Burt Reynolds
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Quotes for
Burt Reynolds (Character)
from "Saturday Night Live" (1975)

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"Saturday Night Live: Norm Macdonald/Dr. Dre & Snoop Dogg (#25.3)" (1999)
Alex Trebek: [Burt Reynolds has changed his name to "Turd Ferguson"] Okay, Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds: That's not my name.
Alex Trebek: Okay, "Turd Ferguson".
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, whaddaya want?
Alex Trebek: You buzzed in!
Burt Reynolds: No, I didn't.
Alex Trebek: Yes, you did.
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, well, that's your opinion.

Alex Trebek: Ok, let's move on to Final Jeopardy, and the category is, you know what, I tell you what, just write a number. Any number and you win.
[Final Jeopardy theme kicks in]
Alex Trebek: We'll accept any number, any number at all,
[French Stewart writes]
Alex Trebek: it could be a 1, or a 2,
[Burt Reynolds adjusts his hat and suit]
Alex Trebek: or a 3, or how about a 4? It's that simple, I know you can do this
[Sean Connery writes and counts his fingers]
Alex Trebek: Let's start with French Stewart, who's grinning like an idiot. You look pretty sure of yourself, think you've got the right answer?
French Stewart: Yes, I'm pretty sure of it Alex.
Alex Trebek: Well, all you had to do was write a number, and you wrote..."Threeve". Combination of three and five, simply stunning. And you wagered... Texas with a dollar sign in front of it. I'm speechless
French Stewart: No I did not get the answers from anyone else,it all came from Mr. Stewart's noggin up here
[points to his head]
French Stewart: .
Alex Trebek: That's beautiful. Mr. Reynolds?
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, Don't bother, I didn't write anything.
Alex Trebek: Good work, all right. Finally, Mr. Connery, the category was "Numbers", and you wrote
[board reveals a letter v]
Alex Trebek: A Letter V. Well, I tell you what my friend, V is a Roman Numeral, so despite your best efforts, you answered correctly. Let's see what you wagered...
Alex Trebek: [board reveals V to be part of "K" in "Suck it Trebek"] Suck it Trebek...
Sean Connery: [Connery breaks into wild laughter] Hahahahahaha!
Alex Trebek: That's all the time we have... Good night...
[Burt Reynolds puts an oversized hat on Trebek]

Burt Reynolds: That was a funny dog, Scooby-Doo. He rode around in a van and solved mysteries.
Alex Trebek: That is incorrect.
Burt Reynolds: No, it's correct. He had a pal Scrappy.

"Archer: The Man from Jupiter (#3.4)" (2012)
Burt Reynolds: You're kidding me...
Sterling Archer: I know... drives me nuts... like the world's slowest elevator.
Burt Reynolds: You should get a bat-pole.
Sterling Archer: Nine thousand bucks.
Burt Reynolds: What?
Sterling Archer: Lowest quote I got.
Burt Reynolds: Well that's ridiculous.
Sterling Archer: Basically just putting a pole where the garbage chute already is, but the co-op board was like "but what do we do with the garbage?"
Burt Reynolds: Yeah but you could still throw it down the... whatever... the same shaft.
Sterling Archer: I know!
Burt Reynolds: And then you'll have some garbage to land on.
Sterling Archer: If you're coming in hot, I know. It's a win-win.
Burt Reynolds: And you were gonna pay for it yourself...
Sterling Archer: Yep.
Burt Reynolds: No assessment or anything.
Sterling Archer: Yep.
Burt Reynolds: Ridiculous.
Sterling Archer: Preaching to the choir buddy.

[while being chased by the cops at high speed]
Burt Reynolds: Whoa! Now it's officially a chase.
Sterling Archer: Hooray.
Burt Reynolds: You know what your problem is?
Sterling Archer: My pants are wet?
Burt Reynolds: You only see your mother as your mother. But she's also a person. She has hopes, and dreams, and fears, and needs...
Sterling Archer: Don't make it weirder!
Burt Reynolds: Not sexual needs! Well, maybe those too, but personal. Professional. All that stuff that makes a person who they are. And until you -
[a police car pulls up next to them]
Burt Reynolds: Oops. Hang on!
[he sideswipes the police car, sending it flying and landing upside-down on top of another]
Sterling Archer: Holy shit! BURT REYNOLDS!
Burt Reynolds: Hey, if you just pay attention, you might just learn something here.
Sterling Archer: I'm sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of my giant throbbing erection!
[Burt brakes hard, causing Archer to slam his face on the dashboard]
Sterling Archer: OW!
Burt Reynolds: How 'bout now?
Sterling Archer: It's gone. I'm all ears.
Burt Reynolds: Good, because my point is - oh, wait, wait, you're gonna wanna see this!
Sterling Archer: See wh -
[he looks ahead; the car is speeding towards a very narrow alley]
Sterling Archer: No! BURT, NOOO!
[Burt laughs]
Sterling Archer: Please don't do this!
[the car hits a curb, flipping it sideways onto two tires]
Sterling Archer: OH, SHIIIIIIIIT!
[Burt slides the car perfectly down the alley and out the other side while the police cars pile up at the entrance]
Sterling Archer: My pants are now literally wet.
Burt Reynolds: And my point is, until you can look at your mother and see her not just as your mother, but as a person - a real person - you can't grow up.
Sterling Archer: Huh.
Burt Reynolds: Food for thought. And if I were you, I'd come to terms with that, because I plan on seeing a lot of her. Oh, uh... by "a lot of her," I mean...
Sterling Archer: I get it! But I guess you're outta luck, because we had a...
[Burt points; Krieger's van and the Cuban hit squad are straight ahead]
Sterling Archer: ... bet. Goddamn it.
Burt Reynolds: Now whaddya say we have some fun?
Sterling Archer: [holding up his pistols] Whatever.

"The Golden Girls: Ladies of the Evening (#2.2)" (1986)
Burt Reynolds: Hello.
[the girls are shocked to see Burt Reynolds at their door]
Burt Reynolds: Sophia around?
Sophia Petrillo: Oh, hi, Burt!
Burt Reynolds: How about a little lunch?
Sophia Petrillo: Listen, if you're buyin', how about a big lunch?
Burt Reynolds: Great.
Blanche Devereaux: My god. You're Mr. Burt Reynolds.
Burt Reynolds: I hope so. Otherwise, I got the wrong underwear on.
[to Sophia]
Burt Reynolds: These the roommates you told me about?
Sophia Petrillo: Yeah.
Burt Reynolds: Which one's the slut?
Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak, Blanche Devereaux, Rose Nylund: I am!