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: I got the mother of all hangovers. Bob
: Ugh, then I must have the father.
: You know what I just realized? Chode
: What a load, ugly broad you are? T'Nuk
: No, you purple puss-bucket, I just realized I haven't had a day off in six months! Well, I've had it! I need downtime. I need to let loose. I need to feel the wind in my hair. Chode
: Is that the hair on your legs or the hair on your back?
: Captain, are you sure you don't mind me going? Chode
: Oh, no, of course not. Don't worry about me, I'll just turn in early with a glass of hot milk and the skankiest hard-core porn that I can find. I won't even, eh, know you're gone. Six
: Gee thanks, It's nice to be appreciated.
: [storms in
] I had to catch a ride with a freighter! Chode
: Too bad it was headed in this direction.
: Ugh. Women! Bob
: Tell me about it! I once had a chick who took all my spare parts and ran off with a fricking star ship. Chode
: I bet you hate her. Bob
: Nah, that's the part that stinks. Sometimes... when I'm drunk I think about her and my thrusters still get hard.
: [having been knocked out of her chair by T'Nuk
] Did you see that? That cow just hit me! Chode
: She's not a cow. T'Nuk
: Thank you, Chode. Chode
: Cows have a quiet dignity and serve a purpose. T'Nuk
] Jackass! Chode
: Let's not drag your mother into this.
: [to Ten
] We'll always have Paris. Chode
: What the hell is that supposed to mean? Who the hell is Paris? Is there some other jerk I gotta be worried about?
: More important than how we look, is how we think. Women also have brains. Whip
: But uncle Chode told me women don't need brains. 'Cause a brain can't suck your... Chode
: [Chode puts his hand in front of Whip's mouth
] Kids! Heheh.
: Hey, men are visual. Big cahungas and a shaped patootie, they make us go nuts. We can't help it. That's beauty to us. That's how we're wired.
: Did you hear a word I just said? Chode
: Of course I did, but we're talking about a million dollars here. So, break out the skin tight spandex, put on your best screw me pumps and paint your face up like the whore of Babylon 69. Cause, honey, you're entering this pageant and that's an order. Six
: Fine. But guess what you're not entering tonight?
[her bedroom door slides shut
: [Six is being accused of murder
] I didn't do it. Babette Bobo
: Look, all I know is we got a signed confession.
[holds up a note
: [grabs the note
] Yes, a signed confession... written in lipstick. I've had enough lipstick smeared on this hard body over the years to know the difference between 'Jungle Red', what this complete stranger is wearing, and 'Bozo Red', which is on the note, and on your lying lips!
: What if men were held up to that sort of artificial standard? Chode
: We are! Only difference is, instead a' looks, it's how much dough we got. Right now, I'm one attractive guy
[rubs money on himself
: I'll have you know back home on my planet, I am considered a great beauty! Chode
: That's gotta be one scary place!
: Is that true, Uncle Chode? Does love conquer all? Chode
: Sure kid, sure. Ask any hooker.
: I'm sorry, you must understand no matter how much you want to be together, it's forbidden. Like say, smoking or drinking or screwing, or anything else that's fun and proof of adulthood.
] I'd like to see the look on Darph Bobo's face if he knew that Commander Adam's idiot son was in there playing 'that's not my bellybutton/that's not my finger' with his darling little Babette!
: [entranced by Six's ample cleavage
] Fun with her I will have if help you I do, yes? Chode
: Backwards you talk and piss my off much it does! No, you will not have fun with her.
: I have to say, I'm disappointed. Chode
: Six! I though you'd be glad that I'm still here. Wouldn't you miss the time we spend, the laughs we share, the ideas we discuss and my purple pleasure plunger? Gus
: Oh! Six
: Of course, it's just that after all the beautiful notions, it's too bad that love doesn't really conquer all. Gus
: I don't know, seeing Darph and Adam with their wives, they looked pretty conquered.
: See what I mean? I even lost out on a Cartooney to the piece of crap. That's why this race is so important to me.
