Kirk Lazarus
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Quotes for
Kirk Lazarus (Character)
from Tropic Thunder (2008)

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Tropic Thunder (2008)
Kirk Lazarus: I don't read the script. The script reads me.

Kirk Lazarus: [to Tugg Speedman] What do you mean, "you people?"
Alpa Chino: [stares at Lazarus, and then gets angry] What do *you* mean, "you people?"
Kirk Lazarus: Huh?

Tugg Speedman: There were times while I was playing Jack where I felt...
[pause]
Tugg Speedman: ...retarded. Like, really retarded.
Kirk Lazarus: Damn!
Tugg Speedman: In a weird way I had to sort of just free myself up to believe that is was ok to be stupid or dumb.
Kirk Lazarus: To be a moron.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah!
Kirk Lazarus: To be moronical.
Tugg Speedman: Exactly, to be a moron.
Kirk Lazarus: An imbecile.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah!
Kirk Lazarus: Like the dumbest mother fucker that ever lived.
Tugg Speedman: [pause] When I was playing the character.

Kirk Lazarus: Cover me, limp dick fuck-ups!

Tugg Speedman: This is insane. Are you really going to abandon this movie? We're supposed to be a unit!
Kirk Lazarus: Suck my unit.

Kirk Lazarus: Same thing happened to me when I played Neil Armstrong in Moonshot. They found me in an alley in Burbank trying to re-enter the earth's atmosphere in an old refrigerator box.

Kirk Lazarus: I'm just like a little boy, playin' with his dick when he's nervous.

Alpa Chino: That's the theme song for the Jeffersons!
Kirk Lazarus: Man, just cause it's a theme song don't make it not true.

Kirk Lazarus: Everybody knows you never go full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, 'Rain Man,' look retarded, act retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cards. Autistic, sho'. Not retarded. You know Tom Hanks, 'Forrest Gump.' Slow, yes. Retarded, maybe. Braces on his legs. But he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping-pong competition. That ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, "Being There." Infantile, yes. Retarded, no. You went full retard, man. Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, "I Am Sam." Remember? Went full retard, went home empty handed...

Alpa Chino: No, I always wanted to. I guess I just never had the courage to ask. It's complicated.
Kirk Lazarus: Nah! It's simple as pie man: you plant your feet on the ground, you look her square in the eyes you say "Hey! baby, you and me's goin' on a date, that's the end of the story". What's her name?
Alpa Chino: ...Lance
Kirk Lazarus: You say 'Listen here, Lance'... Lance? What the fuck did I just hear? Lance?
Kevin Sandusky: Did you just say Lance?
Alpa Chino: No! I said Nance. That's what I said, Nance.
Kevin Sandusky: It sounded like Lance.
Alpa Chino: Dammit, I'm Alpa Chino! 'I Love Tha Pussy', aight? Lay yo ass back down and look at the stars.
Kirk Lazarus: When you wrote 'I Love Tha Pussy', was you thinking about danglin your dice on Lance's forehead?

Kirk Lazarus: Yo asshole! This muthafucka's dead. Ain't no Chris Angel Mindfreak, David Blane trapdoor horse shit jumpin' off here!

Kirk Lazarus: I know who I am. I'm the dude playin' the dude, disguised as another dude!

Kirk Lazarus: Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary.

Kirk Lazarus: You more shredded than a Julienne salad, man.

Kevin Sandusky: There's no way we make it over that ridge before sundown.
Kirk Lazarus: All right fellas, we're gonna make camp, rest up. Y'all might be in for a treat. You know back before the war broke out I was a saucier in San Antone. I bet I could collar up some of them greens, yeah, some crawfish out the paddy, yo'! Ha! I'm makin' some crabapples for dessert now, yo! Hell yeah, ha!
Alpa Chino: [mocking Kirk] Hell yeah! Ha! That's how we all talk? We all talk like dis, "suh"? Yes suh, ha! Yeah mmm-hmm get some crawfish, and some ribs, ha! Ye-aah. You're Australian! Be Australian! Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack!
[hops away like a kangaroo]
Kirk Lazarus: [confused] I get excited about my foods, man.

