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] Will McKenzie
: First stop the Minoan palace in Knossos. Jay Cartwright
: We haven't come half way round the world to look at some fucking Greek ruins. Neil Sutherland
: Yeah you can see that shit anywhere.
] Will McKenzie
: Jay slept in an Ant's nest. Jay Cartwright
: Oh... The pain.
] Will McKenzie
: I've lost my glasses!
: So smelling like an industrial accident in a Lynx factory and looking like the world's shittest boyband, we hit the town.
: I like football, but I don't like Burnley. Burnley can f*ck off.
: That's it! Neil, you're right. It may not be paradise, but it's time we started enjoying this place for what it is. Simon Cooper
: A shithole? Will McKenzie
: Yes, but it's our shithole! So I say, we get out there, and get royally fucked up on Jay's dead grandad's money!
: [a Fish has jumped into the boat
] Jesus Christ! How the hell has that happened? Neil Sutherland
: I dunno, it didn't have any bait on it. Jay Cartwright
: Get it out! Neil Sutherland
: It's just a fish. Will McKenzie
: It's a fucking terrifying, massive fish! Get rid of it Neil!
: [after Jay has let off the Emergency flare
] Why the fuck did you do that? Jay Cartwright
: To get the Sea Police out! Will McKenzie
: And say what, "Help, We've caught a fish!"? We're already in the Harbour, What are they gonna do? Tow us four feet closer to the shore?
: Better kill it, It's the kindest thing to do; it won't survive back in the sea now
[punches the Fish to a bloody pulp
] Will McKenzie
] Well, that was a much more dignified end for him.
: Are we gonna have to swim back? Simon Cooper
: [shivering, referring to the sea
] It's *very* cold in there. Jay Cartwright
: Just row back; On holiday in Spain one year, me and my mate took a pedalo out and went to Africa. Will McKenzie
] Do you think you can spare us the bullshit for one minute; while I try figure out how not to die at sea?
: Oi, Neil, did you hear about Chris from the paper shop? Neil
: No, what? Jay
: He was messing about up The Rec. Got his head wedged in the bottle bank. Got stuck there all night. By the time someone found him in the mornin', he'd been arse-raped 18 times. Neil
: Ohhhh mate... that's grim... Will
: I have a few questions... Jay
: Like what? Will
: Well, one- why was he sticking his head in the bottle bank? Jay
: Looking for bottles, you mug. Will
: Okay... Number two- what you're saying is the first eighteen people to have discovered him in this state just happened to be opportunistic homosexual rapists? Jay
: Looks like it... Here, Where was your Dad last night, Neil? Neil
: Badminton, Why? Jay
] Course He was. Will
: And Number three - Why would he would tell what, at best, was a humiliating evening, tell you, of all people, about it? Jay
: I used to sit next to him in Woodwork!
: [Neil grunts to do a fart
] Oh, No, Neil, You haven't... Tara
: What? Will
: Unbelievable. Tara
: Oh, My God that stinks! Simon
: Neil! Have you farted again? Neil
] Not sure mate, could be fart, could be worse! Simon
: For Fuck's sake, open a window! Will
: You need to see a bowel specialist! Jay
: Or he could ask his dad; He likes inspecting Men's anuses! Tara
: I feel really ill Simon, can you please pull over? Neil
: Calm down, it was only a Sausage and Egg McMuffin. Tara
: [shudders unconfomtably
] Oooh... Neil
: Ooh, There's the Hash Brown!
: Jesus Christ!
: [Will wakes up to find a sleeping Neil urinating on him
] No... Neil! Neil, wake the fuck up! You've pissed the bed! Neil
: Oh, no! Will
: Stop it! Stop pissing! Neil
: I got a problem with that! Will
: Well, go to the loo then! Oh god! Sophie's gonna go mental! Why's it so green? Neil
: [Clearly Hungover
] My Head Hurts... Will
] Yes, I'll suspend my sympathy as I'm covered in your piss! Neil
: It's good for ya! Will
: Oh, right? So I'll piss on you, shall I? Get the fuck to the toilet! It smells of pissy sugar puffs!
: [about the French exchange student
] He seems a bit weird. He asked me if I've tried the "Sleeping Beauty?" Neil Sutherland
: Oh, it's good, that. Simon Cooper
: What, you know it? Neil Sutherland
: Yeah, you sit on your arm 'til your hand goes dead. Ten, fifteen minutes is normally enough. And then when you wank, it feels like someone else is doing it. Will McKenzie
: How do you know these things? Jay Cartwright
: Oh, everyone knows the Sleeping Beauty; that's old. Will McKenzie
: Is it? Jay Cartwright
: Yeah, my mate's brother invented it. He and his mates used to be called The Dead Hand Gang. Will McKenzie
: They had a gang based on masturbation? Oh there's nothing gay about that. Jay Cartwright
: Yeah, well he's in the Air Force now, so how gay's that? Will McKenzie
: Still quite gay!
