Sheldon Cooper
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Quotes for
Sheldon Cooper (Character)
from "The Big Bang Theory" (2007)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Big Bang Theory: The Codpiece Topology (#2.2)" (2008)
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, I am not going back to the renaissance fair.
Howard Wolowitz: Come on, Sheldon, there are so few places I can wear my jester costume.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't care. There are far too many historical anomalies for my comfort.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, okay, how about this. You can go dressed as a Star Trek science officer exploring a planet very similar to Earth in the fifteen hundreds.
Sheldon Cooper: You mean like Spock?
Rajesh Koothrappali: [shrugs] Sure.
Sheldon Cooper: Fascinating.

Sheldon Cooper: If you're having trouble deciding where to sit, may I suggest "One Potato, Two Potato." Or as I call it, the Leslie Winkle experimental methodology.

Howard Wolowitz: Renaissance fairs aren't about historical accuracy. They're about taking chubby girls who work at Kinkos and lacing them up in corsets so tight their bosom jumps out and says "howdy".
Sheldon Cooper: Bosoms would not have said "howdy" in the Fifteenth Century. If anything, they would have said "Huzzah!"
Howard Wolowitz: I don't care what the bosoms say, Sheldon. I just want to be part of the conversation.

Leslie Winkle: Hello, dummy.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello, insufficiently intelligent person.
Leslie Winkle: Ooh, send me to the burn unit.

Penny: Why don't you go to a movie?
Sheldon Cooper: Alone?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: What if I choke on my popcorn? Who will administer the Heimlich manuver?
Penny: So, don't buy popcorn.
Sheldon Cooper: No popcorn at the mo - listen to yourself!

Sheldon Cooper: Everybody's got a date. Even you, Mario, going after Princess Peach. And what am I doing? I'm just enabling you.

Sheldon Cooper: My God, they can't expect to put Ye Olde in front of anything they want and get away with it.

Leonard Hofstadter: I'm glad Penny's dating. Now I can really let loose.
Howard Wolowitz: You were holding back?
Leonard Hofstadter: Out of courtesy, yes.
Rajesh Koothrappali: What about the ten years before Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, I've date plenty of women.
Howard Wolowitz: Like who?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, there's Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle...
[pause]
Sheldon Cooper: Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary: the word "plenty" has been redefined to mean "two".

Sheldon Cooper: You know how I can tell we're not in the Matrix?
Leonard Hofstadter: How?
Sheldon Cooper: If we were, the food would be better.

Sheldon Cooper: Look on the bright side.
Leonard Hofstadter: What bright side?
Sheldon Cooper: Only nine more months until ComicCon.
Leonard Hofstadter: [smiling] Oh, yeah.

Sheldon Cooper: [Referring to their Renaissance Fair costumes] I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.
Leonard Hofstadter: You went out and bough linen?
Sheldon Cooper: Don't be silly. I borrowed one of your pillowcases.
Leonard Hofstadter: Borrowed?

Rajesh Koothrappali: I think she's smoking hot.
Howard Wolowitz: I'd hit that!
Sheldon Cooper: You'd hit particulate soil on a colloidal suspension.
[Wolowitz looks at him for clarification]
Sheldon Cooper: Mud.

Leonard Hofstadter: [wants Sheldon to leave because he has a date] Nevertheless I have one now, and I'd appreciate it if you'd, you know, make yourself scarce.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can't be accurately be measured by normal tests. How much scarcer could I be?

Sheldon Cooper: If Leonard is really my friend, why doesn't he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?
Penny: Because love trumps hate.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, now you're just making stuff up!

Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Mario. How I wish I could control everyone the way I can with you?
[Presses buttons frantically]
Sheldon Cooper: Hop, you little plumber! Hop, hop, hop!

Penny: Why don't you see a movie or something?
Sheldon: Alone?
Penny: Yeah, why not?
Sheldon: What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich maneuver?
Penny: Well, then don't order popcorn.
Sheldon: No popcorn at the movies? Listen to yourself.

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch-enemy.
Penny: Your arch-enemy?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, the Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic, the Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man, the Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel...
Penny: Okay, I get it, I get it!
Sheldon Cooper: You know, it's amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees.

Sheldon: Leslie Winkle. Of all the overrated physicists in all the labs in the world, why does it have to be Leslie Winkle?

Leonard Hofstadter: What's so unusual about me having a date?
Sheldon: Well, statistically speaking...
Leonard Hofstadter: All right, all right! Nevertheless, I have one now and I'd appreciate it if, you know, made yourself scarce.
Sheldon: Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an i.q. which can't be measured by normal tests. How much scarcer could I be?

Leonard Hofstadter: What's so unusual about me having a date?
Sheldon: Well, statistically speaking...
Leonard Hofstadter: All right, all right! Nevertheless, I have one now and I'd appreciate it if, you know, made yourself scarce.
Sheldon: Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and and i.q. which can't be measured by normal tests. How much scarcer could I be?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Werewolf Transformation (#5.18)" (2012)
[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm just going to run to the store and get a few things; I'll pick you up when you're done.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay. I-I like it a little better when you stay, but all right.
Angelo: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I'm here for my haircut with Mr. D'Onofrio.
Angelo: I'm sorry. Uncle Tony's in hospital. He's pretty sick.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, dear. Mr. D'Onofrio is in the hospital. Why do these things always happen to me?
Angelo: I could cut it for you.
Sheldon Cooper: You're not Mr. D'Onofrio. I get my haircut by Mr. D'Onofrio.
[to Leonard]
Sheldon Cooper: You believe this guy?

Leonard Hofstadter: What are you doing?
Sheldon Cooper: Trying to get the hair out of my eyes.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, you are one day late for your haircut.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you for captioning my nightmare.

Penny: You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother's hair. I could do it for you.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill-folk. But here in town we don't churn our own butter, we don't make dresses out of gunny sacks, and sure-as-shootin' don't get our hair cut by bottle blonde...
Leonard Hofstadter: [interrupting] Sheldon, be nice!
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry. It's the bad boy attitude that comes with this hair.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, you're ruining girlfriend-boyfriend sing-along night.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, I'm looking for a barber, and I'm running out of time. My hair is growing at the rate of four point six yoctometers per femtosecond. And if you're quiet, you can hear it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What about Supercuts?
Sheldon Cooper: I tried once. They do men's and women's hair in the same room at the same time. It's like Sodom and Gomorrah with mousse.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, this isn't a crisis. Why don't you just let your hair grow out a little?
Sheldon Cooper: Why don't I let my hair grow out? Um, why don't I start wearing Birkenstocks and seeking validation of my opinions by asking: "Can you dig it?"
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, I don't know. I think you might look sexy with long hair. The kind that flows down to your shoulders and blows back while riding on a horse. Bareback and barechested...
[pauses]
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm gonna go brush my teeth, it might take a while.

Penny: So, if I move my horsey here... Isn't that checkmate and I win?
Leonard Hofstadter: [long pause] Hm.
Penny: Well, is it or isn't it?
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, I think this is a good stopping point. Uh... it's your first real game, I threw a lot of information at you...
Penny: Uh, no, your king is trapped. He can't go here because of my lighthouse, and he can't go here because because of my pointy-head guy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Like I said, complicated game.
Penny: So did I win or not?
Leonard Hofstadter: Did you have fun? Because if you had fun, then you are, you are a winner. And that's... that's what chess is all about.
Sheldon Cooper: [coming in] Hello.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey.
Penny: Oh, hey. Sorry, Sheldon, I'll move.
Sheldon Cooper: Nah, why? My spot, your spot... What difference does it make?
Penny: Okay, what just happened?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I'm guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug and changed the course of human events.

Penny: Sweetie, are you all right?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I'm not all right. It's been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut. And nothing horrible has happened.
Penny: Okay, I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, explain it to her.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh. Uh, he's crazy.

Leonard Hofstadter: I think this could be good for you. Maybe it's time for you to shake things up a bit.
Sheldon Cooper: You're right. I should embrace the chaos.
Leonard Hofstadter: Great! What are you gonna do first?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know. I could do anything. All bets are off. The world is my oyster.
[hammers his hand at the table]
Sheldon Cooper: I got it. I'm gonna put on my Tuesday pajamas tonight.

Leonard Hofstadter: [waking up by hearing rhythm sounds] Don't let this be Sheldon playing bongos. Please, don't let this be Sheldon playing bongos.
[gets up, walks into the living room]
Sheldon Cooper: [playing bongos, "sings" to the rhythms] Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos? Bet you didn't know that I had bongos.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, it's three o'clock in the morning.
Sheldon Cooper: [sings] Three in the morning is a good time for bongos!
Leonard Hofstadter: I was sleeping!
Sheldon Cooper: [sings] Leonard sleeps while I play bongos!
Leonard Hofstadter: No, he doesn't.
Sheldon Cooper: [sings] Leonard no sleep while I play bongos! Bongo solo!
[plays wilder]

Penny: Why did you get bongos?
Sheldon Cooper: Richard Feynman played the bongos. I thought I'd give that a try.
Leonard Hofstadter: Richard Feynman was a famous physicist.
Penny: Leonard, it's three o'clock in the morning! I don't care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt!

Penny: Where are you going?
Sheldon Cooper: Wherever the music takes me, kitten.

Sheldon Cooper: [sings off screen] I play bongos walking down the stairs.
Sheldon Cooper: [falls] Oh! Oh!
[Penny looks freaked and worried at the same time]
Sheldon Cooper: [continues singing] Never play bongos walking down the stairs!

Penny: All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, you're not trained, you're not licensed, and most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.
Penny: All right, honey, look. We've known each other for a long time now, right? I've taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you "Soft Kitty" when you're sick, you've even seen me naked once.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry, what?
Penny: It's a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing. Please let me cut your hair.
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, what do you think?
Amy Farrah Fowler: There's not a hair on my body I wouldn't let this woman trim.

Sheldon Cooper: To paraphrase T.S. Eliot, this is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but with a nephew.

Sheldon Cooper: I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe by carefully planning every moment of every day - but all my efforts: our dinner schedule, my pajama rotation, my bowel movement spreadsheet - it's clear now; I've been wasting my time.
Leonard Hofstadter: Good. I'm taking that disgusting chart off the fridge.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, you're a grown man, he's a professional, and your haircut is number three on that poster from 1946. Just sit down and let him do it.
Sheldon Cooper: Fine. But if I come out of this looking like a dork, it's on you.
[Sheldon sits down and Angelo starts preparations to cut his hair]
Angelo: So my kid did the funniest thing today...
Sheldon Cooper: No.
[Stands up and walks out]
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Angelo] When you tell this story later, the word we usually use is quirky.

Penny: [Penny is cutting Sheldon's hair] Almost done.
Sheldon Cooper: At the end of the haircut, Mr. D'Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke.
Penny: Well, sorry, I don't know any dirty jokes.
Sheldon Cooper: That's okay, I never understood them anyway.

[last lines]
Penny: Okay, I'm just going to clean up your neck a little, and then you are good to go.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay.
[Sheldon jerks and laughs]
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, sometimes the clippers tickle me.
Penny: Okay.
[Sheldon throws back his head, laughing, and the clippers slide up the back of his head]
Penny: Okay, yup, we're all done now.
[grabs the hand mirror]
Penny: Let me just take that away from you.
[removes towel from his shoulders]
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you very much.
Penny: You are welcome.
[Sheldon leaves]
Penny: Yup, I'm going to have to move.

Sheldon: [singing] I play bongos, walkin' down the stairs.
Sheldon: [He falls] Oh, ow!
Sheldon: [singing] Never play bongos walkin' down the stairs.


"The Big Bang Theory: Pilot (#1.1)" (2007)
Sheldon: But then some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler that doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve?
Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn't.

Leonard: So, tell us about you.
Penny: Um, me? Okay - I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Sheldon: Yes - it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: [stares at Sheldon in utter confusion] Participateinthewhat?
Leonard: [scrambling to save face] I think what Sheldon is trying to say is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.
Penny: Oh, yeah - lot of people think I'm a water sign.

Penny: Four years I lived with him! Four years, I mean that's like as long as high school!
Sheldon: It took you FOUR YEARS to get through high school?

Sheldon: If by "Holy Smokes", you mean a derivative restatement of the kind of stuff you could find scribbled on the wall of any men's room at MIT, sure.

Leonard: Should we have invited her for lunch?
Sheldon: No, we're gonna start season two of Battlestar Galactica.
Leonard: We already watched the season two DVDs.
Sheldon: Not with commentary.

Sheldon: Leonard has a lady over.
Wolowitz: Yeah, right, your grandmother's back in town?

Leonard: Come on! We have a combined IQ of 360 we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
[two girls selling cookies ring every bell, the door opens]
Sheldon: What do you think their combined IQ is?

Leonard: [discussing Sheldon's work] At least I didn't have to invent 26 dimensions just to make the math come out.
Sheldon: I didn't invent them. They're there.
Leonard: In what universe?
Sheldon: In *all* of them, that is the point!

Sheldon: Do you want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard: Not really.
Sheldon: [going on anyway] If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip.
Leonard: I don't care.
[thinks about it]
Leonard: Two milli - that doesn't seem right.
Sheldon: It's true - I did a series of experiments when I was twelve. My father broke his clavicle.
Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?
Sheldon: No - that was the result of my work with lasers.

Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.

Sheldon: You're not done with her, are you?
Leonard: Our babies will be smart *AND* beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.

Leonard: Oh, I love cheesecake.
Sheldon: You're lactose intolerant.
Leonard: I don't eat it, I just think it's a good idea.

Sheldon: I don't know your odds in the world as a whole, but as far as the population of this car goes, you're a veritable mac daddy.

Sheldon: Uhm, Penny, that's where I sit.
Penny: So sit next to me.
Sheldon: No, I sit there.
Penny: What's the difference?
Sheldon: What's the difference?
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: In the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on.

Leonard: We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on MySpace.
Leonard: Yes, and you've never met one of them.
Sheldon: That's the beauty of it.

[first lines]
Sheldon: So, if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed, it will not go through both slits. If it's unobserved, it will. However, if it's observed after it's left the plane, but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.
Leonard: Agreed. What's your point?
Sheldon: It's no point. I just think it's a good idea for a t-shirt.

Leonard: We brought home Indian food, and I know that moving can be stressful and I find that when I'm undergoing stress, good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also curry is a natural laxative, and I don't have to tell you that a clean colon is one less thing to worry about.
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm no expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.

Sheldon: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.
Leonard: Must we?
Sheldon: Event A: A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B: We drive halfway across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend. Query: On what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
Leonard: She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Ah, yes. Well, that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher-level distal cause.
Leonard: Which is?
Sheldon: You think with your penis.

Penny: Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm such a mess. And on top of everything else, I'm all gross from moving. And my stupid shower doesn't even work.
Leonard: Our shower works.
Penny: Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Algorithm (#2.13)" (2009)
Sheldon Cooper: Kripke!
Barry Kripke: Yeah?
Sheldon Cooper: What would you say to the idea of you and I becoming friends?
Barry Kripke: I would say... I have no intewest in becoming your fwiend.
Sheldon Cooper: Really? Oh, that seems rather short sighted coming from someone who is generally considered altogether unlikeable. Why don't you take some time to reconsider?
Barry Kripke: [sarcastically] Yeah, I'll do that.
Sheldon Cooper: [to Raj, Howard and Leonard] Well, *I* think we're off to a terrific start.

Leonard Hofstadter: My point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum, meet people, talk to them, take an interest in *their* lives.
Sheldon Cooper: That's insane on the face of it.

Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, do you have any books about making friends?
Jeremy: Um, yeah, but they're all for little kids.
Sheldon Cooper: I assume the skills can be extrapolated and transferred.
Jeremy: Uh, I guess. They're right over there by the wooden train set.
Sheldon Cooper: Ooh, I love trains!
Jeremy: I bet you do.

Leonard Hofstadter: What I'm trying to say is that maybe you can't approach this as a purely intellectual exercise.
Sheldon Cooper: What do you mean?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, uh, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the internet?
Sheldon Cooper: I *did* learn how to swim.
Leonard Hofstadter: On the floor.
Sheldon Cooper: The skills are transferable. I just have no interest in going in the water.
Leonard Hofstadter: Then why learn how to swim?
Sheldon Cooper: The ice caps are melting, Leonard. In the future, swimming isn't going to be optional.

Sheldon Cooper: I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.
Howard Wolowitz: Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at ComiCon; make a fortune.

Barry Kripke: You afwaid of heights,Cooper?
Sheldon Cooper: Hardly. A fear of heights is illogical. Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary.

[first lines]
Rajesh Koothrappali: Mmmm! Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
Sheldon Cooper: First off, that is axiomatically wrong because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant...
Howard Wolowitz: - Hey, I'm thinking of growing a mustache.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, no kidding. A Fu Manchu, a handlebar, pencil?
Sheldon Cooper: It's extracted from the plant...
Howard Wolowitz: I'm not sure yet. You know, George Clooney has one now.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Really? I once saw him shopping at Ralphs. He was buying tequila.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, you'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
[Sheldon's face and eyes are twitching]
Leonard Hofstadter: Alright, this is cruel. We better let him finish before his head explodes.
Howard Wolowitz: Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca...
[at lightning speed]
Sheldon Cooper: Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.
[takes a drink]
Rajesh Koothrappali: Feel better now?
Sheldon Cooper: It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding.
[to Leonard]
Sheldon Cooper: You promised you wouldn't do that anymore.

Sheldon Cooper: That's where I sit.
Barry Kripke: Ooh, you have a special spot. What kind of wacko are you?
Howard Wolowitz: How much time you got?

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, what are you doing?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm making friends with this little girl. What's your name?
Rebecca: Rebecca.
Sheldon Cooper: Hi, Rebecca. I'm your new friend, Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: [pulling Sheldon away] No, you're not. Let's go.
Sheldon Cooper: We were really hitting it off.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't look up, there's cameras.

[Howard makes a few minor changes to Sheldon's friendship flow chart]
Sheldon Cooper: A loop counter and an escape to the least objectionable activity. Howard, that's brilliant! I'm surprised you saw that.
Howard Wolowitz: [sarcastically, to Raj and Leonard] Gee, why can't Sheldon make friends?

Sheldon Cooper: [studying rock-climbing wall] This appears significantly more... monolithic than it did on my laptop. Y'know, one expects to see hominids learning to use bones as weapons.

Barry Kripke: You all wight then, Cooper?
Sheldon Cooper: Not really. I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function at the approach to the asymptote.
Barry Kripke: Are you saying you're stuck?
Sheldon Cooper: What part of 'inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote' did you not understand?

Sheldon Cooper: Tsk, tsk, tsk. Your questionnaire, very disappointing.
Leonard Hofstadter: I answered every question, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. See, A-B-B-A-C, A-B-B-A-C.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, you picked up on that, huh?
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, wait... How could I not?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, uh, come on. There's over two hundred questions. And look at some of these things. "Sheldon is to camaraderie as the space shuttle is to blank."
Sheldon Cooper: There are a number of acceptable answers. For example, "c", near-Earth transport. But certainly not "b", avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I'd have better luck making friends if I wait 'till the Cylons take over? Please.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hold on. I put some real work into that.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, well, it's better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be a distended scrotum.
Leonard Hofstadter: [looking at the drawing] It's kind of cute.
[Sheldon looks offended]
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, 'till you get to the scrotum.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah. What hope do I have for establishing new relationships, given that my current friends apparently could not take a few hours out of their lives to help me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, Sheldon, I'm not going to defend a big-balled raccoon.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I don't see how you could.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I'm doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.
Penny: Yes, well, that is a good question. But is this really the best way to figure it out?
Sheldon Cooper: I agree. The social sciences are largely hokum. But short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.
Penny: Okay, question one: "Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal: intelligence, ruthless attention to hygiene, playfulness, Java applet writing"?
Sheldon Cooper: I know. I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. An aspect of of my most appealing trait: playfulness. Why don't you just go ahead and rank that number one? I'm afraid you're on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than three hours.
Penny: Well, wait, how many questions are on this thing?
Sheldon Cooper: Only two hundred and eleven. Don't worry. In deference to you, I've kept them all at a high school graduate reading level.
Penny: [sarcastically] Thanks, pal.
Sheldon Cooper: You got it, buddy.
Penny: Sheldon, honey, did you ever consider making friends by being, I don't know, pleasant?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, that's certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis. May I suggest it as the topic for your essay?

Sheldon Cooper: [looking for books on making friends] All right, let's see. "Bernie Bunny Has Two Daddies Now". That's probably about homosexual rabbits. "Gerry the Gerbil and the Bullies on the Bus". Read it, not helpful.

Sheldon Cooper: Oh, good. You're just in time. I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.
Howard Wolowitz: Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune.
Sheldon Cooper: You see, my initial approach with Kripke had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo when he was new at the zoo.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Stu the Cockatoo?
Leonard Hofstadter: [sarcastic] Yes. He's new at the zoo.

Sheldon Cooper: Hello. This is Sheldon Cooper. I'm leaving a message for Barry Kripke. Barry, It was pleasant seeing you today in the cafeteria. I saw that you purchased the chef's salad. Apparently, you did not know that the chef's salad is kitchen trickery, to utilize scrap meat. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm following up on our pending friendship, and I look forward to hearing from you regarding its status. Sheldon Cooper.

Sheldon Cooper: Hello. This is Sheldon Cooper. I'm leaving a message for Barry Kripke. Barry, It was pleasant seeing you today in the cafeteria. I saw that you purchased the chef's salad. Apparently, you did not know that the chef's salad is kitchen trickery, to utilize scrap meat. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed it. I'm following up on our pending friendship, and I look forward to hearing from you regarding its status. Sheldon Cooper.
Rebecca: I don't like birds, they scare me.
Sheldon Cooper: Me too! Most people don't see it. What are you reading?
Rebecca: Curious George.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh I do like monkeys!
Rebecca: Curious George is a monkey.
Sheldon Cooper: Somewhat anthropomorphized but yes. Say, maybe sometime you and I can go see monkeys together. Would you like that?
Rebecca: OK.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, what are you doing?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm making friends with this little girl. What's your name?
Rebecca: Rebecca.
Sheldon Cooper: Hi Rebecca, I'm your new friend, Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: No you're not, let's go.
Sheldon Cooper: We were really hitting it off.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't look up, there's cameras.


"The Big Bang Theory: The White Asparagus Triangulation (#2.9)" (2008)
[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: If I am permitted to speak again, Doctor Sheldon Cooper for the win.

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, Leonard, Leonard
[whilst knocking]
Leonard Hofstadter: What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: Tell me what you see here?
[showing Leonard the laptop]
Leonard Hofstadter: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?

Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, I'm going to make this very simple for you. *You* are not in this relationship. *I* am. Ergo, you have *noooo* say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie!
Sheldon Cooper: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit, and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard Hofstadter: Starfleet General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon Cooper: Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard Hofstadter: Because this is not Star Trek!

Sheldon Cooper: Of the handful of women Leonard's been involved with, she's the only one I have ever found tolerable.
Penny: Wwll, what about me?
Sheldon Cooper: The statement stands for itself.

Sheldon Cooper: Well, Stephanie, since Leonard seems to be dropping the conversational ball, I guess I'll just have to pick it up.
[long pause]
Sheldon Cooper: Have you ever witnessed a violent crime?
Stephanie: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Good. What's your favorite fruit?
Stephanie: Eh, uh... Strawberries.
Sheldon Cooper: Technically not a fruit, but all right.

Sheldon Cooper: Gentlemen, I have a question about dating and relationships.
Rajesh Koothrappali: [to Howard] You told me you were going to have the talk with him.
Howard Wolowitz: I've been waiting for someone to have the talk with me.

Sheldon: If you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed!
Leonard: What landing party?
Sheldon: You're Kirk, I'm Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed... and now we've got McCoy!

Sheldon: This is bananabread.
Penny: This is a doorknob.

Sheldon: I'm sorry I'm late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.
Leonard: What invitation?
Sheldon: [reads note] "We're going to the movies." What movie? What theater? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn't have done a better job.
Leonard: Oh clearly, I could have.

Sheldon Cooper: [after informing Stephanie he had successfully made his own CAT scanner at the age of 12] In fact I was briefly able to see the inside of my sister's guinea pig, Snowball, before he caught fire. It led to an interesting expression in our house: "Not a Snowball's chance in a CAT scanner!"

Penny: Leonard, congratulations.
Leonard Hofstadter: What for?
Penny: Your facebook status update. Leonard Hofstadter is in a relationship.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? No... No, that's not right.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did? Speaking as an expert: way to look needy.
Penny: Seriously? You went first, after only two weeks? That's bold.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's not bold, it's a mistake. I didn't change my status.
Penny: Well, then who did?
[Everybody looks at Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: I had no choice; he cried in front of her.
Leonard Hofstadter: You hacked my facebook account?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, it's hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, "Kal-El".

Sheldon: [Knock, knock, knock] Penny.
[Knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon: Penny...
Penny: What?
Sheldon: [Knock, knock, knock] Penny. Zucchini bread.
Penny: Ooh. Thank you!
Sheldon: May I come in?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Y - I see. Apparently, my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.
Penny: Aw, thank you.
Sheldon: So have you and I returned to a social equilibrium?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Great. New Topic. Where are you in your menstrual cycle?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I've been doing some research online and apparently, female primates - you know, apes, chimpanzees, YOU - they find their mate more desirable when he's being courted by another female. Now, this effect is intensified when the rival female, is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation. Which brings me back to my question; where are you...
Sheldon: [Penny slams door on his face] Clearly I'm 14 days too early.

Sheldon Cooper: [seeing the mess in Penny's apartment] Were you robbed?
Penny: No.
Sheldon Cooper: [looking around] How can you be sure?

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Penny! Hello.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: What is shaking?
Penny: [pause] I'm sorry?
Sheldon Cooper: It's colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing the triumph of some local sports team?
Penny: Whats wrong with you? You're freaking me out.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm striking up a casual conversation with you. Saa-uup?
Penny: Please don't do that.
Sheldon Cooper: All right, but I'm given to understand that when you have something *awkward* to discuss to someone it's more palatable to preface it with banal chit-chat.
Penny: So this *wasn't* the awkward part?

Penny: OK, all right, you know what... I'll tell you what happened.
[sighs heavily]
Penny: We were young; we were very much in love. but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.
Sheldon Cooper: It's not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?

Leonard Hofstadter: [yelling] Are you insane! Now she's going to think I'm desperate. You've destroyed this relationship, and, you want to know the worst part is, you don't even understand what you did wrong because you can't conceive of something that you are not an expert in.
Sheldon Cooper: In which I am not...
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't even!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition (#5.10)" (2011)
[Sheldon knocks on Penny's door]
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon Cooper: Penny!
[knocks again]
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon Cooper: Penny!
[knocks again]
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon Cooper: Penny!

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, can I talk to you about something? It's a little awkward.
Sheldon Cooper: I know what this is about. Given the professional stand still you're at, you're wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching.
[pauses]
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.

Penny: What's up?
Sheldon Cooper: I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.

Penny: Alright, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I'm going with this?
Sheldon Cooper: I believe I do.
Penny: Mhm.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm the guy.
Penny: You're not the guy.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, the baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time...
Penny: I call everyone sweetie.
Sheldon Cooper: You tramp.

Penny: Look, Sheldon, all I'm saying is... strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.
Sheldon Cooper: Strap on a pair? Uh, of what? Skates?
Penny: Oh, sweetie, you're so not the guy.

Sheldon Cooper: I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm listening.
Sheldon Cooper: With the understanding that nothing changes, whatsoever. Physical or otherwise. I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Interesting. Now, try it without the quadruple negative.
Sheldon Cooper: You're being impossible.
[Amy leans over to Stuart]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hi, Stuart!
Sheldon Cooper: Fine!
[Amy leans back to Sheldon again]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy... Will you be my girlfriend?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, that's enough of that.

Sheldon Cooper: [knocks] Penny.
[knocks]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy.
[knocks]
Sheldon Cooper: Bernadette.

Sheldon Cooper: I got a splinter.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon Cooper: Relationship agreement, section 4: Boo-boos and ouchies. You have to take care of it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I should have gotten a lawyer.

Penny: Oh god, are you trying to make Amy jealous?
Sheldon Cooper: No! Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart, and whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight?
Penny: Ok, listen to me, playing games is not gonna help get Amy back.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not trying to get her back! But out of curiosity, what is a way?

Stuart: So, other than you taking your relationship to the next level with another guy, this was nice!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes, well, thanks for seeing me to my door.
Stuart: Oh, you're welcome.
Sheldon Cooper: [Knocking from inside Amy's apartment] Amy! Amy! Amy! Let's wrap things up out there!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Umm... Good night Stuart!
Stuart: Good night!
[They hug]
Sheldon Cooper: Take a hint Stuart, the lady said good night!

Sheldon Cooper: I got a splinter.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What do you want me to do about it?
Sheldon Cooper: Relationship Agreement Section 4: Boo-Boos and Ouchies. You have to take care of it.

Sheldon Cooper: I know what this is about. Given the professional standstill you're at, you're wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching. Yes! And if I may suggest, consider changing discipline, to the humanities or perhaps history. One of the advantages of teaching history is that you don't have to create things, you know, you just have to remember stuffs that happened and then parrot it back. You can have fun with that.

Sheldon Cooper: So, what do you think of new comic book night? Magic, right?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I'm disappointed in you. Sure, a genius such as yourself is allowed his vices. I can understand frequenting an opium den or hunting your fellow men for sport, but this? Lame-o.
Sheldon Cooper: A. comic books are storytelling through the use of sequential art, a medium that has existed for 17,000 years back to the cave art of Lascaux; and B. you play the harp, like that's cool.

Howard Wolowitz: I thought you didn't like Facebook anymore.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't be silly. I'm a fan of anything that tries to replaces actual human contact.

[Sheldon joins Amy and Stuart on their date]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon Cooper: The thought of you sitting in a darkened theater with a character like Stuart is repellent. No offence Stuart.
Stuart: None taken. Though repellent's kind of a, kind of a strong word.

Amy Farrah Fowler: How did you get into my apartment?
Sheldon Cooper: Is this the kind of nagging I'm going to expect now that you're my girlfriend?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Bad Fish Paradigm (#2.1)" (2008)
Penny: I get it! Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress-slash-actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.
Sheldon Cooper: Why would you lie about that?
Penny: Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school - and I didn't want him to think I was some kind of stupid loser.
Sheldon Cooper: You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community-college graduate?
Penny: You know, there are a lot of successful people who graduated from community college.
Sheldon Cooper: Yet you are neither.

Sheldon Cooper: [Ex nihilo] Leonard, I'm moving out.
Leonard Hofstadter: What do you mean, you're moving out? Why?
Sheldon Cooper: There doesn't have to be a reason.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, there kinda does.
Sheldon Cooper: Not necessarily. This is a classic example of Münchhausen's Trilemma: either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons, leading to an infinite regression; or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements; or it's ultimately circular: i.e., I'm moving out because I'm moving out.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm still confused.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I don't see how I could have made it any simpler.

[Sheldon and Rajesh are watching television. Alka Yagnik's voice can be heard singing]
Sheldon Cooper: Is that woman Aishwarya Rai?
Rajesh Koothrapali: Yes, isn't she an amazing actress?
Sheldon Cooper: Actually, I'd say she's a poor man's Madhuri Dixit.
Rajesh Koothrapali: [angered, Rajesh turns his head toward Sheldon] How *dare* you! Aishwarya Rai is a goddess! By comparison, Madhuri Dixit is a l-leperous prostitute!
Sheldon Cooper: [shocked] Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you. Obviously, you're not that familiar with Indian cinema.
Rajesh Koothrapali: [angrily turns his head toward Sheldon a second time]

Penny: This is between you and me. You can't tell Leonard any of this.
Sheldon Cooper: You're asking me to keep a secret?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I am sorry, but you would have had to have expressed that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether I wanted to accept the covenant of secret-keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex-post-facto basis.
Penny: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Secret-keeping is a complicated endeavor. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expressions, autonomic reflexes. When I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a Lyme disease research facility.
[pause]
Sheldon Cooper: It's a joke. It relies on the homonymic relationship between "tick", the blood-sucking arachnid, and "tic", the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.

Sheldon Cooper: You must release me from my oath. I can't keep your secret, Penny. I'm going to fold like an energy-based de novo protein in conformational space... like a Renaissance triptych... like a cheap suit.
Penny: Why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm constitutionally incapable. That's why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles southeast of Traverse City, Michigan.
[pause]
Sheldon Cooper: Which you did not hear about from me.

[Koothrappali and Wolowitz have been using a video camera to spy on Leonard's date with Penny]
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon! How could you just sit there and let them spy on me?
Sheldon Cooper: They were clever, Leonard: they exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.

Penny: Has Leonard ever been involved with someone who wasn't a braniac?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, a few years ago, he did go out with a woman who had a Ph. D. in French literature.
Penny: How is that not a braniac?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.

[Sheldon is looking for a place to stay]
Rajesh Koothrapali: You can't stay with me - I have a teeny, tiny apartment.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, but isn't hosting guests an aspect of Manushya-Yajna, one of the five central religious duties or sacrifices of the Hindu house-holder?
Rajesh Koothrapali: I hate trains!
Sheldon Cooper: Don't be silly - you love trains.

[Sheldon moves in with Koothrapali]
Sheldon Cooper: This is a very old building.
Rajesh Koothrapali: Sixty years. Used to be a watch factory.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't you worry about the residual radium from the luminous dials?
Rajesh Koothrapali: Not until now!
Sheldon Cooper: I can't believe I didn't bring my Geiger counter. I had it on my bed, and I didn't pack it.
Rajesh Koothrapali: Well, if you're not comfortable staying here, Sheldon...
Sheldon Cooper: I'm kidding! I packed it.

Howard Wolowitz: Are you having a second date?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. She said we would just wing it.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. Even I know that's lame.

Sheldon Cooper: [looking at tape of Penny kissing Leonard] Jaw clenched, no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign in human mating.
Leonard Hofstadter: It is not a bad sign!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. You might as well be two iguanas with no dewlap enlargement.

Penny: Has Leonard ever dated any regular women?
Sheldon Cooper: I assume you are not refering to digestive regularity. It has been my experience that asking that is highly inappropriate.

Rajesh Koothrapali: We just came from the exhibit of preserved cadavers.
Howard Wolowitz: And some of those skinless women were hot!
Sheldon Cooper: If you'll excuse me, I have to pack.
Howard Wolowitz: That's a bit of an overreaction to a little harmless necrophilia.

Penny: Sheldon, can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Well, I would prefer that you didn't but I won't go so far as to forbid it.
Penny: ...Okay, I heard 'yes'.

Sheldon: [In a gravely voice, after being drugged by Howard] "I'm Batman!"

Sheldon Cooper: Hey, there he is! There my old buddy bud-bud!
Leonard Hofstadter: What's with him?
Howard Wolowitz: Koothrapali dumped him on me and he couldn't get to sleep so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom's Valium in it but he still wouldn't shut up so tag you're it!
[Wolowitz drops Sheldon's bag and leaves]
Sheldon Cooper: I'm baaack!
Leonard Hofstadter: I still don't know why you left.
Sheldon Cooper: I can't tell you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why not?
Sheldon Cooper: I promised Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: You promised Penny what?
Sheldon Cooper: That I wouldn't tell you the secret. Ssh!
Leonard Hofstadter: What secret? Tell me the secret.
Sheldon Cooper: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it but we can't tell dad!
Leonard Hofstadter: Not *that* secret! The other secret!
Sheldon Cooper: I'm Batman! Ssh!
Leonard Hofstadter: Damn it! Sheldon, you said Penny told you a secret. What was the secret?
Sheldon Cooper: Okay, I'll tell you. But you can't tell Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: I promise.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny lied about graduating from community college because she's afraid she's not smart enough for Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: So it's nothing I did? It's her problem?
Sheldon Cooper: I drank milk that tasted funny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny thinks I'm too smart for her. That's ridiculous!
Sheldon Cooper: I know. Most of your work is extremely derivative. Don't worry that's not a secret. Everybody knows!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Work Song Nanocluster (#2.18)" (2009)
Penny: If this takes off I won't have to be a waitress anymore.
Sheldon Cooper: But then who will bring me my cheeseburger on Tuesday nights?
Penny: Another waitress?
Sheldon Cooper: What's her name?
Penny: I don't know.
Sheldon Cooper: And you're going to let her handle my food?
Penny: Nancy. Her name is Nancy.
Sheldon Cooper: I think you're just making that up!

Penny: Okay, you know what, if I'm not allowed to be snide, you are not allowed to be condescending.
Sheldon Cooper: That wasn't a part of our original agreement, and I do not agree to it now!

Sheldon Cooper: Coffee's out of the question. When I moved to California, I promised my mother that I wouldn't start doing drugs.

Sheldon Cooper: [Talking about Penny's home business] Ten dollars a day times five days a week times 52 weeks a year is 2,600 dollars.
Penny: That's all?
Sheldon Cooper: Before taxes.
Penny: Well, I don't have to pay taxes on this stuff.
Sheldon Cooper: I believe the Internal Revenue Service would strongly disagree.

Sheldon Cooper: [Talking about Penny's proposed home-based business] If you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, and you optimized your manufacturing process, you might be able to make this a viable business.
Penny: And you know about that stuff?
Sheldon Cooper: [patronizing] Penny - I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.
Penny: Who's Radiohead?
Sheldon Cooper: [with facial tic] I have a working knowledge of the _important_ things in the universe.

Sheldon Cooper: [after timing how long it took Penny to make a decorative hair barrette] Based on your cost in materials and your wholesale selling price, you'll effectively be paying yourself five dollars and nineteen cents a day.
Penny: A day?
Sheldon Cooper: There are children in a sneaker factory in Indonesia who out-earn you.

Sheldon Cooper: Perhaps we could expand our market.
Penny: How are flower barrettes gonna appeal to men?
Howard Wolowitz: We add Bluetooth!
Sheldon Cooper: Brilliant! Men love Bluetooth!
Penny: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You want to make a hair barrette with Bluetooth?
Sheldon Cooper: Penny - Everything is better with Bluetooth.

Sheldon Cooper: [How Sheldon knocks on Penny's door, without a pause: knock-knock-knock] Penny!
[knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Penny!
[knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Penny!

[Sheldon delivers a package to Penny]
Sheldon Cooper: [Presents clip board] Excuse me! You have to sign this.
Penny: What is it?
Sheldon Cooper: When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I am fully indemnified and no longer liable.
Penny: Sheldon, it's just a box of rhinestones!
Sheldon Cooper: Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?
Penny: It means nothing to anybody!

Sheldon Cooper: [to Penny] Are you familiar with the development that resulted from Honore Blanc's 1778 use of interchangeable parts?
[long pause]
Sheldon Cooper: The assembly line, of course.

Sheldon Cooper: Before we set up a marketing and distribution infrastructure, we should finish optimizing the manufacturing process. To start with, she has a terrible problem with moisture-induced glitter clump.
Penny: Yeah, it's a bitch!
Howard Wolowitz: [Inspecting bottle of glitter] Ah, I've seen this before.
Penny: Where?
Howard Wolowitz: It's a common stripper problem: they dance, they sweat, they clump.

Penny: How the hell are we gonna make a thousand Penny Blossoms
[Penny's hair product]
Penny: in one day?... I'm gonna have to call them and cancel that order.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.
Penny: I just don't see how we can pull this off.
Sheldon Cooper: That, right there! That equivocation and self-doubt. That is not the American spirit. Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo? Did Jim Bowie?
Howard Wolowitz: They didn't give up, they were massacred! By like a gazillion angry Mexicans!

Leonard Hofstadter: All right, what's wrong with it?
Sheldon Cooper: What's wrong with it?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not from you!

Howard Wolowitz: Leonard died again, Sheldon. You're up.
Sheldon Cooper: Despite my deep love of chess, lasers, and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: Because it's almost 11:00.
Leonard Hofstadter: So?
Sheldon Cooper: So Penny has a "don't knock on my door before 11:00 or I punch you in the throat" rule.

Sheldon Cooper: Look at Planck's Constant. People say it's arbitrary. It could not be less arbitrary. If it varied even slightly, life as we know it would not exist. Bam! Now, now, let's reconsider the entire argument, but with entropy reversed and effect preceding cause, so you are thinking of a universe that's not expanding from the centre, no, it is retreating from a, from a possibility space. Bam! This is a space where we are all essentially Alice through the looking glass, standing in front the Red Queen, and we're being offered a cracker to quench our thirst. Bam! Of course, in another universe, let's call it universe prime, there's another Sheldon, let's call him Sheldon prime...
Penny: We should have let him go to bed.
Leonard Hofstadter: Bam.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Rhinitis Revelation (#5.6)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: You know if my clothes get too soft it makes me sleepy.

Sheldon Cooper: That lecture was a waste of time. I made more accurate diagrams of the expansion of the early universe on a nursery wall with the contents of my diaper.

Mary Cooper: Sheldon, when is your landlord gonna fix the elevator?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know. Lately we've been talking about converting it into a missile silo.
Leonard Hofstadter: Your son seems to think we need to launch a preemptive strike on Burbank.
Sheldon Cooper: Get them before they get us.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, you're talking like a crazy person.
Mary Cooper: Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he's fine.
Sheldon Cooper: Told you.
Mary Cooper: Although I do regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.

Sheldon Cooper: Mom, I want to apologize for my behavior last night.
Mary Cooper: Apology accepted.
Sheldon Cooper: Great! Now, you're gonna love the Perlmutter lecture. Look, he will be stating that the universe is older than six thousand years, but I thought you could stick your fingers in your ears and hum "Amazing Grace" during those parts.
Mary Cooper: I am still going out with your friends.
Sheldon Cooper: But... I apologized! And that was hard for me, because I didn't do anything wrong!

Amy Farrah Fowler: [after Sheldon coughs] You getting sick?
Sheldon Cooper: No. I'm just allergic to people that get Nobel Prizes for no good reason.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, is it possible that your foul mood, or to use the clinical term: bitchiness, is because your mother isn't making you a priority?
Sheldon Cooper: No. Or to use the clinical term: Nuh-uh.

Sheldon Cooper: I didn't get to spend a lot of time with you on this visit.
Mary Cooper: And whose fault was that?
Sheldon Cooper: Yours.

Sheldon Cooper: You are in for a treat; my mother's fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra-large coffin.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, she just got off the plane. She doesn't want to cook.
Sheldon Cooper: Wha-uh? Of course she does. Making me food is her way of saying I love you. Making me food when she's too tired to cook is her way of saying I really love you.

Mary Cooper: I've never had it, but there's no harm in trying something new.
Sheldon Cooper: There's a lot of harm in trying something new! That's why we test our drugs and cosmetics on bunny rabbits.

Sheldon Cooper: [to a man sitting next to him on a bench] Look at the two of us. Me, a highly regarded physicist, the kind of mind that comes along once, maybe twice, in a generation. You, a common man, tired from your labors as a stockbroker, or a vacuum cleaner salesman, or a bootblack. But deep down inside, apparently we're just two peas in a pod. A regular pea. The kind of pea that comes along once, maybe twice, in a generation.
[It starts to rain]
Sheldon Cooper: Rain, another great equalizer. Falling on the head of the brilliant and the unremarkable alike.
[Man takes out umbrella and opens it]
Sheldon Cooper: Smartypants.

Sheldon Cooper: You people need to stop ruining my mom's visit, with you, with your sushi and your sadness and your slutty shirts! Stop it!
[Raj whispers to Howard]
Howard Wolowitz: He's not talking about your shirt. Your shirt is fine.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm not going to get my pecan pie, am I?
Leonard Hofstadter: Want some Oreos?
Sheldon Cooper: Double stuff?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, it's regular.
Sheldon Cooper: Nice. Kick a man when he's down.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: So, what kind of cruise is this you're going on?
Mary Cooper: It's called The Born-Again Boat-ride. 'Christian Quarterly' gave it their highest rating, five thorny crowns. I do wish you'd come with me, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Uh, well, Mom, if I did, it would be conclusive proof that your God can work miracles.
Mary Cooper: You're missing out; it's going to be wall-to-wall fun; it's all themed. There's Jonah and the Whale-watching. All you can eat Last Supper buffet. And, my personal favorite, Gunning with God.
Leonard Hofstadter: What's Gunning with God? I'm afraid to ask.
Mary Cooper: Oh, it is a hoot-and-a-half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire 'em up in the air, and you pulverize 'em with a 12-gauge shotgun full of our Lord's forgiveness.
Sheldon Cooper: Frankly, Mom, I'm encouraged to see how advanced your group has become. You're willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.
Mary Cooper: For example, if Shelly was aboard, he'd write 'smart-mouth' on his pigeon. And then *BAM*!
Sheldon Cooper: The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Does this mean you're not going to sing 'Soft Kitty'?
Mary Cooper: No, I will always sing you 'Soft Kitty'.
[sings]
Mary Cooper: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.
Leonard Hofstadter: [sticks his head in the door] Mru. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the ov...
Sheldon Cooper: [snaps] Get out!
[Sheldon leaves]
Mary Cooper: Well, that was rude.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.
Mary Cooper: [sings] Happy kitty, sleepy kitty...
Sheldon Cooper: What are you trying to pull, Mom? From the top.
Mary Cooper: [looking upwards] This is what I'm talking about.
[sings]
Mary Cooper: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.

Penny: Now, I'm going out tonight; would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I'm gonna wear?
Mary Cooper: Oh, not crazy at all, and don't beat yourself up. When I was your age you could have me for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine.
Sheldon Cooper: [to himself] That will not be in this week's email blast.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Luminous Fish Effect (#1.4)" (2007)
Mary: Honey, why did you get a loom?
Sheldon: I was working with luminous fish and I thought... hey. Loom.

Leonard: Howard brought a date?
Sheldon: A plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an incredible leap forward.

Sheldon: I can't believe he fired me.
Leonard: Well, you did call him a glorified high-school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.
Sheldon: In my defense, I prefaced that by saying, "with all due respect."

Penny: How come you didn't go into work today?
Sheldon: I'm taking a sabbatical, because I won't kowtow to mediocre minds.
Penny: So you got canned, huh?
Sheldon: Theoretical physicists do not get canned... but, yeah.

Sheldon: Mom, what are you doing here?
Mary: Leonard called me.
Sheldon: I know, but why?
Leonard: Because one of the great minds of the 21st Century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving serapes.
Sheldon: This is not a serape. This is a poncho! A serape is open to the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho! And neither is a reason to call someone's mother!

Sheldon: The last department party, Professor Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.
Leonard: Yes, I was there.
Sheldon: Do you know what's interesting about caves, Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Nothing.

Leonard: Hey, how did it go?
Sheldon: I got my job back.
Leonard: Really? What happened?
Sheldon: I'm not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me.
Leonard: That narrows it down.

Mary: You know how your daddy used to say that you can only fish for so long before you gotta throw a stick of dynamite in the water?
Sheldon: Yes.
Mary: [Opens Sheldon's wardrobe and starts to get his clothes out] Well, I'm done fishing.

Penny: When one door closes another one opens.
Sheldon: No it doesn't. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays or there are motion sensors involved.

Mary: I have been telling you since you were four years old, it's okay to be smarter than everybody else, but you can't go around pointing it out.
Sheldon: Why?
Mary: Because people don't like it!

Leonard: So... fish.
Sheldon: I read an article about Japanese scientists who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals and I thought, hey, fish night lights.

[first lines]
Sheldon: You know, I've been thinking about time travel again.
Leonard: Why? Did you hit a roadblock with invisibility?
Sheldon: Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine I would just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.
Leonard: Interesting.
Sheldon: Yeah, it really takes the pressure off.

Sheldon: [reluctantly apologizing to Dr. Gablehauser] We may have gotten off on the wrong foot when I called you an idiot. And I just wanted to say that I was wrong... to point it out.

Sheldon: The thing about tomatoes - and I think you'll really enjoy this - is they're shelved with the vegetables, but they're technically a fruit.
Penny: Mm, interesting.
Sheldon: Isn't it?
Penny: No, I mean what you find enjoyable.

[last lines]
Mary: [tucking Sheldon into bed] I'm very proud of you, honey; you showed a lot of courage today.
Sheldon: Thanks, Mom.
[she starts to leave]
Sheldon: Mom.
Mary: Mm-hm?
Sheldon: Is Dr. Gablehauser going to be my new daddy?
Mary: We'll see. Sleep tight.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Justice League Recombination (#4.11)" (2010)
Zack: You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out that if you kill a starfish, it'll just come back to life.
Sheldon Cooper: Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.
Zack: No, I'm almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show. They also said dolphins might be smarter than people.
Leonard Hofstadter: They might be smarter than some people.
Zack: Maybe we can do an experiment to find out.
Sheldon Cooper: That's easy enough. We need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-sized treats you find tasty.
[the guys laugh at him]
Zack: I don't get it.
Leonard Hofstadter: A dolphin might.
Zack: Oh, I see. You guys are inferring that I'm stupid.
Sheldon Cooper: That's not correct. We were implying it. You then inferred it.

Penny: I'm still mad at you.
Zack: Well, you won't be when you hear the great news.
Penny: What great news?
Zack: We're going to a costume party at the comic book store on New Years Eve, and you get to be Wonder Woman.
Sheldon Cooper: Complete with bulletproof bracelets and lasso of truth. Invisible plane sold separately.

Howard Wolowitz: [in gravelly voice] I'm Batman.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I hardly think so. The real Caped Crusader calls his crime-fighting cohorts when he's running late.
Howard Wolowitz: I had to walk. I couldn't get Raj on the back of my scooter.
[Raj walks inside in his Aquaman costume with attached seahorse]
Raj Koothrappali: I've said this before and I'll say it again, Aquaman sucks.

Penny: What the hell is wrong with you?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm The Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times.

Raj Koothrappali: Oh, great. No Superman, no Wonder Woman? All we've got is a skinny Flash, an Indian Aquaman, a nearsighted Green Lantern, and a teeny, tiny Dark Knight.
Sheldon Cooper: Obviously, we're no longer a Justice League. We have no choice but to switch to our Muppet Baby costumes.
Raj Koothrappali: Ooh, I call Kermit.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm Kermit. You're Scooter.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, man. Scooter sucks. He's the Aquaman of the Muppet Babies.

Howard Wolowitz: Okay, the good news is, we have a Wonder Woman.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh.
Raj Koothrappali: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: What's the bad news?
Howard Wolowitz: Superman probably isn't getting laid tonight.
Zack: [Looks down at his Superman costume] Aw, damn.

[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Look, I know our winter thermostat setting is seventy-two degrees, but I'm a little warm so I'm going to turn it down.
Sheldon Cooper: [runs to the Grand Canyon as The Flash] Good Lord, how you frustrate me, Leonard Hofstadter!
[runs back to the apartment and becomes himself]
Sheldon Cooper: Fine.

Sheldon Cooper: Amy Farrah Fowler doesn't believe in wearing costumes. She isn't the free spirit I am.

Sheldon Cooper: Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.
Penny: Goodbye, Sheldon!
[slams the door]
Sheldon Cooper: But they're not blond, so put on your wig!

Zack: I haven't been to a comic book store in literally a million years.
Sheldon Cooper: Literally? Literally a million years?

Zack: Look up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane.
[Zack jumps into Sheldon and Leonard's apartment in his Superman costume]
Zack: I forget the rest.
Penny: [Enters wearing a Wonder Woman costume with a low-cut top] All right. Let's get this thing over with.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry. But in what universe is Wonder Woman blonde?
Howard Wolowitz: Relax. No one's gonna be looking at her hair.
[Penny punches Wolowitz in his shoulder]
Howard Wolowitz: Ow! I mean...
Howard Wolowitz: [in gravelly voice] Ow.

[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: [playing a card] Water Demon.
Howard Wolowitz: [playing a card] Ice Dragon.
Leonard Hofstadter: [playing a card] Lesser Warlord of Ka'a.
Sheldon Cooper: Not so fast.
[playing a card]
Sheldon Cooper: Infinite Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: Infinite Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Infinite Sheldon, it beats all other cards - and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.
Leonard Hofstadter: You understand why people don't want to play with you?
Sheldon Cooper: No. Although it's a question I've been pondering since preschool.

Leonard Hofstadter: [about apologizing to Zack] What would I even say?
Sheldon Cooper: "Zack, I'm sorry you're stupid. Have a Milk Dud."
Raj Koothrappali: A Milk Dud?
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah. Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavor are the most apologetic of the boxed candies.

Howard Wolowitz: Check it out; those guys are breaking into that car'
Leonard Hofstadter: What should we do?
Sheldon Cooper: We're the Justice League of America. There's only one thing we *can* do: turn around and slowly walk away.

Zack: [entering the comic book store] Where do they keep the Archies?
Sheldon Cooper: In the bedrooms of ten-year-old girls, where they belong.
Zack: Oh, no, you're thinking old-school Archie. It's much more sophisticated now. Like, there's two universes, and Archie's married to Betty in one and Veronica in the other. Midge is even breaking up with Moose.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Agreement Dissection (#4.21)" (2011)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Fair warning: we can get crazy.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah. Last week, we smoked cigars and pretended to be dragons.
Sheldon Cooper: Really, Amy? Tobacco and alcohol? Need I remind you not a lot of scientific discoveries were made by people having a good time?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [to Penny] Why did you bring him? He's harshing my buzz.

Sheldon Cooper: In the South, preadolescent children are forced through a process called cotillion, which indoctrinates them with all the social graces and dance skills needed to function in 18th century Vienna.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, are you in the shower?
Leonard Hofstadter: I can't hear you! I'm in the shower!
Sheldon Cooper: I asked if you were in the shower, but that's moot now!
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Moot! Rendered unimportant by recent events!
Leonard Hofstadter: I can't hear you! I'm in the shower!

Sheldon Cooper: I have to skip the chit-chat. Emergency.
Leonard Hofstadter: What kind of emergency?
Sheldon Cooper: Mathematical. 32 ounce banana smoothie, 16 ounce bladder.

Sheldon Cooper: This is Greek food? Leonard, you hate Greek food.
Leonard Hofstadter: Not as much as you.
Sheldon Cooper: fine. I'm nothing if not adaptable.
Leonard Hofstadter: I got you the lamb kabob.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you.
[Sheldon takes a bite and begins to chew vigorously]
Sheldon Cooper: If you think about it, Greek food isn't that far from Italian food. They share a spice palette.
[Chews]
Sheldon Cooper: And what a civilization is the Greeks'.
[Chews some more]
Sheldon Cooper: They gave us science, democracy... and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat.
[Spits out kabob]

Sheldon Cooper: The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb. Congratulations, pizza night will now be at your apartment. Order one.
Penny: I'm sorry, honey, I'm meeting Amy and Bernadette for dinner. You're welcome to tag along.
Sheldon Cooper: A girl's night? Oh, I don't know if I'm up for an evening talking about rainbows, unicorns, and menstrual cramps.
Penny: Okay, suit yourself. We'll probably be trashing Priya a little.
Sheldon Cooper: Shotgun!

Amy Farrah Fowler: You smell like baby powder.
Sheldon Cooper: It's talc. But as that's the primary ingredient in baby powder, I understand your confusion.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, I'm not confused at all. You're like a sexy toddler.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know how to process that.

Amy Farrah Fowler: How come, if we're the smart people, we don't do this every night?
Sheldon Cooper: What's 16 times 14?
Amy Farrah Fowler: My burps taste like cranberry juice.
Sheldon Cooper: And there's your answer.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Would you like to come in for a nightcap?
Sheldon Cooper: If you're referring to the beverage, you know I don't drink. If you're referring to the hat you don while wearing a night shirt and holding a candle, I have one.

Sheldon Cooper: You may have gone to Cambridge, but I am an honorary graduate of Starfleet Academy.

Sheldon Cooper: Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield"?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterprise and kill them both unless he gave in?
Sheldon Cooper: Affirmative. Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.

Sheldon Cooper: It's hard to say no to Yoo-Hoo. The name literally beckons.

Sheldon Cooper: Good morning, Amy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It most assuredly is not.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you experiencing dehydration, headache, nausea, and shame?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes. I also found a Korean man's business card tucked into my cleavage. What happened last night?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, memory impairment. The free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. Last night, you gave me some excellent advice regarding my problem here at home. You kissed me, and then vomited on and off for 40 minutes, following which you passed out on your bathroom floor. I then folded a towel under your head as a pillow, set your oven clock to the correct time because it was driving me crazy, and I left.

