Jerri Blank
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Quotes for
Jerri Blank (Character)
from "Strangers with Candy" (1999)

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Strangers with Candy (2005)
Jerri Blank: Hello, I'm Jerri Blank and - and I'm an alcoholic. I'm also addicted to amphetamines as well as main line narcotics. Some people say I have a sex addiction, but I think all those years of prostitution was just a means to feed my ravenous hunger for heroin. It's kinda like the chicken or the nugget. The point is, I'm addicted to gambling. Thank you.
[meekly]
Jerri Blank: Oh, and... my daddy's in a coma.

Jerri Blank: Faggot.
Chuck Noblet: What did you just call me?
Jerri Blank: Well, what did you hear?
Chuck Noblet: I'd rather not repeat it.
Jerri Blank: Then I guess we'll never know.

Brason: Monica's having a party do you want to be my date?
Jerri Blank: I want your spermies!
Brason: I'll take that as a yes.

Jerri Blank: But my daddy's in a coma!
Chuck Noblet: Go tell the grief counselor. She's supposed to care.

Jerri Blank: It's like the time you set that boat on fire and watched those Haitians panic. Oh wait, that was me... The point is, you're a racist.

Megawatti Sacarnaput: Are you thinking about entering the science fair?
Jerri Blank: I'm thinkin' about pussy. The science fair's for queers.

Jerri Blank: Are you as real as the Demon with 100 Eyes?

Jerri Blank: Faggot.
Chuck Noblet: What did you say?
Jerri Blank: What did you hear?
Chuck Noblet: I'd rather not repeat it.
Jerri Blank: Then I guess we'll never know.

Jerri Blank: You're not my real dad!
Stew: You're not my real daughter!

Jerri Blank: [to Tammi] What's shakin', Red? The carpet match the drapes?

Jerri Blank: I'm just having some cruel fun at your expense! Jeez, I thought you people had thicker skins than that. You know, fighting those tigers in the jungle and all.
[pauses]
Jerri Blank: Why doesn't anybody like me?

Jerri Blank: You cross my chow zone again, you're gonna pull back a bloody stump.

Sara Blank: How was school today, Derrick?
Derrick Blank: The coach made me co-captain of the junior varsity squat thrust team!
Jerri Blank: Way to go, faglick.
Sara Blank: Jerri, language!
Derrick Blank: I'll have you know, stump, that the varsity squat thrust team took third in all conference.
Jerri Blank: And how does that make you not gay?
Derrick Blank: What are you talking about, troll? We squat together, we spot each other on the workout mat, and we play grab-ass in the showers. How is that gay?

Geoffrey Jellineck: You look lost. Its okay, you can talk to me. I'm the art teacher. I may be an authority figure, but I have the mind of a child.
Jerri Blank: Well, today's my first day back at school and I'm a little nervous.
Geoffrey Jellineck: There's no reason to be nervous. Just remember, the first day of school is the most important day of your whole life. If it doesn't go right, there's no way to get it back. *No way.*

Jerri Blank: Are you the grief counselor?
Grief Counselor Peggy Callas: Oh, god, it never ends. Have a seat. I should tell you up front, each student gets ten minutes, that last student took fifteen, so you get five.
Jerri Blank: Well, that's not fair!
Grief Counselor Peggy Callas: Take it up with Les. He's the one that's frigid.

Jerri Blank: I'm Jerri Blank and my daddy's in a coma.
Grief Counselor Peggy Callas: You know what, Jerri? I wish my daddy was in a coma. He's dead, Jerri. He was executed for war crimes, but for insurance purposes, we say he was eaten by wolves. Anyway, my point is, Jerri, somebody's always got it worse.

Jerri Blank: [Jerri is narrating, film's title appears onscreen] Stranglers... with...
[title disappears]
Jerri Blank: Hmm. I guess we'll never know.

Jerri Blank: I can't leave you! You were all like family to me!... well, the white ones at least. The rest of you were more like loyal house servants.

[after seeing Brason for the first time]
Jerri Blank: God, check out the titties on that arm!

Jerri Blank: You're such a poo-hole, Derrick.
Derrick Blank: You're a fat goblin!
Sara Blank: Derrick...
Derrick Blank: Well, she is!
Sara Blank: I KNOW, Derrick. I have eyes.


"Strangers with Candy: The Virgin Jerri (#2.3)" (2000)
Jerri Blank: What's the difference between being married and in love and being horny and in the back of a car?

Jerri Blank: Shazam. Look. Drake Rogers. Mmm, he makes me all puffy down there. I'd love to tame his blue vein swayback throbber.
Tammi Littlenut: What do you mean, Jerri?
Jerri Blank: Take him backstage behind the meat curtain, know what I mean? I'm talkin' about pounding out the veal.
Tammi Littlenut: Are you thinking about having sex already?
Jerri Blank: Does a pimp carry a razor?
Tammi Littlenut: I don't know...
Jerri Blank: Trust me, they all do.

