Elvira
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Quotes for
Elvira (Character)
from Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988)

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Elvira: Mistress of the Dark (1988)
Bob Redding: I run the movie house.
Elvira: Oh, really? I'm in movies too! Have you ever shown, uh, "I Married Satan"?
Bob Redding: No...
Elvira: How about the sequel, "I Married Satan 2"?
Bob Redding: I, ah... I can only play G-rated movies.
Elvira: Oh well, there's nothing wrong with G-rated movies, as long as there's lots of sex and violence.

Chastity Pariah: [seeing Elvira arriving] Well, I never.
Elvira: Yeah, and you never will with those soup cans on your head.
Chastity Pariah: Listen, young lady. I don't know who your are or where you came from, but you most certainly don't fit in this town. Why, you don't even fit in that dress.
Elvira: Listen sister, if I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you.

Elvira: Bloody Mary.
Bartender: No hard liquor served past eight o'clock. Do you want a virgin?
Elvira: Maybe, but, ah... I'll have a couple of drinks first.

Patty: Seems to me it's all this cheap little tart's fault.
Elvira: Cheap. Who are you callin' cheap? What's that perfume you're wearing, catch of the day?

Vincent Talbot: I must apologize for my behavior in the office, it's just that your appearance was a bit of a shock to me.
Elvira: It's okay. My appearance is kind of a shock to everybody.

Bob Redding: How's your head?
Elvira: I haven't had any complaints yet.

Chastity Pariah: Well, if she's morally unfit, then we have every right to do anything we can to get her out of this town. Are we agreed?
Mr. Clotter: I never laid a hand on those sheep, so help me.
Elvira: I have seen the People's Court. I'm entitled to one phone call and a strip search.

Elvira: Grab a tool and start banging.

Elvira: And don't forget, tomorrow we're showing the head with two things... I mean the thing with two heads. Until then, this is Elvira saying unpleasant dreams.

Elvira: Yeah, I'll do it for fifty bucks.

Bob Redding: No, you didn't.
Elvira: Well, it is a pot luck. And believe me, when they open that pot, they're gonna need all the luck they can get. Revenge is better than Christmas.

Elvira: And if they ever ask about me, tell them I was more than just a great set of boobs. I was also an incredible pair of legs. And tell them... tell them that I never turned down a friend. I... never turned down a stranger for that matter. And tell them... tell them that when all is said and done, I only ask that people remember me by two simple words.
[stops to think]
Elvira: Any two, as long as they're simple.
[breaks down crying]

Bob Redding: Well, at least you still have the ring.
Elvira: Yeah, but now all I can make it do is look cheap.

Elvira: What is there to do for fun around here?
Robin Meeker: This town isn't big on fun. But there is one place! The bowling alley. It gets pretty wild on league night.
Elvira: Gee, I think I can handle it.

Elvira: [ringing the motel bell] I hate to interrupt this little episode of the Waltons. But can I have a room?
Mrs. Meeker: Okay, but it's cash up from. I know what you pinko heavy metal weirdos do to hotel rooms. I read all about it in the Star.

Earl Hooter: The name's Earl, but the ladies back home call me Longhorn, maybe you can guess why.
Elvira: Gee, I don't know, does it have anything to do with your breath?

Bob Redding: You know what your problem is? Chastity Pariah.
Elvira: Oh. I thought that cleared up.

Anchorwoman: Is there anything that could possibly shame you?
Elvira: Yeah,
[flicks anchorwoman's scarf]
Elvira: wearing this out in public might do it.

Elvira: I didn't know I had a good aunt, let alone a great one.

Cop: Do you know you were doing fifty in a twenty five miles per hour zone?
Elvira: No, but if you hum a few bars I'll fake it.

Lesley Meeker: We do have a room. Remember the trucker with the bad skin checked out yesterday?
Elvira: I hope you changed the sheets.

Elvira: My name's Elvira but you can call me 'tonight'.

[Elvira is late for the reading of her aunt's will]
Elvira: Hey guys! Sorry I'm late, but then, so is my aunt.

Earl Hooter: Sounds like your looking to get yourself fired, little lady.
Elvira: Yeah, go ahead and fire me. I need this job like a leper needs a three-way mirror!

Elvira: Hey, nice jacket. Who shot the couch?

Elvira: I've never been so humiliated in my life! Just wait until I get my hands on that Patty. I'm going to rip out every single bleach blonde hair out of her scalp, gouge out her eyeballs, then use her head for a bowling ball!

Bob Redding: What's that perfume you're wearing?
Elvira: Supper Unleaded... Don't smoke!

Sheriff: Do you smoke?
[offering a cigarette]
Elvira: Guess we'll find out soon enough.

Elvira: I'd bend over backwards. I'd bend over forwards.

Elvira: Whoa. Must have taken too much antacid in the sixties.


"Movie Macabre: Kiss Daddy Goodbye (#3.24)" (1984)
Elvira: The show as you know is Movie Macabre. And week after week that's exactly what we show...Week. No...I mean Macabre!