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Quotes for
Peter Kingdom (Character)
from "Kingdom" (2007)

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"Kingdom: Episode #1.2" (2007)
[talking to his dog]
Peter Kingdom: I've got some of those bacon-flavoured treats - you like those. As a matter of fact, you like them better than you like bacon, which is very 21st Century of you.

Lyle Anderson: Why aren't you in court with Miss Shevchenko?
Peter Kingdom: Because, my dear Lyle, in my experience the Law is something we lawyers should avoid at all cost. I can't stand the sight of blood. Courts are to lawyers what operating theatres are to doctors - best try other remedies first.

[Sidney Snell is showing Peter and Lyle some long wooden poles. Lyle is trying to guess what they are used for: he wonders whether you grow fruit trees up them]
Peter Kingdom: No, these are for dykes.
[Lyle sniggers, then wonders if Peter is being serious]
Lyle Anderson: [bewildered] What? Lesbian pole dancing?


"Kingdom: Episode #3.1" (2009)
[Simon had faked his own death in the past. This time he really is dead. Peter, Beatrice and Aunt Auriel are looking wistfully at his gravestone]
Beatrice Kingdom: Amazing to think he's actually down there this time.
Aunt Auriel: You were quite sure he was dead?
Peter Kingdom: Oh yes. As was the doctor. And the pathologist. And the undertaker.
Aunt Auriel: Always pays to be certain with Simon.


"Kingdom: Episode #3.2" (2009)
[a complicated pattern of crop circles has appeared in Geraldine's field. She is standing on a ladder to get a better view of it]
Geraldine: I can't seem to get high enough.
Peter Kingdom: Ah, well, therein lies the fatal flaw of our anonymous artist's masterpiece.
Lyle Anderson: Sorry?
Peter Kingdom: We're in Norfolk, Lyle. The flattest place in Britain. A place where wearing high heels gives an uncomfortable sensation of vertigo. How on earth is one supposed to admire this wonderful crop cirle without at least a hill from which to see it?


"Kingdom: Episode #2.6" (2008)
[Ted has phoned Peter to report that his hive of bees has been stolen and to ask Peter's professional advice]
Peter Kingdom: [on phone] Bees? How do you know they've been stolen? How do you know they haven't just... buzzed off? Go to the police, Ted - they deal with lost or stolen property. No, of course they won't laugh at you...
[he puts the phone down]
Peter Kingdom: ...not much they won't. Have you seen half a million bees loitering around on street corners? Obtaining honey with menaces?