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Quotes for
Billy Hardcastle (Character)
from "Last of the Summer Wine" (1973)

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"Last of the Summer Wine: Who's That Talking to Lenny? (#27.7)" (2006)
[first lines]
Nora: And that's supposed to entertain the over-sixties. I hope they think it's been worth waiting sixty years.
Billy: Give us a chance. It looks better in costume.
Alvin: And with all the pizazz, the lights, the music...
Nora: The audience leaving.
[Nora leaves]
Billy: Do you think she can smile? Do you think her muscles have gone slack?
Alvin: Huh. Have you seen her corsets? I don't think there's a chance for anything to go slack.
Billy: Hey, she was married to Wally for fifty years. I don't think he raised a smile.
Alvin: He was probably waiting waiting till she was in a good mood.

Billy: Which bits didn't you like?
Nora: The beginning.
Alvin: We're working on it.
Nora: And the end.
Billy: But in between?
Nora: Rubbish.

Entwistle: When he gets crowd, what then?
Billy: This mystery voice will come in and guide him.
Entwistle: If he believes stuff like that, it seems shame not to sell him nearly new washer and dryer.
Truly: Control your commercial instincts! This is a man with a message.
Entwistle: Washing machine comes with message, and full instructions.
Billy: But does it work?
Entwistle: If not, he's in luck - I do repairs.

"Last of the Summer Wine: The Swan Man of Ilkley (#26.1)" (2005)
Alvin: The thing about Rita Hayworth was she was just my size.
Clegg: Alvin, you shrunk Rita Hayworth?
Billy: What did Aly Khan have to say?
Alvin: It wasn't his Rita Hayworth. This was a lass from Macclesfield.

Clegg: Don't stare; it's rude.
Billy: Exactly. Anybody would think we'd never seen a bloke in a dressing gown up to his waist in water strangling a swan before.

Lenny: [about Nora Batty] Where did *that* come from? Did somebody rub an old lamp?
Alvin: You get used to her.
Billy: You what?
Alvin: Well, her husband must of got used to her.
Billy: He *died*! D'you think that's getting used to her?

"Last of the Summer Wine: Has Anyone Seen a Peruvian Wart? (#26.3)" (2005)
[last lines]
Clegg: Crowcroft. So, I mean, how is he?
Truly: Well, he was looking much better when he said goodbye.
Clegg: Goodbye? Where's he going?
Billy: Into a monastery he said.
Truly: In Peru.
Alvin: Maybe it's nice in Peru.
Billy: Maybe there are no warts in Peru.
Clegg: Huh. I must admit I've never seen a Peruvian with a wart. I was only thinking so this morning. I suppose we've led such sheltered lives. You get to our age and you've never seen a Peruvian with a wart.

[first lines]
Billy: Tha's looking for a female companion; I'm looking to get rid of the wife's sister. It's the perfect solution.
Smiler: Uh, I wouldn't say perfect.
Billy: She's quite... well... very nearly quite attractive. If you don't mind warts.
Tom: We've talked about blemishes; he's not expecting perfection. He- he'd consider loss of leg, going bald.
Billy: You're home free. She's got a full set.
Smiler: What about facial hair?
Billy: Yeah, with nearly every wart! Eee, th've struck lucky again, Smiler. Is this uncanny or what!
Tom: He doesn't mind warts, do you?
Smiler: Depends on the bits in between.
Billy: Ah. The warts are the best bits. But, she'd be company to you in the winter of your years.
Smiler: Sounds like another hard winter.

