Crystal
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Quotes for
Crystal (Character)
from The Chumscrubber (2005)

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The Chumscrubber (2005)
Crystal Falls: I probably would have ended up with a football player if I hadn't met you. And I'm not gonna lie - you've really kept it interesting, but I'm done.
Billy: What the fuck are you talking about?

Crystal Falls: [after Crystal's friends have mocked Troy's death to humiliate Dean] Look, I just wanted to apologize for what happened back there.
Dean Stiffle: Why? Did you do it?
Crystal Falls: No, but my friends did.
Dean Stiffle: Oh. Some pretty nice friends you got there.
Crystal Falls: What are you saying? It's better to have no friends at all?
Dean Stiffle: Actually, yeah. Yeah it is.

Crystal Falls: [Billy is playing Charlie's tuba] What are you doing?
Billy: I was thinking of going out for marching band. It seems like that's what the chicks are into, right Crystal?
Crystal Falls: Oh yeah, Charlie nailed me all night long. It was unreal.
[Billy throws down the tuba, destroying it]
Crystal Falls: Why the hell did you do that for, Billy?
Billy: Because I'm a stupid bastard.

Billy: [to Charley] Hey, shitballs, come here. I want to show you something. Now, when you get to high school, if anyone tries to kick your ass - well, you're probably gonna get your ass kicked anyways, but if you weren't such a pussy, you could try this. Come at me, hit me in the chest.
[Charlie weakly hits him]
Billy: No, really come at me like you got a pair.
[Charlie lunges at Billy, who tosses him across the room]
Billy: Good! That was good!
Crystal Falls: Oh, my God, Billy! Are you hurt, Charley?
Lee: [Interrupting] He's about half your size, man!
Billy: Are you fucking kidding me? We're fucking kidnapping this kid! Am I the only one who fucking remembers that?
Lee: You're such a dick, Billy.

Crystal Falls: How do you eat that stuff?
Dean Stiffle: What, this?... Pretty much in a standard way.
Crystal Falls: You know, if I ate that everyday, I'd have a big fat ass.
Dean Stiffle: Is that your greatest fear?
Crystal Falls: No, but it's my mom's greatest wish.
Dean Stiffle: What? That you be fat?
Crystal Falls: No, just fatter than her, anyway.
Dean Stiffle: Sounds healthy.

Dean Stiffle: I read the statistics, that the average kid sees something like, 10,000 dead bodies on TV before he turns 18.
Crystal Falls: Is that what it was like? Like TV?
Dean Stiffle: No - it wasn't like that at all.

Crystal Falls: Dean, you're not crazy.
Dean Stiffle: You know... there are several major book chains that would be willing to disagree with you on that point.

Crystal Falls: You really don't care what people think, do you?
Dean Stiffle: No, I really don't.
Crystal Falls: That's a nice trick.
Dean Stiffle: Thanks, I studied in the far east.
Crystal Falls: Maybe you can show me how it's done?
Dean Stiffle: Step one? Years of ridicule.

Crystal Falls: Is it true that you found Troy?
Dean Stiffle: Why?
Crystal Falls: I was... just wondering.
Dean Stiffle: Just wondering - so you want me to tell you a bunch of gory details, is that it?
Crystal Falls: [Crystal begins to walk away] It's impossible trying to talk to you.

Dean Stiffle: Crystal, come on in!
Crystal Falls: Dean I need your help...
Dean Stiffle: [Troy's hanging from a rope tied to the ceiling] It's Troy. Look, Troy's back!
Crystal Falls: That's not funny!
Dean Stiffle: Come on, Crystal. You remember Troy... you guys were friends, right?
Troy: She wasn't my friend. Is that what she said?
Dean Stiffle: Oh, well - Troy says you guys weren't friends.
Crystal Falls: Dean, there's nobody here.
Troy: Tell her to fuck off!
Dean Stiffle: I don't think Troy wants to see you right now, so...
Crystal Falls: Dean, Troy's dead! I mean he killed himself...
Dean Stiffle: No, no, no! No, he's back. He's not dead. Troy, tell her you're not dead.
Troy: I am not dead.
Dean Stiffle: You see, Crystal?
Troy: ...But who could call this a life. Well - here we go.
[Troy falls from the rope onto the floor]
Dean Stiffle: Troy...
Crystal Falls: Dean?
Dean Stiffle: Troy...
Crystal Falls: Dean, stop it.
Dean Stiffle: [Troy's shadow is cast over the wall towards Dean] What do you want? Look this wasn't my fault! Okay?
Dean Stiffle: [Towards Crystal] He didn't even tell me, okay? He was my best friend and he didn't even tell me he was going to kill himself! I could have stopped him. I wish I could have stopped him...
Crystal Falls: Dean... Dean, Charley's going to get hurt!

