Lafayette Reynolds
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Quotes for
Lafayette Reynolds (Character)
from "True Blood" (2008)

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"True Blood: Mine (#1.3)" (2008)
Lafayette Reynolds: Wait a minute, you slept with Sam?
Tara Thornton: You know what? He barks in his sleep.
Lafayette Reynolds: Oh damn, white folk just all fucked up.
Tara Thornton: Yeah, that's what I said.

Tara Thornton: [after his guest leaves] What the hell was that?
Lafayette Reynolds: That was a state senator.
Tara Thornton: You're a prostitute now?
Lafayette Reynolds: I'm an entrepreneur.

Lafayette Reynolds: Well, hello hotness.

Lafayette Reynolds: [to Jason] Viagra is legal. You can buy it in the drug store.

Jason: [seeing the vampire blood] When'd you start dealin' V?
Lafayette Reynolds: When I realized there was a market for it.

Lafayette Reynolds: [as Jason prepares to dance] You know how much you can make if you had your own website?

Tara Thornton: [after confessing about sleeping with Sam] Y'know what? He barks in his sleep.
Lafayette Reynolds: Oh damn. White folk get all fucked up.

[Loud knock on Lafayette's door]
Lafayette Reynolds: Hold on, God Damnit! Shit! What the damn fuck, huh?
[Lafayette opens the door and realizes that it's Jason Stackhouse]
Lafayette Reynolds: Why, hello, hotness!
Jason: Lafayette, I need your help.
Lafayette Reynolds: I am so glad you are recognizing that truth.
Jason: Ha. You're wearing gold pants.

"True Blood: Beautifully Broken (#3.2)" (2010)
Lettie Mae Thornton: [rushing to the bathroom] What are you doing to her?
Lafayette Reynolds: [carrying Tara] Savin' her life! You're to busy praisin' Jesus to realize your daughter's tryin' to move in with him permanently!

Lafayette Reynolds: With a momma like you it's a miracle she ain't tried this years ago!
Lettie Mae Thornton: Where are you takin' her?
Lafayette Reynolds: Hospital!
Tara Thornton: [crying] No, no!
Lettie Mae Thornton: I'm goin' with you.
Lafayette Reynolds: You failed this girl for the last time.

Tara Thornton: I don't need to go to the hosptial. Just pull over please.
Lafayette Reynolds: [drives to a stop] You tried to kill yourself!
Tara Thornton: I didn't plan it. I just saw the bottles and I thought... enough. I deserve some peace.

Tara Thornton: What the hell is wrong with me, Lafayette?
Lafayette Reynolds: Life ain't not having problems, Tara! It's about being able to deal with the ones you got.
Tara Thornton: Well, obviously I can't.
Lafayette Reynolds: You can and you will, if I gotta drag your narrow ass through this world kicking and screaming. Buddha wasn't lying when he said life is suffering. It don't mean you get to check out early and leave me here.

Jesus Velasquez: [as Tara & Lafayette enter] Can I help you?
Ruby Jean Reynolds: [clearly out of it] No. That's just my son, Lafayette.
Lafayette Reynolds: Hi momma.
Jesus Velasquez: [to Ruby Jean] You told me your son passed away.
Ruby Jean Reynolds: He did. God killed him, 'cause he's a faggot. But he keeps comin' back.

Tara Thornton: [about Ruby Jean] Why didn't you tell me?
Lafayette Reynolds: She made me promise not to. Didn't want nobody seein' her like this.
Tara Thornton: But six months, Lafayette? Alone in this place? Even she didn't deserve that.
Lafayette Reynolds: That's right. She don't deserve it. You know much it cost keepin' her here? More than two legal jobs worth. That's how much.

Tara Thornton: [about Ruby Jean] You think I could end up like her?
Lafayette Reynolds: There's some darkness in this family, Tara. My momma, your momma. But they ain't strong enough to beat it. We are!

Lafayette Reynolds: [before they leave the hospital] Is you feelin' me?
Tara Thornton: I'm feelin' you.
Lafayette Reynolds: Is we clear?
Tara Thornton: We clear.
Lafayette Reynolds: We got it?
Tara Thornton: We got it.
Lafayette Reynolds: Alright now.

