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] Jay Cartwright
: You better bring your wellies, because you'll be knee-deep in clunge.
] Will McKenzie
: First stop the Minoan palace in Knossos. Jay Cartwright
: We haven't come half way round the world to look at some fucking Greek ruins. Neil Sutherland
: Yeah you can see that shit anywhere.
] Will McKenzie
: Jay slept in an Ant's nest. Jay Cartwright
: Oh... The pain.
: This girl's so wet for me I can hear the waves breaking in her fanny.
: Why go for hamburgers, when you have steak at home?
: Don't you know about foreign police? They take you up a hill, beat you up and then they bum you! Neil Sutherland
: Yeah. and if they don't kill you, you kill yourself because of the shame of you getting a boner whilst you was being bummed!
: [a Fish has jumped into the boat
] Jesus Christ! How the hell has that happened? Neil Sutherland
: I dunno, it didn't have any bait on it. Jay Cartwright
: Get it out! Neil Sutherland
: It's just a fish. Will McKenzie
: It's a fucking terrifying, massive fish! Get rid of it Neil!
: [after Jay has let off the Emergency flare
] Why the fuck did you do that? Jay Cartwright
: To get the Sea Police out! Will McKenzie
: And say what, "Help, We've caught a fish!"? We're already in the Harbour, What are they gonna do? Tow us four feet closer to the shore?
: Are we gonna have to swim back? Simon Cooper
: [shivering, referring to the sea
] It's *very* cold in there. Jay Cartwright
: Just row back; On holiday in Spain one year, me and my mate took a pedalo out and went to Africa. Will McKenzie
] Do you think you can spare us the bullshit for one minute; while I try figure out how not to die at sea?
: [while looking at an old lady in a window
] HA! You must be joking. She's ancient! Jay
: Nah, if she put on a bit of a fake tan and slipped into some sexy undies, I'd definitely give it a go!
: I'm going to go look for that yummy mummy that wants me to spunk on her tummy. Will McKenzie
: A rapey rhyme, how lovely.
: Bus Wankers!
: I fucked some girl up there last week. Will McKenzie
: Where in London? Jay Cartwright
: The Tower Of London. Will McKenzie
: What did you do after you fucked her? Cut her head off? Jay Cartwright
: She's already seen the crown jewels: my bellend.
: [Neil is in the toilet examining his Penis after cutting earlier
] What's taking so Fucking Long? Neil Sutherland
: Oh, Mate. It's not good, Get us some bog roll... Look!
[displays Penis to Jay
] Jay Cartwright
: Ah, Jesus! Put it away, Neil! Neil Sutherland
: I can't. It stings when it rubs on my pants! Jay Cartwright
: Well... Take your pants off then! Neil Sutherland
: I can't, then it'll rub on my jeans. Jay Cartwright
: Neil, No matter what your old man says, You can't Walk around London with your knob hanging out.
: Bus Wankerrrrrrrrrs! Simon
: What did I just say? Oh Christ, Jay. Will
: Oh no. They're coming. Jay
: Shit! Drive! Simon
: Where? Where am I meant to drive to! Will
: Anywhere. Jay
: Oh shit. Simon
: [turns car onto pavement
: Anywhere. But. The. Pavement. Bus Stop Guy
: [Grabs Simon's throat
: Listen... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm really. Please. Bus Stop Guy
: Who's a wanker? Simon
: [still throttled
] I'm really sorry. Bus Stop Guy
: I'm a wanker am I? Simon
: I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Bus Stop Guy
: I'm a wanker, ye? Simon
: I'm sorry. Will
: He said he's sorry. He's really sorry. Bus Stop Guy
: [laughing and still throttling Simon while Simon shuts the car window
] I'd rather be a bus wanker than drive that lump of yellow shit! Simon
: ...You got me throttled!
: [about the French exchange student
] He seems a bit weird. He asked me if I've tried the "Sleeping Beauty?" Neil Sutherland
: Oh, it's good, that. Simon Cooper
: What, you know it? Neil Sutherland
: Yeah, you sit on your arm 'til your hand goes dead. Ten, fifteen minutes is normally enough. And then when you wank, it feels like someone else is doing it. Will McKenzie
: How do you know these things? Jay Cartwright
: Oh, everyone knows the Sleeping Beauty; that's old. Will McKenzie
: Is it? Jay Cartwright
: Yeah, my mate's brother invented it. He and his mates used to be called The Dead Hand Gang. Will McKenzie
: They had a gang based on masturbation? Oh there's nothing gay about that. Jay Cartwright
: Yeah, well he's in the Air Force now, so how gay's that? Will McKenzie
: Still quite gay!
: [about finding dates for Will's birthday party
] Maybe I'll see what Carli's up to. Jay Cartwright
: Not being seen dead with you in a million years, is what she's up to. Simon Cooper
: Oh, I'm sorry, Russell Brand, who are you bringing again? Jay Cartwright
: Don't worry about me, mate, I'm up to my neck in sluts at the moment. Maybe I'll bring my new fuck buddy along, that little blonde barmaid from the Fox and Hounds. Neil Sutherland
: You pulled a barmaid? Nice! Will McKenzie
: Has she got any special dietary requirements? It's just I've never cooked for an imaginary woman before. Jay Cartwright
: Well, I know she's not allergic to nuts - my nuts... Simon Cooper
: brilliant... Jay Cartwright
: or my cock. Will McKenzie
: She only eats small portions then? Jay Cartwright
: Well I didn't hear your mum complaining... although her mouth was full at the time. Will McKenzie
: Yep. Good one.
