Carly Shay
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Quotes for
Carly Shay (Character)
from "iCarly" (2007)

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"iCarly: iPilot (#1.1)" (2007)
Carly: It's on Splashface!
Sam: Relax, it has only had 27 views.
Carly: Oh thank goodness.
[silence, Carly observes the video]
Carly: [calmly] Sam?
Sam: Yeah?
Carly: THAT'S 27,000!

Carly: Cool you got a new cell phone.
Freddie Benson: You can have it!

Freddy: [shouting over noise] Wanna go out in the hall and kiss?
Carly: No!
Freddy: Me neither!
[to self]
Freddy: Darn!

Sam: She's Carly!
Carly Shay: She's Sam!
Sam: Sam I am!
Carly Shay: [pointing at each other] Carly, Sam...
Sam: I think they're clear.

Carly: You know anyone but me would punch ya right in the head.
Sam: Which is why you are my best friend.
Carly: Good to know. Now why are you mine?
Sam: Because I'm a lovable person.
[Sam knocks a kid into the lockers]

Freddie Benson: I am over it, seriously, I'm in love with you, you just wanna be friends and I'm totally cool with living with that constant pain.
Carly: Oh god.

Carly: Would you let me borrow your video camera?
Spencer Shay: I would.
Carly: Awesome
Spencer Shay: Though I can't.
Carly: Why not?
Spencer Shay: I made it into a squirrel.

Sam: Hey look, you invited the doof.
Carly: Sam...
Freddie Benson: Aww man! I didn't know that was gonna be here.

Carly: When did your mom say she was going to pick you up?
Sam: She's not.
Carly: Why?
Sam: Because I told her you asked me to spend the night.
Carly: I didn't ask you tot spend the night.
Sam: Well you should, 'cause I'm not leaving.

Carly: Today we are gonna show kids with bizarro talents.
Sam: [musically] Freak show!
Carly: [whispers] Stop that.

[on the iCarly webcast]
Carly: Okay, this first kid we're gonna show you can take a glass of milk...
Sam: -this is so deliciously gross...
Carly: -snort the milk up into his nose...
Sam: And it's the best thing ever!
Carly: And then make the milk squirt out of his eyes!
Sam: I wanna MARRY this boy!

"iCarly: iGot Detention (#1.19)" (2008)
Sam Puckett: Hey! What if we kidnap Howard and keep him tied up 'til after the show?
Carly Shay: [exasperated] Okay, what have I told you about kidnapping?
Sam Puckett: It's illegal and rude...
Carly Shay: Good girl.

Carly Shay: Who knew getting in trouble would be so impossible?
Freddie Benson: I gotta give you credit, Sam. You make it look easy.
Sam Puckett: Years of practice.

Sam Puckett: Hey, thanks for that fire alarm. You saved me from giving an oral report on "Scarlet's Web."
Carly Shay: You were too lazy to read the book?
Sam Puckett: I was too lazy to see the movie.

[during Carly's webcast]
Carly Shay: I'm Carly!
Sam Puckett: And I'm Sam!
Carly Shay: And maybe you've noticed...
Sam Puckett: ...this isn't our usual iCarly studio.
Carly Shay: And if you *haven't* noticed...
Sam Puckett: Scrape that crud outta your eyes!

Carly Shay: [during her webcast] Okay, we were talking about the things kids do that get 'em detention.
Sam Puckett: Why look. It's a gold member of the detention club right here.
Carly Shay: It's 9th Grader, Ripoff Rodney.
Ripoff Rodney: Please, call me "Ripoff."

Sam Puckett: Okay! So you got anything else to say to the iCarly fans of the world?
Ripoff Rodney: Yeah. I've got a special this week on burritos.
[opens up his jacket to reveal a bunch of burritos]
Ripoff Rodney: Two for six bucks.
Carly Shay: And do they contain quality meat?
Ripoff Rodney: No they do not.
[kids start crowding around Ripoff Rodney]

[on the iCarly webcast]
Sam: Tell 'em why we got detention.
Carly Shay: 'Cause we're naughty.

[Carly unscrews the teacher's chair]
Teacher: [walking into the room] Alright kids, the sooner we start, the sooner we finish, so everybody, let's take a seat.
[sits down, the chair breaks, and she falls to the floor]
Teacher: What happened to my chair?
Carly Shay: [standing up] I did it... with whatever this is.
[holds up a ratchet]
Carly Shay: Do I get detention?
Teacher: [joyfully] Absolutely not. An on-the-job accident means the school has to give me a two month paid vacation while I recover! Bye!
[takes her bag and leaves]

Girl: Carly, what's the signal for "Mr. Howard's coming?"
Carly Shay: Uh... Dippity-doo.

Carly Shay: That's insane.
Spencer: It's okay, it's decaf.

"iCarly: iPromote Techfoots (#1.18)" (2008)
[first lines]
Sam Puckett: [while watching TV with Carly] Uggh, I am so hungry.
Carly Shay: Then go make something.
Sam Puckett: Uggh, I am so lazy.

