Captain Trunk
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Quotes for
Captain Trunk (Character)
from "Sledge Hammer!" (1986)

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"Sledge Hammer!: All Shook Up (#1.7)" (1986)
Captain Trunk: How's the investigation going? Any leads?
Sledge Hammer: No, but after a few more victims get killed, we'll have more to go on.

Captain Trunk: I feel a migraine coming on here, I know it...
Sledge Hammer: Now, Captain, I think I have found a way of getting rid of those headaches, once and for all.
Captain Trunk: What is that?
Sledge Hammer: [whips out GIANT needles] Acupuncture!
Captain Trunk: Get away from me.
Sledge Hammer: I'm good with these.
Captain Trunk: I said, get away from me. Get away from me with the needles, Hammer! GET AWAY FROM ME WITH THOSE NEEDLES!

Captain Trunk: Fifteen Elvis Presley impersonators killed in the last three weeks.
Dori: What on Earth could be the killer's motive to murder 15 Elvis impersonators?
Sledge Hammer: Obviously to get into the Guinness Book.

Captain Trunk: How's this investigation going? Any leads?
Sledge Hammer: No, but after a few more victims get killed, we'll have more to go on.

"Sledge Hammer!: Hammer Gets Nailed (#1.2)" (1986)
bystanders: [standing outside clock shop while Hammer defuses a bomb] Go! Hammer, Go! Go! Hammer, Go!
Officers: [watching TV at precinct] Go! Hammer, Go! Go! Hammer, Go!
Captain Trunk: [watching TV in office] Go! Bomb, Go!

[after being suspended from duty, Hammer saves the day by defusing a bomb. Captain Trunk reluctantly welcomes him back to the force]
Captain Trunk: I hate to say it, but it's good to have you on the force.
[they shake hands]
Sledge Hammer: Thank you, Captain.
Captain Trunk: And if there's ever anything I can do for you, please tell me.
Sledge Hammer: Oh, no.
Sledge Hammer: Well, there is one... no, it's... well, I mean, I've always wanted to do it, but it takes two people.
Captain Trunk: This does not involve a gun, does it?
Sledge Hammer: [laughing] No, no!
[Cut to Later: Hammer raises a kiddie's bow-and-arrow set, while Captain Trunk places an apple on his head]

Captain Trunk: Hammer, I got a problem. Do you know a reporter named Phil Gum from Action News?
Sledge Hammer: I don't watch the news. I make it.
Captain Trunk: He wants to ride along with one of us... for one day.
Sledge Hammer: So what's the problem?
Captain Trunk: He chose you!
Sledge Hammer: Why me?
Captain Trunk: Because, Hammer, on paper, you have a perfect arrest record. You have put over a thousand men behind bars. God knows if any of them are guilty of anything!
Sledge Hammer: They look guilty to me.
Captain Trunk: Hammer, you don't seem to understand the point of my dilemma. I've been fighting with city hall for over two months now. They're talking about making cutbacks! The mayor is threatening this entire department! Do you understand what I'm saying?
Sledge Hammer: You want me to kill the mayor?
Captain Trunk: No! I'm saying this report will help us or hurt us. It could be good PR or bad PR. I'm ordering you to act responsibly!
Sledge Hammer: Don't worry captain. Me and my one-man band will give them a little wholesome family entertainment!
Captain Trunk: Hammer, put that gun away.
[Hammer does]

Officers: [watching Hammer defuse a bomb] Go, Hammer, go! Go, Hammer, go! Go, Hammer, go!
Captain Trunk: Go, Bomb, go! Go, Bomb, go!

"Sledge Hammer!: A Clockwork Hammer (#2.1)" (1987)
Dori: Well, it looks like justice was done.
Sledge Hammer: It sure was. Those were the ugliest shoes I've ever seen.
Captain Trunk: Hammer, what happened? Didn't they try to brainwash you?
Sledge Hammer: That's right, captain, they did. They tried to play on my subconscious. But they forgot one important thing.
Captain Trunk: What's that?
Sledge Hammer: I don't have a subconscious.

Captain Trunk: Hammer, I'm amazed that you were able to hold out against their brainwashing.
Sledge Hammer: Well, it was easy, sir. I simply thought about one thing.
Captain Trunk: What was that?
Sledge Hammer: Well, who's always close to my side? Someone I'm afraid I've been neglecting lately. Someone for whom I've never been able to express my true feelings.
[Dori blushes and smiles as Hammer looks at her]
Sledge Hammer: Someone who's beautiful. Sleek. Attractive. I think it's obvious who I'm talking about, sir.
Dori: Oh, Sledge, stop!
Sledge Hammer: [Pulls out gun] My gun.
Captain Trunk: Hammer, you are a truly sensitive guy.
Sledge Hammer: I never thought you'd know that.

