Dr. Lance Sweets
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Quotes for
Dr. Lance Sweets (Character)
from "Bones" (2005)

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"Bones: The Conspiracy in the Corpse (#10.1)" (2014)
FBI Special Agent James Aubrey: There was a report of a gunshot, I knew he was here, so...
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Where is he?
[Bones sees Sweets on the ground, bleeding]
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Sweets!
Special Agent Seeley Booth: What happened?
FBI Special Agent James Aubrey: I don't know. I don't know. The paramedics are on their way.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Sweets, just relax. You're gonna be okay.
Dr. Lance Sweets: [With a tone of surprise and disorientation] Booth?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Yeah, I'm right here. Don't move.
[to Aubrey]
Special Agent Seeley Booth: He's not shot! I thought you said there were gunshots!
Dr. Lance Sweets: That was me, actually.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: You?
Dr. Lance Sweets: I shot him.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: He was hit in the nasion, the philtrum and the sternum, Booth.
[Quietly to Booth]
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Looks like massive internal trauma. He's bleeding out, Booth.
Dr. Lance Sweets: [Breathing and speech becoming more labored] Tell Daisy not to worry. She worries too much.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Of course. Don't talk now, Sweets.
Dr. Lance Sweets: [to Booth] I fought... I fought back. You'd be proud.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Sweets, don't talk. Why are you talking all the time? Bones said don't talk.
Dr. Lance Sweets: He... he got the document.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Doesn't matter right now. You're gonna be fine.
Dr. Lance Sweets: You, too. The world is a lot better than you think it is. It's...
[Bones checks Sweets for a pulse]
Special Agent Seeley Booth: N-No. No, no. You-you can start talking now, Sweets. Come on.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: [Crying] He's gone, Booth. He's gone.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: No, no. No, no. No. Come on, Sweets. Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Sweets! Sweets.

Special Agent Seeley Booth: [Daisy walks in] Wait a second
Daisy Wick: Agent Booth!
Special Agent Seeley Booth: You... you're... The two of you?
[to Sweets]
Special Agent Seeley Booth: You? Uh, you're gonna have...?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah
Daisy Wick: Lance and I bumped into each other a few times this past year and one of those bumps turned to a bump
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Wow, a baby! Why didn't you tell me?
Dr. Lance Sweets: I don't know, I... You just got out. I figured my life wasn't that important
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Seriously? Wow, that's amazing.

Dr. Lance Sweets: Well, I'm surprised you want an opinion from a psychologist
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: I don't! I want an opinion from a friend
Dr. Lance Sweets: Not Angela?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: You know Booth better, Sweets. And occasionally there is logic behind your pseudoscience that you practice
Dr. Lance Sweets: Wow, that's high praise coming from you. Thank you

Special Agent Seeley Booth: Thanks. Thank you, by the way. She told me you were there, you were there for her, you helped out with the move; you were there for Christine.
Dr. Lance Sweets: That's enough. You know what? It's nothing you wouldn't have done for me.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Sure

Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Booth is different.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I agree... He has a lot to deal with, after all that's happened - the incarceration, the attack, now... Booth suffered trauma before - war, abduction, confinement, even torture.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Yeah, but this is different. I've seen the injuries; the trauma is similar.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Physically, yeah. But not, according to my pseudoscience, psychologically. Booth is driven by his belief in honesty, in honor and service. Now, Booth's beliefs have been betrayed by the organization that he trusted, that he served.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: It's as if someone died. It's like Booth died.
Dr. Lance Sweets: In a sense, he has, you know?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: He doesn't know where he fits in anymore. He... he doesn't have an anchor, faith in something greater than himself.
Dr. Lance Sweets: That's good. Watch out, or you'll turn into a psychologist. Look, Booth is afraid of trusting again, it's natural. We just need to show him it's a risk worth taking.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: You're gonna be a good father, Sweets. You are.

Caroline Julian: Move fast, Cher. This is a Cinderella warrant. When Sanderson's attorneys find out about it, it'll turn into a pumpkin.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Great. Finally get to use my siren.

Dr. Lance Sweets: I fought... I fought back. You'd be proud.

Dr. Lance Sweets: You, too. The world is a lot better than you think it is.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: No. No, no. You can start talking now, Sweets. Come on
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: He's gone, Booth. He's gone.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: No, no. No, no. No. Come on, Sweets.

"The Finder: Bullets (#1.2)" (2012)
Dr. Lance Sweets: Have you ever contemplated suicide?
Leo Knox: During the darkest hours after the loss of my wife and child - yes, I did.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I meant Mr. Sherman.
Walter Sherman: Ah Hell, I can think of at least 10 people before I'd kill myself.

Walter Sherman: Say "Edible oil air sucks cheese sub product."
Dr. Lance Sweets: What?
[Walter takes Sweets's picture]

Dr. Lance Sweets: Suffer any memory loss?
Walter Sherman: Don't remember.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Have you ever tried to kill some flies with rubber bands?
Walter Sherman: Tried - no. Succeeded - yes.

Walter Sherman: Cause I'll die before I don't find something.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Do I really have to tell you that dying is not a healthy response?

Walter Sherman: Say you're a bad guy. You shoot at a cop. Cop shoots back. You got a bullet inside you. Can't go to the hospital, they report that sort of stuff. So where you gonna go?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Veterinarian!... I can evaulate and help, you know. I do it all the time at home.
Walter Sherman: Bad guy kills the vet to wipe the trail clean.
Deputy U.S. Marshal Isabel Zambada: Yeah, okay. I've got to admit. Sounds very Florida.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Do you now feel compelled to find this second bullet?
Walter Sherman: No.
Dr. Lance Sweets: That's good.
Walter Sherman: I feel impelled.
[Walter leaves]
Deputy U.S. Marshal Isabel Zambada: So... is that better?
Dr. Lance Sweets: No, not in the least.

Walter Sherman: Detective Coleman?
Henry Barns: Yeah?
Walter Sherman: Right now all we have is circumstantial evidence that you shot Hogan.
Walter Sherman: That was enough to put Ross on Death Row.
Walter Sherman: Well, if you shoot me, it's definite. You really want to kill me that badly?
Henry Barns: You're annoying as Hell! It might be worth it.
Walter Sherman: You think he's that crazy?
Dr. Lance Sweets: His eerie calm implies either fatalistic acceptance of his fate... or a psychotic break.
Walter Sherman: Eh. I'm gonna risk it.

Dr. Lance Sweets: How could you not wanna know? I mean, this is a whole murder mystery.
Deputy U.S. Marshal Isabel Zambada: Walter doesn't care about murder mysteries.
Walter Sherman: I really don't.
Leo Knox: Walter just likes to find things.
Deputy U.S. Marshal Isabel Zambada: Does that make Walter crazy?
Dr. Lance Sweets: I feel someone is crazy in all this. I just hope it's not me.

"Bones: Mayhem on a Cross (#4.20)" (2009)
Dr. Lance Sweets: Okay, what about the sexual component in their relationship?
Dr. Gordon Wyatt: Ah.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Would you agree that they have both sublimated their attraction to each other, out of fear of endangering their working relationship because their working relationship is paramount to both of them.
Dr. Gordon Wyatt: Alas, I'm afraid I wouldn't agree with that.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Wow... Which part?
Dr. Gordon Wyatt: With everything you just said. Yes, one of them is acutely aware of that attraction, struggles daily with it, in fact.

Special Agent Seeley Booth: [Watching from his offioe and speaking to Bones with an earbud] Okay listen, Bones, you just tell him you don't care if he did it or not, you'll just throw his ass in jail.
[Bones scoffs]
Special Agent Seeley Booth: It's all right to lie during an interrogation, it's a technique.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: The evidence is inconclusive regarding your guilt,
[rising up and starts yelling]
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: But I will damn well make sure it's conclusive!
Dr. Lance Sweets: Whoa. What?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Atta girl, give it to him.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: I will perjure myself if I have to because you... make... me... sick, punk!

Dr. Lance Sweets: "Scars on the back?"
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: I saw them, Sweets.
Dr. Lance Sweets: So... what? You just decided to share something from your past? That is so unlike you.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: I still hate psychology.

Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Gordon-Gordon is making cassoulet.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: It's stew. It's bean stew.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Cassoulet is better than regular stew.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Just because it's French doesn't mean it's better.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Sounds better than stew.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: See? It sounds better.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: It's stew

Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: [after sharing her own metaphorical scars, to Booth] Okay. Your turn. Go.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: I came here to bring Sweets back to my place for dinner, that's all.
[Brennan gives him a look]
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Okay, if it wasn't for my grandfather, I probably would've killed myself when I was a kid. That's all I'm going to say on the subject matter. Understand? Are you okay, Bones?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Yeah, I'm fine. Here.
[She folds up Booth's handkerchief and puts it in the front pocket of his suit over his heart, pressing her hand to it. She withdraws her hand and he presses his own hand to the handkerchief, holding his hand over his heart for a moment]
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: [to Sweets] Why are you nodding?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Nothing. Just... Wyatt made an observation about you two, and I think I just saw what he saw.

"Bones: The Hole in the Heart (#6.22)" (2011)
Dr. Lance Sweets: Dr. Brennan has been known to retreat into hyper rationalism in times of emotional turmoil which could very well result in
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Okay, even *I* want to slap you now.

Special Agent Genny Shaw: Maybe you should stay behind me.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Oh of course. I don't measure my manhood the same way you do... That came out wrong.

Dr. Lance Sweets: [Realizing Broadsky can see them] I hate this! I wish he'd shot us before we got this far... I'm saying everything wrong.

Special Agent Seeley Booth: He wants to kill. I don't. You know what? I'll do what I have to do.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I hope so. Because with you gone, you know, we're next.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: What?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Anybody on your team is against his team so...
Special Agent Seeley Booth: I should have shot in the back when I had the chance.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Professionally - I disagree. Personally - not so much.

Dr. Camille Saroyan: He meant to kill you.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: I'm the one who gave Vincent the phone. Told him to pick it up.
Dr. Lance Sweets: You didn't know. I mean there's no use...
Special Agent Seeley Booth: I don't blame myself, Sweets. I blame the guy who pulled the trigger.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Okay.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: You still have blood on your hands.
Angela Montenegro: ...Booth, she - she means literally.