[Spencer walks in]
Carly Shay: Where've you been all day?
Spencer: Canada.
Carly Shay: I thought you were only going to the art museum.
Spencer: I was. Until I fell asleep on the bus, and woke up in Vancouver!

Sam Puckett: Oh, sorry. Carly, Freddie, this is Sonya. My personal chef.
Sonya: Ya-Hoo!
Carly Shay: What?
Freddie: You hired a personal chef?
Sam Puckett: Well, my mom doesn't feed me.

Sam Puckett: Sonya, please make me a grilled cheese sandwich with tomato.
Sonya: Yes, Miss Sam.
Carly Shay: I like grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato.
Sam Puckett: Make that two, please.
Sonya: Yes, Miss Sam.
Freddie: I like grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato.
Sam Puckett: Tough nubs.

DAKA President: Well, you know when you put out a new shoe, they always have a few minor problems.
Sam Puckett: Minor?
Freddie: What would be a major problem?
Carly Shay: If they came to life in the middle of the night and ate your family?
DAKA President: [laughs] No. I live alone.

Carly Shay: You know, I'm not sure it's fair to blame the bus 'cause you fell asleep.
Spencer: It's not just that. Last week on the bus, a hobo spilled chili on me, then continued to eat it... without a spoon!

[Spencer comes back from a roller-blading accident]
Carly Shay: Spencer, what happened?
Spencer: One minute, I'm blading down Hill Street. Feeling good! On top of the world! The next thing I know - BAM! I got a face full of dumpster!

Carly Shay: [singing to herself ] And I bought some stuff 'cause you know I got paid the other day.
[stops singing and knocks on Freddie's apartment door]
Carly Shay: Freddie, come over.
[resumes singing]
Carly Shay: I'm havin' fun with DAKA's money. Spendin' a ton of DAKA's money, I'm a rich girl...

[on the iCarly webcast]
Carly Shay: And now, our technical producer, Freddie, will show you another cool thing about the Techfoots.
Freddie: Okay. If your computer's hard drive is cluttered with a bunch of files and music and "precious pictures" of family and friends, the Techfoot does an amazing thing with Wi-Fi techonology. See, you just sync the pedometer up to your computer, and...
[types something on his laptop and shows the dreaded blue-screen]
Freddie: wipes out your entire hard drive! Isn't that great?

[on the iCarly webcast]
Sam Puckett: And wait 'til you see this!
Carly Shay: For those cold winter days...
Sam Puckett: -every Techfoot comes with a built-in toe warmer!
Carly Shay: And if you turn the toe warmer on high...
Sam Puckett: -like this!
[turns it on]
Carly Shay: Then bang it on a table...
[Sam does just that]
Sam Puckett: It magically catches on fire!
Carly Shay: Isn't that handy?
Sam Puckett: That'll keep your piggies warm!
Carly Shay: And not only that...
[Sonya hands them two hot dogs on sticks]
Sam Puckett: It's also perfect for...
Sam Puckett, Carly Shay: Roasting weenies!

"iCarly: iDon't Want to Fight (#1.17)" (2008)
Carly: I give glasses with feet girl an eight.
Freddie: I give her a nine.
Sam: Seven, but I give Freddy a negative two.
Freddie: Why?
Sam: Just for being you.

[Carly and Freddie listen to her stereo]
Freddie: I like this song.
[putting his arm around Carly]
Freddie: Pretty romantic, huh? You feeling the mood?
[a toilet flushes in the background]
Carly Shay: Yeah, I'm feeling the mood.

[Sam promises Carly concert tickets]
Carly: Well, that'd be awesome, but those tickets have been sold out for months.
Sam: You let me worry about that. I've got ways, Carly Shay. And do you know what else I've got?
Freddie: Pimples on your butt?
[Freddie and Sam glare at each other momentarily, then Freddie takes off]
Sam: He was smart to run.

Freddie: Our fans don't like it when best friends fight. Neither do I.
Carly Shay: Aw Sam, you're crying.
Sam: No, Freddie's just... such a dork it makes me emotional sometimes.

Carly: Oh all you ever think about is ham.
Sam: I'd rather have a shirt made of ham.

Carly: Don't you give me ultimatums.
Sam: Don't use words I can't understand.

[on the iCarly webcast]
Freddie: See, Carly and Sam are in a big fight, and both girls think they're right.
Carly: I *am* right.
Sam: You *am* wrong.
Carly: You *am* obnoxious.

Carly: My hair feels like it was attacked by a vacuum cleaner.
Sam: Mine feels like it's been yanked by a Freddie.

"iCarly: iWant More Viewers (#1.2)" (2007)
Carly: Good job, Spencer! You too, Freddy.
Freddy: Thank you, Carly, in your face, Sam.
[Sam makes a face at him]

Carly: Okay, on our last webcast, Sam and I told you to go on and click that feedback button!
Sam: And man, you people clicked on that sucker like it was your job!

Spencer: Behold the sign! Are you beholding it?
Carly: Oh, we're beholding it!

Carly: Spencer, dinnertime!
[to Freddie and Sam]
Carly: You guys staying for dinner?
Sam: Yeah, I got no place to go.