Kirk Lazarus: Action Jackson can't cry, that's what's going down.
Tugg Speedman: You know what Kirk, I'm ready to do the scene!
Kirk Lazarus: What scene? The scene is about emotionality. Where is it? Now it's time to flip the script! We'll get to Chinese New Year waitin' for my man to cry.

Alpa Chino: [why he's in the movie] I had to represent. Cause they had one good role for a black man, and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee!
Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid, that man's a national treasure.

Kirk Lazarus: Alpa and I are already wearin' Earth Mamma's natural night camo.
Alpa Chino: Cool it, Benson!

Alpa Chino: [watching Tugg reenact Simple Jack] Damn. And I thought the movie was bad.
Kirk Lazarus: Well to the man's credit, he has eased up on the retard throttle.

Kirk Lazarus: Stop tailgatin' me, ya pasty teabag! I'm goin' potty. Wanna hold my dick?

Kirk Lazarus: [to Tugg] We're tired of being your trail donkeys! Wandering around the jungle like you some kinda one man GPS! We lost man! We fucking lost!
Kirk Lazarus: [to Kevin] Tell him McKlutsky! Tell him what time it is!

Jeff Portnoy: So, what's the plan, man? You gonna talk Vietnamese to those dudes?
Kirk Lazarus: No, no. Mandarin Chinese. What I can tell, it's what they're speaking down there.
Jeff Portnoy: How the hell do you know Chinese?
Kirk Lazarus: Land of Silk and Money with Gong Li. Second Globe, third Oscar. I prepped for that one by working in a Beijing textile factory for eight months.

Kirk Lazarus: Let's make lemonade.

Tugg Speedman: The dudes are emerging...
Kirk Lazarus: [in black voice] He's right, you know? I'm NOT Sergeant Lincoln Osiris...
[rips off fake hair to reveal blonde hair]
Kirk Lazarus: [in Irish accent while taking fake sideburns off] ... nor am I Father O'Mallie...
Kirk Lazarus: [in low growl voice, while removing fake beard] ... or Neil Armstrong...
[Removes contact lenses to reveal blue eyes underneath]
Kirk Lazarus: [in natural Australian accent] I... I think I might be nobody.
Kevin Sandusky: Wow! The insecurity level with you guys is ridiculous!

[as Father O'Mallie from the "Satan's Alley" trailer]
Kirk Lazarus: I've been a bad boy, father.

Alpa Chino: Yeah... but those dudes was trained soldiers.
Kirk Lazarus: [cocks unloaded pistol] Yeah! And we trained actors, mothafucka! Time to man up. And I ain't gonna sugarcoat. Some of us might not even make it back.
Jeff Portnoy: What do you mean? Like, not on the same flight?

Tugg Speedman: I have a son now. Little Half Squat.
Kirk Lazarus: Who in crikey fuck is Half Squat?

Alpa Chino: And why am I in this movie? Maybe I just knew I had to represent, because they had one good part in it for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee.
Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid. That man is a national treasure.
Alpa Chino: I just wanted to throw another shrimp on your Barbie.
Kirk Lazarus: That shit ain't funny.
Kevin Sandusky: Hey, fellas! It's hot! We're tired! It stinks!
Alpa Chino: I'm just fucking with you, Kangaroo Jack! I'm sorry a dingo ate your baby.
Kirk Lazarus: You know that's a true story? Lady lost her kid.

Alpa Chino: [slaps Lazarus] Told you I'd tag you back.
Kirk Lazarus: Can I tell you I'm sorry for any offense I might've caused, man? I just got caught up in bein'...
Alpa Chino: In bein' a dumbass?
Kirk Lazarus: I guess so.
Alpa Chino: Why you still doin' the chicken-George shit? I have no idea.
Kirk Lazarus: Neither do I.
Alpa Chino: It's beyond me.
Kirk Lazarus: It's beyond me.
Alpa Chino: You confused.
Kirk Lazarus: I am a little confused.
Alpa Chino: I know.
Kirk Lazarus: [after a long pause] But are we cool?
Alpa Chino: Not really.