"Bones: The Rocker in the Rinse Cycle (#5.19)" (2010)
Dr. Lance Sweets: I'm impressed.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Well, you've known me for two years, Sweets. You should be used to being impressed by me.

Dr. Lance Sweets: One quick question: bar fight who wins: Prince and the New Power Generation or Korn?
Simon Graham: Never mess with Prince.

Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: All we know is he was killed with his guitar.
Dr. Lance Sweets: [Sweets groans] With a '57 Gibson Les Paul? That's like whacking someone with the Mona Lisa.

Dr. Lance Sweets: Okay. To a true fan, the fact that Richard Cole was playing the ultimate guitar would be sacriligious. Profane, even. Fact that the killer put it back in Cole's room rather than destroy it further demonstrates his reverence for Rock-N-Roll.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: So you're saying music is the motive?
Dr. Lance Sweets: I know it's wrong, but I am liking our killer better than our victim.

Dr. Lance Sweets: Well, everything you've learned about the victim, uh... indicates that he was only interested in the external signifiers of the rock and roll lifestyle. Correct?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Yes. The clothes, the instruments, the groupers.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Groupies, Bones.

"Bones: The Critic in the Cabernet (#4.24)" (2009)
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Happy.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Sperm.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: [to Sweets] Sperm? Isn't this getting a little weird?
Dr. Lance Sweets: No. Keep going.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Okay. Egg.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: I want a baby.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Whoa!
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Horse.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Wait. Whoa. Whoa. Wait a minute.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah. We can stop here.

Dr. Lance Sweets: This is a well researched therapeutic technique, Agent Booth.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Oh really? This happens all the time? Patients asking for sperm.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah - no. Well not this specifically. Which is why some discussion is in order.

Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: I thought these sessions were meant for you to see how we interact as partners. How does this relate?
Dr. Lance Sweets: You're using Agent Booth to have a child. You don't see how that might relate to your partnership?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: It has nothing to do with our work.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Wow. Okay. Um. Let me just... organize my thoughts.

Dr. Lance Sweets: How can you two not see what's going on?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Sweets, what's the big deal? She was going to have a baby anyway, with Fisher. Fisher! Okay? What would you have done?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Again, what I would have done is irrelevant. You. *You* admitted to feeling anxiety.

Dr. Lance Sweets: The point of the exercise is not to explain, but to respond. Okay? Children can do this.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Because it's childish.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Can we just try it, please?

"Bones: The Beginning in the End (#5.22)" (2010)
Dr. Lance Sweets: Level 5 is extremely severe. You'd be classified as level 1.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Me?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah. Seen your office, your apartment, you cling.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: ...I don't cling, okay? I collect things. Big difference.

Dr. Jack Hodgins: [after spotting Angela's father outside] Okay, I saw him down there. I know you do not believe me, but I saw him.
Dr. Lance Sweets: No. I totally believe you. The man carries a black cat bone in his back pack.
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Oh God, help me!

Dr. Lance Sweets: So, uh, I'll help you get the car back.
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Really?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah. You know why? Because I'm Mr. Adventure.
Dr. Jack Hodgins: I'd rather you were Mr. Sneaky Ninja Killer Assassin. But hey, a guy can't be picky in this sidekick market.

Caroline Julian: Well, that's that then. They're free to go.
Dr. Lance Sweets: You don't think this success might make them change their minds?
Caroline Julian: You know what? You're a nice kid. But today is a good day for you to grow the hell up!

Angela Montenegro: Okay, so what I did was modify my mass recognition program -patent pending- to scan the photographic reconstruction of the crime scene, to find areas of comparatively less chaos.
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Awesome!
Dr. Camille Saroyan: You can understand what she's saying?
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Not in the least, but I am so turned on by her brain. I'd love to see her brain totally naked.
Dr. Lance Sweets: It's a terrible image. It's just terrible.

"Bones: The Drama in the Queen (#9.23)" (2014)
Dr. Lance Sweets: This is a body dump, Dr. Saroyan
Dr. Camille Saroyan: Okay, I'm impressed
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Wow, did he just Brennan you?
Dr. Camille Saroyan: I believe he did
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: What does it mean to Brennan someone? Is it a complement? Dr. Sweets seems to be very thorough
Dr. Lance Sweets: Thank you

Special Agent Seeley Booth: Okay, listen, take Bones with you
Dr. Lance Sweets: I don't need a babysitter
Special Agent Seeley Booth: I'm not saying that you need a babysitter, I'm just saying... look, you're doing a great job, you really are. Just take Bones so she can do her boney thing
Dr. Lance Sweets: Right, no I knew that

Dr. Lance Sweets: Well, we're colleagues
Jessica Warren: Okay. I was feeling that there for a minute, but I guess my Sweets-dar is way off!
Dr. Lance Sweets: No! I mean, look I... it's not that I don't like you. I mean I think you're very attractive...
Dr. Camille Saroyan: [Walks up to them] Dr. Sweets
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah?
Dr. Camille Saroyan: This is a lab, not speed dating!
Dr. Lance Sweets: No, we... eh, I needed to see if there's any new information about the case
Jessica Warren: And apparently I am irresistible. It's not his fault
Dr. Camille Saroyan: Then do him a favor and try to rein it in, miss Warren

Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Can you run a simulation, Angela?
Angela Montenegro: Hm, hm
Dr. Lance Sweets: [to Jessica] You're in for a treat
Jessica Warren: Are you talking about the case or you?

Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah, well, it's regulation. I gotta do everything by the book. I can't let Booth down.

"Bones: The Tough Man in the Tender Chicken (#5.6)" (2009)
Special Agent Seeley Booth: [Quietly] Everything okay there, Bones? I know when there's something wrong with you. Something's wrong, right? What can I do to help?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Angela and I had a fight.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: [Loudly] Nothing I can do to help!
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: You want to hear about it?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: No.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Why not?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Why? Because her and Angela are best friends. And Bones is gonna want me to take her side and agree that Angela was wrong. And then you know, the two of them are going to make up and then they're going to get mad at me. So no thank you.

Special Agent Seeley Booth: [Booth grabs Bones's hand as she's leaving] Whoa. Whoa. Listen Bones, everything's going to be okay between you and Angela. All right? You two are like sisters.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: I'm just... not used to not getting along with people.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Seriously? Because it seems like -
[the table thumps]
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Thanks Booth.

Angela Montenegro: Can I ask you something? What is wrong with everyone here?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Uh, well you had a falling out with your best friend over a pig. Your perspective is skewed. It's time to... reconnect with humanity. Gain a little perspective.
Angela Montenegro: All right, so... if I have sex, will you donate to save my pig?
Dr. Lance Sweets: ...That's not really the point I was trying to... We'll revisit the pig question.

Dr. Lance Sweets: Sometimes you don't save the world, Dr. Brennan... Sometimes you just make your friends happy.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Even when it's irrational?
[Looking at Angela's pig photo]
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: He is very... very cute. I mean it's almost like he's smiling.

Dr. Lance Sweets: If you combine your don't get between women rule and you're like sisters observation, you know what I come up with? You dated sisters.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: [Smiles] They were identical twins.
[Smile deepens. Laughs]
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Oh, and it was all wrong.
Dr. Lance Sweets: [Big smile, impressed] Oh! No. It's all right. It's all right.

"Bones: The Science in the Physicist (#4.18)" (2009)
Dr. Lance Sweets: You have a doctorate in physics from Princeton, right? Yet you work as a welder.
Broderick Mullins: Welding is a real job, unlike psychology.

Dr. Lance Sweets: Hodgins!
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Don't sneak up like that! I could put an eye out on my microscope.
Dr. Lance Sweets: You gotta run!

Dr. Jack Hodgins: [Speaking of Angela's father] I am *not* scared of him.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Okay. Okay. You know that whole-that whole "sell your soul at the crossroads" thing? I'm buying it! You gotta run for it man!
Angela Montenegro: I told you so.
[Angela leaves]
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah. You know what? I secretly had a thing for Angela, now it's gone! Like-like wiped from the memory banks.

Special Agent Seeley Booth: You know what? You're the only smart person I really like.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Thank you.
[They start to leave interrogation together]
Dr. Lance Sweets: What about me?
[the door closes]

Special Agent Seeley Booth: Okay, listen... We just gotta stop hanging out with geniuses because you're gonna figure out that I'm really stupid.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: What? Don't worry about that.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Hmm?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: I figured out a long time ago how stupid you are.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Hmm.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: What I just said is... true. And yet it... really sounded wrong. What I should say is that I don't care how stupid you are... It's not any better?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: No. No. Not at all.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: [the squints join them] Okay, well, there is intelligence which I have, and Mr. Nigel-Murray.
Vincent Nigel-Murray: Oh thank you.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: And Sweets, even though, his is so misdirected as to be meaningless.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Wow. Backhand full of knuckles with that compliment.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: And Hodgins... And Angela... not so much, but she's very talented.
Angela Montenegro: Thank you very much.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: You're welcome. But then there's another quality. Which is the ability to use intelligence. That is what you have.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Thanks Bones.

"Bones: The Dwarf in the Dirt (#5.7)" (2009)
Dr. Lance Sweets: [as he's about to interrogate a suspect] Would you like to accompany me?
Dr. Gordon Wyatt: To what end?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Double teamed by a psychologist *and* a chef. It'll be epic!

Dr. Lance Sweets: Running away from the FBI is always suspect.
Todd Moore: I'm Canadian. My work Visa expired a week ago. I thought you were going to ship me back to Sudbury. Have you ever been to Sudbury? You would've run too!

George Alano: You don't mind me saying, neither one of you looks like a cop. You look like a substitute teacher and fry cook.
Dr. Gordon Wyatt: "A fry cook?"
Dr. Lance Sweets: We're not cops. We're professional interrogators.
Dr. Gordon Wyatt: Nobody's a fry cook!
Dr. Lance Sweets: [Indicating observation] The cops are in there.
Dr. Gordon Wyatt: Yes. In case you annoy us, and we want an arrest made! Any more cracks about fry cooks and I'll have them come in here to rough you up!

Dr. Lance Sweets: Do I even have the *right* to publish my book? And make public what these two can't admit to themselves.
Dr. Gordon Wyatt: Don't ask me. I'm just a chef.
[Sweets groans]
Dr. Gordon Wyatt: I gave up the game *precisely* so I don't have to face that kind of dilema.