Jerri Blank: Well, I have to go to the ladies room. Tammi, you wanna come along?
Tammi Littlenut: I don't have to go.
Jerri Blank: You don't have to make a tinkle or a poo-poo?
Tammi Littlenut: No, Jerri.
Jerri Blank: Are you sure, Tammela? Maybe once you get in there, you'll have to make a wee-wee or a turdy.
[Tammi catches on]
Tammi Littlenut: Do you wanna go to the bathroom and talk?
Jerri Blank: I guess we *could* talk if you don't need to make a stinky.

Jerri Blank: Why did you spread those vicious lies?
Drake Rogers: Cus you didn't spread those vicious thighs.


"Strangers with Candy: Is My Daddy Crazy? (#3.4)" (2000)
Jerri Blank: Can't you just drill a hole in his head to let the demons out?
Dr. Trepanning: Jerri, that practice is obsolete. These days, we subdue the demons with drugs until they become addicted. Then we draw them out with meat.

Dr. Trepanning: Well, Jerri, it's been a tough night, but we finally subdued him. I tell you, your son Stew sure can take a blow to the head.
Jerri Blank: Well technically, he's not my son. He's my stepmother's lover.
Dr. Trepanning: Oh, good, then you can sign these release forms.
Jerri Blank: How's he doing?
Dr. Trepanning: Well, aside from the insanity, he's as healthy as a horse that's been beaten unconscious by a gang of savage orderlies.

Jerri Blank: Dr. Trepanning, can you get all the crazy out of my daddy?
Dr. Trepanning: I can't make any promises, Jerri, but I promise I will. I'll use every tool at my disposal: medication, drugs, *and* pills.
Jerri Blank: Well how long will it take?
Dr. Trepanning: What is it, Wednesday? Thirty years.
Jerri Blank: What? I need him by this afternoon!
Dr. Trepanning: Jerri, the brain is a delicate and highly complicated organ. I know, I've taken a few of them apart and every time I put them back together, there's always a few extra parts laying around.
Jerri Blank: Why can't you just drill a hole in his skull to let the demons out?
Dr. Trepanning: [chuckles] Jerri, drilling a hole in the skull to let the demons out is a pretty archaic treatment of mental illness. Today, we sedate the demons until they become addicted, and then we coax them out with a piece of meat. It takes years.


"Strangers with Candy: The Last Temptation of Blank (#3.10)" (2000)
Fran: Hi Jerri.
Jerri Blank: Yo-yo-you talkin' to me?
Fran: Yep.
Jerri Blank: I'm guessing this is a dream. Only difference is you're not naked a tied to a radiator.

Jerri Blank: [to Fran] Hey, I have an idea. Let's do something girly. Why don't I grab some nail polish so we can paint each other's... clitorises?

Jerri Blank: I'm cooler than you Frantic, you know why? Because I'm not. Think about it... I haven't.


"Strangers with Candy: Who Wants Cake? (#1.4)" (1999)
Principal Onyx Blackman: What are you going to do at Good Time Island?
Jerri Blank: I'm gonna get laid.

Jerri Blank: I have to snitch on my locker mate.
Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck: What is she, gay?
Jerri Blank: No, retarded.
Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck: Most of them are.
Jerri Blank: What?
Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck: Gay people! How did you find out, did you make a pass at her? She'd have to be retarded to turn you down!


"Strangers with Candy: The Goodbye Guy (#2.4)" (2000)
Jerri Blank: Well, what would you do if your daddy died?
Cassie Pines: HEY. You'd love that, wouldn't you? Just because your dad was killed in some freak accident, nobody can have one? Well I'll tell ya something. My daddy's alive and yours is dead and ain't nothin' gonna change that.

Doctor: [to Sarah Blank] What's... left of your husband is dead.
Jerri Blank: And what are the odds he might recover?
Doctor: A million to zero.


"Strangers with Candy: Let Freedom Ring (#1.7)" (1999)
Jerri Blank: All you need is some TLC and some vitamin P. What I'm trying to say, Paul, is I find you sexually attractive.
Paul Cotton: Jerri, everyone in school says ...
Jerri Blank: I like the pole and the hole, and right now, I'm as moist as a snack cake down there. So, why don't you come to my crib after school and I'll make your pinky all stinky.

Jerri Blank: G-spot! Gonads! Gooks! Good times! G-goodbye?


"Strangers with Candy: The Blank Page (#2.6)" (2000)
Coach Cherri Wolf: Jerri, what does V-I-C-T-O-R-Y spell?
Jerri Blank: Fandango? Hobocamp? Ho... hobocamp!

