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: [Waking up from Azrael licking his face
] Smurfs... Smurfs...
: I wish I could quit you. Get out of here.
[Notices the fourth wall
: What are you looking at?
: [escaping prison in a cloud of flies
] So long, scallywags!
: I am not obsessed with Smurfs, thank you. I simply can't stop thinking about the miserable beasts every single minute of every single day!... Azrael
: Meow! Gargamel
: But I need them! It's only by capturing the little wretches and extracting their happy blue essence that my magic will finally become... not infallible... Azrael
: Meow! Gargamel
: INVINCIBLE, yes, thank you! I shall become the most powerful wizard in all of the world!
[Gargamel and Azreal cackle
: Yeah, but you're milking it, don't milk it.
: [playing with puppets
] La la lala lala, sing a happy song! La la lala lala, this is so wrong! "Oh, I'm Papa Smurf. I'm the head of a small group of blue people, and live in the forest with 99 sons and one daughter! Nothing weird about that, no no, totally normal!" "And I'm Smurfette! And I think I'm so pretty! And I betrayed Gargamel, and I don't even care! And everything is just sunshine and rainbows!"... But all of that is about to change!
[Azrael bathes himself
: Ahem. I said, "But all of that is about to change!" Azreal, that's your cue!
: Ye gods, Azrael! You're a boy?
: Well, at least they're not coming after us...
[Azrael falls through the portal into a pond, the Smurfs scarper
: Azrael? Are you dead?
: Must... have... SMURFS!
[jumps through the portal
: Oh, Azrael, we've come so far, yet I am haunted by the same familiar problem: how to find the Smurfs. If only I had a...
[Azrael hacks and coughs
: I'm sorry, is my thinking interrupting your vile habit? If only I had something of theirs: a drop of spittle, a fingernail, some hair even, then I could use my magic to hunt them down!
[Azrael coughs out a hairball
: Very nice. Are you done now? Azrael
[points at the hairball
: I don't want to look at it! What? YUCK! WHAT?... Is that...? No. No, it can't be... it is! The tiny locks of Smurfette! Oh, sweet follicular ambrosia! Oh, sweet strands of joy... mixed with a fair amount of cat vomit.
[holds up the hair
[Gargamel looks for a laboratory in New York City
: [climbs into a port-a-potty
] Oh. Yes. It's a bit small, but it should do nicely! Oh, it's even got its own cauldron.
[tries some magic...
: What died in here?... OPEN! OPEN! OPEN! OPEN! OPEN! OPPEEENNNN!
[finally falls out
: Somebody's been working in dark and terrible magic in there...!
: [at Belvedere Castle
] Daddy is HOME!
: The whole world will know the name that is Garbagesmell! Gargamel
: Gargamel. Odile
: With my help, the whole world will know the genius that is Gargamel! Azrael
[breaks into laughter
: [Odile is giving a demonstration of her anti-aging cream
] I see no transformation. Your potion has no power. She's still an eye-offending dogfish if you ask me. Odile
: This is my mother who you speaking of! Gargamel
: I'm so sorry, I didn't realize. How sad for you in thirty years.
: Son of a Smurf!
: [upon arrival in Central Park
] What manner of freakish hell is this?
: [playing with a Smurfette puppet
] "Oh, great one!" Yes, lying, deceptive, horrible little Smurfette? "After all your years of Smurfless searching, however do you expect to find us?" Oh, I'm very glad you asked, my dear! For, you see, I have a magical map, that shows me exactly where the Smurf village is! I shall now use my formidable powers to magically transport us here! Azrael
: Oh, no...
: There you are! By all means, relax here in the fresh air and the sunshine, while the missing Smurfs could be anywhere! Azrael
: What? Where?
: I am but a simple wizard with a simple desire: limitless power and world adulation! So why does it have to be so hard?
: I've done it! A Smurf of my very own! No one will ever call me a failure again! Weepy Smurf
: Everyone think you are a failure? Why, that's horrible!
: You... you feel bad for me? Weepy Smurf
] Well, of course I do. It must be tough going through life as an incompetent buffoon!
: [Approaches Weepy with a knife before reconsidering
] Why... ah... yes...
: it is...
] Believe it or not, no one respect me. Not my fellow wizards, not my mommy, not even Azrael.
[Cries out in tears
: [Meowing in confusion
] Weepy Smurf
: Ah you poor wizard you...
] Hefty Smurf
: I don't believe it. Weeping's still alive. Gargamel
: You know, I'm sorry I have to eat you, but if I don't, I'll hate myself!
[Cries out in tears, then blowing his nose with a handkerchief
] Weepy Smurf
: I know... I know...
[Cries out in tears
: Wa... wa... What am I'm saying? I'm about to taste victory!
[Opens the cage where Weepy is kept
: Come here, you little blue morsel! I waited a long time for this. Why, I could...
: weep for joy!
: [on TV
] Destruction. Devestation. A community in ruins. How did it come to this? Why did the dam fail? Gargamel
: I've spent my entire adult life looking for the Smurf Village! How did Anderson ****ing Cooper find it in less than a DAY?
[Gargamel finally cooks the Smurfs
: Triumph at last!
[tastes the Smurf masala... and dumps his dish in the bin
: [on the phone with take-away
] Hello?... It's Gargamel... Yes, the usual. Oh, with fried rice, please... For one.
