Junior Healy
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Quotes for
Junior Healy (Character)
from Problem Child (1990)

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Problem Child 2 (1991)
Ben Healy: Junior, you remember Ms. Klaukinski.
Junior: How could I forget? Her pie gave us the runs.

Murph: You don't know who you're talking to. I'm a senior student at this school.
Junior: No shit, you've been here since 1970.

Ben Healey: Junior, 3rd grade is the foundation of a great education. If you don't go, you'll only hurt yourself.
Junior Healy: I'm sure I'll take a few others down with me.

Trixie: You're gonna wish you'd never been born.
Junior: Ooh! I'm really scared. I'm being threatened by the Tidy Bowl girl!

[Junior is about to draw a mustache on a photo of Annie]
Trixie: I wouldn't do that if I were you!
Junior: If I were you I wouldn't do alot of things, like go out in public.

[after Junior shows the town a video of his babysitter and her boyfriend having sex]
Ben Healey: Junior, we're new here! Can't we at least attempt to fit in?
Junior Healey: What are you getting onto me for? I didn't do anything. I just watched it.
Ben Healey: Yes, and so did the entire neighborhood.
Junior Healey: I didn't hear any complaints.

[seeing his made-over bedroom]
Junior: Clowns! I hate clowns! This woman is busting my balls!

Junior: But my dad said the 3rd grade is the foundation of my education.
Mr. Peabody: Oh, your dad said that. Your dad is a Moron. He's a moron, you know what a moron is?, that's what your dad is.

Junior: Ahh, finally I get some room in here.
'Big' Ben Healy: You little psycho, this time you've gone too far.
Junior: Ah, shut your trap.
'Big' Ben Healy: You're an evil boy. And you've gotta learn to respect your elders. If your old man won't teach you some manners, by god I will.

Ben Healy: Junior, now you get out of this car! You are going to school.
Junior: No way I'd rather eat a turd!

Junior: [thinking in his head] The bitch... must die!

Junior: [thinking in his head] This babysitter sucks!

Voytek: [picks up phone] Hello?
Junior: Are you the guy that married Debbie Claukinski?
Voytek: [sobbing] Yes. She took my house, my money and my pride.
Junior: Well, I thought you'd like to know, she found herself a new guy, and their out at the St. Pierre club, having fun at your expense.
Voytek: Who is this?
Junior: Just call me... a friend.

[from the TV version]
Junior: Dad, can we go? These people are total idiots!

[from the TV version]
Junior: I'd rather jump off a cliff.

Mr. Thorn: [Junior enters his new classroom and the students begin laughing at him, while his new teacher Mr. Thorn walks over and rolls his eyes tiresomely] Oh, no. Not another one. How many kids are they going to make me teach?
[Junior hands Mr. Thorn his envelope]
Mr. Thorn: Well, get in here and find a seat. Go ahead. Come on, come on, come on! Hustle, small fry. I'm not gonna have you holding up my class all year. now, let's move it!
[Junior sits down at his desk]
Mr. Thorn: Now, let's start with a nice easy review to see how much you underachievers remember from last year. Polly, what's 17 times 8?
Polly: 136.
[Bows rather smart and sits back down]
Mr. Thorn: Good. Richard, what's 72 divided by -9?
Richard: -8, sir.
[sits back down]
Mr. Thorn: Fine. Murph!
[cut to Murph picking his nose]
Mr. Thorn: Murph! What's 3 plus 2?
Murph: Mmmmm... 4.
[Everyone laughs]
Mr. Thorn: [sighs] Murph, you've been in the 6th grade since I started teaching here, I really want to get you out this year. Now, please, please work with me. What's 3 plus 2?
Murph: 9?
[Everyone laughs again as Mr. thorn closes his eyes in despair]
Mr. Thorn: I can see this is going to be a long year.
Junior: [angrily] 5, all right? The answer is 5!
Mr. Thorn: You!
[walks over to Junior's desk]
Mr. Thorn: What're you saying?
Junior: Uh, I said 5.
Mr. Thorn: Dandy, I'm glad someone's paying attention here.

Ben Healy: Junior, we are new here in this community. Can't we, at least, attempt to fit in?
Junior: What're you getting angry at me for? I didn't do it. I just watched it.
Ben Healy: Yes, and so did the entire neighborhood.
Junior: I didn't hear any complaints.

Trixie: Junior, I'm sorry I squirted you with the fire hose.
Junior: That's okay, I'm sorry I made you barf on the Crazy Dance.

Trixie: I think your dad likes my mom. Usually when a guy does that, I hit him with a car and I knock him down the stairs, I've gotta look out for her. But your dad, he doesn't bug me so much.
Junior: And you know something? Your mom doesn't bug me so much.

Trixie: What'd you want me to come over so late for?
Junior: I had this crazy idea. I think our parents should get married!
Trixie: What are you talking about? Your dad is taken!
Junior: Well you know what, he may have a sudden change in plans.