"Bones: The Princess and the Pear (#4.14)" (2009)
Special Agent Payton Perotta: Booth is right, you're like a portable polygraph.
Dr. Lance Sweets: He didn't mean that in a good way though, did he?

Dr. Lance Sweets: You feel the need to be in control don't you, Ms Daniels.
Valerie Daniels: I'd like to control you if you're up for it.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Oh I assure you, I'm not! And your attempt to regain self-esteem through sexual intimidation will not repair the dysfunctional relationship you had with your father: abandonment, abuse, indifference.

Dr. Lance Sweets: We need someone who blends in. Someone who looks like they belong there.
Colin Fisher: [singing along to his music] "I drug your ghost across the country. And plotted out my death in every city. Memories would whisper. Here is where you rest."
[Notices everyone staring at him]
Colin Fisher: What's wrong now?

Special Agent Payton Perotta: Sweets, it's *fake* money! Okay? Just do it!
Dr. Lance Sweets: 500!

"Bones: The Wannabe in the Weeds (#3.14)" (2008)
Dr. Lance Sweets: You have an irrational prejudice against psychology. Probably because of some emotions so complicated for you to deal with.
[starts playfully poking Bones]
Dr. Lance Sweets: And I poked and prodded them which makes them real and painful.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: And yet I feel no pain. Just a sort of disinterest. So why don't you take your powers of observation and focus them on her?

Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: So do you think she killed him?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Well
Dr. Lance Sweets: there's no question she's deluded. She truly *believes* he was going to marry her. And she was setting herself up for a tragic ending.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Tragic?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Well one way to ensure he didn't leave her...
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Would be to kill him.

Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Hodgins. You are the guitar player. Zack, you are Tommy.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Re-enactment. Facinating.
Dr. Zack Addy: Not for me. I'm always the one that gets killed.
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Dude, you're the singer. Singer was the vic.

Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: [Sweets is trying to convince Bones to get up and sing] Really? What about you?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Hey, I will be singing "Lime in the Coconut" after you, and you will be extremely impressed... as was my abnormal psychology class in college. This opportunity is a gift from.... Agent Booth. Trust yourself, trust your friends, and let 'er rip!

"Bones: The Gamer in the Grease (#5.9)" (2009)
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Guess you realize that being this excited about a sci fi movie will drastically cut down the number of women who will sleep with us.
Colin Fisher: Oh, I'm into the high double digits, sex-wise. So, not worried.
Dr. Lance Sweets: You're closing in on - a hundred?
Colin Fisher: Mm-hmm.

Angela Montenegro: You boys are not allowed to watch movies on my monitor.
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Angela, this is *so* much more than a movie.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah. I mean, we're sorry but this screen is so *big*.
Colin Fisher: You get porn on this thing?
Angela Montenegro: Get out! OUT!

Dr. Lance Sweets: Um, I'm sorry, I gotta make a call.
Tory Payne: Would it help you get over this girlfriend thing if maybe you saw my tattoos again?

Dr. Lance Sweets: [On his cellphone] I - where are you guys? I need backup.
Dr. Jack Hodgins: You told me to get lost. So now I have to test the tensile strength of...
Dr. Lance Sweets: Just, please! I need to be released. Relieved - please.
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Yeah. Sorry doctor. Oh, and uh, save me a meat tart. Bye now.
[Hodgins hangs up]

"Bones: The Verdict in the Story (#3.13)" (2008)
Dr. Lance Sweets: Dr. Brennan everyone you work with, including your therapist...
Special Agent Seeley Booth: *Former* therapist.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Is endevoring to imprison your father. That's wicked stressful.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Booth is right. It doesn't bother me.
Dr. Lance Sweets: No, Booth is wrong. *Yes*, it does.

Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: I'm fine.
Dr. Lance Sweets: If you were fine, you'd be balled up in a corner, weeping or semi-catatonic.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: [turning to Booth] Does that sound fine to you?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: I'm sorry, Bones, but I'm going to have to agree with Sweets on this one.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I think it's important for you to know that *we* know that the colder more objective you appear on the outside, the more pain you feel on the inside.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: I'm fine!
Dr. Lance Sweets: No, you're not!

Special Agent Seeley Booth: I just think he doesn't want to admit that he likes us.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Do you like us?
Dr. Lance Sweets: What?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: And he wants to spend time with us.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Is that true, Sweets? You like us?
Special Agent Seeley Booth, Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: [singing] He really likes us.
Dr. Lance Sweets: All right, you know what? I'm sorry I made the offer. I take it back. Forget it!

Caroline Julian: Is he capable of murder?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Like, totally.
[Caroline gives him a look]
Dr. Lance Sweets: Most definitely. Um, in his own way, Max Keenan is a very impressive man.
Caroline Julian: What do you mean, "In his own way"?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Well, Max Keenan doesn't adhere to an external ethical system.
Caroline Julian: He does what he wants.
Dr. Lance Sweets: No. He does what he thinks is right, whether or not the rest of the world agrees. In another time, he could have been a great leader.
Caroline Julian: You mean in a time when people conked each other on the head and lit them on fire as a way of getting what they want.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yes.
Caroline Julian: Is Max Keenan dangerous?
Dr. Lance Sweets: When he feels his loved ones are threatened? Mega dangerous.
Caroline Julian: In your opinion, if Max Keenan felt that he was threatened or his family was threatened, could he do this?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Totally.
[he pauses to look at the picture of the victim on the screen]
Dr. Lance Sweets: I mean, indubitably.
Caroline Julian: Without hesitation?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Without hesitation, without remorse, without guilt.

"Bones: The Blackout in the Blizzard (#6.16)" (2011)
Dr. Lance Sweets: Oh and here - for light.
[Starts to pass down a menorah]
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: DON'T!
Special Agent Seeley Booth: SWEETS!
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Don't move!
Dr. Lance Sweets: What? It's a menorah.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Do you know what would've happened to your arm if the elevator would've started moving again?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Extensive trauma to your radius and ulna. Perhaps even spontaneous amputation.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I feel... a little sick.

Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Knell down. I'll show you.
[Bones forces Booth to his knees]
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Oh, hello. Uh do-do you want to get on my shoulders.
Dr. Lance Sweets: [Sweets enters] Hey, Mrs. Ross sent some snacks.
[Sweets notices the position they're in]
Dr. Lance Sweets: Hello.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Hello. Why is everyone saying "hello?"
Dr. Lance Sweets: Uh... I'm sorry. Should I - is this a bad -?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Hello. She wants to sit on my shoulders.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Traditionally, people do that the other way around.

Dr. Lance Sweets: I know you two have been forthcoming about your feelings for each other in the past.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: And the past is the past.
Dr. Lance Sweets: But as a couple...
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: No, Booth and I are not a couple.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I understand. I'm just saying...
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Stop! Just stop. Listen to my words:... It... is... over!
Dr. Lance Sweets: Agent Booth, I just think that
[Booth throws a bag of frozen peas at Sweets]
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Don't ever mention Hanna again. You understand?

Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Booth needs to say something to you.
Dr. Lance Sweets: No he doesn't.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Yeah. Right. About earlier - look, I'm sorry.
Dr. Lance Sweets: It's okay.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Thanks.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: What? What's okay? Booth didn't say anything.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: We're guys.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Everything's fine now, Dr. Brennan.

"Bones: The Perfect Pieces in the Purple Pond (#4.4)" (2008)
Dr. Lance Sweets: You know you'll only be released from this Psychiatric Institution if we cure you of your delusion.
Dr. Zack Addy: I was *wrong*, not delusional.
Orderly: [Orderly opens the door for Sweets] You card must've expired, Dr. Sweets.
Dr. Lance Sweets: [to Orderly] Thank you.
[to Zack]
Dr. Lance Sweets: Well perhaps you should consider that your delusion is that you're not delusional.

Special Agent Seeley Booth: Sweets, what are you doing?
Dr. Lance Sweets: I'm putting myself in the mind of an obsessive compulsive in order to figure out where I might conceal a... memory enhancer, a psycho-sexual proxy.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Right. Right. What's that mean?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Masturbatory aid.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Oh, check the shoes.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Good.
[Starts checking the shoes]
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: WHAT? You're not going to find it in the shoes.
[Sweets holds up something]
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Do all boys keep their masturbatory aids in their shoes or is that particular to *you*?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: That's for me to know and you to find out.

Dr. Lance Sweets: [Booth is about to enter his car] Wait... What if he... look I don't know what if he overpowers me?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Zack?
Dr. Zack Addy: I'm much stronger than I look.
Dr. Lance Sweets: He's done it before. He killed a man.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Okay. Zack, promise you're not gonna kill Sweet.
Dr. Zack Addy: I promise.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: There you go.
[Goes to his car]
Dr. Zack Addy: [dejectedly] Yeah.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: [slight chuckle] There you go.

Dr. Lance Sweets: You have to let me tell the truth.
Dr. Zack Addy: You can't tell anyone without my permission... We should go in, I don't want to get you in trouble.

"Bones: The Feet on the Beach (#6.17)" (2011)
Dr. Lance Sweets: You forged Michelle's application and applied to Columbia?
Dr. Camille Saroyan: Could you not say that as though I'd killed three people?

Dr. Lance Sweets: I can't help you.
Dr. Camille Saroyan: Why not? Some sort of professional code of ethics?
Dr. Lance Sweets: My own personal code of ethics. You should consider putting one together of your own.
Dr. Camille Saroyan: SHUT UP!
Dr. Lance Sweets: Excuse me?
Dr. Camille Saroyan: You know you have never had to put someone else's well being above your own - not ever! Well, I am a mother! Okay? And if I have to get my hands dirty to get my child ahead - I will!
Dr. Lance Sweets: What kind of example are you setting for Michelle?

Dr. Douglas Filmore: Confrontation's not a natural state for me. I'm... Canadian.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Canadian or afraid?

"Bones: The Beaver in the Otter (#4.23)" (2009)
Special Agent Seeley Booth: What they gotta do is build their frontal lobe with exercise. That comes from doing the wrong thing.
Dr. Lance Sweets: So your theory is: you've got to be bad to be good?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Exactly. Facts of life my friend.

Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: I have to admit, I'm impressed that you picked her out of a crowd. How did you do it?
Dr. Lance Sweets: You're not going to believe me anyway. Just going to say I guessed. So have it your way, I guessed.
[Sweets starts to leave]
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: No. I don't think you're serious. I'd like to know what you saw.
[the door closes]

Dr. Lance Sweets: Do you guys compare penis sizes too?
Eli Rounder: Only if we're drunk and already naked.
[the frat bothers look at him]
Eli Rounder: Guys we agreed...

"Bones: The Body in the Bag (#6.10)" (2011)
Dr. Lance Sweets: [Sweets is on a treadmill] Well, you know, if this is on your mind then you should tell Hannah.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Bones and Hannah are friends now. I mean, isn't that what secrets are for? Hey, maybe you could just give me something to make me stop feeling guilty.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Well, perhaps this is difficult because you still have feelings for Dr. Brennan.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: What? No. No. You know what? This was a bad idea. I'll talk to Hannah myself, okay?
[Booth starts to leave]
Dr. Lance Sweets: All right.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: [Booth returns & starts working the treadmill controls] Tell you what. Stop bringing up me and Bones, okay?
[the treadmill speeds up. Booth walks away]
Dr. Lance Sweets: What are you doing? Why can't I turn this down? What did you do to this thing? Somebody. Somebody!

Dr. Lance Sweets: So it wasn't just a handbag. It's symbolic of betrayal. It would only be natural to seek revenge - for a handbag?
Nicole Twist: Chanel? You bet. And I did. I defriended her right then and there!
[Starts sobbing]
Nicole Twist: Now she's gone - and I just want her back. I want to friend her again.

Dr. Lance Sweets: [as Sweets and Booth are watching videos] Does this qualify as porn or work?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: There's an overlap.

"Bones: The Twisted Bones in the Melted Truck (#6.8)" (2010)
Dr. Lance Sweets: Parker could be angry because he senses how much Hannah means to you and feels that you don't want him to meet her.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: But I do. I just want it to be right. I want it to be perfect time.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Right. Do you think there is such a thing?

Kathy Lyford: Look, I already told that Booth guy and I were in debt. Why do I have to keep going through this?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Well, the FBI feels that I can provide some perspective.
Kathy Lyford: You're a shrink. You guys make things up.

Kathy Lyford: Me and Randy just sort of happened. But I am a good teacher.
Dr. Lance Sweets: No. No, actually you're not. Does Randy love you?
Kathy Lyford: I don't know. I don't...
Dr. Lance Sweets: He's young, Mrs. Lyford. Too young to deal with this situation you put him in. You know, it's possible he thought if he killed your husband, you two could be together more permanently.
Kathy Lyford: God, I...
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah. You're really not a good teacher.

"Bones: The Mastodon in the Room (#6.1)" (2010)
Daisy Wick: When I left, you and I weren't really precise on where we were as a couple.
Dr. Lance Sweets: You flushed me, Daisy. I mean how - how much more clearer could it be?
Daisy Wick: Just to be clear, in your mind, we're no long engaged?
Dr. Lance Sweets: WHAT? No.

Dr. Lance Sweets: Daisy just wants to pick up where we left off, and I don't know whether to...
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Move on.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah. Like you did.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: You know what? You aked my opinion, right? I'm going to give it to you. Listening? Give yourself a chance to be happy. Move on.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Did that work for you?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Yeah. It did. It did.

Dr. Lance Sweets: [Bones want to know why none of her former interns are available] Vincent Nigel-Murray? He won a million dollars on Jeopardy, took an around the world trip.
Dr. Camille Saroyan: Mr. Vaziri, switched majors from forensics to cultural anthropology, he's interning at Baghdad Museum.
Caroline Julian: Fisher checked into a clinic with a case of the "hopeless vapors". Dr. Edison took a position in Chicago.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: What about Wendell?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Last I heard, working in a repair shop.

"Bones: The Santa in the Slush (#3.9)" (2007)
Dr. Lance Sweets: I don't understand has there been some kind of crisis?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Yes. I have a crisis.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: [quietly] Bones, it was just mistletoe.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: ...Not the kiss. That was nothing.
Dr. Lance Sweets: You *kissed*?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Mistletoe.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: That's not the crisis.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Was there tongue?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: All right, you know what? Get your own sex life.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: That has nothing to do with sex.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Nothing.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: No.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: There was no s- It was mistletoe.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Totally sexless.

Dr. Lance Sweets: I don't understand, has there been some kind of crisis?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Yes, I have a crisis.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Bones, it was just mistletoe.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Not the kiss, that was nothing.
Dr. Lance Sweets: You kissed?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: *Mistletoe.*
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: That's not the crisis.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Was there tongue?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Alright, you know what, get your own sex life.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: [Scoffs] That has nothing to do with sex.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Nothing.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: No.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: There was no... it was... mistletoe.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: It was totally sexless.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I'm all ears.

Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Booth, who is a very honest person, says that at this time of year deception is necessary for the happiness of little children.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: No, I'm being misquoted.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Booth is absolutely right.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: She got the gist...
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah, there's a fictional element to Christmas.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: You mean the whole 'Birth of a Savior' rigamarole.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: It is *not* rigamarole.
Dr. Lance Sweets: No, no. Dr. Brennan, it's the feeling of Christmas. What people call the Christmas spirit. It's a kind of dream or hope we carry with us from childhood. But as adults...
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Are you including you in that?
Dr. Lance Sweets: As adults we're imbued by the pragmatic ruitines of life, which makes it difficult for us to regard anything with childlike wonder. But, you know, it's alright for us to try. We put on silly hats, and drape trees with sparkly lights, and wrap gifts in garish paper, and that's good for us. It's not only alright for us to allow children the transient experience of innocence and joy, it's our responsibility.
[Bones and Booth contemplate that for a bit]
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Okay.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Okay?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: I found that very helpful.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: [Scoffs] It's what I've been saying for the past four days.

"Bones: The Crack in the Code (#7.6)" (2012)
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Here's one that's in our price range. "Adoreable fixer-upper with natural landscaping."
Dr. Lance Sweets: No, no, no, no. That mean a small house with weeds. Bring your own bulldozer.

Special Agent Seeley Booth: Listen Bones, this guy's really dangerous. I don't...
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Sweets already explained. I'm not going out in the field.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Wait. Seriously? You were listening?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Given the demands of a growing fetus. I'll focus on the lab. *And* the Real Estate section.

Dr. Lance Sweets: You did it. But you couldn't have done it. It's quantum indeterminancy.

"Bones: Fire in the Ice (#4.12)" (2009)
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: [watching Booth's Hockey game] I do not know how I feel about this.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Very primal.
Dr. Camille Saroyan: I like it! Just a little too much.

Special Agent Payton Perotta: Do you feel you experience as a child of an abusive alcoholic has made you more prone to violence?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: ...Excuse me.
[Booth leaves interrogation and goes into the Oberservation room]
Special Agent Seeley Booth: What the hell are you doing here?
Dr. Lance Sweets: It's part of my job to assist the interrogating agent.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: You know I didn't murder anyone, Sweets! All right? So what you're doing right now is studying me!
Dr. Lance Sweets: That's part of our agreement too.

Dr. Lance Sweets: Underneath your affable exterior is a deep reservoir of rage. My question is: Do you always have that under control?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: You know, if I didn't, you'd be dead right now instead of just wincing!
Dr. Lance Sweets: I'm not wincing.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Don't ever bring my old man up again!

"Bones: The Carrot in the Kudzu (#9.18)" (2014)
Angela Montenegro: Look at this picture she posted.
Dr. Lance Sweets: What, she Photoshopped herself into that?
Angela Montenegro: It's crazy, right?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Uh, a grown woman obsessed with a giant, orange phallic symbol? Yeah, I'm comfortable calling her crazy.

Special Agent Seeley Booth: Well, she definitely suffers from celebrity worship syndrome
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Celebrity worship syndrome? What is that? Is that even a real thing?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah, it's an obsessive addictive disorder. I'll get you the literature on it, if you want
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Nah, I'll take your word for it

Dr. Lance Sweets: Hey, so I found duck poo, pig bristle and goat hairs in the kudzu run off
Angela Montenegro: Why do you get to have all the fun?

"Bones: The Devil in the Details (#5.14)" (2010)
Dr. Adam Copeland: Staff. I'm good with that. Patients. These are damaged people, Agent Booth. Their hold on reality is tenuous.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Well, that's why we brought our own psychologist.
Dr. Adam Copeland: *You're* Dr. Sweets?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Mm-hmmm.
Dr. Adam Copeland: You sounded more experienced on the phone.
[Booth chuckles]

Special Agent Seeley Booth: I brought Sweets along so he can sift through all the crazy asses at the loony bin, see if any of them are homicidal.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I'm an excellent loony bin crazy ass sifter.

Dr. Lance Sweets: [while looking at Neviah's painting] Oh, okay. Wow. That's, uh... I'm gonna need another word for fascinating.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Creepy?

"Bones: The Parts in the Sum of the Whole (#5.16)" (2010)
Dr. Lance Sweets: You kissed?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Yes.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: There was tongue contact.
Dr. Lance Sweets: My book is crap!

Dr. Lance Sweets: One of you has to have the courage to break this stalemate.
[Sweets looks at Booth]
Dr. Lance Sweets: You. It's gotta be *you*. Because you're the gambler. For once, make that work for you.

Dr. Lance Sweets: You called evidence crap. And she basically called you stupid.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: We were feeling each other up. Like a honeymoon period.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Out. We were feeling each other out.

"Bones: The Death of the Queen Bee (#5.17)" (2010)
Dr. Lance Sweets: So this is Evelyn Simms. Wow, Homecoming Queen, Cheerleading Captain, President of the Girls Service Club. Girl like that, she wouldn't have given me the time of day. Which, cf course, make her that much hotter.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Sweets, I'm sure you really didn't want to say that out loud, right?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Slipped out.

Dr. Lance Sweets: [Talking about Ray Buxley, played by Robert Englund] He's creepy, like Freddy creepy.

