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Quotes for
Sarge (Character)
from "Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles" (2003)

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"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Best Laid Plans (#3.1)" (2004)
Sarge: Why don't we try to find O'Malley?
Caboose: I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while. Maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roommates.
Sarge: Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left. And the carpet. And the drapes. And I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back, if you know what I mean.

Sarge: [Caboose is standing on Sarge's shoulders, looking into the Blue Team's base] What do you see?
Caboose: I see... A room.
Sarge: And? What's in the room?
Caboose: There are some walls... And some ceilings. Wait! Just one ceiling.
Sarge: What's makin' all that racket?
Blue Team: Kill the Reds! Kill the Reds! Kill the Reds! Kill the Reds! Kill the Reds!
Caboose: You are not going to like it.

Caboose: I know where you can find O'Malley. He lived inside my helmet for a while, maybe he left an address to send his mail. We were like roomates.
Sarge: Sounds like he took some of the furniture when he left. And the carpet. And the drapes. And I wouldn't expect to get that deposit back, if you know what I mean.

Caboose: Sergeant! Look! A sleeping person!
Sarge: What? Holy Macaroon.
[Checks out the dead person]
Sarge: He's not sleeping, son, he's dead.
Caboose: Oh good. At first, I thought that was me because I am blue and I like to sleep. But if he is dead, that cannot be me. That would be silly.

Sarge: Get over here! Give me a boost!
Caboose: Okay...
[walks up close to Sarge]
Caboose: You... are a good person. And people say... nice things about you.
Sarge: Not a morale boost, moron, a physical one. I need to see what's in that window.
Caboose: That window is very high. I don't think you are tall enough.
Sarge: I know. I need you to help me look through it.
Caboose: I don't think I am tall enough either. Also, my head is *round*, that window is *square*.

Sarge: What do you see?
Caboose: I see, a room.
Sarge: And? What's in the room?
Caboose: There are some walls, and some ceilings. Wait, only one ceiling.

Sarge: Hello? Is anyone okay? Are there any survivors... preferably any red survivors? Don't let that discourage you from speaking up if you're blue. I won't step on your neck or anything like that.
Caboose: Am I allowed to answer?

Caboose: I just... need to... get angry... and say... mean things... like... uh, your... brain... is... a... mountain... of... hatred.
Sarge: I never thought I'd reach the moment in my life when I actually missed Grif, but here it is.

Sarge: Once again I find myself torn. On the one hand, there's one less blue in the Universe. But now Doc's got a bigger body count than me! And that just won't do. No sir.

Sarge: [Trumpet playing is heard in the distance] Shh, quiet. Do you hear that?
Caboose: Yes, that noise is called water. It is very wet, and very sloshy...
Sarge: I was talkin' about the trumpet, bluetard!


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Visiting Old Friends (#3.2)" (2004)
[after Sarge and Caboose's last attempt to get the Battle Creek Red and Blue grunts to listen to them has failed]
Caboose: Wait. I can make them listen. I... can... *beat* them.
Sarge: Son, what are you talkin' about?
Caboose: O'Malley taught me how to be mean.
[struggles to concentrate]
Caboose: I... just... have... to... concentrate... on, bad... things! Like *milk*... no wait, red... *Red Bull*!
Sarge: Son, I think you've really lost it. O'Malley's not in your head any more, he infected the Doc!
Caboose: No, I can feel him. I just need to... get angry, and *say mean things*, like... uh... *Your brain is a mountain of hatred!*
Sarge: I never thought I'd reach the moment in my life when I actually missed Grif... but here it is.
Caboose: [now speaking in a very stilted, halting cadence, straining even more] Now, I am... thinking... about... kittens! Guh, *kit-tens*... covered... in... spikes. That makes... me... *angry!*
[begins to convulse and yell]
Caboose: [Caboose completely loses all self-control and then jumps off the cliff. An overly dramatic upshot of Caboose jumping down from the cliff, in slow motion. Caboose is yelling in a slowed-down, guttural yell, then lands on his feet, shaking the ground. The Reds and Blue grunts stop fighting and stare incredulously at Caboose]
Caboose: [in a deep gruff evil voice] My name is Michael J. Caboose, and I... hate... *babies*!

