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: We gotta find you a best man. Bobby Newman
: It's fine. We'll just do the ceremony without. P.J. Franklin
: You can't do that. It's your big day. You need the support. I mean, look at all the best men available to you. Bobby Newman
: How would I choose? Kenny Morittori
: Ooo, foot race! Brendan Dorff
: State capitals! Mike Callahan
: Who can drink the most milk! P.J. Franklin
: Or... you can have all three. Bobby Newman
: I am curious to see this milk-drinking contest.
: I can be your DOF. Bobby Newman
: What's a DOF? Mike Callahan
: Deputy of Fun. P.J. Franklin
: What is wrong with you?
: Oh, good. Your mother's here. Bobby Newman
: That is the first time anyone has ever said that.
: Oh, hold onto your wallets, gentlemen. Last time I saw this woman it cost me fifty million dollars. Pamela Newman
: Oh, is that you, George. I didn't recognize you without a whore on your arm. George Newman
: Well, then, get over here! Bobby Newman
: Ah, this is NICE.
: Hello, best men. You guys look great. And PJ - wow! P.J. Franklin
: Thank you, though some credit goes to the dim lighting and the fact that we're surrounded by... thousands of gallons of wine.
: So... what's on your mind, son? Bobby Newman
: I don't know. Maybe... maybe it's just cold feet, but I, uh... I'm really having second thoughts. Andy Franklin
: About? Bobby Newman
: The wedding. Andy Franklin
] So relieved. I thought you were having second thoughts about me as a minister. Bobby Newman
: Now I kinda am.
: Bobby, hey. What's... what's going on? Bobby Newman
: I think I'm marrying the wrong woman.
: [with Andy moved to China
] I'll say it. I'm glad he's gone. No offense, PJ. I know he's your brother, but that guy was mean, slow, and a mediocre poker player. Mike Callahan
: Don't sell him short. He also complained constantly. P.J. Franklin
: It wasn't "constantly." Kenny Morittori
: [as Andy
] Poker starts too early. Bobby Newman
: [as Andy
] And goes too late. Mike Callahan
: [as Andy
] This ice makes my scotch taste like freezer.
: No smoking in the apartment Brendan Dorff
: I told her to smoke by the window. P.J. Franklin
: Next time tell her to open it. Bobby Newman
: Yes, these are bright girls we're dealing with.
[Brendan's been bringing inconsiderate girls into PJ's apartment
] Brendan Dorff
: [to Bobby
] You're cranky. Somethin' up, buttercup? Bobby Newman
: Uh, yeah, it kind of is. A stranger used my toothbrush. Brendan Dorff
: It's a GUEST toothbrush, all right? You're a guest, too. P.J. Franklin
: "Guest toothbrush?" Brendan Dorff
: It's a thing. Kenny Morittori
: No. Stephanie Layne
: No, it's not. Brendan Dorff
: Whatever, dude. You used the last of the milk. Bobby Newman
: MY milk! Brendan Dorff
: In my fridge! P.J. Franklin
: Actually... Brendan Dorff
: Fine. Fine. OUR fridge, but, I mean, the point is I gotta deal with your stuff, too, like your computer goin' "slammity-slam" early in the morning. Bobby Newman
: First of all, no computer goes "slammity-slam" - that's a fact - and secondly, noon is not early in the morning!
: [dismissing a suggestion
] Dude sucks. P.J. Franklin
: You don't even know him. You met him for two seconds. Brendan Dorff
: Whatever, dude. Look, anything you need to know about somebody, you learn in the first five minutes of meeting them. Stephanie Layne
: Where's this theory coming from? Brendan Dorff
: Oh, YEARS of observation. Bobby Newman
: ...hooking up with drunk club girls.
: Hey, Bobby, how did you NOT find out who it is, huh? Why didn't you use your powers as a boyfriend to spy? You know, withhold sex or somethin' to get the answer? Bobby Newman
: What would be in that for me?
: I hope out mystery person is hiding in that bag.