: Chode, you started out this race sorrier than a greyneck in a Winnebago without a beer. How'd you manage to turn it all around? Chode
: Well, all it took was an attitude adjustment and a little makeover courtesy of my friends at Pucker Up Hemorrhoid Ointment. Now in three flavors, including 'Scratch 'n Sniff'.
: Whip, is there any way you could shut down Bob's mainframe? Whip
: It's possible, but I'd have to get to it by crawling through the ships bowels. It'll be a tight fit. T'nuk
: Ships bowels? Tight fit? Take Gus with you. It sounds like a job for the Tin Fairy.
: I don't know what's worse. The heat, or T'nuk's smelly pitts!
: Yes! My miserable existence with this selfish, pencil dicked loser is finally coming to an end! Chode
: Easy, Six, you don't have to over sell it.
: Come on, there's no way I could possibly a father. T'nuk
: Why not? You're already a muther.
: Chode, if you only had intercourse with this women in a 24 hour period, the chances of you being the father of her child are infinitetisimal. Chode
: Hmm. So, I'm pretty much the poppa, huh? Gus
: No, you idiot, Dinina probably has you mixed up with some other purple Varcity slob.
: Look, you can all stop pretending you want me here. I'll just go to my room. Chode
: Why, that's nonsense! You don't even have a room.
: [banging on the wall because Whip and Chode Jr. are fighting on the other side
] Ok, you two, don't make me come down there! Aargh, I guess I'll have to, I sure ain't gonna come down here.
: Bobo, I always knew you were a low-life, motherless scumbag, but this takes the cake. Darph Bobo
: Flattery will get you nowhere.
: [to Jack
] You can always trust Six's sucking to put color back on your cheeks.
: We have to find out if she's who she says she is, and there's only one way to prove it. Six
: [Chode grabs Six's arm to lead her away
] Ah! Gus
: Oh, you're not actually going to have sex with her now, on a plane full of deadly snakes, and flying on fumes? Chode
: Relax, this shouldn't take long.
: This day is turning out to be just one shit-sandwich after another.
: I don't think this is due East. Chode
: Now you're sounding like Six!. What the hell does due East mean anyway?
: Haha! You guys couldn't catch herpes in a whorehouse!
: Holy crap! Where in the temple toilet!
: [off screen
] Eight minutes to the annihilation of Pyridia Gus
: Well, that's that. You can kiss my shiny ass goodbye. Chode
: If that doesn't make me wanna get outta here, nothing will.
: Is money all you ever think about? Chode
: Well, that and snatcheroosky... 'less there's a game on.
: Ugh. Nice landing. Chode
: Hey! You try driving sober!
: How are we ever gonna find him? Chode
: Kid, I don't know everything. Gus
: Do you know anything? Chode
: I know a robot who's gonna get his ass kicked.
: [to Aidan
] There's bound to be a bit of friction between two alpha males such as yourselves. I should know, my own father and I once fought over the same toothless hooker. Chode
: [the pacifist teenagers groan
] Hey, don't knock it till you tried it.
: Darph Bobo! I thought I smelled Vaseline. What do you want, anyway? Darph Bobo
: Hmm, what do I want? Oh yeah... BLOODY VENGEANCE! Six of One
: Where do you know this guy from? Chode
: Uh, hi. We spent some time together in prison. Gus
: Oh let me guess, judging by his size, I'd say you were the bitch, am I right?
: Why don't you fight without using your faggot clown powers, son? Darph Bobo
: Very well, "faggot clown powers" indeed!
: Who are you talking to? Chode
: Uh, ship's recorder. Gus
: Oh, it's broken. Chode
: Then what the hell have you been fixing these past two days? Gus
: The trans-digital freon convertor. Chode
: And what's that for? Gus
: It makes ice cubes. Chode
: You mean to tell me that with all the crap that's broken on this ship you start with the fucking ice machine?
: Come on, you lipstick-wearing felch monkey!
: Sorry I'm late, but the lines at Sex Toys 'R Us were around the block. Whip
] What you get? What you get me uncle Chode? Chode
: Eh, that isn't for you, kid. Just some pizza flavored eatable undies for my lady here. Heheh. Your old uncle likes a midnight snack.
