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: [to Tugg Speedman
] What do you mean, "you people?" Alpa Chino
: [stares at Lazarus, and then gets angry
] What do *you* mean, "you people?" Kirk Lazarus
[Jeff, Kirk, and Kevin have just learned Alpa is gay
] Jeff Portnoy
: [Tied to a tree and going through cocaine withdrawals
] Alpa, if you untie me, I will literally suck your dick, right now. Alpa Chino
: Man, I told you for the last time, I love tha pussy! Jeff Portnoy
: I'll cradle the balls, stroke the shaft, work the pipe, and swallow the gravy. Get it over here, buddy. Let's do this.
: That's the theme song for the Jeffersons! Kirk Lazarus
: Man, just cause it's a theme song don't make it not true.
: No, I always wanted to. I guess I just never had the courage to ask. It's complicated. Kirk Lazarus
: Nah! It's simple as pie man: you plant your feet on the ground, you look her square in the eyes you say "Hey! baby, you and me's goin' on a date, that's the end of the story". What's her name? Alpa Chino
: ...Lance Kirk Lazarus
: You say 'Listen here, Lance'... Lance? What the fuck did I just hear? Lance? Kevin Sandusky
: Did you just say Lance? Alpa Chino
: No! I said Nance. That's what I said, Nance. Kevin Sandusky
: It sounded like Lance. Alpa Chino
: Dammit, I'm Alpa Chino! 'I Love Tha Pussy', aight? Lay yo ass back down and look at the stars. Kirk Lazarus
: When you wrote 'I Love Tha Pussy', was you thinking about danglin your dice on Lance's forehead?
: There's no way we make it over that ridge before sundown. Kirk Lazarus
: All right fellas, we're gonna make camp, rest up. Y'all might be in for a treat. You know back before the war broke out I was a saucier in San Antone. I bet I could collar up some of them greens, yeah, some crawfish out the paddy, yo'! Ha! I'm makin' some crabapples for dessert now, yo! Hell yeah, ha! Alpa Chino
: [mocking Kirk
] Hell yeah! Ha! That's how we all talk? We all talk like dis, "suh"? Yes suh, ha! Yeah mmm-hmm get some crawfish, and some ribs, ha! Ye-aah. You're Australian! Be Australian! Excuse me, Kangaroo Jack!
[hops away like a kangaroo
] Kirk Lazarus
] I get excited about my foods, man.
: [why he's in the movie
] I had to represent. Cause they had one good role for a black man, and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee! Kirk Lazarus
: Pump your brakes, kid, that man's a national treasure.
: Alpa and I are already wearin' Earth Mamma's natural night camo. Alpa Chino
: Cool it, Benson!
: [watching Tugg reenact Simple Jack
] Damn. And I thought the movie was bad. Kirk Lazarus
: Well to the man's credit, he has eased up on the retard throttle.
: Now, let's go get those Viet Congs.
[cocks his gun
] Alpa Chino
: "Viet Cong!" Tugg Speedman
: What? Alpa Chino
: It's "viet cong." There's no "s," it's already plural. You wouldn't say "Chineses..."
: Yeah... but those dudes was trained soldiers. Kirk Lazarus
: [cocks unloaded pistol
] Yeah! And we trained actors, mothafucka! Time to man up. And I ain't gonna sugarcoat. Some of us might not even make it back. Jeff Portnoy
: What do you mean? Like, not on the same flight?
: And why am I in this movie? Maybe I just knew I had to represent, because they had one good part in it for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee. Kirk Lazarus
: Pump your brakes, kid. That man is a national treasure. Alpa Chino
: I just wanted to throw another shrimp on your Barbie. Kirk Lazarus
: That shit ain't funny. Kevin Sandusky
: Hey, fellas! It's hot! We're tired! It stinks! Alpa Chino
: I'm just fucking with you, Kangaroo Jack! I'm sorry a dingo ate your baby. Kirk Lazarus
: You know that's a true story? Lady lost her kid.