Crystal Falls: You all right? I mean, after what Billy did this morning?
Dean Stiffle: It's fine. I don't care.
Crystal Falls: I'm Crystal.
Dean Stiffle: I know. Everyone knows who you are.
Crystal Falls: You don't like to talk much, do you? I mean, or is it just that you don't like talking to me?
Dean Stiffle: What do you want?
Crystal Falls: I just want to say I'm sorry, that's all.
Dean Stiffle: Oh, you were apart of that?
Crystal Falls: No, but they're my friends. The guys who did it.
Dean Stiffle: Oh. Nice friends you have.
Crystal Falls: Well, better to have no friends at all?
Dean Stiffle: Honestly? Yeah. Yeah it is. Yeah.
Crystal Falls: You know that's why you get so much shit, right? The way you act like you're so much smarter than everyone else?
Dean Stiffle: Well, I don't torment people I don't know...
Crystal Falls: I thought you said you didn't care.
Dean Stiffle: I'm talking about Troy. But since you can't apologize to him for this morning, I guess apologizing to me is enough to make yourself feel better, is that right?
Crystal Falls: You know what? I was really wrong. You're definitely not smarter than the rest of us.
Dean Stiffle: Oh? And why is that?
Crystal Falls: ...Because Troy was my friend.

Dean Stiffle: Hello?
Crystal Falls: Dean?
Dean Stiffle: ...Jesus, can't you guys just leave me alone?
Crystal Falls: I'd love to Dean, but I can't.
Dean Stiffle: Yeah, why not?
Crystal Falls: I need your help.
Dean Stiffle: Yeah, I doubt that.
Crystal Falls: You know it all, huh?
Dean Stiffle: What do you want, Crystal?
Crystal Falls: Well, you know when Billy said he kidnapped your brother?
Dean Stiffle: Yeah, that was a pretty lame bullshit job, huh?
Crystal Falls: No, it was no bullshit. He did take a kid, he just took the wrong one.
Dean Stiffle: The wrong what?
Crystal Falls: The wrong kid. Even though he has nothing to do with you, he won't let him go.
Dean Stiffle: ...I don't believe you.

Crystal Falls: [Sitting on a bench overlooking the neighbourhood] How old are you?
Charley Bratley: Thirteen.
Crystal Falls: Then why are you so small?
Charley Bratley: I don't know. Just am... My dad put me on this bulk 2000 for a while, this powder stuff? It ended up costing him $400, but after a couple of weeks, I got really bad diarrhea. I ended up losing, like, eight pounds. My dad went ballistic.
[Crystal and Charlie both laugh together. Charlie takes a puff of a cigarette and coughs]
Crystal Falls: You don't smoke, do you?
Charley Bratley: Sure... Well, no.
Crystal Falls: Well here's a secret...
Crystal Falls: [Takes the cigarette from Charlie] Don't act like somebody you're not. You do that long enough, you'll forget you were acting. And so will everyone else.

[Dean answers the phone to Billy]
Dean Stiffle: ...What?
Billy: Dean?
Dean Stiffle: What do you want?
Billy: We got Charlie.
Dean Stiffle: Who?
Billy: Your brother. We kidnapped your brother.
Dean Stiffle: What are you talking about, man?
Billy: I got him right now, man. He's scared shitless.
Dean Stiffle: [pauses] Why did you kidnap my brother?
Billy: So you know I'm not fucking around, I want the stuff from Troy.
Dean Stiffle: I already told you...
Billy: [Interrupting] I don't think you're listening. You are going to *get* me Troy's drugs.
Dean Stiffle: Or what?
Billy: Don't push me, psycho!
Dean Stiffle: [Dean walks downstairs and finds his brother sitting on the couch] ... Or what?
Billy: I'll kill him. That's what, I'm going to kill him... I'm not fucking around man, I swear to God, I'll cut off his fucking head!
Dean Stiffle: [pauses to look at his brother] Fine. Kill him.
[Billy hangs up]
Crystal Falls: What did he say?
Billy: ...Maybe he really is crazy.
Crystal Falls: Billy, what did he say?
Billy: He said for us to kill him.