: Morning, honey. You wandered out to the shed again.
: Trust me, we don't wanna be THAT table. Stephanie Layne
: What's "THAT table?" Bobby Newman
: When I worked at a restaurant... Kenny Morittori
: You... worked at a restaurant? Bobby Newman
: Yeah, and when it gets really busy, the waiters have a choice to give all-around C+ service or A+ service to everyone EXCEPT one table. We called it "THAT table."
: I'm sorry, when did you work at a restaurant? Bobby Newman
: In college. Everyone should be forced to marry ketchup bottles at least once in their lives.
: You know how to play Bridge? Bobby Newman
: God, no. I'm not eighty.
: [under the influence of Brendan's big-boy brownies
] Okay, top five inventions of mankind: Um, the wheel, submarines, penicillin... Stephanie Layne
: [also under the influence
] Slippers, creme brulee, spoons... Bobby Newman
: Wait. But now we have six top-five inventions. Stephanie Layne
: Then let's do ten... and add four more. Bobby Newman
: Yes. I wanted to add dry-erase markers anyway.
: [regarding Facebook
] You were snooping through my friends? Bobby Newman
: That's not snooping. That's what you're supposed to do - and you're friends with all your exes. You collect them like Hummel figurines.
: Are you still friends with your ex-girlfriends? Kenny Morittori
: Uhm... no. Brendan Dorff
: Not really. P.J. Franklin
: Okay, fine, but just because the romance part doesn't work out, don't you still like them as people? Kenny Morittori
: Uhm... no. Brendan Dorff
: Not really. Bobby Newman
: Maybe it's a girl thing. P.J. Franklin
: What does THAT mean? Bobby Newman
: I don't know. It just seems like a lot more women stay friends with their exes than guys do.
: Nothing like makin' love on a bellyful of rice. Bobby Newman
: I feel like that's actually Spain's motto, isn't it?
: We're not taking sides. Kenny Morittori
: If they break up, we may have to. Brendan Dorff
: [to Bobby
] If you're not gonna stay friends with her. Mike Callahan
: I choose PJ. Bobby Newman
: What? Come on. P.J. Franklin
: Wait, why are we doing this? And what if I don't want Mike? Brendan Dorff
: It's guys night stuff.
: Wow, so we're really gonna divvy you guys up, huh? Uh, okay. Fine. I'll take Andy. P.J. Franklin
: No, he's my bro... Okay. I take Kenny. Bobby Newman
: Okay, then I get Brendo. Brendan Dorff
: Last pick? Brendan Dorff
: No, wait. Okay. I'm gonna trade Kenny and Mike for Brendo. Bobby Newman
: I don't wanna give Brendo up. P.J. Franklin
: But why? He lives with me. He has a room here. Brendan Dorff
: Does anyone feel like it's 1987 and the judge is making you choose between Mommy's house or Daddy's new condo? Kenny Morittori
: Beats finding out that Mike and I equal one Brendan.
: [having met NASCAR driver Brian Vickers
] That was a man. Kenny Morittori
: What's the difference? P.J. Franklin
: Oh, gosh, I don't know. To me it's about responsibility, honesty, intelligence... Mike Callahan
: Bah, blah, blah. These are all abstract concepts, like justice or electricity.
: All right, so what'd you guys think of Ashley? P.J. Franklin
: Do you buy her a children's ticket at the movies? Mike Callahan
: Did you meet her at the American Girl Teahouse? Kenny Morittori
: I enjoyed watching your date on "To Catch a Predator." P.J. Franklin
: Your turn, Bobby. Bobby Newman
: No, no, dude, I am completely supportive. I think it is awesome that you're helping her study for her S.A.T.s.
: [picked on for his young girlfriend
] You know, when I go out with her friends, they're a lot nicer. Bobby Newman
: Yeah, because they need you to buy them beer.