[Simmons has just barely fixed the teleporter in time]
Sarge: Simmons, you get an F in efficiency, but I have to give you an A+ in dramatic timing.

Caboose: [after the angered Caboose's rampage on the Battle Creek Reds and Blue grunts, with Sarge and Caboose ready to hop through a teleporter] Your toast has been burned, and *no* amount of scraping will remove the black parts!
Sarge: Oh, shut up, Caboose.

Caboose: I have a plan, Sergeant, but we will have to move quick. Listen: whisper, whisper, whisper. Do you think that will work?
Sarge: That's your plan? All you said was, "Whisper, whisper, whisper."
Caboose: I know. I just wanted to be the one with the plan for once.

Sarge: Hurry up, Simmons.
Simmons: Just give me a few more seconds over here, Sarge.
Sarge: We don't have a few more seconds!
Simmons: Stop pressuring me! I rely on you for love and support!


Red vs. Blue: Reconstruction (2008) (V)
Pvt. Luke Kay: Who the hell is this guy?
Sarge: Oh what is this- insubordination? Hi-yah!
[knocks out Pvt. Kay]

Pvt. Luke Kay: Does this mean we get a new Sergeant now? Awesome! Cause this one sucks!
[knocked out by Sarge]
Sarge: Never talk that way about a superior!
Sgt. Dexter Grif: Did Sarge just call me a superior?

Pvt. Dick Simmons: The other Freelancers never gave orders, they just offered to trade favors.
Agent Washington: Okay, then let's bargain. What do you want?
Sgt. Dexter Grif: [conferencing] Three words guys:...
Sarge: New base...
Sgt. Dexter Grif: ...gold-plated vagina.
Pvt. Dick Simmons: Shut up.
Sarge: Lasers.
Pvt. Dick Simmons: Always with that.
Sgt. Dexter Grif: Nudie mags.
Sarge: Robots and lasers. Lasers, and robots.
Sgt. Dexter Grif: Milkshake.
Sarge: All right, we talked about it, and we figured out what we want.
Agent Washington: All right, let's have it.
Sarge: We want you to demote Grif.
Agent Washington: Done.
Pvt. Dexter Grif: *What?*
Pvt. Dick Simmons: Another wasted opportunity.
Agent Washington: Congratulations. You are now *Private* Grif again.
Sarge: Got anything lower?
Agent Washington: Private, *Junior* Grif?
Sarge: I was thinkin' something with an insulting adjective, or... maybe a demeaning adverb...
Agent Washington: How about Minor *Junior* Private Grif, negative first class?
Sarge: Heh heh, I like the way you think.
Mnr. Jr. Pvt. Dexter Grif, -1st Class: You realize you just doomed us to certain death just so you could insult me, right?
Sarge: Hey, if we do get killed at least we'll go out on a high note. Well, everybody but you. That's to be expected; you haven't had a high note in five years! Why break the goddamn streak?

Sarge: Simmons, keep firing. Don't let up!
Pvt. Dick Simmons: Yes, Sir!
Sgt. Dexter Grif: And get the grenades out there!
Pvt. Dick Simmons: Yes, Sirs!
Sarge: Grif, stop confusing everybody. I'm callin' the shots.
Sgt. Dexter Grif: We're the same rank now. I can do whatever I want.
Sarge: You're not qualified to lead in battle!
Sgt. Dexter Grif: *Qualified*? How hard could it be? Simmons, you're doing a terrible job, and you should try to win harder. I mean *try* harder. To win.
Sarge: That was awful.
Sgt. Dexter Grif: I learned it by watching you!
Pvt. Dick Simmons: Excuse me, Sir.
Sarge, Sgt. Dexter Grif: What?
Pvt. Dick Simmons: [sigh] Never mind.


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: K.I.T. B.F.F. (#2.19)" (2004)
Sarge: I love blood and violence! I've got a boner for murder!

Sarge: [Sarge introduces the special modifications he has made to the new robots] Check it out. Robot #2, codeword dirtbag.
Grif: [the robot beeps, then hits Grif] Ow! Hey!
Sarge: Heh heh heh. Pretty nifty, huh?
Simmons: That's awesome, sir! Let me try. Let me try. Codeword dirtbag!
Grif: Ow! OK fine. Two can play at this game. Codeword dirtbag!
[the robot beeps, then hits Grif]
Grif: Ah, son of a bitch.