Carly: [on the webcast] Which is why I say, the potato is superior to the sports bra.
Sam: And if you don't believe us, try making French fries out of a sports bra!

Carly: So it's me and Sam vs. Freddie and Spencer. Team with the best idea to get more viewers wins.
Freddy: 'Kay, but I think the team that loses should have some penalty.
Sam: Hasn't life already penalized you enough?
Carly: [sprays Sam with water] That's for being mean.
Sam: It was worth it.

Spencer: Okay, so wait, wait, wait. We all failed miserably trying to get you guys more viewers for iCarly and yet it is precisely those miserable failures that are getting you guys more viewers for iCarly?
Carly: Yeah.
Spencer: Insanity!

"iCarly: iHeart Art (#1.14)" (2008)
Carly: Spencer it's been four hours, I think you need to get off the kitchen table.
Spencer: Why? Is Santa Claus here to tell me I'm ugly and have no friends?

Freddie Benson: When I grow up, I wonder what kind of girl would want to marry me.
[Sam bites pillow to avoid insulting Freddie]
Freddie Benson: After I take a shower, my mom makes me sign a piece of paper promising that I shampooed twice.
[Sam throws herself on the floor, pounding her fists and kicking her legs]
Carly: [walks in] Should I call an ambulance?

[showing Spencer's art on her webcast]
Sam Puckett: Okay...
Carly: Look at this next sculpture.
Sam Puckett: It's a robot...
Carly: - made out of soda bottles.
Sam Puckett: His eyes light up red...
Carly: - whether he's angry or not.
Sam Puckett: Now, this sculpture is called...
Carly: The Bottle-bot.
Sam Puckett: Not to be confused with "Bubble-butt," which is what I call our teacher, the horrible Ms. Briggs.
Carly: Why say that live on the web? She already hates you.
Sam Puckett: Which means I have nothing to lose.

Freddie Benson: So what did you say in your e-mail to get Joyner to come here?
Carly: It wasn't what I said. It was the pictures I attached of Spencer's sculptures.
Sam Puckett: Joyner liked them?
Carly: I guess. He said he wanted to come see 'em in person.
Freddie Benson: That is so cool!
Sam Puckett: You know what else is cool?
Freddie Benson: What?
Sam Puckett: Not you!

Freddie Benson: Anytime a chance comes along for you to insult me, you just gotta jump on it!
Carly: You really should be nicer to him.
Freddie Benson: Ha! She couldn't be nicer to me if she tried 'cause, she has no self control.
Sam Puckett: I have oodles of self control! I self control myself all the time!

Freddie Benson: Do you even know what Harry Joyner looks like?
Carly: Yeah, you know, he looks like a man. With a face, and... hair.
Sam Puckett: [sarcastically] Yeah, I have an uncle that looks a lot like that!

Sam Puckett: That dentist dude's really going to pay you $1000 for that?
Spencer: Paid, in advance.
Freddie Benson: Yeah!
Sam Puckett: Sweet!
Spencer: And since you guys helped me get my art career back,
[hands Sam money]
Spencer: $40 for you,
[hands Freddie money]
Spencer: $40 for you, and...
[walks across the room to hand Carly money]
Spencer: ... $41 for my little sister.
Carly: Aww. I'm special.

"iCarly: iHave a Lovesick Teacher (#1.25)" (2008)
Carly: [referring to Spencer and Miss Ackerman's dating problems] I think I know how we can fix this...
Freddy, Sam: Really? How?
Carly: iCarly.
Freddy: Our webshow?
Sam: Naw, our potato farm!

Carly: Miss Ackerman, you don't need to yell at Freddie in front of the whole class.
Miss Ackerman: Oh, look. More backtalk from the sass-master.
Carly: I am not "the sass-master!" And it's wrong for you to be mean to Freddie just because your boyfriend broke up with you!
Sam: Wow, Carlls. Maybe you *are* the sass-master.

Carly: Miss Ackerman?
Miss Ackerman: Hi, Carly.
Carly: Hi. Um, not that I'm not happy to see you, but why are you standing on my brother?
Spencer Shay: 'Cause she has magic feet.
Miss Ackerman: I spent six months in Thailand learning the art of back walking massage.
Spencer Shay: [getting up] Those Thaila-manians taught you good.

Freddie: What are we gonna do?
Sam: We're gonna tell Spencer to call Miss Ackerman and start dating her again.
Carly: No, I'm not gonna make my brother's life miserable just to make our life easier.
Sam: Come on, having a miserable life's not all that bad.
[suddenly creepy]
Sam: Sometimes my mother laughs...

Freddie: Why can't Spencer just date her?
Carly Shay: Because the woman is a big bottle of crazy sauce!

Miss Ackerman: You set me up!
Freddy: That's a lie!
Carly: No we set her up.
Freddy: Oh yeah.

"iCarly: iMake Sam Girlier (#2.13)" (2009)
[closing out an iCarly webcast]
Carly: Till next time...
Sam: ...Get plenty of sleep...
Carly: ...Eat lots of dirt...
Sam: ...and scream at the sky.

