Andy Richter
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Quotes for
Andy Richter (Character)
from "Andy Richter Controls the Universe" (2002)

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"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: Twins (#2.2)" (2002)
Andy: Look, I've got something to tell you. Ben has a twin, and they've been sharing you.
Jessica: Yeah, I know.
Andy: Yeah, but you don't understand. Ben is not always Ben, but sometimes his twin brother.
Jessica: Uh-huh.
Andy: Ok, sometimes two babies come out of a lady...
Jessica: Yeah, I know all about that. First, I had my doubts, but then I decided to bite Ben on the thigh. The next day, the mark wasn't there.
Andy: [thinking] So much simpler than my plan.
Jessica: So, anyway, I realized that Ben is an incredibly interesting and intelligent guy, but lame in the sack. But, his brother, who's a complete moron, is amazing in bed. So, if I have an incredibly amazing conversation with one of them, I fake a headache and go home. And, if I'm with a guy who can hardly put a sentence together, I give him a PowerBar and take him back to my place. As long as they don't know I know, I'm completely satisfied!
Andy: You're not like other girls, are ya?

Andy: [thinking] My plan was to tell Ben my grandmother's age, and make sure he remembered it. Then, I was going to bring it up the next time I see him. If he didn't remember her age, that means that he actually is sharing her with his twin.
[cut to a scene of Andy meeting Ben]
Andy: Hey, Ben! Or as my 84 year old grandmother would say, "Hey Ben, I'm 84." 84! That's so funny, me and Ben were just talking about how old my 84 year old grandmother is. She can barely walk, cuz she's 84.
[Ben leaves confused. Cut to a scene of Andy in a bar]
Andy: There he is he just walked in. Hey, Ben! Remember that day when we talked about my 84 year-old grand... Aww, crap.
Andy: There goes my dream of being a spy.

Andy: And, now, it's time to bring my plan to its wickedly delicious conclusion!... Ok, now I just sound gay.

Andy: I found the perfect guy for you.
Jessica: What's so great about him?
Andy: You didn't choose him.
Jessica: That's definitely good.

Andy: [thinking] This is Mr. Pickering, the man who started this company, in the 19th century.
Mr. Pickering: Well, it seems you've gotten yourself into another predicament.
Andy: You know, there are pills I could take that would make me stop talking to you.

Andy: Morning. What's that smell?
Byron Togler: Does it smell like a crab died in yoghurt? Because then it might be my back

Andy: [Jessica comes up to Andy and kisses him on the cheek] Ow!
Jessica: What do you say ow for, I kissed you!
Andy: Hard!
Keith Richards: You okay, man?

Andy: Wait, Ben has a twin? Are they identical?
Byron Togler: To each other? Absolutely. To other sets of twins? I doubt it.

Andy: Listen, have Jessica and that so called Ben showed up yet?
Keith Richards: I don't know. Let me check the bottom of this glass.
[empties his glass in one gulp]
Keith Richards: Nope, not there.

Mr. Pickering: I love the fair sex. But science tells us it degrades their femininity if they're allowed to read or own money or leave the house or call for help...
Andy: You know, there are pills I could take that would make you stop talking to me.

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: We're All the Same, Only Different (#2.1)" (2002)
Andy: Hey, I didn't see any coffee.
Jessica: [throws the hot coffee in his face] See it now?
[Andy screams in pain]
Jessica: It's working, you're suddenly more sensitive!

Jessica: Since this place is already packed with white guys, I think they're going to hire... what's the politically correct term?
Andy: Another white guy?

Andy: Life was great... until it immediately turned to crap.

Andy: Okay, smart guy. Jackie says she wants to celebrate our differences.
Byron: That sounds good.
Andy: But you said that we're not supposed to see our differences.
Byron: We really shouldn't.
Andy: How are we supposed to celebrate them if we can't see them?
Byron: Well, I guess you're just going to have to ignore as well as celebrate what makes Jackie exactly the same and completely different from everyone else.