Grif: [the Red and Blue teams call a truce] So now we're forced to work together? How ironic.
Simmons: No, that's not ironic! Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other!
Donut: No, ironic would be, if instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him.
Sarge: I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.
Caboose: I think it would be ironic if everyone was made of iron.

Sarge: Simmons, Grif, we're out of luck. Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die.
Grif: Wait! I think today is actually a good day to RETREAT. Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?
Simmons: Yeah... let's all take dying as an open-action item, and come back with suggestions next meeting.
Sarge: No! It has to be today. For our ancestors. YEAARRRRHH!
[charges]


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Red Gets a Delivery (#1.2)" (2003)
Sarge: Anyone... want to guess... why I gathered you here... today?
Grif: Uh, is it because the war's over and you're sending us home?
Sarge: That's exactly it, Private. War's over. We won. Turns out you're the big hero. We're gonna hold a parade in your honor. I get to drive the float. And Simmons here is in charge of confetti!
Grif: I'm no stranger to sarcasm, sir.

Sarge: May I introduce the our new light reconnaissance vehicle! It has four-inch armour plating, mag bumper suspension, a mounted machine gunner position, and total seating for three. Gentlemen, this is the M12LRV! I like to call it the Warthog.
Simmons: Why Warthog, sir?
Sarge: Because "M12LRV' is too hard to say in conversation, son.
Grif: No, but... Why Warthog? I mean, it doesn't really look like a pig.
Sarge: Say that again.
Grif: I think it looks more like a puma.
Sarge: What in Sam Hell is a puma?
Simmons: You mean like the shoe company?
Grif: No. Like a puma. It's a big cat. Like a lion.
Sarge: You're makin' that up.
Grif: I'm telling you, it's a real animal.
Sarge: Simmons, I want you to poison Grif's next meal.
Simmons: Yes, sir!
Sarge: [Points at front of the Warthog] Look, see these two tailhooks? They look like tusks. And what kind of animal has tusks?
Grif: A walrus.
Sarge: Didn't I just tell you to stop makin' up animals?

Sarge: Hey, Simmons. What's the name of that Mexican lizard? Eats all the goats?
Simmons: Uh, that would be the Chupacabra, sir
Sarge: Hey, Grif. Chupa-thingy, how 'bout that?


Red vs. Blue: Revelation (2010) (V)
Pvt. Dick Simmons: Oh, no! Grif!
Sgt. Dexter Grif: Yipe!
[Tex pulls the trigger on Sarge's shotgun, pointed at Grif's face, but it clicks empty]
Sarge: Private Grif! You should be ashamed of yourself! We've run out of ammo again! That's *your* responsibility!
Sgt. Dexter Grif: Huh, I guess this is the first time my laziness has saved my... oof!
[Tex steps on Grif's stomach and he picks up a traffic cone]
Sgt. Dexter Grif: Protect me, cone!

Sarge: That was the worst driving of all time.
Sgt. Dexter Grif: Because that wasn't driving, that was flying and burning!
Sarge: Touche.


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Two for One (#4.19)" (2006)
Sarge: Yep, hand to hand combat is the old school way to kill your foes. It dates back to the honored tradition when combatants respected one another. Killing a man with your bare hands says, "We're all equals as men, except I'm slightly more equal cause I'm still alive and your dead." Of course dropping a nuke them for 50,000 ft is also totally acceptable. I mean lets face it. There's just not enough time in this busy world to show everyone the courtesy of a good strangling.
Grif: See, that right there is why society is going right down hill. Everyone's in such a hurry these days.

Sarge: Hey Caboose! You hear something behind you!
Caboose: I do? I wonder what's causing it.
Sarge: Double yoink!


