race. There are not rules!
Isabella: No rules? Well, if those are the rules.

Baljeet: [during the race] The girls are still gaining!

"Phineas and Ferb: It's No Picnic (#4.37)" (2014)
Baljeet: [Both bump into each other] Hey, you got your bitterballen in my vindaloo.
Buford: And you got your vindaloo all over my bitterballen!
Baljeet: I wonder if these two great tastes will taste great?
Buford: Nah. We should kill this with fire.
Baljeet: [pauses] Agreed.

Phineas: Come on, gang! Let's get started on building our mega-mondo...
Buford: Ah, no can do, dinner bell. It's family day, and the van Stomms from the low countries are visiting. Buford is outtie, G.
Phineas: Well, that's a bummer. But we can come up with some workarounds. So if you two...
Baljeet: No can do, Phineas. I am taking an East Indian cooking class. We are going to make goat vindaloo. If we can ever find a goat.
[a goat bleats off screen]
Baljeet: Oh, there is one now! Got to run!
Phineas: Well, good luck! Well, the plans will still work with just three of us.
Linda: I'm afraid your plans will have to wait until after Ferb's dental appointment. Come on, honey. Time to go.
Ferb: All right.
Phineas: Wow, I've never seen Ferb so nervous. Hmm... Well, I guess it's just the two of us, huh?
[Isabella squeals uncontrollably with excitement all over her body]
Phineas: Isabella, are you all right?
[Isabella slaps herself and goes back to normal]
Isabella: Oh. Oh, yeah. We-we could spend the day together. That would be fun. Whatever...

"Phineas and Ferb: Ferb Latin/Lotsa Latkes (#3.13)" (2011)
[Buford and Baljeet attempt to entertain senior citizens with sock puppets]
Senior Citizen: You stink!
Buford: Well, that wasn't very nice!
Baljeet: Technically, we ARE socks.

"Phineas and Ferb: When Worlds Collide (#3.58)" (2012)
Baljeet: Our planets are going to collide! You DO know what that means?
Buford: Sure. It's like when you have two sets of keys, and you keep one in the car.
Baljeet: No, it means... NOOOOO!

"Phineas and Ferb: The Ballad of Badbeard (#1.24)" (2008)
Candace: What about the curse?
Buford: Bad beards forever dude!
Baljeet: You don't even have a chin.

"Phineas and Ferb: Tri-Stone Area/Doof Dynasty (#3.15)" (2012)
Phineas: There it is, the Unclimbable Mountain of Unclimbableness.
Buford: You know what I hate about the Unclimbable Mountain of Unclimbableness? Just to get there, you have to cross the Uncrossable River of Uncrossableness.
Baljeet: Who named all these things?
Buford: That guy over there, the Redundant Scribe of Redundantness.
Scribe: Hi, there, greetings, howdy and salutations.

"Phineas and Ferb: The Baljeatles (#2.21)" (2009)
Phineas: Is everything okay?
Baljeet: If by "okay", you mean that my life is a meaningless, black cauldron of swirling failure, then yes, everything is groovy.
Phineas: That's not at all what I meant by "okay".

"Phineas and Ferb: Sipping with the Enemy (#3.51)" (2012)
[repeated line]
Baljeet: [in a ghostly voice] Miiiiiind fliiiiip!

"Phineas and Ferb: Phineas and Ferb-Busters (#2.47)" (2010)
Baljeet: It is called "spinning tops".
Buford: LAME!
Baljeet: Of DOOM!
Buford: Alright, I'll give it a shot.

"Phineas and Ferb: Escape from Phineas Tower/The Remains of the Platypus (#3.18)" (2011)
Baljeet: [standing idly by with Buford and Isabella while Phineas and Ferb enter their inescapable tower] Legally speaking, what is our liability here?

"Phineas and Ferb: The Great Indoors/Canderemy (#3.1)" (2011)
Isabela: What'cha doin'?
Phineas: Hey, Isabella. We're building a giant robot dog.
Baljeet: Like when we made that title sequence!
Buford: Mmm, I'd rather give a monkey a shower.

"Phineas and Ferb: Terrifying Tri-State Trilogy of Terror (#4.17)" (2013)
Phineas: And so our heroes were ripped to shreds and left to die.
Isabella: Wait a minute, that was a pretty grim ending, don't you think?
Buford: Yeah, talk about your unlightful endings.
Baljeet: He means "delightful," and he means the opposite of that.
Phineas: Okay, okay, I'll give you the Hollywood ending.

"Phineas and Ferb: Mommy Can You Hear Me?/Road Trip (#3.9)" (2011)
Phineas: Right now, Sergei is orbiting Earth in an international space station trying to prove the existence of wormholes, and in a few hours he'll be directly above our backyard.
Baljeet: I hope they do not void the sanitation system.
Buford: Is that the first place your brain goes? Really?