: [about finding dates for Will's birthday party
] Maybe I'll see what Carli's up to. Jay Cartwright
: Not being seen dead with you in a million years, is what she's up to. Simon Cooper
: Oh, I'm sorry, Russell Brand, who are you bringing again? Jay Cartwright
: Don't worry about me, mate, I'm up to my neck in sluts at the moment. Maybe I'll bring my new fuck buddy along, that little blonde barmaid from the Fox and Hounds. Neil Sutherland
: You pulled a barmaid? Nice! Will McKenzie
: Has she got any special dietary requirements? It's just I've never cooked for an imaginary woman before. Jay Cartwright
: Well, I know she's not allergic to nuts - my nuts... Simon Cooper
: brilliant... Jay Cartwright
: or my cock. Will McKenzie
: She only eats small portions then? Jay Cartwright
: Well I didn't hear your mum complaining... although her mouth was full at the time. Will McKenzie
: Yep. Good one.
: Look, I put a lot of effort into this! I made a really nice coq au vin... Jay Cartwright
] Cock of what? Simon Cooper
: You don't help yourself, do you? Will McKenzie
] Oh yes, I see, 'coq' au vin, very mature! It actually means chicken in wine, doesn't it, Patrice? Patrice
] Quoi? Will McKenzie
: Well, it does, and it doesn't mean cock up my arse, or cock on my head, or... Simon Cooper
: ...you got some cock in the back of a van... Will McKenzie
: Or that I got some cock in the back of a van! Look, all I wanted was a nice, civilized and sophisticated dinner party. Just something a little different from the usual parties - maybe even the sort of party that girls are impressed by! OK, so there aren't any girls here, but why don't we at least attempt to have a sophisticated conversation? I know it's a tall order, and I'm not expecting sparkling, but let's give it a go, eh, since it is my FUCKING BIRTHDAY!
[everyone sits in chastened silence for a while
] Neil Sutherland
: How much Lego can you stick up your bum? Will McKenzie
: Oh, for Christ's sake! Neil Sutherland
: How much Lego can you get up your bum? Didn't you do it as a kid? Just a triangle one and a long one? Maybe a few singles? Jay Cartwright
: You are grim, mate.
[Will is musing about Carli kissing Simon
] Will McKenzie
: [voice over
] So he'd finally worn her down, and Simon didn't know whether to come in his pants or text his friends. In the end, he did both.
: [after Chloe has dumped Jay
] Alright you big poof? Where's your bit then? I thought you'd be having it up to your nuts in guts. Jay Cartwright
] Nah, I had to er, I had to give her the boot. Will McKenzie
: Did you? I thought you were really into her? Jay Cartwright
: Nah, she was like frigid, and she wouldn't have this threesome, even though I organised it with a top lezzer model, and
] Jay Cartwright
: my cock was too big for her!
: [after having soiled himself in the exam
] I thought it was a fart sir, I thought it was safe.
: Meanwhile, I was chasing a girl I had recently fingered to sleep.
: There's something I always wanted to know too. Will McKenzie
, Simon Cooper
, Jay Cartwright
: What is it? Neil Sutherland
: How long after a poo do you have to wait before you can have sex? Will McKenzie
: Please don't let this be my last thought. Neil Sutherland
: Because I never found out.
: Playing the guitar badly, wearing beads, talking about 'one love' and pretending you are friends with Central American villagers - who, by the way, despise you - before heading back to your parents five-bedroomed house in Surrey, doesn't make you a spiritual person, it makes you a bell-end. Ben
: I think you're right about his song, Katie. Will McKenzie
: Oh, fuck off, Ben! You don't believe in 'song lines' any more than I do. It's just a way for you to seem interesting to girls because deep down you know you're boring and pretentious like your stupid fucking dreadlocks. Which, by the way, always look embarrassing on white people. They're not countercultural, they actually scream 'Oh, I've got a trust fund!' so get a normal haircut, you unbearable prick.
: I fucked some girl up there last week. Will McKenzie
: Where in London? Jay Cartwright
: The Tower Of London. Will McKenzie
: What did you do after you fucked her? Cut her head off? Jay Cartwright
: She's already seen the crown jewels: my bellend.