Leonard Hofstadter: [as Sheldon counts down the "self destruct sequence"] It's blackmail!
Priya Koothrappali: We give up.
Leonard Hofstadter: This is ridiculous.
[unplugs the laptop]
Sheldon Cooper: It's a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him?

[last lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: [yells at her screeching monkey] They were out of menthol; get off my back!
[to Sheldon]
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's not easy living with a temperamental little primate.
Leonard Hofstadter: [off-screen] C'mon, Priya, just admit I embarrass you!
Sheldon Cooper: You're preaching to the choir, sister.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Bat Jar Conjecture (#1.13)" (2008)
Sheldon: What rat have you recruited to the U.S.S. Sinking Ship?
Leslie Winkle: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Leslie Winkle.
Leslie Winkle: Yeah. Leslie Winkle. The answer to the question, "Who made Sheldon Cooper cry like a little girl?"
Sheldon: Yes, well... I'm polymerized tree sap and you're an inorganic adhesive, so whatever verbal projectile you launch in my direction is reflected off of me, returns on its original trajectory and adheres to you.
Leslie Winkle: [sarcastically] Oh, ouch.

Leonard: [Sheldon tries to sit on the couch] Sorry, somebody is sitting there.
Sheldon: Who?
Leonard: [triumphantly] My physics bowl trophy!
Sheldon: That trophy is meaningless. I forfeited, therefore, you did not win.
Leonard: I know someone who would disagree.
Sheldon: Who?
Leonard: [triumphantly louder] My physics bowl trophy!
Leonard: [trophy is "speaking"] Leonard is so smart! Sheldon who?

Dmitri: [Dmitri rings in on the final question in the physics bowl] The answer is minus eight pi alpha.
Sheldon: Hang on, hang on a second, that is not our answer! What are you doing?
Dmitri: [wearily] Answering question; winning physics bowl.
Sheldon: How do *you* know anything about physics?
Dmitri: Here I am janitor. In former Soviet Union, I am physicist; Leningrad Polytechnica - Go Polar Bears.

Sheldon: You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition? Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary? Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle? Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?

Leonard: Do I have to quote Spock's dying words to you? The needs of the many...
Howard Wolowitz: ...outweigh the needs of the few...
Sheldon: ...or the one. Damn it, I'll do it.
[does Vulcan salute]

Howard Wolowitz: Maybe I should answer the engineering questions. I am an engineer, after all.
Sheldon: By that logic, I should answer all the anthropology questions because I'm a mammal.

Sheldon: Well... At this point I should inform you, I intend to form my own team and will destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particular chaos to tears.
Leonard: Thanks for the heads up.
Sheldon: You're welcome. One more thing.
Leonard: Yes?
Sheldon: It's on, bitch!

Howard Wolowitz: Oooh... more details about the new Star Trek film. There's going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth.
Raj Koothrappali: I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception.
Sheldon: Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating - or if you will, pon farr... is an extremely private matter.
Leonard: Still, I'd like to know the details. His mother was human, his father was Vulcan. They couldn't just 'conceive'.
Howard Wolowitz: Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Can you imagine Spock's dad in a little room with a copy of "Pointy Ears and Shapely Rears"?
Raj Koothrappali: How come on Star Trek everybody's private parts are the same? No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, "Hey, get your thing out of my nose".

Sheldon: [discussing their team name for the Physics Bowl] Teams are traditionally named after fierce creatures, thus intimidating one's opponent.
Raj Koothrappali: Then we could be the "Bengal Tigers."
Sheldon: Poor choice. Gram for gram, no animal exceeds the relative fighting strength of the army ant.
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe so. But you can't incinerate a Bengal tiger with a magnifying glass.

Leonard: Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Because it's polite.
Sheldon: What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?
Penny: Leonard, you said I only had to *ask* questions.

Penny: Tweety bird tawt he taw a what?
Sheldon Cooper: Romulan.
Penny: [sarcastically] Yes, he tawt he taw a Romulan.

Dr. Eric Gablehauser: First question. For ten points: What is the isospin singlet partner of the pi-zero meson?
[Leonard and Sheldon ring in]
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: PMS?
Leonard: The eta meson.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: Correct.
[the audience applauds]
Sheldon: Formal protest.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: On what grounds?
Sheldon: The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: Denied.

Leonard: Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team?
Sheldon: I don't understand the question.

Sheldon: The objective of the competition is to give correct answers. If I know them, why shouldn't I give them?
Howard Wolowitz: Some of us might have the correct answers, too.
Sheldon: [scoffing] Oh, please. You don't even have a Ph.D.
Howard Wolowitz: [standing up angrily] All right, that's it!
Leonard: Howard, sit down.
Howard Wolowitz: [sitting down submissively] Okay.

Dr. Eric Gablehauser: AA, I need your official answer.
Sheldon: [regarding Dmitri ringing in] Well, it's not what he said.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: Than what is it?
Sheldon: I want a different question.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: You can't have a different question.
Sheldon: Formal protest.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: Denied.
Sheldon: Informal protest.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: Denied. I need your official answer.
Sheldon: No. I decline to provide one.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: Well, that's too bad, because the answer your teammate gave was correct.
Sheldon: That's your opinion.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Lunar Excitation (#3.23)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night.
Penny: Yeah, sorry about that.
Sheldon Cooper: As a native Texan, I must say I've never heard the phrase 'yeeehaw' used in quite that context.
Penny: Oh God!
[she leaves]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, God. That I've heard on multiple occasions.

Sheldon Cooper: When one gets beaten up every other day in school, one of necessity develops a keen sense of hearing. Incidentally, one can get beaten up in school simply by referring to oneself as one.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: OK, we've got power to the laser.
Sheldon Cooper: I should have brought an umbrella.
Leonard Hofstadter: What for? It's not going to rain.
Sheldon Cooper: I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moonburn is a real possibility.
Howard Wolowitz: That's a bazinga, right?
Sheldon Cooper: One of my best, don't you think?

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard. Leonard. What is that? What is that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Relax, it's just a dirty sock.
Sheldon Cooper: How on earth can you can say "dirty sock" and "relax" in the same sentence?

Zack: One question. How can you be sure it won't blow up?
Leonard Hofstadter: The laser?
Zack: The moon!
Sheldon Cooper: See, now this is a man for Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's a great question, Zack!
Sheldon Cooper: No, it's not!
Penny: Sheldon, play nice.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, it's not a great question! How could someone possibly think we're going to blow up the moon? That's a great question.
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Zack] Don't worry about the moon. We... , we set our laser to stun.

Leonard Hofstadter: She didn't dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.
Sheldon Cooper: I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographic location.
Howard Wolowitz: Well, it's very simple. Leonard was living in a little town called Please Don't Leave Me, while Penny had just moved to the island of Buh-Bye.

Sheldon Cooper: In what universe is this low pulp?

Sheldon Cooper: In what universe is that lightly toasted?

Sheldon Cooper: I have no difficulty believing you're not butter.

Zack: That's your big experiment? All that for a line on a screen?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, but, uh, think about what this represents. The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitively proving that there are man-made objects on the moon, put there by a member of a species that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane.
Zack: What species is that?
Sheldon Cooper: I was wrong. Penny can do better.

Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon, I've hidden the dirty sock from the roof somewhere in your apartment. Unless you're willing to come with us to meet this girl, it will remain there... forever.
Sheldon Cooper: You're bluffing.
Raj Koothrappali: Are you willing to risk it?
Sheldon Cooper: Curse you.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: In a few minutes when I gloat over the failure of this enterprise, how would you prefer I do it? The standard "I told you so" with the classic neener-neener, or just my normal look of haughty derision?
[makes a face]
Raj Koothrappali: You don't know we're wrong yet.
Sheldon Cooper: Haughty derision it is.
[makes the same face again]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Excuse me. I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you have been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey on the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I'm being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.
Amy Farrah Fowler: If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.
Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.
Sheldon Cooper: Well then, you might want to avoid East Texas.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Noted. Now before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact, up to and including coitus, are off the table.
Sheldon Cooper: May I buy you a beverage?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Tepid water, please.
[Sheldon and Amy walk over to the counter]
Howard Wolowitz: [to Raj] Good God, what have we done?

Penny: Damn you, you rat bastard!
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you drunk?
Penny: Zack was a perfectly nice guy and then you *ruined* him!
Leonard Hofstadter: How did I ruin him?
Penny: 'Cause in the olden days I never would have known he was so stupid.
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, he wasn't that stupid.
Penny: Yes he *was*! He thought you were going to blow up the *moon*!
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, yeah, he's stupid
[laughs]
Penny: He spent the entire night bragging about how *he* invented the word appeteezers!
Leonard Hofstadter: [still laughing] Well, how is that my fault?
Penny: You have destroyed my ability to tolerate idiots, now come with me.
[grabs Leonard's hand and starts pulling him behind her]
Leonard Hofstadter: W-where are we going?
Penny: [shouts] We're gonna have *SEX*!
Leonard Hofstadter: Wha- I mean oh, OK.
Sheldon Cooper: [comes out of his bedroom] What's going on?
Penny: Put on your noise cancelling headphones, this is gonna get *loud*.
Sheldon Cooper: Ach, not *this* again.
[goes back into his room]

Sheldon Cooper: But for the record, I only drink hot chocolate in months with an R in them.
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: What's life without whimsy.

Zack: Is that the laser? Bitchin'.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, in 1917 when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper "Zur Quantentheorie der Strahlung," his fondest hope was that the resultant device be bitchin'.
Zack: Well, mission accomplished.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Rothman Disintegration (#5.17)" (2012)
Leonard Hofstadter: Why is there a hole here?
Sheldon Cooper: Why is there a hole in my new office? I've narrowed it down to two possibilities. There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or, the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.

Sheldon Cooper: [at the urinals at work] Kripke.
Barry Kripke: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: You're in my spot.

Barry Kripke: How does it work?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, it's very simple. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates Lizard, Lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaperizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Barry Kripke: I'm sorry, can you repeat that?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, of course. Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock, rock crushes Lizard, Lizard poisons Spock, Spock smashes scissors, scissors decapitates Lizard, Lizard eats paper, paper disproves Spock, Spock vaperizes rock, and as it always has, rock crushes scissors.
Barry Kripke: Almost got it. One more time?
Sheldon Cooper: Sure! Scissors cuts paper, paper covers rock...
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper: ...rock crushes...
Howard Wolowitz: Stop. He's screwing with you.
Sheldon Cooper: Is he? Well, then, seems we have reached an impasse. I see no other option than to challenge you to a duel. I'd smack you with a glove, but just last week, I packed away my winter things.

Sheldon Cooper: I see no other option but to challenge you to a duel. I'd smack you with a glove, but just last week, I packed away my winter things.

Leonard Hofstadter: Alright, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins. Any questions? Yes, Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: Five what?

Sheldon Cooper: And let him win? Do I look crazy to you?

Howard Wolowitz: It's a shame Professor Rothman was forced to step down.
Leonard Hofstadter: What choice did the university have? He snapped. It happens to theoretical physicists all the time.
Howard Wolowitz: I wonder how long Sheldon's got?
Sheldon Cooper: These shrimp are all the same size. There is no logical order to eat them in.
[Throws shrimp away]
Leonard Hofstadter: It can't be very long.

Sheldon Cooper: This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.
Leonard Hofstadter: You just called dibs.
Sheldon Cooper: Shut it.

Sheldon Cooper: [Knock on door] Ooh. That'll be Kripke.
Leonard Hofstadter: What's he doing here?
Sheldon Cooper: We're going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn't work, I'm going to poison his tea.

Leonard Hofstadter: There's not much you're both equally good at.
Raj Koothrappali: Is there anything you're both equally bad at?
Sheldon Cooper, Barry Kripke: Sports.

Sheldon Cooper: Use the force, Sheldon. Use the force.
[Throws ball, it falls short of the basket]
Sheldon Cooper: I'm gonna need more force.

Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon was higher.
Leonard Hofstadter: Congratulations Sheldon. You win the office.
Sheldon Cooper: Who's unsatisfactory in P.E. now?

Sheldon Cooper: Ah, the spoils. I can see why victors love them.

Sheldon Cooper: Mr. Rothman, this isn't your office anymore. You're retired.
Professor Rothman: I think the word you're looking for is invisible.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Sheldon has gotten his head stuck in a hole in his office wall] Why would you do that?
Sheldon Cooper: I wanted to see what was inside.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: It's called scientific curiosity!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Relationship Diremption (#7.20)" (2014)
Penny: OK, I get it. Not all the jibber jabber in the middle. I know what it's like to put your heart and soul into something and get nothing out of it.
Sheldon Cooper: You mean your acting career.
Penny: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Your relationship with Leonard.
Penny: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Your failed attempt to go back to college.
Penny: NO! I'm saying your string theory sounds like a relationship and I know what it's like to be in one and realize it's never going to turn out the way you want.
Sheldon Cooper: I said Leonard. You said no.
Penny: I'm talking about other guys.
Sheldon Cooper: OK. Well. What do you do?
Penny: I just have to have the courage to end the relationship. You know, break it off, shake hands, walk away.

Sheldon Cooper: It suggests that I set these on fire , but the smell of burning books reminds me too much of church picnics in East Texas.

Sheldon Cooper: But now I realize I was just a simple country boy seduced by a big city theory with variables in all the right places.

Leonard Hofstadter: As you sure you want to do this?
Sheldon Cooper: The magazine article suggests that one of the ways to get over a breakup is a new look.
Leonard Hofstadter: What about your old look? Well groomed ventriloquist doll.
Penny: [Using Sheldon as a doll] OH my God. I do look like that!

Sheldon Cooper: I suppose I could see myself in a scientific boy band - of course I'd be the dreamy one and the smart one.

Amy Farrah Fowler: What did you do?
Penny: I gave him a new look. It's cute, huh?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, it's cute: that's the problem. I don't need other girls to see him walking around like sex on a stick.
Sheldon Cooper: She's right. I'm too hot.

Penny: What's wrong with geology?
Sheldon Cooper: Let me put this in a way you'll understand Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren't real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.

Sheldon Cooper: I didn't seek out string theory. It just hit me over the head one day.
Amy Farrah Fowler: How did that happen?
Sheldon Cooper: A bully chased me through the school library and he hit me over the head with the biggest book he could find.

Leonard Hofstadter: [In the morning Sheldon walks in with a GEOLOGY book] How you feeling?
Sheldon Cooper: Not so good.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you going to introduce me to your friend?
Sheldon Cooper: It's not my friend. Nothing happened.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know. I heard you reading pretty loud last night.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh dear lord. Where's Amy?
Leonard Hofstadter: After she put you to bed, she went home.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh. I should call her and apologize. Oh no.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Apparently, I called Stephen Hawking last night.

Penny: You're up early.
Sheldon Cooper: I couldn't sleep last night.
Penny: I told you those Walking Dead pillow cases were a bad idea.

Penny: So how do you want your hair cut?
Sheldon Cooper: Bill Gates meets Nikola Tesla.
Leonard Hofstadter: So business in front, science in the back?

Leonard Hofstadter: What about loop quantum gravity?
Sheldon Cooper: [High-pitched voice] Ooh, look at me! I'm the duchess! My quantum gravity is so loopy!
Penny: Who's the duchess?
Leonard Hofstadter: One of the people living inside his head.

Sheldon Cooper: [knock-knock-knock] Empty room.
[Knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Empty room.
[Knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Empty room. If someone says "come in", I'll freak out.

Voicemail: Next message.
Sheldon Cooper: It's me again. I gave up string theory. You should give up black holes and we could totally solve crimes together.
Voicemail: Next message.
Sheldon Cooper: You know what's great? Geology! Look at this geode! That's fun to say. Gee-ode. Gee-ode.
Voicemail: Next message.
Sheldon Cooper: Gee-ode. Gee-ode. I kiss girls now.
Voicemail: Next message.
Sheldon Cooper: Hey, guess who I am? Beep-bop-boop-bop! I'm you! Get it?
Voicemail: Next message.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you mad at me? Oh, no! You're mad at me! I'm so sorry! Beep-bop-boop-bop!
Voicemail: Next message.
Sheldon Cooper: Thiospinel sulfide. Thiospinel sulfide. That's even more fun to say than gee-ode. Hey, did you see the new Lego Movie?
Stephen Hawking: What a jackass.

Barry Kripke: ...there actuawwy was some big stwing theowy news today out of the Hadwon Cowwider.
Sheldon Cooper: Really? Did they find evidence to support extra dimensions or supersymmetry?
Barry Kripke: No, but they did find evidence that you'll bewieve
[laughing]
Barry Kripke: anything.
Sheldon Cooper: Why would you do that? You're a string theorist as well.
Barry Kripke: Incowwect; I am a stwing pwagmatist. I say I'm going to pwove something that cannot be pwoved, I appwy for gwant money, and then I spend it on wiquor and bwoads.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Euclid Alternative (#2.5)" (2008)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Good morning, Leonard!
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh-huh.
Sheldon Cooper: We're going to have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work. I bought these Star Wars sheets, but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night's sleep. I don't like the way Darth Vader stares at me.

Sheldon Cooper: But, how am I going to get to work?
Leonard Hofstadter: Take the bus.
Sheldon Cooper: I can't take the bus anymore. They don't have seat belts, and they won't let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.
Leonard Hofstadter: You tried to lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords?
Sheldon Cooper: I didn't try. I succeeded.

Sheldon Cooper: Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on the cellphone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one's reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.
Penny: Do you have any alcohol?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course not.
Penny: Too bad.

Leonard Hofstadter: Penny's taking you to the DMV; I'm going to bed.
Sheldon Cooper: Why Penny?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because rock breaks scissors. Good night.

Sheldon Cooper: I still don't see why I need a driver's license. Albert Einstein never had a driver's license.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, but Albert Einstein didn't make me wet myself at 40 miles an hour.
Penny: Yeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts.

Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, but I have some concerns about these questions.
Octavia: Look at that sign up there.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes?
Octavia: Does it say I give a damn?
Sheldon Cooper: No.
Octavia: That's because I don't.

Penny: [Sheldon doesn't have a driving license] Why didn't you just get a license at sixteen, like everybody else?
Sheldon Cooper: I was otherwise engaged.
Penny: Doing what?
Sheldon Cooper: Examining perturbative amplitudes in n=4 supersymmetric theories, leading to a reexamination of the ultraviolet properties of multi-loop n=8 supergravity, using modern twistor theory.
Penny: Well, how about when you were seventeen?

Leonard Hofstadter: Didn't I tell you I'd be working nights and that you'd have to make other arrangements?
Sheldon Cooper: You did.
Leonard Hofstadter: And?
Sheldon Cooper: I didn't.

Sheldon Cooper: [about a driving simulation] Now, are there airbags?
Leonard Hofstadter: You don't need airbags!
Sheldon Cooper: But what if a simulated van rear-ends me?
Penny: I'll hit you in the face with a pillow.

Octavia: Application?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm actually more of a theorist.
Howard Wolowitz: The application in your hand, give it to her.

Leonard: You're a big boy, you'll figure it out.
Sheldon: Don't talk to me like I'm a child. Now take me to return my Star Wars sheets!

Leonard Hofstadter: [Sheldon's on a driving simulator and it's a disaster] How'd you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale Galleria?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know. I was on the Pasadena freeway and missed my exit, flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another.
Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe you wanna give it a rest and try again tomorrow.
Sheldon Cooper: No. I quit.
[gets off the simulator but forgets to turn it off]
Leonard Hofstadter: [sounds of a horrifying crash, then various animals] Oh, the pet store.
Sheldon Cooper: Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it's amazingly detailed.

Sheldon Cooper: Well, no, now, I'm not going to go so far as to say that I represent a distinct new stage in humankind, you know, a Homo Novis, if you will, no, that's for anthropologists to decide. But I am convinced that the reason I cannot master the plebeian task of driving is because I'm not meant to.

Sheldon Cooper: Your check engine light is on.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon Cooper: Typically that's an indicator to, you know, check your engine.
Penny: It's fine, it's been on for, like, a month.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.
Penny: Sheldon, it's fine.
Sheldon Cooper: If it were fine, the light wouldn't be on. That's why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it's not fine.
Penny: Uh, maybe the light's broken.
Sheldon Cooper: Is there a "check the check engine light light"?

[last lines]
Sheldon: You saw nothing!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Financial Permeability (#2.14)" (2009)
Sheldon Cooper: All right, these theaters have to be eliminated.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why, they're state of the art. Digital projection, 20 channel surround sound...
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my agressive letter writing campaign I might add.

Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I guess we only have one option.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Yepp, I don't see any way around it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Bye, Sheldon.
Howard Wolowitz: See ya.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Later, dude.
[All exit, leaving Sheldon alone]
Sheldon Cooper: They're right. It was the only option.

Sheldon Cooper: If you recall, I pointed out the check engine light to you several months ago.
Penny: The check engine light is fine, it's still blinking away. It's the stupid engine that stopped working.

Sheldon Cooper: Take some.
Penny: Don't be silly.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm never silly.

Sheldon Cooper: I don't see any large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.
Penny: Are they working on that?
Sheldon Cooper: I sincerely hope so.

Sheldon Cooper: I've been giving the matter some thought, and I think I'd be willing to be a house pet to a race of superintelligent aliens.
Leonard Hofstadter: Interesting.
Sheldon Cooper: Ask me why?
Leonard Hofstadter: Do I have to?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course, that's how you move a conversation forward.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: The learning opportunities would be abundant, additionally, I like having my belly scratched.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, Penny. How's work.
Penny: Great! I hope I'm a waitress at the Cheescake Factory for my whole life!
Sheldon Cooper: Was that sarcasm?
Penny: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Was *that* sarcasm?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Was that sarcasm?
Leonard Hofstadter: Stop it!

Sheldon Cooper: In case either of you have larceny in your heart, you should know that I have moved my money out of the snake can.
Leonard Hofstadter: But if you're ever short, there's always a couple of fifties in Green Lantern's ass.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, you guys want to go on a real live quest?
Sheldon Cooper: Outside? But I just made cocoa.

Leonard Hofstadter: You play a game to simulate adventure, but when there's real adventure out there in the real world, you just wimp out!
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants.
Leonard Hofstadter: I do.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you sure? Because your proposal suggests that you don't.

Sheldon: I was wrong. Minstrels will write songs about *you*.
Leonard: [sarcastically] Great.
Sheldon: [singing] There once was a brave lad named Leonard. With a fi-fi-fiddle-dee-dee. He faced a fearsome giant. While Raj just wanted to pee.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, I don't understand what social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance in how to proceed.

Leonard Hofstadter: You clearly did something to aggrevate her!
Sheldon Cooper: I'm at a loss. If you like, you can review my daily log of social interactions. And see if there's a blunder I overlooked.

Penny: Is Leonard around?
Sheldon: He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I'm sorry, I don't understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?
Penny: The building manager's showing an apartment downstairs, and I haven't paid my rent.
Sheldon: Oh, I see. Penny, I'm not sure I'm comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.
Penny: It's no big deal. I'm just a little behind on my bills because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down.

Penny: Okay. Well, thank you. Oh, God, no, I can't. Sheldon honey, I don't want things to be weird between us.
Sheldon: Won't it also be weird if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you're living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water?
Penny: I'll pay you back as soon as I can.
Sheldon: Of course you will. It's impossible to pay me back sooner than you can. Assuming you subscribe to a linear understanding of time and causality.
Penny: I'm regretting this already.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Ornithophobia Diffusion (#5.9)" (2011)
Leonard Hofstadter: [after Sheldon freaking out about the bird] Sheldon, just ignore him.
Sheldon Cooper: Good idea! Attention is what birds want.

Leonard Hofstadter: Do you think I'm overdressed?
Sheldon Cooper: Depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. To play in Vegas, I'd add sequins.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm going to the movies with Penny. I don't want her to think that I think it's a date.
Sheldon Cooper: Do you think it's a date?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. But she might think that I think it's a date even though I don't.
Sheldon Cooper: Or you might think she thinks you think it's a date even though she doesn't.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you overthinking this?
Sheldon Cooper: Not at all.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're right. I'm fine. I'm wearing this.
Sheldon Cooper: Really? A blazer? All right.

Sheldon Cooper: This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. I'm at 2311 North Robles Avenue. I'd like to report a dangerous wild animal. A blue jay. I'm sorry, this is Animal Control, I don't understand the laughter. No, the bird is not in my home. If he was in my home, I obviously would have called 911.

Sheldon Cooper: Age seven, a blood-thirsty chicken chases me up a tree. Age 12, a magpie tries to steal the retainer out of my mouth. Age 16, a parrot in a pet store calls me fat ass. Need I go on?
Raj Koothrappali: Yes, please. This is way better than the movie.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [picking up the bird] He's a sweetie.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, it's very sweet. Now, slowly and carefully... flush him down the toilet.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, the only way to get past this fear is to interact with it. Just like you did with the mailman.

Sheldon Cooper: [after touching the bird] I did it! I actually did it... Okay, now flush him.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I still think he looks like someone's pet. Maybe we should put up posters.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. It should have a big picture of him and the words: "Is this your bird? Not anymore."

Sheldon Cooper: [as the bird flies out the window] Get back here, you stupid bird, so I can love you!

Sheldon Cooper: Quick, what does a hawk sound like?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, I don't know... Scree! Scree!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. That's a seagull.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Wearing a t-shirt, jeans and a backwards baseball cap] Too casual?
Sheldon Cooper: For an audience with the Queen, yes. For an evening of passing a bottle of fortified wine around a flaming trashcan, you look great.

Howard Wolowitz: All right Sheldon, your bird death ray is ready.
Sheldon Cooper: It's not a death ray. It's just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off. Trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn't be living here. I'd be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray.

Sheldon Cooper: This is ridiculous. I'm a grown man from Texas. This isn't a terrifying bird like a swan or a goose. It's just a blue jay.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, what do you expect us to do?
Sheldon Cooper: You're biologists. Biology is the study of living things. That's a living thing. Get crackin'.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I specialize with microorganisms, and Amy studies brains.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, neither of us minored in bird shooing.

Sheldon Cooper: [talking to a blue jay] If you were a dove, I'd call you Lovey Dovey. Oh, who am I kidding? This isn't a moment for strict adherence to the literal. You're just my Lovey Dovey, aren't you?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Guess you gotta have hollow bones to get some sugar around here.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Contraction (#5.15)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship and strips down the Roommate Agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities, and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. "S'up?"
Leonard Hofstadter: Where do I sign?
Sheldon Cooper: Right here.
[turns his tablet around]
Sheldon Cooper: Use your finger.
Leonard Hofstadter: There, done.
Sheldon Cooper: All right, that's it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are now merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story: You have not got a friend in me!

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, Canada is not going to invade California
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?

Sheldon Cooper: Now, put on your hard had and safety vest.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, fun! I get to spend another night in front of our apartment dressed like one of The Village people.
Sheldon Cooper: You make that joke every three months; I still don't get it.

Sheldon Cooper: I'll tell you exactly how he did. Readiness, unsatisfactory; follows direction, barely; attitude, a little too much. Overall, not only will he probably die in a fiery inferno, his incessant whining would most certainly spoil everyone else's day.

Sheldon Cooper: An 8.2 magnitude earthquake devastates Pasadena, reducing mighty edifices to dust, engulfing the city in flames, the streets flow with blood and echo with the cries of the wounded. Oh, excellent choice!

Sheldon Cooper: Two years ago, after a deep gum cleaning, I thought I got on a bus, but somehow wound up on a booze cruise to Mexico.

Penny: I got some candles in my apartment.
Sheldon Cooper: Candles, during a blackout! Are you mad! That's a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water & Power recommends the far safer glow stick.
Leonard Hofstadter: You call that a glow stick?
[Pulls out a glowing lightsaber replica]
Leonard Hofstadter: That is a glow stick.

Sheldon Cooper: I was just sitting at home, thinking about how it might be nice to catch up with my ninth favorite person.
Stuart: Ninth?
Sheldon Cooper: You moved up one. My pen pal in Somalia was kidnapped by pirates.

Leonard Hofstadter: It's just a blackout. I'm sure the power'll be back on soon.
Sheldon Cooper: And I'm sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.

[first lines]
[Sheldon sounds a virtual klaxon in Leonard's bedroom]
Leonard Hofstadter: Yahhh! What the hell!
Sheldon Cooper: Emergency preparedness drill.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, no, come on!
Sheldon Cooper: You know how it works. Once a quarter; keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine sleepyhead, half the town is probably dead.
Leonard Hofstadter: I have to get a lock for my door.

Sheldon Cooper: My apologies. I would have been here sooner, but the bus kept stopping for other people to get on it.

Sheldon Cooper: So, um. how are you?
Stuart: Uh, not so good; my shrink just killed himself. Blamed me in the note.
Sheldon Cooper: Great, great.

Sheldon Cooper: He'll be back. Wine and a girl in the dark; he's going to be bored out of his mind.

Sheldon Cooper: So, uh, how are you?
Stuart: Not so good. My shrink just killed himself. Blamed me in the note.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Big Bran Hypothesis (#1.2)" (2007)
Sheldon: Oh, gravity, thou art a heartless bitch.

Sheldon: [in a deep voice] If you have time to lean, you have time to clean.

Sheldon: I am truly sorry for what happened last night. I take full responsibility and I hope it won't color your opinion of Leonard, who is not only a wonderful guy but also, I hear, a gentle and thorough lover.

Leonard: Do you wanna join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?
Penny: Wow, a marathon, how many Superman movies are there?
Sheldon: You're kidding, right?
Penny: You know, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her. Which one was that?
Leonard, Sheldon, Wolowitz: *One.*
[Raj holds up one finger]
Sheldon: You know that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy?
Penny: Yes, I know men can't fly...
Sheldon: No, no, let's assume that they can... Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second... Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel... Miss Lane, who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles an hour, hits them and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.
Leonard: Unless Superman matches her speed and decelerates.
Sheldon: In what space, sir, in what space? She's two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he'd let her hit the pavement. It'd be a more merciful death.
Leonard: Well, excuse me! Your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman's flight is a feat of strength.
Sheldon: Are you listening to yourself? It is well established that Superman's flight is a feat of strength. It is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth's yellow sun!
Wolowitz: And you don't have a problem with that? How does he fly at night?
Sheldon: Uh, a combination of the Moon's solar reflection, and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.
Penny: I'm just gonna go wash up.
Leonard: I have 26 hundred comic books in there; I challenge you to find a single reference to "Kryptonian skin cells."
Sheldon: Challenge accepted!
[walks to door]
Sheldon: We're locked out...
Koothrappali: Also, the pretty girl left.

Leonard: Men do things for women without expecting sex.
Sheldon: Those would be men who just had sex.

Leonard: Any ideas?
Sheldon: Yes, but they all require a green lantern and a power ring.

Leonard: Sheldon, this is not your home.
Sheldon: Look, this is not anyone's home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy!

Leonard: You convinced me. Maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.
Sheldon: You don't think that crosses the line?
Leonard: Yes... For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to... hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?
Sheldon: You have a sarcasm sign?

Leonard: I guess we will just bring it up ourselves.
Sheldon: I hardly think so.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: We don't have a dolly or lifting belts or any measurable upper body strength.

Leonard: Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort organize and label the entire world around them?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Well, they don't. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don't sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fiber content.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, but I think we've both found that helpful at times.

Leonard: Do you realize that if Penny wakes up there is no reasonable explanation as to why we're here.
Sheldon: I just gave you a reasonable explanation.
Leonard: No, you gave me an explanation; its reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.
Sheldon: Don't be ridiculous... I have no peers.

Penny: You came into my apartment last night while I was sleeping?
Leonard: Yes, but only to clean.
Sheldon: Really more to organize. You're not actually dirty, per se.
Penny: Give me back my key.
[Leonard hands said key back]
Leonard: I'm very, very sorry.
Penny: Do you understand how creepy this is?
Leonard: Uh, yes. We discussed it at length last night.
Penny: In my apartment? While I was *sleeping*?
Sheldon: And snoring. And that's probably just a sinus infection. But it could be sleep apnea. You might wanna see an otorhinolaryngologist. The throat doctor.
Penny: And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?
Sheldon: Depending on the depth, that's either a proctologist or a general surgeon.
[behind Penny, Leonard holds up a piece of paper with "sarcasm" scribbled on it]
Sheldon: Oh.

Penny: Was it hard to get it up the stairs?
Sheldon: Pfffff...
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: No.

Sheldon: Great Caesar's ghost! Look at this place.
Leonard: So Penny's a little messy.
Sheldon: A little messy! The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little mess- this is chaos!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Benefactor Factor (#4.15)" (2011)
[Amy is trying to convince Sheldon to attend a fund raiser, which he has skipped because he feels it's demeaning]
Amy Farrah Fowler: If your friends are unconvincing, this year's donations might go to, say, the Geology Department.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, dear! Not the dirt people!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Or worse. It could go to: the liberal arts.
Sheldon Cooper: No!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Millions of dollars being showered on poets, literary theorists, and students of gender studies.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, the Humanities!

[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: Here's what I wonder about zombies:
[the others groan]
Raj Koothrappali: What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.
Howard Wolowitz: You take this one. I spent an hour last night on "How do vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror?"
Sheldon Cooper: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, okay. So, zombies.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj. Are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like in '28 Days', if those zombies didn't eat the starved.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, you're thinking of '28 Days Later'. '28 Days' is where Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state.

President Siebert: [Putting his arms around Sheldon and Leonard's shoulders] How are we doing today?
Sheldon Cooper: That depends. How much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?
President Siebert: Sorry, Dr. Cooper, I forgot you have a touch phobia.
Sheldon Cooper: It's not a touch phobia, it's a germ phobia. If you'd like to go put on a pair of latex gloves, I'll let you check me for a hernia.

Sheldon Cooper: Just because the nice man is offering you candy doesn't mean you should jump into his windowless van.

Sheldon Cooper: I refuse to be trotted out and shown off like a prize hog at the Texas State Fair, which, by the way, is something you don't want to attend wearing a Star Trek ensign's uniform.

Leonard Hofstadter: She wants to have dinner and talk about my research.
Sheldon Cooper: An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where are you going, the drive-thru at Jack In the Box?

Sheldon Cooper: Given how much time you spend engaging in pointless self-abuse, you might consider just this once using your genitalia to actually accomplish something!

Sheldon Cooper: I think you have a real knack for gigolo work, Leonard.

Sheldon Cooper: [answering the phone] Cooper-Hofstadter residence; go for Cooper.
Sheldon Cooper: Good morning, Mrs. Latham.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, of course I remember you; a woman well past her prime seeking to augment her social status by doling out her late husbands ill-gotten gains.
Sheldon Cooper: So, how much money you going to give me?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, if you're not going to give me money, then why are you calling?
Sheldon Cooper: [passes the phone to Leonard] She wants to talk to you. Who's crazy now?

Leonard Hofstadter: Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump...
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, wow!
Howard Wolowitz: Yess!
Leonard Hofstadter: Then she stuck her tongue down my throat.
Sheldon Cooper: Why?
Penny: Okay, we can't keep explaining everything. Read that book we got you.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I didn't do it for the money.
Sheldon Cooper: She stiffed you?
Penny: I believe that's what your roommate did to *her*.
Sheldon Cooper: What?
Penny: Again, read the book we gave you!

Sheldon Cooper: No. No. No. I'm just here for your money. I don't want to shake anyone's germy hands.

Sheldon Cooper: Tell him Dr. Cooper feels that the best use of his time is to employ his rare and precious mental faculties to tear the mask off nature and stare at the face of God.

Sheldon Cooper: Penny, you're an expert at exchanging sexual favors for material gain. Walk him through this.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Pants Alternative (#3.18)" (2010)
Sheldon: Problem.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can't give a speech.
Howard Wolowitz: No, you're mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can't do is shut up.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, before the movie you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking.

Raj Koothrappali: OK, Sheldon, I'm going to be leading you through a series of meditation exercises. These methods come from the ancient gurus of India and have helped me overcome my own fears.
Sheldon: And yet you can't speak to women.
Raj Koothrappali: True, but thanks to meditation I'm able to stay in the same room with them without urinating.

[last lines]
Sheldon: [watching his speech on Youtube] Oh, Lord! This couldn't be any more humiliating.
Leonard: Aah, give it a minute.
Sheldon: [on Youtube] Now, for the astronomers in the audience, get ready to see the dark side of the moon. And here's Uranus.

Sheldon: Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? To get to the same side. BAZINGA!

Sheldon: Hello? I know you're out there. I can hear you metabolising oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide!

Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the Administration Office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year's Chancellor's Award for Science.
Sheldon: And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again. I'm the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I'll play. What self-important, preening *fraud* are they honoring this year?
Leonard: Well, I'm so glad you asked it like that: You.

Sheldon: I'm perfectly comfortable speaking to small groups. I cannot speak to large crowds.
Howard Wolowitz: What to you is a large crowd?
Sheldon: Any group big enough to trample me to death. General rule of thumb is 36 adults or 70 children.

Penny: So, whadda ya say, Sheldon, are we your X-Men?
Sheldon: No, the X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.

Sheldon: I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?
Penny: It'll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I'm feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt, and I have a whole new outlook on life.
Sheldon: Don't you eventually realize you're just the same stressed-out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?
Penny: Yep, that's when I buy shoes.

Leonard: So, Sheldon. How ya doing?
Sheldon: That's how you start a psychotherapy session. How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my baloney at Ralph's.

Sheldon: Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams?
Leonard: Um; I don't know, maybe.
Sheldon: I recently had a dream that I was a giant, but everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.
Leonard: How did you know you were a giant, if everything was to scale?
Sheldon: I was wearing size a million pants.

Sheldon: A neutron walks into a bar and asks, "How much for a drink?" The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

Sheldon: A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me. If the children can't run, leave them behind. Oh, the simulated horror!
[Door slams]
Sheldon: Raj? Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.

Sheldon: I am the William Shatner of theoretical physics.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Fuzzy Boots Corollary (#1.3)" (2007)
Leonard: I didn't like the look of the guy that she was with.
Wolowitz: Because he looks better than you?
Leonard: Yeah. He was kind of dreamy.
Sheldon: Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smoldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her and analyze the data so that you don't crash into geek mountain again.

Leonard: I'm a perfectly nice guy! There's no reason we couldn't go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe we could go for a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common: You love pottery? I love pottery! There's a pause-we both know what's happening-I lean in and we kiss; it's a little tentative at first, but then I realize she's kissing me back and she's biting my lower lip, you know? She wants me! This thing is going the distance, we're going to have sex! Oh, God, oh my GOD!
[Leonard descends into a panic attack]
Sheldon: Is the sex starting now?

Wolowitz: Sheldon, if you were a robot, and I knew and you didn't, would you want me to tell you?
Sheldon: That depends. When I learn that I'm a robot, will I be able to handle it?
Wolowitz: Maybe, although the history of science fiction is not on your side.
Sheldon: Uh, let me ask you this: when I learn that I'm a robot, would I be bound by Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?
Koothrappali: You might be bound by them right now.
Wolowitz: That's true. Have you ever harmed a human being, or, through inaction, allowed a human being to come to harm?
Sheldon: Of course not.
Koothrappali: Have you ever harmed yourself or allowed yourself to be harmed except in cases where a human being would've been endangered?
Sheldon: Well, no.
Wolowitz: I smell robot.

Leonard: Hey, what's going on?
Sheldon: Internet's been down for half an hour.
Koothrappali: Also, Sheldon may be a robot.

Sheldon: I think that you have as much of a chance of having a sexual relationship with Penny as the Hubble Telescope does of discovering that in the center of every black hole there's a little man with a flashlight searching for a circuit breaker.

Sheldon: There is no more Sheldon, I am the Sword Master!

[about Leonard dating Penny]
Leonard: Oh you know what maybe this isn't such a good idea.
Sheldon: Oh no, no, no well, no. There's always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgment on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.

Sheldon: So? How was your date?
Leonard: Awesome!
Sheldon: Score one for liquor and poor judgment.

Sheldon: I'm all sweaty. Anybody want to log on to Second Life? I just had a swimming pool built.
Wolowitz: No, thank you. I can't stand to look at you or your avatar right now.

Sheldon: Do you really think that your relationship needs will be fulfilled by a genetically altered cat?
Leonard: Maybe, if it's a cute, cuddly cat.

Leonard: Can you tell that I'm sweating?
Sheldon: No, the crescent-shaped stains under your armpits conceal it quite nicely.

[Leonard is depressed over seeing Penny with another guy and is handling it by listening to emo music and considering buying a cat. He enters with headphones on singing "Boston" by Augustana, badly]
Leonard: 'She said you don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah... '
Sheldon: Oh, good Lord.
Leonard: 'She said you don't know me, you don't wear my chaaaiiins, oh yeah... '
[takes off headphones]
Leonard: That's a good song!
Sheldon: If you're compiling a mix CD for a double suicide.

Sheldon: Oh, I hope that scratching post is for you!

Howard Wolowitz: [Leonard, Sheldon, Howard & Raj are on their laptops playing an online role playing game] All right, just a few more feet and...
[pause]
Howard Wolowitz: Here we are gentlemen, the Gates Of Elzebub.
Sheldon: Good lord!
Leonard: Don't panic, this is what the last 97 hours have been about.
Howard Wolowitz: Stay frosty. There's a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword Of Azeroth.
Leonard: Warriors, unsheathe your weapons. Magic wielders, raise your wands.
Sheldon: Lock and load.
Howard Wolowitz: Raj, blow the gates.
Raj Koothrappali: Blowing the gates.
[pressing keys]
Raj Koothrappali: Control, shift, B.
[sound of the gates blowing]
Raj Koothrappali: Oh my God, so many goblins!
Howard Wolowitz: Don't just stand there, slash and move! Slash and move!
Leonard: Stay in formation!
Howard Wolowitz: Leonard, you've got one on your tail!
Leonard: That's all right, my tail's prehensile, I'll swat him off!
Raj Koothrappali: I got him Leonard. Tonight, I spice my meat with goblin blood!
Leonard: Raj, no, it's a trap! Thay're flanking us!
Raj Koothrappali: [in a wimpy tone] Oh, he's got me.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, he's got Raj, use your sleep spell! Sheldon!
[changes to an annoyed whisper]
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon!
Sheldon: I've got the Sword Of Azeroth!
Leonard: Forget the sword Sheldon, help Raj.
Sheldon: There is no more Sheldon! I am the sword master!
Howard Wolowitz: Leonard look out!
Leonard: Damn it man, we're dying here!
Sheldon: Goodbye peasents.
Leonard: The bastard teleported.
Raj Koothrappali: [looks at Sheldon's screen] He's selling the sword of Azeroth on eBay.
Leonard: You betrayed us for money? Who are you?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification (#4.2)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: At my age, do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die?
Leonard Hofstadter: At the hands of your roommate?
Sheldon Cooper: An accident.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, that's how I'm gonna make it look.

Sheldon Cooper: You're my 15th favorite technological visionary.
Steve Wozniak: Only 15th?
Sheldon Cooper: It's still 6 spots above Steve Jobs. I care neither for turtlenecks nor showmanship.
Steve Wozniak: Yeah, I never got that turtleneck thing.
Sheldon Cooper: One of my proudest possessions is a vintage 1977 Apple II. Despite the file system limitations of Apple DOS 3.3, it was a pretty nifty little achievement.
Steve Wozniak: Thanks. We were shooting for nifty. You know if you had it here, I'd autograph it for you.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't move for 15 to 30 minutes depending on how the buses are running.
Steve Wozniak: Nerds.

[Sheldon joins the others for dinner as his new "Shel-bot."]
Sheldon Cooper: Greetings, friends.
Leonard Hofstadter: Greetings, whatever-the-hell you are.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Whatcha doing there? Working on a new plan to catch the Road Runner?
Sheldon Cooper: The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
[Sheldon gives a gasping derisive laugh]
Sheldon Cooper: What I'm doing here is trying to determine when I'm going to die.
Leonard Hofstadter: A lot of people are working on that research.

Sheldon Cooper: In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.
Penny: Wait, cybernetics is robot stuff, right?
Sheldon Cooper: Correct.
Penny: So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot?
Sheldon Cooper: Essentially, yes.
Penny: OK, here's my question. Didn't you already do that?

Sheldon Cooper: I'm going to miss so much. A unified field theory, cold fusion, the dogapus.
Leonard Hofstadter: What's a dogapus?
Sheldon Cooper: A hybrid dog and octopus. Man's underwater best friend.
Leonard Hofstadter: There's somebody working on that?
Sheldon Cooper: I was going to! I planned on giving it to myself on my three-hundredth birthday.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wait a minute, you *hate* dogs.
Sheldon Cooper: A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls. No one can hate that.

Sheldon Cooper: [Thinks he has appendicitis] So this is how it ends... with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: I do, and yet I'm doomed while you live on.
Leonard Hofstadter: Funny how things work out, isn't it?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh Lord, I think it's about to burst!
[Loud fart]
Sheldon Cooper: On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.
Leonard Hofstadter: Good night.
[Sheldon goes back to his room]
Sheldon Cooper: Good night. Appendicitis. What a nervous Nelly.

Howard Wolowitz: [Raj just whispered something to him] You're right. Penny jogs, maybe you guys can run together.
Sheldon Cooper: That's an excellent idea! Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.
Penny: [unimpressed] No, it won't.

Penny: [Sheldon just fell down the stairs] Oh my god, are you okay?
Sheldon Cooper: I think so.
Penny: Let me help you up.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you.
[Very loud fart]
Penny: Oh, Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper: If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer cruciferous vegetable night.

Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon's virtual presence device has no arms] Leonard, my door.
Leonard Hofstadter: What about it?
Sheldon Cooper: Be a lamb and open it for me.
Leonard Hofstadter: [feigning ignorance] Why? What's the problem?
Sheldon Cooper: You think you have me stymied, don't you?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I think a doorknob has you stymied.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, this is ridiculous.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm behind you. Please look at me when you're talking to me.
Leonard Hofstadter: I am looking at you.
Sheldon Cooper: No, you're not. Pay *no* attention to that man in the bed.

[last lines]
Penny: What up, Shelbot?
Sheldon Cooper: I can't get out of bed. I hurt my ankle.
Penny: What do you want me to do?
Penny: Sing me 'Soft Kitty'.
Penny: Really? You want me to sing 'Soft Kitty' to a computer monitor?
Sheldon Cooper: Would you rather come over and sing it to me in person?
Penny: [singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur...
Sheldon Cooper: Closer to the microphone.
Penny: Happy kitty, pretty ki...
Sheldon Cooper: No, you have to start over.
Penny: [singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur
[Sheldon starts playing his recorder]
Penny: Happy kitty, pretty kitty, purr, purr, purr.

Sheldon Cooper: Raj, be a lamb and open the door for me.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, sure.
[Raj opens the door for Sheldon's virtual presence device]
Sheldon Cooper: [to Leonard] He's a lamb. You're not.
Raj Koothrappali: [proudly] I'm a lamb.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Isolation Permutation (#5.8)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: Ladies, please. These four walls once housed an intellectual salon where the mind received nourishment as well as the stomach. But through no one's fault... Penny... the quality of dinner conversation in this apartment has declined. And again, I'm looking at no one in particular... Penny.

Sheldon Cooper: I can't seem to get in touch with Amy! I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her... Nothing!
Leonard Hofstadter: D'you try calling her on the telephone?
Sheldon Cooper: The telephone...!
[pauses]
Sheldon Cooper: Y'know... Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all.

Sheldon Cooper: [outraged] The two of you need to get your women in line!
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Last night, I was strong armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler, this on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space time geometry in higher spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals Penny and Bernadette went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory, or my Lego fun time!
Howard Wolowitz: What do you want us to do about it?
Sheldon Cooper: You clearly weren't listening to my topic sentence: Get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right! I am a man of science, not someone's snuggle bunny!
Leonard Hofstadter: Why do I have to talk to Penny? She's not my girlfriend.
Sheldon Cooper: You invited her to lunch four years ago. Everything about her is on you, you make it so!

Amy Farrah Fowler: Hey, Cuddles!
Leonard Hofstadter: Cuddles?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, Cuddles. We cuddled. Grow up, Leonard.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon! What would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, take me across the street to that motel and have your way with me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, Sheldon, what would it take?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm begging both of you, please, let's go!

Amy Farrah Fowler: Wait for moi.
Sheldon Cooper: You're leaving?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, sometimes you forget. I'm a lady, and with that comes an estrogen-fueled need to page through thick, glossy magazines that make me hate my body.

Sheldon Cooper: New topic: Women. Delightfully mysterious, or batcrap crazy?

Amy Farrah Fowler: Proposal: one wild night of torrid lovemaking that soothes my soul and inflames my loins.
Sheldon Cooper: Counter-proposal: I will gently stroke your head and repeat "Aww, who's a good Amy?"
Amy Farrah Fowler: How about this? French kissing. Seven minutes in heaven, culminating in second base.
Sheldon Cooper: Neck massage, then you get me that beverage.
Amy Farrah Fowler: We cuddle. Final offer.
Sheldon Cooper: Very well.

Sheldon Cooper: [Phone rings] Did you know that when Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, he proposed answering it with "Ahoy?"
[Answers phone]
Sheldon Cooper: Ahoy? I like it.

Sheldon Cooper: It would seem Amy is drunk in a liquor store parking lot.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really? Amy?
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, be glad you can't keep a woman; they are a handful.

[Talking to Amy]
Sheldon Cooper: Would you like to talk about it? And keep in mind that no is a perfectly viable answer.

Sheldon Cooper: [hearing Amy singing] She sounds weepy. I don't like weepy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, wait. Amy is your friend. Step up.
[knock knock knock]
Leonard Hofstadter: Amy.
[knock knock knock]
Leonard Hofstadter: Amy.
[knock knock knock]
Leonard Hofstadter: Amy. See you.
Sheldon Cooper: [Leonard turns to leave] Wait, where are you going?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm single; I don't need this crap.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Wait, Sheldon, what would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, and take me across the steet to that motel and have your way with me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah Sheldon, what would it take?
Sheldon: I'm begging both of you, let's go.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Vacation Solution (#5.16)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm excited to work with my boyfriend. It's going to be be romantic.
Sheldon Cooper: Way to kill the mood.

Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me! You have Dr. Sheldon Cooper in your lab. You're gonna make him do dishes? That's like asking the Incredible Hulk to open a pickle jar!

Amy Farrah Fowler: Are we nervous, Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon Cooper: No. What you see is a man trembling with confidence... Does the locus coeruleus normally bleed that much?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No. But your thumb does.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh dear!
[faints]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, *you're* a biologist.

Sheldon Cooper: I have plenty of experience in biology. I bought a Tamagotchi in 1998, and... it's still alive.

Sheldon Cooper: Here you go! This is now the only lab with glassware washed by a man with two doctorates and a restraining order signed by Carl Sagan.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Gentlemen, I think I've come up with a fun way to get young people interested in science. Physics Mad Libs. Now, give me a number.
Leonard Hofstadter: Five.
Sheldon Cooper: Un-huh. And an irrational constant.
Howard Wolowitz: E.
Sheldon Cooper: And a funny Greek letter.
Raj Koothrappali: Gamma.
Sheldon Cooper: I said funny.
Raj Koothrappali: Upsilon?
Sheldon Cooper: Good one! And an electrical charge.
Leonard Hofstadter: Positive.
Sheldon Cooper: Ha. Perfect. Get this.
[reads]
Sheldon Cooper: Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of
[laughs]
Sheldon Cooper: E to the upsilon as in a
[breaks up laughing]
Sheldon Cooper: Okay, no no, ahem. I'll start over. Professor Jo-
[breaks up laughing again]

Howard Wolowitz: I haven't seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.
Sheldon Cooper: [laughing] Oh, oh lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one, but he didn't!
Leonard Hofstadter: It's not funny. That mistake got published.
Sheldon Cooper: Stop! I'm going to wet myself!

President Siebert: So then I'll see you all on Monday. Except for you.
Sheldon Cooper: But if I don't come in to work, what am I supposed to do with myself?
President Siebert: Read, rest, travel. I hear Afghanistan is nice this time of year.
Sheldon Cooper: Sarcasm?
Howard Wolowitz: [sarcastically] No, you should go.

Sheldon Cooper: Hawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed. Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.

Sheldon Cooper: If the guard at the University asks what's under the blanket, you tell him it's some lobster traps.
Leonard Hofstadter: Lobster traps?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, that's how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm on vacation. Social convention dictates that I let my hair down at a local watering hole. Social convention is stupid.

Sheldon Cooper: There was something wrong with that detergent. That was way too bubbly.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, everybody takes vacations.
Sheldon Cooper: One time, they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend's biology lab.
Sheldon Cooper: [turns to Howard] Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan project.
Howard Wolowitz: Everyone in the world of science knows who Richard Feynman was.
Sheldon Cooper: Now you do too.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Gorilla Experiment (#3.10)" (2009)
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon is trying to teach Penny about physics, but she's having a rough go of it] Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I'm stupid!
Sheldon Cooper: That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and it makes me sad.

Leonard Hofstadter: Relax, it'll be fine. Sit down, you guys.
Leonard Hofstadter, Penny, Raj Koothrappali: [as Bernadette goes for Sheldon's spot] No!
Bernadette: What?
Penny: Oh, yeah. You can't sit there.
Bernadette: Why not?
Leonard Hofstadter: That's where Sheldon sits.
Bernadette: He can't sit somewhere else?
[from across the room Sheldon turns, stares and raises an eyebrow a freakishly long way]
Penny: Oh, no, no. You see, in the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator so that he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer, it's directly in the path of the cross breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television on an angle that isn't direct so he can still talk to everybody, yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.
Sheldon Cooper: Perhaps there's hope for you after all.

[first lines]
Penny: Hey, Leonard. Check this out.
[Throws a dumpling up in the air and catches it with her mouth]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, she's doing it again.
Leonard Hofstadter: I think it upsets Sheldon when you play with the food.
Sheldon Cooper: No, it upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution.
[Turns to Raj]
Sheldon Cooper: This is essentially why you have famine in India.
[Raj shakes his head no at Penny]
Penny: [Mouth open so the dumpling is visible] You want me to put it back?
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard...
Leonard Hofstadter: It upsets Sheldon when you play with the Sheldon.

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard's work is nearly as amazing as third graders growing Lima beans in wet paper towels.
[Raj whispers in Sheldon's ear]
Sheldon Cooper: While I appreciate the "Oh, snap!", I'm uncomfortable having your moist breath in my ear.

Sheldon Cooper: [after Raj beats him on Mario Kart] That's not fair! I got stuck behind a tree.
Raj Koothrappali: And a cow, and a penguin. Face it dude. Whether it's a real car or a virtual cartoon car, you can't drive.

Sheldon Cooper: Why can't Leonard teach you?
Penny: 'Cause I want to surprise him.
Sheldon Cooper: Can't you surprise him in some other way? For example, I'm sure he'd be delightfully taken aback if you cleaned your apartment.

Sheldon Cooper: Subject appears well rested and enthusiastic. Apparently, ignorance *is* bliss.

Sheldon Cooper: This is the beginning of the twenty-six hundred year journey we're going to take together from the ancient Greeks, through Isaac Newton, to Niels Bohr, to Erwin Schrödinger, to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.

Sheldon Cooper: And what do we know from this?
Penny: Um. We know that... Newton was a really smart cookie. Oh, is that where Fig Newtons come from?
Sheldon Cooper: No, Fig Newtons are named after a small town in Massachusetts. Don't write that down!

Penny: Look, can we just please forget about all this extra stuff, and can you just tell me what Leonard does?
Sheldon Cooper: All right. Leonard is attempting to learn why sub-atomic particles move the way they do.
Penny: Really? That's it? Well, that doesn't sound so complicated.
Sheldon Cooper: It's not. That's why Leonard does it.

Penny: Oh, come on, a smart guy like you; it'll be a challenge. You could make it like an experiment.
Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. I suppose if someone could teach sign language to Koko the gorilla... I could teach you some rudimentary physics.
Penny: Great! A little insulting, but great. I'll be Koko.
Sheldon Cooper: Not likely. Koko learned to understand over two thousand words, not one of which had anything to do with shoes.

Sheldon Cooper: [voiceover as he works at his laptop] Research Journal. Entry 1. I'm about to embark on one of the great challenges of my scientific career. Teaching Penny physics. I'm calling it: 'Project Gorilla'.