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Hunting Time (#4.2)" (2005)
Simmons: [responding to Donut's time travel theory] Donut, that's not how time travel works. We don't leave copies of ourselves behind! And even if we did, they'd all be eight hundred years old! They'd all be DEAD by now.
Donut: Speak for yourself! I could live to be eight hundred. I'm on this AWESOME diet!
Sarge: Still doing that high-fat, low-fiber liquid diet where you drink nothing but bacon grease?
Donut: Nah, that was just a fad.
Sarge: What's the new one?
Donut: I only eat foods that begin with vowels!
Simmons: That's sounds really hard! What did you have for breakfast?
Donut: Eggs and Oreos! And for lunch I'm having asparagus... and Oreos!
Grif: Holy crap! I've been on that diet for years! I had no IDEA I was so healthy! I even cut out all the eggs! And I don't even KNOW what asparagus is.

Sarge: No, were going out of turn!
Donut: I thought I went after Simmons.
Sarge: No! We go in line. It goes you, then me, then Simmons, then back down to me then you then me then me then Simmons then me then me then Simmons me me Simmons you Simmons me me me Simmons you me then me again. It makes perfect sense.
Simmons: But doesn't that mean you go twice as much? Or... ten times as much?
Grif: Ow!
Sarge: This is the best game since Grif ball.
Grif: I'm not comin' down!
Sarge: Hey Grif! Move back and forth like one of those ducks at the carnival. No! Don't duck, that makes you harder to hit! *Act* like a duck.
Simmons: Wait a minute, that was my turn.
Sarge: This is the lightning round.
Simmons: Who's in the lightning round?
Sarge: Me.


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: It's a Biological Fact (#3.9)" (2005)
Sarge: No no, what're you doin'? Don't lift with your legs, your back is the strongest muscle in your body. And look man, your knees aren't even locked. How do you expect to stand up straight? C'mon, put your groin into it! And stop exhaling on every lift, the goal is to hold your breath as long as possible. Under stress, the body produce all the oxygen it needs!

Tex: [the Reds and Blues have just rendezvoused with Tex at Zansibar] What took you guys so long to get here?
Simmons: There's six of us, and this is only a three-seater jeep. Half of us had to sit on someone else's lap.
Donut: [enthusiastically] It was a great road trip! My favorite part was when Grif tried to change gears, and he accidentally...
Grif: [disgusted sigh] Ugh, *please*, let's not tell this story. Is there somewhere I can wash my hands?
Sarge: What'd you find, Tex?
Tex: Well, O'Malley's holed up in his fortress. He's been fortifying his defenses for a few days, now. And he's got some help. One of those religious nuts you guys picked up.
Caboose: [excited] Oh, I liked them. They were funny.
Tucker: Caboose, they tried to kill you because of a *flag*.
Caboose: I try not to remember the bad things about people.
Tucker: That's *all* they tried to do! There *were* no good things!
Caboose: That's okay. I have a really bad memory - wow, look, a beach!
Sarge: Shut up, Caboose.


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: The Last Episode Ever" (2004)
[Sarge has escaped after Grif buried him alive]
Grif: But how the hell did you get outta there? I tied you up and poured concrete over the grave! Just in case you turned in to a zombie.
Sarge: Yes, but you made one crucial mistake: you left me my spoon.
Grif: NO!

Grif: [after Sarge and Simmons apparently died, and Sarge apparently came back to life] Sarge? But we thought you were dead!
Sarge: No, I was merely napping.
Grif: But we buried you six feet in the ground, and tied you up and filled your tomb with cement, you know, in case you became a zombie.
Sarge: Yes, but you made one crucial mistake, you left me my spoon.
Grif: No!
Sarge: That's right, I ate my way out! The soft dirt was like a delicious butterscotch brownie to me.


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Hello My Name is Andrew (#3.16)" (2005)
Sarge: [about mystery distress call] Simmons, have you tracked the source?
Simmons: Well, sir, all I can tell is the direction. I have *no* idea how far it is.
Sarge: Why not? I thought you were our unofficial science officer.
Simmons: That just means I'm smart. You want me to multiply two big numbers in my head... that I can do. But I can't measure radio signals with *no equipment*.
Grif: What's 32 times 56?
Simmons: 31,452.
Sarge: Is that right?
Simmons: Yes.
Sarge: That's pretty impressive.

Sarge: Thanks for meeting me on such short notice, and so covertly.
Grif: No problem. I had to move my lunch with the Pope, but he was cool with it. He owes me. I helped him pick the hat.
Simmons: Shut up.