"Phineas and Ferb: Ask a Foolish Question/Misperceived Monotreme (#3.5)" (2011)
Phineas: Well, you seem to be working perfectly, so... Computer, what is the nicest thing we can do for Mom today.
Supercomputer: Computing. Done. Get a gallon of industrial marking dye and a leaf blower, tie balloons onto them, then go to the top of Danville Hill and, at 2:37 P.M., release them into the wind.
Phineas: Really?
Supercomputer: Nothing could make your mother happier today.
Baljeet: You turned down "slide rule" for THIS?
Phineas: I don't know, Baljeet. From what we've seen so far, I think a little blind faith is called for.

"Phineas and Ferb: Run, Candace, Run/Last Train to Bustville (#3.2)" (2011)
Buford: [during the balloon race] Hey we're falling behind, what's happening?
Baljeet: Excess weight seems to be hampering our progress.
Buford: Yeah, we gotta lighten the load.
[throws Baljeet out of the balloon, where Baljeet dangling off it from a rope]
Baljeet: How does dangling me from a rope lighten our load?
Buford: Eh, it lightens my spirit.

"Phineas and Ferb: Bad Hair Day/Meatloaf Surprise (#3.7)" (2011)
Baljeet: Hey, Buford, we are going to float like little woodland pixies.
Buford: You're never gonna let me live that down, are you?

"Phineas and Ferb: For Your Ice Only/Happy New Year! (#4.1)" (2012)
Phineas: What do you think?
Baljeet: It is like our own miniature Canada! But, of course, without the beavers, moose, and disproportionate number of comedians.
Phineas: Or Canadian bacon.
Buford: I forgot all about Canadian bacon.
Baljeet: You realize it is only ham.

"Phineas and Ferb: Thaddeus and Thor/De Plane! De Plane! (#2.11)" (2009)
Buford: [climbing aboard the Paper Pelican] You better have some decent grub on this bucket.
Baljeet: You will be most gratified!
[Buford walks away]
Baljeet: As long as you find insignificant bags of peanuts gratifying.
Baljeet: Welcome to Wedgie-ville. Population: me.

"Phineas and Ferb: Day of the Living Gelatin (#2.6)" (2009)
[the gelatin has turned into an evil monster, thanks to Dr. Doofenshmirtz]
Phineas: All right, who added the "evil" flavor?
[everyone looks at Baljeet]
Baljeet: It's curry. It's not inherently evil. Maybe a little spicy.
[the monster growls]
Baljeet: Okay, I'm going home.

Phineas and Ferb the Movie: Across the 2nd Dimension (2011) (TV)
Phineas Flynn: Okay, everyone, I think the tail is all set. I'll just go check with the foreman.
Isabella Garcia-Shapiro: He's gone!
Phineas Flynn: Hey, where's Perry? Did he really slip away? On his anniversary? Sometimes it seems like Perry's missed every single cool thing we've done all summer long. I guess he can do whatever he wants. After all, it's his day, right?
[Perry stands behind the tree and throws a stone, which clatters to something]
Baljeet Rai: Hey, what was that small noise?
Phineas Flynn: Let's all go walk over to it!
[Phineas, Ferb, Isabella, Buford and Baljeet all go over towards the noise while Perry goes into one of his secret entrances]

"Phineas and Ferb: Bee Day/Bee Story (#4.9)" (2013)
Buford: [mocking Phineas] "Ooh, I promised Isabella."
Phineas: Is that how I sound?
Ferb: He really nailed you.
Baljeet: It is uncanny.

"Phineas and Ferb: Phineas and Ferb: Star Wars (#4.41)" (2014)
Baljeet: That was the last ship!
Buford: Yeah, we're toast.
Phineas: Well, if we had to go out, at least it was for something we believe in.
Baljeet: My only regret is that I spent so much time on the wrong side.
Buford: My only regret is that I ate that hoagie.
Phineas: I guess if I have a regret, it's that I never got reunited with my sister. She left Tatooine when I was just a baby.
Candace: [realizes] Phineas?
Phineas: Candace?
Candace: Oh, I can't believe it!
Phineas: Candace!
[he and Ferb hug Candace]
Candace: You got so big! I didn't even recognize you... Hey, wait a minute. Why is this guy hugging us?
Phineas: Oh, this is Ferb. He's our step-brother.
Candace: Mom remarried? What happened to Dad?
Phineas: Funny story, actually. He...
[the Death Star blows up, seemingly with the gang inside it. But next picture shows a flying spaceship, and it turns out to be Isabella catching them in the last second]
Phineas: Wow, that was close. Thanks for coming back to get us, Isabella.
Isabella: Well, that's what friends are for.

"Phineas and Ferb: Doofapus (#3.53)" (2012)
Baljeet: Tell me again why you have a life-size mold of Candace.
Buford: I got life-size molds of ALL my friends.
Isabella: I'm not sure how I feel about that.

"Phineas and Ferb: The Belly of the Beast/Moon Farm (#3.4)" (2011)
Buford: [part of the Harbor Day reenactment] Look at me! I'm a shark! I can poop in the ocean!
Baljeet: [pushing Buford through the harbor] But you're not going to, right?

"Phineas and Ferb: Sleepwalk Surprise (#3.49)" (2012)
Baljeet: [peering down at yet another crop circle] It is the same design as the others.
Phineas: Maybe they're trying to tell us something.
Baljeet: That they really like that symbol, apparently.