Penny: [Sheldon is giving her a long-winded history lesson on physics] I have to go to the bathroom.
Sheldon Cooper: Can't you hold it?
Penny: Not for 2600 years.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Monopolar Expedition (#2.23)" (2009)
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, boy.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: I can't comment without violating our agreement that I don't criticize your work.
Leonard Hofstadter: Then what was "Oh, boy"?
Sheldon Cooper: Great restraint on my part.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Corrects chart] There. How's that.
Sheldon Cooper: You actually had it right the first time. Once again, you have fallen for one of my classic pranks. Bazinga!

Leonard Hofstadter: Wait a minute! He offered to send you to the North Pole?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. In fact, he was quite enthusiastic. He said "frankly, if I could send you tonight, I would."

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, what words are there that I can say right now that will end this conversation so I can go back to sleep?
Sheldon Cooper: Odd. President Seibert posed the exact same question.
Leonard Hofstadter: How was the matter resolved?
Sheldon Cooper: It wasn't. Mrs. Seibert sic her dogs on me.

Leonard Hofstadter: She didn't seem that upset that I was going.
Sheldon Cooper: No. Did you think she was upset?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, good. I got one right. Are you upset?
Leonard Hofstadter: A little.
Sheldon Cooper: Two for two. I'm on fire.
Leonard Hofstadter: I know she's not my girlfriend or anything, but don't you think she'd feel a little bad that I'd be gone for the whole summer?
Sheldon Cooper: That feels like a bonus question. I'm going to stop right here and say I've had a great time.

Sheldon Cooper: Did Han Solo give up when Luke was lying in the frozen planet of Hoth? No! He slit open a tauntaun and used its internal body heat to keep warm.
Howard Wolowitz: You heard the man. Hold him down while I cut him open.

Sheldon Cooper: You're in my spot.
Howard Wolowitz: [to Rajesh] There's not time for a crossbow. Get me an icicle.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm at the horns of a dilemma. Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper, at the North Pole?
Leonard Hofstadter: Easy peasy. I'm doing it right now.

Sheldon Cooper: Howard, you will be practicing precision on the classic children's game Operation. You shall start by... removing the funny bone for $200.
Howard Wolowitz: And to think I went to MIT for this.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, can I talk to you for a minute?
Sheldon Cooper: [waking up] I want another cookie, Meemaw.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's just me
Sheldon Cooper: But Meemaw was just making cookies.

[a comment Penny made has given Leonard second thoughts about going on the Arctic expedition]
Sheldon Cooper: Her missing you is an emotional state you find desirable.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, obviously.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. Well, given that missing you is predicated on you leaving, logic dictates you must leave.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, okay, but I'm gonna be gone for three months. What if she doesn't miss me that long and she meets someone else?
Sheldon Cooper: She does have a short attention span.

Penny: Oh, Leonard, what time is it?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's 7 a.m. I'm sorry it's early, but we're leaving soon, and I needed to talk to you.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard Hofstadter: What did you mean when you said you're going to miss me?
Penny: Um, I don't know. You'll be gone and I'll notice.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, well, um, what about this? What does this mean?
Penny: Wine, credit card and late night television are a bad combination.
Leonard Hofstadter: All right, fine. What about that really long hug? What did that mean?
Penny: That wasn't a long hug.
Leonard Hofstadter: It was at least five Mississippis. A standard hug is two Mississippis tops.
Penny: Leonard, I don't know what to tell you. It was just a hug.
Leonard Hofstadter: Glad we cleared that up.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: I guess I'll see you.
Penny: Okay, have a safe trip.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you. Bye.
Penny: Okay, bye.
[Behind her door]
Penny: Means I wish you weren't going.

Howard Wolowitz: We're not really gonna go to the North Pole with him, are we?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm still within earshot. You might want to wait for my bedroom door to close.
[sound of Sheldon's door closing]
Howard Wolowitz: We're not really gonna go to the North Pole with him, are we?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Jerusalem Duality (#1.12)" (2008)
Sheldon Cooper: While Mr. Kim, by virtue of his youth and naiveté, has fallen prey to the inexplicable need for human contact, let me step in and assure you that my research will go on uninterrupted, and that social relationships will continue to baffle and repulse me.

Sheldon Cooper: I sense a disturbance in the Force.

Sheldon Cooper: Alright, and this is my office.
Dennis Kim: Is this part of the tour?
Sheldon Cooper: Nope. Goodbye.

Dennis Kim: [notices award certificate on wall of Sheldon's office] Wow! You won the Stevenson Award?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes! In fact, I am the youngest person ever to win it.
Dennis Kim: Really! How old?
Sheldon Cooper: Fourteen and a half.
Dennis Kim: Hm - you *were* the youngest person ever to win it.
Leonard Hofstadter: [grinning gleefully] It's like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn't it?

Sheldon Cooper: Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to... you know, that other guy.
Howard Wolowitz: Antonio Salieri?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, God! Now even you're smarter than me
Howard Wolowitz: You know, Sheldon, you don't have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them.

Sheldon Cooper: Engineering - this is where the semi-skilled workers realize the work of better minds. Hello, Oompah-Loompahs of science.

Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, I have a diploma in my office that says I have a masters degree in engineering.
Sheldon Cooper: You also have a note from your mother that says "I love you, Bubbleh", but neither is a convincing argument for titanium over nanotubes.

Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes?
Howard Wolowitz: Go away!
Sheldon Cooper: Did Leonard tell you to say that?
Howard Wolowitz: No, I thought of it all by myself.
Sheldon Cooper: It can't be a coincidence. There must be a causal link I'm missing.

Dr. Eric Gablehauser: Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Dennis Kim. Dennis is a... highly sought-after doctoral candidate, and we're hoping to have him do his graduate work here.
Leonard Hofstadter: Graduate work? Very impressive.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: And he's only 15 years old.
Sheldon Cooper: Not bad... I, myself, started graduate school at 14.
Dennis Kim: Well, I lost a year while my family was tunneling out of North Korea.

Sheldon: So, this is engineering, huh? Engineering, where the noble semi-skilled laborers execute the vision of those who think and dream. Hello Oompa Loompas of science!

Sheldon Cooper: Here is the problem with teleportation
Leonard Hofstadter: Lay it on me
Sheldon Cooper: Assuming a device could be invented, which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly. You would not have actually transported the individual, you would have destroyed him in one location and recreated him in another
Leonard Hofstadter: How about that
Sheldon Cooper: Personally, I would never use a transporter because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon
Leonard Hofstadter: Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: No, he would be exactly the same
Leonard Hofstadter: That is a problem

Sheldon: I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested

Sheldon Cooper: Something remarkable. Since my prospects for the Nobel Prize in physics have disappeared, thank you very much, I've decided to refocus my efforts and use my people skills to win the Nobel Peace Prize. Look, I'm going to solve the Middle-East Crisis by building an exact replica of Jerusalem in the middle of the Mexican desert.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: To what end?
Sheldon Cooper: You know, it's like the baseball movie, build it and they will come.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Vegas Renormalization (#2.21)" (2009)
Penny: [Sheldon has locked himself out of his apartment] I think the emergency key is around here somewhere.
Sheldon Cooper: We have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl.
Penny: So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place?
Sheldon Cooper: I left them in the bowl.

Sheldon Cooper: You know, I'm given to understand that there is an entire city in Nevada designed specifically to help people like Howard forget their problems. They replace them with new problems, such as alcoholism, gambling addiction, and sexually-transmitted diseases.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Is it me, or was that Sheldon's way of saying "Vegas, baby!"?

Leonard Hofstadter: Are you coming?
Sheldon Cooper: I'd rather have a blowfly lay eggs and hatch larvae in my auditory canal.
Leonard Hofstadter: Great, we'll bring you back a T-shirt.

Howard Wolowitz: Are you from the Star Wars universe?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Howard Wolowitz: Were you in the original trilogy?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Howard Wolowitz: Is there a picture of you in my wallet wearing a metal bikini?
Leonard Hofstadter: God, I hope not. And no, I'm not Princess Leia.
Rajesh Koothrappali: OK, OK, my turn. Are you in all six Star Wars movies?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Interesting. Are you a droid?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Do you kind of look like a shiny Sheldon?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes!
Rajesh Koothrappali: C-3PO!
Leonard Hofstadter: You got it!
Sheldon Cooper: [talking and moving in a manner reminiscent of C-3PO] That's preposterous. I do not resemble C-3PO! Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered. I just don't see it.

Sheldon Cooper: I believe it's my turn. You may begin your questions whenever you're ready.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Are you Spock?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't like this game.

Sheldon Cooper: While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude.
Penny: That's Superman's big ice thingy, right?
Sheldon Cooper: You know, I'm in such a good mood, I'm actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.

Sheldon Cooper: Is this conversation making you uncomfortable?
Penny: Of course it's making me uncomfortable! Can't you tell?
Sheldon Cooper: I really have no idea. I don't particularly excel at reading facial expressions, body langu...
Penny: I'm uncomfortable, Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you, that's very helpful.

[Penny and Sheldon are trying to make small talk while eating]
Sheldon Cooper: How was your day?
Penny: Well, they shifted my schedule around at the restaurant so my hours are gonna be a little different...
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, that's not going to interest me at all, just eat.

Sheldon Cooper: Penny, I realize you're also on your own tonight so if at some point you find yourself with nothing to do, please do not disturb me.

[last lines]
[after Penny lets Sheldon stay over when he locks himself out of his apartment]
Leonard Hofstadter: What were you doing at Penny's?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, we had dinner, uh, played some games, and then I spent the night. Oh, you'll be happy to know that I now have a *much* better understanding of "friends with benefits."

Sheldon Cooper: [Howard is crying after Leslie dumps him] I don't understand. If you were in a non-emotional relationship, then why are you having what appears to be an emotional response?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, he obviously had feelings for her.
Howard Wolowitz: Of course I had feelings for her. I saw her naked, for God's sake.

Penny: I just remembered where the emergency key is.
Sheldon Cooper: Where?
Penny: In your apartment.
Sheldon Cooper: What's it doing in my apartment?
Penny: I went in there a few weeks ago, and you guys weren't home and I forgot it there.
Sheldon Cooper: You went in my...? Why would...? What are you saying?
Penny: It's not a big deal. I was making coffee and I ran out of milk.
Sheldon Cooper: You're the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy, but I knew that carton felt lighter.

Sheldon Cooper: Are you suggesting I sleep on the couch?
Penny: Well, it wasn't the first suggestion that came to mind, but it's the one I'm going with.
Sheldon Cooper: I can't sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given its dimensions, I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering's beloved children's book "The Tall Man from Cornwall".
Penny: What?
Sheldon Cooper: [in rhyming couplets] There was a tall man from Cornwall/Whose length exceeded his bed/My body fits on it/But barely upon it/There's no room for my big Cornish head.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Cornhusker Vortex (#3.6)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon knows football?
Leonard Hofstadter: Apparently.
Howard Wolowitz: I mean Quidditch, sure. But football?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?
Sheldon Cooper: I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, Pee-Wee football; in fact, every form of football except the original: European football, which most Texans believe to be a commie plot.
Leonard Hofstadter: Unbelievable.
Sheldon Cooper: If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken.
Leonard Hofstadter: So you could teach me?
Sheldon Cooper: Football or chicken fried meats?
Leonard Hofstadter: Football! I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends, and I don't want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in.
Sheldon Cooper: If you want to blend in with Penny's friends, I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, please teach me football. It'll be fun!
Sheldon Cooper: That's exactly what my father said. "Come to the games! Watch the games!" Week in and week out, from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.

Leonard Hofstadter: Well, this sucks.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?
Rajesh Koothrappali: Leonard just realized that Penny's been hiding him from her friends because he's a tiny little man who flies kites.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that certainly would suck.

Rajesh Koothrappali: Sheldon, I don't suppose there's any chance you could give me kite back?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, Raj, but the rules of aerial warfare dictate that the fallen kite go to the victor, and without rules the competition has no meaning. And without meaning, the following would be an empty gesture: I have your kite! I have your kite!

Sheldon Cooper: All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that's how my father always began our football conversations. And if you'd like, after the game I'll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enought to a raccoon that it craps itself.

Leonard Hofstadter: When are you going to stop making Cylon toast?
Sheldon Cooper: When I have enough to destroy all the human toast on the Battlestar known as Galactica.

Sheldon Cooper: Is that what you're wearing to watch football at Penny's?
Leonard Hofstadter: What's wrong with a football jersey?
Sheldon Cooper: Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.
Leonard Hofstadter: It was the smallest size they had. Except the one for dogs. I can't believe they have one for dogs.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.

[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Rajesh Koothrappali: Kites ho! Kites ho! Kites ho!
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me. You're misusing the word "ho". It's an interjection used to call attention to a destination, not an object. As in, uh, "land ho!" or, uh, "westward ho!"
Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Rajesh Koothrappali: [after a beat] Kites ho!

Sheldon Cooper: Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny's peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I wouldn't put it exactly that way.
Sheldon Cooper: How would you put it?
Leonard Hofstadter: [pause] Yeah, okay, like you said.
Sheldon Cooper: Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don't you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term "ho."

Penny: Sheldon, come in.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you. I'd like to make a sandwich, but I'm out of bread.
Penny: There's some in the fridge.
Sheldon Cooper: You shouldn't keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.
Penny: On Earth, we say thank you.

Leonard Hofstadter: Why wouldn't Penny want her friends to meet me?
Sheldon Cooper: Focus, Leonard, focus. The heat of battle is upon us; the dogs of war unleashed.
Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe Koothrappali's right; maybe I embarrass her.
Sheldon Cooper: You're embarrassing me right now. A grown man worrying about such nonsense when in the middle of flying kites.

Sheldon Cooper: I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, peewee football, in fact, every form of football except the original, European football, which most Texans believe to be a Commie plot.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Anything Can Happen Recurrence (#7.21)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: Amy's sick.
Leonard Hofstadter: Aw, what's wrong with her?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, she talks a lot. She always wants to hold hands.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's not what I meant.
Sheldon Cooper: If you were refering to her illness, you should have asked "What ails her?"
Leonard Hofstadter: What ails her?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, who knows.

Sheldon Cooper: What can we do that's fun?
Leonard Hofstadter: What can we do that's different?
Penny: What can we do that's free?

Sheldon Cooper: So, we're just randomly choosing a restaurant without researching it online?
Penny: Yup.
Sheldon Cooper: Great. See, this is how Anything-Can-Happen Thursday turns into It-Won't-Stop-Coming-Up Friday.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, how about that Asian fusion place?
Sheldon Cooper: Fusion *and* Asians? I'm trying not to think about science.

Sheldon Cooper: There's only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life's problems, and that's an Oreo.

Sheldon Cooper: Have you ever paid for a meal?
Penny: Not with money.

Sheldon Cooper: [to the psychic] You know what this is? Yeah, and I reserve this word for those rare instances when it's *truly* deserved. This is malarkey.
[he storms out]
Penny: Wow, you really struck a nerve. I've never heard him use the 'M' word before.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I didn't expect you this evening.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, I was just feeling so bad about lying to you the other night, I... wanted to make it up to you.
Sheldon Cooper: And how do you propose to do that?
[Amy drops her coat to the floor, showing she is wearing a Catholic schoolgirl outfit]
Sheldon Cooper: Now, unless you have Gravity on Blu-ray under that skirt, I don't know where you're going with this.

Sheldon Cooper: I don't mean to be rude or discourteous, but before we begin, I'd just like to say there is absolutely no scientific evidence to support clairvoyance of any kind. Which means again, no insult intended, that you're a fraud, your profession is a swindle and your livelihood is depended upon the gullibility of stupid people. But again, no offense.
Penny: Sheldon, ask your question.
Sheldon Cooper: OK, I just did. What was it?
Penny: Oh, for God sakes. Look he's a physicist who trying to figure out what his next field of study should be.
Sheldon Cooper: For your information I was asking her about the next Star Trek movie.
Penny: I can answer that one. I'll be bored.
Ms. Davora: All right. Why don't we begin? Your spirit guide is telling me that there's a woman in your life that you're having problems with.
Sheldon Cooper: That's an easy guess. I'm a clearly annoying person and have problems with both genders.
Ms. Davora: I know. You clearly are. But I'm seeing a specific woman that you're in a romantic relationship with.
Penny: Oh, oh. Here we go.
Sheldon Cooper: The majority of people have dark hair. Even you at one time.
Ms. Davora: Does she work in a similar field to you?
Sheldon Cooper, Penny: Ha. The opposite. She's a neurobiologist, I'm a theoretical physicist. My spirit guide can go suck an egg.
Ms. Davora: They're telling me that you have difficulty being close with her.
Penny: Oh, he does. He so does. What should he do?
Ms. Davora: He should give himself to this relationship. Once he does all his other pursuits will come into focus.
Penny: Sheldon, did you hear that? Amy is the key to your happiness.
Ms. Davora: Exactly. Personally and professionally everything will fall into place once you commit to her.
Sheldon Cooper: Do you what this is? I reserve this word for those rear instances for it is truly deserving. This is malarkey.
Penny: Wow. You really struck a nerve. I never heard him use the M word before.

Penny: Hey, maybe the answer to your career question is in one of these
[fortune cookies]
Penny: .
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, there's only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life's problems and that's an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter if you're in a pinch.

Penny: [Sees Amy and Bernadette at a cafe] Son of a bitch! Bernadette isn't working late!
Sheldon Cooper: And Amy doesn't look sick.
Penny: Why would they lie to us?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know.
[Knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy and Bernadette.
[knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy and Bernadette.
[knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy and Bernadette. Why would you lie to us?

Sheldon Cooper: Uh...
Penny: What's wrong?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't understand my food. It's Chinese noodles, Korean barbecue, and a taco.
Penny: It's fusion.
Sheldon Cooper: My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity.

Penny: [Reads her fortune cookie] "People turn to you for guidance and wisdom." That's a good one.
Sheldon Cooper: No, it's not. Turn to you for guidance and wisdom? That cookie is clearly mocking you. You'd never get that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter.
Penny: Since you're paying for dinner, I'll let that slide.
[Gives Sheldon a cookie]
Penny: Read.
Sheldon Cooper: Have you ever paid for a meal?
Penny: Not with money. Read.
Sheldon Cooper: [Reads] "Your warm and fun-loving nature delights those around you."
Penny: Nope, try again.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Romance Resonance (#7.6)" (2013)
Penny: How come you've never done anything romantic to celebrate our first date?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, for starters, you've broken up with me so many times, which first date are we talking about?
Sheldon Cooper: Ooh, somebody call the burn ward.

Amy Farrah Fowler: What's wrong?
Sheldon Cooper: I've made a horrible mistake.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What are you talking about?
Sheldon Cooper: This table, it's in square centimeters. I read it as square meters. You know what that means?
Amy Farrah Fowler: That Americans can't handle the metric system?
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, I was off by a factor of ten thousand.
Amy Farrah Fowler: But the Chinese team found the element.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, well, they shouldn't have; my calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn't know about.
Amy Farrah Fowler: So you just got lucky?
Sheldon Cooper: Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky!
Amy Farrah Fowler: [mutters] You and me both, brother.

Sheldon Cooper: I've got to find a way to stop this thing.
Leonard Hofstadter: Buddy, I don't think you can. I mean, once it's out there, it's out there. This thing is like the science equivalent of a sex tape.
Sheldon Cooper: You know, frankly I'd prefer a sex tape.
Leonard Hofstadter: You don't know what a sex tape is, do you?
Sheldon Cooper: No.

Sheldon Cooper: Stop it! I don't need to take this admiration from the likes of you people. How do I make them stop loving me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Invite them to live with us.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy. Amy. Did you hear what I said?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Can't talk. In the zone.

Sheldon Cooper: This is the very copy of the Handbook of Chemistry and Physics in which I looked up the reaction rates of mendelevium and...
Amy Farrah Fowler: And what?
Sheldon Cooper: No. No, no, no, no.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What's wrong?
Sheldon Cooper: I've made a horrible mistake.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What are you talking about?
Sheldon Cooper: This table. It's in square centimeters. I read it in square meters. Do you know what that means?
Amy Farrah Fowler: That Americans can't handle the metric system?
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, I was off by a factor of ten thousand.
Amy Farrah Fowler: But the Chinese team found the element.
Sheldon Cooper: Well they shouldn't have, my calculations were wrong. There must be some resonance between the elements I didn't know about.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, you just got lucky?.
Sheldon Cooper: Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky!
Amy Farrah Fowler: You and me both, brother. It doesn't matter. The element was found because of you and that's ground breaking.
Sheldon Cooper: What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder. I'm not a genius. I'm a fraud.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, I get that you feel bad about all the attention, but still what you did is amazing. We're really proud of you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm not.
Sheldon Cooper: You're not?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I've been thinking about it and you're right. You don't deserve any credit. All you did was misread some numbers on a table. A very easy table, too. Honestly, I'm embarrassed for you.
Sheldon Cooper: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
Penny: Even he is better at this than me.
Sheldon Cooper: Congratulations Dr. Fowler, you made the fort.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes!
[Smiles]

Sheldon Cooper: It's all I can think about is how much I want to kiss you.

Howard Wolowitz: Next week is the anniversary of my first date with Bernadette.
Sheldon Cooper: Really don't care.
Howard Wolowitz: I want to do something special and I was hoping that you guys could be a part of it.
Penny: Oh, what horrible thing are you trying to make up for.
Howard Wolowitz: Putting something in the bank for what horrible thing I do next.

Penny: Hey. How come you never do anything romantic to celebrate our first date?.
Leonard Hofstadter: For starters you've broken up with me so many times which first date are we talking about?
Sheldon Cooper: Whoa. Somebody call the burn ward. And back to the zone.
Leonard Hofstadter: Besides I do romantic things for you all the time. Can you name me one romantic thing you've done for me?
Penny: I can name tons.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sex doesn't count.
Penny: Oh. I know, what about that bed and breakfast?
Leonard Hofstadter: I took you there. All you did...
Penny: I know what I did. I bet they had to throw out that rock museum. You know, I can be romantic if I want to.
Leonard Hofstadter: Fine and also not true.
Penny: OK, just you wait and see. I'm going to romance your fricking ass off.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's... is that Shakespeare?

Sheldon Cooper: I've got to find a way to stop this thing.
Leonard Hofstadter: Buddy, I don't think you can. I mean you know, once it's out there, it's out there. This thing's like the science equivalent of a sex tape.
Sheldon Cooper: Frankly, I would prefer a sex tape.
Leonard Hofstadter: You don't know what a sex tape is, do you?
Sheldon Cooper: No.

Sheldon Cooper: How do I make them stop loving me?
Leonard Hofstadter: You can invite them to live with us.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Lizard-Spock Expansion (#2.8)" (2008)
Sheldon Cooper: I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.

Raj Koothrappali: [Attempting to determine which Sci-fi show to watch the two heroes expand the rock-paper-scissors game] I'll tell you what. How about we go rock-paper-scissors?
Sheldon Cooper: Ooh, I don't think so. Anecdotal evidence suggests that in the game of rock-paper-scissors, players familiar with each other will tie 75 to 80% of the time due to the limited number of outcomes. I suggest rock-paper-scissors-lizard-Spock.
Raj Koothrappali: What?
Sheldon Cooper: It's very simple. Scissors cuts paper. Paper covers rock. Rock crushes lizard. Lizard poisons Spock. Spock smashes scissors. Scissors decapitates lizard. Lizard eats paper. Paper disproves Spock. Spock vaporizes rock. And as it always has, rock crushes scissors.

Raj Koothrappali: Are you joking? Star Trek V is the standard against which all badness is measured!
Sheldon Cooper: No; no, no. Star Trek V has specific failures in writing and direction while Star Trek I fails across the board: art direction, costuming, music, sound editing.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, but I'm not going to watch the Clone Wars TV series until I've seen the Clone Wars movie. I prefer to let George Lucas disappoint me in the order he intended.

Leonard Hofstadter: What's the emergency?
Howard Wolowitz: I got the Mars Rover stuck in a ditch.
Sheldon Cooper: Where?
Howard Wolowitz: On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield... Where do you think? On Mars!

Howard Wolowitz: There's got to be other options.
Raj Koothrappali: Could try calling Triple-A. But based on NASA's latest time table, they won't get there for thirty-five years.
Sheldon Cooper: Plus, I understand that you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, snap!
Sheldon Cooper: Snap what?

Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I guess we have to turn to plan B.
Sheldon Cooper: What's plan B?
Howard Wolowitz: Erase all the hard drives, grab the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.
Sheldon Cooper: Why wasn't that plan A?

Raj Koothrappali: Okay, who gets the extra dumpling?
Raj Koothrappali, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz: Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock!
[They all draw Spock]
Sheldon Cooper: Okay, one of us is going to have to stop putting up Spock.
Howard Wolowitz: How do we decide that?
Raj Koothrappali, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz: Rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock!
Raj Koothrappali, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz: [They all draw Spock again] Ahh!

Sheldon Cooper: If someone, and of course we don't know who this would be, does ask where you've gone, what should I say?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know... Just tell them I went to the office.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you going to the office?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Then how can I say it convincingly?
Leonard Hofstadter: Just say, "Leonard went to the office."
Sheldon Cooper: All right.
[Robotically]
Sheldon Cooper: "Leonard went to... the office."
Leonard Hofstadter: What is-? No, not like that; just "Leonard went to the office."
Sheldon Cooper: This would have worked out a lot better if you had just told me you were going to the office.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm going to the office.
Sheldon Cooper: See, why don't I believe you?

Sheldon Cooper: Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak, and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's just ridiculous! Why are you cooperating with him?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't make the rules, Leonard.

Howard Wolowitz: Oh, if it isn't Mrs Dead To Me.
Stephanie: Hello, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Look I'm sorry, you violated the terms of your metaphor by acknowledging her existence; I'm out.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh look, Saturn 3 is on.
Raj Koothrappali: I don't want to watch Saturn 3; Deep Space 9 is better.
Sheldon Cooper: How is Deep Space 9 better than Saturn 3?
Raj Koothrappali: Simple subtraction will tell you it's six better.
Leonard Hofstadter: Compromise; watch Babylon 5.
[chuckles]
Sheldon Cooper: In what sense is that a compromise?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, five is part way between three an... Never mind.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Workplace Proximity (#7.5)" (2013)
[first lines]
Penny: Awkward silence, Sheldon on his phone, no touching, somebody's having date night.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's actually steamier than it looks; Sheldon's looking up the phallic symbolism of root vegetables in Renaissance paintings.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no, I got bored with that; I'm just browsing cuticle scissors on Amazon.
Penny: How do you not tear off his clothes and take him right here on this table?
Sheldon Cooper: If you do that, I'll scream.

Amy Farrah Fowler: This project would have us working in close proximity to one another, and there's the vulgar adage that one should not defecate where one eats.
Sheldon Cooper: My father used to say that all the time. That and um, "who does one have to orally gratify to get a drink around here?" But what does that have to do with you working at the university?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, don't defecate where you eat means don't have a romantic relationship in the workplace.
Sheldon Cooper: Really!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Hnh. I always took it literally. That's why I have never once moved my bowels in this or any restaurant.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm relieved that you don't have a problem with us working together.
Sheldon Cooper: Not as relieved as I'm about to be. It's a brave new world, little lady.
[he heads toward the washroom]

Raj Koothrappali: You know, my parents met at his place of work.
Sheldon Cooper: Your father's a gynecologist.
Raj Koothrappali: I know; what started as a pap smear turned into a date. Which turned into her working there, which turned into marriage, which then turned into hatred which continues to this day.

Sheldon Cooper: [knock knock knock] Amy-Bernadette-Penny.
[knock knock knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy-Bernadette-Penny.
[knock knock knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy-Bernadette-Penny.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He's never going to stop doing that, is he?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't mind. I'm hoping to put his love of repetition to good use some day.

Amy Farrah Fowler: And this is Dr. Gunderson from Stockholm.
Sheldon Cooper: Ja-ah, Sweden. The home of my favorite Muppet and uh second favorite meatball.
[Amy and Gunderson just stare at him]
Sheldon Cooper: OK. The Nordic reputation for lack of humor is well founded.
[Amy and Gunderson look at each other]
Sheldon Cooper: Boy, is his name Gunderson or Nofunderson?

Penny: Sheldon, what happened between you and Amy?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, can you believe she said I embarrassed her?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: But you didn't even hear the details.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, I've known you a long time, and I'm going to tell you this with all the love I can possibly muster: Amy's right, you're wrong.
Sheldon Cooper: But you don't even know...
Leonard Hofstadter: Doesn't matter.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, yeah, but in my defense...
Leonard Hofstadter: Doesn't matter.
Sheldon Cooper: You're not listening to my side of it.
Penny: OK, fine, Sheldon, what is your side?
Sheldon Cooper: [sighs] Well...
Penny: No, gotta go with Amy on this one.

Amy Farrah Fowler: What do you want?
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, This isn't easy to say. All relationships are difficult. But even moreso when you're in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions, and frankly who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, you're not a weirdo.
Sheldon Cooper: I wasn't speaking about me. I mean, honestly, there's no telling what will set you off. Now, uh, introducing myself as your boyfriend, giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humor, the funniest kind of humor.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What's your point?
Sheldon Cooper: My point is we're a couple, and I like you for who you are. Quirks and all.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I like you too.
Sheldon Cooper: I should hope so. I don't see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense.
[she closes the door in his face]
Sheldon Cooper: [through the door] Not even a good-bye. You see, that's the kind of thing makes people think you're weird.
Sheldon Cooper: [to himself] Poor kid. She just doesn't see it.

[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Laser's warmed up.
Howard Wolowitz: Pull!
[Raj throws up a balloon, which Howard bursts using the laser]
Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz, Raj Koothrappali, Sheldon Cooper: Yay!

Sheldon Cooper: [Knock... knock... knock] . Amy.
[Knock... knock... knock]
Sheldon Cooper: . Amy.
[Knock... knock... knock]
Sheldon Cooper: . Amy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, what are you doing here so late?
Sheldon Cooper: I couldn't sleep because I kept thinking about what happened earlier between us. Also I had one heck of a bus nap. Oh speaking of which. Do you want some mutton and coconut milk?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Boy, I cannot give this stuff away.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What do you want?
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, this isn't easy to say. All relationships are difficult, but even more so when you're in one with a person who struggles with everyday social interactions and frankly who can strike some people as being kind of a weirdo.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, you're not a weirdo.
Sheldon Cooper: I wasn't speaking about me. I mean honestly, there's no telling what will set you off. You know, introducing myself as your boyfriend. Giving you the opportunity to drive me home. Breaking the ice with your colleagues using ethnic humor, you're funniest kind of humor.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What's your point?
Sheldon Cooper: My point is we're a couple and I like you for who you are quirks and all.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I like you too.
Sheldon Cooper: I should hope so. I don't see anyone else banging on this door to put up with your nonsense.
[Amy slams the door in his face]
Sheldon Cooper: Not even a goodbye. You see, that's the kind of thing that makes people think you're weird. Poor kid, she just doesn't see it.

Sheldon Cooper: [Knock, knock, knock] . Amy, Bernadette, Penny.
[Knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: . Amy, Bernadette, Penny.
[Knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: . Amy, Bernadette, Penny.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He's not going to stop doing that, is he?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't mind. I'm hoping to put his love of repetition to good use some day.

Sheldon Cooper: That was before Howard explained to me how awful it would be if he had to work with his significant other.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He said what?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh don't be insulted. He just thinks too much of you would be mind-numbingly tedious.

Amy Farrah Fowler: And this is Dr. Gunderson from Stockholm.
Sheldon Cooper: Aw, Sweden. Home of my favorite Muppet and second favorite meatball. OK. The Nordic reputation for a lack of humor is well founded. Wait. Is his name Gunderson or No-Funderson?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Where are we going with this, Dr. Cooper?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. I'm your boyfriend. Call me Sheldon. That's right. I'm in a boy-girl relationship with this cute little lump of wool.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: It is a physical relationship too. Hand holding; hugging; even on hot days. Ow! Here's an new one. Apparently now we kick each other in the shin under the table. How do you like it when I do it to you? Not so much, huh?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Barbarian Sublimation (#2.3)" (2008)
Penny: Oh, my God! A treasure chest. I'm rich!
Sheldon Cooper: Level 3 and she thinks she's rich. What a noob.

Sheldon Cooper: Make yourself comfortable.
[Penny starts to sit on Sheldon's "spot" on the sofa]
Sheldon Cooper: Not there.

Sheldon Cooper: Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?
Penny: No, Sheldon, I'd rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three-year-old.
Sheldon Cooper: All right then.
Penny: For God's sake!
[Goes inside]
Sheldon Cooper: Just when I think I've gotten the hang of sarcasm.

Sheldon Cooper: Sheldor back on line.
Penny: What's AFK?
Sheldon Cooper: AFK. Away from keyboard.
Penny: Oh, I see.
Sheldon Cooper: What does that stand for?
Penny: Oh, I see.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, but what does it stand for?

Leonard Hofstadter: [watching fluid bounce on a stereo speaker] Hey, check it out. It's just cornstarch and water.
Sheldon Cooper: They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but it's solid under the percussive action of the speaker.
Howard Wolowitz: That's what makes it get all funky.

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, you have to do something about Penny. She's interfering with my sleep, she's interfering with my work, and if I had another significant aspect of my life, I'm sure she'd be interfering with that too.

Leonard Hofstadter: You want to catch me up?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, let's see. Uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key because her face is overly Midwestern. Uh, she hasn't had sex in six months. And she ate a fly.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh-huh. Seriously? Six months?

Sheldon Cooper: If you don't figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.
Leonard Hofstadter: You mean up until now we've been experiencing the happy fun-time Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'll go talk to her.

Penny: [Penny walks into Sheldon's room as he's sleeping] Sheldon?
[walks towards his bed]
Penny: Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon abruptly sits up after a dream] Danger, danger!
Penny: No danger, look it's just me, Penny. Listen, I got to level 25 and reached Purple lotus swamp, right?
Sheldon Cooper: You're in my bedroom.
Penny: Yes, Leonard gave me an emergency key.
Sheldon Cooper: People can't be in my bedroom.
Penny: Ok, well, can we go talk in the living room?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not wearing pajama bottoms.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon Cooper: I spilled grape juice.
Penny: Well, wear different pajamas.
Sheldon Cooper: Can't wear different pajamas; these are my Monday pajamas.

Sheldon Cooper: [Leonard comes walking out of his bedroom and hears this conversation coming from inside Sheldon's bedroom] Please, Penny, enough. I have to sleep.
Penny: Ok, well, you were great. Thanks.
[Penny comes walking out of Sheldon's room quietly before spotting Leonard standing there]
Penny: Oh. Hey, Leonard, don't go in Sheldon's room, he's not wearing bottoms.
[she walks away]
Leonard Hofstadter: [knocks on Sheldon's door] Sheldon, you want to catch me up again?

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Atzel's Fortress; now, this is a long run so let's do another bladder check. All right, Barry, we'll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor.
[hears banging outside]
Sheldon Cooper: Sheldor is AFK.
[goes into hall]
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?
Penny: Yes, I can't get my stupid door open.
Sheldon Cooper: You appear to have put your car key in the door lock; are you aware of that?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: All right, then.
Penny: Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!
Sheldon Cooper: Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?
Penny: I can't get the damn key out.
Sheldon Cooper: It's not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge-mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagen uses a center cylinder system.
Penny: Thank you, Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper: You're welcome. Point of inquiry: why did you put your car key in the door lock?
Penny: Why? I'll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure...
Penny: I know what it means, Sheldon! God! You know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven't got a single acting job. I have accomplished nothing, haven't gotten a raise at work, haven't even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they're almost pure protein.

Leslie Winkle: Well don't turn it off, you might miss your call from the Nobel Committee letting you know you've been nominated as dumbass laureate of the year.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh yeah? Well... you wouldn't even be nominated!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Resurgence (#6.22)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: You may find this hard to believe, but I didn't have any friends growing up.
Professor Proton: No, I, I get that.
Sheldon Cooper: But, um, I did have you. And every day at 4 o'clock you'd come to my house on channel 68 and we'd do science together. If it hadn't been for you, who knows what would have become of me. You know, instead of a world class physicist I could have wound up as uh a hobo... or a surgeon.
Leonard Hofstadter: I bet there are important discoveries being made every day because you inspired millions of kids to pursue science. In a way their discoveries are your discoveries.
Sheldon Cooper: You- it's true. A generation of young scientists are standing on your shoulders.
Professor Proton: Well thanks, thanks, you guys. That, that, that means a lot.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's important you know how much you mean to us.

Sheldon Cooper: Professor Proton, it's an honor to meet you.
Professor Proton: Just, just call me Arthur.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard. Did you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur. That means we're friends.
Professor Proton: No. A, a friend would have, would have told me about the elevator.
Sheldon Cooper: Look at me. I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying its going to ruin my eyes.
Professor Proton: Is, uh, is he dangerous?
Leonard Hofstadter: Actually, he's a genius.
Sheldon Cooper: I am.
Professor Proton: Tha-that doesn't answer my question.

Sheldon Cooper: Professor Proton hosted my favorite science show when I was a child. I never missed an episode. Uh, he demonstrated scientific principles using everyday objects.
Leonard Hofstadter: It was pretty cool.
Penny: Aw, it's so cute when you use the word 'cool' wrong. Like when kids say 'pasketti'.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: The interface is pretty simple. You put your horizontal X coordinate here, vertical Y coordinate here, and you're happy with those you press this button.
Penny: Got it.
[the toy missile launcher swivels]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, you'll never guess who I just found on li-
[he is hit in the head by a toy missile]
Sheldon Cooper: H-Hey!
Leonard Hofstadter: Nice shot.
Penny: Uh, his giant head did most of the work.
Sheldon Cooper: Very mature! You're lucky I'm out of silly string.

Sheldon Cooper: Oh, my God, Leonard! He's available for parties and events. We should hire him.
Leonard Hofstadter: To do what?
Sheldon Cooper: Whatever we want. Hang out, do experiments, make him shoot twelve pictures with us for a calendar.

Professor Proton: I hope I haven't kept the kids waiting too long for the show.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no, there are no kids. The show is for me. Come on, I'll race ya... Arthur.

Professor Proton: Let me get this straight. You two are physicists, and you want me to do a children's science show?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, and if there's time, take twelve photos with us in seasonal clothing.

Sheldon Cooper: Do potato clock! Potato clock!
Penny: What's potato clock?
Professor Proton: I run a clock with a potato.
Penny: Shut up! You can do that? I mean, wouldn't that solve the world's energy crisis?
Professor Proton: No.

Sheldon Cooper: I met my childhood hero and I get to ride in an ambulance. If we've gotten to do that calendar, this would be the best day of my life.

Leonard Hofstadter: Do you remember his theme song?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course.
Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper: Grab your goggles / Put your labcoat on / Here he comes / Professor Proton!

Sheldon Cooper: I wrote you a fan letter when I was a child in Texas, and you sent me this autographed picture. Do you remember that?
Professor Proton: I'll give you a hint: I have a bracelet with my own address on it.

Sheldon Cooper: But you're Professor Proton. Children love you.
Professor Proton: And where has it gotten me? I carry a potato in my suitcase, other scientists think I'm a joke, the puppeteer who did Geno... also did my wife.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Pancake Batter Anomaly (#1.11)" (2008)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Checkmate.
Leonard: Aaow! Again?
Sheldon Cooper: Obviously, you're not well-suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candy Land would be more your speed.
Leonard: Just reset the board.
Sheldon Cooper: It must be humbling to suck on so many different levels.

Leonard: What the hell are you doing?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm making Petri dishes to grow throat cultures.
Leonard: With lime Jello?
Sheldon Cooper: I need a growth medium, and *someone* polished off the apricot yogurt.

Sheldon Cooper: We have no idea what pathogen Typhoid Penny has introduced into our environment. And having never been to Nebraska, I'm fairly certain that I have no cornhusking antibodies.

Leonard: Alright, well, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids!
Sheldon Cooper: What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionized plasma?

Penny: You are a grown man. Haven't you ever been sick before?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course. But not by myself.
Penny: Really? Never?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, once, when I was fifteen and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.
Penny: Studying abroad?
Sheldon Cooper: No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I'm used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg, with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia.

Leonard: How was Nebraska?
Penny: Oh, better than North Dakota.
[pause]
Penny: Guess that joke's only funny in Nebraska.
Sheldon Cooper: From the data at hand, you really can't draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here.

Sheldon Cooper: If influenza was only contagious after symptoms appeared, it would have died out thousands of years ago. Somewhere between tool using and cave painting, homo habilis would have figured out to kill the guy with the runny nose.

Sheldon Cooper: Wait.
[hands Leonard a measuring cup]
Sheldon Cooper: Put this in the bathroom.
Leonard: What for?
Sheldon Cooper: I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren't shutting down.
Leonard: I mix pancake batter in this!
Sheldon Cooper: No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.
Leonard: You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn't have ten seconds to make one that said urine cup?
Sheldon Cooper: It's right here on the bottom.
Leonard: Oh. I guess I owe the Betty Crocker company a letter of apology.

[Sheldon, obviously sick, orders soup in the restaurant where Penny is working]
Penny: Why didn't you just have soup at home?
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, I have an IQ of 187. Don't you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home, I would have thought of it?
Penny: You can have soup delivered.
Sheldon Cooper: I did not think of that.

Howard Wolowitz: [on the phone with Leonard] Hang on, call waiting.
Leonard: No, don't, don't...
Howard Wolowitz: [switches over] Hello?
Sheldon Cooper: Howard, I'm sick.
Howard Wolowitz: Uh.
[imitating his mother]
Howard Wolowitz: Howard's sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour?
Sheldon Cooper: I need soup.
Howard Wolowitz: [still imitating his mother] Then call your own mother.

Sheldon Cooper: Can you sing "Soft Kitty".
Penny: What?
Sheldon Cooper: My mom used to sing it to me when I was sick.
Penny: I'm sorry, honey, I don't know it.
Sheldon Cooper: I'll teach you. "Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr." Now you.
Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty...
Sheldon Cooper: Little ball of fur. Keep rubbing.
Penny: [angry] Little ball of fur.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us?
Leonard: I don't think Penny's ever coming here again.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm very congested.
Leonard: Yeah, so?
Sheldon Cooper: Could you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled mucous?
Leonard: If I stand, I'll vomit.
Sheldon Cooper: Under the sink, yellow Tupperware bowl.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Recombination Hypothesis (#5.13)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: And now that I have some wood, I'm going to begin the erection of my settlements.
Raj Koothrappali: [sotto, to Wolowitz] He's got to be doing this on purpose.

Sheldon Cooper: The reason you're fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she's the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment - your brilliant yet intimidating mother.
Leonard Hofstadter: Where on earth did you get that from?
Sheldon Cooper: It's in her book, "Needy Baby, Greedy Baby".
Leonard Hofstadter: That doesn't make it true.
Sheldon Cooper: It's called non-fiction for a reason, Leonard.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Feel like trying something new for dinner? Maybe indian? Tex-Mex?
Sheldon Cooper: You ever wonder how humans would be different if they evolved from lizards instead of amammals?
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, let's talk about that.
Sheldon Cooper: As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature, but they do move more sluggishly when it's cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, "Bring a sweater. It's slow outside". I love my mind.
Leonard Hofstadter: We all do. Now, how about dinner?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I would assume we'd enjoy insects, or smaller lizards. We could also pull each other's tails off and grill them; they'll just grow back.

Howard Wolowitz: Ooh, 8:30. You and Penny decide to go out and paint the town beige?
Leonard Hofstadter: You're 30 years old and you live with your mother!
Raj Koothrappali: I guess it didn't go well.
Sheldon Cooper: Now, we don't know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.
[Leonard groans loudly from his room]
Howard Wolowitz: How about now?
Sheldon Cooper: Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he's being murdered.

Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon discovers he's received the wrong cardboard cut-out Spock] Oh no! They sent the wrong Spock! Live long and suck it, Zachary Quinto!

Sheldon Cooper: I want to build a road, but I need wood. Either of you fellows have wood?
[Raj and Howard snicker]
Sheldon Cooper: I don't understand the laughter. The object of "Settlers of Catan" is to build roads and settlements. To do so requires wood. Now I have sheep; I need wood. Who has wood for my sheep?

Sheldon Cooper: You want to know my opinion?
Leonard Hofstadter: [Sarcastic] Oh boy, do I!
Sheldon Cooper: [to Howard] Sarcasm?
Howard Wolowitz: [Spiteful] No.

Sheldon Cooper: Now, where were we? Oh, yes. Does anyone have any wood?
[Raj and Howard laugh]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, come on! I just want wood! Why are you making it so hard?
[Raj and Howard laugh harder]

Sheldon Cooper: Now, back to our game.
Raj Koothrappali: You were in the middle of an erection.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, of course! It's right here in my hand.

Sheldon Cooper: O-o-oh, my life-size cardboard Mr. Spock is here! I know he wouldn't care for an outburst of human emotion, but oh goody, oh goody, oh goody!

Sheldon Cooper: After you used the facilities at the gas station, did you make a purchase?
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: It's customary when using the restroom at a retail establishment to make a small purchase. Did you?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: [snorts] Here's two dollars. Go buy some beef jerky.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want beef jerky.
Sheldon Cooper: It's not about *you*. It's about a poor immigrant from Pakistan trying to make his way in America by working the graveyard shift at the Colorado Boulevard Chevron.

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, promise me that when our new waitress comes over, you will not start a complicated on-again-off-again relationship with her, because I'm very, very hungry.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Thanksgiving Decoupling (#7.9)" (2013)
Penny: Sheldon, you can have a nice Thanksgiving anywhere. I spent one in Vegas.
Leonard Hofstadter: You did?
Penny: Yeah. Back when I we dating Zack. It was actually more fun than I thought. We gambled, went to one of those cheesy wedding chapels. We had a really good turkey dinner which was surprising since we were at a strip club.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? You went to a chapel?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Penny: We had one those silly fake weddings.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, you know those are real, right?
Penny: [laughing it off] No, they're not.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, they are.
Penny: [Looking worried] No, they're not.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, they are.
Sheldon Cooper: He's right.
Amy Farrah Fowler: They're real.
Penny: [quietly] But it didn't feel real.

Penny: Why are you making this such a big deal?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I have a reason. It could be because you said yes to marrying Zack, but every time Leonard's proposed he's gotten a resounding no. That's just off the top of my head.
Penny: How do I undo this?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm just hoping you can get a annulment which is like it never happened.
Penny: Great. Well, what do I have to do?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's says here you can get an annulment if any of the following conditions are met. Were you unable to consummate the marriage?
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon laughs] Penny? Next.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Is there any evidence of fraud, bigamy, want of understanding?
Penny: Want of understanding? What does that even mean?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: The math is all there; it's not real
Penny: Yes, it is!
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, uh, look. It is scientifically impossible for a person tip a cow. Even you with your stocky build and lumberjack shoulders, you couldn't do it.
Raj Koothrappali: It's horrible. Why would you push a cow over? They're sacred.
Penny: Oh, stop it. I've seen you eat a million hamburgers.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey, an animal can be both sacred and delicious.
Penny: I'm telling you I've done it, okay? I clearly remember the cow standing up and then the cow on its side.
Leonard Hofstadter: Were you drunk?
Penny: I was sixteen in Nebraska, what do you think?
Leonard Hofstadter: I think you're the one who fell over.
Penny: That would explain why the sky was also on its side.

Sheldon Cooper: But if her food is delicious, Thanksgiving is ruined, and it's on you.

Sheldon Cooper: I've been told that a bald refusal of an invitation is rude and one must instead offer up a polite excuse so, di, I'd love to go but unfortunately that sounds awful.

Leonard Hofstadter: It would actually be nice to not hear Sheldon complain about *my* cooking all day.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, uh, excuse me, but every year you prepare a terrible meal and every year I criticize it. Do our traditions mean nothing to you?

Sheldon Cooper: My father loved football. He always made me watch it before I was allowed to do my homework.

Mr. Rostenkowski: I don't know what's scarier: the bathroom clowns or the woman that put 'em there.
Sheldon Cooper: All I know is you can only fit one of her in a car.
[Howard enters]
Sheldon Cooper: And there's the clown that came out of her.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hey. Howard says that you've been making fun of him all day. Now both of you apologize right now.
Sheldon Cooper: She's so tiny! It's funny when she's mad.
Amy Farrah Fowler: All right, mister. I think you owe Howard and Bernadette an apology.
Sheldon Cooper: Perhaps you're right. I'm sorry for my behavior. I've had alcohol and it's caused me to be inappropriate.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't worry about it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: Ain't she great?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Now, hows about you get us a couple of beers?
[Sheldon swats Amy on the rear; she first looks shocked, then leaves smiling]

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: I just vomited on a lot of clowns.

Sheldon Cooper: Do I really need to go to Mrs. Wolowitz's for Thanksgiving dinner?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes, and I expect you to be on your best behavior.
Sheldon Cooper: Now I know how the African slaves felt. Being dragged out of their homes under the yoke of the white man.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you really comparing going to Thanksgiving dinner to one of the worst tragedies in human history?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Transporter Malfunction (#5.20)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: Perhaps you should look with your *eyes* and, and not your muscular Nebraskan man hands.

Mr. Spock: Dr. Cooper! Dr. Cooper!
Sheldon Cooper: Is someone there?
Mr. Spock: Down here, on your desk.
Sheldon Cooper: Spock?
Mr. Spock: I need to speak with you.
Sheldon Cooper: Fascinating! The only logical explanation is that this is a dream.
Mr. Spock: It is not the only logical explanation. For example, you could be hallucinating after being hit on the head by, say, a coconut.
Sheldon Cooper: Was I hit on the head by a coconut?
Mr. Spock: I'm not going to dignify that with a response. Now, to the matter at hand, you need to play with the transporter toy.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, but it's mint in box.
Mr. Spock: Yes, and to open it would destroy its value. But remember like me, you also have a human-half.
Sheldon Cooper: Well I'm not going to dignify *that* with a response.
Mr. Spock: Consider this. What is the purpose of a toy?
Sheldon Cooper: To be played with.
Mr. Spock: Therefore, to not play with it would be...?
Sheldon Cooper: Illogical. Oh, damnit Spock your'e right! I'll do it!
Mr. Spock: Sheldon, wait. You have to wake up first.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, of course. Set phasers to dumb, right?

Penny: Tada!
Sheldon Cooper: A vintage, mint in box 1975 Mego Star Trek Transporter, with real transporter action. Hotdarn!
Leonard Hofstadter: Where did you get that?
Penny: That's from Stuart at the comic book store.
Leonard Hofstadter: You went to the comic book store by yourself?
Penny: Yeah! It was fun. I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks. Felt pretty good.
Sheldon Cooper: This calls for an expression of gratitude.
Penny: Ooh, am I about to get a rare, Sheldon Cooper hug?
Sheldon Cooper: No, not this time, then they wouldn't be special.
[makes a finger-gun gesture]
Sheldon Cooper: Thanks, Penny!
Penny: You're welcome. Don't worry, I didn't forget about you. Leonard, I got you... a label maker!
Leonard Hofstadter: Ahh... No, it's great. Also... it's mint in box.
Penny: And... I got you a transporter too!
Leonard Hofstadter: Awesome!

[first lines]
Penny: Oh my God, I love this chicken!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, you know what they say, 'Best things in life are free'.
Penny: Okay, you're right, I eat your food a lot. Now, how 'bout this: you can raid my fridge any time you want.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that's very kind of you. Next time I have a hankering to wash down a D-cell battery with a jar of old pickle juice, I'll come a-knocking.

Sheldon Cooper: I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins; slip on the ring, disappear, and everyone goes home.
Leonard Hofstadter: Mmmm, you liked Professor Geyster's wedding.
Sheldon Cooper: They had a make-your-own-sundae bar. Oh, that was a night to remember. D'you know, on one trip, I just had a bowl of nuts.

Sheldon Cooper: Howard, are you having a make-your-own-sundae bar?
Howard Wolowitz: I don't think so.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, you should. 50% of all marriages end in divorce, but 100% of make-your-own-sundae bars end in happiness.

Sheldon Cooper: [Dreams he's on another planet] Oh, dear. Two suns and no sunscreen.

Mr. Spock: Well, I am unhappy.
Sheldon Cooper: I thought where you come from they don't have emotions.
Mr. Spock: I come from a factory in Taiwan.

Sheldon Cooper: It was me. I opened your toy... discovered it was broken, and didn't tell you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why would you open mine?
Sheldon Cooper: I didn't, that was a lie. I opened my own toy... and it was already broken, so I switched them.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, you should talk to Stuart.
Sheldon Cooper: I can't because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake and that's a lie.
Penny: What is the truth?
Sheldon Cooper: My Mr. Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it, and when the toy broke I switched it for yours. Later he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him. And then I was attacked by a Gorn.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, that I believe.

Sheldon Cooper: And, Leonard, even though I don't have one anymore, I hope you have fun playing with it.
Leonard Hofstadter: And that's a lie, right?
Sheldon Cooper: A big fat whopper. I hope it breaks.

Sheldon Cooper: Quantum physics makes me so happy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah? I'm glad.
Sheldon Cooper: It's like looking at the universe naked.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Hawking Excitation (#5.21)" (2012)
Penny: Why are you washing Howard's man panties?
Sheldon Cooper: Because if I don't, he won't give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He's a famous physicist.
Penny: Yeah yeah, I know. He's the wheelchair dude who invented time.
Sheldon Cooper: That's close enough.

Sheldon Cooper: [wearing a French maid costume] What are you all staring at? Did you ever see a man try to get a meeting with Stephen Hawking before?

Raj Koothrappali: Oh boy, well, Sheldon's going to freak out!
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, he worships Hawking.
Howard Wolowitz: I was actually thinking of bringing him along when I go over there so he can meet the great man.
Raj Koothrappali: It's really nice of you, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: It's no big deal.
Leonard Hofstadter: Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It'll look so nice next to the ones he's already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan, and Stan Lee.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity's understanding of the Higgs boson particle and you said "Sheldon, it's 2 a.m., get out of my bedroom!"?
Leonard Hofstadter: Like it was 10 hours ago. What about it?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I believe I've done it. Now, I'm only saying "believe" to sound modest, because Sweet-Sam-Houston, I did it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really?
Raj Koothrappali: That's incredible! Oh, here! Breakout the math.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, okay, let me see this.
[Starts writing]
Sheldon Cooper: Alright! So, this particle here, is the boson, moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking...
[pauses]
Sheldon Cooper: Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn't going to make any sense to you.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, I have a working understanding of Physics.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, good for you! Don't stop working on it.
Raj Koothrappali: You still going to tell him about you-know-who?
Howard Wolowitz: Yep.
Leonard Hofstadter: Still going to introduce him?
Howard Wolowitz: Not on your life!

Sheldon Cooper: Alright! What would you like me to do first?
Howard Wolowitz: I thought I'd start you off by polishing my belt buckles.
Sheldon Cooper: Ooh, by all means. When I was a boy, I would polish my mee-maw's silver, then, she would entertain me with stories about growing up in Oklahoma. Interesting woman. You know, she once killed a prairie dog with a gravy boat.
Howard Wolowitz: That's nice.
[Pours out all his belt buckles from inside a container]
Sheldon Cooper: That's a lot of belt buckles.
Howard Wolowitz: Funny thing is, I only have one belt.

Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, you're a condescending jerk; why on Earth would I want to do something nice for you?
Sheldon Cooper: Um, to go to Jewish heaven?
Howard Wolowitz: Jews don't have heaven.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, to avoid Jewish hell?
Howard Wolowitz: Have you met my mother? I live in Jewish hell!

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Professor Hawking, it's an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir.
Stephen Hawking: I know.
Sheldon Cooper: I want to thank you for taking time to see me.
Stephen Hawking: My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.
Sheldon Cooper: I know.
Stephen Hawking: Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you. It just... it came to me one morning in the shower.
Stephen Hawking: That's nice. Too bad it's wrong.
Sheldon Cooper: What do you mean wrong?
Stephen Hawking: You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite a boner.
Sheldon Cooper: No, no... th-th-th-that can't be right. I... I don't make arithmetic mistakes.
Stephen Hawking: Are you saying I do?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no, no, no, of course not. It just, I was thinking... Oh, gosh, golly. I made a boo-boo. And I gave it to Stephen Hawking.
[Faints]
Stephen Hawking: Great, another fainter.

