Tugg Speedman
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Quotes for
Tugg Speedman (Character)
from Tropic Thunder (2008)

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Tropic Thunder (2008)
Tugg Speedman: There were times while I was playing Jack where I felt...
[pause]
Tugg Speedman: ...retarded. Like, really retarded.
Kirk Lazarus: Damn!
Tugg Speedman: In a weird way I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that is was ok to be stupid or dumb.
Kirk Lazarus: To be a moron.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah!
Kirk Lazarus: To be moronical.
Tugg Speedman: Exactly, to be a moron.
Kirk Lazarus: An imbecile.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah!
Kirk Lazarus: Like the dumbest mother fucker that ever lived.
Tugg Speedman: [pause] When I was playing the character.

Tugg Speedman: [as Simple Jack] Goodbye mama, now you can have ice cream in heavan! I'll see you again tonight when I go to bed in my head movies. But this head movie makes my eyes rain!

Kevin Sandusky: Tugg. Tugger. You're the last piece of the puzzle buddy. We need you! Your men need you. Are you with us?
Tugg Speedman: [pause] I'm a rooster illusion.
Kevin Sandusky: Fuck it. We'll deal with him later.

Tugg Speedman: This is insane. Are you really going to abandon this movie? We're supposed to be a unit!
Kirk Lazarus: Suck my unit.

[Tugg has just killed a panda]
Tugg Speedman: I killed one, Rick... the thing I love most in the world.
Rick Peck: A hooker. Oh Jesus, you killed a hooker!

Tugg Speedman: [the boy hands him a box, he removes the cloth from the box and looks inside] A little twig-man oscar. I'm going to call you half-squat, and you can call me... papa

Tugg Speedman: [as Simple Jack] You make my pee-pee maker t-t-tingle.

Tyra Banks: You have no real family, you're on the wrong side of 40, you're childless and alone. Somebody close to you said: "One more flop, and it's over."
Tugg Speedman: [pause] Somebody said they were close to me?

Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never go full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho'. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, "Being There." Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, "I Am Sam." Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed...

Tugg Speedman: [as Simple Jack] You m-m-m-mmm-m-make me happy.

Kirk Lazarus: Action Jackson can't cry, that's what's going down.
Tugg Speedman: You know what Kirk, I'm ready to do the scene!
Kirk Lazarus: What scene? The scene is about emotionality. Where is it? Now it's time to flip the script! We'll get to Chinese New Year waitin' for my man to cry.

Tugg Speedman: Now, let's go get those Viet Congs.
[cocks his gun]
Alpa Chino: "Viet Cong!"
Tugg Speedman: What?
Alpa Chino: It's "viet cong." There's no "s," it's already plural. You wouldn't say "Chineses..."

Tugg Speedman: The dudes are emerging...
Kirk Lazarus: [in black voice] He's right, you know? I'm NOT Sergeant Lincoln Osiris...
[rips off fake hair to reveal blonde hair]
Kirk Lazarus: [in Irish accent while taking fake sideburns off] ... nor am I Father O'Mallie...
Kirk Lazarus: [in low growl voice, while removing fake beard] ... or Neil Armstrong...
[Removes contact lenses to reveal blue eyes underneath]
Kirk Lazarus: [in natural Australian accent] I... I think I might be nobody.
Kevin Sandusky: Wow! The insecurity level with you guys is ridiculous!

Tugg Speedman: I have a son now. Little Half Squat.
Kirk Lazarus: Who in crikey fuck is Half Squat?

Tugg Speedman: You tell the world what happened here.
Kirk Lazarus: What happened here?
Tugg Speedman: I don't know, but you need to tell them.
[Tugg turns around and walks back over the bridge]
Jeff Portnoy: Where is he going? We're gonna fucking die!
Four Leaf Tayback: Laz, come on! He joined the circus. Let's go!
Kirk Lazarus: You've got hands? Fuck, you've got hands?

Kirk Lazarus: I know who I am! I'm a dude playing a dude disgused as another dude!
Kevin Sandusky: What?
Kirk Lazarus: You're a dude that don't know what dude he is!
Tugg Speedman: Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is...
Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck are you guys talking about?
Tugg Speedman: - by playing other dudes?

Tugg Speedman: My son gave this to me.
Kirk Lazarus: That's your stick buddy?
Tugg Speedman: His name is Twiggman.
Kirk Lazarus: Does he want to come with us?

Rick Peck: How's the adoption thing going?
Tugg Speedman: Not good.
Rick Peck: At least you get to choose yours. I'm stuck with mine.

Tugg Speedman: I have a son now. Little Half-Squat
Kirk Lazarus: Who in crikey fuck is "Half-Squat"?