Junior: [thinking] I know I told dad *I* wouldn't hurt Lawanda, but I never said the dog couldn't.

Junior: Clowns. I hate clowns! This woman has got to be destroyed!


Problem Child (1990)
Martin Beck: I drove over a thousand miles, to hang out with a seven year old.
Junior: I'm going to be eight in two weeks.
Martin Beck: Don't count on it.

Junior: Hey, Martin! Let's go see the bearded lady.
Martin: No, I've seen too many of them in prison.

Little Ben Healy: This is nature, huh? The trees. The forests.
Junior: [noticing a row of porta potties] The toilets.

Junior: I'm sorry Mr. Healy, please don't spank me.
Little Ben Healy: Well I'll have to punish you somehow. I'm taking back you're allowance.
Junior: The whole buck?
Little Ben Healy: Yes go get it.
Junior: [going through stolen money, thinking to himself] I wonder if he's got change for a twenty?

Junior: I hope you guys are insured.

Junior: Hahahahahaha!
Mr. Peabody: What's so funny?
Junior: You are you stupid dick!

Junior: Oh so you wanna play rough huh?

[imitating Mr. Peabody]
Junior: Maybe if I shrug my shoulders and move around my hands like this, maybe people will think I know what I'm talking about.

Mother Superior: You see Mr. Peabody the child is incorrigible.
Junior: I'm what? Why don't you speak English lady?

[Junior is scrubbing pots and pans on his birthday]
Mother Superior: Junior! What is taking you so long? We start serving dinner in 20 minutes.
Junior: I only got two hands!
Mother Superior: And I want these pots so shiny that I can see my face in them.
Junior: [Grabs a messy lid] This one kind of looks like you.

Junior: [seeing his bedroom full of clowns] Oh my God, they're retarded.

[after he broke several milk bottles]
Junior: I love the smell of spilled milk in the morning. It smells like victory.

Junior: You ever seen a grown man wear so much blue?

Junior: [luring a bear to the campsite] I bet you've never been camping before. It's so much fun! There's singing, marshmallows, and all sorts of stupid humans to scare!

Junior: [voiceover, on a stormy night a woman is carrying a basket] Nice night to be born. Apparently my birth is not considered a blessed event; that's me in the basket, and that's my mother carrying me.
[Junior's Mother puts him on a doorstep, rings the bell and disappears]
Junior: And that's my mother running away.

Junior: [being hauled to St. Brutus after bulldozing his parents house] I was just kidding! Oh no! Not the nuns! Not the nuns!

Junior: Why does this guy love me? Why does any parent love any kid? Maybe it's one of those answers we'll never know, like how high is up? Why is the sky blue? And whatever happened to Mrs. Healy?

Junior: [in Roy's station wagon chasing the Bow Tie killer, pulls out a rifle] Neat, look what I found!
Little Ben Healy: Hey that's Roy's, give me that.
Junior: Why? You can't drive and shoot at the same time!
Little Ben Healy: What do we do?
Junior: I've got an idea!
[cut to Junior driving and Ben aiming out the sunroof]
Junior: Shoot out his tires, Dad!

Junior: Some people never learn.

Mr. Peabody: What's so funny?
Junior: You are you stupid jerk.

Junior: Oh my Gosh they''re daffy.

Junior: [TV Version] I told him to back off, Mr. Healy!


Problem Child 3: Junior in Love (1995) (TV)
Junior Healy: [Junior is watching Corkeys Cereal Commercial on the T.V] Yeah, eat my shorts!

Junior Healy: [after Corky, and Lila Duvane fall through the stage, and the sand bags fall on top of them] Now THAT'S Entertainment!

Tiffany: [about Corky as Peter Pan] But who is this Magical Boy?
Junior Healy: [Appears as a Weed] Ahem... He's a conceited little dweeb who's Parents are ROBBING HIM BLIND!
Lila Duvane: Shut up!
[Junior takes a bow]

Junior Healy: I'm getting out.
Ben Healy: You can't just get out of a moving vehicle!
Junior Healy: Well anything's better than listening to this lecture!

Junior Healy: [about Junior wiping out the other Hockey Players and being kicked out of the League] Dad, Hockey is a dangerous Sport.
Ben Healy: No, it's not about Hockey, it's about the way You treat other People.
Junior Healy: I did nothing to Blade and those other Guys, that they would have done to Me... except they couldn't have done it with as much Style!
[Chuckles]

Junior Healy: Hi. This is me. Junior Healy. This is me and my dad Ben Healy. He's the best i love him and he loves me. This is my grandpa Big Ben Healy he's old wrinkly and mean. Believe it or not some people think i'm a devil but i'm not i'm an angel.

Junior Healy: What a dame!

Tiffany: Hi Junior.
Junior Healy: She said my name!

Junior Healy: High Ho Silver!