Sheldon Cooper: Howard, please! I'm begging you!
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, you're our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?
Raj Koothrappali: Three times: he begged the Fox network *not* to cancel Firefly; he begged the TNT network *to* cancel Babylon 5; and when he got food sickness at the Rose Bowl parade, he begged a deity he doesn't believe in to end his life quickly.

Howard Wolowitz: I'll give your paper to Professor Hawking.
Sheldon Cooper: Great. Thank you. Oh, that's terrific!
Howard Wolowitz: But... in exchange, I'd like you to do a few things for me.
Sheldon Cooper: What kinds of things?
Howard Wolowitz: Are you familiar with the 12 labors of Hercules?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course.
Howard Wolowitz: You should be so lucky.

Mrs. Wolowitz: Sheldon! I need your help!
Sheldon Cooper: What is it now, Mrs. Wolowitz?
Mrs. Wolowitz: It's this dress! When I put my front in, my back pops out! When I put my back in, my front pops out! It's like trying to keep two dogs in a bathtub.
Sheldon Cooper: What do you want me to do?
Mrs. Wolowitz: We're gonna have to work as a team! Get in here, grab a handful and start stuffing!

Howard Wolowitz: All right, Sheldon, there's only one thing left I want you to do. Don't worry, it's an easy one.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay.
Howard Wolowitz: Give me a compliment.
Sheldon Cooper: Fine. You have very tiny hands.
Howard Wolowitz: No. About my job. I want you to tell me I'm good at what I do.
Sheldon Cooper: You're obviously good at what you do.
Howard Wolowitz: Then why are you always ripping on me?
Sheldon Cooper: Ah, I understand the confusion. Uh, I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It's just that what you do is not worth doing.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's nicer than anything he's ever said to me; I'd take it and run.

Sheldon Cooper: Howard, please. This is Steven Hawking! Perhaps my only intellectual equal.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Shiny Trinket Maneuver (#5.12)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican Peso up my nose.
Howard Wolowitz: How is that not amusing?
Sheldon Cooper: It's still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security.
Howard Wolowitz: Look, I made Sheldon disappear, tada!
Leonard Hofstadter: Next time you should open with that.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Jewelry? Seriously? Sheldon you are the most shallow, self-centered person I have ever met. Do you really think that another transparently-manipu... OH, IT'S A TIARA! A tiara; I have a tiara! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me!
Penny: You, look, Beautiful.
Amy Farrah Fowler: OF COURSE I DO, I'M A PRINCESS AND THIS IS MY TIARA!
Sheldon Cooper: You're right, tiara was too much.

Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, a little Red Dead Redemption, huh
Sheldon Cooper: [shown playing video game] Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: How come you're not doing a mission? You're just wandering around.
Sheldon Cooper: I had a rough night, thought I'd go for a walk and clear my head.
Leonard Hofstadter: Some people go outside and do that.

Sheldon Cooper: [game character walks into saloon] I'll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know... Digital alcohol is never a solution.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I can't. I'm playing Grand Theft Auto later.

Penny: Sheldon, that pocket watch is ridiculous.
Sheldon Cooper: Nonsense. I look like a train conductor.

Sheldon Cooper: Is this how you're going to entertain children, by lying to them?
Howard Wolowitz: How is this lying?
Sheldon Cooper: A magic show is an inherently deceitful proposition. "This is an ordinary tophat." "You've chosen that card freely." "I do not have a set of lock picks lodged in my keister."
Raj Koothrappali: Can't you just enjoy the wonder, Sheldon? Why must you peek behind the curtain, or up the butt?

Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Lord. A man steps out for a minute to empty his bowels and catch up on the latest adventures of the Caped Crusader, and returns to find that his apartment has transformed into a cabaret.

Penny: Well, if it isn't Pasadena's favorite new power couple, Shamy.
Sheldon Cooper: [to Amy] And that is the answer to your question "what is wrong with going to the Cheesecake Factory?"

Penny: Sheldon, what is wrong with you?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, not much. Although, I can be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don't know what it is. When they start munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside.

Sheldon Cooper: I don't think there's anything in this jewelry store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears.
Penny: Oh, my God! Now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper/Kripke Inversion (#6.14)" (2013)
[last lines]
Barry Kripke: Yeah, yeah. Was she naked or was she wearing wangeway?
Sheldon Cooper: I didn't notice.
Barry Kripke: How could you not notice?
Sheldon Cooper: I was too busy squishing all the desirable parts of her body.
Barry Kripke: Ahh, you're killing me, Cooper!
Sheldon Cooper: Can we get back to work?
Barry Kripke: Sure, sure.
[pause]
Barry Kripke: You guys ever use any toys?
Sheldon Cooper: Toys? I live with a model rocket next to my bed.
Barry Kripke: A wocket? You're a fweak! I wuv it.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, your food's getting cold.
Sheldon Cooper: I'll eat later. Right now I'm suckling at the informative bosom of Mother Physics.
Penny: Hot when Sheldon talks dirty.

Sheldon Cooper: I read his research, and... it's leaps and bounds ahead of mine. Which means the mommy of the smartest physicist at the university is not my mommy as I had thought. It's his mommy!
[starts crying]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better. May I offer you a consoling hug?
Sheldon Cooper: What do we have to lose?
[Amy hugs him tightly]
Amy Farrah Fowler: How's that?
Sheldon Cooper: I feel like I'm being strangled by a boa constrictor.
[Amy lets go]
Sheldon Cooper: Why'd you stop?
[Amy hugs him again]

Penny: Sheldon, could I ask you a question?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course.
Leonard Hofstadter: You ever gonna sleep with Amy?
Sheldon Cooper: That's awfully personal.
Leonard Hofstadter: We don't ask Sheldon things like that.
Penny: Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, word around the university is I'm giving her sex organs a proper jostling.
Penny: All right, come on. Be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: All right, we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy.
Penny: So, what's the problem?
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others-handshaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy's chest. A year ago, that would've been unthinkable.
Leonard Hofstadter: Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.
Penny: Okay, hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might... actually get physical?
Sheldon Cooper: [a long pause] It's a possibility.
Penny: [silently, grabbing Leonard's shoulder] Oh, my God!
[Out loud]
Penny: Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation.
Sheldon Cooper: Hey.
[Penny starts to punch and slap Leonard in excitement]

Sheldon Cooper: Don't look at my board!
[Flips board over; the other side has a drawing of a train]
Barry Kripke: What's that?
Sheldon Cooper: That's a drawing of a really cool train. You don't look at that either!

Penny: Want me to make you some tea?
Sheldon Cooper: Tea is for when I'm upset; I'm not upset. The university is forcing me to work with Kripke. I'm outraged.
Leonard Hofstadter: So, cocoa?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, cocoa!

Howard Wolowitz: What do you think, Sheldon? Want an action figure that looks just like you?
Sheldon Cooper: Would it come with kung-fu grip?
Howard Wolowitz: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't waste my time.

Barry Kripke: I have some bad news. You're working on a grant proposal for a new fusion weactor. I'm working on a gwant pwoposal for a new fusion weactor. The university is only awowed to submit one proposal.
Sheldon Cooper: So they asked you to pack up your things and ship out; that's hard cheese, Barry. You were one of the good ones.
Barry Kripke: No, they're making us work together.
Sheldon Cooper: That's ridiculous! I have one of the great minds or our generation. I work on a level so rarefied you couldn't even imagine it. I said stop looking at my cool train!

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon Lee Cooper, I do not have time for this nonsense! Now go put your clothes on, get in the car and let's go to work!
Sheldon Cooper: All right, geez! What a grouch.
Leonard Hofstadter: How did I do that? I gotta remember how I did that.

Sheldon Cooper: [to Penny] Do you have any idea what it's like to be paired with someone who is so incredibly annoying?
Leonard Hofstadter: [raises hand] Oh, teacher, me! Me!

Sheldon Cooper: How do I know you're not going to take my ideas and publish them as your own?
Barry Kripke: How do I know you're not going to do that with mine?
Sheldon Cooper: Because I'm not interested in getting published in Mad Magazine.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Classified Materials Turbulence (#2.22)" (2009)
Stuart: Here, Sheldon, I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It's mind-blowing.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me! Spoiler alert!
Stuart: But I didn't spoil anything.
Sheldon Cooper: You told me it's mind-blowing, so my mind is going into it pre-blown, and once a mind is *pre*-blown, it cannot be *re*-blown.
Stuart: I'm sorry.
Sheldon Cooper: Said the Grinch to Christmas.

Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, Stuart, have you read the new Flash?
Stuart: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I have, and it will knock your socks off! Good luck getting them back on.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Smell that? That's the smell of new comic books.
[takes a deep breath]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, yes!
Howard Wolowitz: They're on me today, boys.
Rajesh Koothrappali: You're paying? Have you been selling your sperm again?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I'm celebrating. As we speak, the space shuttle is docking at the International Space Station, where it will deploy the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Waste Disposal System.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, get over yourself. It's a high-tech toilet.
Leonard Hofstadter: Just think, thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go where no man has gone before.
Howard Wolowitz: Is that supposed to be funny?
Sheldon Cooper: I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double meaning of the verb "to go" suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, make your little jokes. But of the four of us, I'm the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology.
Rajesh Koothrappali: He's right. This is an important achievement for two reasons: Number one, and of course, number two.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.

Sheldon Cooper: You have to check your messages, Leonard! The leaving of a message is one half of a social contract, which is completed by the checking of the message! If that contract breaks down, then all social contracts break down, and we descend into anarchy!
Leonard Hofstadter: It must be hell inside your head.
Sheldon Cooper: At times.

Howard Wolowitz: Here's an approximation of the spare parts available on the space station. We gotta find a way, using nothing but *this*, to reinforce this, so the waste material avoids the spinning turbine.
Rajesh Koothrappali: You mean so it doesn't hit the fan?
Sheldon Cooper: Yaeh, I have to say, I thought the toilet humor would get less funny with repetition.
[shakes his head]
Sheldon Cooper: Apparently, there is no law of diminishing comedic returns with space poop.

Leonard Hofstadter: I deliberately tried to sabotage Stuart's date with Penny.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Of course you feel terrible. You completely screwed up your karma, dude.
Sheldon Cooper: You don't really believe in that superstition, do you?
Rajesh Koothrappali: It's not superstition, it's practically Newtonian. For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. Leonard pretends to be a friend and acts like a two-faced bitch. Therefore, he is reborn as a banana slug. It's actually a very elegant system. You know, what goes around comes around.
Howard Wolowitz: [motions Raj to return to working on the space toilet] Speaking of what goes around comes around...

Howard Wolowitz: Where you going?
Leonard Hofstadter: Comic book store.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, an excellent idea! I could certainly use a break.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Me too.
Howard Wolowitz: Now hold on, you guys can go to the comic book store when man can once again safely poop in space.
Sheldon Cooper: Why does Leonard get to go?
Howard Wolowitz: Because he's upset over his situation with Penny, and if I have to hear about it again I'm gonna kick him in his ovaries.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thanks for understanding, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: I got your back, sister.

Howard Wolowitz: Guys, we have a code red.
Sheldon Cooper: You mean code red the hospital emergency alert, code red the computer worm, or Code Red the cherry flavored soft drink from the makers of Mountain Dew?
Howard Wolowitz: Look, I was going over the schematics on my Zero-G toilet, and I made a teeny-tiny mistake on the specifications for the diverter valve.
Leonard Hofstadter: How teeny-tiny?
Howard Wolowitz: It's gonna fail after about ten flushes.
Sheldon Cooper: But the mission is for six months.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, see, that's the code red! It's kind of like a jack in the box. No one knows exactly when, but at some point, something way worse than a puppet is gonna pop out of that box.
Sheldon Cooper: Have you notified NASA?
Howard Wolowitz: No! You crazy? What am I gonna say, "I screwed up your toilet and pretty soon there's gonna be crap floating all over your nice shiny space station"?
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you gonna do?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm gonna figure out how to fix it, then I'll tell them.
Leonard Hofstadter: So what do you need us for?
Rajesh Koothrappali: He can't figure out how to fix it.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, you said you were gonna be supportive.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I'm trying. But you have to admit, this is pretty damn funny!

Sheldon Cooper: I think you're overestimating the tensile strength of the substructure you're building.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, I know what I'm doing.
Sheldon Cooper: If you knew what you were doing, there wouldn't be a space toilet where my coffee table should be.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Howard, wait. Why don't you use this instead of the PVC to keep the transverse filter assembly in place?
Howard Wolowitz: Because this is not a spare part from the space station. This is the thing from the pizza box that keeps the lid from touching the cheese.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Is that what that's for? In India, the lid just touches the cheese.
[turning to Sheldon]
Rajesh Koothrappali: Of course, we also have rampant poverty and periodic outbreaks of cholera, so a little cardboard in our cheese is no biggie.

Sheldon Cooper: I must say, Howard, I think a detailed letter to MIT describing your current circumstances might entitle you to a refund on your Master's degree.

Howard Wolowitz: [on the phone with NASA] Yes, sir, I understand classified. We'll keep it all classified. No one has to know anything about this but you and me.
Penny: What's classified?
Leonard Hofstadter: Howard's space toilet. I'll tell you later.
Howard Wolowitz: [hanging up and sitting down to eat] Well, they've deployed our solution; let's just all hope it works.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't see why I have to worry. My career's not hanging in the balance.
[Sheldon smirks at Howard]
Sheldon Cooper: That was a joke. It's funny because it's true.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Plimpton Stimulation (#3.21)" (2010)
Howard Wolowitz: Are you planning on kidnapping a woman?
Sheldon Cooper: Sarcasm?
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, but mixed with genuine concern.

Penny: You're having a woman stay with you?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody?
Penny: Oh, no no no no no, I'm not flabbergasted. I'm... puzzled. Yeah, let's go with puzzled.

Sheldon Cooper: Now listen, one of the great minds of the 21st Century is about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st Century. So pay attention; years from now my biographer might ask you about this event.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I have so many things to tell your biographer.

Leonard Hofstadter: Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel?
Sheldon Cooper: She doesn't care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don't open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one's wallet.

Sheldon Cooper: Vocal test, morning vocal test.
[Clears throat]
Sheldon Cooper: Second vocal test, second morning vocal test.

Leonard Hofstadter: Why didn't you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton. I am a huge fan of hers.
Sheldon Cooper: I didn't realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you are a fan of. But, very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I've been to Toronto.

Sheldon Cooper: In here, you'll find emergency provisions: an eight day supply of food and water, a crossbow, Season Two of Star Trek: The Original Series on a high-density flash drive.
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: What if there's a disaster that destroys all the USB ports?
Sheldon Cooper: Then there's really no reason to live, is there?

Penny: You know what? It's, it's none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon's doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, now...
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me. I'm uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.
Penny: I'm not recommending it. I'm saying it already happened.
Sheldon Cooper: That's preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well.
Sheldon Cooper: No.
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on. It wasn't my fault.
Sheldon Cooper: The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?
Penny: You know what? I'm just gonna take the bus to work.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, I can still drive you.
Penny: Oh, no, no, it's okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.

Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Thank you so much for opening up your home to me.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, well, who wants to stay in a hotel, with windows that don't open, those crazy card-shaped keys?
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: I'm so glad you understand.
Sheldon Cooper: No, he doesn't understand; *I* understand.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I understand too.
Sheldon Cooper: Your just misappropriating my understanding.

Sheldon Cooper: [in the bathroom] Pee for Houston, pee for Austin / Pee for the state my heart got lost in.
[pause]
Sheldon Cooper: And shake twice for Texas.

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement this is your twenty-four hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.
Leonard Hofstadter: When you say "non-related female", you still mean human, right?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and one day cybernetically enhanced helper monkeys.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation (#3.1)" (2009)
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, thank God we're home!
Howard Wolowitz: I can't believe we spent three months in that frozen hell.
Rajesh Koothrappali: It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half.

Sheldon Cooper: I just want you both to know when I publish my findings, I won't forget your contributions.
Howard Wolowitz: Grace.
Sheldon Cooper: And of course, I can't mention you in my Nobel acceptance speech, but when I get around to writing my memoirs, you can expect a very effusive footnote, and perhaps a signed copy.

Sheldon Cooper: Did Leonard know about this? Leonard's my best friend in the world. Surely, Leonard didn't know.
Howard Wolowitz: Actually, it was his idea.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course it was. The whole plan reeks of Leonard.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Whispering] Do not make a sound.
Sheldon Cooper: Whispering "do not make a sound" is a sound.
Leonard Hofstadter: Damn his Vulcan hearing!

Sheldon Cooper: I realize you're currently at the mercy of your primitive biological urges, but as you have an entire lifetime of poor decisions ahead of you, may I interrupt this one?

Leonard Hofstadter: It was the only way to make him happy.
Penny: Why did you have to make him happy?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because when he wasn't happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan! We were going to throw his Kindle outside and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death.
Sheldon Cooper: That seems like a bit of an overreaction!
Leonard Hofstadter: No. The overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell "mush!"

Sheldon Cooper: This is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over and I'll spend the rest of my life here in Texas, trying to teach evolution to creationists.
Mary: You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.
Sheldon Cooper: Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact.
Mary: And that is your opinion.
Sheldon Cooper: [to the others] I forgive you. Let's go home.
[leaves]
Mary: Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.

Rajesh Koothrappali: [Whispering] We have to tell him.
Sheldon Cooper: Tell me what?
Howard Wolowitz: Damn his Vulcan hearing.

Sheldon Cooper: [to his "spot" on the couch] Hello, old friend.
[Sits down]
Sheldon Cooper: Daddy's home.

Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty...
Sheldon Cooper: That's for when I'm sick. Sad is not sick.
Penny: Oh, sorry. I don't know your sad song.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't have a sad song. I'm not a child.

Mary: If you recall when you were little, we sat right here at this very spot and we talked about some of the problems you had getting along with the neighbor kids.
Sheldon Cooper: That was different. They were threatened by my intelligence and too stupid to know that's why they hated me.
Mary: Oh, baby, they knew very well why they hated you.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Habitation Configuration (#6.7)" (2012)
Wil Wheaton: Sheldon, do you really think we're going to fight?
Sheldon Cooper: My fists are not up here because I'm milking a giant, invisible cow.

[Sheldon is excusing himself from Wil Wheaton to talk with Amy]
Sheldon Cooper: I'll be right back.
[hands Wil a Wesley Crusher action figure]
Sheldon Cooper: Feel free to play with yourself.

Wil Wheaton: Excuse me, but I've been acting since I was a child. I think I can handle a little web show.
Sheldon Cooper: It's true. In 1982 he played the voice of Martin the mouse in The Secret of NIMH. You moved me.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Your friend was rude to me and you should have taken my side. Good night, Sheldon.
[Logs off]
Sheldon Cooper: Wow. Amy's mad at me and Leonard was right. What a weird day.

Penny: What'll you have to drink?
Sheldon Cooper: Usually I have some chamomile tea, but I'm pretty upset. I don't think that's going to cut it.
Penny: How about a Long Island iced tea?
Sheldon Cooper: Will that do the charm?
Penny: It's charmed the pants off of me a couple of times.

Penny: You're from Texas. You're supposed to stand up and defend the honor of your woman folk.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, please. I think I've evolved beyond my simple, rustic upbringing. On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.
Penny: Welcome to Long Island, Tex.

Wil Wheaton: Are you drunk?
Sheldon Cooper: Just tea. Best tea I've ever had.

Sheldon Cooper: I need to have a talk about women.
Penny: I always knew we would have this talk sooner or later. Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm in the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair since I was nineteen.
Penny: I see, and for the record...
[makes gagging sound]

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. And welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents: Fun with Flags. Before we get started, I'd like to announce the winner of our Design Your Own Flag competition, but I can't. The only entry was from gamygamer seventy-five, and I know that was a jpeg of your buttocks. Now, this week we have a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise 'Star Trek', and to help me I'm pleased to introduce internet personality, uh, former star of 'Star Trek: The Next Generation', and the only guy I know lucky enough to be immortalized in one-sixteenth scale... Set phasers to fun! for my friend, Wil Wheaton.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper Presents: Fun with Flags. Get ready for a very special episode where we explore the flags of the popular entertainment franchise 'Star Trek', and to help us I'm pleased to introduce a special guest - surprisingly it only took gas money and the promise of free food to get him here - Mr. LeVar Burton.
LeVar Burton: Hey, Sheldon, it's a pleasure to be here. Well, we've got some interesting flags...
Amy Farrah Fowler: Cut! Yikes! The guy is worse than Wil Wheaton.
Sheldon Cooper: [to leVar] I don't know what she's talking about, but I'm obligated to agree with her. She's my girlfriend.
LeVar Burton: Ahh, I hear you, brother. I still get lunch, right?

Sheldon Cooper: [drunkenly confronting Wil] As a matter of idle curiosity, which of your shrubberies would you say would benefit from a thorough vomiting?
[trying to hold back]
Sheldon Cooper: Never mind, I'll choose.
[leans over the railing and vomits]


"The Big Bang Theory: The Dumpling Paradox (#1.7)" (2007)
Leonard: Sheldon, think this through. You're going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.
Sheldon: No, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapons systems.
Leonard: You're right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.
Sheldon: My point.

Chen: Where's your annoying little friend who thinks he speaks Mandarin?
Sheldon: He's putting his needs above the collective good.
[to the other guys]
Sheldon: Where he comes from, that's punishable by death.
Chen: *I* come from Sacramento.

Sheldon: I'll watch the last 24 minutes of Doctor Who, although at this point it's more like Doctor Why Bother.

Penny: Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I'll play.
Leonard: Great idea.
Sheldon: No. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion and a rather sucky one at that.
Penny: Why?
Sheldon: Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.
Penny: Oh, what, what, what?
Sheldon: This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve. There are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back story.
Penny: [explosion] Oh, cool! Whose head did I just blow off?
Sheldon: Mine.
Penny: Okay, I got this. Lock and load, boys!
Leonard: It's the only way we can play teams.
Sheldon: Yes, but whoever's her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to
[explosion]
Sheldon: mention the fact that...
Penny: Ha Ha! There goes your head again.
Sheldon: Okay, that's not good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who's just respawned. You need to give them a
[explosion]
Sheldon: chance... now, c'mon.
[minutes later]
Sheldon: Raj, Raj, she's got me cornered. Cover me.
Penny: Cover this suckers.
[laughs]
Leonard: Penny, you are on fire.
Penny: Yes, so is Sheldon.
[laughs]
Sheldon: Okay, that's it. I don't know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game.
[walks away]
Penny: Wait, wait. Sheldon. Come back, you forgot something.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: This plasma grenade.
[explosion]
Penny: [laughs] Look! It's raining you.
Sheldon: You laugh now. You just wait until you need tech support.

Sheldon: Okay, this cereal has lost all its molecular integrity. I now have a bowl of shredded wheat paste.

Christy: There's my little engine that could.
Howard Wolowitz: Chugga-chugga-chugga...
Sheldon: There's another beloved children's book I can never read again.

Leonard: Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.
Penny: Wh-what?
Sheldon: [glaring at Leonard] He's engaging in reductio ad absurdum.
Penny: [speechless]
Sheldon: It's the logical fallacy of extending someone's argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticizing the result. And I do not appreciate it.

Sheldon: [as Penny makes up the couch to sleep on she puts the pillow on the end of the couch closest to the door] Hmm-hmm, wrong.
Penny: [Turning to face Sheldon with a glare] I'm listening.
Sheldon: Your head goes on the other end.
Penny: Why?
Sheldon: It's culturally universal. A bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.
Penny: I'll risk it.
Sheldon: [high pitched] Hmm.
[and turns away]

[there is a knock at the door]
Sheldon: Oh, what fresh hell is this?

Sheldon: You laugh now, you just wait until you need tech support.
Penny: Gosh. He's kind of a sore loser, isn't he?
Leonard: Well, to be fair, he's also a rather unpleasant winner.
Penny: Well, it's been fun.
Leonard: Penny, we make such a good team. Maybe we could enter a couple of "Halo" tournaments sometime.
Penny: Or we could just have a life.
Leonard: I guess for you, that's an option. Ha-ha. Ha.

Sheldon: Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don't think I need to tell you what an honor this is.
Penny: Aww, that's so sweet but I'm going out dancing with a girlfriend.
Sheldon: You can't go out, it's Halo night.
Penny: Well, for Penny it's dancing night.
Sheldon: Do you go dancing every Wednesday?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Then it's not dancing night.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Excelsior Acquisition (#3.16)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: [knock knock knock] Penny?
[knock knock knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Penny?
[Penny immediately opens the door]
Penny: [knock knock knock] Penny?
Sheldon Cooper: That's just wrong.

Sheldon Cooper: Good morning, your honor. Doctor Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se. That means I am representing myself.
Judge J. Kirby: I know what it means. I went to law school.
Sheldon Cooper: And yet you wound up in traffic court.

Sheldon Cooper: I would point out that I am at the top of my profession, while you preside over the kiddie table of yours.

Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me? Excuse me, jailer?
Guard: What?
Sheldon Cooper: I need to use the restroom.
Guard: [Motions to cell toilet] Knock yourself out.
Sheldon Cooper: That's the toilet?
Guard: Well, it ain't a wishing well.
Sheldon Cooper: Please tell the judge I'm ready to apologize.

Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, why do you have all these unopened paychecks in your desk?
Sheldon Cooper: Because most of the things I'm planning to buy haven't been invented yet.
Howard Wolowitz: There, there must be thousands of dollars here! Why don't you put it in the bank?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't trust banks. I believe when the robots rise up, ATMs will lead the charge.

Sheldon Cooper: I object! You're completely ignoring the law!
Judge J. Kirby: No, I'm following the law; I'm ignoring you.

Sheldon Cooper: I've decided I'm going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month's Batman.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's crazy; Stan Lee had nothing to do with Batman.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Which is why no-one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique albeit confusing artifact which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom.
Raj Koothrappali: That's a great idea; I'm going to get him to sign a Batman as well.
Sheldon Cooper: What is it about the the word 'unique' you don't understand?

Sheldon Cooper: This is Stan Lee's front door. We were on Stan Lee's curb, then we were on Stan Lee's walk and now we're at Stan Lee's front door.
Penny: Yup.
[Penny rings the doorbell]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Lord. You just rang Stan Lee's doorbell. It's Stan Lee's house. We're about to go in and have milk and cookies with Stan Lee.
Penny: Okay. Sweetie, I don't know if we're gonna have cookies or he's just gonna say hi or really what's gonna happen so just let me talk and we'll...
[the door opens]
Stan Lee: Yeah?
Penny: Are you Stan Lee?
Stan Lee: Oh damn.
Penny: Hi. I'm Penny. This is my friend Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: We're not friends at the moment. Depends on how this goes.
Penny: Right, right. Anyway Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours and he was supposed to meet you the other day at the comic book store but he kind of ended up in jail.
Stan Lee: I see. And you thought you'd just come over to my house uninvited?
Sheldon Cooper: You said we *were* invited.
Penny: Oh, no no, I said I'm inviting *you* to come with *me* to Stan Lee's house.
Stan Lee: You know, you fanboys are unbelievable! Do you think you can just ring my doorbell any time you want? I mean, why don't you just come on in and watch the Lakers game with me?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I'm not much of a sports fan, but thank you.
[walks in. Stan Lee stares at Penny]
Penny: Sir, he doesn't really understand sarcasm.
Stan Lee: Well I'll give him something he'll understand. Joanie! Call the police!
Penny: Nice to meet you.
[Penny runs away]

Sheldon: [to large man in jail cell] That's my spot.

Leonard Hofstadter: It's not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not gonna pay a fine! That would imply I'm guilty!
Howard Wolowitz: You *are* guilty.
[Raj presses a button and his remote-controlled shirt plays the 'Law & Order' "thunk thunk" sound; Raj, Howard and Leonard snicker with laughter]
Howard Wolowitz: That one I liked.

[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, where you been?
Sheldon Cooper: I'll tell you where I've been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.
Howard Wolowitz: [sarcastically] Sweet.
Sheldon Cooper: Plus, I get to hang out with him again... at the hearing. This is going to look great, hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Bozeman Reaction (#3.13)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: Oh dear Lord, they redid the menu.
Leonard Hofstadter: So what? Its the same food.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso's chicken is no longer listed under 'specialties'; it's now under 'chicken'.
Raj Koothrappali: So?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, General Tso.
Raj Koothrappali: Not 'Tso' the chicken, 'so' the question.

Sheldon Cooper: You know, the more I think about it, the 'mobster sauce' couldn't possibly contain chunks of mobster.
Leonard Hofstadter: And why is that?
Sheldon Cooper: It was listed under seafood.
Leonard Hofstadter: What if they were mobsters who slept with the fishes?
[laughs]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not?

Sheldon Cooper: My new computer came with Windows 7. Windows 7 is much more user friendly than Windows Vista. I don't like that.

Sheldon Cooper: I do not have to urinate. I am master of my own bladder.
[Beat]
Sheldon Cooper: Drat!

Leonard Hofstadter: Would I be completely out of line for me to ask you to shoot him?
Officer Hackett: I'd be happy to put him under a seventy-two hour psychiatric hold.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested.

Penny: Come on, Sheldon, you can't move. Don't you need to stay in one place so the mother ship can find you when it returns?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, if that were only true.

Sheldon Cooper: [Arriving in Bozeman, Montana] That is a bracing cold, an invigorating cold. Lord, is it cold!
Young Man: Uh, help you with your bag, sir?
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you, fellow Bozite! And may I say, you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town's Chamber of Commerce.
[Man runs off with Sheldon's bags]
Sheldon Cooper: Wait!
[Runs out]
Sheldon Cooper: Wait! Excuse me!
[Returns and goes to ticket counter]
Sheldon Cooper: One ticket to Pasadena, California, please.

Sheldon Cooper: They took our TV, two laptops, four external hard-drives, our PS2, our PS3, our X-Box, our X-Box 360, our classic Nintendo, our Super Nintendo, our Nintendo 64 and our Wii.
Leonard Hofstadter: We like games.
Sheldon Cooper: Right, games. They took Halo 1, Halo 2, Halo 3, Call of Duty 1, Call of Duty 2, Call of Duty 3, Rock Band, Rock Band 2, Final Fantasy 1 through 9, The Legend of Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Galaxy, Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympics... and Ms. Pac-Man.
Officer Hackett: [writing] Assorted video games.

Sheldon Cooper: [while looking at a menu] And look over here, 'Shrimp in Mobster Sauce'. What is mobster sauce?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's obviously a typo.
Sheldon Cooper: Hmm, perhaps. Or perhaps this restaurant's now a front for organised crime. For all we know the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters.
Raj Koothrappali: No, no, no, no. I think it just means it's the kind of sauce that mobsters like.
Howard Wolowitz: It doesn't mean any of that. It's a typo.

[last lines]
Howard Wolowitz: [as Sheldon enters] Hey! Look who's back!
Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. The acquaintance is the first to greet me.

Howard Wolowitz: Oh, come on. So you were the victim of a crime. That's part of life. When my great-grandfather first came to this country, he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York. You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver, got ripped off. But, those people moved on, and so should you.
Sheldon Cooper: I am moving on. I'm going to be a Bozite.
Leonard Hofstadter: They call themselves Bozites?
Sheldon Cooper: They should. It's one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm going to miss you.
Sheldon Cooper: Please, Penny, as you know, I'm not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared a short video. - - Greetings. As you know, I'm not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared this short video. The four of you are three of my closest friends and one treasured acquaintance. Though I cannot state categorically that my life will be diminished by not having you in it, I am comfortable if you choose to believe that. Since you intend to remain in this lawless metropolitan area, statistics suggest that you will succumb to tragic and gruesome ends before we meet again. Live long and prosper.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Jiminy Conjecture (#3.2)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: Tell you what; I'm willing to bet ANYTHING, that's an ordinary field cricket.
Sheldon: I can't take your money.
Howard Wolowitz: What's the matter? You chicken?
Sheldon: I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Chickens can't climb trees.
Sheldon: Thank God.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay.
[Holds hands up in surrender]
Howard Wolowitz: I believe a chicken made you his bitch.

Sheldon Cooper: Did I cross a line?
Rajesh Koothrappali: Of course. You...
Howard Wolowitz: No, let him figure it out by himself.

Sheldon Cooper: I know! It was inappropiate of me to discuss Leonard and Penny's sex life in front of them. Right?
[Howard points to his nose]
Sheldon Cooper: Good. Now I can eat.

Howard Wolowitz: [a cricket chirps] What was that?
Sheldon Cooper: Hold on.
[Looks at watch while cricket chirps]
Sheldon Cooper: That is a snowy tree cricket.
Howard Wolowitz: How can you tell?
Sheldon Cooper: In 1890, Emile Dolbear determined that there was a fixed relationship between the number of chirps per minute of the snowy tree cricket and the ambient temperature; a precise relationship that is not present with ordinary field crickets.
Rajesh Koothrappali: And how do you know what the ambient room temperature is?
Sheldon Cooper: According to our agreement, I have unilateral control over the thermostat since the sweaty night in '06.

Sheldon Cooper: What was that?
Rajesh Koothrappali: My stomach. Indian food doesn't agree with me. Ironic, isn't it?

Sheldon Cooper: [to Raj] Interesting. You're afraid of insects and women. Ladybugs must render you catatonic.
[Raj stares at Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: That was a joke. I made it to lessen your discomfort.
[Raj still stares]
Sheldon Cooper: You're welcome.

Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, you're wrong! Wolverine was not born with bone claws.
Sheldon: Howard, you know me to be a very smart man. Don't you think if I were wrong, I'd know it?
Howard Wolowitz: First of all...
Rajesh Koothrappali: Give it up, dude. You're arguing with a crazy person.

Professor Crawley: Toby? What a stupid name for a cricket!
Sheldon: [to Howard] Told you!

Howard Wolowitz: Don't push me, Sheldon. I may be small, but I took kung fu when I was thirteen and I remember a good deal of it!
Sheldon: Oh, really? Well, I grew up with an older brother and a very contentious twin sister, and I believe I could easily best you in any physical confrontation, be it noogies, swirlies, or the classic "Why are you hitting yourself?"

Rajesh Koothrappali: [as Sheldon descends down the elevator shaft] Be careful.
Sheldon Cooper: If I were not being careful, you telling me to be careful would not make me careful.

Howard Wolowitz: [Opens book] There we are, the common field cricket. Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for "Suck it, you lose!"
Sheldon Cooper: Hang on.
[Leafs through book]
Sheldon Cooper: Voila! The snowy tree cricket. Oceanthus fultoni, which is Latin for "I'll suck nothing." Of course, I'm joking, because the Latin for that is "Nihil exsorbibo".


"The Big Bang Theory: The Hofstadter Isotope (#2.20)" (2009)
[Sheldon and Howard grab the same comic book]
Howard Wolowitz: Let it go, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Why should I let it go, I saw it first?
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, but I saw it from the front.
Sheldon Cooper: A far less impressive feat.

Sheldon Cooper: Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?
Leonard Hofstadter: Apparently so.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you ill?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. Then is it fair to say that you're experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?
Leonard Hofstadter: When did you pick up on that!
Sheldon Cooper: A moment ago when you turned off the TV in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode.

Stuart: Look Sheldon, it's late, I've gotta get some sleep.
Sheldon Cooper: So I win.
Stuart: No, I'm tired.
Sheldon Cooper: So I win.
Stuart: Fine, you win.
Sheldon Cooper: Darn tootin' I win.

Sheldon Cooper: [Penny is asleep] Don't wake her. She'll maul you like a rabid wolverine.

Stuart: You can throw all the French around you want, it doesn't make you right.
Sheldon Cooper: Au contraire.

[first lines]
[Sheldon moans]
Leonard Hofstadter: Problem?
Sheldon Cooper: This is Thai food.
Howard Wolowitz: Here we go.
Sheldon Cooper: We don't have Thai food on Thursday, we have pizza on Thursday.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, but we all agreed that the third Thursday of every month would be anything-can-happen Thursday.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, apparently the news didn't reach my digestive system, which, when startled, has its own version of anything-can-happen Thursday.

Leonard Hofstadter: I just wannna know why Penny is more interested in Stuart than me. We're practically the same guy!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self employed and most significantly, he gets 45% off comic books.

Leonard: Come on, Howard, the odds of us picking up girls in a bar are practically zero.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? Are you familiar with the Drake Equation?
Sheldon: The one that estimates the odds of making contact with extraterrestrials by calculating the product of an increasingly restrictive series of fractional values such as those stars with planets, and those planets likely to develop life? N equals R times FP times NE times FL times FI times FC times L?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, that one.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, we agreed we'd do something different tonight.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. Let's go to the comic book store.
Rajesh Koothrappali: We went to the comic book store last night.
Sheldon Cooper: Last night was Wednesday; Wednesday *is* comic book night. Tonight we'll be going on Thursday because it's anything-can-happen Thursday.
Leonard Hofstadter: Way to think outside but pressed right up against the box, Sheldon.

Stuart: Here, Sheldon. I pulled the new Hellboy for you. It's mind-blowing.
Sheldon: Excuse me, spoiler alert.
Stuart: But I didn't spoil anything.
Sheldon: You told me it's mind-blowing, so my mind is going into it pre-blown. And once a mind is pre-blown, it cannot be re-blown.

Sheldon Cooper: Well, I've spent the last three hours in an online debate in the DC Comics Batman chatroom, and I need your help.
Stuart: Oh yeah. Those guys can be very stubborn. What's the topic?
Sheldon Cooper: I am asserting, in the event that Batman's death proves permanent, that original Robin, Dick Grayson, is the logical successor to the Bat Cowl.
Stuart: Ooh, Sheldon, I'm afraid you couldn't be more wrong.
Sheldon Cooper: More wrong? Wrong is an absolute state and not subject to gradation.
Stuart: Of course it is. It's a little wrong to say a tomato is a vegetable, it's very wrong to say it's a suspension bridge. But returning to the original issue, Dick Grayson became Nightwing, a superhero in his own right. Batman 2 has to be the second Robin, Jason Todd.
Sheldon Cooper: Has to be? Has to be? I hope you're being deliberately provocative


"The Big Bang Theory: The Deception Verification (#7.2)" (2013)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Do you hear anything?
Sheldon Cooper: I hear a woman's voice.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Is it Penny?
Sheldon Cooper: No, it's you.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon. Your fight's with Leonard. Penny's got nothing to do...
Sheldon Cooper: Careful Amy. The friend of my enemy's girlfriend is my enemy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Really?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. You're either with me or against me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You want to take the bus to work?
Sheldon Cooper: Maybe there's a third option.

Leonard Hofstadter: So, am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me?
Sheldon Cooper: I'd like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.
Leonard Hofstadter: Where do you think I would take you?
Sheldon Cooper: Who knows? You said you'd be home yesterday, but came home three days ago. You say you're taking me to work, but for all I know I'll end up in a deserted amusement park, or a cornfield maze or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm going to work. You can come if you want.
Sheldon Cooper: OK. By the way you have something on your shirt.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I don't.
Sheldon Cooper: Hurts, doesn't it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you every told me is true.
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't make it back. The ship sank. I'm in hell.
Sheldon Cooper: You say you're from New Jersey, but how can I believe you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why would anybody claim to be from New Jersey, if they weren't?
Sheldon Cooper: All right, I'll give you that one.

Sheldon Cooper: Stuart, I was wondering if you could help me find something.
Stuart: Happy to. Unless its hope or reason to live.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, you make me laugh, sad clown.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: And here's another interesting weather fact.
Penny: Another? Great!
Sheldon Cooper: Changes in jet-streams can affect the speed at which the earth rotates on its axis, so bad weather can actually make the day longer.
Penny: Well, there must be a hell of a storm somewhere!
Sheldon Cooper: Joke if you must, but you're going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store.
Penny: You know, I will miss this.
Sheldon Cooper: I'll tell you what. If my apples are mealy, we'll hit the produce section for one last crazy blowout. You can even push the cart. Please don't take my looking forward to Leonard's return as criticism of the job you've been doing in his absence.
Penny: I won't.
Sheldon Cooper: That criticism will come later in your report card.
Penny: Yeah! I didn't stay for the detention; I'm not going to read the report card.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm quite familiar with plumbing. Not to brag, but I spent most of fifth grade with my head in a toilet.

Sheldon Cooper: I let you buy feminine hygiene products with my supermarket club card. Do you have any idea the kind of coupons I'm going to get in the mail now?

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: And then Leonard took me to the barber and the dentist. and then to cap off the perfect day the Las Angeles Bureau of Weights and Measures.
Leonard Hofstadter: I thought the Measures were going to be the stars of the show; turns out it was the Weights.
Penny: I'm so glad you guys are friends again.
Sheldon Cooper: Eh, I'm glad you and I are friends again too.
Penny: Aw.
Sheldon Cooper: Which reminds me, this came in the mail, and I want you to have it.
[he hands her a coupon]
Penny: [reads] "Fifty cents off Vagisil."
Sheldon Cooper: Think of me when you apply it.
Raj Koothrappali: Can I just say: I've missed all of us hanging out together.
Sheldon Cooper, Bernadette Rostenkowski, Howard Wolowitz, Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah.
Penny: Me too
Leonard Hofstadter: Um, since when can Koothrappali talk in front of the girls without a beer?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, that happened right after you left.
Sheldon Cooper: And no-one told me?
Howard Wolowitz: [starting to weep] Can't believe we forgot to tell him.
Penny: Ahem!
[hands Howard the coupon]
Penny: Think of Sheldon when you apply it.

Sheldon Cooper: That's odd. There are two glasses of wine on the table.
Penny: Oh, they're both mine. I have two hands and a drinking problem.
Sheldon Cooper: That's odd. There are take-out food containers in the trash.
Penny: That's my dinner from last night.
Sheldon Cooper: What's odd is that they're in the trash.

Sheldon Cooper: Hey, Amy.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: You don't get a hey. You get a hmm.

Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Raj. Howard. Judas.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know what? You're a crazy person.
Sheldon Cooper: A crazy person with a long memory and, if all goes according to plan, my own robot army. Or a mutant army. We'll see how my genetics research goes.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Zarnecki Incursion (#4.19)" (2011)
Howard Wolowitz: [Sheldon is holding a Klingon Bat'leth] Why did you bring that?
Sheldon Cooper: No weapon strikes more fear into a man's heart than a Klingon bat'leth.
Leonard Hofstadter: OK, let's get clear on something. We're just gonna tell this guy to transfer all of your stuff back into your account and then be on our way. No one's "batlething" anybody.
Sheldon Cooper: So my blade shall not taste blood tonight?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, now I just feel silly holding it.

Penny: Give my friend his stuff back.
Todd Zarnecki: I don't know what you're talking about.
Penny: Well then good news. Today is the day a girl is finally gonna touch you in your little special place.
[Penny kicks his groin]
Penny: Now give him his stuff back.
Todd Zarnecki: [In deep pain] Ok.
Sheldon Cooper: [shouting] WE DID IT!
[Penny looks at him]
Sheldon Cooper: I said *WE*.

[first lines]
Sheldon: Why hast thou forsaken me, O deity whose existence I doubt?

Leonard Hofstadter: You called the police because somebody hacked your World of Warcraft account?
Sheldon Cooper: What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern Kingdoms, has been picked clean like a carcass in the desert sun! Plus, the FBI hung up on me!

Penny: [after Sheldon's game account got hacked] Sorry, Sheldon. I know that game meant a lot to you.
Sheldon: That game! Excuse me, Penny, but Doodle Jump is a game. Angry Birds is a game. World of Warcraft is a massively multi-player online role-playing... Alright, technically it's a game.

Raj Koothrappali: [while on a road-trip] I took the liberty of burning us a mix of heroic questing music.
Sheldon Cooper: This says Beyoncé Bootylicious Dance Mix.
Raj Koothrappali: It's a rewritable CD, just put it in.
Howard Wolowitz: Beyoncé, really?
Raj Koothrappali: She's curvy and she's owns it. I like that.

Officer Shin: Mr. Cooper, there's nothing...
Sheldon Cooper: Dr. Cooper!
Officer Shin: Seriously?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not the kind with access to drugs.

Officer Shin: I'm sorry for your loss, but the Pasadena Police Department doesn't have jurisdiction in... Pandora.
Sheldon Cooper: That's from Avatar! World of Warcraft takes place in Azeroth. Goodness gracious, how are you allowed to carry a gun?

Sheldon Cooper: It is time to cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm on it.
[pulls out cell phone and dials]
Leonard Hofstadter: Hi, Mrs. Wolowitz, is Howard there? Okay, thanks.
[hangs up]
Leonard Hofstadter: That particular dog of war will have to call you back after his bath.

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard?
Leonard Hofstadter: Aw jeez, I don't know if I can ditch Priya two nights in a row.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh come on man, bros before... my sister.

Priya Koothrappali: Leonard, you're busy; let's talk tomorrow.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, wait. Hang on; are you upset?
Priya Koothrappali: No, no, I think it's sexy to date a boy trapped in a man's body.
Leonard Hofstadter: Good, good, I'll tell you what happened.
[Priya leaves]
Sheldon Cooper: [to Howard] People think *I* don't get sarcasm.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Large Hadron Collision (#3.15)" (2010)
[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: [on cellphone] ... Sweetie. Uh, listen, I need to go, but I'll see you tonight? Bye-bye. Bye-bye. B- No, *you* hang up first. Hello?
Raj Koothrappali: Dude, I'm glad you finally got a girlfriend, but do you *have* to do that lovey-dovey stuff in front of those of us who don't?
Sheldon Cooper: Actually, he might have to. There's an economic concept known as a positional good, in which an object is only valued by the possessor because it's not possessed by others. The term was coined in 1976 by economist Fred Hirsch to replace the more colloquial but less precise "neener-neener".

Sheldon Cooper: Which ski hat says "après super collider"?

Penny: You actually put that in an agreement!
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, of if one of us is bitten by a zombie.
Sheldon Cooper: He can't kill me even if I turn.
Penny: Is there anything in there about if one of you gets a girlfriend?
Sheldon Cooper: No, that seemed a little far-fetched.

Sheldon Cooper: I've been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah? Well, I've been dreaming about spending Valentine's Day with a girl since I was six.
Sheldon Cooper: Shame on you! That's no dream for a scientist!

Leonard Hofstadter: I know what'll cheer you up; let's play one of your driving games.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. This game is called 'Traitors'. I will name three historical figures; you put them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Doctor Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard Hofstadter: You really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas?
Sheldon Cooper: You're right; Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did.

Sheldon Cooper: Round two: Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch.
Leonard Hofstadter: Rupert Murdoch?
Sheldon Cooper: He owns Fox and they cancelled Firefly. Hint: he and Darth Vader are tied for number two.

Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon and Penny both have the flu] I just don't understand how this happened to me. I'm scrupulous about my hygiene, I regularly disinfect my hands, and I avoid contact with other people on general principle.
Penny: I don't know what to tell you, Sheldon.
[Sheldon remembers when he hugged Penny]
Sheldon Cooper: It's *you*! I touched *you*!
Penny: Happy Valentine's day.

Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
Penny: Hello.
Sheldon Cooper: All right, let's dispense with the friendly banter. I believe you know why I'm here.
Penny: Well, I always figured it was to study us, discover our weaknesses and report back to your alien overlords.

Sheldon Cooper: Given that Saint Valentine was a third century Roman priest who was stoned and beheaded, wouldn't a more appropriate celebration of the evening be taking one's steady gal to witness a brutal murder?

Sheldon: I think you know why I'm here.
Penny: I always assumed it was to study us, discover our weaknesses and report back to your alien overlords.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis (#2.11)" (2008)
Penny: Hey Sheldon, are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tress?
Sheldon Cooper: No, because we don't celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.
Penny: Saturnalia?
Howard Wolowitz: Gather round, kids, it's time for Sheldon's beloved Christmas special.
Sheldon Cooper: In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.
Howard Wolowitz: And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.

Penny: [after the tale of Saturnalia] Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbor gifts, so I'll just put them under my tree.
Sheldon Cooper: Wait! You bought me a present?
Penny: Uh-huh.
Sheldon Cooper: Why would you do such a thing?
Penny: I don't know. 'Cause its Christmas?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Penny. I know you think you are being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift. You've given me an obligation.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't feel bad, Penny, it's a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.
Penny: Now, hey, it's okay. You don't have to get me anything in return.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
Penny: Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not giving you a present.
Sheldon Cooper: No, it's too late. I see it. That elf sticker says, "To Sheldon." The die has been cast. The moving finger has writ. Hannibal has crossed the alps.
Howard Wolowitz: [Raj then whispers into Howard's ear then they both laugh] I know. It's funny when it's not happening to us.
Penny: [Exasperated] Sheldon, I am very, very sorry.
Sheldon Cooper: No. No, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life.
[Turning to Howard and Raj]
Sheldon Cooper: I'm going to need a ride to the mall.
Howard Wolowitz: It's happening to us.

Sheldon Cooper: Where were you that's more important than Wii Bowling night?
Leonard Hofstadter: Actually, I was...
Sheldon Cooper: It's a rhetorical question; there *is* nothing more important than Wii Bowling night.
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on! It's just a video game. And we suck at it.
Sheldon Cooper: [gasps] Nice motivational speech from the team captain.

Howard Wolowitz: That doesn't count. Do-over, do-over!
Sheldon Cooper: There are no do-overs in Wii Bowling.
Howard Wolowitz: There are always do-overs when my people play sports.

Sheldon Cooper: I don't see anything in here a woman would want.
Howard Wolowitz: You're kidding! You've got lotions, and bath oils, and soaps. That's the estrogen hat trick!
Sheldon Cooper: What it is is a cacophonous assault of eucalyptus, bayberry, cinnamon and vanilla. It's as if my head were trapped in the pajamas of a sultan.

Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, miss.
Charlotte: Yes?
Sheldon Cooper: If I were to give you this gift basket, based on that action alone and no other data, infer and describe the hypothetical relationship that exists between us.
Charlotte: Excuse me?
Sheldon Cooper: [Gives her the basket] Here. Now, are we friends? Colleagues? Lovers? Are you my grandmother?
Charlotte: I don't understand what you're talking about, and you're making me a little uncomfortable.
Howard Wolowitz: See? Sounds just like you and Penny. We'll take it.

Sheldon Cooper: [Opens Penny's gift] Oh, a napkin...
Penny: Turn it over.
Sheldon Cooper: [Reading] "To Sheldon: Live long and prosper... Leonard Nimoy!"
Penny: He came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty - he wiped his mouth with it.
Sheldon Cooper: [Face twitching excitedly] I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?
Penny: Yeah, yeah, I guess, but look, he signed it.
Sheldon Cooper: [Now shaking with excitement] Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I could grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
Penny: Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.

[last lines]
Penny: [after Sheldon gives her several gift baskets] Sheldon, what did you do?
Sheldon Cooper: I know! It's not enough, is it? Here...
[gingerly hugs Penny]
Penny: Leonard, look! Sheldon's hugging me!
Leonard Hofstadter: It's a Saturnalia miracle!

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. Now, it is well established Superman cleans his by flying into Earth's yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminant matter and leaves the invulnerable kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy-fresh.
Howard Wolowitz: What if he gets something kryptonian on it?
Sheldon Cooper: Like what?
Howard Wolowitz: I don't know. Kryptonian mustard.
Sheldon Cooper: I think we can safely assume all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.
Raj Koothrappali: Or it turned into mustard kryptonite, the only way to destroy a rogue kryponian hot dog threatening Earth.
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, please. Let's stay serious here.

Howard Wolowitz: C'mon, bath stuff! It's perfect.
[picks up basket]
Howard Wolowitz: You got a scented candle, a cleansing burst, spearmint and green tea bath oil; promotes relaxation!
Sheldon Cooper: Well, that pre-supposes Penny is tense.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, she knows you; she's tense. We all are.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Nerdvana Annihilation (#1.14)" (2008)
[upset by Penny's comments, Leonard sits in the time machine]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, it's two in the morning.
Leonard Hofstadter: So?
Sheldon Cooper: So, it's my turn.

Leonard Hofstadter: What if I knocked you unconscious right now?
Sheldon Cooper: It won't change the past.
Leonard Hofstadter: But it'd make the present so much nicer.

Sheldon Cooper: [to Penny] You hypocrite! Miss "grown-ups don't play with toys!" If I went into your apartment right now, would I not find Beanie Babies? Are you not an acquirer of Care Bears and My Little Ponies? And just who is that Japanese feline on your shorts? Hello, Hello Kitty!

Sheldon Cooper: [Leonard has won a bid on a miniature time machine prop from the movie "The Time Machine"] I wonder why no one else bid. This is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.
Leonard Hofstadter: I know. But, I still can't afford it.
Howard Wolowitz: Why don't we share it? We'll each put in two hundred bucks and we'll take turns having it in our house.
Raj Koothrappali: A time share time machine. I'm in. Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: Wha-? Need you ask? I still don't understand why no one else bid.
Sheldon Cooper: [cut to the lobby of Leonard and Sheldon's apartment building; the prop is life-size] I understand why no one else bid.

Sheldon Cooper: [looking at the time machine prop in the apartment] I don't know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned.
Sheldon Cooper: The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, where society had splintered into two factions: the subterranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface-dwelling Eloi.
Howard Wolowitz: Talk about your chick magnets.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like "I have a jacuzzi on my balcony. I have a jacuzzi on my balcony." But wait until I tell him I've got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your Speedos, Jacuzzi Bob.
Sheldon Cooper: Gentlemen, I know we said we'd take turns but I think you'll agree that practicality dictates it remain here.
Howard Wolowitz: You can't just keep it here! What if I meet a girl and say "You wanna come up and see my time machine? It's at my friend's house." How lame is that?
Raj Koothrappali: He's got a point.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. I think we're going to need some ground rules. In addition to the expected "no shoes in the time machine" and "no eating in the time machine", I propose that we add "Pants must be worn at all times in the time machine."
Leonard Hofstadter: Seconded.
Howard Wolowitz: [sheepishly] I was gonna put down a towel.

Raj Koothrappali: I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bimonthly basis.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, that sounds fair.
Sheldon Cooper: Hold on. "Bimonthly" is an ambiguous term. Do you mean every other month or twice a month?
Raj Koothrappali: Twice a month.
Sheldon Cooper: Then no.
Raj Koothrappali: Okay, every other month.
Sheldon Cooper: No.

Leonard Hofstadter: Anyone wanna buy my share of the time machine?
Raj Koothrappali: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: 'Cause I don't want it anymore.
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: Just personal reasons.
Sheldon Cooper: My Spidey sense tells me this has something to do with Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Look, do you wanna buy me out or not?
Raj Koothrappali: I'll give $100, which will make me half owner, and we'll put it on my balcony.
Howard Wolowitz: Screw his balcony. I'll give you $120 and we'll put it in my garage.
Leonard Hofstadter: I paid $200 for my share.
Raj Koothrappali: Dude, everybody knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Sheldon, Raj, and Howard are arguing over who can give Leonard the best price for his collection] Forget it. Guys, if I sell to one of you, the other two are gonna be really mad at me.
Sheldon Cooper: Who cares, as long as you pick me?
Raj Koothrappali: Okay, Leonard, put down the box. Let's talk.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry, Raj, my mind is made up.
Sheldon Cooper: [blocking the stairwell] No. I can't let you do this.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, get out of my way.
Sheldon Cooper: [taking a plastic sword from Leonard's box] None shall pass.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. I did not want to do this, but I have here the rare, mint-condition production era "Star Trek: The Next Generation" Geordi La Forge without his VISOR, in the original packaging. If you do not get out my way... I will open it.
Howard Wolowitz: [nervously] Okay, man, be cool.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and Swiss cheese on whole wheat.
Raj Koothrappali: What did they give you?
Sheldon Cooper: Turkey and roast beef with Swiss cheese and lettuce on whole wheat.
[Raj and Wolowitz just look at Sheldon, dumbfounded]
Sheldon Cooper: It's the right ingredients, but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich, the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash.
Leonard Hofstadter: [at his computer, not paying attention] I don't believe it.
Sheldon Cooper: I know. It's basic culinary science.