: Look, I put a lot of effort into this! I made a really nice coq au vin... Jay Cartwright
] Cock of what? Simon Cooper
: You don't help yourself, do you? Will McKenzie
] Oh yes, I see, 'coq' au vin, very mature! It actually means chicken in wine, doesn't it, Patrice? Patrice
] Quoi? Will McKenzie
: Well, it does, and it doesn't mean cock up my arse, or cock on my head, or... Simon Cooper
: ...you got some cock in the back of a van... Will McKenzie
: Or that I got some cock in the back of a van! Look, all I wanted was a nice, civilized and sophisticated dinner party. Just something a little different from the usual parties - maybe even the sort of party that girls are impressed by! OK, so there aren't any girls here, but why don't we at least attempt to have a sophisticated conversation? I know it's a tall order, and I'm not expecting sparkling, but let's give it a go, eh, since it is my FUCKING BIRTHDAY!
[everyone sits in chastened silence for a while
] Neil Sutherland
: How much Lego can you stick up your bum? Will McKenzie
: Oh, for Christ's sake! Neil Sutherland
: How much Lego can you get up your bum? Didn't you do it as a kid? Just a triangle one and a long one? Maybe a few singles? Jay Cartwright
: You are grim, mate.
: Oi, Neil, did you hear about Chris from the paper shop? Neil
: No, what? Jay
: He was messing about up The Rec. Got his head wedged in the bottle bank. Got stuck there all night. By the time someone found him in the mornin', he'd been arse-raped 18 times. Neil
: Ohhhh mate... that's grim... Will
: I have a few questions... Jay
: Like what? Will
: Well, one- why was he sticking his head in the bottle bank? Jay
: Looking for bottles, you mug. Will
: Okay... Number two- what you're saying is the first eighteen people to have discovered him in this state just happened to be opportunistic homosexual rapists? Jay
: Looks like it... Here, Where was your Dad last night, Neil? Neil
: Badminton, Why? Jay
] Course He was. Will
: And Number three - Why would he would tell what, at best, was a humiliating evening, tell you, of all people, about it? Jay
: I used to sit next to him in Woodwork!
: [Neil grunts to do a fart
] Oh, No, Neil, You haven't... Tara
: What? Will
: Unbelievable. Tara
: Oh, My God that stinks! Simon
: Neil! Have you farted again? Neil
] Not sure mate, could be fart, could be worse! Simon
: For Fuck's sake, open a window! Will
: You need to see a bowel specialist! Jay
: Or he could ask his dad; He likes inspecting Men's anuses! Tara
: I feel really ill Simon, can you please pull over? Neil
: Calm down, it was only a Sausage and Egg McMuffin. Tara
: [shudders unconfomtably
] Oooh... Neil
: Ooh, There's the Hash Brown!
: Jesus Christ!
: What about my human rights? Mr. Gilbert
: You have to be human for those to apply, Cartwright.
] Oh well done you've mastered walking like a knob and looking like a dick at the same time! Simon
: This is actually enjoyable, in an 'I'm shitting myself' kind of way Neil
: If you've shit yourself in them trousers, I ain't touching them! Simon
: Of course I haven't Jay Cartwright
: You walk like you have!
: No-one brings a bag of shit to a pub. Jay Cartwright
: Your dad does. Simon Cooper
: Does he? Jay Cartwright
: Yeah, your mum!
: [after Chloe has dumped Jay
] Alright you big poof? Where's your bit then? I thought you'd be having it up to your nuts in guts. Jay Cartwright
] Nah, I had to er, I had to give her the boot. Will McKenzie
: Did you? I thought you were really into her? Jay Cartwright
: Nah, she was like frigid, and she wouldn't have this threesome, even though I organised it with a top lezzer model, and
] Jay Cartwright
: my cock was too big for her!
: At least I don't have to wipe old arse for the next three months, just to get a Duke of Spastic award!
: I've no interest in babes. Jay Cartwright
: That's handy, cos they've got no interest in you. Will McKenzie
: Ooh, Sorry. Who here has pulled Charlotte Hinchcliffe? Who? Huh? Me, That's who! Jay Cartwright
: She only did it for a bet! Will McKenzie
: That's not true. Simon Cooper
: Oh, God. Let's not get into all that again. Jay Cartwright
: It is true! Will McKenzie
: It's not fucking true! People don't get fingered for a bet, Jay. With the possible exception of your sister. Jay Cartwright
: Take that back! Will McKenzie
: Actually, I do take it back. But your mum on the other hand; she'd probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits. Neil Sutherland
: Oooh! Simon Cooper
: [mocking voice
] Oh no! Neil Sutherland
: [noticing Jay has shut up
: [Jay steps outside to see an ambulance taking Will away
] Wha' Gwan? Simon
: Somebody called the ambulance and they're taking him away. Jay
: [high and paranoid
] Oh fucking Jesus, oh no! It wasn't me that sold it, right?
[sees ambulance lights
: Oh, shit! The blue lights! Simon
: It's an ambulance. Jay
: That's what they *want* you to believe!
[throws various objects out of his pocket, runs away into the night