Carly: Gibby, maybe you want to put your vest back on?
Gibby: What are you? A cop?

[after a makeover by Carly]
Sam: I feel like a daffodil.
Carly: Good. Embrace your inner daffodility.

[urging Sam to approach a boy she likes, while "Girlified"]
Carly: Go! Come on! Daffodility!
Sam: [groans] That's not even a word.

[after being attacked by a bully]
Carly: Sam?
Sam: Yeah?
Carly: Rip her head off!

Carly: Now to close the show, a song for Sam!
Carly: [singing with ensemble, excluding Sam and Freddie] HAPPY BIR...
Freddie Benson: [behind camera] Ah, stop! Stop! Stop! Not PD.
Carly: [rolling eyes, singing with ensemble] FOR SHE'S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW!...

"iCarly: iSell Penny Tees (#4.4)" (2010)
Sam Puckett: That's some good looking junk.
Carly Shay: And it's all available for sale!
Gibby Gibson: Yaaaaaaar!
Sam Puckett: I told you not to do the pirate voice part.
Gibby Gibson: [Sadly] Yar.

Carly Shay: So what items are there for sale, Sam?
Sam Puckett: Well, Carls, right there I see Spencer's fan of hammers.
Carly Shay: Aw, who could forget the time Spencer almost impaled my head with a flying hammer?
Sam Puckett: Dangerous times.

Sam Puckett: You remember these techfoots?
Carly Shay: Who woudn't be proud to wear these defective sneakers to school? The zoo!
Sam Puckett: ...or the funeral of the loved one.
Freddie Benson: iCarly is not responsible for damage caused to your feet, toes or the central nervous system.

Gibby Gibson: [Eating spaghetti] Wow... umm. I'm in love with this sauce. What is it?
Sam Puckett: It could be a lovely cheese sauce.
Carly Shay: But, it's snot.

Carly Shay: Okay, we're going shoplifting!
Spencer Shay: [From his room] Wear a jacket!
Sam Puckett: [Excited] Are we really gonna go shoplifting?
Carly Shay: NO!

"iCarly: iPromise Not to Tell (#1.12)" (2008)
Computer teacher: Please complete exercises 7 and 9.
Carly: What about number 8?
Computer teacher: [whining] *I'm* in charge!

[after Sam changes Carly's grade to an A and Carly feels guilty]
Sam: Hey! I'm Sam!
Carly Shay: And I'm guilty!
Sam: [whispers] Carly.
Carly Shay: And I'm Carly!

CSA Agent: We're gonna need to speak to a parent or legal guardian.
Carly: [shouting] Spencer!
Spencer: [offscreen] I am in the bathtub!

[Carly and Freddie have been caught by the Computer Security Agency]
Freddie: Are we under arrest?
Carly: Are you gonna take us to juvie?
Freddie: I don't wanna go to juvie.
Carly: They're gonna take us to juvie.
Carly, Freddie: [wailing] OOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH!

"iCarly: iStakeout (#1.20)" (2008)
[first lines]
Sam Puckett: Okay, Freddie's never late for iCarly. Are you worried?
Carly Shay: If I wasn't worried, would I be drinking water with this expression on my face?
[drinks water with a frantic expression on her face]

Carly Shay: [entering the room] Hey, Spencer.
Freddie: [at the same time as Sam] What's up?
Sam Puckett: [at the same time as Freddie] Hi.
Spencer: Hey, little sister and her two friends who never seem to hang out at their own homes.

Carly Shay: [looking through binoculars] Ok, I don't see any criminal activity but I do see a jogger who really should be wearing a bra. Poor guy.

[on the iCarly webcast]
Carly Shay: Hello. You've reached
Sam Puckett: If you're looking for comedy...
Carly Shay: - press one.
Sam Puckett: If you're looking for my pork pot pie, a cop ate it!

"iCarly: iLike Jake (#1.4)" (2007)
Sam: We could just tell him he can't sing on our show because he sounds like a pile of poo.
Carly: No we can't tell him he's to poo-ish to sing on our show

Carly: Okay, it's not like me to get all crazy about a hot guy like Jake Krandle.
Sam: But...
Carly: But, Oh my God, he's so hot, I want to bake cookies on him!
Sam: I'd eat those cookies.

Carly: I need to make myself attractive!

"iCarly: iLove You (#5.4)" (2011)
Spencer Shay: That is the last time I'll ever lie.
Carly Shay: Last, but not "yeest"!

Carly Shay: "iCarly" starts in 30 seconds, and I'm here alone!
Gibby: I'll try not to take that the wrong way.

Carly Shay: [to Sam and Freddie] So, last week you two made me your volunteery couples counsellor, then you edited me out of "Superbra", and tonight you made me do "iCarly" all by myself!
Gibby: What am I, a mushroom?

"iCarly: iTake on Dingo (#2.17)" (2009)
[Carly and friends find their routines stolen for a kids' sitcom]
Sam Puckett: Those Dingo people are dead!
Carly Shay: What are we gonna do?
Sam Puckett: We're gonna go find 'em and kick 'em in their dingoes!