"True Blood: Keep This Party Going (#2.2)" (2009)
Pam: I thought prostitutes were good at keeping secrets.
Lafayette Reynolds: Oh, don't get it twisted honeycone. I'm a survivor first, capitalist second and a whole bunch of shit after that. But a hooker dead last! So if I've got even a Jew at an Al Qaida pep rally's shot at getting my black ass up out of this motherfucker I'm taking it!

Ginger: [pointing a gun at him] Who the fuck are you?
Lafayette Reynolds: It's day time! Thank you Jesus! Thank you god! You're human, right?
Ginger: Kinda! But I ain't lettin' you go, if that's what you're thinking!

Eric Northman: You are aware there's a gaping hole in your leg? You're damaged goods.
Lafayette Reynolds: Not if you turn me. I'd be good as ever. Look I'm already a person of poor moral character. So, I hit the ground running and I damn near glamor people already. Gimme what ya'll got. Not only will I be a badass vampire, but I'd be your badass vampire.

Lafayette Reynolds: I gave you everything.
Eric Northman: You gave me nothing.

Eric Northman: So, what's it gonna be Lafayette? Would you like your leg to kill you? Or would you prefer us to do that?
Lafayette Reynolds: I'm gonna go with plan C.
Eric Northman: There's a plan C?
Lafayette Reynolds: Make me a vampire.
Eric Northman: I beg your pardon.
Lafayette Reynolds: And you can put me to work in the bar. I'm a good dancer, you've seen it on my site. Shit, I'd get up there and move earth and heaven Go-Go style.
Eric Northman: You are aware that there's a gaping whole in your leg. You're damaged goods.
Lafayette Reynolds: Not if you turn me. I'd be as good as heaven. Look... I... I'm already a person of poor moral character... so I hit the ground running.

Eric Northman: If you have any silver on you now would be the time to reveal it.
Lafayette Reynolds: Now way! I ain't that stupid!
Eric Northman: Yes, you are.
[swiping his mouth, looking at his hand]
Eric Northman: Is there blood in my hair?
Lafayette Reynolds: What?
Eric Northman: Is there blood in my hair?
Lafayette Reynolds: I... I don't know. I can't see in this light.
Eric Northman: [goes over quickly] How about now?
Lafayette Reynolds: [shaking] Y... yeah t... there's a little bit of blood in there, yeah.
Eric Northman: This is bad. Pam is going to kill me.
Lafayette Reynolds: Who the fuck is Pam?
Eric Northman: Do you want to meet her?
Lafayette Reynolds: No. No, I'm good.
Eric Northman: We'll you're going to.
[takes the chain from the collar]
Lafayette Reynolds: Where you taking me?
Eric Northman: To find out what you know. I wouldn't try anything rash if I were you. I'm still hungry.

Pam: [looking at Eric's hair] This is a disaster. We'll have to go much shorter than I planned.
Eric Northman: Well I said I was sorry, Pam. He took silver to me.
[to Lafayette]
Eric Northman: You were there, you saw it. Defend me.
Lafayette Reynolds: I don't know what it is you want to know, but point me in the direction and I gives to you.
Eric Northman: I've seen your website, it's quite, umm... low rent. But your clients miss you, Lafayette, they're wondering if you're ever coming back.
Lafayette Reynolds: [nervous] Am I?

"True Blood: Sparks Fly Out (#1.5)" (2008)
Lafayette Reynolds: [swings a bat as Tara throws stuff at him] Bring it on, hooker. I was all-parish in high school.

Lafayette Reynolds: [cringing, while watching Jason demonstrate what he went through] Damn!
Jason Stackhouse: Yeah, just like that and no anesthesia either.

Jason Stackhouse: You're my dog.
Lafayette Reynolds: Well, I love you right back.

Lafayette Reynolds: Don't blame the Ferrari just 'cause your ass can't drive. You're gonna have to learn to ride the high, boyfriend.

Lafayette Reynolds: [about using v-juice] You take this in, and you take in a piece of the vampire it came from.

Lafayette Reynolds: Excuse me, who ordered the hamburger with AIDS?

Lafayette Reynolds: [Jason sticks a meat thermometer slowly lengthwise into a sausage] Damn!
Jason Stackhouse: Yeah, just like that. And no anesthesia, either. First, I get hauled in by the cops; then, I gotta let a dude drain my johnson. That's a fuck of a day.

