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: Good night Dwayne. Dwayne
: [scribbles on notepad
] Don't kill yourself tonight. Frank
: Not on your watch Dwayne. I wouldn't do that to you. Dwayne
: [on notepad
] Welcome to hell. Frank
: Thanks Dwayne. Coming from you that means a lot.
[Dwayne looks around van; writes frantically on notepad...
: [reading notepad
] "Where's Olive?"... Sheryl
: [after Frank tried to commit suicide
] I'm so glad you're still here. Frank
: Well, that makes one of us.
: I wish I could just sleep until I was eighteen and skip all this crap-high school and everything-just skip it. Frank
: Do you know who Marcel Proust is? Dwayne
: He's the guy you teach. Frank
: Yeah. French writer. Total loser. Never had a real job. Unrequited love affairs. Gay. Spent 20 years writing a book almost no one reads. But he's also probably the greatest writer since Shakespeare. Anyway, he uh... he gets down to the end of his life, and he looks back and decides that all those years he suffered, Those were the best years of his life, 'cause they made him who he was. All those years he was happy? You know, total waste. Didn't learn a thing. So, if you sleep until you're 18... Ah, think of the suffering you're gonna miss. I mean high school? High school-those are your prime suffering years. You don't get better suffering than that.
: Do you think there's a Heaven? Frank
: Well, it's hard to say, Olive. I don't think anyone knows for sure. Olive
: I know, but what do *you* think? Frank
: Well... um... uh... Olive
: I think there is. Frank
: Think I'll get in? Olive
: Yeah. Frank
: Promise? Olive
: I take it you didn't like it at Sunset Manor? Sheryl
: Frank... Grandpa
: Are you kidding me? It was a fucking paradise. They got pool... They got golf... Now I'm stuck with Mr. Happy here, sleeping on a fucking sofa. Look, I know you are a homo and all, but maybe you can appreciate this. You go to one of those places, there's four women for every guy. Can you imagine what that's like? Frank
: You must have been very busy. Grandpa
: Ho oh. I had second degree burns on my johnson, I kid you not. Frank
: Really? Grandpa
: Forget about it.
: Who is that? Nietzsche? So you stopped talking because of Friedrich Nietzsche? Far out.
: [going over eye test pamphlets
] Mom, Dwayne's got 20/20 vision! Sheryl
: I bet he does... Olive
: Now, let's see if you're colorblind.
[opens the pamphlet
: What's the letter in the circle?
[Dwayne looks confused
: No in the circle. The letter... in the circle? Frank
: Can you see a letter, Dwayne? Olive
: It's an A. See? Right there? Frank
: It's bright green.
: Oh man.
[Dwayne scribbles anxiously on his notepad - "What?"
: Dwayne, I think you might be colorblind.
[pause, Dwayne holds up his notepad again - "What?"
: You can't fly jets if you're colorblind.
[Dwayne starts to panic, starts hitting the window and the chair in front of him, he then attempts to open the door
: Why were you unhappy? Frank
: I fell in love with someone...
[interrupted by Grandpa blowing his nose
: ...who didn't love me back. Olive
: Who? Frank
: One of my grad students. I was very much in love with him. Olive
: *Him*? You fell in love with a boy? Frank
: Very much so. Olive
: That's silly. Frank
: You're right it was silly. It was very silly Grandpa
: That's another word for it.
: No one gets left behind! No one gets left behind! Outstanding soldier!
[following Olive's act, the Hoovers are sitting outside the Suite Redondo security office
] Officer Martinez
: Okay, you're out. On the condition that you never enter your daughter in a beauty pageant in the state of California, ever again. Ever. Frank
: I think we can live with that.