: Bus Wankerrrrrrrrrs! Simon
: What did I just say? Oh Christ, Jay. Will
: Oh no. They're coming. Jay
: Shit! Drive! Simon
: Where? Where am I meant to drive to! Will
: Anywhere. Jay
: Oh shit. Simon
: [turns car onto pavement
: Anywhere. But. The. Pavement. Bus Stop Guy
: [Grabs Simon's throat
: Listen... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm really. Please. Bus Stop Guy
: Who's a wanker? Simon
: [still throttled
] I'm really sorry. Bus Stop Guy
: I'm a wanker am I? Simon
: I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Bus Stop Guy
: I'm a wanker, ye? Simon
: I'm sorry. Will
: He said he's sorry. He's really sorry. Bus Stop Guy
: [laughing and still throttling Simon while Simon shuts the car window
] I'd rather be a bus wanker than drive that lump of yellow shit! Simon
: ...You got me throttled!
] I had my own difficulties in the cock department; Rachel was sitting next to one.
: [Neil's dad Kevin comes home to find the four guys drunk
] Oh, piss off! Kevin Sutherland
: Don't talk to me like that in my own house! Will McKenzie
: Oh I'm so sorry, my manners. Piss off PLEASE! Kevin Sutherland
: I've had enough of your lip! Will McKenzie
: Oh you'd like my lip, wouldn't you? Right round your bell end!
[Will points to Kevin's friend
] Will McKenzie
: If Mr Chippy doesn't get there first! What's he gonna knock up, a closet for you to hide in? You... BUMDER!
: Please don't have a wank over my mum. Neil Sutherland
: I can't promise that, I'm afraid.
: You've lied to your mothers, bought alcohol illegally, abused Neil's dad, stole my suit, defaced the pavement outside Carli's! Am I missing anything? Will McKenzie
: We also hit a spastic with a frisbee.
: I need you to do something for me. Simon Cooper
: Okay. What is it? Will McKenzie
: Have a look at my cock. Simon Cooper
] Umm... Will McKenzie
: Not in a gay way. It's just that something's gone wrong. Simon Cooper
: I think looking at your cock at all is a bit gay. Will McKenzie
: Please. I'm serious. All my pubes have fallen out. Simon Cooper
: What? Will McKenzie
: I was asleep at school, and I must have had a wet dream because it was all sticky... Simon Cooper
: You spunked in the common room? Will McKenzie
: Yes, but listen. I went home to clean up, and all my pubes came out in the shower. Simon Cooper
] You spunked your pants in the common room during the day when there were people around? Will McKenzie
: [matter of factly
] Yes. Simon Cooper
: Then your pubes fell out. Will McKenzie
: Yes! Simon Cooper
: I think this is way out of my league.
: [after Simon's big moment in the fashion show goes wrong
] Why'd you even agree to wear it in the first place? Simon
: Carli told me to. Will
: Even with your whole sack covered, you'd look ridiculous. Speedos, DMs, Top Hat and a Leash? What Maniac designed that and thought "I know what's fashionable; dressing up as an upper class mental patient!"?
: Simon, if you survive and I don't, give this message to my mum: "Simon killed me."
: Not quite the outcome I'd hoped for. Neil's Dad imagining me naked.
: I've no interest in babes. Jay Cartwright
: That's handy, cos they've got no interest in you. Will McKenzie
: Ooh, Sorry. Who here has pulled Charlotte Hinchcliffe? Who? Huh? Me, That's who! Jay Cartwright
: She only did it for a bet! Will McKenzie
: That's not true. Simon Cooper
: Oh, God. Let's not get into all that again. Jay Cartwright
: It is true! Will McKenzie
: It's not fucking true! People don't get fingered for a bet, Jay. With the possible exception of your sister. Jay Cartwright
: Take that back! Will McKenzie
: Actually, I do take it back. But your mum on the other hand; she'd probably get fingered for a packet of biscuits. Neil Sutherland
: Oooh! Simon Cooper
: [mocking voice
] Oh no! Neil Sutherland
: [noticing Jay has shut up
] Now, I'm not one for making rash judgements, but to me, Fergus looked like a massive ginger bellend with a stupid car and I hated him.
: [grabs the microphone while high
] Hello. Hello everyone. Can somebody call me an ambulance because I'm in trouble. Time is moving really, really slowly and everything is flat. I need you to call me an ambulance, or failing that my mummy. I really want my mummy because I'm not being dramatic, I think I might be dead. Is that clear, Mummy or Ambulance?
[is helped off by security