"True Blood: Cold Ground (#1.6)" (2008)
Lafayette Reynolds: [producing a small bag of pills] Your wish is my command.
Sookie Stackhouse: Oh no, I don't do drugs!
Lafayette Reynolds: Sook relax, this is not drugs, this is just a Valium.

Sookie Stackhouse: [about yelling at at neighbor] I shouldn't have lost it like that.
Tara Thornton: Don't you feel sorry for yellin' at that snoopy old bitch. She's been stickin' her nose where it don't belong for years.
Lafayette Reynolds: Say it. I mean, if she talked any more shit she'd be shaped like a toilet.
[as he and Tara start to laugh]

Tara Thornton: [peeved] Nothin' says I'm sorry like a tuna cheese cassarole.
Lafayette Reynolds: Another one?

Tara Thornton: Maybe I should go check on Sookie.
Lafayette Reynolds: Trust me, that child is dead to the world right now.

Tara Thornton: [about vampires] Do you think they're capable of lovin' a person?
Lafayette Reynolds: Who knows what they're capable of.

Lettie Mae Thornton: [at the funeral] I got somethin' to say.
Lafayette Reynolds: What is she doing?
Tara Thornton: [trying to stop her] No, Mama!
Lettie Mae Thornton: Oh, my fuckin' God. Girl, this about to get ugly.

Lafayette Reynolds: [looking at all of the food brought by the town] What the fuck is it with white people and jello? I don't understand.
Tara Thornton: [annoyed] What the hell we gonna do with all this?
Lafayette Reynolds: Toss it. Sookie don't need no bad juju cooking.
Tara Thornton: Bad juju?
Lafayette Reynolds: Way to a man's heart is through his stomach. That shit true as gold. You put some love in your food and folk can taste it.
[picks up the cornbread]
Lafayette Reynolds: Smell this. You can smell the-the fear and nastiness comin' off that cornbread.
Tara Thornton: [takes a bit] Tastes just fine to me.
Lafayette Reynolds: See bitch. You gonna wish you ain't did that. Watch.

"True Blood: Strange Love (#1.1)" (2008)
Lafayette Reynolds: That boy is sex on a stick. I don't give a good damn how stuck up he is.

Lafayette Reynolds: Hey, hooker. How you doin'? What are you doin' here?
Tara Thornton: I work here.
Lafayette Reynolds: [not believing] Oh no, the hell you don't.
Tara Thornton: Oh yes the hell I do too, you ugly bitch! You need to make peace with that.
Lafayette Reynolds: Shit. Sam must've lost his damned mind 'cause you should not be allowed to work in no situation where you actually gotta interact with people.

Lafayette Reynolds: [taking a good look at her] You look like a porn star with that tan and pink lipstick. You gotta date?
Sookie Stackhouse: No. When I wear makeup, I get bigger tips.
Lafayette Reynolds: [laughing] Yes, girl. Let's here it! These damn redneck are suckers for packaging.
Sookie Stackhouse: [nonchalantly] And I get even bigger tips when I act like I don't have a brain in my head. But if I don't, they're all scared of me.
Lafayette Reynolds: [smooth] They ain't scared of you, honey child. They scared of what's between your legs.

Lafayette Reynolds: Ya bitches just don't know what you're missin'. I got six gears on these hips.
Dawn Green: No, baby. You don't know what you're missing.You can watch her walk away... make you wanna slap it? Ooo, you wanna slap it?
[slaps her butt as she walks away]
Lafayette Reynolds: Everybody know that. Everybody been there. Ain't that right J-John's been there!
Arlene Fowler: [backing away, hands under her breasts] I'm slapping it. Take these, baby. Peaches and cream.
Lafayette Reynolds: [shaking his hips] I'll give you a little cocoa.
Arlene Fowler: Peaches and cream.
Lafayette Reynolds: Little cocoa.

Lafayette Reynolds: I know every man, whether straight, gay or George mother-fucking Bush is terrified of the pussy.

"True Blood: Bad Blood (#3.1)" (2010)
Lafayette Reynolds: [to Lettie Mae] Bitch! You, me, bridge ain't gonna never motherfuckin' happen.

Lafayette Reynolds: You fellin' all floaty yet?
Tara Thornton: [broken] Kinda.
Lafayette Reynolds: Good. Tequila and klonopin, baby girl. A steady diet of that will keep them thoughts away 'til y'alls more equipped to deal with them.