Spencer Shay: Okay, you guys go in there and confront the Totally Teri writers. I'm gonna go find Charles Dingo's frozen head.
Carly Shay: Wait. Umm... maybe Freddie should go with you.
Freddie Benson: [whiny] No, I wanna watch Sam beat up TV writers!

[introducing another iCarly webcast]
Carly Shay: Hey, I'm the sweet brunette.
Sam Puckett: And I'm the dirty blonde.
Carly Shay, Sam Puckett: And this be iCarly!

"iCarly: iParty with Victorious (#4.10)" (2011)
Carly Shay: He's not cheating on me.
Sam Puckett: Denial's not just a river in Utah
Carly Shay: [correcting her] Egypt!

[the guys try to convince Carly that Stephen is a cheater]
Carly Shay: Stephen told me I'm one of a kind.
Sam Puckett: Yeah, and my dad once told my mom that he was coming back.
[awkward pause]
Sam Puckett: So, moving on...

[Carly is spying on her boyfriend who's cheating with Tori]
Steven Carson: I wanted to give you this.
Tori Vega: [Gasps] Steven! You nutball! A charm bracelet?
Carly Shay: [to herself] Charm bracelet?
Steven Carson: It's one of a kind. Just like you.
Carly Shay: Okay, that hurt. That wounded me.
Tori Vega: Oh my god it's beautiful... I love you.
Steven Carson: I love you.
[they kiss]
Carly Shay: And that killed me. Now I'm dead.

"iCarly: iWanna Stay with Spencer (#1.5)" (2007)
Carly: [doorbell rings] There's the doorbell.
Sam: Smells like your grandad.
Sam: [turns to Freddy] You smell like garbage.
Freddy: Your butt's shaped like a ham.
Carly: Stop it!

Carly: I don't want to move to Yakima! It sounds like someone throwing up!
Spencer: It does.
[imitating the sound of vomiting]
Spencer: Yakima! Yakima!

Carly: I'm gonna be a Yakimite or Yakimanian.
Freddy: Yakimaniac.
Sam: You're Yakimannoying!

"iCarly: iGoodbye (#6.13)" (2012)
[the gang are about to start the last iCarly show]
Freddie Benson: In five, four, three, two...
Carly Shay: I'm Carly!
Sam Puckett: I'm Sam! And this is a very special...
Freddie Benson: And I'm Freddie. Yeah, that's right. I interrupted and introduced myself. What are they gonna do, fire me?

Carly Shay: I'm leaving in a few minutes.
Freddie Benson: Yeah, I know. Better not be late, or your dad's gonna be wazzed off.
Carly Shay: You know, you don't have to take all your tech stuff home tonight.
Freddie Benson: Yeah, but I figured I might as well get a head start. Tomorrow, I promised Gibby I'd help him do some research on the proper care and feeding of weasels, so... I figured the sooner I get this equipment out of here, the sooner I can take it down to...
[Carly takes his hand and he stops talking. Then she leans in and kisses him. They have an awkward moment afterwards]
Carly Shay: So, I'll get my bags and take them downstairs.
Freddie Benson: Why don't I help you with those bags?
Carly Shay: Yeah, that'd be nice.
[when Carly turns around, Freddie throws his hands victoriously up in the air, knowing he finally succeeded in getting Carly to kiss him]

Carly Shay: I'm Carly.
Sam Puckett: I'm Sam.
Carly Shay: And this has been...
Carly Shay, Sam Puckett: iCarly.

"iCarly: iGive Away a Car (#2.8)" (2009)
[on the iCarly webcast]
Sam Puckett: Okay, are you ready for this?
Carly Shay: We are gonna give away a new car
Sam Puckett: [sing-song] A new car!
Carly Shay: From Flanken Motors.
Sam Puckett: The best flanken car dealership in Seattle.

Carly Shay: Ready for your new car?
Nevel Papperman: [sarcastic] Yes, my heart is pounding.
Sam Puckett: Good. Maybe it'll explode.

Carly Shay: [Nevel, Spencer and LCC Inspector Bullock are waiting outside the LCC building when Carly, Sam and Freddie arrive in the modified Space vehicle prop] Here you go Nevel.
Sam Puckett: Congratulations winner.
Nevel Papperman: [Scoffs] What, and you think that rolling space turd will get iCarly off the hook?
Carly Shay: Yeah.
Sam Puckett: We think it will. Carly, would you say that this vehicle is "unique"?
Carly Shay: Oh it is clearly unique. Freddie has it ever been state registered?
Freddie Benson: Why no Carly, it hasn't.
Carly Shay: Mr Bullock?
LCC Inspector Bullock: If it can travel at a speed of at least 25 miles per hour, it technically qualifies as a new car
Nevel Papperman: [Sceptical] Well let's just see, let's just see if this thing can do 25.
[Gets in]
Nevel Papperman: Okay.
[starts engine and vehicle zooms off with Nevel screaming and then crashes off screen]
Nevel Papperman: .
Carly Shay: You think he hit 25 miles per hour?
Spencer Shay: Oh yeah.
LCC Inspector Bullock: You can't do that kind of damage to a flower shop unless you're doing at least 25.