: [recounting his unrequited love for his student
] He fell in love with another man,a colleague of mine; Larry Sugarman. Sheryl
: Who's Larry Sugarman? Frank
: Probably the second highest regarded Proust scholar in th US. Richard
: Who's number 1? Frank
: That would be me Rich. Richard
: Sarcasm is the refuge of losers. Frank
] It is? Really? Richard
: Sarcasm is losers trying to bring winners down to their level. Frank
] Wow, Richard, you've really opened my eyes to what a loser I am. How much do I owe you for those pearls of wisdom? Richard
: Oh, that ones on the house.
: [to Frank
] He started snorting heroin. Frank
: [to Grandpa
] You started snorting heroin? Grandpa
: [in response to Frank, aimed at Dwayne
] Let me tell ya, don't do that stuff. When you're young, you're crazy to do that shit. Frank
: [to Grandpa
] Well what about you? Grandpa
: [to Frank
] What about me? I'm old. When you're old you're crazy not to do it.
: So who do you hang around with? Dwayne
: [shakes his head
: No one? Dwayne
: [whips out a pen and notebook from his back pocket. bangs the end of the pen on table and writes on a notepad: "I Hate Everyone."
: What about your family? Dwayne
: [deeply underlines "Everyone"
: [as audience members boo Olive's performance
] Where are they? I will *kill* those little fuckers!
: [as he rolls up the sheet that covered Grandpa and packs the bags in the trunk of the bus
] You know, Olive, Grandpa would have been proud of you today. Olive
: Really? Sheryl
: You were great. Frank
: You were better than great. Dwayne
: You were incredible.
: [reading what Dwayne is writing on his notepad
] But. I. Am. Not. Going. To. Have. Any. Fun. Frank
: Yeah, we're all with ya on that one, Dwayne.
: Did you know that "a la mode", in French, translates literally to "in the fashion"? A la moooode... It comes from the latin word modus to do or proper measure. Richard
: Frank shut up.
: Is he always like this? How can you stand it?
: You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. You know, school, then college, then work, fuck that. And fuck the air force academy. If I wanna fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest. Frank
: I'm glad you're talking again, Dwayne. You're not nearly as stupid as you look.
: [after Dwayne reads an eye test pamphlet and finds he may be colourblind, destroying his life goal of enlisting in the Air Force
] You can't fly jets if you're colourblind.
[Dwayne immediately falls into an emotional breakdown; Frank, Olive and Sheryl all yell for Richard to pull over the vehicle
: [Dwayne springs from the stopped van into an empty field
[collapses, screaming and sobbing, breaking his nine-month vow of silence
: What happened? Frank
: He's colourblind. He can't fly. Sheryl
: Oh, Jesus... oh, no. Sheryl
: [waits several moments, then approaches Dwayne
] Dwayne...? Dwayne, honey, I'm sorry. Dwayne, come on. We have to go. Dwayne
: I'm not going. Sheryl
: Dwayne... Dwayne
: I said *I'm not*, okay? I don't care, I'm not getting on that bus again. Sheryl
: Dwayne, for better or worse, we're your family... Dwayne
: [stands up
] No, you're *not* my family, okay? I don't want to *be* your family! I *hate* you fucking people! *I hate you!* Divorce? Bankrupt? Suicide? You're fucking *losers*! You are losers! Sheryl
] Dwayne... Dwayne
: [begins to cry again
] No, *please* just leave me here, Mom. Okay? Please, *please*. Please just leave me here.
[sits back down, crying continues
: I couldn't help noticing Dwayne has stopped speaking. Sheryl
: Oh, yeah, he's taken a vow of silence.
: I can't slow down. I can't slow down. Sheryl
: Come on, Olive. Frank
: Come on, sweetie, jump. Jump in the car.
: Have I mentioned that I am the preeminent Proust scholar in the US?
: I am going to get something to drink. You want anything? Grandpa
: Yeah, get me some porn. Get me something really nasty too, I don't want any of that airbrushed shit. Frank
: Okay. Grandpa
: Okay, here's a $20. Get yourself a little treat too, get yourself a fag rag. Frank
: All right, I will.