Dr. Lance Sweets: Now this first victim Sarah Tidwyler was a member of the class of 94?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: And the second victim was killed just before the reunion of the same class that doesn't sound like a coincidence to me. Cops here agreed to keep everything quiet until we ID the victim and catalog the evidence.
Dr. Lance Sweets: And this Ray Buxley was a prime suspect in 94?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Yeah, he was high school custodian, but they didn't have enough to hold him.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Lives alone, low status job, obsession with gruesome crime stories, surrounded by teenage girls. Very creepy. It's like Freddy creepy.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Yeah, well I'm gonna go check him out.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Since you're trying to keep the town from another wave of collected hysteria, I wouldn't suggest announcing your FBI-status.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: We go undercover!
Dr. Lance Sweets: Exactly.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Since Bones was already invited to the reunion, we get more information if sh's seen as an alumni.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Alumna, yes.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Yeah, great. Correcting my Latin; not the best way to make friends.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Sorry.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Great, OK. see you later Sweets.

"Bones: The Pain in the Heart (#3.15)" (2008)
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: You think I don't recognize an experiment when I see one? You experimented on us!
Dr. Lance Sweets: Beg you pardon?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Not telling me Booth was alive, you wanted to quantify our reactions for your research. You took advantage of us. Booth and I agreed to let you observe us. We did not agree to be used as lab rats. So you *better* cut it out!
Dr. Lance Sweets: Dr. Brennan why are you talking so fast?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Because if Booth hears why you did what you did, he'd beat you up.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Don't you think that would be an overly aggressive act?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Not at all. So you better not do it again!

Dr. Lance Sweets: So you didn't tell her to leave? You just sat there naked?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: It was my own bathroom, okay? What do you wear in the tub? Floaties?

Dr. Lance Sweets: This is fierce wretched.

"Bones: The Pinocchio in the Planter (#6.20)" (2011)
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: I see no reason why telling the truth would be considered aggressive.
Dr. Lance Sweets: It is when you do it without exception. I mean the small fiction that we call "white lies" play a crucial role in human interactions.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: It's the glue that holds us together.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: How? A world without lies would be far more efficient.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: If-if no one had any feelings but people do.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Do you lie to me?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: No, Bones. I don't.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I would argue you're doing it right now.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Oh?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Okay, fine. I am. It's not a big deal.

Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Is it possible for a lawyer to be entirely honest?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Well, a group dedicated to exploring the truth is likely to attract individuals who make a habit of lying on a daily basis.

Special Agent Seeley Booth: [Bones' car is parallel parking itself] What are you doing?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Whoa! Ghost driver!
Special Agent Seeley Booth: How did you do that?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: It's called "Intelligent Parking Assist". The car guides itself into the parking spot.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Wow! Look at that, huh? Does it solve murders?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: [Deadpan] Of course not.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Good. I like my job.

"Bones: The Shallow in the Deep (#6.6)" (2010)
Special Agent Seeley Booth: [after finding Sweets and Daisy having sex] Can you sign this?
[Hands Sweets a form]
Dr. Lance Sweets: ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Sign. Just sign and get back to your fun.

Special Agent Seeley Booth: [sigh] Age. How is it I went to sleep Han Solo and woke up Obi Wan Kenobi?
Dr. Lance Sweets: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Dr. Lance Sweets: Okay, since you both saw the incident. I've decided to take Agent Booth's advice. Anyway, even though Daisy and I aren't dating, I've decided we can still enjoy each other's company. Casually. Once in a while.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: I'm not sure why I should care. Are you planning on have sex somewhere that I will witness it?
Dr. Lance Sweets: I hope not.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Then I definitely don't care.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: I'm with her.

"Bones: The Truth in the Myth (#6.18)" (2011)
Dr. Lance Sweets: Believers in superstitions like these, they turn to illogical explanations as a way of deriving control in a frightening and uncertain world.
Nadine Tweed: They're nuts.
Dr. Lance Sweets: That's a more succinct way of putting it.

Dr. Lance Sweets: The FBI's convinced that the whole attack was faked. That there's no such thing the chupacabra.
Terry Bemis: There's ample literature that proves otherwise.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Is this your own self-published literature we're talking about?
Terry Bemis: It doesn't matter. With all the media frenzy over Coleman's death, those woods are like Grand Central Station. I'm sure the chupacabra has long since fled. It's like the Loch Ness fiasco all over again.

Dr. Lance Sweets: It's my job to determine whether you're capable of murdering and mutilating a human being.
Randy Shepard: A guy would have to be crazy to do something like that, right?
Dr. Lance Sweets: What do you think?
Randy Shepard: Yeah, I guess so. I'm not crazy so I couldn't have done it.

"Bones: The Bones on the Blue Line (#5.15)" (2010)
Dr. Lance Sweets: You didn't have to give me a lift. I have a car.
Dr. Jack Hodgins: You saw someone die, Sweets. You don't just go on with your day after something like that.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Right, of course. I was just... you know, I thought, if I could help other people...
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Yes. But well sometimes you can't.

Dr. Lance Sweets: I just don't - I don't want to disappear - without living the life I want to live.

Dr. Lance Sweets: You're gonna think I'm stupid for saying this but the - whole thing... felt like a message.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Right. Believe in messages.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah, it's like a message. "Go ye forth and live life to the fullest." Something like that.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: "Live life to the fullest." People should do that more often: moment-to-moment, day-to-day, but they don't.

"Bones: The Secret in the Soil (#3.4)" (2007)
Dr. Lance Sweets: There is clearly a very deep emotional bond between you two.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: We're just partners.
Dr. Lance Sweets: And why do you think I would have thought otherwise?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Cause, you're 12.

Dr. Lance Sweets: Let's talk about conflict. When you guys argue, how do you come to a resolution?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: We don't argue.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Come on! Remember?
[indicates his office]
Dr. Lance Sweets: Zone of truth. Right here.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Fine. We might... bicker a little bit, but that's not arguing.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Bicker? I don't bicker!
Special Agent Seeley Booth: No? What about the whole environmentalism thing?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: That was a discussion.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: You pretty much told me my penis was gonna shrink if I didn't eat organic food.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: That's not bickering. That's being a good friend.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: My penis is just fine, thank you.

Dr. Lance Sweets: Now, we've got a lot to work on over the next few months.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Meaning we get to stay together?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yes.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: [to Bones] I'm sensing a but.
Dr. Lance Sweets: However...
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: [to Booth] Same as a but.

"Bones: The Double Death of the Dearly Departed (#4.21)" (2009)
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Okay, we stole Hank's body in order to confirm he was murdered.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan, Special Agent Seeley Booth: Translated!
Dr. Lance Sweets: You're totally yanking my chain!

Dr. Lance Sweets: Wow. He's really dead.
Dr. Camille Saroyan: That happens here in the autopsy room.

Dr. Jack Hodgins: Fugu!
Dr. Lance Sweets: That's really not very nice.
[leaves, insulted]

"Bones: The Babe in the Bar (#6.7)" (2010)
Special Agent Seeley Booth: [Sweets is eating a chocolate bar] Do you have to eat that? I just imagine you chomping down on her cheek or something. Just put it away.
Dr. Lance Sweets: If we don't face and overcome unsettling events in our lives, we are ruled by them. I'm not gonna let some ruthless killer destroy my enjoyment of chocolate. It's not gonna happen. I love chocolate too much.
[Booth grabs Sweets's chocolate bar]
Dr. Lance Sweets: Come on! I was about to get to the nuts.

Dr. Lance Sweets: The late teens and early twenties are a time for experimentation and growth. And you know, making a few mistakes, is just part of the process.
Dr. Camille Saroyan: Oh! You're making it worse!

Dr. Camille Saroyan: And I suppose you wouldn't get in the way of her decisions.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Oh I wouldn't get in her way period.

"Bones: The X in the File (#5.11)" (2010)
Dr. Lance Sweets: [On the laptop] Sometimes, I think you just pull me into these interrogations to show off.
[Booth starts to close the laptop]
Dr. Lance Sweets: Wait Booth I...

Dr. Jack Hodgins: I'm a better man than this...
Dr. Jack Hodgins: I want to be happy for them, you know. I really do.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Well, it's easier for us to accept loneliness, as long as the person we were once with is also alone.

Dr. Lance Sweets: Do you want Angela back?... I don't think you're jealous. I think that you're grieving what you've lost.
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Grieving? As in grief?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yes.
Dr. Jack Hodgins: The only thing that cures grief is time. Unless you're recommending a lot of alcohol.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I can't really recommend alcohol.
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Man, it'd be great if you could though. Right?
[Hodgins laughs]

"Bones: The Skull in the Sculpture (#4.7)" (2008)
Dr. Lance Sweets: [Sitting together at a restaurant over dinner helping Angela work out her feelings and how she should go about her pursuing a her relationship with Roxie] It's exactly the same situation as the last time you were sitting here. Except, you know, you're quieter.
Angela Montenegro: No, that was about Hodgins. This is about Roxie.
Dr. Lance Sweets: [Loudly] You want to have sex with Roxie!
Angela Montenegro: What was that about quieter?
Dr. Lance Sweets: I'm sorry, I'm not certain you're being guided by your brain, that's all. Need can be confused with love. Fantasy can convince us that what we are feeling is love.
Angela Montenegro: So, you're saying is that this is all rebound?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah.
Angela Montenegro: No, you don't understand love, Sweets.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I'm not as innocent as you might think.
Angela Montenegro: You have this bourgeois notion...
Dr. Lance Sweets: Bourgeois?
Angela Montenegro: ...that in order for love to be real it has to be permanent. Nothing is permanent. That's just a fact. We move in and out of loving other people, but that doesn't make the love any less real.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Mm-hmm, perhaps you're saying this because you haven't met the love of your life.
Angela Montenegro: I have actually. Many times.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Fine. It seems to me that you always leave yourself an escape hatch in your relationships, because you afraid of commitment.
Angela Montenegro: Nice try. But no. Actually, I commit to every person I love.
Dr. Lance Sweets: You marry a man and then conveniently forget that you married him because you got zonked on Kava Kava. That compromises your relationship with Hodgins so that ends, along with the marriage. Now you say you have these intense feelings for an ex-lover whose heart you've already broken. Don't you see the potential disaster here?
Angela Montenegro: Look, you said that, without the possibility of pain, there can be no joy, no real love.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I said that? That's beautiful.
Angela Montenegro: Look... I don't want to hurt Roxie again.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Then Don't. Don't. Put her welfare first. Let Roxie decide if she's ready to pursue this relationship.
Angela Montenegro: Okay. And what if she doesn't?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Then I'm afraid you'll have to live with that pain.