Sookie Stackhouse: [comes in, seeing her crying] Tara?
Tara Thornton: [sobbing] It's Eggs.
Sookie Stackhouse: What happened?
Lafayette Reynolds: They shot him.
Sookie Stackhouse: What? Who?
Lafayette Reynolds: Andy Bellefleur said Eggs came at him with a knife, confessing to killing those women and cuttin' out their hearts.
Tara Thornton: The fuck he know any of that?
Sookie Stackhouse: Oh my god. Tara, he came to me earlier today. Said he needed help 'membering what Maryann made him do. So, so I helped him.

Lettie Mae: [about Tara] How is she?
Lafayette Reynolds: [going to get in his car] Sleepin' finally. So keep it down. I don't wanna wake her up.
Lettie Mae: Thank you for callin' me.
Lafayette Reynolds: This ain't about you and me building a bridge into our future together, alright? You SHOT a gun at me! But you know what, I don't even have the time. I got two jobs, both of which I need. One of which I already didn't show up for today.

Lafayette Reynolds: [to Lettie Mae] Do everybody a solid. Instead of looking up at a god that let all this shit happen, you need to keep your eyes on your fucking daughter. She ain't right to be alone.

"True Blood: New World in My View (#2.10)" (2009)
Lafayette Reynolds: This has got to be the worst motherfuckin' intervention in history.

Lafayette Reynolds: If ever there was a time to listen to a white man, Tara, this would be it.

Lettie Mae Thornton: [during Tara's intervention] If only Miss Jeanette was still alive.
Lafayette Reynolds: She don't need no backwoods witch. She needs Thorazine and a padded cell.

Lafayette Reynolds: [to Bill about selling V] Hey, slow your roll. It ain't even me. Talk to your boy Eric. He's the one got me pushin' the shit.

"True Blood: Nothing But the Blood (#2.1)" (2009)
Royce: [after being chained up] What the hell you doing here?
Lafayette Reynolds: I wish I knew.
Royce: [looking around the dungeon] Where the are we? Who are those people?

Royce: [after a guy is dragged up stairs] Where are they taking that guy?
Lafayette Reynolds: I don't know. But sometimes there's screams.

Royce: [in the dungeon] I gotta plan. I'm bustin' us out!
Lafayette Reynolds: Don't be an idiot... Shhh.
Eric Northman: [coming down stairs] No. Shushing won't do any good, sweetheart. We hear everything. But since you made me come all the way down here, I oughta take out some of the garbage.
[kneeling in front of Royce]
Eric Northman: Royce Alan Williams, we have a few questions for you with regards to a fire which claims three of our kind.
Royce: No fucking way man! I don't know anything!
Eric Northman: [pulling Royce to his feet] Crimes against vampire are on the rise. We lost a sheriff just days ago. We seek answers.

Lafayette Reynolds: All the shit I done in my life - the drugs... the sex... the web site. I did it so my life wouldn't be a dead-end, and this is where I end up. Now what kind of punchline is that?
Royce: See, that's why we gotta talk - we gotta tell each other all the shit she we done; that way if one of us gets out, he can tell the world about both of us.
Royce: I just hope it's me!
Lafayette Reynolds: Whatever, if it make you feel any better, keep talking.
Royce: Alright, then when I was twenty, my cousin Rufus he was going out with this girl who claimed she could crush a beer can... with her tits. And, one night when we were alone, I asked he to show me. One beer can led to another, and before you knew it, she was crushing my head... with her tits. Rufus came home, and he was so mad, he threw me out the window; my hip shattered into a million pieces, and they replaced it, with... metal.
Royce: My ass is magnetic now.

"True Blood: Burning House of Love (#1.7)" (2008)
Sam Merlotte: [stopping Lafayette before he reaches the rednecks] Whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm paying you to cook, not beat on customers.
Lafayette Reynolds: [deadpan] Then I want a motherfuckin' raise.
Sam Merlotte: I'll think about it. But till then, no trouble.

Lafayette Reynolds: Look at you! All pornalicious. What kinda crazy mix you done gone and got yourself into?
Sookie Stackhouse: [almost laughing] Can't I just be in a good mood with out it bein' a big deal?

