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: Can I watch The Simpsons, Grandad? Jim
: Ah ah ah, now what do we say? Little David
: Can I watch The Simpsons, please? Jim
: The Queen of Bloody Sheba has only stolen the batteries out of me bloody remote control! Dave Best
: What for? Jim Royle
: To fan her-bloody-self that's what for! So I've had to sit for an hour and watch 'Location, Location, Lo-bloody-cation'! Dave Best
: Well, why don't you just turn it over at the telly? Jim Royle
: Because that's what she wants, can't you see that? Me up and down like a blue arse fly! She's the puppet master! "pulling the strings, up and down up and down" You've got Barbra wiping her arse and plucking her bloody chin every half an hour, and everyone else has to empty her bag because she's too lazy top go for a bloody piss! And do you know what the crafty old cow's done now, the wicked old witch? She's stole the bloody battaries out of my bloody remote! Ya know what? Everything in this house revolves around her now! Dave Best
: I've not noticed. Jim Royle
: You've not noticed? Bloody hell lad, she's been lying on her back for the past six months where we used to sit and have our tea! And you haven't noticed? Bloody hell Dave! You go in that room and you tell Barbra I will not set foot in that room until I get me bloody batteries back in that! Dave Best
: Barbra, Jim said "he's not setting foot in that room until he get's his batteries back" Barbara Royle
: See what I mean Denise? Well you can tell him he can get off his big fat arse and go and get the batteries from the shop Dave Best
: She said "you can get off your big fat arse and go and get the batteries from the shop" Jim Royle
: Well you can tell her that if I do have to go to the shop and buy batteries, that have been stolen from my bloody remote, I won't be coming back! Dave Best
: Barbra... hang on, what did you say Jim? Jim Royle
: If I do have to go to the shop and buy batteries, that have been stolen from my remote, I won't be coming back! Dave Best
: He says "if he has to got to the shop, he won't be coming back" Barbara Royle
: Well you tell him if he thinks more of his remote control then he does of his own family he needn't bother coming back! Dave Best
: She said... Jim Royle
: I know what she said, I'm not bloody deaf Dave! I heard her you bloody great streak of piss! Go on, piss off!
: Is this hat too far forward? Jim Royle
: No, we can still see your face. I'm only jokin' Norma.
: [Denise's waters have broken
] Oh Denise! You're going to give birth on Christmas Day! Jim Royle
: I paid a quid for these pants and I've got fifty pence worth stuck up me arse.
: I'm off for a chat with the Arabs. Mustafa Crap.
: If you want something done around here, do it your bloody self. Barb get up there love!
: Hey, Dad. Jim Royle
] Hm? Antony Royle
: Where were you when Kennedy was shot? Because everyone's supposed to remember where they were. Jim Royle
: Kennedy dead? When?
] Jim Royle
: I don't know where the bloody hell I was, but wherever I was - there's a bloody good chance our immersion heater was on!