Tran - Flaming Dragon Compound: Where is your farm...
[points a gun at Lazarus]
Tran - Flaming Dragon Compound: ...AMERICAN?
Kirk Lazarus: My farm? Here's my mothafuckin' farm!
[pulls out guns and starts firing and whooping]
Kirk Lazarus: Kwan lo! I'm a lead farmer!

Alpa Chino: And why am I in this movie? Maybe it's because I just knew I had to represent, because they had one good part in here for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee!
Kirk Lazarus: Pump your brakes, kid. That man's a national treasure.
Alpa Chino: I just wanted to thrown another shrimp on your barbie!
Kirk Lazarus: That shit ain't funny.
Kevin Sandusky: Hey, fellas... it's hot! We're tired! It stinks!
Alpa Chino: I ain't fuckin' with you, Kangaroo Jack. I'm sorry the dingo ate your baby!
Kirk Lazarus: You know that's a true story? Lady lost a kid. You're about to cross some fuckin' lines.
Kevin Sandusky: Guys, relax!
Alpa Chino: You know what? Fuck that, man! I'm sick of this koala-huntin' nigga tellin' me-
[is cut off as Lazarus slaps him; goes to punch back]
Kirk Lazarus: [blocking the punch and pulling Alpa into an embrace] For four hundred years, that word has kept us down.
Alpa Chino: What the fuck?
Kirk Lazarus: Took a whole lotta tryin' just to get up that hill. Now we're up in the big leagues, gettin' our turn at bat. As long as we live, it's you and me, baby...
Alpa Chino: [pulling away] That's the theme song to The Jeffersons. Man, you really need help.
Kirk Lazarus: Just because it's a theme song don't mean it's not true.

Kirk Lazarus: [in an interview on Access Hollywood] Being an actor's no different than being a rugby player or construction worker, save for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms which trigger human emotion.

Kirk Lazarus: Being an actor's no different than being a rugby player or a construction worker, save for the fact that my tools are the mechanisms that trigger human emotion.

Alpa Chino: Drink Booty Sweat, baby! Drink Booty Sweat!
Kirk Lazarus: [mockingly] Yeah, get him chuggin' on some of Alpa's ass-water. That'll bring him around, it's a cure-all...

Tugg Speedman: You tell the world what happened here.
Kirk Lazarus: What happened here?
Tugg Speedman: I don't know, but you need to tell them.
[Tugg turns around and walks back over the bridge]
Jeff Portnoy: Where is he going? We're gonna fucking die!
Four Leaf Tayback: Laz, come on! He joined the circus. Let's go!
Kirk Lazarus: You've got hands? Fuck, you've got hands?

Kirk Lazarus: I know who I am! I'm a dude playing a dude disgused as another dude!
Kevin Sandusky: What?
Kirk Lazarus: You're a dude that don't know what dude he is!
Tugg Speedman: Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is...
Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck are you guys talking about?
Tugg Speedman: - by playing other dudes?

Tugg Speedman: My son gave this to me.
Kirk Lazarus: That's your stick buddy?
Tugg Speedman: His name is Twiggman.
Kirk Lazarus: Does he want to come with us?

Tugg Speedman: I have a son now. Little Half-Squat
Kirk Lazarus: Who in crikey fuck is "Half-Squat"?

Jeff Portnoy: [heading towards an ox] I need to bite its hide... and wear its stomach like a unitard.
Kirk Lazarus: Ain't nobody doing nothing to no one or body! Now, Mr. Portnoy is feeling a little flu-ish, don't wanna walk, put him up on that cloven-hoof animal!

Kirk Lazarus: Suck my unit!