Truly: Why do you think the Vikings used to come here?
Billy: Looting and violence.
Alvin: I thought that was Manchester United.
Truly: Only on Saturdays. Weekdays it was the Vikings.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Hey, Big Vendor (#22.4)" (2001)
[first lines]
Clegg: Can I just... summarize the situation here? We've just seen Billy Hardcastle disappear up a tree.
Truly: Yes, I noticed that.
Clegg: Carrying what to the casual observer looked like a length of rope with him.
Truly: Length of rope. Yes, saw that.
Billy Hardcastle: Eh, da- Oh blooming heck.
Clegg: But, don't you think we ought to inquire what his plans are?
Truly: He seemed perfectly cheerful.
Clegg: What, climbing up a tree at his age? That could be construed as another bad sign.
Truly: How're you doing up that tree, Billy?
Billy Hardcastle: I'm doing great. Apart from a bit of trouble with this damn great knot.

[last lines]
Truly: I don't know why they got so mad with Barry. He's just given the golf course a new hole.
Billy Hardcastle: He'd a' lacquered it, that one.
Clegg: I thought Howard was moving well. I hope he puts the kettle on.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Watching the Clock (#26.2)" (2005)
[first lines]
Truly: [on a makeshift teeter-totter behind a wall] It's a while since I did this.
Clegg: Didn't do it a lot in the police force, then?
Truly: Problem was keeping your helmet on.
Billy: Didn't you wear a chin-strap?
Truly: Very dangerous, chin-straps. A person could creep up behind, grab your helmet, start pulling back, and there you were being strangled.
Billy: Did it ever happen to thee?
Truly: Fairly regularly.
Billy: Hmm, sounds a bit rough. Where were you stationed?
Truly: It wasn't at work. It used to happen at home. It was the former Mrs Truelove. As soon as I came through the door, wallop, grab your helmet.

Billy: You know what they're like at parties.
Entwistle: Ugly.
Tom: Why ugly?
Entwistle: I don't know why. I just know the one who gets you in a corner always ugly.
Tom: They get better as the night goes on.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Available for Weddings (#26.6)" (2005)
Alvin Smedley: We could take a shortcut.
Billy Hardcastle: What shortcut? There's the road we came on and that's all. Trust me. This is my backyard, tha knows: outlaw country.
Alvin Smedley: You could get lost in a phone booth.

Billy Hardcastle: You know me, I laugh at danger! And this looks hilarious.

"Last of the Summer Wine: How to Remove a Cousin (#27.2)" (2006)
[last lines]
Truly: I think I liked Aubrey better when his knees were wobbly,
Billy: True. But I see Aubrey as the kind of person who had legs that would sober up.
Truly: Hunh. Well, it just shows, you can't trust anybody.
Clegg: Well, even wobbly, you couldn't live long with Aubrey's knees.

[first lines]
Billy: Hey, do you think Alexander the Great used to have a pack lunch?
Clegg: Oh, you can't go conquering without a pack lunch. They couldn't drop in to a Jumbo Burger.
Truly: History never gets down to these revealing details, like, uh... did the man have a painful corn, so he had to wear sandals?
Alvin: He'd have a corn specialist amongst his retinue, and an ear, nose and throat guy.
Billy: He died young, though, didn't he?
Truly: Well, maybe his corn went septic.
Clegg: Well, I expect if they were riding all day they probably got their corns somewhere else.
Billy: Stands to reason he'd have a pack lunch. I'll bet his mother said, "You can't go conquering the known world on an empty stomach."
Truly: Aye. "Keep off those oily foreign foods," she said. "Eat your greens."
Alvin: "And don't let me catch you up those mountains without a woolly vest."
Clegg: Do you think that's why he left home?
Billy: Probably.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Hermione (the short course) (#26.4)" (2005)
[last lines]
Clegg: Who married Whitehorn's lass?
Billy: Tall kid from Denby Street.
Truly: Venables.
Billy: Took to drink.
Truly: I thought that was you.
Clegg: Didn't we go to his funeral?
Billy: He's still alive!
Clegg: Oh well, we probably didn't then.
Truly: That was another Venables.
Billy: A dead one. You'd think some people'ld know the difference.
Alvin: [climbing out of river] I'm Alvin, swimmer of rivers.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Lot No. 8 (#26.9)" (2005)
[first lines]
Truly: Are we getting too old, Billy? Too set in our ways? Losing that playful edge.
Billy: Naw.
Truly: You sure about that?
Billy: Trust me.
Truly: Fair enough.
[they roller-skate off down the road]