Jessica Green: All of these resumes are impressive.
Andy Richter: You know, eh, Ted has five years experience and he's been black his whole live, which has not been easy in such a racist society.
Wendy McKay: My candidate's a woman from Saudi Arabia. She watched as her mother was stoned to death for driving a car. A bumper car.
Byron Togler: You know, I know that we're trying to do a good thing, but I think that it's terrible putting people in racial catagories like this.
Andy Richter: Let me guess, your guy is white?
Byron Togler: No. My blind guy is white.
Keith Richards: I found a one armed, gay, native American little person.
Wendy McKay: Are you kidding me?
Keith Richards: Unfortunately he wasn't a technical writer. He just wanted to meet another one armed, gay, native American little person. Anybody knows anybody?

Andy Richter: Ted! What are you doing here?
Ted Swathmore: I got the job Andy, on your recommendation. Thanks a lot, pal!
Andy Richter: Really, that's fantastic! Well, what happened to Wendy's woman?
Jessica Green: Apparently she went back to Saudi Arabia and was stoned to death for having luggage with wheels.
Byron Togler: Okay, that country has way too many rocks lying around.

Lori: Eh, Andy, I, I have an extra ticket to see Riverdance this weekend. You know, that really exciting dancing where they're dead from the waist up?
Andy Richter: The only way I'd go see Riverdance is if they were actually dancing in a river.

Jackie: Andy?
Andy Richter: Yeah?
Jackie: What's your favorite color, bird, state, Olson twin and green leavy vegetable?
Andy Richter: Blue, swan, Hawaii, Ashley, Swiss Char.
Jackie: That's my favorite color, bird, state, Olson twin and green leavy vegetable too! Gosh, nobody ever says Swiss Char.
Andy Richter: We did.

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: Bully the Kid (#2.9)" (2003)
Andy Richter: [narrating] It was a day like any other day and Byron and I were hard at work writing a manual for the Im-Pickering industries Jet Pack. When suddenly:
Keith Richards: Hey, you guys wanna go see a movie tonight?
Andy Richter: [still narrating] Then, without warning, Byron shocked us with a startling revelation:
Byron Togler: No, I can't.
Andy Richter: [resumes narrating] Next, he rocked our world with something so unbelievable, no sane person could have predicted it:
Byron Togler: There's a 'Taxi' Marathon on TV tonight that I really wanna watch.

Keith Richards: That's an interesting story. You know, I was briefly married to Daryl Hannah.
[Andy and Byron are speechless]
Keith Richards: Anyway, think about the movie.
Andy Richter: Let's never talk to him about anything ever again.

Wendy McKay: Come on, Jake-me-to-the-river, I think there are some popsicles left in the freezer.
[Wendy and Jake leave]
Andy Richter: No there aren't. It's just that same empty box that somebody is too lazy to throw out.
Byron Togler: I did not eat the last one!
Andy Richter: And yet you know that someone did!

Andy Richter: You know what that kid could use? A huge distinguishing scar. That would have really helped out yesterday.
[Jessica scowls at him]
Andy Richter: Maybe one of those metal claw hands...

Keith Richards: So you bagged Marilu Henner?
Andy Richter: Yes. And it was hot and steamy and everything that fan on celebrity sex should be.
Andy Richter: [narrating] Except for the part where she made me bark like a dog. And not a big strong dog, either, a yapping little rat dog.

Andy Richter: I gotta get Jake a jet pack.
Keith Richards: It's in the basement.
Andy Richter: Really, the basement? They have them in this building?
Keith Richards: They got a lot of things in this building you don't know about. Things you don't want to know about.
Andy Richter: I know there's a gym, look, will you get off me about that, I signed up!
Keith Richards: But you never go.
Andy Richter: I'm busy!
Byron Togler: You're not that busy.
Andy Richter: Guys, we're talking about a jet pack.
Keith Richards: Don't worry, I know the guy who runs the storage room, he'll get you one.
Andy Richter: Really? Well, that's great! How come you always know a guy?
Keith Richards: 'Cause I go to the gym.