Special Agent Seeley Booth: What's going on?
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Sweets is firing Daisy for us.
Dr. Camille Saroyan: We're wondering what his method will be.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: He'll explain to her logically that this environment is not conducive for either her or us and, as a scientist, she'll realize that he's right.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: No, Sweets is a lot sneakier than that. He'll use some kind of psychological Jedi mind trick to make her think it was her idea to quit.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?
Daisy Wick: The bad first.
Dr. Lance Sweets: You're toast here. Nobody wants to work with you.
Daisy Wick: Why?
Dr. Lance Sweets: You know why, Daisy. There are some things that you have to work on when it comes to interpersonal relations.
Daisy Wick: Does anybody like me?
Dr. Lance Sweets: No, I'm afraid not.
Daisy Wick: What's the good news?
Dr. Lance Sweets: There's absolutely no reason for us to be discreet about our relationship anymore.

Roxie Lyon: [Being questioned by Booth while Sweets is observing through the two way mirror] I was Geoffrey Thorne's assistant for almost four years.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Okay, I suggest you start with the mundane, and then work yourself up to the sexual stuff.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: So, did you have a sexual relationship with your boss?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Okay. That's the total opposite of my suggestion.

"Bones: The Hero in the Hold (#4.13)" (2009)
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Sweets, you - you shouldn't be here. The Gravedigger said no FBI involvement.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I'm a psychologist, not an agent.
Dr. Camille Saroyan: An FBI psychologist, Dr. Sweets. Get gone, now.

Dr. Jack Hodgins: The government keeps secret black illegal files on every US citizen. It's called "Spring Cleaning." Because everything is brought out into the light and turned upside down.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Okay,that is complete paranoia. Right?
Jared Booth: I'll need access to a secure terminal.
Dr. Camille Saroyan: Follow me.
[Cam leads Jared out. As Jared is leaving, stops looks at Hodgins]
Jared Booth: And only conspiracy nuts call it "Spring Cleaning."

Dr. Jack Hodgins: [to Sweets] Would you rather torture her?
Jared Booth: I know a little bit about that.
Dr. Lance Sweets: No. What? We don't do that.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Booth will die!
Dr. Lance Sweets: Character's who you are under pressure. Not who you are when everything's fine. We're the good guys. We don't - we don't torture people.

"Bones: The Prince in the Plastic (#7.3)" (2011)
Special Agent Seeley Booth: But it's crazy for him to carry a gun. That's all.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: No, it's not.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Thank you.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: At the very least, he could draw fire away from you, and get shot himself. Which would reduce the likelihood of *me* becoming a single parent.
Dr. Lance Sweets: We don't have to go over every eventuality.

Dr. Lance Sweets: [as Sweets is about to take his final exam] Booth that's not fair. You don't want me to have a gun. It's gonna affect my performance.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: That's the point. You want to have my back. If something like this rattles you, I can't trust you... So ready?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Let's Rock-n-Roll.

Dr. Lance Sweets: We can't keep having sex in my office, Daisy.
Daisy Wick: We can't?
Dr. Lance Sweets: No. No.
[Daisy growls]
Dr. Lance Sweets: This is the last time.

"Bones: The Sin in the Sisterhood (#6.12)" (2011)
Dr. Lance Sweets: Polygamy makes sense anthropologically. But jealousy is a powerful emotion. Free love taught us one thing: open relationships don't necessarily work.

Dr. Lance Sweets: I have to admit, it's facinating to watch a close knit group fracture under pressure.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: That, and they're dangerous.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Right.

"Bones: The Proof in the Pudding (#5.12)" (2010)
Dr. Camille Saroyan: Do you know how many people Booth has shot for his country?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Uh, approximately 50.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Wow. That's a lot of blood to have on your hands. I mean that's the kind of thing that would keep a person up at night.
Dr. Camille Saroyan: And Booth did that, because he trusted that it was right. And who did he trust?
Dr. Lance Sweets: The government.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Oh.
Dr. Camille Saroyan: They lied about the murder of the president, they can lie about anything.

Angela Montenegro: [after Booth has incapacitated the GSA Agents,] Oh my God.
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Man, you Butch Cassidy'd 'em.
Dr. Lance Sweets: That was totally ninja. May be some anger issues there, but you kicked ass!

"Bones: The Bone That Blew (#4.10)" (2008)
Special Agent Seeley Booth: You don't think I'm a lousy dad for not sending my kid to a private school?
Dr. Lance Sweets: No. But you'd be a lousy father if you didn't torture yourself about it.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Thanks

Dr. Lance Sweets: Can I ask you what's really going on between you?
Max Keenan: Tempe doesn't want me working at the Jeffersonian.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Why?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: It's a conflict of interest, we catch criminals, my dad is a criminal.
Dr. Lance Sweets: That would be valid...
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Thank you.
Dr. Lance Sweets: If it were your *real* reason. But it's not.

"Bones: The Cinderella in the Cardboard (#4.19)" (2009)
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Why'd you tell Sweets? He's gonna come in here. He's gonna cry and stuff.
Dr. Lance Sweets: [Sweets stands at the doorway and knocks] Excuse me.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Oh, God.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Um, do you have a minute?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Of course.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I was talking to Agent Booth. I need a minute alone.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Sure.
[Bones leaves]

Special Agent Seeley Booth: If you were your own patient, what kind of advice would you give yourself?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Impressive. Turn the question back on me. It's a classic theraputic technique. It's really, really annoying.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Did it work?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah. I should confront her. I should be candid. You're right. You're right. It's the only way. Thank you.

"Bones: The Passenger in the Oven (#4.9)" (2008)
Dr. Lance Sweets: And I'm here because?
Dr. Camille Saroyan: You were on my speed dial.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Okay.
[Sweets leaves]

Special Agent Seeley Booth: You know what Sweets, you're the man of the hour! I owe you a beer and a rye chaser, my friend.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Sounds like it would make me sick.

"Bones: The Bones That Weren't (#6.5)" (2010)
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: For smart people like Hannah and me, not being jazzed is physically painful.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Whoa. Whoa. You're saying that Hannah does extra work because she's bored at home?
[Booth looks at Bones then Sweets]
Dr. Lance Sweets: ...No. No.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: I-I'm an exciting guy. I, for example, I'm making dinner for her tonight - with wine.
Dr. Lance Sweets: You just decided that now, didn't you?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: If you're not the cause of her ennui, then it stands to reason you cannot make her happy. It's standard first order logic.

Dr. Lance Sweets: Mr. Milford, I'm Dr. Lance Sweets. I'm a psychologist and the reason I'm talking to you is that every time the FBI Agent I work with asked you a question, you spouted Shakespearean verse at him. He doesn't speak Shakespearean.

"Bones: The Knight on the Grid (#3.8)" (2007)
Dr. Lance Sweets: Point of investigation: how do masters find their apprentices? Not on Craigslist - I checked.

Dr. Lance Sweets: I'm totally into the Gormogon file. And it's my opinion you're looking for a duo.
Dr. Temperance Brennan: How did you get the file?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Booth.
Dr. Temperance Brennan: [Upset, she turns to Booth] You gave him the case file?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Time out, okay? He came up with the whole duo thing.
Dr. Jack Hodgins: We found another widow's son skeleton. This one's complete.
Dr. Temperance Brennan: [Begrudgingly] The teeth marks suggest... two cannibals.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Really. That's awesome! It's like the Sith lords, man. There's always only two of them.

"Bones: The Mystery in the Meat (#9.10)" (2013)
Dr. Lance Sweets: You did a good thing, Booth. I know you and Angela haven't exactly been friends lately.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Oh, wait a second; this wasn't about Angela. I just wanted Bones to have a bachelorette party.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Okay.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: "Okay"? Don't say "okay" to me.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Okay.
Dr. Lance Sweets: That wasn't an "okay" okay; it was just an okay.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: See, you don't even know how to say just "okay".
Dr. Lance Sweets: Okay.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: You said... All right, forget it.

Sam Gilford: Schools are considered second tier markets along with prisons, senior citizens homes
Dr. Lance Sweets: Schools? Where the children are our future?
Sam Gilford: And ketchup is a vegetable

"Bones: The Hot Dog in the Competition (#7.2)" (2011)
Dr. Lance Sweets: Oh hey, congratulations. By the way, I hear you're having a girl.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: How did you know?
Dr. Lance Sweets: I-I ran into Dr. Brennan this morning. She was leaving the doctor's office. Why is it a secret?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Obviously not. She's probably hired a sky writer to tell the world.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Is there something I should know?

Brian Tobin: What's with the scrawny guy? I thought I'd be dealing with that pregnant chick who took me down. I liked her.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: You really don't want to go down that road, buddy.
Dr. Lance Sweets: No, you really don't. The little girl she's carrying is his daughter.

"Bones: The Diamond in the Rough (#8.10)" (2013)
Palmer Heston: [OnTV. Sweets is watching Paranormal Abnormalities while eating cereal. The host is wearing a helmet camera, filming himself] This is Palmer Heston, in search of more paranormal abnormalities. Tonight, I'm coming to you live in the base of Dillinger Quarry where, since the York murders of 1923, there have been numerous sightings of the paranormal.
Dr. Lance Sweets: That's pretty scary, Palmer.
Palmer Heston: Now, some people say that the apparition is York's wife, looking for revenge.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I totally agree with that.
Palmer Heston: While others say it's York himself, searching for his mistress, still in love with her even though she killed him. Now, there's a full moon out tonight which is perfect because according to our documents, that's when the apparitions appear.
[Heston jumps at a loud noise]
Palmer Heston: Who's there?
Dr. Lance Sweets: It's a vengeful wife, man. Do not cheat on your wife. She will end you.
Palmer Heston: [the camera swings around to show a raccoon] Okay, it's an animal. But animals, as we know, are often precursors to the paranormal.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Good save, Palmer.
Palmer Heston: Hello? Hello.
[the host is moving towards a sound]
Palmer Heston: Remember. Fear is never your friend. Apparitions are always more afraid of you than you are of them.
[He is now moving towards a glowing light]
Palmer Heston: Hello.
Dr. Lance Sweets: [Staring wide eyed at the TV] A- an apparition.
Palmer Heston: [Getting closer] What the hell is that?
[the host sees a glowing body on the ground and runs towards it]
Dr. Lance Sweets: Oh!
[pointing at the TV]
Dr. Lance Sweets: Oh, oh!
[the camera now shows the skeleton up close, glowing and encrusted with what look like jewels]
Dr. Lance Sweets: Oh!
[standing up]
Dr. Lance Sweets: What is- Holy crap!
Palmer Heston: Oh my God. Oh, this is amazing. This is unbelievable. I'm gonna win a *bleeped out* Emmy for this!
Dr. Lance Sweets: [With cereal still in his mouth] Oh my- What is that?