"Last of the Summer Wine: Mervyn Would Be Proud (#23.3)" (2002)
[first lines]
Billy: I wish somebody'd find the wife's sister attractive, and set up home with her in some far distant land.
Truly: Liverpool?
Billy: Farther than that.
Truly: They're very close are they, your wife and her sister?
Billy: It's not only a blood relationship; they're joined even closer by this common bond. Suspicion of me.
Truly: I see. The blood in the relationship is usually yours.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Plenty of Room in the Back (#27.9)" (2006)
[first lines]
Alvin: Instead of traveling by bicycle, I might have been a Greek shipping millionaire.
Billy: Tha's not even Greek.
Truly: He could lie! I mean if, if people saw him dancing and breaking a few plates he might get away with it.
Alvin: I'm speaking hypothetically.
Billy: That's Greek for a start.
Alvin: Assuming I was born Greek.
Clegg: Uh, did your mother know you were Greek? I mean, as far as I know she never went farther than Bridlington.
Truly: Well, maybe he could be a Bridlington shipping millionaire.
Alvin: It's not the same, is it? I'm talking oil tankers and love affairs with opera singers.
Billy: Have you seen the size of opera singers! Tha'd need the bicycle just to give her a cuddle.

"Last of the Summer Wine: The Man Who Invented Yorkshire Funny Stuff (#24.9)" (2003)
[last lines]
Billy: Too much man for one woman! I bet if he had to retake a test he'd fail.
Clegg: Well, what's he digging for? You don't think he's still using worms?
Billy: Is that the secret? You come at them with a worm, they go to jelly.
Clegg: Well, they did at school.
Truly: You won't find that in Kama Sutra.
Billy: That's Indian funny stuff. Old Coop's invented Yorkshire funny stuff.
Truly: Heh, he didn't even recognize us. I expect after all he's been through his eyesight's not what it was.
Clegg: Does he carry one with him? I mean, huh, where do you keep a worm between engagements?

"Last of the Summer Wine: It All Began with an Old Volvo Headlamp (#23.10)" (2002)
[first lines]
Billy: I used to come out here with an old Volvo headlamp, put it to me ear and listen to the universe.
Clegg: In Swedish?
Billy: Feel at one with nature.
Clegg: You feel at one with the ground being hard.
Truly: There's a hallowed police technique for calming unruly prisoners that used to make you feel quite close to nature.
Clegg: You never mentioned it at flower arranging.
Billy: And what did the universe used to say, tha must be wondering.
Truly: It used to say, "Who's that idiot with the Volvo headlamp?"
Clegg: "Oh, it's only Billy Hardcastle," it used to say, "earwigging again."
Billy: It used to say nowt, actually. Makes you wonder whether there's owt there.
Clegg: The question man has been asking since his time began: is there anything beyond the reach of a Volvo headlamp.

"Last of the Summer Wine: The Lair of the Cat Creature (#24.2)" (2003)
[last lines]
Billy: [being carried on a stretcher] I tell thee what, the ale's improving round here.
[gives 'Cat Creature' cry]