: Oh you poor little things! Oh how terrible...! Here, here, I'll save you!
[Nets Smurfette and Vanity
] Ohh... Gargamel! You saved our lives... Gargamel
: Oh, tut, tut, tut! What are friends for.
[Puts Smurfette and Vanity down to the ground. Then looks at the audience
: Yuck! Vanity Smurf
: Bu... but Gargamel, you never were our friend before. Smurfette
: Yeah, you always be a mean, nasty, wicked, old wizard. Gargamel
: But I have seen the light, my days of miserable meaness are over. And you know, it feels so much nicer being nice. Eh... ehm, now why don't we all skip along to your village and tell Papa Diamond... eh... Papa Smurf the good news?
: I'm a new man, Papa Smurf. Papa Smurf
: Fiddlesmurfs! Gargamel
: Oh, Papa Smurf, have pity! You don't know how lonesome it has been. Always fighting with you nice, little Smurfs and never having any friends!
: [Looks at the audience and pulls a peace sign
] Peace, brothers! Papa Smurf
: Double fiddlesmurfs!
[Crying Smurfs in the background
] Sit tight my little bon-bons! Lunch is almost ready! Papa Smurf
: I'm surprised at you, Gargamel. You should never eat Smurfs for lunch. You should eat Smurfs for dinner. Smurfs
: [Gasp in shock
] Papa Smurf! Papa Smurf
: And I'm sure with Greedy's help, we could make you a great meal. Gargamel
: Oh, really? Papa Smurf
: It's simply a matter of adding the proper seasonings: a pinch of parsley; a little pepper; a dash of salt; perhaps a clove or two all smothered in butter. Of course if you aren't interested in having the meal of a lifetime... Gargamel
: No, no, no, no! It sounds so good that I can hardly wait! But I will, I will! Greedy Smurf
: Papa Smurf, do you really think it is smurfy to encourage him like that? Papa Smurf
: Don't worry, Greedy! I'm only stalling so we have time to come up with a plan. Greedy Smurf
: Thanks smurfness! Uh... what's the plan? Papa Smurf
: I'm afraid... uh... that's something I don't even know yet.
: How can such a smart Smurfling be so think-headed when it comes to Gargamel? Natural 'Nat' Smurf
: [Slouchy's voice is heard from Nat's mouth
] Yeah! Every Smurf knows that he is the nastiest, most evil human on the face of the earth. Gargamel
] Oh my! Look at me! I'm blushing! Sassette Smurfling
: But I just know that I can change Pappy Gargamel if I had the chance. After all, he must have some good inside of him. He helped to create me, did he? Gargamel
: Well we all make mistakes!
[Jumps in front of the Smurfs
] Ooo... No... Noooo! Gargamel
: Yes, Yes!
: [Looking at her reflection in a lake
] Oh, I wonder what will my new friend will be like.
[Gargamel appears in the water reflection and Smurfette cries out in shock
: Care to join me for dinner, Smurfette? Smurfette
: [Avoiding the net swungs by Gargamel and running away from him
] Ga... Gargamel! Gargamel
: Come back here!
[Trips on a piece of wood and falls on his back
] I wanted to meet a friend, not a fiend!
: Am I seeing things or are you a little blue person? Brainy Smurf
: Me, blue? Ha, ha, ha. No, it's just a pigment of your imagination.
: Sunshine and sarsaparilla, isn't anything better than being a Smurf on a hot, summer day? Gargamel
: [Speaking for a distance
] How about eating a Smurf on a hot, summer day!
[Runs after the Smurfs from a bush with Azrael running ahead of him
: My revenge will be terrible! You'll see! You'll see!
: Hey, you're not supposed to bring strange humans into the village! Snappy Smurf
: He's not strange. He's our friend Swellfellow. Hefty Smurf
: Hmm... something familar about this boy. Gargamel
: Gather around, Smurfs. I brought you a surprise of my own. Greedy Smurf
: Hmm... something familar with that sack. Gargamel
: This gift is a real knockout!
[Puts his left hand into the sack and then laughs
] Jokey Smurf
: Something familiar with that laugh. Gargamel
: [Throws magic powder at the Smurfs
] Surprise, you miserable Smurfs! Smurfs
: [Gasps in shock
] Gargamel! Sassette Smurfling
: Nappin' nightowl...
[Falls asleep with the other Smurflings
: [Opens the wooden Papa Smurf statue while Azrael quickly runs out of it
] Guess who's coming for dinner? Smurfs
[Grabs Brainy and put him into Gargamel's bag
: That's right! Who's for dessert?
] What a Smurfy thing to be, a Smurf with perfect mem... eh, eh, what am I'm doing? Distant singing. It can only be those disgusting, happy Smurfs.
[Removes his ear horn
: Good! They stopped! I was beginning to get nausous.
] Oh, I'm evil. Needy evil... Papa Smurf
: [Watching outside from a window in Gargamel's hovel
] It's hard to believe... Jokey Smurf
: [Gargamel continues singing in the background
] That Gargamel has become a Smurfberry bush? Papa Smurf
: [Closes his eyes in disgust
] No, that anyone can sing so terribly!
: Ah... there's nothing better than a little old-fashion Smurf power. Gargamel
: Hehehehehe! Is that so? Gargamel
: [Comes out of hiding with Scruple and Azrael wearing skis
] How about an old-fashion Smurf chowder! Smurfs