Jessica Green: He's a twelve year old kid! If my sister finds out he saw a sex tape, she will beat me to death with one of her precious Bibles.
Andy Richter: Well I say we knock him around until he gives it back.
Jessica Green: So your plan is lose him, show him pornography, then beat him up.
Andy Richter: That's the Chicago way!

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: The Maid Man (#2.8)" (2003)
Andy: We were both interested in what things could do if they were other things.

Jessica Green: Do not ask her out.
Andy Richter: Why not?
Jessica Green: Because you're gonna go out a few times, then you'll break up. She'll feel hurt, you'll feel guilty and I'll feel dirty because no one will be cleaning my apartment.

Andy Richter: But I'm in love!
Andy Richter: No you're not.
Andy Richter: Why do you always disagree with me? If I said I'm not in love would you say 'yes, you are'?
Jessica Green: I don't know, let's try it.
Andy Richter: I'm not in love.
Jessica Green: I know. So leave her alone.

Andy Richter: I can't believe you fired Irina.
Jessica Green: She was having sex on my couch!
Andy Richter: We didn't plan to have sex on your couch, it just happened.
Byron Togler: Was it a leather couch? Because those things are basically asking for it.

Mr. Pickering: Good for you, my boy! Having your way with the help. They're bending over anyway, huh?
[chuckles wickedly]
Andy Richter: How did you stay out of prison when you were alive?

Andy Richter: I should've listened to you. What is my problem anyway?
Jessica Green: You just jump in a little too quickly sometimes.
Andy Richter: Yeah, why is that? I mean I do everything slowly: learning... working... returning videos...
[long pause]
Andy Richter: ... fleshing out analogies.

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: France (#2.3)" (2002)
Andy: [thinking] Once again, here's Mr. Pickering, the long-dead founder of this company.
Mr. Pickering: Ahh, wishing to go to France, aren't we? I know why you really want to go to France. It's because of their loose sexual laws. But, observing your physical qualities, I must say that it will only mean that you can do more things to yourself.

Andy: [narrating] It's raining. That's all you need to know so far.
Byron Togler: This is the wettest I've ever been.
Andy: You know, I've always wanted to hear someone say that. But not you.
Keith Richards: Hi, fellows.
Andy: How come you're not wet?
Keith Richards: I don't believe in getting wet.
Byron Togler: How come you're so tanned?
Keith Richards: I believe in getting tanned.

Andy: [narrating] That's the last straw. Nobody mocks the way I mock the French. I'm not gonna lay down and let Byron steal my trip from me. One thing about us Richters: we don't lie down and let people steal trips from us. It's really like the only thing we're proud of.

Andy: Jessica, I can take Bootsy to the groomers tomorrow, I can do it during my lunchbreak.
Byron Togler: Oh that's perfect, because I was gonna take Jessica to lunch tomorrow.
Andy: Well that works out great because I was gonna buy Jessica some pants to wear to lunch tomorrow!

Andy: [narrating] Here I was, facing a problem as old as civilization itself. How to catch a drunk cat in the ceiling so I can go to France.

Andy: Stop trying to steal my trip from me!
Byron Togler: I'm not trying to steal your trip from you.
Andy: Oh yeah! Well, then what was all that "soouu soouu soouu" and "fouu fouu fouu" and "bliblly bibbly" stuff?
Byron Togler: [sarcastic] Oh, Andy! That's good! When you give your presentation in France, you should open with that, because if there's anything the French LOVE, it's when you mock their language!

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: Wedding (#1.6)" (2002)
Andy Richter: So which one is Ramona? Is she the one with the ears?
Keith Richards: I think everyone who works here has ears.

Andy Richter: We have to get her a present too? Hey, what if my present is not getting drunk and hitting on her mom?
Keith Richards: I'll split that with you.