Sookie Stackhouse: [describing her vampire experience] It felt like- It-it felt like every single care or worry or saddness I ever had was just flowin' out of me into him. And, yeah it hurt at first. But then when I relaxed, didn't hurt at all.
Lafayette Reynolds: [chagrined] I was always too scared to let 'em bite me. I don't know, Sook, I just think that when there's blood involved, a line been crossed.
Sookie Stackhouse: Oh, I definitely crossed a line but glad I did.
Lafayette Reynolds: Well you go ahead on, hooker with your badass. Good for you. It ain't possible to live unless you crossin' somebody's line.

"True Blood: You'll Be the Death of Me (#1.12)" (2008)
Lafayette Reynolds: [seeing the half eaten food] These fucker's palettes are as backwoods as they brains.

Tara Thornton: Sookie?
Sookie Stackhouse: [wakes up, medicated] Tara. You look so pretty. Like someone turned a light on under your skin.
Sam Merlotte: [smiling] Hospital gave her pain meds. She's-she's a little loopy.
Tara Thornton: [in tears] Didn't you listen when I said I'd lose my shit if anything ever happened to you?
Sookie Stackhouse: Don't lose your shit. I'm fine. Did Sam tell you that he saved my life? He turned into a dog and bit Rene.
Lafayette Reynolds: [laughs] Well, shit. I'm gonna need some of them drugs they gave you.
Sam Merlotte: Okay, you guys. We should let her rest.
Sookie Stackhouse: Sam, you need to let people see the real you. 'Cause you're kind and brave. There's nothin there not to love.
Sam Merlotte: [smiles and winks] Right back at you.

Lafayette Reynolds: [to Sam] Well, I'm goin' to head on over to the bar. Make sure Terry's not PTSD'ing all over my clam chowder.

"True Blood: Frenzy (#2.11)" (2009)
Lafayette Reynolds: What was it like inside Tara's head?
Sookie Stackhouse: Like there was no limit. Like anything could happen and probably will. You feel your insides expanding but there's also this... this emptying out right at the very center of your being and you don't want it to stop, ever.
Lafayette Reynolds: Damn, that's deep.

Sookie Stackhouse: How's your leg?
Lafayette Reynolds: [flexing his knee] Better than ever.
Sookie Stackhouse: How'd that happen?
Lafayette Reynolds: Eric made me drink his mother-fuckin' blood is how that happened.
Sookie Stackhouse: Me too. He tricked me!
Lafayette Reynolds: Somebody need to slap that bitch.
Sookie Stackhouse: I have.
Lafayette Reynolds: [proud] Look at you.
Sookie Stackhouse: Have you had... any dreams about him?
Lafayette Reynolds: [incredulously] Now Sook, how would you know about that?
Sookie Stackhouse: What kind of dreams?
Lafayette Reynolds: He's always in my head. Sex dreams is all kinda nasty and fantastic, which freaks me the fuck outs because I hates that mother-fucker more than you'll ever know.

Sookie Stackhouse: [in the trees, looking at her home] My gran lived and died in that house and now it's like people who were the exact opposite of everything she was... are defiling her... I almost got raped in Dallas, but this is so much worse.
Lafayette Reynolds: Don't take it personal, Sook. They ain't themselves and they're not doin' it on purpose.
Sookie Stackhouse: First time I met Maryann I knew there was somethin' seriously off about her. She was thinkin' creepy foreign stuff and I could tell it wasn't good.
Lafayette Reynolds: You couldn't have stopped this.
Sookie Stackhouse: How come there's so much wrong in the world, Lafayette? How come so many people are willing to do bad things and hurt other people?
Lafayette Reynolds: 'Cause they're weak.
Sookie Stackhouse: Well I am not weak and I am not afraid! I am gonna kick that evil bitch's ass outta my gran's house.

"True Blood: I Will Rise Up (#2.9)" (2009)
Lafayette Reynolds: [to Tara about Eggs] He's poison! He ain't never gonna change and he may wind up killing you!