: She's gonna want you to do that list, Mr. Showerhead, okay? And if you do, she will own you. Bobby Newman
: I'm just trying to be helpful, man. Brendan Dorff
: Be helpful every now and then, but don't set a precedent.
: [about Brendan
] Okay, does anybody know that douchebag who just left? Mike
: Not me. I don't hang with douches. Stephanie
: What's wrong with him? Kenny
: Ever since you gave him that 'Sexiest Bachelor' thing, he's been shortening his words. "Waffs" and "Vods." Bobby
: Yeah, it's... annoy.
: Hey guys. We're just about to go to the bar and beg for some drinks. You want us to beg ya anything? Debbie
: Yeah, I'll have a Hip 'n Hop with Grey Goose and Corralejo. Bobby
: A wha'? Debbie
: Oh, it's like a Cosmo with tequila. Bobby
: Mmm. Yuck.
[Andy's neighbor mowed his lawn for him
: I should do something nice for Fitzy in return. What-what's the protocol? Bobby
: I don't know. You could reseal his driveway for him. That's a suburbs thing, right? Andy
: Yeah, but where does it end? He paints my house, I put a pool in his backyard. Next thing you know, we're raising a barn like an Amish community.
: [spotting Brendan across the dance floor
] I'll call 'im. Bobby
: Why don't you tell him you're 1984 and you want your sunglasses back? Kenny
: Or just tell 'im you're 1984 and you want Mary Lou Retton's leotard back.
: I am telling you, a well-organized closet is one of life's underrated pleasures. Bobby Newman
: Like eggs for dinner. P.J. Franklin
: Or diving into a perfectly still pool. Mike Callahan
: Or a warm toilet seat.
: You know, I don't think med school is for me. It's a shame, 'cause I look rowdy in scrubs.
: Gimme a thumbs up if you like to wear ladies underpants.
[Bobby gives Brendan a thumbs up, Brendan enthusiastically returns one in kind
: Yeah, it'll be nice to have a friend who's a lawyer when the S goes down. Bobby Newman
: Well, I mean, it's probably gonna take a couple years, so you might wanna keep your S together.
: [about Mike's birthday
] What is this, uh, thirty...? Mike Callahan
: I will be turning, ah, thirty-five. Kenny Morittori
: Ooooo! Brendan Dorff
: Gross! Bobby Newman
: Dude, I think that officially makes you the old man of the group. Mike Callahan
: Not so fast. Grandpa here is thirty-six. Kenny Morittori
: Thirty-five and three quarters. Mike Callahan
: You don't look a day over fifty. Kenny Morittori
: You don't act a day over twelve. Brendan Dorff
: Old man fight! Old man fight! Old man fight!
: You are never gonna guess what I'm doing tomorrow. Brendan Dorff
: Going fishing. Bobby Newman
: Driving to St. Louis. Mike Callahan
: Creating a beautiful glass menagerie.
: What's the Vince Vaughn movie? Stephanie Layne
: Dog trainers who fall in love at the dog show, and it's called, um... Brendan Dorff
: "Shih Tzu Happens." Kenny Morittori
: "Legal Beagles." Brendan Dorff
: Doesn't even make any sense, man. Why would the dogs be lawyers? Kenny Morittori
: I don't know. "Shih Tzu Happens" makes sense?
: You are not gonna BELIEVE what I've been dealing with. Brendan Dorff
: Flat tire. Kenny Morittori
: Buffalo stampede. Mike Callahan
: Creating a beautiful glass menagerie. Stephanie Layne
: [to Mike
] See more than one play.
: He just asked me! Mike
: Well, of course he asked you! Look at you. You're adorable. Kenny
: Those dimples. Andy
: That cute little grin.
: [high voice
] "Daddy, how did you meet Mommy?" Andy
: [low voice
] "Well, dear, Mommy was a drunken cast-off." Bobby
: Yeah, see, she wanted to go home with Uncle Brendo that night, but Daddy was in the right place at the right time. PJ Franklin
: "Daddy, do you think I can be a drunken cast-off some day?" Andy
: [low voice
] "Dare to dream, sweetie. Good night."