: I think he'd like to think of himself as a man now. Chode
: A man? No, being a man takes years of fighting and screwing and drinking and whoring. And fighting a little more and then a lot more drinking and then more whoring if there's time.
: Freak or no freak, I'm not going to give in to that grease painted balloon blower. That clown is going down!
: [to Gus
] Your queer-eye is about as usefull as T'Nuk's thighmaster. T'nuk
: Hey, that worked! I can crack a wallnut with my thighs! Chode
: Good! Cause that's the only thing going near 'em.
: And this is my sex android and science officer, Six. Six, Benito. Grandpa Benito
] Woa, Missy! If it wasn't for this trick prostate of mine, I'd be giving you the full on salute.
: Well, XP had a field day with the ship's circuit board. Chode
: Well, how long until you bring things back to normal? Gus
: It will take me three weeks just to get the light to come on when you open the fridge.
: I got a job for ya... Six
: Chode, you're outta luck. My vagina's in the shop for it's maintenance checkup.
: [looking at a black and white village and a castle
] I have a bad feeling about this... Chode
: Yeah, black and white usually means the fucking producers ran outta money.
: Geez, whoever said 'die young and leave a beautiful corpse', never met this stiff.
: It's harmless fun, Chode, why don't you give it a try? Chode
: Forget it. Do I look like an idiot? T'nuk
: Is that a trick question?
: What is it you would like to know about your future? Chode
: Eh, am I going to be rich? Will I be happy? Will I live to see Michael Jackson make a comeback?
: Chode, you can't be serious. You can't go through life being invisible. Chode
: Why not? Works for the homeless.
: You sure you won't come with us? Six
: You know, we talked about it, but we feel it's much safer to remain on a ship that is about to self destruct.
: Hey, relax, guys, if anyone can get out of here, it's Six. Gus
: Hm! What does she know about the intricacies of the male anatomy? Chode
: Hah! If anyone knows their way around a man's body, it's her. She does this thing with her tongue, you know, right on the rim of your... Yoo, just thinking about it makes me... Gus
: Chode! Focus! We are about to explode! Chode
: My thoughts exactly.
: Thank goodness! His anus! Chode
: What words are never uttered by a straight guy?
: You could be looking at thirty years. Chode
: Hey, I-I-I'm entitled to a phone call. Commander Adam
: You had one yesterday, remember? Too bad you blew it on phone sex.
: Chance, I was wondering, have you seen my pussy? Chode
: [posing as Chance
] No, but the night is still young.
: Can I get you guys a drink? Chode
: [posing as Chance
] Tie me to the bedpost! Sue Anne
: That's wodka, rum, melon liqueur and sour mix, right? Chode
: No, tie me to the bedpost, really.
: [Chode's chair has been stolen
] Holy shit! My command post! My symbol of power!
[starts to sob
: What got stolen, his chair or his dick?
: No! My men's magazines collection! They got them all! Oh, they were priceless! Hef came to me to do research!
: Relax, Six, you weren't going anywhere, he was beat from the get. I had Gus stand over with his goons not just to reinsure him that I wouldn't pull a fast one, it was so I could see his cards in the reflection of Gus' chest.
: You mean you're willing to put all our precious lives at risk just so your insurance won't go up a dollar? Chode
: Hey, I may need that dollar one day to stick down a strippers G-string.
: Remember, these are the same Earth people that later changed their constitution to make Arnold Schwarzenegger president. And you know what happened after that.
: Please, if I don't find Adam's son, I'm a dead man! T'nuk
: I know! You keep harping on that like it's a bad thing. Gus
: Yeah, what's that about?
: Damn, this mud is riding my thong underwear like sandpaper! Six
: That's why I always wear crotchless whenever I travel. Chode
: Can you two chatty catties get a move on? I know it's only my life in the balance!
: How come you couldn't figure out 'La Cage aux Poofter' was a gay bar? Chode
: I told ya, I thought 'poofter' was foreign for 'snatcherooski'.
