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: [to the camera
] My name is Brittany S. Pierce and I finally know how Jesus feels in his house way up at the North Pole because I am on top of the world. Senior year was awesome and now I get to relive every minute of it. I'm Head Cheerio, Vice Rachel of the glee club and now I'm planning a Middle East-style sham election that will install me as senior class president for life. Blaine Anderson
: Brittany, who are you talking to? Brittany Pierce
: I thought I was doing a voiceover.
: My girls no longer see academic achievement as a worthy goal and yesterday I caught one of them trying to marry a squirrel. Brittany Pierce
: That's because I believe in marriage equality for all land mammals.
: [to Sue
] Tough love feels a lot like mean.
: [to Lord Tubbington
] I'm not speaking to you. I know you joined a gang.
: Sorry I'm late. Somebody took my compass.
: I started taking Lord Tubbington's pills for feline depression.
: After school I'm hopping into bed, eating cashews and bacon and then watching "The Client List" marathon.
: [about to shave her hair a la Britney
] Coach Sylvester's taken away my high pony. If I can't have my high pony, I don't want any hair at all.
: [to her phone
] Kiki, why is everybody staring at me? Kiki
: [in an automated African-American accent
] Because those fools are jealous. Tina Cohen-Chang
: Who's Kiki? Brittany Pierce
: Kiki is Siri's super-smart older cousin who's really jealous of how famous Siri's gotten. She lives inside this super cheap phone I found at the laundromat.
: My voice is too weak to sing live. I've been up every night this week yelling at the shrubs in my yard that have been making fun of me.
: I got a C minus on my U.S. History exam which the teacher bumped up two whole letter grades because I wrote in English instead of my secret language I invented in middle school.
] Brittany Pierce
: [to Wade
] That's a great haircut, Mercedes. I thought you graduated.
: So how's Santana? Brittany Pierce
: She's good. She's just really busy with cheerleading practice and it's hard making out over Skype. You can't really scissor a Webcam.
: Being popular felt too good. We forgot ourselves. Brittany Pierce
: Well, *I* didn't. I was always popular, but I do forget to wear underwear sometimes.
: Brittany, I'm sorry, but I won fair and square. You can't just decide not to sing anymore. We all need your voice. Brittany Pierce
: I had a song in my heart, Blaine Warbler, and you killed it. Now I have a dead song in my heart and pretty soon the corpse of my dead heartsong is going to start to smell.
: My favorite character is Brittany 'cause she's so dumb but she's so pretty and she can dance so well. Brittany
: I think it has a lot to do with my hair. 'Cause look at how long it is and how beautiful it is.
: I hope they have an overwhelming sensation about my boobs in "Slave". Because they are 3D and they look really good.
: I wanna be a Warbler really bad. And I would potentially shave my hair off so I can be a Warbler.
: [to Blaine
] Do you wanna make out? Kurt
: Brittany, are you flirting with my man?
: What's the Capital of Ohio? Brittany! Brittany Pierce
: [to Kurt
] The poster that you wanted gave me crippling depression. Kurt Hummel
: I wanted something toned down! Santana Lopez
: This is toned down. In the original, the unicorn was riding you.
: I'm also a unicorn. Maybe a bi-corn. Either way, I'm starting to believe in my own magic.
: [to Santana
] Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks?
: Anything else? Brittany
: Sometimes I forget my middle name.
: You're a really good dancer. Finn Hudson
: Um, thanks, but my feet weren't really moving. Brittany
: That was the best part.
: [during Glist interrogation
] I don't know how to turn on a computer.
: Um, excuse me. Why is she here? Brittany Pierce
: I've been here since first period. I had a cold, and I took all my antibiotics at the same time, and now I can't remember how to leave. But I also don't know why I've only made fourth on the Glist. I've made out with, like, everyone in this school. Girls, boys, Mr. Kidney the janitor.
: [before "Can't Touch This" in library
] I'm kind of getting cold feet here. Brittany Pierce
: Can you even feel your feet?