"iCarly: iKiss (#2.7)" (2009)
Freddie Benson: You put a dead fish in my locker, I handcuffed you to Gibby. Now we're even.
Carly Shay: Yay. Who wants lemonade?
[Sam yanks him by his shirt]
Sam Puckett: I don't play to get even. Mama plays to win.

Foot: [Carly is watching a video of a foot with lips] Hey! Hey! I'm not here for your entertainment! I'm a foot! Leave me alone!
Carly Shay: Oh, foot.

[Carly and Sam walk into Carly's apartment]
Spencer Shay: Hey, where've you guys been.
Sam Puckett: A movie.
Carly Shay: We saw "The First Kiss."
Spencer Shay: Eww. How was it?
Sam Puckett: Same as every other stupid teen chick movie ever made.
Carly Shay: It made me embarrassed to be a teen chick.

"iCarly: iWin a Date (#1.24)" (2008)
Shannon: [speaking to Freddie] I love cheescake, it's like my favorite dessert...
Carly: Gibby invented cheescake!
Gibby: No I didn't!
Carly: Well someone had to!

Carly: Poor Gibby. That must be hard loving someone who doesn't love you back.
[Freddie glares at her]
Carly: Oh... Sorry.

Spencer Shay: [Spencer's dating video] If you're looking for a fun creative guy, well, you just took a right turn down lucky street. Why don't you go ahead and put it in Park? Send me an e-mail. Write it, click it, send it...
[throws a baseball, and accidentally breaks a goldfish bowl]
Carly: "You just took a right turn down lucky street?" That doesn't make a girl want to e-mail you. That makes a girl want to go... Bleah! Bleah! Bleah!...

"iCarly: iPity the Nevel (#4.8)" (2011)
[after Gibby runs out of an ice-filled bathtub on a webcast]
Sam Puckett: There you go. We proved it.
Carly Shay: Ice is very cold.
Sam Puckett: Cold enough to freeze your Gibbys.

[Nevel is lying down on the couch with his hands and feet tied together facing up]
Nevel Papperman: [Gibby is eating pudding and smacking his lips] Must you eat your putting so loudly?
[smacks his lips again]
Carly Shay: Okay, Nevel, why are you really here?
Sam Puckett: Yeah, why?
Freddie Benson: You hate us.
Nevel Papperman: I don't hate anyone anymore... except myself. Until I saw the video of me shouting at that little girl, I didn't realize what a terrible, awful person I really am.
Gibby: This pudding rocks.

"iCarly: iRocked the Vote (#2.9)" (2009)
[Carly walks into the studio in a sexy outfit]
Carly Shay: Hey, do you think this dress is a little too... saucy?
Freddie Benson: It's for a music video. You need to look hotter than you usually do.
Carly Shay: [perplexed, but flattered] Well, thank you.

[closing out another webshow]
Carly Shay: Until then, always remember...
Sam Puckett: Never forget...
[short pause]
Carly Shay: Umm, what was it?
Sam Puckett: I forget.

"iCarly: iRue the Day (#1.11)" (2007)
[Carly's show has suspicious technical difficulties]
Carly Shay: Freddie, what do you think went wrong?
Freddie: I'm not sure, but I'll bet my whole month's allowance that all my equipment is working perfectly.
Carly Shay: Ooh, you'd bet a whole eight bucks?
[Freddie hushes Carly]
Sam: Your mom only gives you eight bucks a month?
Freddie: She's afraid if she gives me more, I'll buy a bus ticket and leave her.
Carly Shay: That is so dumb.
Freddie: No, not really.

Sam: Wow, Freddie. I like seeing you get all feisty.
Freddie: That's the Freddie way.
Carly Shay: I thought the Freddie way was a jam on a toasted bagel.
Freddie: That's the Freddie breakfast way.

"iCarly: iOwe You (#2.3)" (2008)
[on the iCarly webcast]
Sam Puckett: I'm Sam.
Carly Shay: Carly here.
Sam Puckett: And you're watching iCarly.
Carly Shay: The only show on the web that makes you laugh, and prevents heart disease.
Sam Puckett: So kick back with a pound of bacon and enjoy the show.

[Sam is an emotional wreck after a bad day at work]
Sam Puckett: [crying] I don't like working! I don't know how people do it. It's horrible! Th-they don't let you sleep, or watch TV, or go online, and they expect you to be nice to all the customers! And I'm not even allowed to eat the chili. Do you know what it's like to be me, surrounded by giant pots of chili and not allowed to eat it?
Carly Shay: I can't stand to see you like this. You have to quit.
Sam Puckett: No, I can't. I promised myself I wouldn't quit until I paid back every penny I owed you and Freddie. I had to clean...
Sam Puckett: urinals! Boys are so gross!

"iCarly: iQ (#5.5)" (2011)
Sam Puckett: Hey, where did you guys get this fork?
Carly Shay: Some website.
Freddie Benson: Epic-forks dot com?
Carly Shay: That's the one.