"Last of the Summer Wine: In Which Gavin Hinchcliffe Loses the Gulf Stream (#24.6)" (2003)
[first lines]
Billy: I saw Gavin Hinchcliffe yesterday.
Billy: There's no need to get excited.
Tom: Yesterday I was interviewing a bank manager.
Truly: You, in a bank? Huh. Must have been a river bank.
Billy: I bet I haven't seen Gavin Hinchcliffe since we were at school.
Truly: Huh.
Billy: He looked just the same.
Clegg: Does it suit him, still being in short trousers?
Billy: No, nervous and twitchy. He must have jumped three foot in the air when I clapped him on the back and said, "How do, Gavin?"
Truly: I can understand that. It'd scare me on a sudden appearance, and I've got nerves of steel.
Clegg: Pass.
Truly: What I can't understand is what was Tom doing in a bank.
Tom: I often go to a bank.
Truly: Could one ask what for? It's not as if you had any chance of getting any money.
Tom: It's like Wembley; you go for the atmosphere.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Oh Look! Mitzi's Found Her Mummy (#27.8)" (2006)
[first lines]
Entwistle: You fire arrow at sky. Where it falls can tell good luck or bad.
Truly: Sounds like a load of rhubarb to me.
Entwistle: Very ancient rhubarb.
Billy: Right, stand back. Let's give it a whack.
[Billy shoots an arrow straight up]
Truly: [staring up] Looks like bad luck to me.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Beware of the Hot Dog (#23.5)" (2002)
[last lines]
Clegg: I think Wesley's a bit heavy with the oil, especially on his overalls.
Billy: Try as you like, I don't think cookery will ever replace good food.
Truly: Don't you get fed up watching all these cookery programs?

"Last of the Summer Wine: Happy Birthday Robin Hood (#25.4)" (2004)
[last lines]
Billy: Every year I fire this arrow with a message on it. Happy birthday, Robin Hood.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Has Anyone Seen Barry's Midlife Crisis? (#27.3)" (2006)
Clegg: I remember Wagstaff; didn't want to go to Heaven if there was no marmalade.
Truly: No way was he going to live forever without a full English breakfast.
Billy: You have to suspect that Heaven's going to be big on organic and plenty of fibre.
Alvin: Anyway, Wagstaff was looking in the wrong direction if he wanted toast.

"Last of the Summer Wine: A Brief Excursion in the Fast Lane (#23.1)" (2002)
[last lines]
Billy: He won't beat me next time, the big gob! He's not past cheating, if you take your eyes off him.
Truly: This man must be ready for a pint.
Billy: Do I hear two?
Clegg: It's his legs. You can't fill legs like that.
Boy: [polishing his scooter] Any time, Mr Hardcastle.
[Billy snarls at him]

"Last of the Summer Wine: Beware of Laughing at Nora's Hats (#25.9)" (2004)
[last lines]
Clegg: Do you think you can ever really be forgiven for insulting a hat?
Truly: Huh. People used to laugh at me when I was a bobby, but I found if you smiled and were forgiving you could usually get the beggars later.
Billy: Sometimes they laugh at me for wearing such a big feather.
Clegg: Well, you should try wearing it in your hat.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Enter the Hawk (#22.5)" (2001)
[first lines]
Tom: Is this it, then? We've come all this way just to stare underwater.
Truly: Your father used to enjoy it. But then, he used to enjoy Nora Batty.
Billy: I suppose secretly we all have these weird ideas.
Truly: We noticed you do.
Clegg: I think that's true. I once went through this really bad patch when I thought I wanted to be the minister of agriculture.
Billy: That's really weird.
Tom: I have to ask: what is it exactly we're supposed to be looking for?
Billy: Tell him to keep an eye out for these weird wriggly things.
Truly: Sounds just like my time with the vice squad.