: [slaps Lazarus
] Told you I'd tag you back. Kirk Lazarus
: Can I tell you I'm sorry for any offense I might've caused, man? I just got caught up in bein'... Alpa Chino
: In bein' a dumbass? Kirk Lazarus
: I guess so. Alpa Chino
: Why you still doin' the chicken-George shit? I have no idea. Kirk Lazarus
: Neither do I. Alpa Chino
: It's beyond me. Kirk Lazarus
: It's beyond me. Alpa Chino
: You confused. Kirk Lazarus
: I am a little confused. Alpa Chino
: I know. Kirk Lazarus
: [after a long pause
] But are we cool? Alpa Chino
: Not really.
: And why am I in this movie? Maybe it's because I just knew I had to represent, because they had one good part in here for a black man and they gave it to Crocodile Dundee! Kirk Lazarus
: Pump your brakes, kid. That man's a national treasure. Alpa Chino
: I just wanted to thrown another shrimp on your barbie! Kirk Lazarus
: That shit ain't funny. Kevin Sandusky
: Hey, fellas... it's hot! We're tired! It stinks! Alpa Chino
: I ain't fuckin' with you, Kangaroo Jack. I'm sorry the dingo ate your baby! Kirk Lazarus
: You know that's a true story? Lady lost a kid. You're about to cross some fuckin' lines. Kevin Sandusky
: Guys, relax! Alpa Chino
: You know what? Fuck that, man! I'm sick of this koala-huntin' nigga tellin' me-
[is cut off as Lazarus slaps him; goes to punch back
] Kirk Lazarus
: [blocking the punch and pulling Alpa into an embrace
] For four hundred years, that word has kept us down. Alpa Chino
: What the fuck? Kirk Lazarus
: Took a whole lotta tryin' just to get up that hill. Now we're up in the big leagues, gettin' our turn at bat. As long as we live, it's you and me, baby... Alpa Chino
: [pulling away
] That's the theme song to The Jeffersons. Man, you really need help. Kirk Lazarus
: Just because it's a theme song don't mean it's not true.
: Drink Booty Sweat, baby! Drink Booty Sweat! Kirk Lazarus
] Yeah, get him chuggin' on some of Alpa's ass-water. That'll bring him around, it's a cure-all...
: [Cody and Four-Leaf are tied to a post
] What're you guys doing here? Cody
: He has hands! Four Leaf Tayback
: He killed Damien! Cody
: Bullshit! Four Leaf Tayback
: He blinded Jamie Lee Curtis! Cody
: Almost! Alpa Chino
: What're you talking about? Damien stepped on an old land mine. Cody
: Oh, sweet, thank God!
: Then what are we supposed to do, huh, 'cause he's cleaning a gun with no bullets. Now that's the plan? Kirk Lazarus
: I'm just like a little boy, playing with his dick when he's nervous.
: What the hell? That was a *bat*, man!
: [after Jeff catches the bat that stole his heroin
] Hahaha! Now you're dead! You OD'ed!
[he takes a bite out of the bat
] Jeff Portnoy
: Aaaagghh! Fucking hell! Alpa Chino
: What the hell? Jeff, that was a BAT, man! Jeff Portnoy
: I don't have any more... jellybeans.
: Alpa, do you have any Booty Sweat? Kirk Lazarus
: Yeah, get him chugging on some of Alpa's ass water. That'll bring him around. It's a cure-all. Man, what you coming out in movies for anyway? Did you need another revenue stream? Alpa Chino
: For your information, my revenue stream currently generates U$2 million a year in charitable contributions for my community. Kirk Lazarus
: Hot damn!
: [as Fats
] Our asses don't get fragged in this bullshit valley, first thing I'm doin' is payin' my two bucks so I can watch Brooklyn bust his cherry on a sweet little mama son's dinky-down poon-tang! Alpa Chino
: Shit, Brooklyn be bagged and tagged fuckin' the cootchie. He die, he probably die a cootchless motha fucka! hahaha!