Andy Richter: Words can sting just as bad as window cleaner.

Andy Richter: Besides, it's not a good idea to sleep with your co-workers, remember? I hear that's what broke up the Osmonds...

Keith Richards: Lori likes you.
Andy Richter: Lori likes everybody. At the last Christmas party she 'liked' Tim Stalin's brains out on the xerox machine.

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: Duh Dog (#2.10)" (2003)
Andy Richter: [describing his working relationship with Byron in his thoughts] I'm like a manual writing gladiator and he's my adorable artist sidekick. I think I'll call him 'Popo'.

Jessica Green: These things are all ready to ship but unfortunately the manual is incomprehensible.
Byron Togler: I see. So our job is to de-incomprehensibalize it.
Jessica Green: Maybe I went to the wrong guys.
Andy Richter: Don't worry Jessica, he knows not words good, but he draws pictures pretty.

Andy Richter: I wrote the award winning manual for the super toilet. I think I know what I'm doing.

Jessica Green: It was Byron's drawing, so Byron's in charge.
Andy Richter: What! I have been for four years. He's been here two months, and one of those was February.

Andy Richter: [narrating] Look at him, the big artist. The Duh Dog was my idea! All Byron did was develop it, present it and shut me down when I tried to kill it. Now he's taking all the credit. I'm taking him out. Doggy style! - No, not like that!

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: Pilot (#1.1)" (2002)
Andy: O.K. You're right. I'm a bigot. I assume things about the good-looking they don't deserve - like they get whatever they want, or that their females don't want to talk to me.

Andy Richter: [narrating] Alright, lets do some housekeeping. I live in Chicago, I work for the fifth largest company in America, Pickering Industries. We make everything from nightlights to nuclear missiles.
[steps out of the elevator]
Andy Richter: Oh look, here's the dead guy who founded it over a hundred years ago.
Andy Richter: Hello, Mr. Pickering.
Mr. Pickering: The problem with America, is the negro and the jew.
Andy Richter: You're just a huge racist bastard, aren't ya?

Andy Richter: [Andy recounts his one and only date with Jessica] Maybe we should try sleeping together...
Jessica Green: I don't know, I think this might be one of those situations that having bad sex won't help. I guess we've been friends for too long.
Andy Richter: We might have crossed the line that time I held your hair when you were vomiting.
Jessica Green: Oh yeah, that was nice.

Mr. Pickering: In my day if you wanted to sabotage a man, you'd lickor him up, stuff him in a duffelbag and mail him to the Kaizer.
Andy Richter: I'll try may way first.
Mr. Pickering: Of course you will. Sodomite!

Arnich: You changed the schematics.
Andy Richter: Yes.
Arnich: Intentionally.
Andy Richter: If it helps me keep my job, then no. Eh, I was walking by them with a pencil wearing my new bananapeel shoes...

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: Crazy in Rio (#2.7)" (2003)
Andy Richter: The greatest thing about my job is that sometimes I'm not doing it.

Andy Richter: There. Another project finished.
[puts a paper crown on his head]
Freddy Pickering: Don't you look snazzy?
Andy Richter: Oh, I was just, ehm...
Freddy Pickering: Decorating your big head? I don't blame ya. It's a magnificent gorde.

Freddy Pickering: Your friends are garbage.
Andy Richter: What?
Freddy Pickering: They're garbage, pure garbage.
Andy Richter: Well, if they're garbage, then I'm a fly who chooses to surround myself with filth. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to gorge myself on feces.

Freddy Pickering: Cotton candy?
Andy: No thank you.
Freddy Pickering: I wasn't offering, I was introducing.

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: Final Fantasy (#2.11)" (2003)
Jessica: I heard you read Wendy's thing.
Andy: Oh, yeah. I didn't know what to tell her - I mean, it's like she wrote it in Microsoft Turd.