Tara Thornton: [seeing Lafayette and Lettie Mae] Ah well. Looky here. Aliens.
Maryann Forrester: Ooh. Who's that?
Tara Thornton, Eggs: Lafayette.
Maryann Forrester: Ooh. Lafayette, Ms. Thornton. Welcome, join us!
Lafayette Reynolds: No. We're good.
Lettie Mae Thornton: I'm takin' my daughter away from you.
Tara Thornton: Is that right?
Lafayette Reynolds: Yeah, that's right.
Lettie Mae Thornton: [to Tara] Child, listen to me this one time for once in your life.
Maryann Forrester: [as she, Tara and Eggs laugh] Don't be ridiculous. Take a load off. We're in the middle of a game.

Lafayette Reynolds: [to Tara] What's wrong with you, Tara? Are you even in there?

"True Blood: Never Let Me Go (#2.5)" (2009)
Sam Merlotte: [in his office] Where the fuck have you been?... Couldn't pick up the damn phone?
Lafayette Reynolds: [trying sincerely] Sorry.
Sam Merlotte: Well 'sorry''s not good enough. Not only did you leave us high and dry. But there are people here who give a shit about you. We didn't know if you were alive or dead... You know ordinarily, right about now you'd be telling me to fuck off in some colorful and creative way. You wanna talk, do some talkin'.
Lafayette Reynolds: Sam, all I wanna know is can I have my job back?
Sam Merlotte: Now I oughta tell you to fuck off. All that pressure in the kitchen just about put Terry back in the V.A. hospital... Of course you can have your job back. Place ain't the same without you.

Sam Merlotte: Where the fuck have you been? Couldn't pick up a damn phone?
Lafayette Reynolds: Sorry
Sam Merlotte: Well, sorry's not good enough. Not only did you leave us high and dry but there are people here who give a shit about you. We didn't know if you were alive or dead. Wait, ordinarily, right about now, you'd be telling me to fuck off in some colorful and creative way. Well, you want to talk, do some talking.
Lafayette Reynolds: Sam all I want to know is, can I have my job back?
Sam Merlotte: I outta tell *you* to fuck off. All that pressure in the kitchen just about put Terry back in the VA hospital. Yeah, of course you can have your job back. The place ain't the same without you.
Lafayette Reynolds: Thank you, Sam
Sam Merlotte: Lafayette. What happened to you?
Lafayette Reynolds: [walks out the door and closes it behind him]

"True Blood: To Love Is to Bury (#1.11)" (2008)
Lafayette Reynolds: [about the senator] Did you hear what he just said?
Terry Bellefleur: I can't listen to politicians no more. I get a seizure.

Lafayette Reynolds: [while shaking the senator's hand] I'm so happy and proud to shake the hand of someone with your values. Too often we're governed by criminals and hypocrites. Don't you agree? But I can tell you're a man of virtues and I applaud the effort you're making against the poor and disenfranchised, especially the vampires and the gays.
Duke Smith: Thank you. Next.
Lafayette Reynolds: So many things can happen to bring down a fine personage such as yourself. You might wanna be careful, you hear?

"True Blood: The Fourth Man in the Fire (#1.8)" (2008)
Lafayette Reynolds: Well, hey there sweetness. You ready to party?

Eddie: I bought this specially for you. I remember you said you 'go for merlot.'
Lafayette Reynolds: I said I worked at Merlotte's. But whatever...

"True Blood: I Don't Wanna Know (#1.10)" (2008)
Lafayette Reynolds: [knocking Jason to the ground] I told you to keep your god damn mouth shut!
Jason Stackhouse: Hey! This is my good shirt. And yeah, I kept my mouth shut.
Lafayette Reynolds: My supplier, he gone! He fuckin' missing and if other vampires find out that I been sellin', the same shit is gonna - you understand that - the same shit is gonna happen to me!
Jason Stackhouse: [getting to his feet] You got nothin' to worry about.

Lafayette Reynolds: I ain't gonna be next!

"True Blood: The First Taste (#1.2)" (2008)
Lafayette Reynolds: Why come you won't call Jason Stackhouse?
Tara Thornton: You are a mean, nasty bitch.
Lafayette Reynolds: And you need to move your sorry ass outcha mama's house. That's whatcha needs to do.
Tara Thornton: Yeah, whatever.
Lafayette Reynolds: Well, alright. Alright, I's on my way. But you might gotta find your own ride home, just in case I get lucky.
Tara Thornton: Whatchu mean *if* you get lucky? Your standards are so low you always get lucky.