: Artie, you okay? Artie Abrams
: My life is over. How am I supposed to support a baby? How could you not tell me about this? Will Schuester
: Wait. Brittany, are you pregnant? Brittany Pierce
: Definitely. I am so sorry, Artie. I didn't want to upset you. I thought I could surprise you when it dropped him off. I'm pretty sure it's a boy. Noah 'Puck' Puckerman
: Umm. Babies don't get dropped off. Will Schuester
: Wait. Brittany, have you been to a doctor yet? That's the only way to be sure. Brittany Pierce
: I don't need to go to a doctor. I just need to look outside my window. Three days ago, a stork built its nest on top of my garage. I'm not stupid. It's obviously getting ready to bring me my baby. I know where babies come from.
: Hey Britt-Britt. So listen. How about you and I pop in some Sweet Valley High this evening and get our cuddle on? Brittany Pierce
: Look. I'd really like to get my sweet lady kisses on, but I haven't been feeling very sexy lately.
] Brittany Pierce
: I think I have a bun in the oven. Please don't tell anyone, okay? Especially Artie. Santana Lopez
: Yea, sure, your secret is safe with...
[cuts self off
] Santana Lopez
: Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant. Tina Cohen-Chang
: Oh my God, Brittany's pregnant! Noah 'Puck' Puckerman
: It was only a matter of time. Lauren Zizes
: For what? Noah 'Puck' Puckerman
: Brittany to get pregnant. Lauren Zizes
: Congratulations! Artie Abrams
: For what? Lauren Zizes
: Oh, you didn't hear? Your girlfriend's preggo! You're gonna be a baby daddy!
: Hi. Brittany Pierce
: Hey. Santana Lopez
: Can we talk? Brittany Pierce
: But we never do that. Santana Lopez
: Yeah, I know, but I wanted to thank you for performing that song with me in Glee Club. Because it's made me do a lot of thinking. And what I realized is why I'm such a bitch all the time. I'm a bitch because I'm angry. I'm angry because I have all of these feelings, feelings for you, that I'm afraid of dealing with because I'm afraid of dealing with the consequences. And Brittany, I can't go to an Indigo Girls concert. I just can't. Brittany Pierce
: I understand that. Santana Lopez
: Do you understand what I'm trying to say? Brittany Pierce
: No, not really. Santana Lopez
: I want to be with you, but I'm afraid of the talks and the looks. I mean, you know what happened to Kurt at this school. Brittany Pierce
: But, honey, if anybody were to ever make fun of you, you would either kick their ass or slash them with your vicious, vicious words. Santana Lopez
: Yea, I know, but I'm so afraid of what everyone will say behind my back. Still, I have to accept that I love you. I love *you*, and I don't want to be with Sam, or Finn, or any of those other guys. I just want you. Please say you love me back. Please. Brittany Pierce
: Of course I love you! I do! And I would totally be with you if it wasn't for Artie. Santana Lopez
] Artie? Brittany Pierce
: I love him, too. I don't want to hurt him, that's not right. I can't break up with him. Santana Lopez
: Yes, you can! He's just a stupid boy! Brittany Pierce
: But it wouldn't be right. Santana, you have to know, if Artie and I were to ever break up, and I'm lucky enough that you're still single, I'm so yours. *Proudly* so. Santana Lopez
] Yeah, well, wow. Whoever thought that for being fluid, you could be so stuck.
[Brittany tries to hug her
] Santana Lopez
: Get off me!
: I have pepperoni in my bra. Santana Lopez
: Those are your nipples!
: [to Santana & Brittany
] You guys are such suckers for going back to Sue Sylvester. Santana Lopez
: Come on, screw her. This is for us. We can win two National championships this year. We joined Cheerios together, we joined Glee club together, we all slept with Puckerman the same year. We're like besties for life. Brittany Pierce
: Yeah, come on, Quinn. We used to be the Three Musketeers. Now Santana and I are like Almond Joy and you're like a Jolly Rancher that fell in the ashtray.