: It certainly goes to prove, you can't go around screwing everything that moves. Chode
: It's not doing Paris Hilton's career any harm.
: [to Postal worker robot
] Ah, go flush yourself a stainless steel turd!
: Commence Operation Get Me Laid!
: After surviving my own near death experience, I see now what a bastard I've been.
[the crew is stunned
: You mean: lazy, selfish bastard. Chode
: That's absolutely right, Bob, I stand corrected. T'nuk
: Make that: fat, lazy, selfish, selfish bastard. Gus
: Actually, I was going to throw in ego-maniacal. Whip
: Nah, too wordy. How does 'self centered purple creepazoid' grab ya?
: I wanna learn how to be a selfless lover. Six
: Huh? Chode
: You know, to do things in bed that... you like to do. Six
: Okay... Chode
: So, what do you wanna do? Six
: How about we talk about my feelings and cuddle? Chode
: I can do that... Does, eh, cuddling involve you taking it up the caboose? Six
: I suppose it's a step in the right direction.
: What's wrong? Is my dingle dangling out of my fly? T'nuk
: What fly? You don't even wear pant, pea-brain!
: Uncle Chode, where did all these spider webs come from? I mean we're on an abandoned ship in the middle of space... Chode
: Hmm, good question, kiddo, remind me to Google it when we get home.
: What is this strange thing? We have never seen anything like it. Fat Kubrickian
: It looks like a man and yet, it has the fey, girlish manners of a woman. Gus
: You've never even seen a robot before and already you think I'm gay? Chode
: They're primitive, not stupid.
: If word gets out I was jilted at the altar, I'll be considered damaged goods! Chode
: You were born damaged goods. T'Nuk
: Let's not get technical!
: [climbs onto Chode, who is floating in the pool
] Look at this funny float I found!
: If you blow on the little purple thing sticking up, I'll float even better.
: I'm through taking orders from you. I'm going back to George. He treats me like a lady, not just some piece of ass. Chode
: Yeah, but... you're not just a piece of ass to me. A lot of the times, I'm thinking about your boobs, too.
: Look lady, we don't want any troube. I better warn you people, I got a purple belt. Katherine 'Kitty' Malak
: In what?
[extends her fingernails like claws
: In my drawer at home... It goes with my purple shirt and my purple pants.
: [regarding a murder
] So you see, ladies, this murder may remain one of life's most baffling mysteries, kind of like how Jean-Claude Van Dumb ever had an acting career!
: This scheme stinks to high heaven and Darph Bobo.
: I'm not nuts, I saw it with my own three eyes.
: Anybody else notice that we keep passing the same stars and planets every thirty seconds? Chode
: That's the screensaver, Whip.
: Are you kidding? You're not gonna wear that, are ya? I have a reputation to uphold. Six
: It is a little revealing... Chode
: Not revealing enough! I wanna see more Victoria, less secret.
: What do you think of these melons?
[holds up two melons over her breasts
: What is this, the fucking "Benny Hill Show"?
: [off screen
] What do you mean, he's not coming? Chode
: I tried, Darph, honestly I did. Darph Bobo
: [on viewscreen
] Maybe you didn't try hard enough! What did he say when you asked him? Chode
: He said he'd rather sit throught a Ben Affleck film retrospective.
: You wanna play army? Big breasted TV reporter
: How do you play that? Chode
: I salute and you blow the hell outta me.
: The closest planet is Moldavia V. Chode
: Is that the planet where the women are insatiable nymphomaniacs? Gus
: No. Chode
: Damn. Where is that planet?
: You know something, this is the beginning of a beautiful relationship. Whip
: The beginning? I've known you all my life. Chode
: Yeah, but this is the first time I'm willing to admit it.
: What the hell do you think you're doing? T'nuk
: Looking for change that might have fallen down between the seat cushions. Chode
: How do you expect money to fall out of my pockets when I don't wear pants? Huh? You ever think of that?
: What, may I as, is the big hurry? Chode
: Dugh! It's lapdance Tuesday at McHooter's!