: Hey, Sportin' Life, what number of sexy are YOU? Bobby
: Um... I'm not on the list, Trouty. Trouty
: What? Interrabang? What happened? You photograph puffy?
: Hey, Brendan, wherever you're goin', I'll show you how to get there.
: PJ, you're a girl, right? P.J. Franklin
: I don't think so.
: It's so different having a female friend. Yeah, she's honest, she's supportive, she's a good listener. You guys aren't good listeners. What'd I just say? Bobby Newman
: Something about a scavenger hunt?
: [wearing his new shirt and tie for his new job
] What do you think? Bobby Newman
: Oh-ho-ho-ho, wow! Is class picture day tomorrow? Andy Franklin
: I like it. Your individuality's been stripped from you. You'll fit right in.
: And I love that you call my mother Pamela. P.J. Franklin
: Why? Bobby Newman
: Because she hates her name. P.J. Franklin
: No. Bobby Newman
: No, don't worry about it. You're safe because she really, really likes you. Of course, the last time my father called her Pamela, we had to get a restraining order put on her. Yeah, I wish I was kidding about that.
: Hey, Roberts. I'm gonna go to the bar, uh, to order a drink. Would you care to join me?
[Mike fixes Bobby with an intense gaze and tilts his head leadingly
] Bobby Newman
: [as if working it out
] Uh, I can see that you're trying to communicate with me and I want to know what it is, so... yes.
[Mike gets a new job but hasn't told Kenny he's leaving the store
] Bobby Newman
: What, are you just gonna stop showing up for work? Mike Callahan
: No, I'll just... rock both jobs until the store turns around and he doesn't need me. Bobby Newman
: And when you say "rock both jobs," what's you're solution to the can't-literally-be-in-two-places-at-once thing? Mike Callahan
: Surgery. Dead aunt. Time-space continuum. I'll figure it out.
: I have to clean my toothbrush. Brendan Dorff
: You have to what? Kenny Morittori
: You know, I have to clean off the toothbrush handle. Bobby Newman
: Yeah, that toothpaste ooze settles down into the toothbrush mug - drives 'em crazy. Mike Callahan
: And THAT is why I'm single. Bobby Newman
: That's not why you're single. Mike Callahan
: Brendo, why don't you just tell Stephanie that you think her sister's ugly. What's the problem? Bobby Newman
: THAT's why your single.
: I... I find you incredibly sexy. I mean, you're gorgeous, and you don't take crap from anybody, and you know Kerry Wood's E.R.A. his rookie year. P.J. Franklin
: It's 3.40. Bobby Newman
] God, I want you.
: Run, fish, run!
: Hang up, Mike! It's a trap!
: [having followed an attractive but crazy woman to Tulsa
] Dude, that girl is in-SANE. We partied in a quarry. We had sex in a nursing home. I got pushed in a river. We broke into a zoo! Oh! I had to take a bus home, man. Somehow she got me on the no-fly list! Bobby Newman
: Tulsa has a river?
: You know, something about Brendan's changed. Ever since he was named one of Chicago's sexiest bachelors, he's become more... P.J. Franklin
: Confident? Kenny Morittori
: No... Bobby Newman
: Cocky? Kenny Morittori
: No... Mike Callahan
: Douchey? Kenny Morittori
: He's a little douchey. Bobby Newman
: You know what? He is, and we avoid those people. We don't go into their bars and they don't come into ours. Andy
: I don't know. That sounds kind of douchist. P.J. Franklin
: All right, guys. It's not that bad. Let's give him a break. Mike Callahan
: All right, but if he has to hug anything out, I'm gonna tell all the kids down at Urban Outfitters how old he is.
[a video conferencing program is chiming annoyingly on PJ's computer
] Bobby Newman
: Just answer it. P.J. Franklin
: I don't know how. Andy
: We got this at home. Let me call tech support.