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Red vs Bleu (#2.3)" (2004)
[the Reds and Blues negotiate a unique terms of surrender, in which the Blues will send over the Medic, Frank Dufresne, in exchange for Grif, on behalf of the Reds, declaring how much he sucks]
Sarge: Get on with it, Grif.
Grif: [exasperated sigh] I would just like to let everyone know that I suck.
Church: And?
Grif: [with heavy hesitation] And that I'm a girl.
Church: What else?
Grif: [in a hesitant tone] And I like ribbons in my hair, and I want to kiss all the *boys*.
Sarge: This may be the best surrender of all time.

Sarge: I only drink the blood of my enemies... and occasionally a Strawberry Yoohoo... or Sarsaparilla... Grenadine, straight from the can, dee-licious... Oh, occasionally I do enjoy a Sex On The Beach or a Pina Colada.
[sings]
Sarge: If you like Pina Coladas / and getting caught in the rain / If you're not into yoga / Grif just has half a brain.


Red vs. Blue: Recreation (2009) (V)
Sarge: Today is a good day for you to die!


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Roaming Charges (#3.11)" (2005)
Sarge: Tex, this is Sarge. Do not detonate the bomb.
Tex: I don't have a detonator, it's on a timer.
Grif: A countdown timer?
Tex: No, a count up timer. It goes from one, to explode. Of course a countdown timer, you idiot!


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Let's Get Together (#3.3)" (2004)
Voice on radio: Man, I hate this. This sucks.
Caboose: It's Church!
Voice on radio: I just wanna lay around and do nothing.
Sarge: I think it's Grif!
Voice on radio: Right after I take this nice, warm, bubble-bath.
Sarge, Simmons: Donut.


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Silver Linings (#3.12)" (2005)
Tucker: What if we just beat on these window shutters together, we can get 'em open.
Sarge: No, that would be the coward's way out. Fruitlessly trying to escape instead of accepting your own fate!
Tucker: But I can see daylight!
Sarge: It's true. Only a miracle can save us now.


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: An Audience of Dumb (#2.14)" (2004)
Sarge: [Lopez is singing - badly] What in Betty's bloomers is on the radio NOW? It sounds like the feral cry of a retarded Mexican Sasquatch!


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: How the Other Half Lives (#1.15)" (2003)
[the Sarge is back into the real world and finds Simmons and Grif]
Sarge: What... what happened here?
Simmons: Sir, you got shot in the head, so we gave you CPR and saved you, sir.
Grif: I always believed in you, Simmons.
Simmons: Uh, actually, it's Grif you should thank, sir. He did all the work.
Sarge: Grif?
Simmons: Yes, sir.
Sarge: Grif, why in hell would you give somebody CPR for a bullet wound in the head? That doesn't make a lick of sense.
Grif: [sighs] You're welcome, sir.
Sarge: I mean it's all so damn inconsistent. What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe, rub my neck with aloe vera? Hey there Grif! I think I feel an aneurism comin' on. Could you help me out with one of them therapeutic massages? Use your fingers, not your knuckles. That there, that's good. Lower back. Yeah, I can feel that working already. Don't be afraid to go too low. Oh, yeah, shee-atsu.


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Last One Out, Hit the Lights (#1.19)" (2003)
Grif: Where's Lopez going?
Sarge: To fight the enemy head on! Hand to hand combat. Mano y mano. What a brave little compadre. Lopez, I never understood a word you said, but I do know one thing: you ain't Grif, and that's the most important thing there is. Adios, amigo. Adios.
Simmons: Shouldn't we help him?
Sarge: Nah, that would just ruin the moment.


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Roomier Than It Looks (#1.14)" (2003)
Sarge: [being possessed by Church] Huagahguhgerk!


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: New Toys (#3.7)" (2004)
Sarge: We're fixing the jeep because we need to be prepared. Just as our enemies are no doubt preparing to attack us at this very moment.
Tucker: [posing in the jeep] But you guys think *I'm* your enemy and I'm not preparing to do anything. 'Cept get L-A-I-D.
[Everyone stares at him]
Tucker: Laid.
Grif: Yeah, we can spell. We just think that was fucking weak.


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Radar Love (#2.10)" (2004)
Grif: They've got a guy fixing their tank.
Sarge: Impossible! Our intelligence clearly states...
Donut: [interrupting] We have intelligence?