Andy Richter: [reading Wendy's short story] This is awful. It's like reading a 600 year old Penthouse!

Andy Richter: [Keith is coming to grips with his own mortality] But you had to know that you were probably going to die.
Keith Richards: I guess I knew it in theory. But I've been pretty lucky so far. I never have to comb my hair, I get paid for doing next to nothing, I smell like this naturally.

Andy Richter: [narrating] I had to do something. Since I am a writer I decided to use my special weapon. Language: the thing that means stuff!

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: The Second Episode (#1.4)" (2002)
Andy: The talking kangaroo was right.

Teak: You're a legend at that frat.
Phil: We've seen all the pictures.
Teak: The time you wrestled the bear.
Phil: Naked.
Teak: The time you climbed outside the library.
Phil: Naked.
Teak: The time you changed the oil on your car.
Phil: Totaly nude.
Andy Richter: [narrating] Alright, I was very comfortable with my body in college.

Andy Richter: [narrating] Look how fast I can walk. I could be in the Olympics. All I'd have to do is find an event where you say something stupid to women and then try to get away.

Andy Richter: Morning. Where's Andy?
Byron Togler: He stepped out for a minute. You know, I've been talking to him and he is really a good guy. He's always laughing and making jokes.
Andy Richter: Yes, he's a wonderful man. And if he were filled with helium and floated around the ceiling, we could keep him.

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: Charity Begins in Cellblock D (#2.12)" (2003)
Andy Richter: Do you think Dracula could have kids?
Jessica Green: [not very interested] No.
Andy Richter: Well, what about Son of Dracula or Dracula's Daughter?
Jessica Green: Okay then, yes.
Andy Richter: Can the Mummy swim?
Jessica Green: No.
Andy Richter: Well, he was in that swamp in that one movie.
Jessica Green: Okay, you made your point, you'd make an excellent monster lawyer.

Andy Richter: [thinking] I wonder if Frankenstein uses the toilet or just goes in his pants?

Andy Richter: [during a flashback, a tearful Andy has been spying on his sexy neighbors] Will I ever know love?

Andy Richter: Are we bad people?
Jessica Green: Didn't you hear the man? we're not allowed in prison!

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: Saturday Early Evening Fever (#2.13)" (2003)
Andy Richter: Hey you guys, you like dancing and hanging round with rockstars, right?
Keith Richards: Sure.
Wendy McKay: Yeah.
Byron Togler: Wow.
Andy Richter: Excelent. What are you doing tomorrow night between eight and eleven?
Keith Richards: Nothing.
Wendy McKay, Byron Togler: I'm free.
Andy Richter: You wanna help me move my grandma into her new assistant living facility? Afterwards we can go dancing and look for Rockstars. If there's time. There probably won't be.

Andy Richter: [narrating] Maybe I could learn to see Byron and my grandma's relationship the way they do, as something beautiful and giving. Rather than an unholy mix of old flesh and Byron.

Andy Richter: Okay Byron, my grandma has a right to be happy, so I give you my blessing. Just... don't get her pregnant, I don't need another mom.

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: The Show Might Go On (#2.6)" (2002)
Andy Richter: She sounds awful! We should sneak into her room while she's sleeping and put her appendix back in. Or a shoe.

Andy Richter: [narrating] This country was founded by crazy dreames who weren't afraid to chase their hopes across the great, wide American prairieI want to be such a man!

Andy Richter: [narrating] I can't grow a beard, and rum makes me giggle, but if I want to write, then writing's what I'll do, for I'm a pirate. A pirate on wheels!

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: Gimme a C (#1.5)" (2002)
Jessica Green: Okay, granted, we did engage in bad shenanigans, but it's not like were... Stalin or somebody!
Andy Richter: Tim Stalin in accounting?
Jessica Green: Yeah, Tim Stalin in accounting. That was the worst Stalin I could think of.

Andy Richter: [narrating] I can't believe they're making us clean up after ourselves. This company is becoming more and more like my mom.