[Dials cell phone
: [Talks like to a small child
] Oh, hey, sweetie, it's Daddy! Yeah, when Nana calls on the computer, how do you... No, no, yeah, just one ques... Okay. Thank you.
: She can't talk, she's hooking up the surround sound.
: See, I was in until he said "hurrah." Bobby Newman
: "Hurrah" means drunken adventure. Mike Callahan
: I'm back in.
: Grew up in that building right there. This is the first time I've ever stepped foot on this beach. Mike Callahan
: That's crazy. P.J. Franklin
: Why wouldn't you come over here? Bobby Newman
: I wanted to but my parents wouldn't let me. They said it was public, which in rich speak means "dangerous and dirty." Mike Callahan
: Yeah, dude, you better be careful. That golden retriever will lick you to death.
: Wow, first the Sears Tower, then talking to a really hot girl. I am enjoying The Kenny Show today.
: [looking spiffed up
] Well, I took some photos today 'cause I have a column. Mike Callahan
: That's why you give the hot chick the column. Somebody wants to look at pictures of an old, bald, wrinkly dude. P.J. Franklin
: Well, I don't really think that's why I got the column. Mike Callahan
: Oh, come on, PJ. Don't be naive. You think that your looks have nothing to do with you getting that promotion? P.J. Franklin
: No. I would like to think it's because I earned it. Mike Callahan
: By bein' hot! P.J. Franklin
: By being a good writer. Bobby Newman
: You are a GREAT writer. P.J. Franklin
: Thank you. You are a little biased. Kenny Morittori
: He's right. You are a great writer - with long blonde hair and a great set of legs. No offense, Bobby. Bobby Newman
: All good. Andy Franklin
: Like the late John Updike. Nice set of getaway sticks on THAT guy.
: Let me help you out, Bobby. See, you're in a relationship now. What you think, your opinions, they don't matter anymore. If you wanna be happy, just remember this: she's always right. Bobby Newman
: Right, but we're in the same field. You know, we're colleagues. Andy Franklin
: I don't think you understand. See, you're wearing the journalist hat when you should be wearing the boyfriend hat.
: [trying to understand Andy's boyfriend advice
] So I do NOTHING? Andy Franklin
: No. You listen, and just answer "yeah" and "uh-huh" and watch everything work itself out. Bobby Newman
: THAT'S wearing the boyfriend hat? Andy Franklin
: Yeah. Bobby Newman
: And you really think that'll work. Andy Franklin
: Uh-huh. Bobby Newman
: 'Cause I don't know if PJ's gonna fall for that. Andy Franklin
: Yeah? Bobby Newman
: Yeah. Andy Franklin
: Uh-huh. Bobby Newman
: Oh, I see what you're doing. Andy Franklin
: Yeah? Bobby Newman
: You're very good at this. Andy Franklin
: Damn. I don't know if I LIKE being "one of the girls."
: Wait a minute. did you just say "make out?" He told me that you guys hooked up. P.J. Franklin
: Yah, we... we did. We made out. Mike Callahan
: Hook up does not mean made out. It means doing it. P.J. Franklin
: No, it doesn't. Bobby Newman
: Dude, it can mean a lit of different things. It depends on the situation. I mean, a guy hooked me up with tickets to a game once. There was nothing sexual about it. Kenny Morittori
: Yeah, I hook up with girls for coffee all the time Mike Callahan
: And there's absolutely NOTHING sexual about that.
: I can not believe you told your annoying little fan about me and Bobby! How could you just tell a perfect stranger something so private and personal? Bobby Newman
: Well, I... had just done something very private and personal... to that stranger; and, I can't be held responsible for what I say after sex.
: [to PJ
] All the guys you date suck. Bobby Newman
: Mm, I kinda like the new one.
: Us, the Dream Team; you, Angola. Mike Callahan
: Us, Cheez-Its; you, Cheese Nips. Kenny Morittori
: Us, The Godfather; you, Godfather III. Brendan Dorff
: Us, Radiohead; y'all, Coldplay. Bobby Newman
: What's wrong with Coldplay? Brendan Dorff
: Oh, dude, if you even need to ask... Andy Franklin
: Who's Coldplay?