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Dealer Incentive (#2.18)" (2004)
[the Blues have Lopez and have delivered an ultimatum to Sarge and the mostly robotic Simmons]
Sarge: I'm torn between my intense distrust of the blue team and the need for the plans stored in my favorite robotic creation!
[beat]
Sarge: No offense, Simmons.
Simmons: None taken, sir! You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Grif!
Grif: [sobbing] I... I just can't take this, we're all going to *die*!


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Looking for Group (#4.8)" (2005)
Sarge: [after Sheila shoots the Red base] Sweet sodium chloride. There goes my chemistry set.


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Make Your Time (#3.5)" (2004)
Simmons: Hello, weary traveler, we represent The Timeline.
Sarge: I am The Past, where things cost less, and people knew the value of a hard day's work. But they only lived to be 28 years old.
Simmons: And I am The Future, where people have no morals and no emotions, but we have a bunch of kick-ass gadgets.
Grif: And I'm The Present, which sucks. We have nothing cool, and also no morals.
Donut: And I am The Helpful Narrator. A faceless voice used by poor writers.
Tucker: You have a face... I think...
Donut: Shut up, Audience! You're ruining my play! Everything was fine with The Timeline, until one day, in The Present.
Grif: Why does bad stuff always happen in The Present?
Donut: Because that's when people do stuff!
Sarge: Ah, quit yer bitchin'. I've got atrocities and a crapload of wars that seemed very important at the time, but now seem trivial and stupid.
Simmons: Yeah, well I've got Apocalypse. And that's way worse than anything you two dipshits have... Sorry, sir, that "dipshits" was in character.
Sarge: Oh. Well, bravo, Simmons.
Donut: One day, in The Present, a terrible thing happened.
Caboose: Enters stage left.
Caboose: [enters stage left] Hello, I am Stupid Private Tucker. I am going to set off a big bomb now, and totally mess things up for everyone! Because I am stupid!
Caboose: Turns around.
Caboose: [turns around] Hello, Present, I am going to set off a bomb in you.
Grif: Don't do that, Stupid Private Tucker, that might kill me!
Caboose: Thinks about this... for a moment.
Donut: [as Caboose thinks about this for a moment] Caboose, stop reading your stage directions!
Caboose: You said I was supposed to read anything with my name in front of it!
Donut: Just the lines, not the blockings. You're ruining my big debut!
Caboose: I do not think we are meshing artistically. I think you should talk to my agent.
Grif: This is stupid, I quit.
Donut: You *can't* quit! End scene. This has been a Franklin Donut joint.


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Down, But Not Out (#1.12)" (2003)
[a plasma grenade exploded on Donut's head]
Simmons: Sarge, we need to get Donut airlifted out of here.
Sarge: Could you put that in a memo and entitle it "Shit I Already Know'?


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Heavy Metal (#3.10)" (2005)
Sarge: OK, listen up, scumbags. If we're gonna invade this fortress, we need a good game plan. Now, I have two options we can use. Number one, we run at the base in a single fine line, screaming at the top of our lungs! The enemy will be so flabbergasted, by the time they have a chance to regroup, we'll already be inside.
Tucker: Oh, yeah, right. They're not going to get surprised, they're just going to start mowing us down.
Sarge: That is the inherent beauty of the single file line. They can only kill the person in front. So if we order from least important to most important, with Tucker being in the front and me being in the back, then we just might make it through.
Simmons: Don't you think that Caboose should be in the back, since he's the one carrying the bomb?
Sarge: No, Caboose is in front of me. We need someone in back who can objectively evaluate how the plan is working.
Tucker: How are you going to know if the plan isn't working?
Sarge: If Caboose dies, I'll know we're in trouble, and immediately abort.
Caboose: I think that's a good plan.
Grif: Sarge, while that's the most retarded idea I've ever heard, I just wanted to thank you for not putting me in front of the line.
Sarge: Don't get misty, Francine. We'll have already killed you and used your corpse to jam up the windmill! I think we can all agree, given our current situation, it's the perfect plan.
[silence]
Sarge: OK, well let me tell you about my other plan. Using parts from the warthog...
Grif: [to Tex] I'm hoping you've got a better idea.
Sarge: ...We'll make what I like to call, "The Grif Cannon."
Grif: Oh, man...
Sarge: Utilizing the power of the Grif Cannon, we make a Grif-sized hole in the outer wall!... or we paint it a very disgusting color.