Raj Koothrappali: [the time machine prop Leonard bought is life-size] Did the listing actually say "miniature"?
Leonard Hofstadter: I just assumed. Well, who sells a full-sized time machine for $800?
Sheldon Cooper: In a Venn diagram, that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets "No longer want my time machine" and "Need $800".
Howard Wolowitz: It's actually a tremendous bargain. Even with shipping, it works out to less than $4 a pound.
Raj Koothrappali: Cocktail shrimp are $12.50.
Leonard Hofstadter: How are we gonna get it upstairs?
Howard Wolowitz: If we take the dish off, it might fit in the elevator.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, but the elevator's been broken for two years.
Sheldon Cooper: I've been meaning to ask you: do you think we should make a call about that?
Howard Wolowitz: Not necessary. I have a master's in engineering. I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis. I troubleshoot space shuttle payloads.
[Howard walks over to the elevator]
Howard Wolowitz: When the Mars Rover started pulling to the left, I performed a front-end alignment from 62 million miles away.
[Howard presses the elevator call button, then puts his ear to the elevator doors]
Howard Wolowitz: [walking back to the group] No, that baby's broken.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Discovery Dissipation (#7.10)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, well, I'm not just some trained monkey dancing for coins.
Leonard Hofstadter: Course you're not. People love trained monkeys.
Penny: How can you not be happy? You're tall, thin and famous. Oh my God. I'm jealous of Sheldon.

Sheldon Cooper: Here comes the Embarrassment Express. It stops at Fraudville. Wonder-Blunder-Burg. And Kansas City, because it's a hub.

Sheldon Cooper: To really understand the story here, we have to start at the very beginning: a small town in East Texas, where a young genius name...
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper: That's right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbor's dog, leading to his first scientific break through: the Doggy Death Ray. Which sadly he couldn't build because Santa wouldn't bring him enriched uranium.

[last lines]
Penny: You know if we did a shot every time they said something embarrassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Little early for alcohol, isn't it?
Sheldon Cooper: [On the radio] You know, I don't just say smart things about science, I also yodel.
[Yodeling]
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'll get the vodka.

Sheldon Cooper: But none of you know what this is like. Being celebrated for something you wish you never did.
Penny: You clearly haven't been with me at Mardi Gras.

Sheldon Cooper: What's that animal doing in our apartment?
Leonard Hofstadter: Get over that. She's in her crate; she can't get out.
Sheldon Cooper: I have two words for you: Jurassic Park.

Ira Flatow: This could put you on the track to a Nobel Prize, and in chemistry, no less. Very unusual, seeing as you're a physicist.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, it's very unusual. Let's all laugh at the circus freak!

Sheldon Cooper: President Siebert, I don't get why you're so upset. You're the one who forced me to go on the radio. I was expecting a scientific discussion, not an attack by some Morning Zoo shock jock. Well, if you wanted to raise money for the university, you should consider a swear jar. Wow, that's a dollar right there!

Leonard Hofstadter: I was only trying to make you happy.
Sheldon Cooper: By taking away my crowning achievement? If you wanted me to be happy, you could have told me a joke, or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter being unlikely friends.
Leonard Hofstadter: There is no pleasing you! And koalas and otters don't even live near each other!
Sheldon Cooper: That's what makes their friendship so unlikely!

Barry Kripke: Perhaps physics isn't your thing. Maybe you should go into wetail so you can take things back for a living.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's enough, Barry.
Sheldon Cooper: That's all right, Leonard. I can fight my own battles. Isn't that right, "Bawwy"?
Barry Kripke: Is that a wefewence to my speech impediment? Wow, that weally hurt. I can't contwol it.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry. I take it back.
Barry Kripke: Yeah, you do, 'cause you're the Wetwactor!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Tangerine Factor (#1.17)" (2008)
Penny: [scares the hell out of Sheldon after touching him in the back] Do you have a second?
Sheldon: A second what? Pair of underwear?

Howard Wolowitz: I'm so glad you're learning Mandarin.
Sheldon: Why?
Howard Wolowitz: Because then you'll have a billion people to annoy instead of me.

Leonard Hofstadter: Why are you learning Mandarin?
Sheldon: I suspect that the people at the Szechuan Palace are passing off orange chicken as tangerine chicken, and I intend to confront them.
Leonard Hofstadter: If I were you, I'd be more worried about what they're passing off as chicken.

Sheldon: I think I need another Mandarin lesson. I don't think I got through to them.
Howard Wolowitz: For heaven's sake, if you don't like the tangerine chicken, don't order the tangerine chicken.
Sheldon: I like tangerine chicken, I'm just not getting tangerine chicken.

Sheldon: But why talk to me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz?
Penny: Well, Koothrappali can't talk to me unless he's drunk, and Wolowitz is... just disgusting.
Sheldon: Yes, I guess he is.

Penny: It's just that Leonard is not the type of guy I usually go out with.
Sheldon: Leonard's not the type of guy most people go out with.

Sheldon: What do I have to say to bring this discussion to a speedy conclusion?
Leonard Hofstadter: Tell me whether or not I should go out with Penny.
Sheldon: Schrodinger's cat.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wow, that is brilliant!
Sheldon: You sound so surprised.

Penny: [meeting Sheldon in the hallway] I'm sorry... look, do you have a second?
Sheldon: A second what? Pair of underwear?

Penny: Wanna sit down?
Sheldon: Oh, I wish it were that simple... You see, I don't spend much time here, so I've never chosen a place to sit.
Penny: Well, choose.
Sheldon: There are a number of options... I'm really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, airflow patterns and dispersion of sunlight, to make in informed choice.

Leonard Hofstadter: I don't think I can go out with her tonight.
Sheldon: Then, don't.
Leonard Hofstadter: Other people would say "Why not?"
Sheldon: Other people might be interested.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm gonna talk anyway.
Sheldon: I assumed you would.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Herb Garden Germination (#4.20)" (2011)
Sheldon: I've been thinking about Dr.Green's efforts to make science palatable for the masses.
Leonard: Yeah? What about it?
Sheldon: That's all. I've just been thinking about it. Now I'm thinking about fractal equations. Now I'm thinking about the origin of the phrase "train of thought." Now I'm thinking about trains.
Raj Koothrappali: Are you listening to this guy?
Howard Wolowitz: Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry, I was somewhere else.
Leonard: Lucky bastard!
Sheldon: Now I'm thinking about Jell-o.

[Amy is telling Sheldon about her addiction research]
Amy: I recently trained a capuchin monkey to smoke cigarettes.
Sheldon: Have you learned anything?
Amy: Yes. He looks much cooler than the non-smoking monkeys. Although it's not much of a contest. The other monkeys just sit around and masturbate.

[Sheldon and Leonard are playing Wii archery]
Sheldon: What an elf I would have made.

Sheldon: I'm no stranger to memetic epidemiology. At Johnson Elementary School, the phrase "Shelly Cooper's a smelly pooper" spread like wildfire.
Amy: I should think so. That's gold.

[Leonard walks into the apartment with takeout]
Leonard: Hope you're hungry.
Sheldon: Interesting. A friendly sentiment in this country... cruel taunt in the Sudan. It's a lesson in context.

Sheldon: I must say, Amy, pretending to have intercourse with you has given me a great deal of satisfaction.

Amy: Bernadette just asked about my sexual encounter with you. The meme has reached full penetration.
Sheldon: Pun intended?
Amy: No. Happy accident.
Sheldon: This is remarkable. Took less than 24 hours.
Amy: I should let you know that she asked for details about our dalliance.
Sheldon: Interesting. So it went beyond the mere fact of coitus to a blow-by-blow, as it were.
Amy: Pun intended?
Sheldon: I'm sorry, what pun?

Amy: I described your lovemaking as aloof, but effective.
Sheldon: I wish you hadn't done that! That's going to make me a chick magnet, and I'm so busy as it is.

[first lines]
Brian Greene: My new book, 'The Hidden Reality', takes on a grand question: Is *our* universe the only universe? You see, there's a growing belief among scientists like me that ours may only be one among many universes populating a gigantic cosmos. In 'The Hidden Reality' I explore this possibility without presuming any knowledge of mathematics or physics on the part of the reader.
Sheldon: [to Amy] Hysterical.
Amy: [to Sheldon] I'm glad you talked me into this. We work so hard sometimes it's nice to goof off and do something silly.
Sheldon: Agreed. Yo, wait 'til you hear how he dumbs down Werner Heisenberg for the crowd. You may actually believe you're in a comedy club.
Brian Greene: You can think about Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle much like the special order menu that you find in certain Chinese restaurants where you have dishes in column A and other dishes in column B, and if you order the first dish in column A you can't order the corresponding dish in column B; that's sort of like the Uncertainty Principle.
Sheldon: Ba-dum-bump.

[last lines]
Amy: [to Penny] Just stopped by to let you know I'm getting orthotics. Also I'm carrying Sheldon's baby. Mum's the word.
[Amy, walking down the stairs, meets Sheldon who is coming up looking at his cell phone]
Sheldon: You're *pregnant*?
Amy: Wow. is there anything on there about orthotics?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Closure Alternative (#6.21)" (2013)
Penny: Sheldon, there are two dumplings left; do you want 'em?
Sheldon Cooper: Dumplings! Don't you understand what's going on here?
Penny: As a rule, no.

Amy Farrah Fowler: You know, Sheldon, sometimes people seek the comfort of physical contact in moments like this.
Sheldon Cooper: [pause as he considers this] I am not flying back to Texas just so my mom can give me a hug.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh dear! Penny, have you been recording shows on our DVR again?
Penny: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Answer honestly; this is not a trial. That'll come later.
Penny: Absolutely not.
[quietly to Leonard]
Penny: Help me out here; I can't afford another demerit.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, maybe we were hacked. You know, the Chinese have been hacking everything lately.
Sheldon Cooper: Why would the Chinese make our DVR record 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know... It's a fat guy on a Segway; that's funny everywhere.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm deleting it.
Penny: Well, hang on! Maybe the Chinese haven't finished watching it yet.

Sheldon Cooper: They can't just cancel a show like Alphas. You know, they have to help the viewers let go. Firefly did a movie to wrap things up. Buffy the Vampire Slayer continued on as a comic book. Heroes gradually lowered the quality season by season till we were grateful it ended.

Sheldon Cooper: I do not have a compulsive need for closure.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, really?
[Knocks "Shave and a Haircut" on table]
Sheldon Cooper: [after an awkward pause, knocks "Two Bits"] That proves nothing.

Sheldon Cooper: You don't know what it feels like to feel completely frustrated, to have a desire built up and be denied any opportunity for release.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Gives Sheldon a death stare] Yeah, sounds like a drag.

Sheldon Cooper: Tic-tac-toe can only end in win, lose or draw, and I'm about to win.
[Amy erases the game before Sheldon can finish]
Sheldon Cooper: But we weren't finished!
Amy Farrah Fowler: And how does that make you feel?
Sheldon Cooper: Like I want to rip my face off and tear it into little Sheldon face confetti.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [Has a birthday cake prepared for Sheldon] Make a wish and blow out the candles.
[Sheldon blows out the candles, but Amy blocks one with a paper plate]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oops, you missed one. Now your wish won't come true.
Sheldon Cooper: Lucky for you, cause I wished you were dead.

Penny: Sheldon, you big weirdo. I want you to know that I love you're in my life.
Sheldon Cooper: [On the floor in ecstasy after undoing all of Amy's closure avoidance therapy] And I love you, too!

Sheldon Cooper: I must say, I was skeptical at first, but this turned out to be a transformative evening.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm surprised of how positive you are.
Sheldon Cooper: You're an excellent neuroscientist, a wonderful girlfriend, and...
Amy Farrah Fowler: And?
Sheldon Cooper: It hardly matters now, does it?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm proud of you, Sheldon.
[Leaves]
Sheldon Cooper: [after closing the door] And a complete sucker!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Terminator Decoupling (#2.17)" (2009)
Sheldon Cooper: I'm confused. I thought you were involved in some sort of socially intimate pairing with Leslie Winkle.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, let me explain to you how this works.
Sheldon Cooper: All right.
Howard Wolowitz: That's Summer Glau.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Howard Wolowitz: That's it.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: So I'm thinking, you won the Nobel Prize, what, three years ago? So you must deal with a whole lot of "what has Smoot done lately?" My thought is we continue my research as a team; you know: Cooper-Smoot - alphabetical - and when we win the Nobel Prize, you'll be back on top.
Dr. George Smoot: With all due respect, Doctor Cooper, are you on crack?
[he walks away]
Sheldon Cooper: Fine, Smoot-Cooper. Wow, what a diva.

[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, Raj, hand me the number six Torx screwdriver.
Sheldon Cooper: Stop! We can't do this; it's not right.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Sheldon, you have two choices; either you let him put a bigger hard drive in the TiVo, or you delete stuff before we go out of town.
Sheldon Cooper: But once you open the box, you've voided the warranty. The warranty is a sacred covenant we've entered into with the manufacturer; he offers to stand by his equipment, and we in return agree not to violate the integrity of the internal hardware. This little orange sticker is all that stands between us and anarchy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, then we won't touch the hard drive; we'll just erase the first season of 'Battlestar'.
Sheldon Cooper: [Tears off orange seal] There, we're outlaws.

Sheldon Cooper: [after forgetting his flash drive] Oh, this is an unmitigated disaster!
Leonard Hofstadter: There's nothing you can do about it, so relax. Sit back, enjoy the clickety-clack of the steel wheels on the polished rails!
Sheldon Cooper: [in rhythm with the wheels] You-forgot-your-flash-drive, you-forgot-your-flash-drive, you-forgot-your-flash-drive, you-forgot-your-flash-drive, you-forgot-your-flash-drive...
Leonard Hofstadter: [looking at his watch] Only 10 hours, 55 minutes to go.

Sheldon Cooper: I forgot my flash drive!
Leonard Hofstadter: So?
Sheldon Cooper: So we have to go back!
Leonard Hofstadter: Ok, Sheldon, I'm gonna say "why?" and your answer cannot be "because I forgot my flash drive".

Penny: I love San Francisco; I wish I was going with you.
Sheldon Cooper: I understand your envy; this is a can't-miss symposium. There are going to be discussions on bio-organic cellular computer devices, advancements in multi-threaded task completion, plus a round-table on the non-equilibrium green function approach to the photo-ionization process in atoms.
Penny: When I go, I usually just get hammered and ride the cable-cars.

Penny: Have a good flight.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yean, I wish.
Sheldon Cooper: We're not flying; we're taking the train.
Penny: Oh, cool.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, cool. Seven times as long as flying and costs almost twice as much.
Penny: Well then, why are you doing it?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, we had a vote. Three of us voted for airplane; Sheldon voted for train; so, we're taking the train.

Leonard Hofstadter: Well, it seems once again you're caught between a rock and a crazy place.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I hate when that happens!

Sheldon Cooper: Of course, if SkyNet actually did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in popular films and television series, lulling us into a false sense of security, i.e., that's Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. No, Summer, don't kill me! I'm pro-robot! Ahh!
Leonard Hofstadter: At least he's off the train crap.
Sheldon Cooper: Whee!
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, I owe you an apology. Taking the train was a stroke of brilliance! I've actually got a shot at a Terminator.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, please.When it comes to Terminators, you've got a better shot of scoring with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Howard Wolowitz: You're overlooking something. I have 11 hours with her in a confined space. Unless she's willing to jump off a moving train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard Hofstadter: My money's on tuck and roll.

Sheldon Cooper: It's Sheldon.
Penny: Oh, hey, Sheldon! How is San Francisco?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not in San Francisco. I'm on a train. Were you even listening to me?
Penny: Uh, no, I was talking to my friend, but what's up?
Sheldon Cooper: What's up? I'll tell you what's up. I'm in a crisis situation, and I need you to marshal your powers of concentration, limited as they may be...
Leonard Hofstadter: Give me the phone. Hi, Penny. It's Leonard.
Penny: Hey, Leonard. What's going on with Dr. Wackadoodle?
Leonard Hofstadter: He's calling to ask you a favor. You might be confused because he didn't use the words, Penny, Sheldon, please or favor.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Panty Piñata Polarization (#2.7)" (2008)
Penny: What was my first strike?
Sheldon Cooper: March eighteenth. You violated my rule about forwarding e-mail humor.
Penny: I did?
Sheldon Cooper: The photo of a cat who wants to "haz cheezburger"?
Penny: Oh, come on, everyone loves LOLcats. They're cute, and they can't spell, 'cause they're cats.

Leonard Hofstadter: [about the Next Top Model house] Are you insane? You're not going to party with them. You're not even going to get anywhere near that place.
Howard Wolowitz: That's what they said to Neil Armstrong abut the moon.
Sheldon Cooper: No one said anything of the kind to Neil Armstrong. The entire nation dedicated a decade of effort and treasure to put a man on the moon.
Howard Wolowitz: Well, my fellow Americans, before this year is out, we will put a Wolowitz on one of America's top models.
Rajesh Koothrappali: And a large number of people will believe it never happened.

Sheldon Cooper: You can't do that. Not only is it a violation of California State law, it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.
Penny: Yeah, I know; there's a new policy: No shoes, no shirt, no Sheldon.
Howard Wolowitz: I bet we could sell that sign all over Pasadena.

Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, Penny, but we're...
Leonard Hofstadter: No don't tell her!
Sheldon Cooper: ...playing Klingon Boggle.
Leonard Hofstadter: Awww...
Howard Wolowitz: What do you mean "aww," like she didn't know we were nerds?

Sheldon Cooper: Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken.
Penny: Yeah, well your "ken" can kiss my Barbie.

Penny: [Referring to her underwear] How the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire?
Sheldon Cooper: When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, "Mwah, ha, ha."
Penny: Get them down.
Sheldon Cooper: Apologize.
Penny: Never!
Sheldon Cooper: Well then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata.

Sheldon Cooper: [in a computer message] Hello, puny insects. As a consequence of your efforts to circumvent my will, Everyone is awarded one additional strike.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thanks a lot, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: What are you complaining about? I'm the one who has to take the class again.

[Penny has innocently taken an onion ring from Sheldon's plate of food]
Penny: I didn't know. I'm sorry.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I'm sorry, but that is your second strike.
Penny: What?
Sheldon Cooper: You have two strikes. Three strikes, and you're out.
[Penny looks at him blankly]
Sheldon Cooper: It's a sports metaphor.
Penny: A sports metaphor?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, baseball.

Sheldon Cooper: Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you've become a member of our social group I have to hold you to the same high standards as everybody else.
Leonard Hofstadter: Congratulations, you're officially one of us.
Howard Wolowitz: [chanting] One of us! One of us!

Sheldon Cooper: Penny.
Penny: Yes?
Sheldon Cooper: Well played.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: Just remember, with great power cones great responsibility.
Penny: Understood.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem (#2.6)" (2008)
Sheldon Cooper: [to female grad student] Amazing! An intelligent labradoodle.
Howard Wolowitz: [to same grad student] Woof.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon lives in fear of the three tine fork.
Sheldon Cooper: Three tines is not a fork. Three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas.

Sheldon Cooper: [addressing a class of graduate students] I weep for the future of science. Now if you'll excuse me, the latest issue of Batman is out.

[Sheldon has just accepted a graduate student's request for dinner in his place]
Sheldon Cooper: What a nice girl.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, do you have any idea what just happened?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, apparently I'm getting a free dinner.

[Penny walks in on Sheldon having his nails done by Ramona]
Ramona Nowitzki: Dr. Cooper is working.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, I'm close to a breakthrough. Oh, tickles!

Ramona Nowitzki: You're not going to Halo night.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, I am. It's Wednesday. Wednesday's Halo night.
Ramona Nowitzki: Didn't a great man once say science demands nothing less than the fervent and unconditional dedication of our entire lives?
Sheldon Cooper: He did.
Ramona Nowitzki: And who was that great man?
Sheldon Cooper: Me. Sorry, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: Seriously? You're not coming?
Sheldon Cooper: You heard her. How can I argue with me?

Leonard Hofstadter: [addressing a class of graduate students] So, if any of you are considering in going into experimental physics, my door is always open. Once again, I'm sorry that the demonstration didn't quite work out. But, now we know what happens when you accidentally spill Peach Snapple into a helium-neon laser. The short answer is... don't. And now, to tell you about the theoretical physics department is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
[students applaud]
Leonard Hofstadter: Dr. Cooper...
Sheldon Cooper: [In closet] Forget it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Excuse me.
[opening door to closet]
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, we both agreed to do this.
Sheldon Cooper: It's a waste of time. I might as well explain the laws of thermodynamics to a bunch of labradoodles.
Leonard Hofstadter: If you don't do this, I won't take you to the comic book store.
Sheldon Cooper: [Coming out] Hello. Nice work with the laser, by the way.

Leslie Winkle: So, Sheldon, I see you're organizing your papers for the Smithsonian Museum of Dumb-Assery.
Ramona Nowitzki: There won't be any room until they get rid of the permanent Leslie Winkle exhibit.
Sheldon: Oh, good one.
Leslie Winkle: I see you got a grad student to fight your battles for you. I'll let you keep your lunch money today.

Ramona Nowitzki: Oh, sorry I'm late. I just got so caught up reading the draft of your latest paper.
Sheldon Cooper: Did you enjoy the humorous footnote where I illustrate mirror-symmetry by likening it to the Flash playing tennis with himself?
Ramona Nowitzki: Oh, funny. But the idea that you might be able to incorporate gravity, I have to tell you, I found it physically exhilarating.
Sheldon Cooper: My hypotheses tend to have that effect.

Sheldon Cooper: How can I ever repay you?
Ramona Nowitzki: Would you consider naming it the Cooper-Nowitzki theorem?
Sheldon Cooper: Who's Nowitzki?
Ramona Nowitzki: I'm Nowitzki.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh. You want me to share credit?
Ramona Nowitzki: Uh-huh.
Sheldon Cooper: GET OUT!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Wheaton Recurrence (#3.19)" (2010)
Leonard Hofstadter: Could we please talk about something else? Maybe something vaguely related to life as we know it on this planet?
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, how about this for a topic: Why is Leonard being a giant douche? Assuming giant douches are possible.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course they are. Leonard's being one.

Sheldon Cooper: I so loathe you.
Wil Wheaton: That's right, Sheldon. Embrace the dark side.
Sheldon Cooper: That's not even from your franchise!

Stuart: You guys still on for bowling tonight?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, yes. In fact, I've prepared some trash talk for the occasion. You bowl like your momma! Unless of course she bowls well, in which case you bowl nothing like her.
Stuart: Oh. Ouch.
Sheldon Cooper: That is what is referred to as a burn on you.

Sheldon Cooper: You did this, didn't you?
Wil Wheaton: You think I would really break up a couple just to win a bowling match?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I suppose not.
Wil Wheaton: Good. Keep thinking that.
Sheldon Cooper: [under his breath] Wheaton!

Sheldon Cooper: Penny, reminder. Bowling, tonight at seven o'clock.
Penny: Oh, right. Bowling.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, you don't have to come if you don't want to.
Penny: No, no, it's okay. I mean, let's face it, you guys would get creamed without me.
Sheldon Cooper: We would indeed. In this particular case your lack of femininity works to our advantage.
Penny: Always nice chatting with you, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Sarcasm?
Penny: Thinly-veiled contempt.
Sheldon Cooper: Remember: seven o'clock!
Penny: Got it!
Sheldon Cooper: Pacific Daylight Time.
Penny: Bite me!

Sheldon Cooper: [as Wil picks up a spare] A common spare; the Miss Congeniality of the bowling pageant. Before you jump on twitter to tout your modest accomplishment, watch how it's really done.
[picks up ball]
Sheldon Cooper: I am the ball. My thoughts are its thoughts. Its holes are my holes.

Wil Wheaton: You're not still carrying a grudge because I beat you at that card tournament, are you?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm the proud owner of wilwheatonstinks.com, .net and .org. What does that tell you?
Wil Wheaton: It tells me that I am living rent-free right here.
[Points at Sheldon's head]

Sheldon Cooper: This is for you.
Penny: Ice cream?
Sheldon Cooper: I've been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she's upset, she says "Ack!" and eats ice cream.
Penny: Uuum... Ack!
Sheldon Cooper: If you were a cat, I would've brought you a lasagna.

Penny: Leonard, stop pressuring me.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not pressuring you.
Penny: Yeah, you are! Just back off!
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, I'm sorry. I'll shut up.
Penny: I didn't mean shut up.
Leonard Hofstadter: Fine. Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it.
Penny: No. That isn't fair to you, Leonard. I'm sorry.
[she heads for the door]
Sheldon Cooper: Wait! Where are you going? Penny, come back! I'll get you ice cream!
Leonard Hofstadter: No, let her go.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you insane? If she leaves, it's over!
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm pretty sure it's already over.

Sheldon: Well, well, well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton. The Green Goblin to my Spider Man. The Pope Paul V to my Galileo. The Internet Explorer to my Firefox.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Speckerman Recurrence (#5.11)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: Is this the fella who peed in your Hawaiian punch?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, that was a different guy.
Sheldon Cooper: Was this the guy who wedgied you so hard your testicle reassended and you spent the whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, that was a different-different guy.
Sheldon Cooper: Was he the one who used your head to open a nut?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, oh, oh! Was he the one who made you eat your arm hair?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, that... Actually, that was this guy's sister.

Sheldon Cooper: You know, the holidays are just around the corner. Maybe he wants to see if he can lodge your other testicle up there.
Leonard Hofstadter: I told you, that was a different guy.
Penny: Mm, that's too bad. Could've spent New Year's Eve waiting for the ball to drop.

Sheldon Cooper: "One for good luck." Must be the math they do at Princeton.

Sheldon Cooper: [while they run] You did it, Leonard! You stood up to your bully!
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I feel pretty good about myself. You think we can outrun him?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't need to outrun him. I just need to outrun you!

Leonard Hofstadter: Do you want to hear something weird?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon Cooper: In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was made an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you talking about?
Sheldon Cooper: You asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, because I have something weird to tell her.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh. I thought it was a game.

Sheldon Cooper: OK, Penny, if it were a game, here are your choices: an email from an old acquaintance or the head of one of the largest religious institutions in the world slam-dunking to Sweet Georgia Brown. Pick.
Leonard Hofstadter: Just do it because he's not gonna let it go.
Penny: Basketball Pope.
Sheldon Cooper: And that's how it's done.

Jimmy: Look at you. Little Leonard Hofstadter. I hear you're a big time scientist now.
Sheldon Cooper: And there's the first zinger. Ouch.

Sheldon Cooper: [Watching the Nobel Prize ceremonies] Look at these men. They've managed to win the top science prize in the world with no more knowledge of the quantum underpinnings of the expansion of the early universe than God gave a goose. Pay attention, Leonard. That might be you someday.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.
Leonard Hofstadter: I might kill him right now.
Sheldon Cooper: The Dark Knight has your back. He's scared, but he has your back.

Sheldon Cooper: What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you're a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature, and his congenital lack of masculinity.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon...
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you're a mess.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Infestation Hypothesis (#5.2)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: [knock knock knock] Amy?
[knock knock knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy?
[knock knock knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy?
Amy Farrah Fowler: You are aware that your ritualistic knocking behavior is symptomatic of obsessive compulsive disorder?
Sheldon Cooper: Is not! Is not, is not.

Leonard Hofstadter: Some people might say that it's great that we'rre trying to make things work long distance. They'd say things like "Love is stronger than the miles between you."
Sheldon Cooper: When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.

Leonard Hofstadter: You videochat with Amy all the time. How is this different?
Sheldon Cooper: Don't you like Amy?
Leonard Hofstadter: Of course I like Amy.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, there's the difference.

Sheldon Cooper: [to Leonard as he videochats with Priya] I miss the old days when your romantic partners could be returned to the video store.

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, thank goodness I found you. I need you to check my head for chair lice.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not going to check you for lice again.
Howard Wolowitz: Just his head, right?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want to talk about it.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion.
Sheldon Cooper: Name one time I've ever done that.
Leonard Hofstadter: How about when you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you were convinced North Korean spies were stealing your doodles? The chicken nuggets you were sure were human nuggets. The strangely shaped cloud that was following you around town. The time you put on my shirt by mistake and were convinced you'd growing again.
Sheldon Cooper: I said name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.

Sheldon Cooper: [to Leonard as he tries cybersex with Priya] Please let me know when you and your girlfriend are done hogging the bandwidth for your self-abuse. I'm trying to stream a movie on Netflix in here.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Kiss me where I've never been kissed before.
Sheldon Cooper: You mean like Salt Lake City?

Leonard Hofstadter: Some people might say it's good that Priya and I are trying to make things work long distance. They would say things like "Your love is stronger than the miles between you".
Sheldon: When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Engagement Reaction (#4.23)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: Do you know where the phrase jibber-jabber comes from?
Penny: Oh, my God, you're about to jibber-jabber about jibber-jabber.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, let's go!
Sheldon Cooper: To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don't think so.
Penny: Okay, well, your friend and his mother are there. We're going!
Sheldon Cooper: I can't.
Penny: Oh, don't tell me you're afraid of germs.
Sheldon Cooper: Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. The same way I'm not afraid of all steak knives; just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah-uh, fine, I'll tell Howard you didn't come because you're more concerned about your own well-being than his.
Sheldon Cooper: I would think he would know that.
Penny: Okay, you know what? You are unbelievable. You buy all these superhero T-shirts but when it's time for you to step up and do the right thing, you just hide in the laundry room.
Sheldon Cooper: Fine, I'll go. Just for the record, my Aunt Ruth died in a hospital. She went in to visit my Uncle Roger, caught something, and bit the dust a week later. The two of them now share a coffee can on my mother's mantel.

Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon has walked into a quarantined room] Oh, what fresh hell is this?
[tries to leave]
Nurse in Biohazard Suit: Wait, you can't leave here, you've been exposed!
Sheldon Cooper: [puts his shirt over his nose] No, I haven't. It's all good.

[last lines]
[the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a with a quarantined Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: [plays card] Mountain Elf.
Raj Koothrappali: He takes the elf from off the shelf.
Leonard Hofstadter: [plays card] Hellhounds.
Raj Koothrappali: Hellhounds!
[to the tune of "Who Let The Dogs Out"]
Raj Koothrappali: Who let the Satanic dogs out? Who, who, who?
Howard Wolowitz: [plays card] Colossal Serpent.
Raj Koothrappali: [grabs his crotch] I've got a colossal serpent *right here*.
Sheldon Cooper: [exasperated] Must you?
Raj Koothrappali: Sorry, I'm just trying to cheer my buddy up.
[plays card]
Raj Koothrappali: Rotting Zombie.
[brief pause]
Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon's new Facebook photo.
Sheldon Cooper: Zandor, wizard of the North, ha, I win!
Howard Wolowitz: If you skip the part about being under a two week quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease, absolutely.

Sheldon Cooper: I gargled with tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.
Leonard Hofstadter: You all right?
Sheldon Cooper: Fine. Thank you for asking. I love you so much.

[Sheldon has accidentally drunk out of Leonard's water glass]
Sheldon Cooper: The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth "home sweet home." Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey! That's my sister and my country you're talking about! Leonard may have defiled one, but I won't have you talking smack about the other!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You guys ready to order?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin, some syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting, and a mint.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't understand.
Howard Wolowitz: He drank from Leonard's glass.
Sheldon Cooper: "He drank from Leonard's glass." Words they'll be carving into my tombstone.

[Sheldon takes a drink of water]
Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon, that's my water.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh dear Lord!
[he runs into the bathroom]
Leonard Hofstadter: That's not your water.
Raj Koothrappali: I know.
[Leonard smiles]
Sheldon Cooper: [off-screen] Where's the mouth wash?
Raj Koothrappali: [pulling it out from underneath the cushion next to him] Where indeed?

[the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a]
Sheldon Cooper: [plays card] Fire demon.
Raj Koothrappali: Ooh, fire demon, Sheldon's turning up the heat!
Howard Wolowitz: [plays card] Troll master.
Raj Koothrappali: Check it, Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice!
Leonard Hofstadter: [plays card] Water nymph.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh yeah, she's got puddles in all the right places.
Sheldon Cooper: Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?
Raj Koothrappali: Sorry.
[plays card]
Raj Koothrappali: Walking tree.
[looks at Sheldon imploringly]
Sheldon Cooper: Last one
Raj Koothrappali: I'm taking a stroll and I'm sporting wood!

Howard Wolowitz: It was either a heart attack, or a heart attack like event.
Penny: What's the difference?
Sheldon: A heart attack like event is an event that's like a heart attack.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Precious Fragmentation (#3.17)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: I would advise the three of you that resistance is futile. I have endless patience. I once spent two-and-a-half hours on hold with Hewlett-Packard customer service just to complain about their customer service.
Leonard Hofstadter: You want to talk about endless patience? Penny made me watch all five seasons of Sex and the City.
Raj Koothrappali: There's six seasons, dude.
Leonard Hofstadter: Aw, crap!

Sheldon Cooper: [Penny hits Sheldon when he tried to get the ring from her neck in her sleep] You hit me! I'm bleeding!
Leonard Hofstadter: What was that?
Penny: Sheldon tried to take the ring and I punched him.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's my girl.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Why do I always have to carry the heavy stuff?
Sheldon Cooper: Well it's very simple. In our ragtag band of scientists with nothing to lose, I am the smart one, Wolowitz is the funny one, and Koothrappali is the loveable foreigner who struggles to understand our ways and fails. That leaves you, by default, as the muscle.
Leonard Hofstadter: One more floor and I'd be the pulled muscle.

Sheldon Cooper: [Takes the ring] Mine!
Leonard Hofstadter: No, it is not yours. We all went in on the box together.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, but I found it in the box, and the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner of the treasure.
Leonard Hofstadter: How is this maritime salvage?
Sheldon Cooper: Other than the lack of water, how is it not?

Howard Wolowitz: So, Sheldon. How's it feel to be beaten up by a girl?
Sheldon Cooper: It's not the first time. I have a twin sister whose assaults began in utero. If only I'd had the presence of mind to re-absorb her. Then I'd have a mole with hair in it, instead of a tedious yearly Christmas letter.

Sheldon Cooper: If you're suggesting that that is the actual Ring of Power forged by Sauron in Mount Doom, I look at you with an expression of exhaustion and ever-so-slight amusement.

Sheldon Cooper: Where's the ring?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's in a FedEx box on its way back to where it came from.
Raj Koothrappali: The fires of Mount Doom?

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Give us the precious.
Leonard Hofstadter: Never!
Sheldon Cooper: [they fight] Give it to me!
Leonard Hofstadter: Get off of me!
Sheldon Cooper: Give me the ring!
Sheldon Cooper: It's mine!
Penny: OK. I gotta go back to dating dumb guys from the gym.
Sheldon Cooper: Give it to me! I said give it to me!
Leonard Hofstadter: Mi-i-i-i-i-ne!

Sheldon Cooper: I have endless patience. I once spent two and a half hours on hold with Hewlitt Packard's customer service just to complain about their customer service.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Contractual Obligation Implementation (#6.18)" (2013)
[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Look, I know you guys don't want to do this but we have no choice, so you can either bitch and whine, or we can just get it over with.
Howard Wolowitz: I got whine.
Sheldon Cooper: I got the 'b' word.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, well, it's in our contract to serve on a university committee, and frankly this is one I believe in. Okay, here we go. 'Encouraging more women to pursue a career in the sciences.'
Howard Wolowitz: C'mon, if I was any good at convincing women to do stuff, I wouldn't have spent so much of my twenties in the shower.

Sheldon Cooper: I believe in a gender-blind society like in Star Trek, where women and men of all races and creeds worked side by side as equals.
Leonard Hofstadter: You mean where they were advanced enough to invent an inter-stellar warp drive but a black lady still answered the space phone?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I did spend a lot of my shower time with Lieutenant Uhura.

Sheldon Cooper: I suppose there is a history of professional women using their initials so as not to be prejudged: Harry Potter's J.K. Rowling... uh, Star Trek's D.C. Fontana...
Howard Wolowitz: Van Nuys pole dancer D.D. Melons.

Sheldon Cooper: Well, I think this whole thing is a waste of time.
Leonard Hofstadter: You mean helping women get interested in science?
Sheldon Cooper: No, helping anyone. People should be able to take care of themselves.
Leonard Hofstadter: You mean like when I drove you to the pharmacy, the dry cleaners and the post office?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not against people using tools. Even an otter picks up a rock once in a while to open a clam.

Leonard Hofstadter: We're supposed to be encouraging women to study science. Can you at least play a less sexist game?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't see anything sexist. She can handle a battleaxe as well as any man.
Howard Wolowitz: And she has mammary glands that can breast feed a family of thirty and have enough milk left over to open a Baskin-Robbins.
Sheldon Cooper: Mother, warrior princess, small business owner, I see glass ceilings shattering all over the place.

Sheldon Cooper: Oh, hold on. While I'm comfortable speaking about science, I'm not sure I know how to spark the interest of school children. Better Google it.
Howard Wolowitz: What exactly are you looking up?
Sheldon Cooper: [Types] How do I get twelve-year-old girls excited?
Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz: Nooo!

Leonard Hofstadter: Nice of your school to let us talk to girls about science.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. They're very excited to hear from their most famous student, except for the serial killer that ate all those prostitutes.
Sheldon Cooper: Must be exciting to come back to your alma mater as an astronaut.
Howard Wolowitz: I know. I left here a skinny nerd...
Leonard Hofstadter: And now you're also an astronaut.

[last lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Lying on the couch, dressed as Snow White] Sheldon, all Snow White needs is one kiss to wake up.
Sheldon Cooper: [Sitting at his desk] I heard you the first time.

[last lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Amy is lying on the couch in a Snow White costume] Sheldon, all Snow White needs is one little kiss to wake up.
Sheldon Cooper: Heard you the first time.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Raiders Minimization (#7.4)" (2013)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: [theme from 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' is playing] So, what do you think?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It was good.
Sheldon Cooper: That's it? Good?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I enjoyed it. When you told me I was going to be "losing my virginity" I didn't think you meant showing me 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' for the first time.
Sheldon Cooper: My apologies; I chose my words poorly. I should have said you were about to have your world rocked on my couch. Anyway, thank you for watching it. It's one of my all-time favorites.
Sheldon Cooper: It was very entertaining, despite the glaring story problem.
Sheldon Cooper: Story problem? Oh, Amy! What a dewy-eyed moon-calf you are. 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' is the lovechild of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation. I've watched it thirty-six times, except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene which I can only watch when it's still light out, but. I defy you to find a story problem. Here's my jaw; drop it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: All right. Indiana Jones plays no role in the outcome of the story. If he weren't in the film, it would turn out exactly the same.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I see your confusion. You don't understand; Indiana Jones was the one in the hat with the whip.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No, I do. And if he weren't in the movie the Nazis would have still found the ark, taken it to the island, opened it up, and all died. Just like they did. Let me close that for you.
[gently pushes his chin up to close his mouth]

Sheldon Cooper: Amy ruined 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' for me. So, now I'm trying to find something beloved to her and ruin that.
Howard Wolowitz: Because her life wasn't enough?

Amy Farrah Fowler: Hello, Sheldon, is everything OK?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Why?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, the last time you made an unscheduled video chat, there was a curly fry in your regular fries, and you thought someone might be trying to slip you a mickey.
Sheldon Cooper: April thirteenth. A dark night indeed.

Sheldon Cooper: [to Amy] I'm mad at you. Not only did you ruin 'Raiders' for me, you may have ruined the whole franchise. Except for the fourth one, which was bad before you got your mitts on it.

[last lines]
Howard Wolowitz: Wait! Wait! If it wasn't for Indiana Jones, the ark would never have ended up at the warehouse.
Sheldon Cooper: That's true. He collected and delivered the ark to the proper authorities for filing.
Raj Koothrappali: Like a hero!
Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz: Yeah!
Leonard Hofstadter: Although technically Indy was supposed to take the ark to a museum to be studied; he couldn't even get that done.
Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz, Raj Koothrappali: Aw.
Sheldon Cooper: Man.

Sheldon Cooper: Well. You sit back, relax and enjoy a beloved childhood memory. You see that cabin there. I read they were illegally squatting on Indian land. Well, personally I think what we did to the Native Americans was wrong, but this is your favorite show, not mine. Oh look at little Laura Ingalls eating that peanut butter sandwich. Peanut butter, huh. That's strange since peanut butter wasn't introduced until the early 1900's.
[Amy stops smiling]
Sheldon Cooper: If I knew this show was about time travel I would have watched it much sooner.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Amy stops the show] You're trying to get back at me for what I said about" Raiders of the Lost Ark".
Sheldon Cooper: That's silly. Almost as silly as Dr. Baker having a telephone since telephones only existed in large cities at the time. It's more like "Little House on the Preposterous".
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon were in a relationship. When you get angry, tell me. You don't need to seek revenge.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you sure? Every time my Dad stayed out all night my Mom put hamster poop in his chewing tobacco.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, that's not how we're going to do it.
Sheldon Cooper: ell, fine. I'm mad at you. Not only did you ruin Raiders for me but you may have ruined the whole franchise, except for the fourth one which was bad before you got your mits on it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I shouldn't have said it. I'm sorry.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You feel better?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. But not as good when I tell you, your precious Garfield has no reason to hate Mondays. He's a cat. He doesn't have a job.

Sheldon Cooper: So what did you think?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It was good.
Sheldon Cooper: That's it? Good?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I enjoyed it. When you told me I was going to be losing my virginity I didn't think you meant showing me "Raiders of the Lost Ark" for the first time.

Sheldon Cooper: Amy ruined Raiders of the Lost Ark for me. So now I'm trying to find something beloved to her and ruin that.
Howard Wolowitz: Because her life wasn't enough?

Sheldon Cooper: Hang on. You spend time with Amy. Can you think of anything she's fond of that has a bunch of flaws that she hasn't noticed?
Leonard Hofstadter: I gotta go.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Weekend Vortex (#5.19)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Gentlemen, as much as I'm sure Sheldon would enjoy playing intergalactic make-believe, he and I have other plans. We are attending my Aunt Flora's 93rd birthday party.
Sheldon Cooper: Just tell her I can't come.
Amy Farrah Fowler: She'll be disappointed if we don't show up.
Sheldon Cooper: She's 93. She won't be disappointed for very long.

Sheldon Cooper: I always thought if I were ever enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet. Not some hotsie-totsie from Glendale.

Sheldon Cooper: Who wants to spend the whole weekend running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made-up monsters? That's for babies.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, but it's got lightsabers.
Sheldon Cooper: Please, Amy! It's got lightsabers!

Leonard Hofstadter: Bernadette, remember your character's the healer in our group. You're in charge of healing all of us, not just Howard.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I can't help it. My Howie-Wowie has an owie!
Sheldon Cooper: That is the most sickeningly sweet thing I have ever experienced, and I am sipping Kool-Aid through a Red Vine.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Now hang on. I followed all the protocols set forth by you in the relationship agreement. I made a written request seventy-two hours in advance. Checked the tire pressure on the car. I even contacted the Centers for Disease Control to find out what shots they recommend for travel to Orange County. FYI, it's none.
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, the Relationship Agreement was not designed for either one of us to get our way.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You use it to get your way.
Sheldon Cooper: I use it to get the right way. The fact that the right way is also my way is a happy coincidence.

Sheldon Cooper: When's the last time I asked you to do something for me?
Penny: Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.
Sheldon Cooper: When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn't a medical emergency?
Penny: Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.

Sheldon Cooper: All right then, I have no choice but to go on to plan B.
Penny: What's that?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm gonna run around outside with a wet head and try to catch a cold.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, my relatives are going to want to talk to you and you're going to be sitting there playing a game? Isn't that a little rude?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I got that covered. Headset. I won't hear a word the old geezers are saying.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, clear your weekend. Starting Saturday morning, Star Wars marathon!
Raj Koothrappali: Woo-hoo!
Leonard Hofstadter: Movies or video-games? Or board games? Or trading card games? Or Legos? Or dress-up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all!
Leonard Hofstadter: We are going to play the on-line game.
Sheldon Cooper: The on-line game. Bully!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Einstein Approximation (#3.14)" (2010)
[first lines]
Penny: Whatcha doing?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain.
Penny: Interesting. I usually just have coffee.

Penny: [Sheldon is using his hands like a spyglass] What is he doing now?
Leonard Hofstadter: Hmm, he's either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or... looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off.
Sheldon Cooper: Captain Hook's hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you're going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.
Leonard Hofstadter: Aye, aye, captain.

Howard Wolowitz: How long has he been stuck?
Leonard Hofstadter: Intellectually, about thirty hours. Emotionally, about twenty-nine years.
Sheldon Cooper: [muttering] The alkyl cell contains two carbon atoms. The interior angle of a hexagon's one hundred and pwenty degrees.
Howard Wolowitz: Have you tried rebooting him?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I think it's a firmware problem.

Penny: Sheldon, what do you want?
Sheldon Cooper: I came to tell you, I've got the answer.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really? You figured out the graphene problem?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I'm still hopelessly stuck on that, but I've figured out how to figure it out.
Penny: Hey, you know, Leonard, I know I said I could handle your roommate, but I was wrong; we're going to have to break up.
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you talking about?
Sheldon Cooper: Einstein.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I'm gonna need a little more than that.
Sheldon Cooper: Albert Einstein.
Leonard Hofstadter: Keep going...

Sandy: So, Mister Cooper, you're looking for a job.
Sheldon Cooper: A menial job. Like yours.
Sandy: Why, thank you for noticing. I'm menial employee of the month.

Sheldon Cooper: [Serves Howard] For you, the double bacon cheeseburger, breaking two Jewish dietary laws at once - kudos...
[Serves Raj]
Sheldon Cooper: ... the fish sticks with french fries - here's the tartar sauce, and this is a mango salsa; I think you'll like it, it gives it a little zing...
[Serves Leonard]
Sheldon Cooper: And the Factory enchilada grande, no cheese to avoid any lactose intolerance issues. Enjoy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Just a second. Black beans, not pinto beans?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: Double guacamole?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course.
Leonard Hofstadter: Lettuce shredded, not chopped?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: You understand why I'm doing this?
Sheldon Cooper: I do.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you, that will be all.

Sheldon Cooper: When Albert Einstein came up with Special Relativity, he was working at the Patent Office.
Leonard Hofstadter: So you're going to go work at the Patent Office?
Sheldon Cooper: Don't be absurd; that's in Washington. You know I could never live in a city the streets are laid out in a wheel and spoke pattern.

Sheldon Cooper: By the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you're on your back.
Penny: No, Leonard doesn't snore.
Sheldon Cooper: No, I wasn't talking to Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: Told you.

Raj Koothrappali: OK, just to be clear, roller-skating was my idea, and I'm very unhappy that you turned it into a double date, and I hope you both fall on your asses and break your coccyxes!
Sheldon Cooper: The plural of coccyx is coccyges.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Monster Isolation (#6.17)" (2013)
[last lines]
Penny: [Penny is performing on stage in A Streetcar Named Desire as Blanche DuBois] You love her very much, don't you?
Tom: Yes.
Penny: I think you have great capacity for devotion. You'll be lonely when she passes on, won't you? I understand what that is.
Tom: To be lonely?
Leonard Hofstadter: She's pretty good, huh?
Sheldon Cooper: She is, but when do they get to the part about streetcars?
Penny: ...when I was a very young girl. When I was sixteen years old I made the discovery. Love. All at once and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half a shadow. That's how it struck the world for me. But I was unlucky. Deluded.
Sheldon Cooper: She's remarkable.
Leonard Hofstadter: She really is.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Our Penny's a star.
Sheldon Cooper: How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress she can't remember "no tomato" on my hamburger?

Sheldon Cooper: A few people in the comments section have said that my delivery is robotic. Perhaps that isn't the compliment it sounds like.

Sheldon Cooper: If our friend the flag's taught me anything, it's to go where the wind takes you... as long as you remain firmly attached to a rigid pole.

Sheldon Cooper: How's the final stage of your nicotine addiction study going?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [as monkeys screech loudly off-screen] Fine. Just hold on.
[yells at monkeys]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Mommy's on the phone!
[Back to Sheldon]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sorry. We've cut the monkeys down to one cigarette a day, so things are a little intense. Makes me miss my marijuana-abusing flatworms; those guys were mellow.

Sheldon Cooper: I haven't seen Raj in several days. Is he no longer a part of our social group? And if so, should we be interviewing for a replacement? Perhaps this time we go Latin.
Howard Wolowitz: Just decided he's never leaving his apartment again.
Sheldon Cooper: Ah, brilliant! I've been itching to pull that trigger.

Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Welcome to Sheldon Cooper presents 'Fun with Flags'. My apologies that this episode is coming late. I did shoot one last week in honor of Black History Month, but I was informed by my roommate that my spot-on portrayal of George Washington Carver could be considered wildly racist. My heart goes out to the members of the African-American community, who, like me, have been kept down by the Man.

Penny: Maybe this time you could work on your body language a bit. You know, when you're all hunched like that you're shutting the audience out, but when you're relaxed and open you're inviting them in.
Sheldon Cooper: Right. And which one do I want?

Sheldon Cooper: So, Penny, what sort of flag questions keep you awake at night?
Penny: Um, well, I'm from Nebraska. So what can you tell me about the state flag?
Sheldon Cooper: Gosh, Penny. What'd you have for breakfast, a big glass of good-question juice?

Penny: [Opens the door just as Sheldon approaches] Oh, hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: [Uneasy] Oh, hi.
Penny: Do you want me to close so you can do your door thingie?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I wasn't going to do it.
Penny: So, what's up?
Sheldon Cooper: I just wanted to thank you for helping me with Fun With Flags...
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: ... Penny. And I found your acting advice helpful...
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: ... Penny. So I guess the answer to the question "who did a good job" is you...
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: ... Penny.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Boyfriend Complexity (#4.9)" (2010)
Leonard Hofstadter: You'll never guess what just happened.
Sheldon Cooper: You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal, which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you're back, to bring us all with you to the year 7010, where we are transported to work in the Thinkatorium, by telepathically-controlled flying dolphins?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Awww...
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny kissed me.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, who would ever guess that?

Leonard Hofstadter: Penny kissing me is not insane. She used to kiss me all the time.
Sheldon Cooper: Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By that standard, Penny is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Leonard Hofstadter: Why do I bother talking to you people?
Sheldon Cooper: If it'll make you feel better, we rarely listen.

Sheldon Cooper: [answering the phone] Hello.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, the elevator's out of order; you'll have to use the stairs.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course you can. Pizza dates back to the sixteenth century while the first elevator was not installed until 1852; that means that for over three hundred years people carried pizzas up stairs. Be part of that proud tradition.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'll go get Penny while that guy spits on our food.

Sheldon Cooper: I don't care for novelty editions of Monopoly. I prefer the classics: regular and Klingon.

Penny: I'd like to go over some proposed changes to the roommate agreement, specifically to address Penny's annoying personal habits.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, my God! What personal habits?
Penny: I have a list. FYI, overuse of the phrase "Oh my God" is number twelve.

Penny: Sheldon, you don't have to do this, because Leonard and I are not...
Leonard Hofstadter: Bu-bu-bu-bu, are you sure you want to include him in this?
Sheldon Cooper: Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I'll have no truck with plots.
Penny: [to Leonard] No, you're right.
[to Sheldon]
Penny: No, there's, there's no plot, no trucks, no... feet.

Sheldon Cooper: Just so you know, I was up all night, but I have finally completed the Penny-specific section of the new roommate agreement.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, well, not necessary. We broke up again,
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon throws the agreement up in the air] Do you even think about other people, Leonard? Do you?

[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: You know who's got to be the bravest person in the Marvel universe? Whoever has to give She-Hulk her bikini wax.
Howard Wolowitz: Want to talk brave? How about Captain America's undocumented Mexican gardener?
Leonard Hofstadter: He's not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after the Thing.
Sheldon Cooper: As usual you're all wrong; the bravest person in the Marvel universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.
Howard Wolowitz: How about the guy who gets a prostate exam from Wolverine?
Sheldon Cooper: Now you're just being silly. Wolverine never displayed the slightest interest in helping others prevent prostate cancer.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Apology Insufficiency (#4.7)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a Merry Christmas.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: No, seriously, I think I've finally figured out my problem with women.
Sheldon Cooper: The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family.
Leonard Hofstadter: What does that have to with me and women?
Sheldon Cooper: Nothing. It was a desperate attempt to introduce an alternate topic of conversation.

Sheldon: You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, bur your insistence on talking about you own lives stymies me at every turn.
Leonard: Fine, Sheldon, tell us about your giant rodent.
Sheldon: No, you squandered your time with me, and the moment has now passed. Feast on your disappointment, much as the capybara feasts on its own waste.

Leonard Hofstadter: What are you doing up?
Sheldon Cooper: Sleep eludes me, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really? Maybe sleep has met you before.

Howard Wolowitz: You're giving me a couch cushion?
Sheldon Cooper: No, the cushion is merely symbolic. I'm giving you my spot on the couch.
Sheldon Cooper: But you love that spot.
Howard Wolowitz: No. I love my mother. My feelings for my spot are much greater. It is the singular location in space around which revolves my entire universe. And now it's yours.

[last lines]
Howard Wolowitz: I gotta tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean: the temperature is good but there's no draft, I can see the television but I can still talk th...
Sheldon Cooper: I changed my mind; get out of my spot!
Penny: How long?
Leonard Hofstadter: Ninety-four seconds.

[there's a knock at the apartment door]
Leonard Hofstadter: Want to get that?
Sheldon Cooper: Not particularly.
Leonard Hofstadter: Could you get that?
Sheldon Cooper: I suppose I *could* if I were asked.
Leonard Hofstadter: Would you please get that!
Sheldon Cooper: Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?

Penny: I'm sorry, honey, I don't know milliliters.
Sheldon Cooper: Ah. Blame President James "Jimmy" Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.

Sheldon Cooper: Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. How do you cope?
Penny: I drink...


"The Big Bang Theory: The Loobenfeld Decay (#1.10)" (2008)
[first lines]
Leonard: No, see, the liquid metal terminators were created in the future by Skynet, and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson but that future no longer exists due to Dyson's death in Terminator 2.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay. Then riddle me this: assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite, hot, 17-year old killer robot?
Leonard: Skynet is kinky? I dunno.
Sheldon Cooper: Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.

[as Penny sings]
Leonard: What the hell is that?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know, but if cats could sing... they'd hate it too.

Sheldon Cooper: [Leonard lied to Penny] So, lack of a physiological reaction while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you worried about your safety?
Sheldon Cooper: No. I imagine if you were going to kill me, you'd have done it a long time ago.

Penny: Do you have any idea what time it is?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It's accurate to one-tenth of a second. But as I'm saying this, it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical.

Leonard: I already told her a lie. Why replace it with a different lie?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping, I was weaving an un-unravelable web.

Toby: How about this as my motivation? When I was fourteen years old, I was abused in the Philippines by a clubfooted Navy chaplain.
Sheldon Cooper: No. We're going with middle child and a genetic predisposition to inadequate serotonin production.
Toby: Well, how do I play genetic predisposition?
Sheldon Cooper: Subtextually, of course!

Sheldon Cooper: [discussing why Leonard lied to Penny to get out of hearing her sing] Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
Leonard: And, what would I have said afterwards?
Sheldon Cooper: I would suggest something to the effect of: "Singing is neither an appropriate vocation, nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan to look a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain!"

Sheldon Cooper: Remember how Leonard told you we couldn't come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?
Penny: I remember symposium.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, well, he lied.
Penny: Wait, what?
Sheldon Cooper: He lied, and I'm feeling very uncomfortable about it.
Penny: Well, imagine how I'm feeling.
Sheldon Cooper: Hungry? Tired? I'm sorry this really isn't my strong suit.

[last lines]
Toby: [on couch with Penny] This is amazing. Just sitting on a couch watching TV with a woman. Not being drunk or, or high, or, or wondering if you're a dude down there.
Penny: Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy. You're going to do OK.
Toby: One day at a time, Penny.
[puts his head on her shoulder]
Toby: One day at a time.
Leonard: [in kitchen, to Sheldon] How long is he going to stay here?
Sheldon Cooper: He's a homeless drug addict, Leonard; where is he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Toast Derivation (#4.17)" (2011)
[Sheldon is having a get-together with a new group of friends]
Leonard Hofstadter: You're having people over?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Must be killing you wondering who. Fine, I'll tell you. Stuart from the comic book store, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny's ex-boyfriend Zack, and TV's Levar Burton.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really? Levar Burton's coming over?
Sheldon Cooper: Possible. I tweeted him.

[Sheldon has come over to Raj's after his get-together didn't go the way he wanted it to]
Sheldon Cooper: [knocking on front door] All my friends?
[knocking]
Sheldon Cooper: All my friends?
[knocking]
Sheldon Cooper: All my friends?
Howard Wolowitz: I think it's like "Beetlejuice"; we said his name too many times.