Dr. Lance Sweets: I can't actually picture you taking dance lessons.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Well, my mom taught me. She was a dancer.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Your mom was a dancer, and she taught you to dance.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Yeah, it was something we did together. She would put me on her feet and we would get the rhythm down. Anyways, I got older, and uh, I was good enough to teach.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Teach older women?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Mostly.
Dr. Lance Sweets: A lot of wandering hands, I bet.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Well, they would get tired... Or they would lose their balance.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah. You were a gigolo.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: No. Stop.
Dr. Lance Sweets: You were a gigolo for thirty bucks an hour.

"Bones: The Daredevil in the Mold (#6.13)" (2011)
Dr. Lance Sweets: I don't want to be your age and wind up like you.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: What'd you say?
Dr. Lance Sweets: I don't! You've never been married and that -that's sad to me

Dr. Lance Sweets: [about his grandmother's ring] Well, she had to swallow it when she was in Indonesia so it wouldn't get stolen.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Whoa! Did you ever get it back?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah. Yeah. It just doesn't seem that romantic to propose with a ring that had to be fished out of a toilet, you know?

"Bones: The Man in the Outhouse (#4.2)" (2008)
FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth: No. It's nothing. It's just... she's got a date.
Lance Sweets: Oh. And how do you feel about that?
FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth: It's not about me.

Lance Sweets: Did you know that she was on a date?
FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth: Nah, it slipped my mind.

"Bones: The Girl in the Mask (#4.22)" (2009)
Dr. Haru Tanaka: You are entering the realm of psychology, a field of unverifiable speculation. Perhaps I can be of further assistance to Dr. Brennan.
[Tanaka leaves the room]
Dr. Lance Sweets: Sometimes I *hate* hard science. I know that seems immature but that's just how I feel.

Dr. Lance Sweets: [speaking of Dr. Tanaka] Uh, you people can identify human remains from a tiny little finger bone. But you can't identify the sex of the person standing right in front of you? Does nobody else see the irony in this?
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Of course. But as a scientist, I also see the challenge.

"Bones: The Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood (#5.4)" (2009)
Dr. Camille Saroyan: [Speaking of Arastoo's fake accent] Is it crazy, or just weird. Weird I can deal with, but crazy...
[Cam starts to leave]
Dr. Lance Sweets: Wait. What do you want me to do?
Dr. Camille Saroyan: Oh, crazy is your department.

Special Agent Seeley Booth: You seriously believe all the hoo-ha?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: It's anthropology, so yes.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Wrong ology. Keep your grubby anthro hands off my psych.

"Bones: The Signs in the Silence (#6.21)" (2011)
Dr. Lance Sweets: You want the girl to cooperate, we need to make sure she feels comfortable - and secure.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: I know what I'm doing.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Do you remember being in Foster Care?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: I wasn't a potential murder suspect.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Nevertheless, you must remember how you were treated... How often did they even bother to learn your name? Every situation was way more frightening than it had to be because some supervisor was in a rush, right? I know I never wanted to cooperate. And I'm sure you didn't either.

Dr. Lance Sweets: Remembering moments like those, can make a bad situation worse. If you think you can never be happy like that again... But if you see a chance - give yourself hope... You can allow yourself to believe those moments are real.

"Bones: The Bullet in the Brain (#6.11)" (2011)
Special Agent Seeley Booth: [Sweets has got his confidence back] What happened to you?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Caroline hollered at me.

Special Agent Seeley Booth: Broadsky purchased land. 10 acres of the highway.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Under the name of another sniper?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Seely Booth... This is between me and him.

"Bones: Double Trouble in the Panhandle (#4.11)" (2009)
Dr. Lance Sweets: Um, can I offer a piece of advice?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Well that's why we called you, Sweets.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Don't try too hard to be their friends. Act like you're more interested in each other than any of them, all right? They will come to you.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Okay, thanks Sweets.
[Hangs up]
Special Agent Seeley Booth: So, uh, sex right?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: ...Oh good idea.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Okay.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Okay, well, I think what we need to do is get a syncopated rhythm going that takes advantage of the natural frequency of the springs.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Are you this spontaneous during real sex?

Dr. Camille Saroyan: [watching Bones and Booth's circus act] Is it me, or does she seem a little too into this?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Well, there is of course a sexual component to an act of this sort. The knife representing...
Dr. Camille Saroyan: We get it.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Dr. Brennan is showing remarkable trust and willingness.

"Bones: The Couple in the Cave (#6.2)" (2010)
Special Agent Seeley Booth: So it's not possible for two people to overcome their differences?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: We couldn't.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: What?
Dr. Lance Sweets: She's right.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: This is not about us.

Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Sometimes when I was away I would imagine us together.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Really?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: While pleasant, it was clearly fantasy. Because we're also anomalous. But you were lucky enough to meet someone with whom you have parity.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Love. With whom I have love.

"Bones: The End in the Beginning (#4.25)" (2009)
Detective Camille Saroyan: Now why would a crooked politician tell *you* that he was upset about not getting a payoff.
Lance Sweets: I'm a bartender. Practically a psychologist.

Lance Sweets: Hey, so uh, we're Gormagon. Um, I mean the name of the band is Gormagon. Some people think I'm Gormagon, but I'm not. It's like there's no one named Floyd in Pink Floyd.
Seeley 'Mr. B' Booth: Just play Sweets.
Lance Sweets: Yeah.
Temperance 'Bren' Brennan: [Quietly to Booth] Gormagon's a stupid name. What does it even mean?

"Bones: The Bones That Foam (#4.15)" (2009)
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: I want to do that.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Do what?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Connect to people like Booth does. You can teach me.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Oh I don't know.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: In the spirit of scientific equity, I'd like to see if what you say about psychology is true.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Did you just dare me, Dr. Brennan?

Dr. Lance Sweets: Did you just dare me, Dr. Brennan?

"Bones: The Method in the Madness (#8.5)" (2012)
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Whoa, whoa, excuse me.
[He grabs a pair of shorts that Sweets was starting to fold]
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Those are my underwear, *pal*!
[to Bones]
Special Agent Seeley Booth: What is he doing?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Sweets has been very helpful. He vacuumed. Did the laundry.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Alright, that's great, and all. But, a man doesn't fold another man's *under*wear!
Dr. Lance Sweets: Are those Captain America boxers?

Dr. Lance Sweets: Don't you think that as a man, I should be on my own, I mean...
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Most cultures have ceremonies to celebrate milestones in a man's life.
[She takes Sweets' arm and pulls him into the room]
Dr. Lance Sweets: [a stricken look on his face] Oh God, this isn't about circumcision, is it?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Noooo, it's about dancing.
Dr. Lance Sweets: [Relieved, briefly] What?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: There are three important elements in moving on past an old relationship. Admission.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I admit it's over with Daisy.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Cleansing.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Right. You were in our jet tub.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: [raising her hands in the air] And celebration!
Dr. Lance Sweets: So, I can't get my own apartment until I celebrate being alone?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: That's right.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Anthropology's all about dancing.
[Bones uses a remote to turn on some music. "20th Century Boy" by T-Rex, mentioned by Sweets earlier in the episode, is playing. Then she starts dancing]
Dr. Lance Sweets: [to Booth] You gettin' in on this?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: [shakes his head] No. Why? It's your ceremony.
[Sees Bones dancing]
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Bones, what are you doin'?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Are you okay?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: [Dancing around Sweets who starts to join her, slowly at first] Celebrate. You're free!
Dr. Lance Sweets: I *am* free. I *am* free!
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: And someone out there who doesn't know yet will be getting the great gift that is you.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Lucky, lucky them.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah.
[Dancing with more enthusiasm now]
Dr. Lance Sweets: They *are* lucky! Okay! Uhhh!
Special Agent Seeley Booth: [laughing] Elevator down.
Dr. Lance Sweets: [Mimics going down in an elevator] I feel so at home right now.
[Booth takes a gulp of scotch]

"Bones: The Cold in the Case (#9.21)" (2014)
Lance Sweets: So, the assistant director's having you review other agents' files? That's-that's a big deal, Booth.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: It won't be if the person who killed Madeline gets away.
Lance Sweets: They don't ask just anyone to do that.

Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: That's more than a regular promotion, Booth. That sounds like a big honor. Well, how long would the tour be?
Lance Sweets: I heard two years
Special Agent Seeley Booth: I'm not leaving you and Christine, so it's not gonna happen.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: You've clearly excelled at your job, Booth. You should allow yourself to be recognized in that way.

"Bones: Big in the Philippines (#9.13)" (2014)
Wendell Bray: ...I saw my dad go through
[the chemotherapy]
Wendell Bray: . Sick from the chemo to the end. He missed out on living.
Wendell Bray: I'm okay with it, take off, I've always wanted to see South America, the Galapagos, you know, the Adriatic, kick back, drink, sleep with as many women as I ca...
Special Agent Seeley Booth: No, no, no, no, you're not going to do that. You're going to get the treatment, you're going to throw up and you're going to feel miserable, but none of that's going to matter because you're going to live to be a hundred.
Wendell Bray: [chuckles] You should be my doctor.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: C'mon, I'm serious!
Special Agent Seeley Booth: You can fight this. You have to fight this.
Wendell Bray: Why?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Why? Because there's a life out there you haven't even lived yet. There's a woman, waiting to be your wife. Okay? And-And-And there's kids, waiting to be born, waiting to find out how great of a dad you're going to be.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Plus you have your friends, okay, your friends, they need you. That's why.
[phone rings]
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Don't worry about that.
Wendell Bray: I get it, you're working, we'll talk lat...
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Just hold on. Don't move.
[picks phone up]
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Booth
Dr. Lance Sweets: Hey, Booth?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Hey, listen, Sweets, can this wait?
Wendell Bray: You-you work, I'm going, we'll talk later.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: No, no, no. Just hold on.
Dr. Lance Sweets: You okay?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Yeah. What is it, Sweets?