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Everything Old Is New Again (#2.1)" (2004)
Donut: [shoots at the Blues]
Sarge: Nice shot, cupcake!


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Last Words (#2.6)" (2004)
Simmons: Hey, Doc, although I'm sure Sarge enjoys having his spine pulverized into dust, maybe you should go ahead and back up the Warthog.
Frank DuFresne: Oh... right. Sorry.
[Accidentally accelerates, Smashes Sarge]
Sarge: Oww! Hot buttered lugnuts!
Frank DuFresne: Oooh, jeez, I'm really sorry. I just was in the wrong gear. Lemme just...
[smashes Sarge again]
Sarge: Doh! Jeez, there goes my last kidney! I was savin' that one for a special occasion!
Frank DuFresne: Third time's a charm?
Simmons: I don't think so, Poindexter! Outta the jeep, now!
Frank DuFresne: I'm really sorry guys. I was only trying to help. Really!
Grif: [Sarcastically] Oh is that all? I for one was totally confused. I thought you were savagely trying to kill our sergeant by ramming him over and over with a 6000 pound steel death machine! Now that we know you're just trying to help, by all means, please continue!
Frank DuFresne: [pause] ... Really?
Simmons, Grif: Get Out!


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Familiar Surroundings (#4.1)" (2005)
Grif: [continuous screaming] Nooooooooooo!
Sarge: [sighs] Go up there and get 'im, Simmons.
Donut: If he keeps screaming like that, he's gonna pass out and fall off the cliff!
Sarge: Cancel that order, Simmons!
Grif: [still screaming] Nooooooooooo!
Sarge: Donut, get me a sniper rifle.
Donut: Yes, sir!


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: A Slightly Crueler Cruller (#1.16)" (2003)
[Sarge is installing a voice chip into Lopez, who moments before was revealed to be, in fact, a robot]
Simmons: Hey, sir, you really should ground yourself before handling that card.
Sarge: How come?
Simmons: Because static could damage the card.
Sarge: C'mon. That's an urban legend used to sell those stupid bracelets. And I suppose pop rocks and soda are going to make my stomach blow up!
[a flash of light from the back of Lopez comes from within, with an electrical noise]
Sarge: Yeaow!
Simmons: Sir! I won't say I told you so, sir!


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: What's Mine Is Yours (#2.16)" (2004)
Sarge: Actually, the problem is with Lopez!
Grif: Don't tell me. The Consulate General from Spanishland is coming, and without Lopez we don't have anyone to translate.
Simmons: There's no such thing as "Spanishland", you retard...
Grif: Yes, there is. They have those, um, waterslides... and all that salsa!
Simmons: No... they don't.
Grif: Well... I guess you would know.
Simmons: What's that supposed to mean?... FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M DUTCH-IRISH!
Grif: Hey, don't let your fiery Latin temper get out of control. I was just trying to make a point.


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: Sneaking In (#4.13)" (2005)
Donut: And that's how I rescued you, and saved the day! The end! Any questions?
Grif: Donut, that was the longest story I have heard in my LIFE. And I don't think I believed a word of it!
Sarge: And quite frankly, I found the show tune in the middle to be a little over-the-top.
Donut: Every word is 100% true! It was the best military operation you two ever slept through!
Grif: Well, if everything went so well, where's our jeep?
Donut: I have a song I'd like to sing about that!
Grif: NEVER MIND.


"Red vs. Blue: The Blood Gulch Chronicles: The Storm (#3.19)" (2005)
Simmons: Just a little further, guys.
Sarge: You stole that thing all by yourself?
Donut: Yep, and then I ran over the guy that was chasing us. And a few other innocent pedestrians.
Sarge: I'm so proud of you.
Donut: Yeah, stealing and killing are a huge rush. I wish I'd started at a much younger age. I caught the fever!
Simmons: Okay, the source for the distress signal is right outside this... crap!
Grif: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
[the camera zooms out to reveal Blood Gulch]
Grif: This sucks.