[Priya has made some homemade chili, albeit with beans, which is counter to the Texan definition of chili - Sheldon is Texan - and the fact is fodder for know-it-all Sheldon]
Priya: Would you like some homemade chili?
Sheldon Cooper: Are there beans in it?
Priya: Yes?
Sheldon Cooper: Then it's not chili. Real chili has no beans in it, but you're from a foreign land, so your ignorance is forgiven.
Priya: [Sheldon tries some of Priya's chili]
Sheldon Cooper: Mmmm, this is good... whatever it is.

Sheldon Cooper: I just realized, we're about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner.
Leonard Hofstadter: So don't watch TV. Read a book.
Sheldon Cooper: And be a social pariah? You know that's not my style.

Raj Koothrappali: Hey, you're just in time. We made Tex-Mex.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sounds great.
Sheldon Cooper: Ooh, Indians making Tex-Mex. Might as well have had the Chinese pizza.

Priya: There's no assigned seats, Sheldon. Just sit anywhere, make yourself comfortable.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, what fun. We're like hippies at a love-in.
Leonard Hofstadter: Just sit here.
Sheldon Cooper: Right on, man, right on.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm the whimsical elf that everyone looks to for a good time.

Sheldon Cooper: Jacuzzi is a commercial brand, hot tub is the generic term, i.e., all Jacuzzis are hot tubs, but not all hot tubs are Jacuzzis.
Zack: Is that like all thumbs are fingers, but not all fingers are thumbs?
Sheldon Cooper: Surprisingly, yes.
Zack: Nice. Now, what exactly are toes?

Sheldon Cooper: Well, no, sir, and do you know why? In a word, tradition. Every Thursday night for the last eight years, you and I and our friends have gathered here in this very spot to break bread covered with cheese and sauce, discuss the issues of the day, and yes, share a laugh or two. But I guess our rich heritage means nothing to you.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Occupation Recalibration (#7.13)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: What if there is a big breakthrough in science today and I'm not here to see it?
Leonard Hofstadter: Do you really think there is going to be a breakthrough without you there to do it?
Sheldon Cooper: No. I was just tricking you.

Penny: Why can't Leonard understand it?
Sheldon Cooper: Because she is not like us, Penny. We're dreamers.
Penny: Yeah, I'm gonna have to start crakcing a window when I leave you in the car.

Leonard Hofstadter: How did she get you to do yoga?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, to be honest, I thought she said Yoda.

Leonard Hofstadter: I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I'm wrong, maybe we should talk about the kind of relationship we are in.
Penny: Yeah, well, maybe we do.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm willing if you guys are.
Leonard Hofstadter: Can we please have some privacy?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I'm as much a part of this relationship as you two. I think that it is high time that we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny?
Penny: Okay, wait. What are we doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: For some reason, we're planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever.

Penny: Look, I know you think I am being reckless, and you might be right, but I need to take this shot
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, no kidding. Despite what it says on her resume she is no longer 22.
Leonard Hofstadter: I swear, I am on your side.
Penny: You keep saying you're on my side, but you don't act like it.
Sheldon Cooper: He does that to me too. Why do we put up with this?
Leonard Hofstadter: Listen. I could never do what you are doing, okay? I would be terrified.
Penny: Well, it's scary for me too.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm fine with it.
Leonard Hofstadter: My point is, just because I couldn't do it doesn't mean you shouldn't. And I'm proud of you.
Penny: Okay. Thank you.

Sheldon Cooper: It'll be okay.
[Pats Leonard on the back]
Leonard Hofstadter: Did you just put a kick me sign on my back?
Sheldon Cooper: No.
[Rips paper off Leonard's back]

Sheldon Cooper: Did you get my lemonade?
Penny: Oh, sorry. I forgot.
Sheldon Cooper: A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress; to forget my order one last time.

Man V.O.: Close your eyes and imagine yourself in a peaceful place.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. I'm at the Hadron Supercollider.
Man V.O.: Now breathe in...
[Sheldon inhales]
Man V.O.: ... and out.
Sheldon Cooper: Wow. Didn't see that coming.
Man V.O.: Once again. In...
Sheldon Cooper: [Inhales] Let me guess.
Man V.O.: ...and out.
Sheldon Cooper: What was I going to do, two ins in a row?

Sheldon Cooper: They say some great yogis have such great control over their bodies that they can take in water up through their genitals.
Penny: I don't think we'll be getting to do that today.
Sheldon Cooper: Too bad. It sounds like a good way to drink a milkshake without getting brain freeze.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper Extraction (#7.11)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: I'm on my way out.
Leonard Hofstadter: Where?
Sheldon Cooper: Texas.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Right now? Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: Someone sick?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. My sister's uterus came down with a baby.
Penny: Oh, she's pregnant? That's great; you're going to be an uncle. Uncle Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper.
Amy Farrah Fowler: How come you never said she was pregnant?
Sheldon Cooper: I never told you about my brother's kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family's genitals?

Sheldon Cooper: The second I go out of town you throw a Christmas party without me?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, kinda.
Sheldon Cooper: That's so thoughtful. You guys are the best.

Sheldon Cooper: She chose to have a home birth because she wants to live in the stone age and a cave wasn't available.
Raj Koothrappali: You know, many people believe that home births are better because the mother is in a warm, comfortable environment where she can be nurtured by loved ones.
Sheldon Cooper: And turn the bedroom floor into an amniotic Slip n' Slide.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Now, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would have still live across from him.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.
Penny: We do?
Penny: [Sheldon is sorting laundry and Penny enters in Amy's fantasy] Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
Penny: [seductively] Doing laundry?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course I'm doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night and I'm in a laundry room, so... I believe your inference is justified.
Penny: Oh, my inference is justified. Sheldon, you are so funny, Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who's wearing them.
Penny: [Listening to the story] OK, that's enough.
Leonard Hofstadter: Disagree.
Raj Koothrappali: keep going.
Penny: [Standing in her bra] So. What do you think?
Sheldon Cooper: A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.
Penny: Please, Sheldon, I need you.
Sheldon Cooper: To... what?
Penny: To take me.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon. You and me, right here.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, for the thousandth time. I'm saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud.
Penny: I think I know how to change your mind.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Did you hold the baby?
Sheldon Cooper: I did.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And... how did it make you feel?
Sheldon Cooper: Looking into the blank, innocent eyes of a creature that couldn't begin to comprehend anything I was saying? Basically just another day at the office.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I missed you.
Sheldon Cooper: To quote Han Solo - I know.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Did you miss me?
Sheldon Cooper: I would have preferred to have you there with me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Awww.
Sheldon Cooper: Or instead of me.

Mary Cooper: Sheldon Lee Cooper. You get back in this room right now. And bring a mop.
Sheldon Cooper: Did you hear that? A mop. I have two PhD's yet somehow I'm the janitor of my sister's birth canal.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Can I give you a ride to the airport?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no, thank you; I don't want to be an inconvenience. Chop chop, Leonard; we leave in ten minutes.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Hi, Sheldon. Everything OK?
Sheldon Cooper: No, it's not. I've seen things. Lady things.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Listen to me. That is *not* the way they usually look.
Sheldon Cooper: It doesn't matter. It is no way to make new humans. People coming out of people. Some kind of dirty magic show.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Love Spell Potential (#6.23)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: [Knock... knock... knock] Amy?
[Knock... knock... knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy?
[Knock... knock... knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Amy?
Amy Farrah Fowler: What?
Sheldon Cooper: I've... never knocked on my own door before. That was a wild ride.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You don't have to come in here and cheer me up.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, w- Thank you. But you could tell everyone else that, because they sure think otherwise.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'll tell you what they think. They think our relationship is a joke.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I don't think our relationship is a joke. I think a horse goes into a bar. Bartender says, "Why the long face?" That's a joke. It's a good one, too, because a horse has a long face.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon. Are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh my. That's an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And now?
Sheldon Cooper: And now what?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Do you have any interest now?
Sheldon Cooper: I've not ruled it out.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Wow, talk dirty to me.
Sheldon Cooper: I know it doesn't seem like it to you, but from me what we have is extremely intimate.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I guess I know that. It's just a part of me wants more.
Sheldon Cooper: I guess I know that. It's just a part of me wants more.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Amy laughs slightly] Come on. Let's go back out there.
Sheldon Cooper: No, hold on. My elven magic user and your half-ork warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn't really be playing the game right if we didn't see that through.
Amy Farrah Fowler: O.K.
Sheldon Cooper: I believe that we just killed the dragon and while the others pillage the corpse I lead you to a secluded area where I attempt to remove your leather armor.
[Rolls dice]
Sheldon Cooper: It comes off.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh!
Sheldon Cooper: What do you do?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I... kiss you on the lips?
Sheldon Cooper: I kiss you back on the...
[Rolls dice]
Sheldon Cooper: ... lips as well. Your turn.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I remove your armor. What do you do?
Sheldon Cooper: I erotically caress your...
[Rolls dice]
Sheldon Cooper: ... nose.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Keep rolling!

[Leonard and Howard have invited Penny, Amy, and Bernadette to join them in "Dungeons & Dragons"]
Sheldon Cooper: I've just never played "Dungeons & Dragons" with girls before.
Penny: Oh, don't worry, sweetie, no-one has.

Amy Farrah Fowler, Bernadette Rostenkowski, Penny: [chanting in a cab] Vegas! Vegas! Vegas!
Sheldon Cooper, Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz, Raj Koothrappali: [chanting in Leonard & Sheldon's living room] The dungeon of Mabusdahega! The dungeon of Mabusdahega! The dungeon of Mabusdahega!

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon. Are we ever going to have an intimate relationship?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh my. That's an uncomfortable topic. Amy, before I met you I never had any interest in being intimate with anyone.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And now?
Sheldon Cooper: And now what?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Do you have any interest now?
Sheldon Cooper: I have not ruled it out.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Wow. Talk dirty to me.
Sheldon Cooper: I know it doesn't seem like it to you, but from me what we have is extremely intimate.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I guess I know that. It's just... a part of me wants more.
Sheldon Cooper: Y- More? Why, look at us. It's only been three years; here we are in bed together.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Come on. Let's go back out there.
Sheldon Cooper: Yu- w- no, hold on. My elven magic user and your half-orc warrior did have a love spell cast on them. We wouldn't really be playing the game right if we didn't see that through.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay.
Sheldon Cooper: I believe that, uh, we just killed the dragon... and while the others pillage the corpse, I lead you to a secluded area, where I attempt to remove your leather armor.
[rolls die]
Sheldon Cooper: It comes off.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh.
Sheldon Cooper: What do you do?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I... kiss you, on the lips?
Sheldon Cooper: I kiss you back on the...
[rolls die]
Sheldon Cooper: lips as well. Your turn.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I remove your armor. What do you do?
Sheldon Cooper: I erotically caress your...
[rolls die]
Sheldon Cooper: nose.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Keep rolling.

Howard Wolowitz: The girls are away, so the boys will play!
Raj Koothrappali: Anything could happen!
Leonard Hofstadter: It's gonna get crazy in here!
Sheldon Cooper: [Hoisting box over his head] Dungeons and Dragons!

Leonard Hofstadter: See? I told you Howard was as good a Dungeon Master as me.
Sheldon Cooper: As good? You just got pantsed in the schoolyard, four-eyes!

Penny: Who wants drinks?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, we don't drink alcohol during Dungeons and Dragons. It impairs our judgement.
Penny: This isn't alcohol, it's a magic potion that makes me like you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Double potion, please.

Penny: I get to roll next.
Sheldon Cooper: Usually the Dungeon Master gets to roll.
Penny: Yeah, well I should be in Vegas eating at the shrimp buffet, so give it.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Russian Rocket Reaction (#5.5)" (2011)
Sheldon: At this moment our relationship exists in two mutually contradictory states. Until you either do not go or go to Wil Wheaton's party you are simultaneously my friend and not my friend. I am characterizing this phenomenon as 'Schroedinger's friendship'.

Stuart: [negotiating with Leonard and Sheldon for a sword] 225. That's my final offer.
Sheldon Cooper: [to Leonard] Take it, take it, take it!
Leonard Hofstadter: 200.
Stuart: Man, you're killing me!
Sheldon Cooper: Killing you? I can't breathe!

Wil Wheaton: Hey, Sheldon. Nice sword.
Sheldon Cooper: It's from my sword collection. Do you have a sword collection?
Wil Wheaton: No.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not surprised.

Howard Wolowitz: [after everyone cheers for him and his team design going to space] It gets better! Someone has to go up with the telescope as a payload specialist, and guess who that someone is!
Sheldon Cooper: Mohammed Lee.
[everyone's looking confused]
Howard Wolowitz: Who's Mohammed Lee?
Sheldon Cooper: Mohammed is the most common first name in the world, and Lee the most common surname. As I didn't know the answer, I thought that gave me a mathematical edge.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't understand. What difference does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton's party?
Penny: Well. Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Mortal enemy?
Penny: Mhm.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I knew you were a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but you really have a mortal enemy?
Sheldon Cooper: In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?
Penny: Oh, say no, say no, say no.
Sheldon Cooper: You just got off the list, would you like back on it?

Sheldon Cooper: Oh, damn! The floppy failed. Well, whoever was in charge of quality control of the Verbatim corporation in 1989, congratulations - you just made the list.

Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, Sheldon, we're going to Wil's. This is your last chance!
Sheldon Cooper: No, Leonard, this is your last chance. One day a historian is going to come to you and say: Is it true that you were friends with Dr. Sheldon Cooper? And you're going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation as you mumble: I was... but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from "Stand By Me" that no one remembers.

Sheldon Cooper: If we were starting a sword collection, I would start with Excalibur. You could rule England with it.
Leonard Hofstadter: It would be a plastic replica of a movie prop.
Sheldon Cooper: You could rule a replica of England with it.

Wil Wheaton: This is for you.
Sheldon Cooper: An original mint in package Wesley Crusher action figure.
Wil Wheaton: I remembered your story about how you went to a convention when you were a kid to get one signed and I didn't show up. Look at what I wrote.
Sheldon Cooper: [reads] "To Sheldon. Sorry this took so long. Your friend, Wil Wheaton."
Wil Wheaton: It's my last one and I want you to have it.
Sheldon Cooper: [holds up action figure] Look, everyone! Wil Wheaton is my friend!
[He gives Wil a hug; Brent Spiner enters and grabs the figure]
Brent Spiner: Oh, wow. I haven't seen one of these in years.
[Rips open the box]
Brent Spiner: Remember how we used to make these things look like they were masturbating?
Sheldon Cooper: Brent Spiner, what have you done? That was an original mint in package Wesley Crusher action figure signed by my close personal friend Wil Wheaton!
Brent Spiner: I'm sorry, slim. I have some Mr. Data dolls in the truck of my car. Do you want me to sign one for you?
Sheldon Cooper: You already signed something Brent Spiner... your name on my list. From this moment on, you are my mortal enemy!
Wil Wheaton: Don't worry, it doesn't take up a whole lot of your time.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Hamburger Postulate (#1.5)" (2007)
Sheldon Cooper: [furious that Leslie wrote on his board] I don't come in to your house and touch your board!
Leslie Winkle: There are no incorrect equations on my board.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that is so... so...
Leslie Winkle: I'm sorry, I gotta run. If you come up with an adjective, text me.
Sheldon Cooper: [after Leslie leaves and a brief pause] Inconsiderate. THAT is the adjective! Inconsiderate.

[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, what did she mean by that? Or was that just a generic platitude or was that a subtle bid for attention?
Sheldon Cooper: You know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single-decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double-decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you even listening to me?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course I'm listening. "Blah blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah blah."
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay then. You know, you can grow the ingredients for soup.

Sheldon Cooper: Do you realize I may have to share a Nobel Prize with your booty call?

Penny: So, how's everything?
Sheldon Cooper: Terrific. You'll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.
Penny: Really? Oh, yay!
Sheldon Cooper: Who do I speak to about permanently reserving this table?
Penny: Um, I don't know. A psychiatrist?

Sheldon: [learning Leonard has a girl over] This is very awkward.
Penny: Oh, come on. You know, Leonard's had girls over before, right?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. But there's usually planning, courtship, advance notice. You know, last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse.
Penny: Wait, wait. You had to leave the state because your roommate was having sex?
Sheldon: I didn't *have* to, the dates just happened to coincide.

Penny: Hey, Sheldon. What's going on?
Sheldon: I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Semiotics, the study of signs and symbols. It's a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I know you think you're explaining yourself, but you're really not.

Sheldon Cooper: I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can't make the assumption that I'll like the hamburgers here.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry. Give him a hamburger.
Penny: Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger?
Sheldon Cooper: Can't we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy.
Penny: The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, in a world that already includes a Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?
Penny: Because you are not at Big Boy!
Sheldon Cooper: Fine, I'll have the Barbecue Burger.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Alright. I'm moving my infantry division, augmented by a battalion of orcs from Lord of the Rings. We fight the Tennessee Volunteers, and the North once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.
Howard Wolowitz: Not so fast. Remember the South still has two infantry divisions, plus Superman and Godzilla.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, no no. Orcs are magic; Superman is vulnerable to magic. Not to mention, you already lost Godzilla to the Illinois Cavalry and Hulk.
Raj Koothrappali: Why don't you just have Robert E. Lee charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh?
Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order?
Howard Wolowitz: Hang on, honey. Shiva and Ganesh? The Hindu gods against the entire Union army?
Leonard Hofstadter: And orcs!
Penny: I'll be back.
Raj Koothrappali: Excuse me, Ganesh is the remover of obstacles and Shiva's the destroyer. When the smoke clears Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps.
Penny: Alright, my boss says you have to either order or leave and never come back.

Penny: So, you know who's in there?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, there's Leonard...
[picks up guitar case]
Sheldon Cooper: and he's either with Leslie Winkle or a 1930s ganster


"The Big Bang Theory: The Cushion Saturation (#2.16)" (2009)
Sheldon Cooper: [Holding the latest issue of The Flash] Hello, Fastest Man Alive. Wanna see me read your entire comic book?
[Flips quickly through comic]
Sheldon Cooper: Wanna see it again?

[before the paintball match]
Sheldon Cooper: There's just one thing before we start.
Leonard Hofstadter: What is it, Sheldon?
[Sheldon shoots Penny with his paintball gun]
Penny: What the hell?
Sheldon Cooper: That was for my cushion!
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, Penny was our only hope!
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, Leonard, but revenge is a dish best served cold.
Penny: Screw that!
[Penny shoots Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: She can't shoot me, she's dead!
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Penny] He's right, you can't.
[shoots Sheldon himself]
Sheldon Cooper: Well, if we're going to descend into anarchy...
[shoots Leonard]

Leslie Winkle: Howard, I got the approval for the rapid prototyper you wanted.
Howard Wolowitz: That's great, Leslie, thanks.
Leslie Winkle: You scratch my back, I scratch your back. Meow!
Rajesh Koothrappali: What was all that about?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, uh, no big deal, they gave Leslie control over some unrestricted grant money.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, okay, but what's with the "back scratching" and the "meow."
Sheldon Cooper: I believe the "back scratching" metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to second party in compensation for a similar action.
Leonard Hofstadter: [sarcastically] Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: The "meow." That sounded to me like an African civet cat.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you done?
Sheldon Cooper: No. Despite what the name suggests, the civet cat, is not a true cat.
[pause]
Sheldon Cooper: Now I'm done.
Rajesh Koothrappali: You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking, Howard wasn't making a back scratching metaphor. I'm thinking there was some actual scratching involved.
Leonard Hofstadter: What about it, Howard?
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I didn't want to say anything, cause I know you and Leslie have a little... history.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't care about that.
Howard Wolowitz: Great, 'cause I've been dying to say something.
Leonard Hofstadter: You and Leslie?
Howard Wolowitz: In the paintball shed! Twice!
Sheldon Cooper: Is that why you didn't cover our escape, and let us get cut down like animals?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh yeah, sorry about that.
Sheldon Cooper: My good man, dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy is a court martial offense.
Howard Wolowitz: Court martial, schmort martial. Leslie Winkle is the fifth girl I've ever had sex with!
[pause]
Howard Wolowitz: I mean for free.

Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Penny.
Penny: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: You're in my spot.
Penny: Are you planning on sitting here?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I'm going to the comic book store.
Penny: Then, what difference does it make?
Sheldon Cooper: What difference does it make?
Leonard Hofstadter: Here we go.
Sheldon Cooper: That is my spot, in an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be 0-0-0-0.
Penny: [blank stare] What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't sit in his spot.
Penny: Fine.
[changes spots]
Penny: Happy?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not unhappy.
[Sheldon exits]
Penny: Boy, I love him, but he is one serious wackadoodle.

Leonard Hofstadter: Why don't you just eat in your desk chair?
Sheldon Cooper: Why don't I just eat in my desk chair?
Penny: Here we go.
Sheldon Cooper: That is my desk chair. That is where I work. I don't eat in my desk chair and I don't work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot.
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Penny] Wackadoodle.
Howard Wolowitz: You know, there's kind of an obvious solution here.
[to Raj]
Howard Wolowitz: Get up.
[places Raj's cushion in Sheldon's spot]
Howard Wolowitz: There, problem solved.
[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard Wolowitz: Nobody cares where you're gonna sit, you're not crazy.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated and we transplanted a dog's head in it's place, would that be problem solved?
Leonard Hofstadter: If it were your head, it would be.

Penny: There, nice and comfy, cozy. 0-0-0.
Sheldon Cooper: There's one more 0. You forgot the time perimeter.
Penny: Sit on the damn couch.
[sniffs the couch, slowly sits, for barely an instant]
Sheldon Cooper: Nope.
Penny: What do you mean "nope"? What's wrong with it?
Leonard Hofstadter: Nothing! It's what's wrong with him!
Penny: It's exactly the same...
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, Penny, I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news.
Sheldon Cooper: More?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you on Monday nights?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, from Szechwan Palace.
Leonard Hofstadter: Szechwan Palace closed two years ago.
Sheldon Cooper: What? Where did my cashew chicken come from?
Leonard Hofstadter: Golden Dragon.
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon drops into the spot] No. No, this isn't right. No, our food always comes in Szechwan Palace containers.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, well before they went out of business, I bought 4000 containers. I keep them in the trunk of my car.
Sheldon Cooper: But - oh this changes everything.
Leonard Hofstadter: I thought that might take his mind off the cushion.
Sheldon Cooper: What's real? What isn't? How can I know?
Penny: You did make that up right?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I wish I had.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, buddy?
Sheldon Cooper: I still don't like this cushion.

Leonard Hofstadter: [trying to tell Sheldon that Penny accidentally made a mess of his cushion] You know what the best thing about friends is?
Sheldon Cooper: They don't talk incessantly for no particular reason?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, friends forgive the little things.
Penny: You know, I'm gonna go home and wash my hair, so...
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't you dare, missy!

Sheldon: Hello, Penny.
Penny: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You're in my spot.
Penny: Are you planning on sitting here?
Sheldon: No, I'm going to the comic book store.
Penny: Then what difference does it make?
Sheldon: What difference does it make?
Leonard Hofstadter: Here we go.
Sheldon: That is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system that spot at the moment I first sat on it would be 0-0-0-0.
Penny: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't sit in his spot.

Sheldon: You're in my spot.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Hofstadter Insufficiency (#7.1)" (2013)
Penny: Tell me something about you I don't know.
Sheldon Cooper: I own nine pairs of pants.
Penny: Okay, that-that's a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal.
Sheldon Cooper: I see.
Penny: Mm.
Sheldon Cooper: I own nine pairs of underpants.

Sheldon Cooper: Here's something else you don't know about me. You just hurt my feelings.
Penny: What'd I do?
Sheldon Cooper: I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me. And you treated it as if it were nothing.
Penny: I-I didn't think it was a big deal.
Sheldon Cooper: It is to me. That's the point.
Penny: Sheldon, you are right. I'm really sorry. I should've known better.
Sheldon Cooper: Your apology is accepted.
Penny: Thank you. How about a hug?
[holds out her arms]
Sheldon Cooper: [holds out his hand] How about a hearty handshake?
Penny: Come on.
[pulls him into a hug. Sheldon pats her back awkwardly]
Sheldon Cooper: Now I know how you felt, getting mauled by that sex-crazed gorilla.

Sheldon Cooper: Welcome to the exciting world of 3-D chess.
Penny: Why don't you admit you only want to play this game because you always play with Leonard and you miss him?
Sheldon Cooper: You over estimate his significance in my life.
Penny: MMMM.
Sheldon Cooper: Do I miss how makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup. No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don't think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code?
[Knocks his answer in Morse Code]
Penny: OK, I get it. I get it. You're an emotionless robot.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I try.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: [on phone on deck of ship in storm] Sheldon! It's not a great time. What do you want?
Sheldon Cooper: Hello to you too. I'm sorry, but this is important.
Leonard Hofstadter: What is it?
Sheldon Cooper: Back to the Future 2 was in the Back to the Future 3 case, and Back to the Future 3 was, get this, in the Back to the Future 2 case.
Leonard Hofstadter: So?
Sheldon Cooper: So... Did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, I've got to go inside. It's getting rough out here.
Sheldon Cooper: You're dodging the question. I knew it was you. What was that?
Leonard Hofstadter: What was what?
Sheldon Cooper: This isn't a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, I'm hanging up now. You know there is no such thing as a kraaaa...

Penny: What's the matter?
Sheldon Cooper: Um... Well, I was worried that you might be missing Leonard. And that might be causing you to have bad dreams. Like the kind you'd get if you watched 'Clash of the Titans' right before you went to bed.

Penny: I can't believe it. All this time I've been doing nothing but sit around and miss that guy. And you know what the worst part is?
Sheldon Cooper: That you're having to process your emotional pain without vodka?
Penny: No!
[pause]
Penny: Yeah.

Penny: Here's something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A. I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. After I did it I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out.
Sheldon Cooper: Ah, I've seen that! Yeah. 'Serial Apeist'.
[Penny gasps in horror]
Sheldon Cooper: Howard found it on line the day we met you.
Penny: Ohh!
Sheldon Cooper: It was literally the moment you walked out the door.

Penny: His is ridiculous, why am I upset just because he's off having a good time?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, perhaps you're obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman.
[Penny stares at him angrily]
Sheldon Cooper: Is that it? Did I get it right?

Penny: No. Come on, let's talk about our lives. Tell me something about you I don't know.
Sheldon Cooper: I own nine pairs of pants.
Penny: Okay, that, that's a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal.
Sheldon Cooper: I see. I own nine pairs of underpants.
Penny: How about I go first?
Sheldon Cooper: But I don't want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I'd say it's a thousand.
Penny: Okay, look, here's something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. Ugh! After I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out.
Sheldon Cooper: I've seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon Cooper: And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you're going for. Okay, here's one I thought I'd take to the grave.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon Cooper: Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I'm okay with it, but I'm really not.
Penny: That's your big revelation?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Displacement (#7.7)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: Look at him. Just standing in line like he wasn't moderately famous thirty years ago. Let's go say hello.
Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe we shouldn't bother him.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not going to bother him. I'm going to talk to him.
Leonard Hofstadter: He thinks there's a difference.

Sheldon Cooper: Never meet your heroes, they always say. Never peek behind the curtain of fame, or you'll see them for what they really are: degenerate carnie folk.
Amy Farrah Fowler: He's a retired science kids show host.
Sheldon Cooper: That's even worse! Using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him. Pervert.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Have you ever thought about why Arthur didn't want you to read his paper?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes I have. My only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe he found you a bit much.
Sheldon Cooper: That's kind of a stretch. But when it comes to social skills, I've mastered the big three. There's the coy smile. There's the friendly chuckle. Ha-ha-ha-haaaa. There's the vocalization of sympathy. Ahhh. Well, that one's tricky. I'm still working on it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: rom what I saw the other day I can understand why he and... some people might find you...
Sheldon Cooper: What?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It doesn't matter
Sheldon Cooper: No. Go ahead. Say it. I know what it is. I've heard it my whole life. The word's annoying. Go ahead. Say it. Say it. Say, "I'm annoying."
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, it won't hurt my feelings. Go ahead, Amy. Say, "I'm annoying." "I'm annoying." "I'm annoying." "I'm annoying." Now where are you going? You know you want to say it. Say it. Say, "I'm annoying." Go ahead. Say it. Say it. Say it, Amy. Say it.
[Amy leaves the apartment slamming the door]
Sheldon Cooper: Well, she can't stand it when I'm right.

Sheldon Cooper: Because it's just so happens I'm also spending the day with a beloved children television science personality. Isn't that right new friend and colleague, Bill Nye, the Science Guy? Sorry I replaced you with a newer model.
Bill Nye: Wow, Arthur Jeffries. It's an honor to meet you. My show never would have happened without yours.
Arthur Jeffries: That's what I told my lawyers.

[first lines]
[Sheldon is skipping through the store]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Never seen him this happy before.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's because you've never seen him on restock the medicine-cabinet day.
Sheldon Cooper: Look! a new topical antihistamine with lidocaine. Wow! I can't wait 'til I get a rash.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ohhhh, Gas-Ex has a new ultra-strength. Guess they really do read their mail.
Sheldon Cooper: Hey. Isn't that Professor Proton?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: Look at him! he's standing in line, like he wasn't moderately famous thirty years ago. Let's go say hello!
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, maybe we, we shouldn't bother him.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not going to bother him; I'm going to talk to him.
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Amy] He thinks there's a difference.

Sheldon Cooper: If you're hoping to get in touch with Bill Nye, I can't help you. I've been informed that he's now Bill Nye, the Restraining Order Guy.

Bill Nye: I thought I was talking to a class.
Sheldon Cooper: No, what I said was you were teaching someone a lesson.

Arthur Jeffries: Sheldon, what are you doing here?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, Arthur. Did I wake you?
Arthur Jeffries: It's seven thirty, so yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: I would've gotten here sooner, but for some reason your house isn't on this map of the Hollywood stars.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Closet Reconfiguration (#6.19)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: What are you guys doing here?
Leonard Hofstadter: When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad's letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh yeah, what's that?
Sheldon Cooper: It's simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.
Penny: We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.
Sheldon Cooper: Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don't tell you which one it is, you will be forever in a state of epistemic ambivalence.
Penny: Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not even do it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sit down, honey.
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, you're up.
Raj Koothrappali: It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, The one where the frog had his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it's a fly. Silly frog. So funny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-eyed Willy.
Howard Wolowitz: That's fine. That's the plot for The Goonies.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Told you.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sheldon, I know tonight's the night you eat Thai food so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients, made it from scratch.
Sheldon Cooper: Ohh, you shouldn't have.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, it's my pleasure.
Sheldon Cooper: No, you really shouldn't have.
[holds up bag of takeout food]
Sheldon Cooper: I brought my own.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You stopped and got him takeout?
Leonard Hofstadter: I had no choice. He kept kicking the back of my seat.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sheldon, I've been cooking all day.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, now don't you feel silly.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [to Howard] Show him the closet!

Leonard Hofstadter: Amy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You didn't know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.
Howard Wolowitz: Really?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that's complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny.
Penny: It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.
Sheldon Cooper: I would like to change mine. The pirate's name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it's completely different from Goonies.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No it's not.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't.
Leonard Hofstadter: OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.
Howard Wolowitz: Hm.
Leonard Hofstadter: Bernadette.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift.
[Howard gets up and walks away]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You okay?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. I'm terrific.
Sheldon Cooper: So? Which one do you think it is, matey?
Howard Wolowitz: Actually I don't want to know. I want all of them to be true.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, one of them is.
Howard Wolowitz: That is pretty cool. Thank you, guys.

Sheldon Cooper: Surprisingly, uh, the letter from your father wasn't the most interesting thing I read in the closet. Bernadette's diary has some saucy passages.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sheldon, don't you dare!
Sheldon Cooper: Well, yuh-yuh, there's nothing to worry about; your secret's safe with me.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's more like it.
Sheldon Cooper: [to Howard] Although copyright law would allow me to quote snippets in the context of a review.

Sheldon Cooper: Howard, do you want your clothes arranged seasonally, or by color?
Howard Wolowitz: Color is fine.
Sheldon Cooper: That's all wrong. I'm doing it seasonally.

Sheldon Cooper: [Cleaning the lint trap on the laundry room drier] Yech! It's like cleaning the building's belly button.

Amy Farrah Fowler: We need something from you.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, dear. Momma told me this could happen to a young man in the big city.
Penny: We need some information from you.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I've got that in spades. Ravage me away.

Raj Koothrappali: Nice to see everyone dressed up.
Penny: Well, this party is delightful.
Raj Koothrappali: As is the company.
Sheldon Cooper: This shirt is itchy and I wish I was dead.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Staircase Implementation (#3.22)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Ubuntu, you are my favorite Linux-based operating system!

Sheldon: That's not an apology; that's simply an acknowledgement that I was right!
Leonard: Okay, I'm sorry.
Sheldon: There you go.

Sheldon Cooper: Yes?
Leonard: I'm Leonard Hofstadter. I called you about the apartment and you said to come by...
Sheldon Cooper: I know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5, 1992. What is the sixth noble gas?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon Cooper: You said you were a scientist. What is the sixth noble gas?
Leonard: Radon?
Sheldon Cooper: Are you asking me or telling me?
Leonard: Telling you?
[Sheldon glares at him]
Leonard: Telling you.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. Next question. Kirk or Picard?
Leonard: That's tricky... Original Series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.
Sheldon Cooper: Correct. You have passed the first barrier to roommatehood. You may enter.

Sheldon Cooper: If either of us invent time travel, we agree that our first stop will be this meeting five seconds from now.
[Looks around]
Sheldon Cooper: Well, that was disappointing.

Sheldon Cooper: We agree to reserve Friday nights to watch Joss Whedon's brilliant new show Firefly.
Leonard: Does that really need to be in the agreement?
Sheldon Cooper: We might as well settle it now. It's going to be on for years.

Sheldon Cooper: What are you sitting on?
Howard Wolowitz: I can't speak for these guys, but I'm sitting on my tushie. It's a joke.
Raj Koothrappali: Not a good idea.
Sheldon Cooper: Tushie is buttocks, right?
Howard Wolowitz: Right.
Raj Koothrappali: Hilarious!

Leonard: According to the roommate agreement, I'm entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas.
Sheldon Cooper: But you didn't notify me by e-mail first, so it's still a breach.
Leonard: I did notify you.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, you did, did you?
[Checks his Palm Pilot]
Sheldon Cooper: Drat! Hoisted by my own spam filter.
Leonard: What am I doing in your spam folder?
Sheldon Cooper: I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano entitled "This is funny."

Sheldon: In a post-apocalyptic world, which task would you assign the highest priority? Locating a sustainable food source, reestablishing a functioning government, procreating, or preserving the knowledge of mankind?
Leonard: Uh, I'm gonna go with... preserving the knowledge.
Sheldon: That's correct. FYI, I would have accepted any answer other than procreating.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Hot Troll Deviation (#4.4)" (2010)
Raj Koothrappali: You're so arrogant! If you were a superhero, your name would be Captain Arrogant. And you know what your superpower would be? Arrogance!
Sheldon Cooper: You're wrong again. If my superpower were arrogance, my name would be Dr. Arroganto.

Raj Koothrappali: You said I could get a desk.
Sheldon Cooper: This isn't a desk! This is a... Brobdingnagian monstrosity!
Raj Koothrappali: Is that the American idiom for "giant big-ass desk"?
Sheldon Cooper: It's actually British.

Raj Koothrappali: Why can't I buy my own desk?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, why can't he buy his own desk?
Sheldon Cooper: Because...
[long pause]
Raj Koothrappali: Because?
Sheldon Cooper: Because it's my office.

Leonard Hofstadter: So Howard and Bernadette agreed to discuss it over coffee.
Sheldon Cooper: Quick question.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Why are you telling me all this?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know. I guess your movements are so life-like I sometimes forget you're not a real boy.

Sheldon Cooper: I see what's going on. This is the opening salvo in what will be an escalating series of juvenile tit-for-tat exchanges. Well titted.
Raj Koothrappali: Thank you
Sheldon Cooper: Stand by for my upcoming tat!

Howard Wolowitz: How am I gonna play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant?
[Bernadette turns around. Howard dives under the table]
Bernadette: [as she walks by the table] Hi guys.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
[peers under the table]
Sheldon Cooper: I see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened.
Raj Koothrappali: It's one of his best moves.

Sheldon Cooper: [referring to an over sized desk] Why do you even want this here? Its size is completely disproportionate to its purpose!
Raj Koothrappali: Seeing as its purpose was to piss you off, I'd say it's spot on!

Leonard Hofstadter: [Walking by Sheldon's office door] My God, what is that smell?
[Knocks on the door-Sheldon emerges wearing a gasmask]
Sheldon Cooper: Yes?
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you doing in there?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm making hydrogen sulfide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control.
Raj Koothrappali: [Raj emerges from the office] That's not gonna work, dude, I grew up in India: an entire sub-continent where cows walk in the street and nobody has ever had a solid bowel movement.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, we'll just see how long you can hold out.
Raj Koothrappali: Well, we'll just see how you noxious gas fares against my cinnamon-apple scented aromatherapy candles.
[Retreats into the office. Sheldon turns to Leonard and shakes his head]
Leonard Hofstadter: Didn't you saw you're making hydrogen sulfide gas?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: Isn't that flammable?
Sheldon Cooper: Highly.
[Leonard looks at him with raised eyebrows]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, dear.
Raj Koothrappali: [There is a flash and a bang from inside the office. Leonard and Sheldon step back quickly. Raj emerges blackened and dishevelled with a parakeet in a cage] This is not over.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Good Guy Fluctuation (#5.7)" (2011)
[last line of the episode, after Sheldon scares Leonard, who just found out that Priya cheated on him]
Sheldon Cooper: Bazinga, punk! Now we're even!

Sheldon Cooper: [reading red paint on the wall] "See you in hell Sheldon..." The most frightful thing about that is the missing comma!

[Sheldon is working on an electric device he plans to trick Howard with]
Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Howard. I've realized that you scaring me was all in just. Now, allow me to say... "Good job."
[he shakes hands with himself. He thereby touches the electric device and gets an electric shock, falling down towards the floor]

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [off screen] Who is it?
Sheldon Cooper: It's me, Sheldon, Mrs. Wolowitz!
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that's not my mom, that's Bernadette.
Sheldon Cooper: Really? That's unsettling.

Sheldon Cooper: You're a better man than I, Howard Wolowitz. You put 'er there, you son of a gun!
[holds out his hand]
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, whatever.
[they shake hands, Howard gets the electric shock, and faints]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh my God, Howard! What did you do?
Sheldon Cooper: [panics] It was a harmless Halloween prank... Look...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard has a heart condition! You know that!
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I thought he made that up! Isn't hypochondria common idiosyncrasy of Jewish people?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: This is adrenaline... we're gonna have to inject it into his heart.
Sheldon Cooper: We are?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You are! I'm not strong enough to get it through his chest plate, and we've only got one shot!
[gives the needle to Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh no! I can't!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hurry! We're running out of time!
Sheldon Cooper: Okay...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Just do it!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh God! One... two... three...
[sticks a "needle" in Howard's chest]
Howard Wolowitz: [opens his eyes undramatically, revealing that he was just acting] Trick or treat, bubbeleh.
Sheldon Cooper: [while Howard and Bernadette laughs] What? No! You mean all this was just a ruse? Oh, how could I be so STU-U-U-U...
[touches his head with the electronic device and falls down again]

Howard Wolowitz: Come on. Admit it, we got you, Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper: Please! Fright depends on an element of surprise. The simple fact is, because I am much smarter than you and able to anticipate your actions...
[Leonard comes up behind him in a mask]
Sheldon Cooper: ...it is highly unlikely that you two rubes could ever surprise me.
Raj Koothrappali: He's probably right.
Howard Wolowitz: We can't beat him. He's just too smart.
Sheldon Cooper: [satisfied] Gentlemen.
[turns around, sees Leonard in his mask, screams and faints down on the floor]

Sheldon Cooper: Some ghostly moans, rattling of chains and a witch's cackle, the trifecta of haunted house cliches. Instead of "eek", I say "yawn".

Sheldon Cooper: You guys forget, I'm from Texas, where we know how to settle a score. Don't ask me, ask Mexico.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Turbulence (#7.17)" (2014)
Raj Koothrappali: Can we please talk about something other than my depressing love life.
Sheldon Cooper: How about Penny's depressing acting career?
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey. I mean, it's been a little tough, but Penny's following her dreams and in my book that's not depressing.
Penny: Thank you.

Sheldon Cooper: Ten years ago upon first seeing me your husband claim that I looked like C3PO and Pee Wee Herman. And he called me C-3-PeeWee Herman.

Penny: [Car making noises] Uh, that doesn't sound good.
Sheldon Cooper: Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, we're ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny your check engine light is on.
Penny: Yes, I know it's on Sheldon. Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't afford this right now.
Sheldon Cooper: [car stops] Maybe it's just something minor. Oh good news. The light just went out.

Leonard Hofstadter: Are we playing individuals or teams?
Raj Koothrappali: Teams are fun.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, in that case I'd like to be partnered with my good friend Howard.
Raj Koothrappali: But I'm always on Howard's team! We're best friends. The kind that finish each other's...
Howard Wolowitz: We don't really do that.
Raj Koothrappali: [Interrupting] ... do that! See?

Sheldon Cooper: Howard
[Tap... tap... tap]
Sheldon Cooper: , Howard
[Tap... tap... tap]
Sheldon Cooper: , Howard
[Tap... tap... tap]
Sheldon Cooper: .
Sheldon Cooper: What now?
Leonard Hofstadter: I have to go to the bathroom.
Leonard Hofstadter: You just went to the bathroom.
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't use it because it didn't seem safe. Despite all me emails the toilet didn't have a seat belt.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, it still doesn't.
Leonard Hofstadter: I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.

Howard Wolowitz: Back in the car. I'm an astronaut and you know it. You just don't like admitting it because you're jealous.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, truth be told, as a child I did dream of going into space. Those astronauts were my heroes, and when you got to go it was hard for me.
Howard Wolowitz: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: Because it made me realize they'll just send anyone up there.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry for every mean thing I ever said or did to you.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm sorry too. It's all my fault.
Sheldon Cooper: If you weren't my friend there'd be a hole in my life.
Howard Wolowitz: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: Kind of like when Firefly was cancelled. But not as big.

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, could you wrap it up? We're waiting for you.
Penny: I'm sorry, is the fact that my life's falling apart interrupting your board game?
Sheldon Cooper: It is.
[to Howard]
Sheldon Cooper: See, I told you she would understand.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Griffin Equivalency (#2.4)" (2008)
Gablehauser: [all in Raj's office when Dr. Gablehauser walks in] Hello, boys.
Raj Koothrappali: Dr. Gablehauser
Gablehauser: Dr. Koothrappali
Leonard Hofstadter: Dr. Gablehauser
Gablehauser: Dr. Hofstadter
Sheldon Cooper: Dr. Gablehauser
Gablehauser: Dr. Cooper
Howard Wolowitz: Dr. Gablehauser
Gablehauser: Mr. Wolowitz

Leonard Hofstadter: Are you proud of yourself?
Sheldon Cooper: In general, yes.

Sheldon Cooper: Baby wipe?
Penny: Why do you have those?
Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz: No, no! Don't! Don't!
Sheldon Cooper: I'll tell you why. I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms, with hot air blowers.
Penny: Oh I thought the blowers were more sanitary.
Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz: Why? Please, don't!
Sheldon Cooper: Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly, it'd be more hygienic if they just had a plague-infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.

Leonard Hofstadter: That may well be, but it wouldn't kill us to meet some new people.
Sheldon Cooper: For the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, or the carriers of unusual pathogens... And I'm not insane, my mother had me tested.

Sheldon Cooper: Look, I found my missing neutrino.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, good. Now we can take his picture off the milk carton.

[Raj was named one of People magazine's "30 Under 30 to Watch"]
Leonard Hofstadter: We're going to go apologize to Raj and invite him out to dinner.
Sheldon Cooper: Apologize? For what?
Leonard Hofstadter: He came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren't very supportive.
Sheldon Cooper: I sense you're trying to tell me something.
Howard Wolowitz: You were a colossal asshat.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh! No! I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really. Do tell.
Sheldon Cooper: How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a "World's Greatest Dad" coffee mug; and, frankly, the man coasted until the day he died.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, let's try it this way: what if this People magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve?
Sheldon Cooper: I had not considered that. I often forget other people have limitations. It's so sad.
Howard Wolowitz: He can feel sadness?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not really; it's what you and I would call condescension.

[Raj is acting arrogant as a result of being named one of People magazine's "30 Under 30 to Watch"]
Sheldon Cooper: There's a tribe in Papua New Guinea where, when a hunter flaunts his success to the rest of the village, they kill him and drive away evil spirits with a drum made of his skin. Superstitious nonsense, of course - but one can see their point.

Leonard Hofstadter: If we do get a new friend he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.
Howard Wolowitz: And he should have a lot of money and live in a cool place down by the beach where we could throw parties.
Sheldon Cooper: He should share our love of technology.
Howard Wolowitz: And he should know a lot of women.
Leonard Hofstadter: Let's see: money, women, technology. Okay, we're agreed. Our new friend is going to be... Iron Man.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Status Quo Combustion (#7.24)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: You can move across the hall.
Sheldon Cooper: Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana?

Sheldon Cooper: So, who's watching her now?
Howard Wolowitz: A bowlful of M&M's with a few Ambien tossed in.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, buddy.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
Leonard Hofstadter: You okay?
Sheldon Cooper: I just got called into President Siebert's office. The university won't let me switch my field of study to inflation cosmology. Thy are forcing me to continue with string theory.
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: He said it's why they hired me, it's what my grant was designated for and that everybody has to do thing they don't want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do even though he didn't want to do which was look at my stupid face.
Leonard Hofstadter: That was a rude thing to say... out loud.

Leonard Hofstadter: So listen. There was something I hoped to float past you. Now that Penny and I are engaged I thought we might want to talk about our living arrangements.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course. She has spent many nights here and you're worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not.
Sheldon Cooper: Good. Because not only has that ship sailed, but if it hit an iceberg countless men would perish.
Leonard Hofstadter: Actually this is about where she and I are going to live.
Sheldon Cooper: What do you mean?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, well. We might want to live together.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh yeah, well. I have already given this some thought and I'm willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now; obviously not when she is made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining.
Leonard Hofstadter: hat's very sweet. But we were thinking more of us maybe living together... with not you.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't understand. How can we all live together if I'm not there?
Leonard Hofstadter: Look I know this is... this is a change, and that sounds scary, but...
Sheldon Cooper: Where are you going to go?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I don't know. We're just starting to think about this. Maybe I'll move in with Penny or maybe she and I'll take this place and you can move across the hall.
Sheldon Cooper: Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I did not.
Sheldon Cooper: Did you get hit on the head with a coconut?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Then I'm all out of guesses. What? Move across the hall. Why would even suggest such a thing?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because I love Penny and want to give her the life she deserves.
Sheldon Cooper: I see. You're putting your future bride's happiness above mine.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: Wow.

Amy Farrah Fowler: This might work out for the best. I mean, you're always complaining what a terrible roommate he is. Like how he turns up the thermostat when you're not there.
Sheldon Cooper: Ugh. It's like walking into the Amazon. And no the good Amazon with one-day shipping. The awful one with bird and snakes.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You hate the sound of all those keys on this key chain.
Sheldon Cooper: Four keys! I mean, what does he think he is, a warden?
Amy Farrah Fowler: See, maybe you'll love living alone.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know. Perhaps.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And if it turns out you don't... you and I could live together.
Sheldon Cooper: You and... Oh sure. You would love that. And while we're at it why don't we get engaged, too. Why don't get a little house and start a family? Enjoy our sunset years together. Do you hear yourself woman?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, it was just a thought.
Sheldon Cooper: No, here's a thought. You're not moving in, Leonard's not moving out. Everything stays exactly the way it is.

Stuart Bloom: I don't mean to be rude, Sheldon, but my life's kind of falling apart right now.
Sheldon Cooper: Your life? The university is making me do string theory. And my girlfriend loves me so much she wants to live with me. And now, the place I need to go when I'm sad smells funny.

Penny: We were worried about you.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't be melodramatic. I'm just getting on a train and leaving forever.
Leonard Hofstadter: Seriously? You don't even have change of clothes or a toothbrush.
Sheldon Cooper: My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It's called living off the land.

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I am overwhelmed. Everything is changing and it's simply too much. I need to get away and think.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, come on. You know you're over reacting.
Penny: Leonard, hang on. Just come here. Maybe you need to let him go.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? Why?
Penny: It might be good for him.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know he can't take trip like this himself.
Penny: He's a grown man.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, he looks like a grown man. You've seen "Freaky Friday". Sometimes little kids end up in big person bodies.
Penny: Leonard, we can't protect him forever.
Leonard Hofstadter: I know, but...
Penny: He'll be okay. You taught him well, Padawan.
Sheldon Cooper: Good Lord. Padawan's the student, not the teacher.
Penny: Seriously, let him go.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, if you really need to do this I'm not gonna stand in your way.
Sheldon Cooper: I do.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. Good luck.
Penny: Be safe and call us.
[Kisses him]
Sheldon Cooper: I will.
Leonard Hofstadter: Bye, buddy. Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm gonna miss you.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course you are.
Leonard Hofstadter: He just made that easier.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition (#2.19)" (2009)
Rajesh Koothrappali: I like Green Lantern, I'm just saying it's pretty lame that he can be defeated by the color yellow.
Sheldon: Only the modern Green Lantern is vulnerable to yellow.
Leonard: Golden Age Green Lantern was vulnerable to wood.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Great. So I can take them both out with a number 2 pencil?

Penny: OK, honey, did you even know the people that are moving out?
Sheldon: I've never met them, that's what made them perfect. There were no awkward hellos in the halls, there's no clickety-clacking of high-heeled shoes on hardwood floors... they may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape... and without that annoying ammonia urine smell.
Penny: Well, I'm sure the new people will be just as quiet.
Sheldon: You can't know that! How can you possibly know that?
Penny: You're right, I can't. You know what, anyone could rent that apartment now. An opera singer, the cast of Stomp... yeah, a tap dancing pirate with a wooden leg.
Leonard: Why are you making it worse?
Penny: I tried making it better, he wouldn't go for it.

Sheldon: You know, Penny, there is something that occurs in beehives that you might find interesting. Occasionally a new queen bee will arrive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, the old queen must either locate to a new hive or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains.
Penny: What are you saying? That I'm threatened by Alicia, that I'm like the old queen of the hive and it's just time for me to go?
Sheldon: I'm just taking about bees. They're on the Discovery Channel. What are you talking about?

Sheldon: May I interject something here?
Penny: Please!
Sheldon: You got the wrong mustard.

Leonard: [Sheldon shakes one of the boxes of the new tenant] What are you doing?
Sheldon: I'm checking for musical instruments.
[Shakes the box again]
Sheldon: Does that sound like castanets to you?
Leonard: The box says "kitchen".
Sheldon: So? Do cocaine smugglers write "cocaine" on the box?

Sheldon: [after hearing Penny mimic Alicia] Oh, mimicry. I enjoy mimicry. I've been working on Admiral Ackbar from "Return of the Jedi". "It's a trap!" You have to imagine me with a giant squid head.

Penny: What exactly is he doing up there?
Sheldon: In what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrapali setting up her stereo.
Penny: Oh, they're all up there are they? Typical.
Sheldon: It's axiomatically atypical. Up until recently they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her at her previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants. So your characterization of their behavior as typical is demonstratively fallacious.
Penny: Okay, *now* I see the giant squid head.

Sheldon: Did you remember to ask for the chicken and broccoli to be diced, not shredded?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Even though the menu specifies shredded?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Brown rice, not white?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: You stop at the green grocery and get the good hot mustard?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Did you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce from the market?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Good. See how it's done, Leonard?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Wiggly Finger Catalyst (#5.4)" (2011)
Raj Koothrappali: I don't know if I want to play anymore.
Sheldon Cooper: Because you don't have a girlfriend? Good lord, if that becomes a reason to not play Dungeons & Dragons, this game's in serious trouble.

Sheldon Cooper: I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.
[continues to eat, without further explanation. The others looks curiously at him]
Leonard Hofstadter: Could you tell us...?
Sheldon Cooper: Let's see...
[rolls dice]
Sheldon Cooper: Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.
Penny: Hang on... Doubles. Roll again.
Sheldon Cooper: [rolls again] Okay, get this. It doesn't matter if he's showering her with gifts. Because the Koothrappali's are vastly wealthy.
Penny: What do you mean, "vastly wealthy"?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I'm not sure what's tripping you up.

Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I know they have money. But I don't think it's that much.
Sheldon Cooper: No, you're wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. From time to time I noterized banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren't just rich. They're Richie Rich rich.
Penny: So how much is that?
Sheldon Cooper: About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck.

Sheldon Cooper: Can't figure out what to do? I remember those days! If you'll excuse me, I have to...
[stands up, rolling dice]
Sheldon Cooper: Stay right here.
[sits down]

Sheldon Cooper: The entrance to the dungeon is a moss covered door. You manage to open it only to find yourself face to face with a hideous, foul-smelling, moss-covered ogre. What do you do?
Howard Wolowitz: I say, "Hey, Ma! What's for dinner?"
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon rolls dice] Seventeen. The ogre is amused by your joke and allows you to pass. And by the by, I liked it too.

Howard Wolowitz: Really? On Dungeons and Dragons I enter a dungeon and find a dragon? Isn't that a little on the nose?
Sheldon Cooper: When you play Chutes and Ladders, do you complain about all the chutes and ladders?

Penny: Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't thank me, thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave.
Howard Wolowitz: Why are you still doing this?
Sheldon Cooper: Because it's working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I have co-authored two papers in notable peer review journals, and I'm close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.
Leonard Hofstadter: You forgot to mention got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants.
Sheldon Cooper: The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.

Penny: I can't believe Raj has a girlfriend.
[Sheldon rolls his dices]
Sheldon Cooper: Me neither.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Roommate Transmogrification (#4.24)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: The apartment has three emergency exits located here, here, and here. In the event of a power outage, luminescent paint will guide you to the nearest exit.
Raj Koothrappali: You're kidding.
[Sheldon turns off the lights, revealing glowing arrows on the floor]
Sheldon Cooper: I never kid about safety.

Penny: What happened to Leonard?
Sheldon Cooper: Same thing that happened to Homo erectus. He was replaced by a superior species.
Raj Koothrappali: I'm the new Homo in town!
[pause]
Raj Koothrappali: That came out wrong.

Sheldon Cooper: Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? A hint: sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.
Penny: Monkeys!
Sheldon Cooper: When does a monkey have a trunk?
Penny: When a suitcase just won't do.
[Penny and Raj laugh]
Sheldon Cooper: All right. It would appear as if alcohol is playing keep-away with your intelligence.

Sheldon Cooper: What are you doing here?
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: I said, what are you doing here?
Leonard Hofstadter: I live here.
Sheldon Cooper: I have paperwork that says differently.

[first lines]
Penny: Hi, you guys ready to order?
Sheldon Cooper: [the gang mutters consent] Sure.
Penny: 'Kay. Priya?
Priya Koothrappali: I'll have the Shepherd's pie.
[to Leonard]
Priya Koothrappali: You want to split that with me?
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, he doesn't.
Priya Koothrappali: Why not?
Penny: Well, you know, milk in the taters, milk in the gravy, parmesan crust... your lactose-intolerant boyfriend will turn into a gas-filled Macy's day balloon.

Howard Wolowitz: You gotta like this. The girlfriend, the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.
Leonard Hofstadter: Kill me.
Sheldon Cooper: It wouldn't help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.

Sheldon Cooper: I must say, Amy, I was very impressed to see that Bernadette got her Ph.D.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's indeed admirable. Although it is microbiology.
Sheldon Cooper: Your doctorate is in neurobiology. I fail to see the distinction.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'll make it simple for you. I study the brain, the organ responsible for Beethoven's "Fifth Symphony." Bernadette studies yeast, the organism responsible for Michelob Light.