"Sledge Hammer!: Under the Gun (#1.1)" (1986)
Captain Trunk: You couldn't resist it, could you, Hammer? You just couldn't resist blowing up a building on your way to work this morning, could you Hammer?
Sledge Hammer: Look. The only way to fight criminals is to be, you know, wilder than they are!
[makes whistling missile and explosion noise]

Dori: Could we kill the lights, please?
[Sledge happily reaches for his gun]
Captain Trunk: Keep that gun in your holster, Hammer!

"Sledge Hammer!: Dori Day Afternoon (#1.5)" (1986)
Sledge Hammer: [Hammer answers phone at bank robbery standoff] Second National Bank; hostage speaking.
Captain Trunk: Hammer, this is Trunk. Have they hurt anyone?
Sledge Hammer: No.
Captain Trunk: Have *you* hurt anyone?
Sledge Hammer: Not yet.

"Sledge Hammer!: To Sledge, with Love (#1.6)" (1986)
Dori Doreau: Haven't they tried any alternatives? What about that "Straighten Out" program where convicts warn youths about prison life?
Captain Trunk: They brought prisoners in to speak at the school last month. The kids aided them in making an escape.
Dori Doreau: Oh.
Captain Trunk: Now, these animals are violent, destructive, and they have no respect for authority.
Sledge Hammer: Don't worry, Captain. I won't be suckered in by their virtues!

"Sledge Hammer!: State of Sledge (#1.14)" (1987)
Captain Trunk: Hammer, this is Inspector Perkins from Internal Affairs!
Sledge Hammer: A cop who busts cops, huh?
Inspector Perkins: Does he work here?
Dori Doreau: This is Inspector Sledge Hammer.
Inspector Perkins: I don't recall seeing that name. Who is this man you're so clearly abusing?
Slag: The name is Slag.
Sledge Hammer: Slag. This rodent is the leader of a bloodthirsty cult of Satan worshippers. And so far, I like him better than I like you.

"Sledge Hammer!: Wild About Hammer (#2.4)" (1987)
[last lines]
Captain Trunk: According to our findings, Elizabeth Jenkins escaped six months ago from a home.
Dori Doreau: You mean, "a home"?
Captain Trunk: That is correct. And apparently while there, she became obsessed with TV police shows. Upon escaping, Jenkins used falsified records to enroll herself in the police academy.
Dori Doreau: So, after being stationed at the 33rd, she naturally fixated on a cliched, macho cop like Ginsburg. And when he rejected her psychotic advances, she killed him.
Captain Trunk: That's right. And then transferred here... where another, similar murder almost took place.
Sledge Hammer: Wait a minute! You're telling me that someone with serious mental problems was able to slip through our screening procedures and become a cop? How could something as obscene as that happen?
Captain Trunk: That's not the question, Hammer. The question is, "how could it have happened *again*?"

"Sledge Hammer!: Haven't Gun, Will Travel (#1.15)" (1987)
Sledge Hammer: No! No! Nada! No! No shrinks for daddy! I want no part of this freak!
Captain Trunk: Hammer, what is the matter with you? What are you afraid of? Haven't you ever been analyzed?
Sledge Hammer: Not by anybody who lived!
Captain Trunk: Hammer, this could help you! It could explain your use of excessive force!
Sledge Hammer: Excessive force! What excessive force?
Captain Trunk: What excessive force??? What about that time you broke up that floating casino with a torpedo?
Sledge Hammer: Ahhhh! You shoulda seen that. Everywhere you looked, fish & chips!

"Sledge Hammer!: The Spa Who Loved Me (#1.22)" (1987)
Captain Trunk: Hammer, I must congratulate you on apprehending those bank robbers. I just can't believe you were able to get them to surrender their weapons by reading aloud from the collected works of Rod McKuen.
Sledge Hammer: You know, some of them were weeping openly. The truth is, poetry is more effective than tear gas.

"Sledge Hammer!: The Color of Hammer (#1.16)" (1987)
Dori Doreau: [Sledge Hammer turns on the TV] What's so important?
Sledge Hammer: Liam Johnson is being interviewed. We should have more judges like him.
Captain Trunk: We did. In the Spanish Inquisition. That man is completely over the edge.
Dori Doreau: Didn't he put a man on the Death Row and leave him there until he died of old age?
Sledge Hammer: And nobody mentions his sense of humour.