[For a free lunch, the guys agree to be observational subjects for Stephanie's next writing assignment
] Stephanie Layne
: I'll be like... Dian Fossey. Bobby Newman
] That's funny. Bobby Newman
: [to PJ and the guys, who aren't laughing
] Dian Fossey was a woman who watched what apes do for a living. Brendan Dorff
: Oh. Mike Callahan
: What did they do? Bobby Newman
: Who? Mike Callahan
: The apes. Bobby Newman
: They were apes. Mike Callahan
: But did they make stuff? Bobby Newman
: No. Mike Callahan
: So what do they do for a living? Bobby Newman
: Mike, go lie down.
: Brendan, what are you doing here? Brendan Dorff
: I just brought by some chocolate and an army knife. Bobby Newman
: Mmm. No. Sweeden.
: I'm just saying, if I had a nanny like that, I would quit my job and I'd stay home just to be with her. Brendan Dorff
: Dude, if you quit your job, you wouldn't need a nanny. Bobby Newman
: Okay, let's not overthink this.
: Oh, that reminds me, the dinner party is back on. Bobby, Brendan, you guys in? Brendan Dorff
: Mmm, I think I'm busy. Bobby Newman
: Me, too. P.J. Franklin
: You guys aren't busy. You're just waiting to see if something better comes along. Come on, you guys. I'm just trying to shake things up here. Kenny Morittori
: They don't wanna come, they don't wanna come. Mike Callahan
: Yeah, PJ, there's no reason to badger them into coming to your dumb dinner party. P.J. Franklin
: Smooth, you guys.
: [recreating an incident in her and Brendan's past
] Bobby, you be me. I'll be Brendan. Okay? Bobby Newman
: What's my motivation? P.J. Franklin
: Um, you are sitting in the library with Stephanie, pretending to study, maybe even a little excited to see him again. Bobby Newman
: Okay. P.J. Franklin
: You're going to say, "Hi, Brendo." Kenny Morittori
: I love live theater. Andy Franklin
: These are great seats.
: I was in the scene and it felt a little false to me. I'm not sure I buy it.
: It's kind of fun to think of Brendo being a total dick. P.J. Franklin
: Thank you. Mike Callahan
: It's also fun to think that PJ made the whole thing up and is therefore pitch-a-tent-on-your-front-lawn crazy. Brendan Dorff
: Thank you. Bobby Newman
: Both tempting choices. I'm torn.
: How can people be so callous. Mike Callahan
: Well, you tell me, because I was sick as a dog and none of YOU seem concerned. I mean, my fever was goin' so high I started to hallucinate. P.J. Franklin
: I called you EVERY single day and you told me you were fine and to stay away. Bobby Newman
: Yeah, when I called there, you were hosting a diner party with your Crimean war buddies.
[Andy's cat cries out
] Mike Callahan
: Does anybody else hear that?
[Stephanie shrugs, PJ shakes her head
] Mike Callahan
: Oh, my God, I'm still in my room. I never made it out! Brendan Dorff
: Mike, it's okay. You're back, buddy. Okay, you're with your friends PJ, and Bobby, and Lord Cardigan.
: If you want immortality, you're gonna need to find a vampire. Brendan Dorff
: Ugh. Dated, like, three of those.
: It's like my body turns fat into intensity. Kenny Morittori
: Apparently my body turns fat into pain.
: I could make a shirt. Brendan Dorff
: No way. Do you have any idea how hard that is? Mike Callahan
: How hard can that be? You take a needle, some cloth, a little string... Bobby Newman
: You mean "thread?" Mike Callahan
: I'm kind of, like, the Tiger Woods of sewing. Bobby Newman
: You know what, buddy? We're gonna let you have that one.