[last lines]
Penny: [after Penny drunkenly sleeps with Raj, she tries to sneak out, but is finds Sheldon, Leonard, and Howard in the living room] Damn.
Leonard Hofstadter: What is going on?
Penny: [laughing nervously] Oh, it's, it's not what it looks like.
[embarrassed, Penny quickly leaves]
Sheldon Cooper: What does it look like?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Egg Salad Equivalency (#6.12)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: I needed advice about a woman, and I would have asked you, but if the last few years have proven anything it's that you can't tell a uterus from a unicycle.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I must say, Leonard, when I first heard your idea for Giant Jenga, I was skeptical.
Leonard Hofstadter: I can't blame you. Tiny Twister was a complete bust.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh no, I was wrong. The looming threat of being crushed under a pile of lumber does add a certain spice. I've never felt so alive.

Alex Jensen: What did I do?
Sheldon Cooper: You don't know? Oh, you poor dear. Your ovaries are squirting so much goofy-juice into your brains you don't even know which way is up. You made an inappropriate sexual advance towards Dr. Hofstadter.
Alex Jensen: What! I didn't make a sexual advance on anybody.
Sheldon Cooper: Yo, now there's no need to get defensive. Look, I'm not unsympathetic to your plight. You- my father used to say that a woman is like an egg salad sandwich on a warm Texas day.
Alex Jensen: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time.
Alex Jensen: This conversation is making me uncomfortable.
Sheldon Cooper: You and me both, sister.

Janine Davis: That's it. All of you, in my office, now!
Sheldon Cooper: Thanks to you I know better than to ask if you're menstruating. And based on your behavior I don't have to.

Janine Davis: Well, according to Ms. Jensen, you said that she was a slave to her biological urges and called her an egg salad sandwich. I don't even know what that means, but I'm gonna go ahead and tell you you can't say it.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh! I see the confusion here. No, no, Alex thought I was singling her out. No. I meant that all women are slaves to their biological urges, you know? Even you. You're a slave.
Janine Davis: I'm a what?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, y-you, I-I'm just saying, you know, at a certain point in a woman's menstrual cycle...
Janine Davis: Whuh-ah! Woah! You can't talk about that, either, Dr. Cooper. Your language is entirely inappropriate, and I'm gonna advise that you shut your mouth right now.

Leonard Hofstadter: Did you tell something to Penny about me and Alex?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, and a fat lot of good it did me. It just made her angry at you.

Sheldon Cooper: The next time you fall prey to your reproductive urges, please feel free to leaf through this book of sexually transmitted diseases. For example, check out this oozy doozy.
Alex Jensen: I'm afraid I have to go.
Sheldon Cooper: So does this guy, but he can't without it burning like hot soup.

Sheldon Cooper: Actually, I'm here to file a complaint. Someone has used sexual language that I found to be offensive.
Janine Davis: And who would that be?
Sheldon Cooper: You, you dirty birdy! I've been thinking about those things you said to me yesterday, and I've come to the conclusion that they've made me very uncomfortable. So be a dear and grab me one of those complaint forms.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Desperation Emanation (#4.5)" (2010)
[last lines]
[Amy and Sheldon are speaking to Amy's mother over a video computer connection on a laptop]
Mrs. Fowler: It's nice to meet you too, Sheldon. I honestly didn't believe Amy when she told me she had a boyfriend.
Sheldon Cooper: I assure you I am quite real. And I'm having regular intercourse with your daughter.
Mrs. Fowler: [in a surprised tone] What?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, yes. We're like wild animals in heat. It's a wonder neither of us has been hurt.
Mrs. Fowler: [scared] Amy, what is he saying?
Amy Farrah Fowler: You wanted me to have a boyfriend, mother. Well, here he is.
[Sheldon waves at the computer screen, while Mrs. Fowler nervously waves back]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Have to sign off now. My hunger for Sheldon is stirring in my loins.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh yes. It's time for me to make love to your daughter's vagina.
[Mrs. Fowler makes a little yelp as Sheldon closes the computer top]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you, Sheldon; that went very well.
Sheldon Cooper: Agreed. Amy, I find myself wondering if we should actually engage in coitus at least one time in our relationship.
[Amy stares at him blankly]
Sheldon Cooper: Bazinga.
[looks at his watch]
Sheldon Cooper: Bedtime. Please show yourself out.

Leonard Hofstadter: Alright, well let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an incline plane wrapped helically around an axis?
Sheldon Cooper: Screwed.
Leonard Hofstadter: There you go.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I believe a misunderstanding may have occurred when I asked you to meet my mother.
Sheldon Cooper: No misunderstanding. I'e learned what that request actually means, and I don't want to be joined to another object by an inclined plane wrapped helically around an axis.
Amy Farrah Fowler: In what way are you screwed?

Sheldon Cooper: What makes you chuckle, Leonard?
Leonard Hofstadter: Um, recently? Not much.
Sheldon Cooper: Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?
Leonard Hofstadter: Um... shut up.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, guys.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey.
Sheldon Cooper: Alright, I'll bow to social pressure. Hey.

Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I'm off to meet Bernadette's friend. How do I look?
Sheldon Cooper: As if one of the plants from "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd amount of hair gel.

Leonard Hofstadter: You changed the address on the building? What about mail?
Sheldon Cooper: No worries, I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were "Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy."

Sheldon Cooper: You know, it just occurred to me: if there are an infinite number of parallel universes, in one of then there's probably a Sheldon who doesn't believe parallel universes exist.
Leonard Hofstadter: Probably; what's your point?
Sheldon Cooper: No point. It's just one of the things that makes one of the mes chuckle.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Psychic Vortex (#3.12)" (2010)
[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Look at us! Getting ready for a double date with actual women who publicly acknowledge they're our girlfriends.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes. Actual women are the best.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't understand. What other kind of women are there?
Leonard Hofstadter: Howard, artificial women are your department. You want to take this?
Howard Wolowitz: Nah. It would just freak him out.

Rajesh Koothrappali: Namasté, white people! Good news. I've rented us the four-hour edition of Watchmen.
Leonard Hofstadter: Got it.
Howard Wolowitz: Seen it.
Sheldon Cooper: Detailed analysis posted online.

Rajesh Koothrappali: Come on, Sheldon. The world is filled with people doing things outside; let's go outside. Outside is good.
Sheldon Cooper: If outside is so good, why has mankind spent thousands of years trying to perfect inside?
Rajesh Koothrappali: I don't know. It's a marketing scheme.

Sheldon Cooper: Thanks for giving me your limited-edition Green Lantern lantern.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Did you really have to bring it in with you?
Sheldon Cooper: What if evil strikes and my power ring runs low?
Rajesh Koothrappali: Come on, let's get a drink.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't drink.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Yeah, well, I do, and when my wingman is carrying a Green Lantern lantern, I drink a lot.

Rajesh Koothrappali: My Incredible Hulk hands signed by Stan Lee.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, my.
[Puts on hands]
Sheldon Cooper: I've admired these for years.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Does that mean we can go with the girls again?
Sheldon Cooper: [Imitates Hulk] Hulk agree to second date with puny humans!
Rajesh Koothrappali: You can't wear the hands on the date.
Sheldon Cooper: Hulk sad.

Abby: Hi, Raj. Where are you from?
Rajesh Koothrappali: The mysterious sub-continent of India.
Abby: Ooh... India?
Rajesh Koothrappali: You know India?
Abby: I saw Slumdog Millionaire.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Well, I'm a slumdog astrophysicist.
Sheldon Cooper: I thought your father was a gynecologist.

Sheldon Cooper: Good night, puny human!

[last lines]
Martha: Listen, they're kind of getting busy in the living room, and I was wondering if I could hang out in here for a while.
Sheldon Cooper: Why, I suppose. Come in.
[Martha enters his bedroom]
Sheldon Cooper: I'll sleep in Leonard's room; good night.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Spaghetti Catalyst (#3.20)" (2010)
Penny: So, how you been?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, my existence is a continuum, so I've been what I am at each point in the implied time period.
Penny: You're just coitusing with me, are you?
Sheldon Cooper: Bazinga!

Sheldon Cooper: Uh-oh.
Penny: What is it?
Sheldon Cooper: I want to get my mail.
Penny: So go get it.
[pause]
Penny: Are you trying to get it telepathically?
Sheldon Cooper: I think you mean telekinetically, and no.

Howard Wolowitz: The point is, you have to take sides. Are you on Team Penny or Team Leonard?
Sheldon Cooper: Which team picks last?
Howard Wolowitz: What?
Sheldon Cooper: In high school, I was always in the team that picks last, unless there was a kid in a wheelchair.

Raj Koothrappali: Sure, he's over it. That's why he's been trying to invent that memory wiping device from "Men in Black".
Sheldon Cooper: Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.
Howard Wolowitz: So would Ben Affleck.

Leonard Hofstadter: When you say "seeing Penny", what exactly does that mean?
Sheldon Cooper: We had dinner last night. She made spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in the sauce. Well, little hot dog. I had to give the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real big dog. A hellhound. Tangential to the main story. Let me backtrack.

Leonard Hofstadter: Why did you eat dinner with us?
Sheldon Cooper: I didn't want you guys to feel bad. Howard had informed me that my allegiance be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you sure he didn't say bros before hos?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I changed the phrasing so as not to offend the hos.

Sheldon Cooper: I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.
Penny: Yep.
Sheldon Cooper: That's the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that's what the Romans made Jesus eat.

Sheldon Cooper: [Knock, knock, knock] Penny,
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Penny.
[Knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Penny.
[Sheldon is holding up one hot dog]
Sheldon Cooper: Here. I had to trade the others for my life.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Extract Obliteration (#6.6)" (2012)
[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Professor Hawking, how nice of you to call.
Stephen Hawking: Hello. I really enjoyed our game, Dr. Cooper.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, me too.
Stephen Hawking: Or should I say Dr. Loser. Ha, ha ha.
Sheldon Cooper: Y-yes, congratulations. You won fair and square. Uh, very impressive, sir.
Stephen Hawking: Do you like brain teasers?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I love brain teasers.
Stephen Hawking: What does Sheldon Cooper and a black hole have in common? They both suck. Neener-neener.

Sheldon Cooper: Earlier today, I invited Professor Stephen Hawking to join me in the popular online game Words With Friends. Moments ago, he accepted my request! Do you understand what that means?
Howard Wolowitz: That somewhere right now, Stephen Hawking is saying, "Damn it. I meant to click no."

Sheldon Cooper: Paradigm-shifting news, gentlemen!
[Turns off dancing game]
Raj Koothrappali: Dude! I was about to Bollywood this bitch!

Sheldon Cooper: The game is not called Words with Strangers. No. It is not even called Words with Acquaintances. It's called Words with...
Raj Koothrappali: I'm not finishing your sentence! You pulled the plug on my funk!

Sheldon Cooper: It's only a matter of time before we're coming up with fun nicknames for each other. I'll be Coop. Yeah. He'll be Wheels. If he's okay with that.

Sheldon Cooper: Stephen Hawking's a genius and he talks like a robot. Everything I've ever wanted in a friend.

Sheldon Cooper: One of the greatest intellects of our time has agreed to engage with me in a gentlemanly battle of wits. And, I'm spanking him so hard his grad students won't be able to sit down.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You know, when one male dominates another, his testosterone level rises.
Sheldon Cooper: What's your point?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's exciting to think you might be getting a testosterone level.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Re-Entry Minimization (#6.4)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: It's been a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We'll remember you with fond nostalgia, like the dial-up modem, the VHS tape and Leonard's gym membership.
Raj Koothrappali: I don't want Stuart to leave. We've become good friends.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay, that's one vote for, one against. Leonard, you're the tie breaker.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't mind Stuart. Besides, he gives us 20% discounts on comic books.
Sheldon Cooper: My friendship isn't sold so cheaply.
Stuart: I can go as high as 30.
Sheldon Cooper: Welcome aboard, old chum.

Sheldon Cooper: [on Howard] He left a boy, he returns a boy-sized hero.

Penny: Sheldon, you're full of fun little facts. Where do you think the expression "have your ass handed to you" come from?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know.
Penny: I bet it was from ancient Rome, where they actually chopped off someone's ass and went "Here" as an offering to Loseronius, the God of Losers.

Penny: We're not playing a made-up game.
Sheldon Cooper: All games are made up. They're not found in nature. No one digs on the ground and finds a rich vein of Rock'em Sock'em Robots.

Sheldon Cooper: [after losing at "Where's Waldo"] How could you not find him?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because he's hard to find! If he was easy to find, the books would be called "There's Waldo!"

Sheldon Cooper: [At a pie-eating contest] I'm concerned about all these blueberries. Blueberries are rich in anti-oxidants.
Leonard Hofstadter: So?
Sheldon Cooper: With all those anti-oxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, we haven't won a single game. Either you put your face in that pie, or I will put the pie in your face!

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, we haven't won a game all night. You either sick your face in that pie or I'm gonna stick that pie in your face.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, that's rude.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Guitarist Amplification (#3.7)" (2009)
[first lines]
Penny: Wow, Sheldon, I can not believe you made up your own game.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, "Research Lab" is more than a game. Like the slogan says, "the physics is theoretical, but the fun is real."
Leonard Hofstadter: We must not be playing it right.

Penny: Hey.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey.
[pause]
Leonard Hofstadter: We're, uh, going to the movies.
Sheldon Cooper: No, we're not. We're standing in the hallway, suffering through an awkward encounter.

Sheldon Cooper: Stop it, both of you! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! "Damn it, George, I told you if you didn't quit drinking I'd leave you!" "Well, I guess that makes you a liar, 'cause I'm drunk as hell and you're still here!" "Stop yelling, you're making Sheldon cry!" "I'll tell you what's making Sheldon cry: that I let you name him Sheldon!"

Penny: Here, what's going on?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's a little hard to explain. He does this thing where he pretends he's in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we're in, but he can't perceive us.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't flatter yourself; I'm just ignoring you.

Penny: How 'bout we buy you this robot, and then we all go home.
Sheldon Cooper: I want that one.
Penny: Okay, you can have that one.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, come on! He's just going to play with it twice, and it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk.
Penny: Buy him the robot, Leonard.
Sheldon Cooper: Can I get this comic book too?
Penny: Yes, you can.

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, when that woman moved in three years ago, I told you not to talk to her, and now look, we're going to be late for the movies.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: I should have asked for *much* more than a comic book and a robot.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization (#1.9)" (2008)
Leonard Hofstadter: You can not blow up my head with your mind.
Sheldon Cooper: Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.

Sheldon Cooper: You know, in the future, when we're disembodied brains in jars, we're going to look back on this as eight hours well wasted.
Raj Koothrappali: I don't want to be in a jar. I want my brain in an android body... eight feet tall and ripped.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm with you. I just have to make sure if I'm a synthetic human, I'd still be Jewish. I promised my mother.
Raj Koothrappali: I suppose you could have your android penis circumcised... but that's something your rabbi will have to discuss with the manufacturer.
Sheldon Cooper: Not to mention, you'd have to power down on Saturdays.

Leonard Hofstadter: What is this letter doing in the trash?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, it may be that a trashcan spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam's Razor suggests that someone threw it away.

Leonard Hofstadter: We have to do this.
Sheldon Cooper: No, we have to take in nourishment, expel waste and breathe in enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is purely optional.

Penny: So you and Leonard, huh? A little misunderstanding?
Sheldon: A little misunderstanding? A little misunderstanding? Galileo and the pope had a little misunderstanding...

Penny: [At their mailboxes] . Get anything good?
Sheldon Cooper: Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.
Penny: Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn't.
[Sheldon looks confused]
Penny: It was a joke.

Sheldon Cooper: Was the apple falling on Newton's head just an anecdote?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, you are not Isaac Newton.
Sheldon Cooper: No, that's true. Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
Leonard Hofstadter: You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
Sheldon Cooper: You continue to underestimate me, my good man.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Alien Parasite Hypothesis (#4.10)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: What is the best number? By the way, there's only one correct answer.
Raj Koothrappali: Five million, three hundred eighteen thousand and eight?
Sheldon Cooper: Wrong. The best number is 73. You're probably wondering why.
Howard Wolowitz: No.
Raj Koothrappali: We're good.
Sheldon Cooper: 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying - hang on to your hats - seven and three. Heh? Heh? Did I lie?
Leonard Hofstadter: We get it. 73 is the Chuck Norris of numbers.
Sheldon Cooper: Chuck Norris wishes. In binary, 73 is a palindrome: 1001001, which backwards is 1001001. Exactly the same. All Chuck Norris backwards gets you is "sirron kcuhc."
Raj Koothrappali: Just for the record, when you enter 5,318,008 in a calculator, upside down, it spells "boobies."

Sheldon Cooper: Aren't you slicing that man's brain a little too thin?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's too thin if I were making a foot-long brain sandwich at Quizno's. For examination under a two photon microscope, it's fine.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, you're the expert. If the correct way to do it is the wrong way, then I yield.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Very well. If you die and donate your body to science, I promise to slice your brain like Canadian bacon.

Sheldon Cooper: What were the symptoms?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Elevated heart rate, moist palms, dry mouth, and localized vascular throbbing.
Sheldon Cooper: Localized to what region?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Ears and genitalia.
Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. Not body parts that usually team up.

Sheldon Cooper: Possible explanations for your symptoms are, in descending order of likelihood: hyperthyroidism, premature menopause, hosting an alien parasite, or, and I only include it for the sake of covering absolutely all bases... sexual arousal.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Where would I have picked up an alien parasite?

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I am not going through menopause!
Sheldon Cooper: Are you sure? You said that with the testy bark of an old biddy.

Penny: Are you saying that Amy is... oh, what's the scientific word...
Sheldon Cooper: Forget science. She's horny.

Penny: I'm suggesting there might be something you could do about Amy's... urges.
Sheldon Cooper: It's illegal to spay a human being.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Bon Voyage Reaction (#6.24)" (2013)
Penny: Well, here we are.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yep. Really going to miss you.
Penny: Going to miss you too.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, we're in the red zone. The white zone is for loading and unloading. We're breaking the law.
Penny: Yeah, there's no space in the white zone, so...
Leonard Hofstadter: Anyway. We can email and I, I think the phone connections are pretty good.
Sheldon Cooper: [quickly] All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I'm not going to jail for you.
Sheldon Cooper: Would you just relax?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I see a space in the white zone. Quick, circle the airport!
Penny: Did you bring enough inhalers?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
Penny: And extra Dramamine? You remember what happened on "It's a Small World."
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I'm covered.
Penny: OK.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, dear Lord, a police officer's glancing in our direction. We've been made.
Leonard Hofstadter: Calm down, I'm getting out. Something I want to give you.
Penny: Oh, Leonard.
Sheldon Cooper: [very quickly] It's just a heart shaped locket with a picture of Leonard's face in it he got at the mall on clearance. Now move, move, move.
Penny: I love you.
Leonard Hofstadter: I love you too.
[They kiss and embrace]
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't worry officer. They just love each other. We're not smuggling drugs.

Leonard Hofstadter: Look, I appreciate your signature blend of concern for me and incredible selfishness. If I get the chance to do this, there is nothing you can say that's going to stop me.
Sheldon Cooper: Very well.
[long pause]
Sheldon Cooper: Things between you and Penny have never been better. I hope four months apart doesn't change anything.
[Leonard stops the car and stares at him]
Sheldon Cooper: I should have opened with that, huh?

Sheldon Cooper: If Hawking's theories are correct, all he'd prove is where the universe came from, why everything exists and what its ultimate end will be. Me, I'm interested in the big questions.

[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: So anyway, last night on video-chat I spent like twenty minutes just staring into Lucy's eyes.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sounds romantic.
Raj Koothrappali: It was until I realized the screen had frozen. Still one of my top three dates of all time.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are we ever going to hang out with this girl?
Raj Koothrappali: I'd love that, but she's not really comfortable around people.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick; I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek.
Leonard Hofstadter: How's that working for you?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, like a charm, Unnamed Crewman in a Red Shirt.

Penny: Oh, my God. Sheldon the genius is actually jealous of Leonard.
Sheldon Cooper: I am not jealous. I'm just upset that good things are happening for him and are not happening to me.

Howard Wolowitz: It must have been tough for you saying that about Leonard.
Sheldon Cooper: It was.
Howard Wolowitz: It must have killed you when I went to space.

Sheldon Cooper: For the record, it did not kill me when you went to space. Monkeys went to space.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Transmogrification (#7.22)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: Gentlemen, since Star Wars' Day is rapidly approaching we should finalize our plans.
Penny: That's a real thing? What is it? Star Wars' Christmas?
Howard Wolowitz: No, don't be ridiculous. That's Wookie Life Day.

Sheldon Cooper: What are you doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: Comforting you?
Sheldon Cooper: Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren't.

Sheldon Cooper: I'll be at home celebrating Star Wars' Day as planned.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you sure you don't want to say goodbye?
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, mourning the inevitable is a complete waste of time.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And watching a bunch of goofy space movies you've seen hundreds of time isn't?
Sheldon Cooper: If we were in a physical relationship you just lost sex tonight.

Sheldon Cooper: Arthur. I thought you were dead.
Arthur Jeffries: I am. It's fantastic. I mean this is the longest I've gone running into a men's room in years.
Sheldon Cooper: Why are you here?
Arthur Jeffries: I don't know. I was hoping of going to haunt my ex-wife.
Sheldon Cooper: I know why. You've come to me because you're my Obi Wan.
Arthur Jeffries: I'm not... I'm not familiar with that Is that an internet?
Sheldon Cooper, Arthur Jeffries: Wow. You're dead so I'm gonna let that slide. Obi Wan Knobi is a character from Star Wars. After his physical demise he comes to Luke Skywalker as his mentor in spirit form.
Arthur Jeffries: Well, that clears that up.
Sheldon Cooper: You must be here to give me advice.
Arthur Jeffries: [Appears in Obi Wan Knobi Jedi robes] Well this... this is weird. Most of my robes open in the back.
Sheldon Cooper: Those are your Jedi robes.
Arthur Jeffries: Oh wait... what? What... what is this?
[Activate light saber]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, be careful with that.
Arthur Jeffries: Whoa. Whoa. Oh, neato.
[Waves light saber around]
Arthur Jeffries: I'm uh. I'm going to need a band-aid.

Arthur Jeffries: Where are we?
Sheldon Cooper: This is the swamp land of Degobah. It's where Luke was trained in the ways of the Jedi.
Arthur Jeffries: Oh, too bad. I thought it was Florida.

Sheldon Cooper: When Obi Wan came to Luke on this very spot he gave him all sorts of helpful advice. So, um, what have you got for me?
Arthur Jeffries: Um, always get a pre-nupt.
Sheldon Cooper: That's it? I thought there would be more of a reason why you are here.
Arthur Jeffries: Why do you think I'm here?
Sheldon Cooper: I suppose it has something to do with your recent passing.
Arthur Jeffries: Is this the first time you lost someone close to you?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh no, no. I already had to say good-bye to eleven Dr. Who's.
Arthur Jeffries: Yeah, I out lived a few of my doctors, too.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course my grandfather died when I was five and my father died when I was fourteen.
Arthur Jeffries: I'm sorry about that.
Sheldon Cooper: And now you're gone too. It's like all the men I've looked up to have gone away.
Arthur Jeffries: You know it's all right to be sad about it, but just make sure appreciate those who are still there for you.
Sheldon Cooper: But I do appreciate them.
Arthur Jeffries: Well then what am I doing in the swamp dressed like Friar Tuck? Appreciate them Sheldon.

Sheldon Cooper: Well why do I need you now?
Arthur Jeffries: Well as near as I can tell you fell asleep watching Star Wars and now you're dreaming you're watching Star Wars.
Sheldon Cooper: So?
Arthur Jeffries: Don't you see a problem there? I mean how you're spending your limited time on earth.
Sheldon Cooper: Not at all.
Arthur Jeffries: OK. Good luck to you.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Robotic Manipulation (#4.1)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: [about Howard's robot arm] Fine, but one must be cautious.
Leonard Hofstadter: How so?
Sheldon Cooper: Today it's retrieving condiments. Tomorrow, it's travelling back in time to kill Sarah Connor.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't think that's gonna happen.
Sheldon Cooper: No one ever does. That's why it happens.

Sheldon Cooper: Amy pointed out that between the two of us, our genetic material has the potential of creating the first in a line of intellectually superior benign overlords to guide humanity to a brighter tomorrow.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm guessing future historians will comdemn us for not taking this opportunity to kill Sheldon.

Penny: You don't even like people touching you. How are you and Amy going to have sex?
Sheldon Cooper: Why on Earth would we do that?
Penny: To have your baby. Didn't your mom have the talk? You know, when your private parts started to grow?
Sheldon Cooper: I am well aware of the way humans usually procreate, which is messy, unsanitary, and judging from living next door to you for the past three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon Cooper: Exactly.

Sheldon Cooper: You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.
Penny: Really? They're gonna make a robot that spits on your hamburger?
Sheldon Cooper: [to Leonard] I thought you broke up with her. Why is she here?

Sheldon Cooper: If Amy and I choose to bring new life into this world, it will be accomplished clinically, with fertility experts in a lab with Petri dishes. Which reminds me, you have broad hips and a certain corn-fed vigor. Is your womb available for rental?

Penny: So, um, Amy, Sheldon tells me you're a Neuro... something or other?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Neurobiologist. Your "check engine" light is on.
Penny: Yeah, it's OK.
Amy Farrah Fowler: But the light indicates...
Sheldon Cooper: Don't, bother, I've wasted many an hour tilting at that particular windmill.
Penny: Uh, what is that scent you're wearing? It smells great.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Dandruff Shampoo. I have dry scalp.
Penny: Ah, well your hair looks very nice.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you a homosexual?
Penny: No, No, I'm just, giving you a compliment.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hm. Would have been more flattered if you were a homosexual.
Penny: Guys, how about some music?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I wouldn't care for that, Amy?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No, thank you.
Penny: OK. Uncomfortable silence it is. Hey, Sheldon, have you told Amy what it was like for you growing up in Texas?
Sheldon Cooper: No.
Penny: Well, why don't you tell her?
Sheldon Cooper: Alright. It was hell.
Penny: Any follow up Amy?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No.
Penny: I, myself, grew up in Nebraska. Small town, outside of Omaha. Yeah, a nice place, mostly family farms, a few meth labs.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, how is this better than uncomfortable silence?
Penny: I don't know, I was just trying something.
Sheldon Cooper: Muggles.

Penny: [sighs] OK, you know what? I'm gonna come at this in a whole new way. Sheldon, if you try to make a baby with Amy in a petri dish, I'm going to tell your mother on you.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, that's no threat. My mother's always wanted a grandchild.
Penny: Really, your deeply religious, born again Christian mother wants a test tube grandbaby born out of wedlock?
Sheldon Cooper: [stunned] Curses.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Locomotive Manipulation (#7.15)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: What is your problem?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's Valentine's Day. We're supposed to be having a romantic weekend.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh really? Because I remember you saying that trip was going to be something we could both enjoy. Did you really mean that or were you just trying to trick me?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Fine, it's true. I deserve romance and I didn't know how else to make it happen.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, if you want romance, let's have romance. Oh, look, there's wine.
[Takes Amy's wine glass and drinks]
Sheldon Cooper: Grape juice that burns. Um, let's now gaze into each other's eyes.
[Looks at Amy's eyes]
Sheldon Cooper: You blinked, I win.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: What's next? Oh, kissing's romantic.
[Amy doesn't believe him, gets kissed and enjoys it. So does Sheldon]
Amy Farrah Fowler: That was nice.
Sheldon Cooper: Good. Um. The conductor said if I come back to the engine room he'd show me how to bring the train through a crossing.
Amy Farrah Fowler: OK, have fun.
Sheldon Cooper: Do you want to come with me?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Really? I do.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Item 28 your pet name for me. Time's running out on this. You need to make decision.
Sheldon Cooper: I submitted you a notarized list.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I sorry, but Golum and Flaky are not acceptable.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, you don't like Princess Corncob. You don't like Fester. You're just impossible to please.

Sheldon Cooper: We've only been dating three years. If we share a room people might talk.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Why do I even try?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm going to fix this right now.
Howard Wolowitz: OK. Just make it look light an accident.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Excuse me. You at a Valentine's dinner with your girlfriend. Now get back over there and be with her.
Sheldon Cooper: You're right. That was insensitive of me. I have to got back to my table now. You should join us.
Eric: All right.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Great. Now there's two of them.

Sheldon Cooper: I never want this day to ever end.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Feeling like it never will.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I propose we spend Valentine's Day at a bed and breakfast in Napa.
Sheldon Cooper: I hate every word in that sentence, including "we", "in", "at", and "a".

Sheldon Cooper: So how long have you been riding trains?
Eric: Six years. I used to work at UPS until a box fell on my head. Now I just collect disability and ride the rails.
Sheldon Cooper: Your life is perfect.
Eric: Not always. Six years ago a box fell on me at UPS and hit me on the head.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Killer Robot Instability (#2.12)" (2009)
[the guys are about to test their robot on a toaster oven]
Sheldon Cooper: This is an auspicious moment. Like Robert Oppenheimer or Neil Armstrong, we need the appropriate words to mark this historic scientific event.
Rajesh Koothrappali: How about "Die, toaster, die!"?
Leonard Hofstadter: That'll do it.

Howard Wolowitz: Once again, Penny and I have begun our little tango. The carnal repartee, the erotic to and fro. But as delicious as the appetizer might be, at some point we have to succumb and eat the entree while it's still...
[mimes sizzle]
Howard Wolowitz: ... hot.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm begging you, stop.
Penny: Normally, I can just ignore you. I get it. You're a little peculiar, like Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, Penny, but in this room, you are the one who is peculiar.
Penny: You may be right. But back to you. I know you think you're just some kind of smooth-talking ladies man, but the truth is you're just pathetic and creepy.
Howard Wolowitz: So, what are you saying?
Penny: I am saying that it is not a compliment to call me doable. It is not sexy to stare at my ass and say "Ooh, that must be jelly, 'cause jam don't shake like that." And we are not dancing a tango, we are not to-ing and fro-ing, othing's going to happen between us! Ever!
Howard Wolowitz: Wait a minute. We're not flirting, you're serious.
Penny: Flirting? You think I'm flirting with you? No woman is ever going to flirt with you! You're just going to grow old and die alone!

Sheldon Cooper: Is it wrong to say I love our killer robot?
Rajesh Koothrappali: As with my father, I both love and fear it.

Sheldon Cooper: Your robot is inferior, and it will be defeated by ours, because ours exceeds yours in both design and execution. Also, I'm given to understand that your mother is overweight.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, snap.
Sheldon Cooper: Now of course, if that is a result of a glandular condition and not sloth and gluttony I withdraw that comment.

Sheldon Cooper: We don't need Wolowitz. Engineering is merely the slow, younger brother of physics. Watch and learn.
[pause]
Sheldon Cooper: Do either of you know how to open a tool box?

[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: All right, that's the last servo. Behold, the Mobile Omnidirectional Neutralization and Termination Eradicator, or
Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz, Rajesh Koothrappali: Monte.
[pronounced monty]
Howard Wolowitz: Featuring one articulated razor-sharp killing saw, one polycarbonate grinding and flipping wheel, steel armor-plate exo-skeleton top and bottom, and enough horsepower to drive a hundred and ten pounds of mechanized death from zero to holy crap in four point eight seconds.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: So, what do you think, Howard? I-it's not that bad, right?
Howard Wolowitz: Ah, nah, a little electrical tape, some solder... Are you insane! I've seen space probes that crashed into the desert that were in better shape than this.
Sheldon Cooper: You're right. Monte's gone. We'll bury him in the morning. A-a simple ceremony, I'll speak. Leonard, you'll play your cello.
Penny: Sheldon, honey, aren't you getting a little carried away? I mean, it's just a toy robot.
Sheldon Cooper: Just a toy robot...
[he runs to his room]
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny.
Penny: I know; I got it.
[she goes to Sheldon's room]
Penny: Sheldon! I'm sorry!
Howard Wolowitz: Well,
[pointing to his bandaged nose]
Howard Wolowitz: don't get the wrong idea. The way I see it I'm half way to pity sex.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Gothowitz Deviation (#3.3)" (2009)
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm just saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Sheldon Cooper: You can catch even more flies with manure; what's your point?

[first lines]
Penny: [dancing and singing along to the radio] "I'm goin' out tonight / I'm feelin' alright /Gonna let it all hang out / Wanna make some noise really raise my voice / Yeah, I wanna scream and shout. Ah. No-" Morning, Sheldon. Come dance with me.
Sheldon Cooper: No.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon Cooper: [turns radio off] Penny, while I subscribe to the "Many Worlds" theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.
Penny: Are you fun in any of them?
Sheldon Cooper: The math would suggest that in a few I'm a clown made of candy. But I don't dance.

Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. Sex works even better than chocolate to modify behavior. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled onto that?

Leonard Hofstadter: OK. I know what you're doing.
Sheldon Cooper: Really?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, you're using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behaviour.
Sheldon Cooper: Very good. Chocolate?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I don't want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Talking about how Sheldon deals with Penny] All I'm saying is that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Sheldon Cooper: You can catch even more flies with manure. What's your point?

Sheldon Cooper: [to himself] Interesting... Sex works even better than chocolate for modifying behavior. I wonder if anyone else has stumbled upon that?

Leonard Hofstadter: No, I don't want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat.
Sheldon Cooper: Actually, it turns out I can.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, you shouldn't.
Sheldon Cooper: There's just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren't happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, this has to stop now.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the "bazinga" was implied. I'm just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, you're not sanding Penny.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you saying that I'm forbidden from applying a harmless, scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, you're forbidden.
Sheldon Cooper: [Squirts him] Bad Leonard.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Maternal Congruence (#3.11)" (2009)
[first lines]
Penny: Ah, I always tear up when the Grinch's heart grows three sizes.
Sheldon Cooper: Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which could lead to congestive heart failure.
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Deck the Halls] Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Penny: You really didn't like it, Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character. And I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzzkill that was.
Leonard Hofstadter: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.
Leonard Hofstadter: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la!

Sheldon Cooper: December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with the traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which frankly sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake.
Leonard Hofstadter: Merry Newtonmas, everyone!
Sheldon Cooper: I sense that's not sincere, although I have no idea why.

Leonard Hofstadter: What is it?
Sheldon Cooper: I made tea.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want tea.
Sheldon Cooper: I didn't make tea for *you*. This is *my* tea.
Leonard Hofstadter: Then why are you telling me?
Sheldon Cooper: It's a conversation starter.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's a *lousy* conversation starter.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.

Sheldon Cooper: Just remember, Leonard. Where your biological family has failed you, you always have me, your surrogate family.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're my surrogate family?
Sheldon Cooper: If it's any consolation, I'm not happy about it either. Good night.

Beverly Hofstadter: [after hugging Leonard] I'm getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart.
Penny: That's the Del Taco.
Sheldon Cooper: Why is Leonard softly banging his head against his bedroom door?
Beverly Hofstadter: Speaking of warm feelings, come here!
[Kisses Sheldon square on the lips]
Beverly Hofstadter: No, I'd rather have the busboy.

Beverly Hofstadter: Sheldon, I do hope you forgive me for my inappropriate behavior last night.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't blame you. You were intoxicated.
Beverly Hofstadter: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: I blame Penny.
Penny: I blame Penny too. Bad Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wait a minute. What are you talking about? What inappropriate behavior?
Beverly Hofstadter: I think it's best that you don't know.
Sheldon Cooper: Agreed.
Penny: Agreed.
Leonard Hofstadter: What the hell. Agreed.

Beverly Hofstadter: Speaking of fathers, Leonard, that reminds me. I'm divorcing yours.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes. He was cheating on me.
Leonard Hofstadter: No!
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, with some waitress from the university cafeteria. Can you believe it? A waitress.
[to Penny]
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, no offense, dear.
Penny: [sarcastically] No, it sounded like a compliment.
Leonard Hofstadter: When did this happen?
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, let's see... Sheldon, when did I leave Leonard's father?
Sheldon Cooper: September 22nd.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, yes, that's right. The weekend after Leonard's dog died.
Leonard Hofstadter: Mitzy's dead?
Sheldon Cooper: She was old and blind, Leonard. What choice did we have?


"The Big Bang Theory: The 21-Second Excitation (#4.8)" (2010)
Evil Wil Wheaton: Hey, look who's here! Hey, buddies!
Sheldon Cooper: Well, if it isn't Wil Wheaton, the Jar-Jar Binks of the "Star Trek" universe.
Evil Wil Wheaton: [imitating Jar-Jar Binks] Mee-sa think that very funny!

[Sheldon is upset that Wil Wheaton has been invited to circumvent the line into a showing of the remastered "Raiders of the Lost Ark"]
Sheldon Cooper: This is "Indiana Jones", not "Star Trek". There should be no value to his pseudo-celebrity here.
[shouting at a departing Wil Wheaton]
Sheldon Cooper: And even at Star Trek conventions, they only let him in if he helps set up!

Sheldon Cooper: Trouble is my middle name, Leonard. Actually, it's Lee, but I prefer Trouble.

Penny: You know, I could totally rock a hat like that.
Sheldon Cooper: That's the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video, which I've never watched in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it's really scary.

Sheldon Cooper: No cuts, no butts, no coconuts.

Sheldon Cooper: This is nothing but a blatant abuse of power by a petty functionary. Explain to me why Wil Wheaton and his lackeys get in and we don't!
Joey: Because I'm the petty functionary with a clipboard, bitch.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Hesitation Ramification (#7.12)" (2014)
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's nice that we all get to eat together.
[the guys mumble in agreement]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actual human conversation?
Sheldon Cooper: We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs we don't have to.
Penny: Guys, guys. You're never going to believe this.
Leonard Hofstadter: What happened?
Penny: I just got a job on a TV show.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Congratulations.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's great. Guys!
[Guys mumble acknowledgement]
Howard Wolowitz: What's the show?
Penny: NCII or you know NCSC. I don't know. It's the one with all the letters and I'm going to be on it.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's amazing.
Howard Wolowitz: What's your part?
Penny: I play a customer in a diner and I flirt with Mark Harmon.
Raj Koothrappali: Ooooh. Mark Harmon. He's a dreamboat.
Leonard Hofstadter: So it's just flirting.
Penny: Yea, why?
Leonard Hofstadter: No reason. I just think it's sexier when left to the imagination.
Penny: Oh.
Amy Farrah Fowler: He's wrong.

Sheldon Cooper: A joke is a brief oral narrative summary with a climatic humorous twist.

Penny: Are you kidding me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Really because...
Penny: Well... the diner scene. Where's my diner scene?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, don't ask me. Until I see the prequel, I'm lost.
Penny: No. This was supposed the big scene with me and Mark Harmon, but it's... it's gone.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What happened?
Penny: They must have cut it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, Penny. I'm sorry.
Howard Wolowitz: That stinks.
Raj Koothrappali: I'm sure you were great.
Penny: This doesn't make any sense to me. I mean... I thought I did a really good job. I... Excuse me.

Leonard Hofstadter: OK, listen to me. This is just a minor setback.
Penny: No it's not. I've been out here for like ten years. I've nothing to show for it.
Leonard Hofstadter: You have me.
Penny: You're right. I do have you. Mmm. Let's get married.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Penny: Ohh. Leonard Hofstadter... will you marry me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Ummm.
Penny: Did you seriously just say, "Ummm"?
Leonard Hofstadter: Look you know I love you, but you're drunk and sad and feeling lost...
Penny: OK, so... so... you don't want to marry me?
Leonard Hofstadter: That is not what I said.
Penny: No forget it. I take it back. Offers off the table.
Sheldon Cooper: Who's in the mood to laugh?
Leonard Hofstadter: Really not a good time.
Sheldon Cooper: But I used science to construct the perfect joke.
Penny: I'm gonna go.
Leonard Hofstadter: No. Penny don't.
Penny: No, no. I just need to be alone.

Sheldon Cooper: Can't sleep?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Would you like to talk about it?
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny proposed and I didn't say yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Why not?
Leonard Hofstadter: That's a good question.
Sheldon Cooper: Does that mean the relationship is over?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know.
Sheldon Cooper: Why don't you ask her?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because I am afraid to know the answer.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I'm sorry.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's it? You're not going to make some dumb joke or inappropriate comment?
Sheldon Cooper: No. You're my friend and I'm sorry.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry.
[Pats Leonard on the back]
Leonard Hofstadter: Thanks. Wait, did you just put a 'Kick Me' sign on my back?
Sheldon Cooper: No.
[Rips a paper off Leonard's back]


"The Big Bang Theory: The Thespian Catalyst (#4.14)" (2011)
Penny: Mrs. Cooper? Hey, it's Penny. Yeah, I think I broke your son.
[hands Sheldon the phone]
Penny: Talk to your mother.
Sheldon Cooper: [sobbing] Mommy, I love you! Don't let Spock take me to the future!

Sheldon Cooper: I agreed to speak to you this evening because I was told that you're the best and the brightest of this university's doctoral candidates. Of course, that's like saying you're the most important electron in a hydrogen atom.
[no reaction]
Sheldon Cooper: Because, you see, there's only one electron in a hydrogen atom.
[no reaction]
Sheldon Cooper: Best and brightest, my sweet patootie.

Sheldon Cooper: I didn't wanna teach those poopy heads anyway!
Howard Wolowitz: FYI, I think that's what Darth Vader said just before he started building the Death Star.

Sheldon Cooper: Do you realize that teaching is the first thing I've failed at since my ill-fated attempt to complete a chin-up in March of 1989?

Penny: Cat On A Hot Tin Roof is an American classic.
Sheldon Cooper: So is the McRib sandwich. I don't care for that, either.

[Sheldon is acting out a scene from a play he wrote]
Sheldon Cooper: [as a child] Mommy, why are you crying?
Sheldon Cooper: [as his mother] Because I'm gonna miss you, Shellybean, even though you creep the bejesus out of me.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Launch Acceleration (#5.23)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: Amy has embarked on a campaign to increase my feelings for her, by making me happy.

Howard Wolowitz: Well, that's it. My orders have been rescinded; I am officially no-go to space.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry, Howard. But I gotta tell you, I'm a little relieved you're not going.
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, you were gonna go up in a rocket designed in the 1960s by the Russians.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, so?
Leonard Hofstadter: When was the last time you were at Best Buy and you heard someone say, "Ooh, check out this Blu-Ray player, it must be good, it was built in Russia."?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, their technology isn't that bad.
Raj Koothrappali: When you come back to Earth in a Soyuz capsule, you free fall, from space, at 500 miles per hour, and the only thing that slows you down is a little parachute that pops out right before you crash into the ground. And the whole thing was designed by the same brilliant minds who were unable to capture Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Howard Wolowitz: Right, well, whatever. I wasn't worried.
Raj Koothrappali: You weren't?
Howard Wolowitz: Let me explain the difference between you and me. You watch Star Trek; I live it.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, please, I don't remember the episode of Star Trek where the guy never goes to space, and brags about it in a tuxedo store.
Howard Wolowitz: Make all the jokes you want, but there's only one of us here brave enough to almost do what I almost did.
Sheldon Cooper: Ah, much better!
Leonard Hofstadter: You must be burning up
Sheldon Cooper: A little. But not more than your urethras will be after whatever's in those pants swims up them. Well, I cut quite the dashing yet hygienic figure, don't I? I look like The Flash, about to get married. Oh, a tissue! A tissue! Oh, good Lord!
[Runs outside]
Jimmy: Uh, where is he going?
Leonard Hofstadter: He keeps emergency Purell in the car.

Sheldon Cooper: [exiting change room] I'm going to need a larger shirt! This one's a little tight under the arms.
Jimmy: Okay.
[takes shirt]
Leonard Hofstadter: Do you think maybe it's tight because you're wearing long underwear?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, of course that's why it's tight.
Leonard Hofstadter: All right, let me rephrase the question. Why are you wearing long underwear?
Sheldon Cooper: You're kidding! Shouldn't the question be "Why *aren't* you?"
Leonard Hofstadter: No, it should be "Why are you?"
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, these rental tuxedos have been worn by *hundreds* of sweaty strangers. Yeah, I don't like my own sweat touching my skin; how do you think I feel about theirs?
Jimmy: Why don't you slip this on?
Sheldon Cooper: Said the hangman, offering a noose.
[returns to change room]
Raj Koothrappali: Well, that wasn't as entertaining as when he rents bowling shoes, but it was right up there.

Sheldon Cooper: Can I ask you a question about women?
Leonard Hofstadter: I got you that book last year; wasn't everything in there?
Sheldon Cooper: No. I'm having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares.

[last lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Amy is in a Star Trek tunic holding a medical tricorder near Sheldon] Hello, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you doing?
Amy Farrah Fowler: We're playing doctor... Star Trek style.
[winks]
Sheldon Cooper: I'm in hell, Leonard.
Sheldon Cooper: [to Amy] Don't stop.

Sheldon Cooper: I must say, I was surprised you chose to spend our Date Night in your apartment. As I mentioned, the Pasadena City Council is debating longer crosswalk times, and later the Lego store is having a Midnight Madness Sale. You ask anyone, that's a hot date.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Tempting choices but, I have something special planned for tonight.
Sheldon Cooper: What can be more special than having an adequate amount of time to cross the street on your way to buy a tiny Lego Indiana Jones?
Amy Farrah Fowler: With our friends moving forward in their relationships, I have decided that we should make progress in ours as well.
Sheldon Cooper: Dear Lord! Two years ago we didn't even know each other. And now, I'm in your apartment after dark. How much faster can this thing go?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I had a feeling you'd be reluctant which is why I'm going to dip into my neurobiological bag of tricks.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh! You brain monkeys kill me. Dip away.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I've devised an experiment that I believe will increase your feelings for me, in an accelerated time frame.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, how do you propose to do that? I hope you're not thinking about some sort of LSD thought control. Because there's only one mind-expanding drug that this man enjoys, and that's called school.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Human beings form emotional attachments as they grow up. In your case, to your mother, superheroes, etc. I'm going to attempt an experiment that will get you to transfer those feelings to me.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, seems what's on the menu tonight is malarkey, with a big side of poppycock.
Amy Farrah Fowler: We'll see. Let's start with a little romantic dinner music, shall we?
Sheldon Cooper: Super Mario Bros. theme?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: I see what you're doing. You're attempting to build on the work of Ebbinghaus by triggering an involuntary memory of me playing that game. Admittedly the happiest 600 hours of my childhood. But it won't work!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Fine! There's no reason we still can't have a lovely dinner. Why don't you have a seat.
[Sheldon hums the background music, while Amy smiles]
Amy Farrah Fowler: May I offer you something to drink?
Sheldon Cooper: You know I don't drink.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Not even strawberry Quik?
Sheldon Cooper: I love strawberry Quik. It's my favorite pink fluid. Narrowly beating out Pepto-Bismol.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, I know. I think it will go nicely with what I have prepared for dinner.
Sheldon Cooper: Spaghetti with little pieces of hot dog cut up in it!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Just like your mommy used to make.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh! Yummy yummy! We should do this more often.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Pirate Solution (#3.4)" (2009)
Raj Koothrappali: You want me to work with you.
Sheldon Cooper: For me. You're going to have to listen more carefully when you're on the job.
Raj Koothrappali: Please don't take this the wrong way, but I would rather swim naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple and die a slow, agonizing death from a viral infection than work with you.
Sheldon Cooper: *For* me.

Penny: [to Leonard] Hi, honey.
Howard Wolowitz: So we're honey now?
Sheldon Cooper: Ever since her relationship with Leonard became carnal, she has upgraded her term of endearment to honey, delegating the rest of us as sweetie, usually as a veiled attempt to soften an insult.
Penny: You're boring people, sweetie.
Sheldon Cooper: Although sometimes she omits the veil entirely.

Raj Koothrappali: I've reconsidered your offer to let me work with you.
Sheldon Cooper: *For* me.
Raj Koothrappali: Yes, *for* you. I do however have a few conditions. First, at all times I am to be treated as a colleague and an equal. Second, my contributions shall be noted in all published materials. And third, you are never allowed to lecture me on Hinduism or my Indian culture.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm impressed, Raj. Those are very cogent and reasonable conditions.
Raj Koothrappali: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: I reject them all.

Sheldon Cooper: I took another look at the board, and I realized you were right.
Raj Koothrappali: So you were wrong.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not saying that.
Raj Koothrappali: That's the only logical inference.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm still not saying it.

Sheldon Cooper: Forgive me. You know I am not adept at reading facial cues, but I am going to take a stab here. You are either sad or nauseated.
Raj Koothrappali: I'm sad.
Sheldon Cooper: I was going to say sad! I don't why I hedged.

Leonard Hofstadter: I've always been a little confused about this. Why don't Hindus eat beef?
Raj Koothrappali: We believe cows are gods.
Sheldon Cooper: Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be *like* god.
Raj Koothrappali: Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I'm in, I'll take you out - I swear to cow!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary (#3.5)" (2009)
Sheldon Cooper: bortaS bIr jablu'DI' reH QaQqu' nay!
Wil Wheaton: Did that guy just say "Revenge is a dish best served cold" in Klingon?
Stuart: I believe so.
Wil Wheaton: What is wrong with him?
Stuart: Everyone has a different theory.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon has kind of a photographic memory.
Sheldon Cooper: Photographic is a misnomer; I have an eidetic memory, as I've told you many times, most recently last year during lunch on the afternoon of May 7th. You had turkey and complained it was dry.

Sheldon Cooper: It might also interest you to know that Wil Wheaton currently ranks sixth on my all-time enemies list, right between director Joel Schumacher who nearly destroyed the Batman movie franchise, and Billy Sparks, who lived down the street from me and put dog poo on the handles of my bicycle.

Sheldon Cooper: Wil Wheaton, my old friend. I've chased you 'round the moons of Nibia and 'round the Antares Maelstrom and 'round Perdition's Flames!
Raj Koothrappali: You know, you keep quoting "Wrath of Khan" but he was in "Next Generation?" It's a totally different set of characters.
Sheldon Cooper: Silence!

Sheldon Cooper: I came here to defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who destroyed my dreams. But, I can't defeat Wil Wheaton, the man who loved his mee-maw.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Wheaton! Wheaton! Wheaton!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Indecision Amalgamation (#7.19)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: Quick poll! PS4 or Xbox One? Raj?
Raj Koothrappali: Uh, Xbox One.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny!
Penny: Huh?
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard!
Leonard Hofstadter: PS4.
Sheldon Cooper: Wolowitz!
Howard Wolowitz: They're both great.
Sheldon Cooper: Bernadette!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I like the Wii.
Sheldon Cooper: Thanks, grandma.

Sheldon Cooper: First, there was PS1, then PS2, followed by PS3, and now PS4. Logical, right? But with the XBox, instead of XBox 2, they had XBox 360. And now there's XBox One... Why one? Probably the amount of time it took to come up with the name.

Amy Farrah Fowler: How can you possibly make a decision?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [shouting] Please pass the butter!

Sheldon Cooper: On the one hand, the XBox One has a camera. On the other hand, the PS4 has a removable hard drive. Thoughts?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I can't feel my legs.

Leonard Hofstadter: Oh. How you're audition go?
Penny: I killed it. I was able to cry real tears on the spot.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, that's great.
Penny: Next time I get pulled over for a speeding ticket, here comes the waterworks.
Sheldon Cooper: [Running away] Here comes the waterworks!
Leonard Hofstadter: Aren't you going to ask?
Penny: What? Is this my first day?

Amy Farrah Fowler: How about this. They say if you flip a coin, it shows your true feelings, because you'll either be excited or disappointed by the outcome. So, heads it's an XBox One, tails it's a PS4.
Sheldon Cooper: All right.
[flips coin]
Amy Farrah Fowler: So, what is it?
Sheldon Cooper: A quarter.
[Tosses quarter away]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Could have given it back to me. That was a choice.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Mommy Observation (#7.18)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: I'll condemn you internally, while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.
Mary Cooper: [lovingly] That is very Christian of you.

Sheldon Cooper: I love my mother... even if she fornicates like a demonic weasel.

Sheldon Cooper: I can't wait to see the look on her face. We're leaving right now.
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: Nothing.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon. What's going on?
Sheldon Cooper: I saw my Mommy with a naked man and she's trying to be a Mommy again.

Sheldon Cooper: Mother.
[Knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon Cooper: . Mother.
[Knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon Cooper: . Mother.
[Knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon Cooper: .
Mary Cooper: Shelly. I'm so glad you're here.
Sheldon Cooper: I saw you having naked sex.
Mary Cooper: What are you talking about?
Sheldon Cooper: Earlier I came here to surprise you. I looked in the window and I saw you with a man.
Mary Cooper: Oh, Shelly. I'm so sorry. Come in. Um. Maybe we should sit down and talk about this.
Sheldon Cooper: Can you recommend a surface you haven't had coitus on?
Mary Cooper: That's not funny. Maybe we should sit at the table.

Sheldon Cooper: How long have you been a demented sex pervert?
Mary Cooper: That is no way to speak to your mother.
Sheldon Cooper: Perhaps not. But is a way to speak to a woman who quoted the bible to me my whole life and then desecrated one of Ethan Allan's finest.
Mary Cooper: I will give you one opportunity young man to apologize to me.
Sheldon Cooper: Or what?
Mary Cooper: Or I will send you to your room.
Sheldon Cooper: That is ridiculous. I am a grown man, I am a professional scientist and currently occupy the moral high ground
Mary Cooper: Go to your room.
Sheldon Cooper: But I occupy the moral high ground.
Mary Cooper: Go to your room.
Sheldon Cooper: But I am a professional scientist.
Mary Cooper: Go to your room.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm a grown man.

Sheldon Cooper: I think what bothers me the most is the hypocrisy. Doesn't this contradict all the religious rules you've been expounding your whole life?
Mary Cooper: You're right, it does. And it is something I have been struggling with these days.
Sheldon Cooper: Then why are you doing it?
Mary Cooper: Because I'm not perfect, Shelly, and that man's booty is.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, this is confusing for me. But I don't want to stand in the way of your happiness so I'll condemn you internally while maintaining an outward appearance of acceptance.
Mary Cooper: That is very Christian of you.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Peanut Reaction (#1.16)" (2008)
Sheldon Cooper: We might as well stop. It's a stalemate. You're beating me in "Tetris," but you have the upper strength of a Keebler elf.
Raj Koothrappali: Keebler elf? I've got your Keebler elf right here!
Raj Koothrappali: [grunts; tries to pull harder, with both hands, but Sheldon doesn't budge] Okay, it's a stalemate.

Penny: Okay, here's the deal: you either you help me throw Leonard a birthday party, or so help me, God, I will go into your bedroom, and unbag all of your most valuable, mint-condition comic books and, on one of them, you won't know which, I'll draw a tiny little happy face in ink.
Sheldon Cooper: You can't do that! If you make a mark in a mint comic book, it's no longer mint.
Penny: Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, of course I... Oh... Hey, I have an idea: let's throw Leonard a kick-ass birthday party!

[Penny is trying to convince Sheldon to buy Leonard a gift]
Howard Wolowitz: Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention.
Penny: What?
Howard Wolowitz: Just do it.
Penny: It's - it's a non-optional social convention.
Sheldon Cooper: Ah, fair enough.
Howard Wolowitz: He came with a manual.

Leonard: How did you know my birthday's Saturday?
Penny: I did your horoscope, remember? I was going to do everybody's until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.
Sheldon Cooper: For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who, in 1948, proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments that astrology is nothing but pseudoscientific hokum.
Penny: Blah, blah, blah, a typical Taurus.

Leonard: I don't celebrate my birthday
Penny: Shut up. Yeah, you do.
Leonard: It's no big deal. It's the way I was raised. My parents focused on celebrating achievements and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
Penny: That's so silly.
Sheldon: It's actually based on very sound theories. His mother published a paper on it.
Penny: Well, what was it called? "l Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake"?
Sheldon: It was obviously effective. Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she'd also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.

Sheldon Cooper: The entire institution of gift giving make no sense. Let's say that I go out, and I spend 50 dollars on you, it's a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, where as you know what you need. Now I could simplify things, just give you the 50 dollars directly, and you could give me 50 dollars on my birthday, and so on, until one of us dies, leaving the other one old and 50 dollars richer. And I ask, is it worth it?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Adhesive Duck Deficiency (#3.8)" (2009)
[Sheldon is helping Penny get dressed without looking]
Penny: Now, you gotta help me get my arm into the sleeve.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay.
Penny: Is that my arm?
Sheldon Cooper: It doesn't feel like an arm.
Penny: Then maybe you should let it go.
Sheldon Cooper: [pause] All righty.

