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: Ian's gonna hypnotize me. Jake Donovan
: Yeah, to do what? Quit smoking? Lose weight? Stop sleeping with losers? Maddie
: I don't smoke, I'm not fat and I don't... Can you help me with that too?
Margaret 'Maddie' Keller
: [to Ian
] It's ridiculous to let your niece down just because you think you can't dance. Jake, sing something. Jake Donovan
: [raps loudly
] Mah bitch don't know 'cause she kinda slow, money don't grow on the trees, you ho! Woman, get a JOB!
[everyone stares in horror
] Jake Donovan
: What? It's a song!
: Look, this jerk over there keeps hitting on me, so pretend to be my boyfriend. Okay, sweetie? Jake Donovan
: Sure. Why don't you go make me a sandwich? And give me some money. Maddie
: I said boyfriend, not husband!
: I've lived in your apartment for two years, I've never seen you like this. I heard you singing in the shower this morning. Ian Stark
: That was the pipes. Jake Donovan
: The pipes don't sing "You Light Up My Life." Ian Stark
: Look, I was willing to believe "the television" ordered fifty dollars worth of porn, so drop it!