: What is a duet? Brittany Pierce
: A blanket.
: I was going to order us one really, really long piece of spaghetti like in 'Lady and Tramp.' And I've been practicing nudging meatballs across the table with my nose.
: I don't wanna die yet. At least not until One Tree Hill gets cancelled.
: If we go to our cheerleading competition,then we miss the halftime show, and we're out of Glee Club. I'm torn. Santana Lopez
: Oh, I'm not. Brittany Pierce
: I'm Brittany.
: I thought you and Puck were dating? Santana Lopez
: Sex is not dating. Brittany
: Yeah, if it was, Santana and I would be dating.
: Look, we may still be Cheerios, but neither of us ever gave Sue the set list. Brittany
: Well... I did. But I didn't know what she was gonna do with it. Santana Lopez
: Okay, look... believe what you want, but no one's forcing me to be here. And if you tell anyone this, I'll deny it - but I like being in Glee Club. It's the best part of my day, okay? I wasn't gonna go and mess it up. Rachel Berry
: I believe you.
: How do you know for sure? You can't prove that there is no God. Kurt Hummel
: You can't prove there isn't a magic teapot floating around the dark side of the moon with a dwarf inside of it that reads romance novels and shoots lightning out of its boobs; but it seems pretty unlikely, doesn't it? Brittany Pierce
: Is God an evil dwarf?
: Now I know what Miley feels like.
: Who can tell me about Christopher Cross? Brittany Pierce
: He discovered America.
: I'd like to dedicate this song to my boyfriend, Finn. I was wrong. I shouldn't try to control you. I just... I've never been this happy before, and I realize that I was trying to hold on to how you were making me feel so much that I was strangling you in my hands like a little bird. I get now that in order for this relationship to work that I have to open up my hands to fly free. Brittany Pierce
: Finn can fly?
: Ladies! Vocal warm-ups can wait. I was up half the night thinking about our mash-up for the mash-off, and it came to me: Adele. Sugar Motta
: I sound just like her. Brittany Pierce
: I love her. I think she sounds like how banana cream pie sounds when it sings.
: Tornadoes are nature's most destructive force. These violent storms have ravaged America, crippling communities all across our land. Isn't it time we take a stand? If you honor me with being your next class president, I will make tornadoes illegal at McKinley, keeping you and your families at our school safe from their murderous rampages. Also, on Tuesdays, uh, I pledge to go topless.
: Okay guys, I've got one word for you. Brittany Pierce
: Is it 'love'? I'm totally going to graduate now!
: That's my man and his legs don't work!
: It's not that, it's that most of us don't know how to bake. I find recipes confusing.
: Is it true? Brittany Pierce
: No, of course not. Finn Hudson
: You're not leaving New Directions? Brittany Pierce
: Oh. I thought you were talking about Selena Gomez's pregnancy rumors.
: What's the point, Mr. Shue? Coach Sylvester's one of the judges, she's gonna crush us. Will Schuester
: Artie, you don't know that. Santana Lopez
: Yes we do, she told us at Cheerios practice. Brittany
: Yeah, she said "I'm going to crush Glee Club".
: Guys, you know, it's come to my attention that many of you haven't been treating the young ladies of our group very nicely lately. You're disrespectful, bullying, sexist, and, I hate to say it, misogynistic. Finn Hudson
: I have no idea what that means. Brittany
: When I pulled my hamstring, I went to a "misogynist".
: [after puking on Rachel at the assembly
] Everybody drink responsibly.
: Who can tell me what an Anthem is? Brittany Pierce
: It's the bottom of an Ant's pants. Will Schuester
: So close. So close.
: I'm paralyzed with fear. I've been here since 2nd period. I really really have to pee.
: What's your favorite songs of all time? Brittany Pierce
: "My Headband".
: I think my cat is reading my diary.
: [turns to address club
] Who know what a ballad is? Brittany
: It's a male duck.