Lafayette Reynolds: [on his cell phone] Yellow, hooker. What's the T?
Tara Thornton: [at home] Where are you?
Lafayette Reynolds: I'm on my way to a party in Monroe. And hell no, I ain't swingin' by by to pick your needy ass up, hooker.
Tara Thornton: Lafayette, please. My mama's passed out on the couch and I-I can't face cleanin' her up and puttin' her to bed. It's just too goddamn depressin'.
Lafayette Reynolds: What's depressin' is how often I get this phone call from you. That's depressin'!

"True Blood: Escape from Dragon House (#1.4)" (2008)
Lafayette Reynolds: You a dizzy motherfucker. I said one drop, two max, and you took the whole thing.

Lafayette Reynolds: Ain't no antidote to V, boyfriend
Jason Stackhouse: When my grandpa was alive, he had gout. And he said just the weight of a sheet on his big toe was too much to bear. So help me God, that's exactly what this feels like.
Lafayette Reynolds: Maybe you should try rubbin' one out.
Jason Stackhouse: Were you listenin' to me?... I got gout of the dick!

"True Blood: Everything Is Broken (#3.9)" (2010)
Jesus Velasquez: [to Ruby Jean] You almost done in there? it's time for us to go home.
Ruby Jean Reynolds: [Ruby Jean walks in all made up] You have got an excellent selection a cosmetics, I give you that.
[to Jesus]
Ruby Jean Reynolds: I'm ready for you now. Ain't nothin gonna hurt me when I got on my warpaint.
[to Lafayette]
Ruby Jean Reynolds: Somethin' different about you.
Lafayette Reynolds: I don't think so.
Ruby Jean Reynolds: Y'ain't got your mask on.
Lafayette Reynolds: That's 'cause you've been in there hogging all my stuff.
Ruby Jean Reynolds: I can see you. My son is shining through.
[about Jesus]
Ruby Jean Reynolds: Did he do this to you?
Lafayette Reynolds: No. Yeah. I guess you could say that.
Ruby Jean Reynolds: I'll be damned. Maybe God LOVES fags!
Jesus Velasquez: That sounds like a compliment. Ruby, we gotta go. Come on. You need to bless the jello so everyone can eat. Come on!
Lafayette Reynolds: All right now, you go 'head. Without my ring, thank you.
Ruby Jean Reynolds: Come see me, LaLa.
Lafayette Reynolds: All right, Miss Lady, eat your vegetables.
Jesus Velasquez: So I'll see you?
Lafayette Reynolds: I'll see you.

Jesus Velasquez: A visit from the chef. Wow. It's my lucky day!
Lafayette Reynolds: I wanted to meet the sick fuck who ordered the veggie burger with bacon.
Jesus Velasquez: I was just curious to see if you'd actually do it.
Lafayette Reynolds: Boyfriend, for you, I'd do all kind of things against my better judgment.
Jesus Velasquez: That's why I come back. For the personal service.
Lafayette Reynolds: You don't finish that, and you ain't getting no dessert.

"True Blood: Shake and Fingerpop (#2.4)" (2009)
Tara Thornton: [from outside, knocking on the door] I know you're in there, even if you won't pick up the phone!
Lafayette Reynolds: Damn, hooka. Shit!
[gets up and opens the door, letting her in]
Tara Thornton: [coming inside] How come I have to hear about you being back from Sookie?
Lafayette Reynolds: What else did she tell you?
Tara Thornton: That you got shot and fed on and chained up in some vampire dungeon!
Lafayette Reynolds: Sookie need to keep her mouth shut and so do you.
Tara Thornton: Have you been to the hospital?
Lafayette Reynolds: Whatchu think is gonna happen if I show up to the ER with a gun shot wound? I don't need the police up in my business.
Tara Thornton: You need to see a doctor.
Lafayette Reynolds: For what? So they can give me drugs I already got?

Eric Northman: [moving up fast] Good evening, Lafayette.
Lafayette Reynolds: [turning and falling from the sofa] No! You can't come in my house unless I invite you in and I ain't no where near that crazy.
Eric Northman: You have to come out eventually. I have all the time in the world.
Lafayette Reynolds: You let me go!
Eric Northman: I gave you a very generous gift. The gift of not killing you.