Jerri Blank: [to Alan, the blind student] I think it's brave of you wanting to play football. I think it's sexy. It makes me as damp as a cellar down there - all mildewy. Enter if you dare...


"Strangers with Candy: Old Habits - New Beginnings (#1.1)" (1999)
Jerri Blank: Well, those keyholes are a menace.

Jerri Blank: They never did find out who gave Poppy the drugs, so I guess justice was served.


"Strangers with Candy: Jerri's Burning Issue (#3.1)" (2000)
Jerri Blank: Do a lot of the people die of the syphilis?
Chuck Noblet: Oh, absolutely. Historically, syphilis is right up there with Germans. It wiped out the Romanovs, it decimated our fleet at Pearl Harbor, and of course, Fidel Castro impersonated Marilyn Monroe and gave President Kennedy a case of syphilis so severe that eventually it blew the back of his head off.


"Strangers with Candy: Ask Jerri (#3.7)" (2000)
Jerri Blank: Hey, don't you want to know happened at school today?
Sara Blank: All right. What happened in school today?
Jerri Blank: Mr. Noblet ...
Sara Blank: I was talking to Derrick. Derrick?
Derrick Blank: Well, I punched this loser in the head - he was coming out of study hall - I blindsided him. He never even saw it coming.
[Jerri giggles]
Sara Blank: That's very nice, Derrick. Okay Jerri, now why don't you make it quick?
Jerri Blank: Someone punched me in the head when I was coming out of study hall today. Blindsided me - never saw it coming!


"Strangers with Candy: To Love, Honor, and Pretend (#2.7)" (2000)
Jerri Blank: You don't wanna beat me or screw me. What kind of marriage is this? Bring a book.


"Strangers with Candy: Yes You Can't (#2.1)" (2000)
[Noblet hooks Jerry up to a machine that will indicate whether she is lying through green and red lights]
Mr. Chuck Noblet: What's your favorite color?
Jerri Blank: Lemon!
[Red bulb lights up with a buzz]
Jerri Blank: Rust.
[Green bulb lights up with a ringing noise]
Mr. Chuck Noblet: What's your favorite food?
Jerri Blank: Crepes Suzette!
[Red Light]
Jerri Blank: Meatballs.
[Green light]
Mr. Chuck Noblet: If you could be any animal, which would it be?
Jerri Blank: [Jerry stealthily slips her hand over the red bulb] Kitten?
[Red Light]
Jerri Blank: Snake.
Mr. Chuck Noblet: Well, at least we know you can't lie.


"Strangers with Candy: Behind Blank Eyes (#2.2)" (2000)
Jerri Blank: If only I could see what it's like to be blind!


"Strangers with Candy: A Price Too High for Riches (#2.10)" (2000)
Jerri Blank: Why do we have to car pool with the Fagonokolises? They smell like feta cheese!
Orlando Pinatubo: I like the car pool. The Fagonokolises are good people.
Jerri Blank: Good people? They're Greeks, and Greeks are just Jews without money.


"Strangers with Candy: Jerri Is Only Skin Deep (#1.6)" (1999)
Jerri Blank: First of all, I don't like people. I like me.
Mr. Geoffrey Jellineck: Does everything have to be about you?
Jerri Blank: Well, I may not be much, but I'm all I think about.


"Strangers with Candy: The Trip Back (#1.10)" (1999)
[in jail]
Geoffrey Jellineck: Why am I in a ladies' jail? I am a man!
Jerri Blank: Faggot.
[laughs]
Jerri Blank: My asshole's hungry, baby.
[laughs]


"Strangers with Candy: Invisible Love (#3.6)" (2000)
Mr. Chuck Noblet: At the end of "West Side Story," why do the lovers strangle each other?
Jerri Blank: To prove that love is worth dying for?
Mr. Chuck Noblet: No, I think what Shakespeare was getting at is that death is preferable to having your secret relationship revealed.


"Strangers with Candy: Trail of Tears (#3.3)" (2000)
Chuck Noblet: Hey, this'll be fun. Let's have a debate. Jerri will defend the godless savages, and everyone else will attack Jerri.
Jerri Blank: What?
Chuck Noblet: Don't be afraid to get personal. The objective is to win, or, rather, to attack Jerri.
Jerri Blank: I don't know anything about Indians because I'm *not* an Indian!
Chuck Noblet: A cunningly savage denial, Jerri. Alright, fact: a peaceful, napping General Custer was murdered in his sleep by bloodthirsty Indians while he was on a family camping trip!


"Strangers with Candy: Dreams on the Rocks (#1.3)" (1999)
Craig Snow: You need to face the fact that your mother is an alcoholic, but Jerri, that doesn't mean she doesn't love you.
Jerri Blank: No, I've heard her say plenty of times she didn't love me.