: Everybody's gone crazy. Bobby Newman
: Like "dancin' in the streets" crazy or like "box of fingers under your bed" crazy? P.J. Franklin
: Somewhere between those two. Mike Callahan
: Yeah, like a happy-go-lucky guy who cuts up squirrels.
: Why don't you name me four herbs? Bobby Newman
: Okay, uh, parsley, Italian parsley, Chinse parsley, and... Elvis Parsley.
: Brendo, here's the thing: If you want to be equal partners with John, you're gonna have to learn to manage him yourself. Brendan Dorff
: I know, but it's gotten so... Bobby Newman
: Plus, at this point, you've probably spent more quality time with the guy than I even have. I mean, I'm not even sure we'd still be friends if we hadn't killed that homeless guy together.
: God, makin' new friends is hard. I have a bad feeling we're stuck with each other. Bobby Newman
: Well, hey, we do cover all the key demographics. I mean, you've got your sensitive-yet-strong modern man. Brendan Dorff
: The hard-working entrepreneur. Kenny Morittori
: The guy who can do this.
[catches a spinning card in mid-air
] Andy Franklin
: The brother who's afraid to feel his feelings. Mike Callahan
: And the handsome guy who defuses their jealousy with humor. P.J. Franklin
: Ooo, when's THAT guy get here?
: My health insurance got cancelled. I got no choice. Gotta go to Dr. Brendo, now. P.J. Franklin
: No-ho-ho-ho-o-o-o. Bobby Newman
: Who... who's Dr. Brendo? P.J. Franklin
: It's the doctor that lives inside his head. Bobby Newman
: Yeah? Brendan Dorff
: Went to Harvard Medical School. Bobby Newman
: Inside your head. Brendan Dorff
: Wherever, dude. It's Harvard.
: Let's talk about Elsa. Bobby Newman
: Wow, that took you about a minute. P.J. Franklin
: What? Bobby Newman
: Did they nominate you to talk to me? P.J. Franklin
: How did you guess? Bobby Newman
: I've been in on THAT vote before. It's always you.
: Okay, I thought I was clear on the hamburgers. I mean, I got a little lost around the grilled cheese part, but I definitely... don't know what we're talking about NOW.
: And, my God, why is it that every time I talk to you I feel like the chick?
: [about his dating PJ
] So, I should tell the guys. P.J. Franklin
: No. No. No. Bobby Newman
: Why not? P.J. Franklin
: They're like a school of piranhas, right? No, they will take the baby deer that is our relationship and they will tear it to bits. Bobby Newman
: What is a baby deer doing in the Amazon? P.J. Franklin
: Lost its way? Bobby Newman
: Okay. P.J. Franklin
: See, the point is that they will tease us mercilessly. Bobby Newman
: Come on, they're not that bad. P.J. Franklin
: Brendan - he finally gets his dream job, right? - and they treat him like he showed up to class in his underpants. Bobby Newman
: Okay, that is true, but to be honest with you, watching Brando pore over blueprints is like... like watching a bear try to fold a map. It... Wow, I'm doing it, too! P.J. Franklin
: You see? Bobby Newman
: What have they done to me? P.J. Franklin
: I don't know. You used to be so nice. Bobby Newman
: Man, it's like I want to support Brendan, I just... don't remember how. P.J. Franklin
: And, they will be relentless. I mean, they will mock us until we break up, and then they will mock us for that. Bobby Newman
: You're right. You're absolutely right. But they know you're dating somebody, so how do we handle that? P.J. Franklin
: Well, they don't really have the longest attention span. I mean, I'm sure right now they're wondering who would win in a fight, a badger or a raccoon. Bobby Newman
: Which is ridiculous because obviously it would be a badger. And why are there so many animals in this conversation?
: [observing Brendan
] What is he doing? Kenny Moritorri
: Looks like he's working? Bobby Newman
: [pulling out his cell phone
] It IS what it looks like. His parents'll want a picture, right?
