Danny Heffernan
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Quotes for
Danny Heffernan (Character)
from "The King of Queens" (1998)

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"The King of Queens: Doug Less I (#6.1)" (2003)
Danny Heffernan: [Danny and Spence are housesitting for Doug and Carrie and are fighting over who gets the bed. Danny is already in bed and Spence threatens to get into bed with him] Fine, bring it. What's taking so long?
Spence Olchin: [Starts disrobing] You think I'm going to let one uncomfortable camp experience keep me out of this bed, you are wrong. Alright, I'm getting in and I'm not getting out.
Danny Heffernan: Great. Still want to stay? Because I sleep freestyle.
[Reaches under the sheets, pulls off his underpants, and flings them across the room]
Spence Olchin: You know what?
[Reaches under the sheets, pulls off his underpants and drops them on the bedspread]
Spence Olchin: So do I. Ah, ooh, that's good.
Danny Heffernan: [They slowly realize that neither one of them are wearing underpants] We may have wandered down a bad road here.


"The King of Queens: Present Tense (#8.17)" (2006)
Spence Olchin: We should've robbed this house 45 minutes ago.
Danny Heffernan: I had to get my allergy shot.
Spence Olchin: We're not robbing a cat!


"The King of Queens: Emotional Rollercoaster (#8.19)" (2006)
Spence Olchin: Danny and I are going to check out the Haunted Castle.
Danny Heffernan: Yeah, scared chicks are very approachable.


"The King of Queens: Lost Vegas (#7.1)" (2004)
Deacon Palmer: How could you possibly think there'd be valet parking at a diner in Ohio?
Danny Heffernan: I've never been to Ohio, I don't know the local customs.


"The King of Queens: Awful Bigamy (#6.24)" (2004)
Doug Heffernan: [after telling the guys he has a downstairs and upstairs wife] Hol, the paper came today, it's a little wet and I wanted to read the sports section.
Holly Shumpert: I'll just blow-dry it.
[She leaves]
Danny Heffernan: My nipples are hard.


"The King of Queens: Gorilla Warfare (#7.13)" (2005)
Danny Heffernan: Why can't I find a great girl?
Doug Heffernan: I could tell you the truth, but it'd feel like a donkey kick.


"The King of Queens: Affair Trade (#9.2)" (2006)
Spence Olchin: I was in the other day. I told her I was allergic to peanuts, and Sienna remembered.
Danny Heffernan: That doesn't mean she's into you, alright. It means she doesn't want to have to open your throat with a pen.


"The King of Queens: Offensive Fowl (#9.8)" (2007)
[Spence enters carrying a large sign]
Deacon Palmer: How's the new job?
Spence Olchin: How do you think it's going? I stand all day on the sidewalk carrying this.
Danny Heffernan: Yeah, well, at least no one's peeing on you like when you worked in the subway.
Spence Olchin: Heh. Guess again.


"The King of Queens: Gym Neighbors (#7.12)" (2005)
Danny Heffernan: Maybe you should get Lou the Spiderman 2 game.
Doug Heffernan: Yeah, I'm going to get the Incredible Hulk a Spiderman game. Who raised you?


"The King of Queens: Tank Heaven (#6.21)" (2004)
[Doug, Deacon, and Danny are sitting on the couch in the living room, eating nachos and cheese]
Doug Heffernan: What are you doing?
Danny Heffernan: What?
Deacon Palmer: You're taking all the cheese.
Danny Heffernan: It came up with the chip.
Doug Heffernan: Yeah, 'cause you grabbed the nucleus.
Danny Heffernan: What?
Doug Heffernan: Every pile of nachos has one main chip that holds the whole thing together... the nucleus. You don't take the nucleus, you work around it. You honor it.
Deacon Palmer: That's Nachos 101, man.