Kirk Lazarus: Yo asshole, this muthafucka's dead ain't no Chris Angel Mind Freak, David Blaine trap door, horseshit jumpin' off here.
Tugg Speedman: Hey, you wanna get on the train here or you wanna ruin another take, huh?
Kirk Lazarus: Ain't no goddamn takes, ain't no goddamn motion picture!
Tugg Speedman: Are you sure?
Kirk Lazarus: Oh yea.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah?
Kirk Lazarus: For certain man.
Tugg Speedman: Then why are you still in character? Hm?
Kirk Lazarus: [pause] I know but I don't have to tell you...
Tugg Speedman: You don't know.
Kirk Lazarus: Man, I don't drop character 'till I done the DVD commentary.

Kirk Lazarus: [referring to Damien dying] He ain't acting like God. He being judged by him.

Kirk Lazarus: Cover me!
Kevin Sandusky: [Others are yelling at him to come back in helicopter] How do we cover him?

Kirk Lazarus: You gonna focus up now, motherfucker and say it! "It's me, Tugg!"
Tugg Speedman: It's Me Tugg.
Kirk Lazarus: That's right! Now, Tugg who?
Tugg Speedman: Tugg who? I don't know. Who are you?
Kirk Lazarus: Me? I know who I am. I'm a dude playing a dude disguised as another dude.
Kevin Sandusky: What?
Kirk Lazarus: You a dude that don't know what dude he is!
Tugg Speedman: Or are you a dude who has no idea what dude he is and claims to know what dude he is...
Jeff Portnoy: What the fuck are you guys talking about?
Tugg Speedman: ...by playing other dudes.
Kirk Lazarus: I know what dude I am!
Tugg Speedman: You're scared.
Kirk Lazarus: I ain't scared. Scared of what?
Tugg Speedman: Or scared of who?
Kirk Lazarus: Scared of who!
Kevin Sandusky: Come on guys. We really need to go!
Tugg Speedman: Scared of you!

Kirk Lazarus: How's it goin' with that map, Chief?
Tugg Speedman: Huh?
Kirk Lazarus: Can I have a look at it?
Tugg Speedman: I got it. Yeah. Damien gave it to me, remember?
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah, but he gave it to you for us.
Tugg Speedman: Uh-Huh. Yeah.
Kirk Lazarus: Okay.
Tugg Speedman: I got it.
Kirk Lazarus: You got it upside down.
Tugg Speedman: Thank you.
Kirk Lazarus: Letters go one way and the numbers another. I'm just. Dude, I'm tryin'. I got your back man.
Tugg Speedman: Well I-I'm cool, alright?
Kirk Lazarus: You are cool?
Tugg Speedman: Yeah, but...
Kirk Lazarus: Is your character dyslectic?
Tugg Speedman: No, the character is not dyslec...
Kirk Lazarus: So you a cartographer!

Kirk Lazarus: [to Damien] Hey, man! One week down, two weeks behind, G.I. Joe can't cry, but it don't matter 'cause you didn't have the camera turned on anyway. Let's party!

Kirk Lazarus: Want some? Get Some!

Kirk Lazarus: Hey, man, you know how in Rambo I, he was big but a little puffy, and then Rambo II, he got all shredded up?
Tugg Speedman: Yeah.
Kirk Lazarus: That's kind of how you look right now.
Tugg Speedman: Yeah?
Kirk Lazarus: Not Rambo I but II.
Tugg Speedman: Really?
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah, when he was cut up.
Tugg Speedman: I'm not that... I mean, that's what I'm going for, but you know...
Kirk Lazarus: Come on, dude. You more shredded than a julienne salad, man.
Tugg Speedman: Thanks.
Kirk Lazarus: What's the secret, dude?
Tugg Speedman: It's a diet. I'm just dieting.
Kirk Lazarus: Really? Cause I'm trying to come up a little, but it's just... It's tough.
Tugg Speedman: You look good.
Kirk Lazarus: Any tips?
Tugg Speedman: What?
Kirk Lazarus: Any tips, you got?
Tugg Speedman: There's, like, the pineapple...
Kirk Lazarus: - Give me that goddamn map!
[Snatches map from Tugg Speedman]
Kirk Lazarus: Fuck you!
Tugg Speedman: Hey!
Kirk Lazarus: Hey!