Spencer Shay: Where are you going?
Carly Shay: To study!
Spencer Shay: Study for what?
Carly Shay: My next date with Kyle!

"iCarly: iHurt Lewbert (#2.4)" (2008)
Carly Shay: [on Freddie's newfound freedom] I thought your mom always makes you wear a belt, and never let's you wear open-toed shoes.
Freddie Benson: Yeah, but since she's been taking care of Lewbert I can pretty much do whatever I want. Last night, I slept with my socks on.
Sam Puckett: So?
Freddie Benson: *Just* my socks.

[introducing their show]
Carly Shay: Hey, if you're looking at your computer screen right now...
Sam Puckett: ...and you see Carly and me...
Carly Shay: Then congratulations...
Sam Puckett: You're watching iCarly. However...
Carly Shay: ...if you're looking into your toilet bowl right now...
Sam Puckett: ...and you see a live monkey speaking Spanish...
Carly Shay: You're hallucinating!

"iCarly: iSpy a Mean Teacher (#1.8)" (2007)
Freddy: [Carly & Freddie are hiding in Ms. Briggs' closet] You know, this might not be so bad. Just you and me... together... alone.
Carly: Okay, we're in a serious situation here. This is no time for you to bust a move.

Sam: [to Freddy] What's in the box? A robotic girlfriend?
Freddy: I don't need a robotic girlfriend. I guarantee you, twenty years from now, I'll be Carly's second husband.
Carly: What happened to my first husband?
Freddy: Nothing you can prove.

"iCarly: iNevel (#1.6)" (2007)
Carly Shay: You must love flowers
Nevel: Oh I hate flowers. Bugs sit upon them and make poo.
Carly Shay: Okay!

Carly Shay: [Spencer tries to lick some butter off of his elbow, but he can't reach it] Spence?
Spencer: Yeah?

"iCarly: iPie (#2.5)" (2008)
[Sam is overwhelmed by the taste of a coconut pie]
Sam Puckett: Why can't I marry this pie? All I want out of life is to be Mrs. Sam This Pie.
Carly Shay: I just want to stick my whole face in this pie and go... BLOOBLOOBLOOOBLOOBLOO!
[Spencer wipes whipped cream off her chin]

Carly Shay: Wait, you're wearing pajamas.
Spencer: So? It's a pie shop, not church.

"iCarly: iGo One Direction (#6.2)" (2012)
Carly Shay: [returning from vacation to find Sam, Freddie, Gibby and T-Bo partying in the apartment] What is going on here?
Sam Puckett: I'm cooking steaks.
Freddie Benson: Playing video games.
T-Bo: I'm in a kiddie pool!
Gibby: Gibby!

Freddie Benson: I know what might motivate Harry to get out of bed and back on stage.
Sam Puckett: You think I should work him over with a butter sock?
Carly Shay: You know, I really, really don't.
Zayn Malik: [sounding surprised] Did she say a butter sock?
Liam Payne: [also surprised] Is that a sock?
Louis Tomlinson: [completing Liam's line] Full of butter?

"iCarly: iHatch Chicks (#1.16)" (2008)
[on the iCarly webcast]
Sam: So, what ever will happen on this new and exciting webisode of iCarly?
Carly Shay: I'm glad you asked.
Sam: I'm glad you're glad. Are you glad I'm glad you're glad?
Carly Shay: Weird. I'm becoming less glad!

Carly Shay: Spencer has been trapped in an air vent, Spencer are you ok in there?
Spencer: No
Carly Shay: Well just hang in there
Spencer: Sure

"iCarly: iDream of Dance (#1.3)" (2007)
Sam: Dirkenshnoff!
Carly: Dirkenshnoff?
Sam: Yea, It's foreign for good evening!
Carly: In what language?
Sam: Foreignese!
Carly: Okay, I don't believe you. But I have no proof so,
Sam, Carly: Dirkenshnoff!

"iCarly: iWant My Website Back (#2.12)" (2009)
Carly Shay: Spencer, what size dress do you wear?
Spencer Shay: [a little too quickly] Ten. Why?

"iCarly: iFence (#1.22)" (2008)
Carly Shay: Sam, this is my uncle Barry, my aunt Tess, and my cousins Ozlottis and Faye.
Sam Puckett: Uh... what's that thing around his neck?
Mrs. Dorfman: Oh, Ozlottis has a scab on his chin.
Dr. Dorfman: The cone keeps him from picking at it!
[Ozlottis nods affirmatively]
Sam Puckett: I'm out.
Carly Shay: We'll be right back.
[takes Sam aside]
Carly Shay: You said you'd stay and have dinner with us!
Sam Puckett: Yes. Then I met them!

"iCarly: iSpeed Date (#3.3)" (2009)
Carly Shay: You're in trouble.
Sam: Who has urine trouble?

"iCarly: iMeet Fred (#2.10)" (2009)
Carly Shay: Until next time, stay in school,
Sam Puckett: Recycle,
Carly Shay: Pour milk on your parents,
Sam Puckett: Hug a duck,
Carly Shay: Eat a stick of butter,
Sam Puckett: And shampoo a squirrel, goodbye!