"Last of the Summer Wine: A White Sweater and a Solicitor's Letter (#22.8)" (2001)
[first lines]
Auntie: Hem, ahem.
Billy Hardcastle: My, it's a right bow, is that. I'll bet tha could really overcharge for a bow like that.
Auntie: Make me an offer.
Billy Hardcastle: Ah, if I do I'm dead. The wife wants a new table lamp.
Auntie: Well, that's amazing! Funnily enough, this bow comes complete with a *free* table lamp.
Billy Hardcastle: That is amazing. Think I'm being sucked in here.
Auntie: Belonged to a champion archer, won all the competitions.
Billy Hardcastle: Accurate, is it?
Auntie: Accurate! Huh. He used to post his letters with it from his bedroom window. And they lived three hundred yards from the nearest postbox.
Billy Hardcastle: Wrapped 'em round his arrows, did he?
Auntie: Ah, well, *they* were stamped with his own address; the postman delivered them back.
Billy Hardcastle: Crafty! So how come he sold this amazing bow?
Auntie: Arthritis. In his elbow. Affected his aim. Shot a traffic warden and had to flee from all the messages of congratulation.
Billy Hardcastle: Is it a good free table lamp? The wife wants summat different.
Auntie: Well, the difference is you'll have your bow.
Billy Hardcastle: Tha can't argue with sound logic.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Merry Entwistle and Jackson Day (#26.11)" (2005)
[first lines]
Billy: I know what the wife's sister's getting for Christmas. A pimple - side of her nose! It's developing really nicely.
Alvin: You make it sound like she's entering it for a competition.

"Last of the Summer Wine: A Hair of the Blonde That Bit You (#22.7)" (2001)
Billy Hardcastle: I don't do knitting by choice. Just Lincoln green tights. The wife flatly refuses, and you can't buy 'em. You ask for Lincoln green, they look at you as if you're thick.
Truly: I can understand that.
Billy Hardcastle: That's just what the wife says.
Clegg: I can understand that.
Billy Hardcastle: Well, must be off. If you weren't really strong willed around here, people would talk you out of being stupid.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Exercising Father's Bicycle (#23.8)" (2002)
[last lines]
Billy: How come she was chaining herself to railings?
Truly: Seemed rude to enquire.
Billy: Pity. It might of been some sort of club the missus could have joined.
Clegg: Bring your own railing.
Billy: I could have bought her some, for her birthday.
Clegg: I think that's sweet.
Truly: If you're going to keep spoiling her, she's always going to be difficult.
Billy: That's true. Let her buy her own railings.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Jurassic - No Parking (#25.1)" (2004)
[first lines]
Billy: I couldn't sleep last night for the wife snoring.
Truly: Didn't you give her a nudge?
Billy: She's in the next bedroom.
Clegg: Have you always been that close?
Billy: She sleeps with her sister. She says I'm the wrong temperature for sleeping with.
Clegg: Well, I think she's hinting that your thermostat has gone.
Truly: What temperature does she like?
Billy: Sub-tropical. I keep thinking there's a monsoon any minute.
Clegg: Yeah, they like to be warm. That generation had more clothes on in bed than than they wear for going out these days. You needed a honeymoon just to find your way about.

"Last of the Summer Wine: Who's That with Barry and Glenda? - It's Not Barry and Glenda (#25.5)" (2004)
Truly: The car! Isn't that Barry's car over there?
Billy: I think it is. It is Barry's car.
Truly: Call me suspicious, but I wonder what he's doing lurking out there among the trees?
Billy: Barry doesn't lurk. He works for a building society.
Truly: So did the Leicester Square strangler.
Clegg: I bet he was in the claims department.

"Last of the Summer Wine: The Mystical Squeak of Howard's Bicycle (#23.2)" (2002)
Billy: Do you think God keeps an eye on everything?
Truly: No, that's special branch.
Clegg: I thought it was her behind the curtains at number twenty-three.
Billy: It's very difficult round here to get a serious conversation.
Truly: Yeah. We've noticed that.
Clegg: We think it's because we mostly meet idiots.
Billy: I expect they think the same.

"Last of the Summer Wine: A Pick-up of the Later Ming Dynasty (#24.4)" (2003)
[last lines]
Tom: I can't believe Smiler knew a barmaid. Even one that squeaked.
Smiler: She was from Newcastle.
Billy: Oh well then, that explains it.
Truly: And what's all this about carrying the wife over the threshold?
Clegg: You can see where second marriages get more difficult.
Truly: I got a little too much to drink at the reception. I believe it was the former Mrs Truelove who carried me.