Wendy McKay: It's Eric Estrada!
Andy Richter: It's Ponch from CHiPs! You're, you're like my favorite Latino guy!
Erik Estrada: Here you go, son, I couldn't 'bear' to see you sick.
Andy Richter: Oh! cool! Ponch got me a bear!
Erik Estrada: Now you're gonna get throught this, Slugger. Hey:
[pretending to speak into a motorcycle receiver]
Erik Estrada: Seven, Mary, Four, I'm gonna pull over this cancer and give it a sitation!
Andy Richter: That's great!
Jessica Green: Excuse me, Mr. Estrada, I'm sorry, but this is not the gentleman you're here to see. Andy, give back the bear.

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: Holy Sheep (#2.4)" (2002)
[Byron just joined a cult]
Andy: Your religion is the goofy fruit of the Ha Ha bush.

Andy Richter: [narrating] Byron and I were working on our latest project. it was a manual for the new Pickering non-valve-based high-pressure management system. Basically it's a hose, but don't tell the Navy.
Keith Richards: [Keith enters the office] Guys, there's a problem with our new manual. The Navy found our high-pressure management system at a garden supply store in hundred foot rolls.

Byron Togler: That's Tracy, the minister's daughter. She's super nice.
Andy Richter: Now I see why you've joined this religion. It's the same reason I campaigned for Dukakis.
Byron Togler: Andy, you are cynical. I believe in Zumanism. Tracy is just coming over to help me study for my Zuminian. That's, that's the rite of passage where i will officially become a man.
Keith Richards: Maybe you can become a man with Tracy. Or at least become a very sweaty boy.
Byron Togler: I am so into her. But, unfortunately, it is against my religion to have sex for 3 months before my Zuminian.
Andy Richter: Well, can't you get credit for the other 29 sexless years of your life?
Byron Togler: [sarcastically] Ha, ha, ha.
Byron Togler: No. I asked.

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: Grief Counselor (#1.2)" (2002)
Jessica Green: We figured out where that odor was coming from. Apparently Charlie Rhymer died in his office friday night.
Wendy McKay: Oh my God! How did he die?
Andy Richter: [Andy enters, thinking the odor came from a meat sandwich he left over the weekend] Guys, it's all my fault. I'll get some disinfective and clean it up.
Wendy McKay: 'It'? How can you say that?
Andy Richter: Well, it's just a pile of meat that sat in a hot office all weekend! Jeez.

Jessica Green: The company is making us go to a grief counselor.
Andy Richter: A grief counselor? What if we're not sad?
Jessica Green: It's mandatory.
Byron Togler: They can dictate our emotions now?
Andy Richter: [narrating] Let's just imagine for a moment what that would look like.
P.A. Voice Over: Attention. The following emotions will be felt by the following people: Jenkins: bitter. Thompson: hopeful. Richter: happy. Togler: disgruntled.
Byron Togler: Damn! I always get disgruntled! I'm sick of it.

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: Little Andy in Charge (#1.3)" (2002)
Andy Richter: So hey, I called Leslie Clevenger.
[Wendy, Keith and Jessica stare at him with blank expressions]
Andy Richter: The girl I went to High school with?
[still no sign of recognition]
Andy Richter: We only talked about it for like a half an hour yesterday!
Jessica Green: Oh yeah, I, I meant to erect a monument to that conversation but I couldn't find a grate of marble boring enough.

Andy Richter: Leslie, the human spirit was meant to soar on wings of love, not crawl through the muck of intolerance. All people are beautiful, a glorious rainbow of colors and ideas. A living stain glass window of diversity. And because you don't see that, we can never be together.

"Andy Richter Controls the Universe: Relationship Ripcord (#2.5)" (2002)
Andy Richter: [breaking up with a woman] I can't go out with you any more because I'm gay.
[she looks at him skeptically]
Andy Richter: And your brother. And a ghost.
[starts making ghostly noises]