"True Blood: Hard-Hearted Hannah (#2.6)" (2009)
Andy Bellefleur: I've been noticin' some strange things about you lately.
Lafayette Reynolds: Like?
Andy Bellefleur: Like the fact you just up and vanished for over two weeks. Like the fact now that you are back, you seemed to have lost some of your pizazz.
Lafayette Reynolds: [almost laughing] My pizazz?
Andy Bellefleur: Right. In case you didn't hear, Lafayette. A woman's dead!

Pam: [from behind him] Remember me?
[as he jumps]
Pam: Aww, you do. How's life?
Lafayette Reynolds: Not so good. Uh, is you real?
Pam: [looking around the freezer] Hmmm. This is nice. I could sleep here in a pinch.
Lafayette Reynolds: What are you doin' here? I ain't said nothin' to nobody.
Pam: And I knew you wouldn't.
Lafayette Reynolds: Why then the fuck ya'll just glamour me, huh?
Pam: Oh poor thing. We would have, but then you wouldn't have remembered that you owed us.
Lafayette Reynolds: Owe you?
Pam: Eric sent me with a request.
[holding up a small bottle of blood]
Pam: You're back in business.
Lafayette Reynolds: Oh no I ain't. I'm outta that shit.
Pam: So sorry. But you're very much back in this shit.
Lafayette Reynolds: You locked me up and tortured me for damn near three mother-fuckin' weeks, 'cause you caught me selling V and now...
Pam: Now what?
Lafayette Reynolds: What the fuck is vampire's doing selling V anyway?
Pam: We're not. You are. Get to work.

"True Blood: She's Not There (#4.1)" (2011)
Lafayette Reynolds: [about the coven] We'll stay for five minutes. Ten if they got dranks.

Lafayette Reynolds: [about the Moon Goddess Emporuim] It smells like where old incense go to die.

"True Blood: Release Me (#2.7)" (2009)
Tara Thornton: How's you leg?
Lafayette Reynolds: Great.
[when she looks at him unbelieving]
Lafayette Reynolds: What? I got a powerful immune system.
Tara Thornton: You have a powerful death wish is what you got!

Lafayette Reynolds: See, that just ain't mother-fuckin' fair.
Eggs: Excuse me?
Lafayette Reynolds: First time in my god-damned life, I ain't chasin' after trouble and it just keeps walkin' through my front door. Loot at you. Damn! Ain't nothin' good can come outta somethin' so pretty.
Eggs: You must be Lafayette.
Lafayette Reynolds: Uh huh.
Eggs: I'm Eggs.
Lafayette Reynolds: Tara's Eggs?
Tara Thornton: [walking up] You know that just don't sound right.

"True Blood: 9 Crimes (#3.4)" (2010)
Lafayette Reynolds: Ring, ring hookah! Ring, Ring!

"True Blood: Hitting the Ground (#3.7)" (2010)
Lafayette Reynolds: I think over again my small adventures, my fears, those small ones that seemed so big. For all the vital things I had to get and reach and yet there is only one great thing, the only thing to live to see the great day that dawns and the light that fills the world.
Jason Stackhouse: That's beautiful.
Lafayette Reynolds: That's because that shit is Inuit. And we all is used to lesser religions.

"True Blood: Who Are You, Really? (#6.1)" (2013)
Lafayette Reynolds: Is this about your girlfriend turning into Steve Newlin? Cause that was the sickest shit I've seen on TV... and I watch Dance Moms.

"True Blood: Timebomb (#2.8)" (2009)
Lafayette Reynolds: I'm gonna go clean a grill or somethin'!

"True Blood: Hopeless (#5.6)" (2012)
Lafayette Reynolds: Momma, how do you know all this?
Ruby Jean Reynolds: I ain't got no fucking clue, baby. The electricity just runs through me. It always has. I be seein' shit I ain't got no right to be seein'. Shit that I don't even know what it even is.

"True Blood: Authority Always Wins (#5.2)" (2012)
Lafayette Reynolds: Do something!
Pam De Beaufort: I am. I'm laughing.

"True Blood: Somebody That I Used to Know (#5.8)" (2012)
Lafayette Reynolds: Ciao, bitches.

"True Blood: Save Yourself (#5.12)" (2012)
Arlene Fowler: Who knew watching an alien give birth could be so comforting?
Lafayette Reynolds: Are you kidding me? It's always the weird stuff that's the best.