Merton J. Dingle
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Quotes for
Merton J. Dingle (Character)
from "Big Wolf on Campus" (1999)

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"Big Wolf on Campus: Witch College (#1.5)" (1999)
Merton J. Dingle: It says, uh, Tri-Chi formed their own coven in 1790. A coven that practices black magic.
Tommy Dawkins: Black magic? Well, that sounds bad.
Merton J. Dingle: Yeah. Tres bad. Fairuza Balk in The Craft bad! Tommy, black wiccas are hedonistic pagans known for their demonic rituals! And their also renowned for their... blue ribbon fruit pies?
Tommy Dawkins: I can't believe this. I actually brought Stacy to a bunch of evil witches just so we could go to the same college.
Merton J. Dingle: Tommy, we gotta get Stacey out of the clutches of this dark sisterhood soon before it's game over!

Tommy Dawkins: Stacey's a witch? I can't date a witch.
Merton J. Dingle: Tommy, you're a werewolf. I mean, I'm no Chuck Woolery, but kinda seems like the Halloween episode of Love Connection.
Tommy Dawkins: Oh, come on, Merton. What are we gonna do?
Merton J. Dingle: Relax, Tommy. You know. Don't go all Salem Witch Trial on Stacey just yet. Remember, there's just as many good witches out there as bad ones.
Tommy Dawkins: Okay. Okay, okay. I'm listening, I'm listening.
Merton J. Dingle: Think Casper's friend Wendy. Or Tabitha from Bewitched with that cute little wiggly nose.

Merton J. Dingle: I'd like to amend my original hypothesis. They're not robots, they're witches!

"Big Wolf on Campus: Hello Nasty (#2.1)" (2000)
Merton J. Dingle: Oh, yeah! It's a ghost! A noncorporeal, partially photosensitive plane-hopper.
[to Lori, holding a Yoohoo chocolate drink]
Merton J. Dingle: Yoohoo?
Thomas P. 'Tommy' Dawkins: Oh, come on, Merton. We gotta send a ghost up to the big football field in the sky! Now how are we gonna do it?
Merton J. Dingle: Hold on, Tommy. Okay? Just 'cause he looks nasty doesn't necessarily mean he's evil. I mean, Bronco may be like one of the ghosts in The Sixth Sense, featuring Bruce Willis playing against type as a pensive child psychologist.
Lori Baxter: Well, what happened?
Merton J. Dingle: Well, after Die Hard, it was hard for Willis to shake his blue collar appeal.
Thomas P. 'Tommy' Dawkins: What happened in the movie.
[to Lori]
Thomas P. 'Tommy' Dawkins: He does this all the time.
Merton J. Dingle: Well, a boy is plagued by horrific-looking ghosts, and he's scared of them, like you are, but then he realizes he just has to fix a problem they had before they died.

Merton J. Dingle: [tries to open a Yoohoo bottle and fails] Come on, bottle! This thing cannot be opened!
[Lori takes bottle and opens it easily]
Merton J. Dingle: For the record I loosened that.

"Big Wolf on Campus: The Pleasantville Strangler (#1.6)" (1999)
Merton: Come get us, you two-timing, cross-dressing, Jack Ripper-wannabe!
Tommy: Hey, you're pretty good at that.
Merton: Yeah, I've been insulted a lot.