"iCarly: iThink They Kissed (#3.1)" (2009)
[Carly leaves Sam in the dentist's office]
Carly Shay: Hey, stay blonde.
Sam Puckett: Stay brune.

"iCarly: iStill Psycho (#5.7)" (2011)
Mr. Dershlit: This is supposed to be a birthday party. That will go on forever, and ever...
[Nora joins her father]
Mr. Dershlit, Nora Dershlit: And ever, and ever...
[Nora's mother walks through the door and joins Nora and her father]
Mr. Dershlit, Nora Dershlit, Mrs. Dershlit: And ever, and ever, and ever...
Carly Shay: Oh my god.

"iCarly: iCook (#3.2)" (2009)
[introducing another iCarly webcast]
Carly Shay: I'm Carly.
Sam: I'm on parole.
Carly Shay, Sam: And this is iCarly.
Sam: The webshow watched by smart people...
Carly Shay: ...and idiots. You know which one you are.

"iCarly: iLost My Mind (#4.11)" (2011)
Carly Shay: Sir, you have to let her leave. We are doing iCarly tomorrow night.
Chief Security Guard: I what?
Freddie Benson: It's a popular web show.
Chief Security Guard: It can't be that popular if I've never heard of it.
Sam Puckett: It's not for 'old' people.
Chief Security Guard: Look, she stays! You people leave!

"iCarly: iCarly Saves TV (#1.23)" (2008)
Sam: [sticks her BBQ ribs to Freddie's face to show how thick the sauce is] *That's* good BBQ sauce.
[picks them off his face and eats them]
Freddie: [in shock, to Carly] You understand that it's wrong.
Carly Shay: Yes.

"iCarly: iHave My Principals (#3.5)" (2009)
[Carly gathers kids from Ridgeway to get Ms. Briggs and Mr. Howard removed as co-principals]
Shawn: If I come up with a plan that helps us achieve this goal...
Carly Shay: Yeah?
Shawn: Would you consider being my girlfriend?
Carly Shay: If you come up with a plan that comepletley smooths out the Middle East, I'm not going to be your girlfriend.

"iCarly: iMove Out (#3.7)" (2009)
[Freddie's mother found his "apartment"]
Mrs. Benson: Actually, I think living on your own will be a positive thing for you. Perhaps you'll even...
[suddenly becomes demanding]
Mrs. Benson: You get up to your room this instant, Freddie Benson! I'm your mother and you will do as I say!
Freddie: No.
Mrs. Benson: [to Carly] I blame you.
Carly Shay: Me?
Mrs. Benson: You're the one who got Freddie interested in girls, and ever since then his boy chemistry's been all out of whack.
Freddie: Mom, I'm perfectly in whack.

"iCarly: iReunite with Missy (#2.16)" (2009)
[Carly walks up to the table at the Groovy Smoothie with drinks]
Carly Shay: Smoothies for three!
[starts passing out drinks]
Carly Shay: One for Missy, and one for Sam.
[Sam breaks her cup and the juice spills out]
Carly Shay: Oh! Defective cup!

"iCarly: iChristmas (#2.6)" (2008)
Carly Shay: You love Spaghetti Tacos and you sing a song while making them.
Spencer Shay: Heh heh, the only time I sing is at Church.

"iCarly: iBelieve in Bigfoot (#3.16)" (2010)
[Carly and Freddie are looking through binoculars in an RV]
Freddie Benson: See anything?
Carly Shay: Just trees... and some bushes... and two squirrels wrestling.
Freddie Benson: Carly?
Carly Shay: Yeah?
Freddie Benson: They're not wrestling.
Carly Shay: [disturbed] Oh.

"iCarly: iMust Have Locker 239 (#2.18)" (2009)
[Spencer walks in the door as Carly sits on the couch]
Spencer Shay: Hey, kiddo.
Carly Shay: Hey, adult-o.

"iCarly: iWant to Date Freddie (#1.9)" (2007)
Freddie: I'm not even sure if I'm going on this date.
Sam: [with Carly] Yes you are!
Carly Shay: [with Sam] You're going!
Freddie: But what if she's not...
Mrs. Benson: There is a living, breathing girl who wants to go out with you. This many never happen again! Unless, Carly changes her mind...
Carly Shay: Yeah, Freddie and I are just buds.
Mrs. Benson: Oh yes, I totally understand.
Carly Shay: Thank you.
Mrs. Benson: [shouting] Why won't you love my son?

"iCarly: iDate a Bad Boy (#2.15)" (2009)
Spencer Shay: I got the first aid kit!
Carly Shay: Ok give me the spray stuff.
Spencer Shay: The what stuff?
Carly Shay: I don't know what its called, the boo-boo spray.

"iCarly: iFight Shelby Marx (#2.20)" (2009)
[in response to being called a "twig"]
Carly Shay: I'm getting curvier everyday.
Freddie Benson: [checking her out] I know.
Carly Shay: [not approving] Eyes up dude.