Kirk Lazarus: Yo asshole, this muthafucka's dead ain't no Chris Angel Mind Freak, David Blaine trap door, horseshit jumpin' off here.
Tugg Speedman: Hey, you wanna get on the train here or you wanna ruin another take, huh?
Kirk Lazarus: Ain't no goddamn takes, ain't no goddamn motion picture!
Tugg Speedman: Are you sure?
Kirk Lazarus: Oh yea.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah?
Kirk Lazarus: For certain man.
Tugg Speedman: Then why are you still in character? Hm?
Kirk Lazarus: [pause] I know but I don't have to tell you...
Tugg Speedman: You don't know.
Kirk Lazarus: Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary.

Kirk Lazarus: You gonna focus up now, motherfucker and say it! "It's me, Tugg!"
Tugg Speedman: It's Me Tugg.
Kirk Lazarus: That's right! Now, Tugg who?
Tugg Speedman: Tugg who? I don't know. Who are you?
Kirk Lazarus: Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude.
Kevin Sandusky: What?
Kirk Lazarus: You a dude that don't know what dude he is!
Tugg Speedman: Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is...
Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck are you guys talking about?
Tugg Speedman: ...by playing other dudes.
Kirk Lazarus: I know what dude I am!
Tugg Speedman: You're scared.
Kirk Lazarus: I ain't scared. Scared of what?
Tugg Speedman: Or scared of who?
Kirk Lazarus: Scared of who!
Kevin Sandusky: Come on guys. We really need to go!
Tugg Speedman: Scared of you!

Kirk Lazarus: How's it goin' with that map, Chief?
Tugg Speedman: Huh?
Kirk Lazarus: Can I have a look at it?
Tugg Speedman: I got it. Yeah. Damien gave it to me, remember?
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah, but he gave it to you for us.
Tugg Speedman: Uh-Huh. Yeah.
Kirk Lazarus: Okay.
Tugg Speedman: I got it.
Kirk Lazarus: You got it upside down.
Tugg Speedman: Thank you.
Kirk Lazarus: Letters go one way and the numbers another. I'm just. Dude, I'm tryin'. I got your back man.
Tugg Speedman: Well I-I'm cool, alright?
Kirk Lazarus: You are cool?
Tugg Speedman: Yeah, but...
Kirk Lazarus: Is your character dyslectic?
Tugg Speedman: No, the character is not dyslec...
Kirk Lazarus: So you a cartographer!

Tugg Speedman: That's the trailer right there.

Kirk Lazarus: Hey, man, you know how in Rambo I, he was big but a little puffy, and then Rambo II, he got all shredded up?
Tugg Speedman: Yeah.
Kirk Lazarus: That's kind of how you look right now.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah?
Kirk Lazarus: Not Rambo I but II.
Tugg Speedman: Really?
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah, when he was cut up.
Tugg Speedman: I'm not that... I mean, that's what I'm going for, but you know...
Kirk Lazarus: Come on, dude. You more shredded than a julienne salad, man.
Tugg Speedman: Thanks.
Kirk Lazarus: What's the secret, dude?
Tugg Speedman: It's a diet. I'm just dieting.
Kirk Lazarus: Really? Cause I'm trying to come up a little, but it's just... It's tough.
Tugg Speedman: You look good.
Kirk Lazarus: Any tips?
Tugg Speedman: What?
Kirk Lazarus: Any tips, you got?
Tugg Speedman: There's, like, the pineapple...
Kirk Lazarus: - Give me that goddamn map!
[Snatches map from Tugg Speedman]
Kirk Lazarus: Fuck you!
Tugg Speedman: Hey!
Kirk Lazarus: Hey!

Tugg Speedman: Look, Kirk, no offense. I know you're the big, fancy actor here, but I've done a lot more effect-driven films than you have and I think I can spot...
[Picks up Damien's severed head]
Tugg Speedman: a prop head when I see one!
[People around him gag]
Tugg Speedman: It's corn syrup, guys! Corn syrup and latex.
[Digs his fingers inside the head and gets a taste; gets disgusted look on his face]
Tugg Speedman: Warm... blood-flavored corn syrup.

Tugg Speedman: Tell the world what happened here.
Kirk Lazarus: What happened here?

Kirk Lazarus: [about Damian] Hey asshole. This motherfucker's dead. Ain't no Chriss Angel Mindfreak David Blaine Trapdoor shit jumping off here
Tugg Speedman: Hey, You wanna get in line or do you want blow another take.
Kirk Lazarus: Ain't no takes. Ain't no goddamn motion picture
Tugg Speedman: Are you sure?
Kirk Lazarus: Oh yeah

Tugg Speedman: Wait, what?
Kirk Lazarus: Are you serious, you don't know? Man, everyone knows you never go full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man - looks retarded, acts retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cars, autistic, sho', not retarded. You got Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump - slow yes, retarded maybe, but he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping pong competition, that ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, Being There - infatile yes, retarded no. You went full retard, man... Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, I Am Sam - went full retard, went home empty handed.