: If everyone's ready, I can show you to your rooms, and then after that we have the welcome wine tasting followed by the welcoming barbecue. It's all printed in your welcome package. We just really want you to feel welcome.
[the guys compare old injuries
] Jack Newman
: Scar right there. See? P.J. Franklin
: Oh, look, it's little Bobby teeth marks. Jack Newman
: Well, he was twenty-two. Bobby Newman
: Okay, okay, what about this one? Do you remember that? Your archery set? George Newman
: Ooo. Mike Callahan
: Dude, that's nothing. Mike Callahan
: [pointing to his upper lip
] Hockey stick. Kenny Morittori
: [pointing to his forehead
] Mm-mm. Beer bottle. Brendan Dorff
: [pointing to his heart
] Mm. Wendy. Mike Callahan
: Aw, man, you made it real.
: Yeah, none of 'em were really my type. Mike Callahan
: Oh, so now you're above slutty and young?
: You see, this is why he was getting hit on so much the other night, because he has the stink of success on him. Bobby Newman
: Yeah, that's true. Nothing is more attractive than somebody who doesn't need to be attractive.
: You guys, the Hendershoots are coming! The Hendershoots are coming! Mike Callahan
: By land or by sea?
: Hey, the stews are back. Bobby Newman
: Wonder what airline they work for. Mike Callahan
: Well, tonight they're flying Air Mike. Probably in town for a layover. And if we play our cards right, we might get to handle their bags.
: You are all I thought about on my honeymoon.
: Come on, you're gonna bat me last just because you can't take a little teasing? P.J. Franklin
: No, I'm batting you last 'cause you might suck.
: It's a weird phenomenon, isn't it, how a team can have such great stats, and the players can look so strong, but something is just missing? P.J. Franklin
: Yeah, it is. Bobby Newman
: So, how are you and Hank doing these days? P.J. Franklin
: What made you just think that?
: All right, fine, we'll do it, but this is IT, okay? No more helping each other move anymore - just like how we agreed not to pick each other up from the airport. Kenny Morittori
: Yeah, just like how we all agreed not to lend Mike money anymore. Mike Callahan
: Whoa, when did we agree that? P.J. Franklin
: I don't know but I am IN! Mike Callahan
: No, you're out! Bobby Newman
: New rule! New rule!
: Dude, he might be dead. Brendan Dorff
: No. No, he's moving. Mike Callahan
: That's not moving. That's twitching.
: [finding Bobby sitting with PJ and Stephanie
] Don't talk to them. Bobby Newman
: But... they're our friends, and... I LIKE them. Mike Callahan
: No girls, remember? We're bachelors tonight. Right, Andy?
[Andy's cell phone rings
] Mike Callahan
: Dude, don't answer that! You and I are the glue holding this bachelor party together. Andy Franklin
] Might be a stripper.
: Those are warm. Bobby Newman
: Eat me.
: As fascinating as this is, I'm going to the bathroom. Bobby Newman
: Ah, good. I'll come with you. Kenny Morittori
: I don't want you to go with me. Bobby Newman
: I need to go to the bathroom. Come on. It'll be fun. Kenny Morittori
: This is disturbing on many levels.
: Wait, you guys, what do you expect? I'm gonna dick around with you guys for the rest of my life? Kenny Morittori
: Wow! Really. Mike Callahan
: Oh, ho-ho-ho! P.J. Franklin
: All right. I didn't mean THAT. Kenny Morittori
: Getting awfully crowded in here. Mike Callahan
: Yes! Robert, Kenneth, perhaps we should go dick around someplace else. Maybe we could "dick around" at the movies. P.J. Franklin
: You guys, you know I didn't mean it like that, right? Mike Callahan
: You know, actually, we should call the theater to see what their dicking around policies are. P.J. Franklin
: Come on, you guys... Kenny Morittori
: And when we're done "dicking around," maybe we should find ourselves a new hub. Mike Callahan
: Hm. Well... Bobby Newman
: Enjoy Parsifal.