Sheldon Cooper: We have to fill these out. "Describe illness or injury."
Penny: I dislocated my shoulder.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. And how did the accident occur?
Penny: You already know that.
Sheldon Cooper: Cause of accident: Lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?
Penny: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Kidney disease?
Penny: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Migraines?
Penny: Getting one.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you currently pregnant?
Penny: No!
Sheldon Cooper: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.
Penny: Change migraine to "yes."
Sheldon Cooper: When was your last menstrual period?
Penny: [in a disgusted tone] Oh, next question.
Sheldon Cooper: I'll put "in progress." Okay, turning to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioral diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety etc.
Penny: Oh my God! What the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?
Sheldon Cooper: Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.
Penny: Ass!
Sheldon Cooper: Possible Tourette's. All right, "moles, lesions, or other skin conditions." Soup tattoo on right buttock.

Sheldon Cooper: [over the phone] And good evening to you, Siam Palace. This is Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I'm going to be dining alone this evening, so I'll be reducing my usual order. I'd like to start with one quarter of the assorted appetizers plate, and one half of the Golden Treasure for two...
Sheldon Cooper: [pauses and listens for a second] Oh for heaven's sake. In the mid 18th century, King Rama the Fourth of Siam divided a huge empire amongst the colonial powers of Europe in order to preserve his throne. Surely you, his cultural descendant, can handle Pad Thai and dumplings!

Sheldon Cooper: Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger-side mirror?
Penny: It's right there.
Sheldon Cooper: Where is the passenger-side mirror?
Penny: In a parking lot in Hollywood.

Sheldon Cooper: While we have a moment, may I ask you a question?
Penny: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock?
Penny: It's not 'soup', it's 'courage'.
Sheldon Cooper: No it isn't. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.
Penny: How'd you see it? You said you wouldn't look.
Sheldon Cooper: Sorry. As I told you, the hero always peeks.

Penny: Sing Soft Kitty to me.
Sheldon Cooper: Soft Kitty is for when you're sick. You're not sick.
Penny: Injured and drugged is a kind of sick.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Table Polarization (#7.16)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: Amy? Amy? Amy? I'll get right to the point. I think we need to end this relationship - so just sign this with your finger and please don't cry on my iPad because I don't get Apple Care.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm not surprised you want to end the relationship. I'm just a little surprised you didn't get Apple Care. Anyway, enjoy your life. Where do I sign?
Sheldon Cooper: At the bottom. I must say I'm relieved you're not making more of a scene out of this.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, I've already moved on. Besides the breakup has nothing to do with me.
Sheldon Cooper: What. It doesn't?
Amy Farrah Fowler: OF course not. This is just Leonard trying to take the focus off that dreadful table by sowing discord in our relationship. He's manipulating you like he always does.
Sheldon Cooper: Wait. Wait. Now hang on. You think he's manipulating me?
Amy Farrah Fowler: All the time. And he knew that as your girlfriend, I wasn't gonna to stand by and let him bring a table into your apartment. I mean a table? Come on.
Sheldon Cooper: It is hideous.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, thankfully, I won't have to see it 'cause I won't be your girlfriend anymore.
[Signs]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Amy Farah Fowler. Why yes, I would like to take a survey.
Sheldon Cooper: Wait. You were really gonna stand by me against the dining room table?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Of course I was.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, wait. I do I know you're not manipulating me right now?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I would think that if I'm manipulating you, you'd be smart enough to see it.
Sheldon Cooper: How do I know you're not saying that as part of the manipulation?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I think you're smart enough to see that too.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay. I'm sorry i gave you such a hard time. I just had to be sure.
[Amy turns away and smiles]

Leonard Hofstadter: This spot that no one else can sit in only exists because despite your objections I bought this couch. Me. So explain why that change is bad and this change was good.
Sheldon Cooper: Um.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You don't need to explain yourself to him.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't need to explain myself to you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You're sick of his nonsense and ready to move in with me.
Sheldon Cooper: Keep the table. We don't use that space.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Damn it, I got cocky.

Sheldon Cooper: Think of me as Arthur Dent In Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy lying in front of the bulldozers protecting his home.
Leonard Hofstadter: If you recall, the Vogon Fleet blew up the earth anyway.
Sheldon Cooper: It's a made up story, Leonard. I don't even know why you're talking about it.

Penny: Hi. Sorry I'm late. I was at an audition.
Howard Wolowitz: Ahh.
Sheldon Cooper: You'll get 'em next time.
Penny: How about instead of assuming I failed, you ask me how it went?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry. How did it go?
Penny: Shut up.

Sheldon Cooper: OK. I think we found the problem here. It's not the table at all. It's you.
Penny: Me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well. It's always me. Take one for the team.
Sheldon Cooper: I have spent years turning this lump of clay into an acceptable conduit for my will and then you came along and reshaped him with your newfangled ideas and your fancy genitals.
Penny: Are you gonna let him talk to me like this?
Leonard Hofstadter: "Fancy" sounds like a compliment.
Penny: OK, I have not tried to change Leonard. That is just happens in relationships. Look how much Amy has changed you.
Sheldon Cooper: That's not true.
Penny: Oh sweetie. When I first met you were incapable of touching another human being. Now you're holding holds, going on dates, you even made out with her on a train.
Leonard Hofstadter: She told you?
Penny: Of courses she told me. It's the most interesting thing that happened to her entire life.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're too close to it, but Amy has had a huge impact on you.
Sheldon Cooper: You're right. Without realizing I allowed that woman to alter my personality.
Leonard Hofstadter: Mmm. You didn't have a personality; you just had some shows you liked.
Sheldon Cooper: No. No, I've changed. Like the frog that's put in a pot of water that's heated so gradually he doesn't realize he's boiling to death.
Penny: Or you're the frog that's been kiss by the princess and turned into a prince.
Leonard Hofstadter: Or you're just a tall annoying frog.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me. I have to break up with my girlfriend.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon. Wait.
Sheldon Cooper: No. You've opened my eyes to the truth. Amy has made me a more affectionate open-minded person. And that stops now.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, we should call her.
Penny: Yeah. Amy. It's Penny. Hey. Just a little heads up. Leonard bought a dining room table. Yeah. Sheldon's breaking up with you.

Sheldon Cooper: Well. Is this really worth it? We've lived together for years with nary an argument.
Leonard Hofstadter: Huh?
Sheldon Cooper: But we start talking about a table and suddenly we're at each other's throats.
Leonard Hofstadter: Nary an argument"? "Nary"?
Sheldon Cooper: Well that means "not on" or "not any". Maybe instead of a table you should buy a dictionary. Well, I don't know if I won that, but at least he's upset.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Zazzy Substitution (#4.3)" (2010)
Penny: Hey Look, it's Shamy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Shamy?
Sheldon Cooper: Juvenile amalgamation of our names. Sheldon, Amy. Shamy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh. I don't like that. Don't do that.
Penny: [laughing nervously] All righty. What's new?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, just recently I learned that you refer to us as Shamy, and I don't like that.
Penny: I got that. What I was going for was, you know, how is your life?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Just like everyone else's. Subject to entropy, decay, and eventual death. Thank you for asking.

Amy Farrah Fowler: In a world where rhinoceroses are domesticated pets, who wins the Second World War?
Sheldon Cooper: Uganda.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Defend.
Sheldon Cooper: Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Correct. My turn.
Sheldon Cooper: In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play the "Maple Leaf Rag"?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Tuned bayonets.
Sheldon Cooper: Defend.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Isn't it obvious?
Sheldon Cooper: You're right. My apologies.
Leonard Hofstadter: What the hell are you guys playing?

Sheldon Cooper: In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh... a BLT where the B stands for beaver? I don't know.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, be serious. We're playing a game here.
Leonard Hofstadter: I can figure this out, let's see. Um... well, beavers eat tree bark. The only tree bark I know that humans consume is cinnamon, so I'll say cinnamon.
Sheldon Cooper: Incorrect. Obviously, the answer is cheese Danish.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Amy Farrah Fowler: In a world ruled by a giant beaver, mankind builds many dams to please the beaver overlord. The low-lying city of Copenhagen is flooded, thousands die. Devastated, the Danes never invent their namesake pastry. How does one miss that?

Leonard Hofstadter: Cats, Sheldon. You're clearly upset about Amy being gone, and you're trying to replace her with a bunch of cats.
Sheldon Cooper: Clowder.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, yeah, fine.
Sheldon Cooper: It's the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one.

Mary Cooper: Yeah, I get it. You got a lot of cats and you gave 'em cute Jewish names.
Sheldon Cooper: What are you doing here?
Mary Cooper: Leonard called, and he said that you were pining for a young lady.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that's preposterous. I'm not pining over anyone.
Mary Cooper: Oh, lamb chop, we can quibble what to call it, but I think we can both agree it's creepy.

Mary Cooper: Sheldon, sit down. Let's talk.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. But you're not fooling me. Whenever you say we have to talk it means you want me to listen.
Mary Cooper: Then stop talking.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes ma'am.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Love Car Displacement (#4.13)" (2011)
Penny: You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept: "Don't piss off the people who handle the things you eat."
Amy Farrah Fowler: That does seem to be a valid principle.
Sheldon Cooper: I trust Penny will adhere to the official California Restaurant Workers' Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't believe there's any such thing.
Sheldon Cooper: [Incredulous, to Leonard] You lied to me?

Sheldon Cooper: Remember, people, we're only as strong as our weakest bladder.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm Dr. Sheldon Cooper, B.S., M.S., MA, Ph.D., and Sc.D. OMG, right?

Sheldon Cooper: [turns on the light] Please tell me you're not having coitus.
Penny: We are not having coitus.
Sheldon Cooper: And you can guarantee that it won't happen at any time during the night?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: No.

Sheldon Cooper: Howard is a complete and total ass, Bernadette is in Penny's bed, Amy bites, and Penny may or may not have coitus with Leonard.


"The Big Bang Theory: The 43 Peculiarity (#6.8)" (2012)
[Howard and Raj watch the video of Sheldon in the room]
Sheldon Cooper: This is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Experimental log. Wormhole generator test forty-four.
Howard Wolowitz: Wormhole generator test?
[Wormhole appears]
Sheldon Cooper: The first forty-three parallel universes I've checked proved to be empty. I see no reason to suspect universe number forty-four will be any different.
[Puts his head in the wormhole; when he takes it out he has an alien creature attached to his face]
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, my God!
Raj Koothrappali: Holy crap!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh! It's eating my face!
Raj Koothrappali: It's eating his face!
[Sheldon sneaks in from behind them and throw the fake alien creature onto their laptop; Howard and Raj freak out]

Howard Wolowitz: We're going to the genetics lab to pet the glow-in-the-dark bunny. Want to come?
Sheldon Cooper: No, thanks.
Raj Koothrappali: When they turn off the lights, it's like a little laser show that poops all over the place.

Sheldon Cooper: You may not realize it, but I have difficulty navigating through certain aspects of daily life: understanding sarcasm, feigning interest in others, not talking about trains as much as I'd want to. It's exhausting! Which is why, for 20 minutes a day, I like to go down to that room, turn my mind off and do what I need to do to recharge.
Howard Wolowitz: But what do you do in there?
Raj Koothrappali: What does 43 mean?
Sheldon Cooper: You don't need to know. You don't deserve to know. And you will never know.
[Leaves]
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah? Well, I know how to make your egg salad now!

[Opening lines]
Raj Koothrappali: What are you drawing over there?
Sheldon Cooper: A containment unit for a frisbee-sized wormhole that could serve as a portal to a parallel universe.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, you silly doodlebug.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, scientists believe that contact with other lifeforms would not be good for us.
Sheldon Cooper: It's a frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard. I can just cover it with a frisbee. Here.
[Hands napkin to Howard]
Howard Wolowitz: You expect me to build this?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I expect you to wipe the pudding off your chin. Gentlemen?

Leonard Hofstadter: I'll be right back.
Sheldon Cooper: You're still here? I thought you were long gone.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Tangible Affection Proof (#6.16)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: My socks are on, let's knock 'em off.

Alex Jensen: Ah, Alex, excellent. I have a research problem that I believe you can help with.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Dr. Cooper, thank you. I've been waiting for an opportunity to contribute to your scientific work.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no, no. That's not going to happen, no. What I need you to do is find a Valentine's gift for my girlfriend.
Alex Jensen: You realize I passed up an opportunity to work at Fermilab to take this job with you.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I guess those chaps'll have to have someone else buy their girlfriends' presents. Now, here is, let's see, this is... this is about two thousand dollars. Um, I think she likes monkeys and the color grey.
[Alex leaves]
Sheldon Cooper: Contribute to my work. Ah, kids say the darnedest things.

Amy Farrah Fowler: And I appreciate your effort, but upon contemplation, I decided I was being selfish. So, I cancelled our dinner reservations and came up with an even better way to celebrate Valentine's Day.
Sheldon Cooper: What is that?
Amy Farrah Fowler: By doing none of it. No dinner, no romance, no gifts. We stay here, order a pizza and watch one of your beloved Star War Trek things.
Sheldon Cooper: Really?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, that's what you'd love, isn't it?
Sheldon Cooper: More than anything.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, then, that's what we're going to do.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I don't know what to say. This is the most thoughtful gift that anyone's ever given me. And that's including an amazing gift that I gave myself earlier today.
Amy Farrah Fowler: 'm your girlfriend. That's my job. And I know gift-giving puts a lot of pressure on you, so whatever you got me, you can return.
Sheldon Cooper: No. No, after everything you didn't do for me tonight, I want you to have it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What's this?
Sheldon Cooper: Read it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon Cooper, Caltech University employee information?
Sheldon Cooper: At the bottom.
Amy Farrah Fowler: In case of emergency, please contact... Amy Farrah Fowler. And there's my phone number. This is the most beautiful gift you could've ever given me.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I thought, if I have a stroke or a kidney stone, who would I want to share that with?
Amy Farrah Fowler: And you picked me.
Sheldon Cooper: It's like you said, you're my girlfriend.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, Sheldon.
[Hugs him]
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah. Okay. Stop ruining Valentine's Day and order my pizza.

Sheldon Cooper: Well, in conclusion, I believe the painful sensation felt after passing a meal of spicy chilies is proof that the rectum does possess the sense of taste.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I concur, but you changed the subject. What are we doing for Valentine's Day?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, you got that, didja?

Alex Jensen: Well, um, I know she loves playing the harp, so I found this
[pulls out harp-shaped music box]
Alex Jensen: beautiful music box that plays one of her favorite songs.
Sheldon Cooper: Now, Amy already has a real harp, and it can play any song. What are you trying to pull here?
Alex Jensen: Well, I just thought it would be...
Sheldon Cooper: [sounding like a game-show buzzer] Nexxxt!
Alex Jensen: OK, um, I know she's a fan of the Canterbury Tales,
Sheldon Cooper: Mmmm.
Alex Jensen: so I found this cool map that illustrates the characters' journey through England. I thought we could put it in a really nice frame.
Sheldon Cooper: But she's got Google Maps on her phone.
Alex Jensen: I don't know how to respond to that.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I hope it's with a third good option, because these first two - Bleah...
Alex Jensen: OK. Well, uh, luckily, I saved the best for last. Since Amy's a neuroscientist, I did some research and found out that Santiago Ramón y Cajal, the father of modern neuroscience, did lots of hand drawings of brain cells, and I managed to find this signed print.
Sheldon Cooper: Wow. Oh, this is truly remarkable.
Alex Jensen: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: I think I'll keep it for myself.
Alex Jensen: What about your girlfriend?
Sheldon Cooper: It's too late, I called dibs.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Spoiler Alert Segmentation (#6.15)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: [knock-knock-knock] Good buddy Leonard.
[knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Good buddy Leonard.
[knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Good buddy Leonard.

Amy Farrah Fowler: So, what's your plan moving forward?
Sheldon Cooper: I suppose I'll have to find and cultivate a new roommate. What a task that will be. Do you know how uncivilized Leonard was when I took him in?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No.
Sheldon Cooper: It took me forever to get him on a bathroom schedule. He would go whenever the mood struck him.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Like a dog boy.
Sheldon Cooper: Exactly.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What if you could find a roommate who was a scientist and already familiar and comfortable with your ways?
Sheldon Cooper: That would be ideal. If a person like that existed I would sign on no further questions asked.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Great! Here I am!
Sheldon Cooper: Wait. Here who is where?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Me. Aren't I your perfect roommate?
Sheldon Cooper: Um.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Think about it, Sheldon. I'm not a stranger. We're intellectually compatible. I'm willing to chauffeur you around town. And your personality quirks which others find abhorrent or rave inducing I find cute as a button. What do you think?
Sheldon Cooper: Um.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Tell me one reason that this isn't a fantastic idea.
Sheldon Cooper: Um.
Amy Farrah Fowler: See, you can't. I'm going to see if Leonard's room is big enough for my water bed.
Sheldon Cooper: Um.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know why I avoided the Harry Potter books for so long; these are great. Just started number six.
Sheldon Cooper: That's a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one.
[Leonard stares at him, dumbfounded]
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, I know; I didn't see it coming either.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why would you say that?
Sheldon Cooper: You brought up the subject; I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It's called the art of conversation. 'Kay, your turn.
Leonard Hofstadter: That was a huge spoiler.
[throws the book aside]
Sheldon Cooper: Good.
Leonard Hofstadter: What is wrong with you? If I did that you'd bitch about it for weeks.
Sheldon Cooper: Really, Leonard, are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?
Leonard Hofstadter: Hissy fit? *I* have hissy fits?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.
Leonard Hofstadter: You are unbelievable! I don't know why I put up with you. You know, you're controlling, you're irritating...
Sheldon Cooper: There you go again! Nag, nag, nag! You're only proving my point, little lady.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know what? Screw you, Sheldon! You are the most annoying person I ever met.
Sheldon Cooper: Wha- I'm annoying? You criticize my behavior all the time. "Sheldon, don't talk about your bowel movements over breakfast." "Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don't yawn and point at your watch." "Sheldon, don't throw away my shirts cause you think they're ugly." You're impossible.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's it. I don't. I don't have to put up with this.
Sheldon Cooper: Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do.
Leonard Hofstadter: Aaaw, here's what I think of your roommate agreement!
[he throws it in the waste-paper basket]
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon gasps] You pick that up right now.
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: You- Roommate agreement, section twenty-seven, paragraph five: "The roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground."
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't care. I don't have to do anything you say because... I don't think I want to live here any more.
Sheldon Cooper: Where are you going?
Leonard Hofstadter: To live with Penny, and not you, you crazy bastard.

Sheldon Cooper: You can't live here.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What? Why? Is it the message? I only used urban slang to sound tough so people wouldn't break in.
Sheldon Cooper: It's not the message.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What is it then? I did everything just the way you like it.
Sheldon Cooper: You did.
Amy Farrah Fowler: THEN WHAT THE HELL SHELDON? We have been going out for over two years and I have been nothing but patient with you. I watch your dopey space movies. I signed your ridiculous contract. I even stopped wearing lip gloss because you said it made my mouth look too slippery. I am the best girlfriend you're ever going to have. Just give me one good reason why I can't live here.
Sheldon Cooper: It's Penny's fault.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What?
Sheldon Cooper: She doesn't want to live with Leonard so he has to live here again. She's the snake in our garden. She's the reason we can't be happy.

Amy Farrah Fowler: You're a coward!
Sheldon Cooper: Well, the evidence does seem to support that.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Grasshopper Experiment (#1.8)" (2007)
Leonard: Okay, now do you really need the Honorary Justice League of America membership card?
Sheldon: It's been in every wallet I've owned since I was five.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: It says, "Keep this on your person at all times". It's right here under Batman's signature.

Penny: Sheldon, what are you going to have?
Sheldon: I'll have a Diet Coke.
Penny: Okay, can you please order a cocktail? I need to practice mixing drinks.
Sheldon: Fine. I'll have a virgin Cuba Libre.
Penny: That's, um, Rum and Coke without the Rum.
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: So, Coke.
Sheldon: Yes... And would you make it Diet?
Penny: There's a can in the fridge.
Sheldon: A Cuba Libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.
Penny: Then swim to Cuba.
Sheldon: Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.

Sheldon: [on the phone] This is Doctor Sheldon Cooper. Yeah, I need to cancel my membership to the Planetarium... Well I'm sorry too, but there's just no room for you in my wallet... Yeah, I understand, but it was between you and the Museum of Natural History, and frankly, you don't have dinosaurs... Well I'll miss you too. Bye bye.

Howard Wolowitz: I bet they love "Scrubs".
Sheldon: What's there not to love.

Penny: I need some guinea pigs.
Sheldon: O-kay, there's a lab animal supply company in Reseda you could try. But if your research is going to have human applications, may I suggest white mice instead; their brain chemistry is far closer to ours.
Penny: I swear to God, Sheldon, one day I'm going to get the hang of talking to you.
Leonard: His mom's been saying that for years.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Pork Chop Indeterminacy (#1.15)" (2008)
[Sheldon's hot twin sister, Missy, is in town for a wedding]
Leonard Hofstadter: If the wedding's not until tomorrow, why don't you stay with us tonight?
Missy: Oh, I don't think so. Shelly doesn't like company. Even as a little boy, he'd send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day.
Sheldon Cooper: They were not "friends". They were imaginary colleagues.

Penny: Sheldon, why are you ignoring your sister?
Sheldon: I'm not ignoring my sister. I'm ignoring all of you.

Howard Wolowitz: Is is because I'm Jewish? Because I would kill my rabbi with a pork chop to get Missy.
Sheldon Cooper: It has nothing to do with religion. It has to do with the fact that you're a tiny man who lives with his mother.

Raj Koothrappali: Everyone knows genetic diversity produces the strongest offspring. Why not put a little mocha in your latte?
Sheldon Cooper: That is true, but consider the fact that you require medication to even talk to someone of the opposite sex.

Sheldon Cooper: If anyone is to get at Missy's Fallopian tubes, they have to get through me.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Decoupling Fluctuation (#6.2)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: If you're going to replace Wolowitz I need to know a little more about you.
Stuart: Alright.
Sheldon Cooper: Wolowitz went to MIT. What's your educational background?
Stuart: I went to art school.
Sheldon Cooper: Equally ridiculous, let's go.

Sheldon Cooper: There's something I need to tell you.
Leonard Hofstadter: 'Kay.
Sheldon Cooper: I can't tell you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: I can't tell you why I can't tell you. So I guess there's two things I can't tell you.
Leonard Hofstadter: I wish there were more.

Penny: What are you doing in my bedroom?
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn't hear it.
Penny: How did you even get in, you weirdo?
Sheldon Cooper: Really? I've seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it it's weird?

Sheldon Cooper: Penny.
Penny: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Please don't hurt my friend.
Penny: That is the last thing I want to do.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you.

Sheldon Cooper: [at Leonard's bedroom door]
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard!
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard!
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard!
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Are you sleeping?
Leonard Hofstadter: I was. Now I'm having a nightmare.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Maternal Capacitance (#2.15)" (2009)
[Leonard's mother Beverly, a neuroscientist and psychoanalyst, is visiting]
Sheldon Cooper: Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful - and I'm betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn't eat your Brussels sprouts.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, you don't give your mother enough credit. She's warm, she's loving, she doesn't glue electrodes to your head to measure your brain waves while potty training.
Sheldon Cooper: You were lucky! When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my *own* electrodes.

Sheldon Cooper: I feel very comfortable around you.
Beverly: I feel very comfortable around you, too.
Sheldon Cooper: It's surprising because I generally don't feel comfortable around - well, anyone.
Beverly: Nor I.
Sheldon Cooper: What are the odds that two individuals as unique as ourselves would be connected by someone as comparatively workaday as your son?
Beverly: Is that a rhetorical point, or would you like to do the math?
Sheldon Cooper: I'd like to do the math.
Beverly: I'd like that, too.

Sheldon Cooper: So what do you think?
Beverly: I'm very tempted. I'm just not sure it's appropriate with my son's roommate.
Sheldon Cooper: Normally, I'd feel the same way, but based on everything I've observed about us, I can't help but speculate we'd be very good together.
Beverly: True. I've had a similar observation. Certainly something I could never do with my husband.
Sheldon Cooper: I was hesitant the first time I tried it, but I experienced an unanticipated and remarkable release of endorphins. It's quite satisfying.
Beverly: I see what you're doing. You're appealing to the neuro-scientific researcher in me.
Sheldon Cooper: You see right through me, don't you?
Beverly: Only when you're in a cat scanner.
[both laugh, Beverly snorts]
Beverly: [later]
[Sheldon and Beverly are dual singing "Any Way You Want It" on Rock Band 2]

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I had no idea your siblings were so much more successful than you.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, you're like the Jar-Jar Binks of the Hofstadter family.
Howard Wolowitz: [Imitating Jar-jar] Oh, meesa think yousa lookin' so-so sad.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, rather than mock me, my friends might realize that this is difficult and try to help me through it.
Raj Koothrappali: Nope, I think mocking you is more fun.
Howard Wolowitz: [imitating JarJar Binks] Next time, don't yousa bring momma to work, Okee-day?
[Raj and Howard laugh]
Leonard Hofstadter: [Leonard's mother comes back] That was fast.
Beverly: Oh, the middle stall was occupied, I'll have to try again later.
Sheldon Cooper: It's totally understandable. In bladder voiding as in real estate, it's location, location, location.
Beverly: So where were we?
Leonard Hofstadter: [to his mother] Howard lives with his mother, and Raj can't speak to women unless he's drunk. Go!
Beverly: Well, that's fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common it borders on sociological cliché.
Howard Wolowitz: It's just temporary, I pay rent.
Leonard Hofstadter: He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
Beverly: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Howard Wolowitz: Say what?
[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard Wolowitz: That's basically what I just said!
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Raj] You brought your husband to work, you know the rules.
[imitating JarJar Binks]
Leonard Hofstadter: Meesa thinkin' yousa lookin' pretty sad now too, betcha betcha.

Sheldon Cooper: Can I make you a cup of tea?
Beverly: I doubt it! But if anyone has a chance, it's probably you.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Gorilla Dissolution (#7.23)" (2014)
Raj Koothrappali: Aren't you going to get 3-D glasses?
Sheldon Cooper: I brought my own. No sense risking bridge-of-nose herpes.
Raj Koothrappali: Is that a thing?
Sheldon Cooper: Until they make a nose condom, I'm not going to find out.

Penny: There's no reason why I shouldn't be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla that anyone has ever seen.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know. The bisexual killer gorilla go-go dancer in "Schindler's List" is tough to beat.
Sheldon Cooper: It's funny, because a killer gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual orientation would be out of place in a movie about the Holocaust.
Leonard Hofstadter: It only gets funnier when you explain it.
Sheldon Cooper: I know.

Sheldon Cooper: I know let's go see the new Spiderman movie.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, we're talking about your friend's mother. She got hurt.
Sheldon Cooper: I thought that subject had run its course so I changed it. It's called reading the room, Amy.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry. I don't have all the ingredients to make chai tea.
Raj Koothrappali: You don't have to make me anything.
Sheldon Cooper: No, I do. You're upset about Emily and you're Indian. I need to make you chai tea. I have all the ingredients except cardamom seeds. You happen to have any on you?
Raj Koothrappali: Sorry, I left them in my turban.

Sheldon Cooper: Well, good night.
Raj Koothrappali: Don't send me home. I can't be alone right now.
Sheldon Cooper: That's your problem. You can't be alone.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Prestidigitation Approximation (#4.18)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: Apparently you can't hack into a government super computer and the try to buy uranium without the department of homeland security tattling to your mother.

Sheldon Cooper: [Scoffing at Penny] Not knowing is part of the fun! What is that the motto of your community college?

Sheldon: This deck is rigged in some fashion
Howard Wolowitz: Fine then get another deck and I'll do the trick with that
Sheldon: So you're saying this is a regulation deck?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm saying believe in magic you muggle!

Leonard Hofstadter: What's up with the infrared cameras?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards to determine which ones have been touched. By the way, if you hope to have children, I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm.

Sheldon Cooper: Howard, if I may interject here with a piece of friendly advice. Is working on magic tricks really how you want to spend your time? Granted, you're just an engineer, but that doesn't mean you might not someday build a geegaw or a thingamabob that may get you a thank you in someone else's Nobel prize acceptance speech.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Beta Test Initiation (#5.14)" (2012)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I'm Doctor Sheldon Cooper, and welcome to the premiere episode of Sheldon Cooper Presents Fun with Flags. Over the next fifty-two weeks, you and I are going to explore the dynamic world of vexillology.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hang on, Doctor C, what's vexillology?
Sheldon Cooper: Vexillology is the study of flags.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Cool! I think I just learned something.
Sheldon Cooper: Did you have fun doing it?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'll say!
Sheldon Cooper: Fun and information are two sides to this video podcast. Not unlike the only two-sided state flag. Oregon.
[holds up flag]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, look.
[turns flag around]
Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Mister Beaver. In future episodes we'll answer some burning questions. What's the only non-rectangular flag? What animal appears most often on flags? What animal appears second most often on flags? And more.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sweet!
Sheldon Cooper: Why are you waving a white flag?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm surrendering... to fun!

Sheldon Cooper: Flags. You got to know how to hold them. You got to know how to fold them.

Amy Farrah Fowler: You OK?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I'm a little rattled. But like the flag over Fort Sumter, I'm still here.

Sheldon Cooper: Here's an interesting fact about flags.
Raj Koothrappali: I will take that action.
Sheldon Cooper: The flags of Liechtenstein and Haiti were identical by coincidence; a fact that wasn't discovered until they competed against each other at the 1936 Olympics. And thankfully their embarrassment was overshadowed by the rise of fascism.

Amy Farrah Fowler: For someone who has a machine that can travel anywhere in time and space, Doctor Who sure does have a thing for modern-day London.
Sheldon Cooper: Careful. It's that kinda sass that can get a person uninvited to this year's Who Con.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Scavenger Vortex (#7.3)" (2013)
[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: So. Couldn't help but notice. None of you RSVP'd to my murder mystery dinner party.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh yeah. We were meaning to do that.
Raj Koothrappali: No you weren't, because it was a week ago and nobody came! So if you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with the weapon of indifference, it was all of you.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't think that qualifies as a mystery. We all knew what we were doing.
Amy Farrah Fowler: We're sorry, Rajesh.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe we can do it next week.
Howard Wolowitz: Whoa, whoa, not that sorry.
Raj Koothrappali: Don't worry, I can take a hint. No more murder mystery parties.
Sheldon Cooper: Great.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
Howard Wolowitz: Hallelujah.
Raj Koothrappali: Because I've got something better planned!
Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Amy Farrah Fowler: Aaw.
Sheldon Cooper: Come on.
Raj Koothrappali: Just hear me out. I'm going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I loved those. I did them every year there.
Leonard Hofstadter: We did them at Princeton too.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that's cute. Like it's a real college.
Sheldon Cooper: Amusing. I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Scavenger hunts at Harvard we're really tough. I always got stuck on the first challenge; trying to find someone to be on a team with me.
[laughs]
Amy Farrah Fowler: I guess that story's more sad than funny.

Raj Koothrappali: OK, guys, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Should we just do couples?
Leonard Hofstadter: Couples sounds great, or we could mix things up. Maybe pick names out of a hat; whatever.
Penny: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don't you just admit you don't want to be on a team with me?
Leonard Hofstadter: I just said couples sound great.
Penny: Hm-mm. Yeah. You don't think I'm smart enough. You just think I'm going to be a liability. Even though I totally just used liability correctly in a sentence.
[Amy nods at her]
Leonard Hofstadter: So, let's do couples. I want to.
Penny: No, no, no. Let's mix things up. I choose Sheldon; we're going to kick your ass.
Sheldon Cooper: Really? The only time I'm ever picked first for a team, and I'm stuck with the liability.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Stop that. Penny is not a liability.
Penny: Thank you. Do you want to be on my team?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe we pick names out of a hat?

Penny: [after Sheldon explains how he came to the solution of the riddle] Wow. I can drink a beer under water.
Sheldon Cooper: And I'm sure your parents are proud.

Sheldon Cooper: Okay. Another thirty feet...
Penny: Oh, it's a bowling alley!
Sheldon Cooper: [picks up his bowling ball] Yes! Yes! My brain is better than everybody's!

Sheldon Cooper: Hey, look. I won.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Countdown Reflection (#5.24)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: Boldly go, Howard Wolowitz.

Howard Wolowitz: We have the where and the when, but we still need to figure out who's going to do the ceremony.
Penny: That's easy. Anyone can go online and get ordained as a minister. I know a piercing parlor where for a hundred bucks they'll marry you and stick a wedding ring through any body part you want.
Howard Wolowitz: Great. Well, who's it gonna be?
Sheldon Cooper: I'll do it. Provided I can perform the ceremony in Klingon.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No.
Sheldon Cooper: What do you see in her?

Raj Koothrappali: Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.
Mrs. Wolowitz: LOUDER!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: They all got ordained. They're all marrying us. It's adorable. If you want to hear it, come closer.
Raj Koothrappali: Guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills... my heart... it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.
Penny: Okay, I'll, I'll go. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hmm.
Penny: Problem?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.
Penny: Oh, grow up.
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't say it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: That's enough from the both of you.
Penny: Well, he started it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I'm ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also want you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience, and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.
Sheldon Cooper: Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette.
[Klingon]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!
Sheldon Cooper: Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may *you* find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.
Raj Koothrappali: I believe you two have prepared vows.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.
Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.
Mrs. Wolowitz: SPEAK UP!
Sheldon Cooper: From now on she's the only woman whho can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now, I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.
Raj Koothrappali, Penny, Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Amy Farrah Fowler: By the power vested in us by the state of California...
[Sheldon only]
Raj Koothrappali, Penny, Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Amy Farrah Fowler: and the Klingon High Council... we now pronounce you husband and wife.

Sheldon Cooper: Remarkable. In just under a half hour, two hundred metric tons of fuel will ignite in a controlled explosion right beneath Howard's keister. And all from a country whose entire contribution to the global economy has been Tetris and mail-order brides.

Sheldon Cooper: Thank you for the invitation, but I have to decline because it doesn't sound like something I'll enjoy.
Leonard Hofstadter: C'mon, Sheldon, it'll be fun.
Sheldon Cooper: That's what you said about the Green Lantern movie. You were a hundred and fourteen minutes of wrong.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Date Night Variable (#6.1)" (2012)
Raj Koothrappali: Isn't this romantic?
Sheldon Cooper: I hope that's a rhetorical question, because I don't know.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Did I ever tell you that you look like a sexy praying mantis?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, every time you drink alcohol.
Amy Farrah Fowler: The fascinating thing about praying mantis, they eat their mate.
Sheldon Cooper: So?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Undoes the top button of her blouse] Dessert is served.
Sheldon Cooper: I just had cobbler.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Buttons back up] That's it. I'm done. I'm leaving.
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, don't go. I need you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You do?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course. You're my ride.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, either you say something meaningful and from the heart, or you and I are through.
Sheldon Cooper: Very well. Amy, when I look at your eyes and you're looking back in mine, everything feels not quite normal. Because I feel stronger and weaker at the same time. I feel excited, and at the same time, terrified. The truth is, I don't know what I feel, except I know what kind of man I want to be.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, that was beautiful.
Sheldon Cooper: I should hope so. It's from the first Spider-Man movie.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'll take it.

Stuart: So, Howard's really in space?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yup, in the International Space Station. 2700 miles that way.
Raj Koothrappali: Right now he might be looking down on us like a tiny Jewish Greek god. Zeusowitz.
Sheldon Cooper: I must admit I do feel a tinge of envy. Howard is looking out at the majesty of the universe passing before his eyes. His dim, uncomprehending eyes. Like a cat in an airport carrying case.

Sheldon Cooper: Whatever it is, his life will never be the same.
[Cut to International Space Station]
Mrs. Wolowitz: [shouting through the phone] Howard! Can you hear me?
Howard Wolowitz: I can hear you without the telephone!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Hook-up Reverberation (#8.4)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, but you tell me a dinosaur chicken salad sandwich wouldn't hit the Mesozoic spot.

Sheldon Cooper: I miss Stuart's place. All this loud music and exposed brick. What, is this a comic book store or a rave at the third little pig's house.

Penny: I hear you're a dermatologist.
Emily Sweeney: Uh, yeah. I'm a resident at Huntington Hospital.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh I like their emergency room. Even if it turns out you don't have dengue fever, they still let you take home a lollipop.

Sheldon Cooper: I have some odd freckles on my buttocks. Can I make an an appointment for you to look at them?
Emily Sweeney: Um, OK. I guess.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm with him three years, nothing. She's with him two minutes and he's taking his pants off.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Cohabitation Formulation (#4.16)" (2011)
Priya Koothrappali: So, Penny, Leonard tells me you're an actress. That must be pretty exciting.
Penny: Oh, yeah, yes, real great. Today I drove to Van Nuys for an audition I thought was going to be for a cat-food commercial. It turned out to be porn.
Sheldon Cooper: Did you get the part?
Penny: I didn't do the audition!
Sheldon Cooper: Given the state of your career, can you really afford to be picky?

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, social protocol states when a friend is upset, you offer them a hot beverage, such as tea.
Howard Wolowitz: Tea does sound nice.
Sheldon Cooper: You heard the man, Leonard. And while you're at it, I'm upset that we have an unannounced house guest, so make me cocoa.

Priya Koothrappali: Rajesh, Leonard and I have decided to see each other again, and you don't get to tell me who I can or can't have a relationship with.
Sheldon Cooper: Actually, he can. The Hindu code of Manu is very clear in these matters. If a woman's father is not around, the duty of controlling her base desires falls to the closest male member of her family, in this case, Raj. The code also states that if she disobeys, she will be reborn in the womb of a jackal and tormented by diseases. If true, that seems like an awfully large gamble, given that the prize is Leonard.

Sheldon Cooper: Priya, if you're experiencing any tension or awkwardness, it may stem from the fact that Leonard and Penny used to, if I may quote Howard, "do the dance with no pants."


"The Big Bang Theory: The Higgs Boson Observation (#6.3)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: [about his toilet training journal] There's a chart in the back describing shape, color and consistency.
Penny: Disgusting!
Leonard Hofstadter: No, what's disgusting is that he's still keeping track.

Penny: Maybe I can do it.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, really? You think you can evaluate my work?
Penny: Uh-huh.
Sheldon Cooper: Here. I wrote this when I was five.
Penny: "A Proof That Algebraic Topology Can Never Have a Non-Self Contradictory Set of Albelion Groups." I'm just a blonde monkey to you, aren't I?
Sheldon Cooper: You said it, not me.

Sheldon Cooper: Save all chatting for your break, and FYI, there will be no breaks.

Raj Koothrappali: So, did Alex say anything about me?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. I believe her exact words were "What is that guy's problem?"
Raj Koothrappali: I'm in her head. Let the dance begin.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Holographic Excitation (#6.5)" (2012)
Raj Koothrappali: For the photo booth, we could go with a creepy theme, or we could also get the TARDIS from Dr. Who.
Sheldon Cooper: The TARDIS is a time machine from a sci-fi show, it has nothing to do with Halloween. That being said, if you don't get a TARDIS, then you stink and your party stinks.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm Raggedy Ann, and he's Raggedy C-3PO.
Sheldon Cooper: We compromised. I lost.

Sheldon Cooper: Raggedy Ann and Andy stand for three things I don't care for: clowns, children and raggediness.

Sheldon Cooper: It's fascinating. Let me see if I can duplicate the result. Howard, I've always thought the lemon was an underrated fruit. Care to weigh in?
Howard Wolowitz: Not really.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, well.
Howard Wolowitz: You know, people say the Soyuz capsule was a lemon. But, hey, that baby got me to space and back.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Wildebeest Implementation (#4.22)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: I must say, Leonard, ever since you've been having regular intercouse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.
Leonard Hofstadter: Excuse me, but Einstein had a very busy sex life.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces. If he hadn't been such a hound dog, we'd all have time machines.

Raj Koothrappali: [Considering taking anti-anxiety medicine] As a scientist, thinking is my bread and butter. I'm afraid if I take these I might lose that unique, special something that has made me so successful in my field.
Sheldon Cooper: Rajesh, I've had the privilege of working alongside you for many years. My advice to you is that you gobble these up like Tic-Tacs.

Sheldon Cooper: I don't know what color lonely is.
Raj Koothrappali: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Red is angry, yellow is frightened, green is jealous, and blue is depressed. Perhaps we can assign a color to lonely.
Raj Koothrappali: Nothing rhymes with orange. It's probably lonely.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. Come in. You positively orange with loneliness.
[Raj enters the apartment]
Sheldon Cooper: No, I don't see that catching on at all.

Raj Koothrappali: Thank you for coming with me, Sheldon. You're a good friend.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm glad you think so. That's what I strive to emulate.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Convention Conundrum (#7.14)" (2014)
James Earl Jones: [looks up from his menu to see Sheldon standing there] Let me guess: you like Star Wars.
Sheldon Cooper: [nods]
James Earl Jones: You know I've been in other movies.
Sheldon Cooper: [nods again]
James Earl Jones: But you don't care about those, do you?
Sheldon Cooper: [shakes his head]
James Earl Jones: [motions Sheldon closer] I have one thing to say to people like you: I like Star Wars too! Care to join me?
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you! My friend Leonard said if I bothered you while you were eating, you'd think I was a creepy stalker.
James Earl Jones: Well, your friend Leonard sounds like a real weenie!
Sheldon Cooper: He is, Mr. Earl Jones, he is!

Sheldon Cooper: [on top of the Santa Monica Ferris wheel] Hey, Los Angeles! I'm on a Ferris wheel with Darth Vader! And he's nicer than you'd think!
James Earl Jones: I am!

Sheldon Cooper: [sneaking up to a house] I don't understand what we're doing.
James Earl Jones: Shhhh!
Sheldon Cooper: Whose house is this?
James Earl Jones: Carrie Fisher. And she's a little crazy, so get ready to run.
[he rings the doorbell, and they run for it]
Carrie Fisher: [storms out with a baseball bat] It's not funny anymore, James!
James Earl Jones: Then why am I laughing?

James Earl Jones: [in a steam room] What were you trying to ask me at the strip club?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh. "How much does it cost to get them off my lap?"
James Earl Jones: No, something about a convention.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, right! Well, my friends and I couldn't get into Comic-Con this year, and I was trying to start my own convention, and I was going to ask if you would be a panelist.
James Earl Jones: Why don't you and your friends come to Comic-Con with me?
Sheldon Cooper: Really?
James Earl Jones: Of course. And San Diego is right across the border from my favorite city on Earth, Tijuana, where I'm taking you every night!
Sheldon Cooper: Ay-yi-yi.
James Earl Jones: Ay-yi-yi-bang-bang!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Middle Earth Paradigm (#1.6)" (2007)
Sheldon: I'm confused. If there's no costume parade, what are we doing here?
Leonard: We're socializing. Meeting new people...
Sheldon: Telepathically?

Leonard: Why don't you just tell people you're a zebra?
Sheldon: Why don't you just tell people you're one of the seven dwarves?
Leonard: Because I'm Frodo!
Sheldon: Yes... Well... I'm the doppler effect!

Sheldon: Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own... language if you will.
Leonard: Go on.
Sheldon: Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group With the greeting: "How wasted am I?" which is met with an approving chorus of: "Dude!"
Leonard: Then what happens?
Sheldon: That's as far as I've gotten.

[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: OK, if no-one else will say it, I will. We really suck at paint-ball.
Howard Wolowitz: That was absolutely humiliating.
Leonard: Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, but you don't have to lose to Kyle Bernstein's Bar-Mitzvah party.
Leonard: I think we have to acknowledge those were some fairly savage preadolescent Jews.
Sheldon: No, we were annihilated by our own incompetent and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command.
Leonard: Sheldon, let it go!
Sheldon: No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back.
Howard Wolowitz: I shot you for good reason. You were leading us into disaster.
Sheldon: I was giving clear, concise orders.
Leonard: You hid behind a tree yelling: "Get the kid in the yarmulke; get the kid in the yarmulke!"


"The Big Bang Theory: The Bus Pants Utilization (#4.12)" (2011)
[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: [on cellphone] Ma, ma, calm dow- listen to me! I know it says click with the mouse, but on a laptop the trackpad is the mouse. Now put your finger on it.
Howard Wolowitz: Doesn't matter which finger.
Howard Wolowitz: Good choice. Now move it down to your e-mail icon.
Howard Wolowitz: The little envelope.
Howard Wolowitz: What do you mean what does it look like? It looks like an envelope!
Howard Wolowitz: Fine, you don't like the computer, don't use it!
Howard Wolowitz: Sure. We can exchange it for a salad spinner. Good-bye.
Raj Koothrappali: That's a Hanukkah present you're regretting, huh?
Sheldon Cooper: I won't say that all senior citizens who can't master technology should be publicly flogged. But, if we made an example of one or two it might give the others incentive to try harder.

Leonard Hofstadter: You know how we're always having to stop and solve differential equations, like when you're doing Fourier analysis or using the Schrödinger equation?
Sheldon Cooper: Howard doesn't, he's only an engineer.

Sheldon Cooper: You know, Leonard, that's actually a valid idea. Very good.
Leonard Hofstadter: Can you say that and not make it sound like I'm a cat who learned how to use the toilet?
Sheldon Cooper: No. The two achievements are equally surprising and equally admirable. Though if pressed, I'd have to give a slight edge to the cat.

Sheldon Cooper: I suppose I'll go put on my bus pants.
Leonard Hofstadter: What the hell are bus pants?
Sheldon Cooper: They are pants one wears over one's regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Fish Guts Displacement (#6.10)" (2012)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Is anyone else troubled by the Spiderman theme song?
Leonard Hofstadter: Why would it trouble you? It's like your third favorite cartoon theme song.
Sheldon Cooper: It is. It's right behind
[sings]
Sheldon Cooper: "Doo doo doo dod-doo, Inspecor gadget" and
[sings]
Sheldon Cooper: "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes on a half shell."
Sheldon Cooper, Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz, Raj Koothrappali: Turtle power!

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon. This isn't helping. Why don't you just let me get some rest?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, how can you sleep? I'm not done making you feel better. I still have to put a cold rag on your head, sing to you, and apply Vaporub to your chest.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Y-You- You want to rub something on my chest?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. All over it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [coughs] Maybe we should start with that.
Sheldon Cooper: Now you're being a responsible patient. Now, you may notice some tingling.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, I'm counting on it.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I think I'm too sick to go to the funeral.
Sheldon Cooper: You're sick? You poor kid. Well, see ya.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon. Aren't you going to take care of me?
Sheldon Cooper: Me? No. No, I'm not that kind of doctor.
Amy Farrah Fowler: But our relationship agreement clearly states that when one of us is sick, the other must take care of them.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh. I see the confusion. No, the intent behind that clause was to force you to take care of me when I'm ill. When you're feeling better, you'll think that's funny.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm going to draw you a soothing bath. Where's your bath thermometer?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't have a bath thermometer.
Sheldon Cooper: Fine. Then I'm going to draw you a nerve-wracking bath of indeterminate temperature.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Parking Spot Escalation (#6.9)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: Revenge is a dish best served nude.

Sheldon Cooper: I don't want another parking space. I want my parking space. It's perfect. It's a corner spot, cutting the risk of door-dings in half. It's a mere 28 steps from the building entrance. The nearby tree provides shade on hot days and is also home to a delightful squirrel. Which is fortuitous because most squirrels are real jerks.

Sheldon Cooper: Well, Howard, thank you. It's quite a gesture on your part. You've shown yourself to be the bigger man.
Howard Wolowitz: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: Which I find totally unacceptable. I must be the bigger man. Therefore, you may use my spot until such time as I learn to drive or get a Batmobile.
Howard Wolowitz: Wow, okay. Well, thanks. I don't know what to say.
Sheldon Cooper: There is nothing to say. Except I'm the bigger man. I'm not kidding. Say it.
Raj Koothrappali: Just say it.
Howard Wolowitz: You're the bigger man, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, stop. And I believe this is yours. FYI, if you wear that into a bank, they will tackle you to the ground.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Stag Convergence (#5.22)" (2012)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: [laughs] I wish you could all be inside my head. The conversation is sparkling!

Sheldon Cooper: Howard, you are a good friend and I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga! I don't!
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Double-Bazinga! I do!

Leonard Hofstadter: [surprised] Are you drinking whiskey?
Sheldon Cooper: Indeed. If I am to participate in the social convention that is the stag night, then I must embrace all its components, including tobacco, swear-words and, yes, alcohol.
[he takes a drink]
Sheldon Cooper: Jeepers, that's yucky!
Leonard Hofstadter: Whoa. It's a little early to start dropping j-bombs, don't you think?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Irish Pub Formulation (#4.6)" (2010)
[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Can I have a snow cone?
Sheldon Cooper: Sure.
Leonard Hofstadter: This is pretty good. What flavor is this?
Sheldon Cooper: Guess.
Leonard Hofstadter: Papaya?
Sheldon Cooper: No.
Leonard Hofstadter: Guava?
Sheldon Cooper: You're so close.
Leonard Hofstadter: I give up.
Sheldon Cooper: Mango caterpillar.
[Leonard does a spit take and throws the snow cone in the garbage]
Sheldon Cooper: What are you doing!
[Leonard storms out]
Sheldon Cooper: You said you liked it.

Sheldon Cooper: [Describing the fake alibi he has invented for Leonard] You met her at Pasadena's most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin's, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and heart full of dreams.
[Hands Leonard a bar napkin]
Leonard Hofstadter: [Reading handwriting on napkin] "Leonard, call me if you're interested in *coitus.* Sincerely, Maggie Mcgarry."
Sheldon Cooper: And if anyone were to actually call that number, they will hear this.
[plays recording]
Female text-to-speech electronic voice: Top of the morning to you. You've reached Maggie McGarry. Leave a message at the wee little beep.

Sheldon Cooper: The fun starts with brunch at Carney's in Studio City, a hot dog stand in a converted railroad dining car. Next stop, Travel Town, an outdoor museum featuring 43 railroad engines, cars and other rolling stock from the 1880s to the 1930s. Finally, we're off to the glitz and glamour of Hollywood for dinner at, that's right, the Hollywood Carney's, a hot dog stand in a different converted railroad dining car.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Vengeance Formulation (#3.9)" (2009)
[Penny enters]
Penny: Hi, guys.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
Penny: Yo, Raj, talk to me!
[very long pause]
Penny: Nah, I'm sorry. Just screwin' with you.

Sheldon Cooper: [about being on NPR] My mother is very excited. She's convening her Bible study group to listen in and then pray for my soul.

Raj Koothrappali: Is that the president of the university?
Leonard Hofstadter: And the board of directors! Abort, abort!
Sheldon Cooper: There is no abort.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why not?
Sheldon Cooper: I made a boo-boo, okay.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Skank Reflex Analysis (#5.1)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: For the record, I do have genitals. They're functional and aesthetically pleasing.

Sheldon Cooper: Geology isn't a real science!

Sheldon Cooper: I've decided my rank will be captain. If it's good enough for Kirk, Crunch and Kangaroo, it's good enough for me.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Vartabedian Conundrum (#2.10)" (2008)
[first lines]
Stephanie Barnett: I don't see anything at all, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Fuuh! You're the doctor, but I'm constantly hearing this annoying sound.
Leonard Hofstadter: Me, too.
Sheldon Cooper: Is it a high-frequency whistle?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, it's more of a relentless narcissistic drone.
Stephanie Barnett: Yep, there's no inflammation at all, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Then it must be a tumor.

Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe it's'a residual bacterial infection from getting toilet swirlies.
Sheldon Cooper: It is possible. I got a lot of those. Even at church.
Stephanie Barnett: If it's from a swirlie, I have something for that. Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you've got a cootie shot.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: [speaking via a computer] We are out of herbal tea. Do you have any?
Penny: Hold on, I'll go check.
Sheldon Cooper: Some hiney would be nice.
[Sheldon realizes his mistake right away]
Penny: [offended] Hiney?
Sheldon Cooper: [retypes] Honey.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Pulled Groin Extrapolation (#5.3)" (2011)
Penny: [about Leonard] So handsome! Like James Bond.
Sheldon Cooper: Better than James Bond, because he's tinier.

Leonard Hofstadter: [sarcastically] You sound like you had a great night.
Sheldon Cooper: I did! How was yours?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
Sheldon Cooper: What exactly do you mean by that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin is a little worse for wear.
[Sheldon hits Leonard in the shoulder with his model train]
Leonard Hofstadter: OW! Why did you do that?
Sheldon Cooper: To send you a message. She is not for you!
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: NOT FOR YOU!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Itchy Brain Simulation (#7.8)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: And second, you completely disregard how uncomfortable unresolved issues are for me. It-it's like a, an itch in my brain I can't scratch.

Leonard Hofstadter: Why isn't this bothering you? Isn't your brain getting itchy? This is on your card. This could be ruining your credit score. Why isn't this making you crazy?
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard. I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, what?
Sheldon Cooper: Seven years ago I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: I was going to mention it at the time, but then I thought someday this might be a teachable moment.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ahhh! I... You... Ah... WHAT?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, that was diabolical.
Sheldon Cooper: I know. And it wasn't easy. Do you have any idea what it's like to wait for years and never know if your going to finally get satisfaction?
[Amy just stares]


"The Big Bang Theory: The Locomotion Interruption (#8.1)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me. Is it at all possible That you're knitting a pair of pants?

Sheldon Cooper: You know, Sherlock Holmes liked to use cocaine to sharpen his focus. But I'm sure those Cool Ranch Doritos do the trick.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh. Leonard. Oh. I'm so happy to see you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you okay?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh. I'm fine. Why did you come?
Amy Farrah Fowler: What do you mean why did I come? You're my boyfriend. I haven't seen you in over a month. I just drove six hours to help you out. Don't you have anything to say besides, "Why did you come?"
Sheldon Cooper: I do, but... I feel uncomfortable saying it out loud in front of these police officers.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Fine. Whisper it.
Sheldon Cooper: Shotgun!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Junior Professor Solution (#8.2)" (2014)
Howard Wolowitz: Engineers are just as smart as physicists.
Sheldon Cooper: [offended gasp] You take that back!

Leonard Hofstadter: Why are you going to so much trouble to prove you're smarter than Wolowitz?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, it's no trouble. It's actually a pleasure.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Bakersfield Expedition (#6.13)" (2013)
[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, will you steam my uniform next?
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, uh, interesting. Do you recall this conversation? "Leonard, want to go halvesies on a steamer?" "No, Sheldon we don't need a steamer." Looks like that rumpled chicken's come home to roost.
Penny: Hi, here are the makeup sponges you asked for.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, thanks; I thought I had more.
Penny: Damn, you've got more makeup than I do. You got better makeup than I do. Yeah, I'm borrowing this.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, this is my Comic-Con makeup. I love you, but there are some things a man doesn't share with his girlfriend.
Sheldon Cooper: That's a wise policy. I once borrowed my sister's makeup for a costume contest, got a terrible case of pinkeye. Yeah, but luckily I was going as a zombie; I won second place.
Penny: I feel like you guys just went to Comic-Con.
Leonard Hofstadter: That was San Diego Comic-Con; this is Bakersfield Comic-Con.
Penny: Is that better?
Leonard Hofstadter: Mm, it's a lot smaller. It's more about the comics books, the way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood.
Sheldon Cooper: So to answer your question, no, it's not better.
Penny: Well then why are you going?
Sheldon Cooper: It's a comic book convention. Like pizza or particle accelerators even the stinky ones, still pretty good.


"Family Guy: Business Guy (#8.9)" (2009)
Sheldon Cooper: I'll have you know that I can bench press over 690 billion nano-grams.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, that's less than two pounds.
Sheldon Cooper: Sounded better the way I said it.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Expedition Approximation (#8.6)" (2014)
Penny: You guys are gonna go work in a mine?
Sheldon Cooper: Why not?
Penny: You had a panic attack when we went through the car wash!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Santa Simulation (#6.11)" (2012)
Penny: Hey guys. I don't mean to interrupt your little game, but I thought you'd like to see what you're missing out on. So, Bernadette.
[Bernadette sashay's into the room]
Penny: Bernadette's wearing leopard print pumps and a raptastic red dress from Forever 21.
[Bernadette exits and Amy strides in]
Penny: And there's Amy, showing all kinds of ankle. In an outfit I'm assuming is from Forever 63.
[Penny removes her coat]
Penny: And I myself am wearing a little number that got me out of two speeding tickets and jury duty.
Sheldon Cooper: I know they're making a rhetorical point; I just don't know what it is.