Tugg Speedman: Tell the world what happened here.
Kirk Lazarus: What happened here?

Alpa Chino: Then what are we supposed to do, huh, 'cause he's cleaning a gun with no bullets. Now that's the plan?
Kirk Lazarus: I'm just like a little boy, playing with his dick when he's nervous.

Kirk Lazarus: And the Oscar goes to. Yes! Tugg Speedman for "Tropic Blunder: The True Story Behind The Making Of The Most Expensive Fake True War Movie Ever"

Kirk Lazarus: [about Damian] Hey asshole. This motherfucker's dead. Ain't no Chriss Angel Mindfreak David Blaine Trapdoor shit jumping off here
Tugg Speedman: Hey, You wanna get in line or do you want blow another take.
Kirk Lazarus: Ain't no takes. Ain't no goddamn motion picture
Tugg Speedman: Are you sure?
Kirk Lazarus: Oh yeah

Tugg Speedman: Wait, what?
Kirk Lazarus: Are you serious, you don't know? Man, everyone knows you never go full retard.
Tugg Speedman: What do you mean?
Kirk Lazarus: Check it out. Dustin Hoffman, Rain Man - looks retarded, acts retarded, not retarded. Counted toothpicks, cheated cars, autistic, sho', not retarded. You got Tom Hanks, Forrest Gump - slow yes, retarded maybe, but he charmed the pants off Nixon and won a ping pong competition, that ain't retarded. Peter Sellers, Being There - infatile yes, retarded no. You went full retard, man... Never go full retard. You don't buy that? Ask Sean Penn, 2001, I Am Sam - went full retard, went home empty handed.

Kirk Lazarus: Here's my motherfuckin' farm!

Kevin Sandusky: You guys all read the script, right?
Kirk Lazarus: I don't read the script, script reads me.
[pause]
Kevin Sandusky: What the hell does that even mean?
Kirk Lazarus: [shouting] What you getting at with the book, scripts, spit that shit out, man!
[He smiles then frowns]

Kirk Lazarus: Alright, that's lunch. Coming back to the same scene afterwards: lost in the goddamn jungle with Captain Simple Jack.

Scorcher Preview Narrator: [voice over] In a time where to be different was to be condemned...
[Lazarus and Toby Maguire looks longingly at each other, both are dressed as monks]
Scorcher Preview Narrator: ... and to be condemned was to die, one man chose to question his God.
[Lazarus screams angrily]
Scorcher Preview Narrator: From Fox Searchlight, five-time Academy Award winner Kirk Lazarus and MTV Movie Award Best Kiss winner Tobey Maguire. Winner of the Beijing Film Festival's coveted Crying Monkey Award, "Satan's Alley".
Kirk Lazarus: [voice over whispers] I've been a bad, bad boy, Father.

Kevin Sandusky: Now, if you recall that whole hullabaloo where Hollywood was split into schisms, some studios backing Blu-ray disc, others backing HD DVD. People thought it would come down to pixel rate or refresh rate, and they're pretty much the same. What it came down to was a combination between gamers and porn. Now, whichever format porno backs is usually the one that becomes the uh most successful. But, you know, Sony, every PlayStation 3 has a Blu-ray in it.
Kirk Lazarus: You talkin' to me this whole time?
Kevin Sandusky: I was talking to whoever was listening.
Kirk Lazarus: Jesus Christ, man!

Kirk Lazarus: I don't break charachter until I do the DVD commentary!

Kirk Lazarus: [looking at the stars] Man that's beauty! Nights like tonight make a man wonder what it's all about.

Kevin Sandusky: Alpa, do you have any Booty Sweat?
Kirk Lazarus: Yeah, get him chugging on some of Alpa's ass water. That'll bring him around. It's a cure-all. Man, what you coming out in movies for anyway? Did you need another revenue stream?
Alpa Chino: For your information, my revenue stream currently generates U$2 million a year in charitable contributions for my community.
Kirk Lazarus: Hot damn!