Carl Hickey
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Quotes for
Carl Hickey (Character)
from "My Name Is Earl" (2005)

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"My Name Is Earl: Monkeys Take a Bath (#4.2)" (2008)
[to the drugstore cashier]
Carl Hickey: I would like a box of your largest condoms. Ripped for their pleasure. And by their pleasure, I mean yours.
[she punches him in the face]

Carl Hickey: [Turning toward Earl] Woa, ho, ho, there she is! If your mother thinks she's the only one with sexual options she is mistaken.
Earl Hickey: Uh, once again, Dad, I gotta say I'm a little conflicted about this.
Brenda the Bank Teller: Next!
Carl Hickey: Hello Brenda!
[Smiling with anticipation]
Brenda the Bank Teller: [Flirting] Carl. I like your shirt!
Carl Hickey: Well, according to you on numerous occasions this color brings out the BLUE in my eyes!
Carl Hickey: [Turns around to wink at Earl]
Brenda the Bank Teller: Makes 'em sparkle!
[Both Brenda and Carl are chuckling as Carl turns back toward Brenda]
Brenda the Bank Teller: What can I do for you today?
Carl Hickey: [Stalling] Today... Today I'd like to open a separate account. One that will be separate from my wife. Perhaps one that I can use to pay for dinner two at Casa de Mason with somebody that likes blue eyes.
Earl Hickey: [Looking at Earl another tell calls out: Next!]
[Earl turns to the man behind him]
Earl Hickey: Oh you, you, you can go on I'm just watching my dad trying to get laid.
Brenda the Bank Teller: Look, uh, I'm sorry if I sent the wrong message. But I was just trying to be nice. It's just customer service.
Carl Hickey: [pauses to hear the next teller flirt with another customer] So, just to be clear. Your not interested in having sexual relations with me?
Brenda the Bank Teller: No.
Carl Hickey: [Pausing] I'd like to close my account, please.

Earl Hickey: [Earl Narrates] Our first stop was a disaster. But dad assured me that the bank teller wasn't the only woman in town who flirted with him.
Diana: Next!
Carl Hickey: [Smiling] Hello, Diane!
Diana: [Grinning Big] There's my Carl.
Carl Hickey: [Placing both hands on counter] I'd like a box of your largest condoms. Ribbed for her pleasure. And when I say her, I might just be talking about you.
Diana: [Gives Carl a round-house slap in the face that spins him around] Ugh!
Carl Hickey: [Holding his nose to stop the blood, Carl lifts his stocking foot up to Earl] It's gonna go again... Take off my other sock.

Earl Hickey: Dad said there was one other woman in town that flirted with him. The waitress at the diner. So we headed over to give him one more chance.
Carl Hickey: [Getting out of the car] You stay here. I think those other women would have been game if I hadn't had my son with me. I think it creeped them out a little.
Earl Hickey: [Narrating] I wan't my dad to feel better but I was hoping he wouldn't find a girl. I was also hoping he didn't get hit again because he was out of socks and I'd been wearing mine for a week.
Carl Hickey: [Very excited heads back out to Earl waiting in the car] She's coming out as soon as she freshens up. I told you this was a slamdunk! I'm running across the street for condoms.
Earl Hickey: Da-da-da-Dad, Dad wait! We really should talk about this. Ah- I don't know if I'm cool with this actually happening!
[Yelling after Carl in the parking lot]
Earl Hickey: [Earl his the bell tinkle and turns toward the restaurant] Patty?
Patty: Ha-Hey Earl!
Earl Hickey: When did you start working here?
Patty: Oh. A couple months ago I had to pickup a second job. My hookin' took a bit of a hit when Bush
[Then President Bush]
Patty: monkeyed with the daylight savings schedule.
Carl Hickey: [Carl slaps a box of condoms down on the pharmacy counter]
[With a cocky jaunt of the head]
Carl Hickey: I'll be needing these for use this evening with a young lady who delivers on the promises she makes with her eyes.
Diana: I thought you needed the largest kind we had.
Carl Hickey: Just ring it up, pecker-tease...
Earl Hickey: [Back to Earl and Patty] Listen I just don't know if sex with a hooker is what my dad'd lookin for. Not that your not great... I've heard wonderful things...
Patty: Thanks. Word of mouth is very important in my line of work. It's right up there with eye contact and concealing sores.
Carl Hickey: [Carl approaches stage right] Hello! I see you met my son! I just had to run across the street for a few personal items. And a little something for you!
[Hands Patty a heart-shaped box of candy]
Patty: Thank you!
[Patty immediately turns the candy box over]
Patty: Oh, they have nuts in 'em! Oh, that's sweet but some of my clients have allergies so I need to keep this
[Patty circles her mouth with her index finger]
Patty: a peanut free zone.
[Hands nuts back to Carl]
Earl Hickey: Dad, Patty's a hooker.
Carl Hickey: [In denial] No... no... no... no... No she's not she's a waitress. A waitress who flirts with me.
Patty: Daytime hooker, nighttime waitress.
Carl Hickey: Dammit! This was not how this was supposed to work! It's not revenge sex if I have to pay for it!
Patty: [as Carl and Earl get into the car] If you change your mind sometimes I have coupons in the Penny Saver. It says massage, but...
Carl Hickey: I'm not changing my mind!
[Slamming car door]

"My Name Is Earl: Guess Who's Coming Out of Joy (#2.18)" (2007)
Carl Hickey: So, what's the father's name?
Joy Darville: How should I know? You know how crazy concerts are.

Carl Hickey: I'm going to make you stick to something, and if that means smashing a few gerbils, well, then I'm smashing a few gerbils.

"My Name Is Earl: Cost Dad the Election (#1.9)" (2005)
Rhonda Gibbs: Filling in for Carl Hickey will be his son, Earl Hickey.
Carl Hickey: [watching TV] No, no, no, no, no.
Earl: My father is feeling a little under the weather.
Carl Hickey: [watching TV] Don't embarrass me, don't embarrass me.
Rhonda Gibbs: Nothing serious I hope.
Earl: Er... diarrhea!

"My Name Is Earl: Dad's Car (#1.18)" (2006)
Carl Hickey: You're putting a 1970 carburetor in a '65?
Earl: It'll fit.
Carl Hickey: Oh sure, it'll fit! That size four dress will fit your mother but I wouldn't take her out in it!