"Bones: The Predator in the Pool (#5.18)" (2010)
Dr. Lance Sweets: Well, no, it's pretty tough to tell your average 9 year old from your average psychopath.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Don't say that, all right? I have a kid nearly that age.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Children are still forming their sense of ethics at this age. Like I said, they're basically sociopaths.

"Bones: The Maiden in the Mushrooms (#8.21)" (2013)
Pabla Sepulveda: Are you screwing with me?
Dr. Lance Sweets: No. I'm simply pointing out that your lack of self-control can cause you to make extremely poor decisions.
Pabla Sepulveda: You said you were on my side!
Special Agent Seeley Booth: No. He said he understood why you go psycho!
Dr. Lance Sweets: Okay, I wouldn't use that word, Booth.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: I know. That's why I'm here.

"Bones: The Change in the Game (#6.23)" (2011)
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Oh God! I hope this is not another case where Max, you know, killed someone.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I thought he promised not to do that anymore.

"Bones: The Heiress in the Hill (#9.15)" (2014)
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Look, if you can't burry a body deep enough, you cover it in lye, so the animals don't dig it up. Classic Al Capone
Dr. Lance Sweets: You think it's a mob hit?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Oh, Sweets, a girl in her twenties?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Sexist! Nowadays a girl in her twenties can be just as much a mobster as a guy
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Wonderful how far we've come!

"Bones: The Future in the Past (#8.1)" (2012)
Dr. Lance Sweets: I don't know where Booth is.
FBI Special Agent Hayes Flynn: I don't think you're being completely honest with me.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Then you have trust issues stemming from... I don't know, a bunch of psychological crap.

"Bones: The Dentist in the Ditch (#5.13)" (2010)
Dr. Lance Sweets: Oh, did you run a background check on Jared's girlfriend?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Okay. Why is everyone saying that to me like it's some kind of terrible thing.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Because it's kind of a terrible thing.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: I'm just looking out for my brother. That's all. So can we just, you know, focus on the case.

"Bones: The Killer in the Crosshairs (#6.15)" (2011)
Dr. Jack Hodgins: I actually have a question for you.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Oh great. Shoot. Probably not a term I should use during a murder investigation, huh?
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Right. Anyway, Angela's father...
Dr. Lance Sweets: Oh God!
Angela Montenegro: What?

"Bones: The Bond in the Boot (#5.2)" (2009)
Harold Prescott: You're really going to trust something this important to a kid?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Oh me? Least I tuck myself in at night.

"Bones: The Past in the Present (#7.13)" (2012)
Special Agent Seeley Booth: What's the matter with you?
Dr. Lance Sweets: You're jumping to the conclusion that Pelant is involved.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: I am not ju- Look, he *is* involved.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Is this a hunch?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: No! He switched our ring tones to *wolves*. The victim was *eaten* by wolves.
Dr. Lance Sweets: No, ring tones won't hold up in court.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Tell you what, when you're ready to help, you come and find me, alright? Until then, take a hike.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I *am* helping, Booth. This is how I help. To keep things in perspective. Okay? So, how can I help?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: [In a hard tone] Profile the killer and match it to Pelant.
Dr. Lance Sweets: You're asking to frame somebody. So, no. But, what I *can* do is put together an objective profile, and if it matches Pelant, it matches.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: It'll match. Pelant did it.

"Bones: The Lady on the List (#9.5)" (2013)
Special Agent Seeley Booth: It's about Val
Dr. Lance Sweets: Who's that? No! No! No, because my last blind date was a disaster, alright! She threw her drink in my face 'cause she didn't know what masticate meant
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Isn't not that
Dr. Lance Sweets: It means to chew
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Sweets, pay attention, okay? I'd like you to introduce you to VAL. Okay, it's a virtual something...
Dr. Lance Sweets: Adumbrative
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Yes, that's the word!
Dr. Lance Sweets: It's an artificial profiling system
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Right, you know so everything I get on this case I have to input here, so then the squints...
Dr. Lance Sweets: Wow! They want to compare me to a computer! I can't even be replaced by a computer

"Bones: The Witch in the Wardrobe (#5.20)" (2010)
Dr. Lance Sweets: So, I've been thinking about dead cats.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: That... doesn't seem like a good use of your time.

"Bones: The Dude in the Dam (#9.8)" (2013)
Dr. Lance Sweets: So, I understand the emotional toll it can take when a couple is unable to conceive, Mr. Robertson
Ted Robertson: I didn't come to the FBI for a therapy!

"Bones: The Gunk in the Garage (#8.3)" (2012)
Lisa Langella: How did you know about the beatings?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Oh. We know a lot, Mrs. Langella. I wouldn't leave town, if I were you.
[He and Sparling walk back to the car]
FBI Special Agent Olivia Sparling: What was that last little bit about?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Just aiming my big shrinky brain at her. Thought you'd like to see what I was packin'.

"Bones: The High in the Low (#9.20)" (2014)
Lance Sweets: The test is day after tomorrow. Don't you feel ready?
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Come on, I was born ready. Are you kidding me, huh?

"Bones: The Family in the Feud (#7.11)" (2012)
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Didn't they teach you, you know, how not to be irritating at shrink camp?
Dr. Lance Sweets: It was a university.

"Bones: The Boy with the Answer (#5.21)" (2010)
Dr. Camille Saroyan: We all knew she was guilty. So someplace, we assumed that in a just world, she'd pay for what she did.
Dr. Lance Sweets: That assumes a just world, I'm afraid.

"Bones: The Twist in the Twister (#7.5)" (2011)
Special Agent Seeley Booth: [a tornado's approaching] You gonna cut me some slack for lying to Bones now?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Yeah. No. You totally should've lied!

"Bones: The Maggots in the Meathead (#6.3)" (2010)
Dr. Lance Sweets: [Translating text messages] U-R-GNG-2-DI.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: You are going to...
Dr. Lance Sweets: You are going to die.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: 4-Q?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Think that's pretty self-explanatory.

"Bones: The Friend in Need (#8.16)" (2013)
Dr. Lance Sweets: I've studied the case. I don't believe that Manny raped Kat. His behavior at the party was protective, and he had a crush on her. Rape is about power, not love.
Angela Montenegro: So how is looking through the pictures again gonna help?
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: Well, this time instead of focusing on the murder victim, we follow Kat's movements, see who *she* interacted with.
Dr. Lance Sweets: You've been reading my psychology books again.
Dr. Temperance 'Bones' Brennan: You leave them in the bathroom. They're good reading in the tub.
Angela Montenegro: That's actually a really good idea. Not the tub thing, but following Kat.

"Bones: The Foot in the Foreclosure (#5.8)" (2009)
Hank: Just because I'm carrying a few extra years, doesn't mean I can't take care of myself.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I know.
Hank: ...Smartass! I go first.

"Bones: The Doctor in the Photo (#6.9)" (2010)
Dr. Lance Sweets: What I see is that you're over identifying with the victim. Brilliant scientist, unmarried, without children, consumed by her work. You can't help but draw parallels to your own life.

"Bones: The Sense in the Sacrifice (#9.4)" (2013)
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Wh-what does this all mean, Sweet? Spell it out.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Well, Dr. Brennan is Pelant's endgame. He's trying to replace you. Has he done anything to prevent the two of you from getting together that we don't know about.
[Booth thinks about it]
Dr. Lance Sweets: I'll take that as a "yes."

"Bones: Harbingers in a Fountain (#5.1)" (2009)
Dr. Lance Sweets: Now, I think you and I both know Dr. Brennan's hyper rationality is really just a cover for her vulnerable and sensitive core.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Oh great. So we're talking about Bones's brains too here.
Dr. Lance Sweets: So if you breach those defenses and you don't really love her... Left you hard copies.

"Bones: The Source in the Sludge (#9.16)" (2014)
Daisy Wick: Thank you're making time for me, Lance
Dr. Lance Sweets: Of course, I'm always happy to make time for you. But, eh, you know if this is about us getting together...
Daisy Wick: What? No! I just missed you as a friend. Although I do miss the sex sometimes. Just for the record!

"Bones: The Fact in the Fiction (#8.17)" (2013)
Dr. Lance Sweets: The guy literally fought off coyotes to get the skull back. That's awesome.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Coyotes, they just run away if you yell at them.
Dr. Lance Sweets: I know. Still. To face a pack of wild animals alone...
Special Agent Seeley Booth: I'm sure you could just bore them to death with your shrinky talk.
Dr. Lance Sweets: And I'm sure you could just break their hearts with your mean... mean words.

"Bones: A Night at the Bones Museum (#5.5)" (2009)
Dr. Lance Sweets: I'd consider it a personal favor, Dr. Brennan.
Special Agent Seeley Booth: Ouch. Personal favors are kind of like penalty shots. You kind of have to take them. Unlike dinner requests which you are totally open to decline.

"Bones: The Salt in the Wounds (#4.16)" (2009)
Angela Montenegro: I also had a little afternoon delight with Hodgins, but let's just say it's not really his thing.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Again, I'm sorry.
Angela Montenegro: No, it's totally fine.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Then why tell me?
Angela Montenegro: Brennan approves of the way I conduct my love life.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Oh.
Angela Montenegro: Yeah.

"Bones: The Finger in the Nest (#4.3)" (2008)
Dr. Lance Sweets: ...for now, temporarily, I'm satisfied with your coping technique.
Dr. Jack Hodgins: My... coping technique... of -hate-?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Correct!

"Bones: The Goop on the Girl (#5.10)" (2009)
Daisy Wick: Colon, end bracket, colon, capital "D."
Dr. Lance Sweets: [Sweets laughs] Semi-colon, end parenthesis, less-than sign, numeral 3.
Daisy Wick: Colon, capital "P."
Dr. Camille Saroyan: Oh, dear God, I'm going to yak!

"Bones: The Plain in the Prodigy (#5.3)" (2009)
Dr. Jack Hodgins: [Sweets is playing with Levi's stones] What are you doing?
Dr. Lance Sweets: Playing the theme to Titanic.
Dr. Jack Hodgins: Even not hearing it, I hate that song.
Dr. Lance Sweets: Not the way I play it.