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Quotes for
Bret (Character)
from "Flight of the Conchords" (2007)

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"Flight of the Conchords: Sally (#1.1)" (2007)
Jemaine: It is the distant future: The year 2000.
Bret: We are robots.
Jemaine: The world is very different ever since the robotic uprising of the mid-90's. There is no more unhappiness.
Bret: Affirmative.
Jemaine: We no longer say 'yes'. Instead, we say 'affirmative'.
Bret: Yes, affirmative.
Jemaine: Unless it's a more colloquial situation with a few robo-friends.

Bret: We no longer say 'yes'. We say 'affirmative'.
Bret: Yes, affirmative.
Jemaine: Unless it's a more colloquial situation with a few robo-friends.

Murray: When you're in a band, you don't get with your bandmate's girlfriend - past or present.
Jemaine: Yes, well thanks for that.
Murray: You get a love triangle - you know? Fleetwood Mac situation.
Murray: Well there there was four of them, so more of a love square. But you know, no one gets on.
Jemaine: Okay, I see.
Murray: Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then.
Bret: Rumours.
Murray: No, that's all true.

Jemaine: Looking at the room, I can tell that you are the most beautiful girl in the... room.
Bret: In the whole wide room.
Jemaine: Ooh, and when you're on the street, depending on the street, I bet you are definitely in the top 3.

Jemaine: Hey Bret, I think I know where I went wrong last night.
Bret: Yeah?
Jemaine: Yeah. Sally wanted to leave when you turned the light on. I think she found it where, the whole thing with you there with the light.
Bret: Yeah. I think it might also be because she and I used to go out.
Jemaine: Yeah, it's 'cause you and her used to go out, but also because of the thing with the light.

Bret: [singing] I'm not crying / No, I'm not crying. / And if I am crying, it's not 'cause of you. / It's because I'm thinking about a friend of mine you don't know who is dying - that's right, DYING!

Jemaine: I can see why you broke up with her. She was hard work.
Bret: Oh no, she broke up with me.
Jemaine: Yeah, she broke up with me too. That's what I mean, it was hard work staying together with her wanting to break up all the time.

Jemaine, Bret: I'm not upset because you left me this way, my eyes are just a little sweaty today, they've been looking around a lot, searching for you. They've been looking for you even though I told them not to.

Dave: So did you guys have fun at my party?
Jemaine: Oh, amazing fun.
Bret: It was okay.
Murray: Sorry I couldn't make it, Dave. I, uh, wasn't *invited*.
Dave: Oh, that's okay.

Jemaine: It's just that I think she might be the one.
Bret: Sally?
Jemaine: Yeah.
Bret: What makes you think that?
Jemaine: You just know. When it happens to you, you'll know.
Bret: You said Michelle was the one.
Jemaine: Yeah, she's the one.
Bret: You said Claire was the one.
Jemaine: Yeah, she's another one.
Bret: So you get more than one one?
Jemaine: Some people are lucky. I've had a few ones.
Bret: So how many ones can you have?
Jemaine: Five.
Bret: How many have you had?
Jemaine: Three. How many have you had?
Bret: Just one. Just one.


"Flight of the Conchords: Mugged (#1.3)" (2007)
Bret: At least I didn't kill a monkey.

Bret: There ain't no party like my Nana's tea party. Hey! Ho!

Murray: He may be dead.
Dave: He maybe did what?
Murray: No, he may be dead.
Dave: What didn't he maybe do?
Murray: He maybe *dead*.
Bret: Dead.
Dave: Are you guys fucking with me?
Murray: He maybe dead, not alive.
Dave: Ohh...

Bret: [while being mugged] But Jemaine loves that camera-phone.
Jemaine: You can keep it.

Dave: [on Jemaine] I never understood a word that guy said, what was that he always said?
Bret: 'What'?
Dave: Yeah, 'wuht'.

Murray: [after talking about being Jemaine left to the muggers] Why didn't you tell me about this two days ago after it happened?
Bret: Because I thought he would have come home by then.

Murray: Band agenda. Item 1: haircut. Bret.
Bret: No. I won't get it done.
Murray: Well, get it cut! You don't hear of professional musicians with long hair.
Bret: Led Zeppelin.
Murray: I mean a man. It needs a trim.
Bret: Yours is pretty long, mate.

Jemaine: Murray, I was thinking perhaps we could do gigs at night.
Murray: No.
Jemaine: Yes. Most bands -
Murray: No.
Jemaine: Most bands play at night.
Murray: Not again. We've talked about this.
Jemaine: Most bands play at night.
Murray: It's too dangerous out there at night.
Jemaine: We go around walking around at night all the time.
Murray: Well, you know, anything could happen. You could get run over, pickpocketed, erm... fall down a manhole, bump into people, murdered... imagine that. Or even just ridiculed.
Jemaine: We've never been ridiculed.
Bret: No.
Murray: You haven't?
Bret: No.
Murray: Well, that's a surprise. I get ridiculed all the time.
Bret: Really?
Murray: Yeah.
[in a deep voice]
Murray: Hey, ginger balls.
[Ii his voice]
Murray: You know?
Jemaine: That was Bret. He called you that.
Bret: Oh, the other night.
Murray: Well, it's not just you, Bret. It's all the time. And it's not just "ginger balls", you know?
Bret: I thought that was your nickname.
Murray: No!

Jemaine: You abandoned me. You left me to die.
Bret: Well, I wouldn't have done it if I'd known you were going to hassle me about it.

Jemaine: You better watch out, Bret knows karate.
Bret: Yea, I've got a book on karate... but I haven't actually read it yet.


"Flight of the Conchords: Girlfriends (#1.8)" (2007)
Dave: I don't know how you guys do things in Europe...
Bret, Jemaine: New Zealand.
Dave: Yeah, probably. But in America, if you want to spend some time with the ladies, you've got to show them some sausage.

Bret: She's got two jobs - she's a pastry chef and a sniper.

Bret: Well, it turns out she's very aggressive.
Jemaine: Did she hit you?
Bret: No, she wanted to go all the way.
Jemaine: Mmm. I thought you already did go all the way.
Bret: No, now she wants to have sex.
Jemaine: [chokes on his juice] What gave you that impression?
Bret: She jumped on top of me and then touched me on the penis.

Bret: ...But you said you loved me... you had sex on me.

[Lisa climbs on top of Bret, who is asleep on his couch]
Lisa: Bret... Bret...
Bret: What are you doing?
Lisa: I couldn't sleep.
Bret: Well, you're not going to sleep any better up there...

Bret: A kiss is not a contract / But it's very nice / Mmm, very nice / Just because you've been exploring my mouth / Doesn't mean you get to take an expedition further south, no
Bret, Jemaine: A kiss is not a contract / But it's very nice / It's very, very nice / Just because we've been playing tonsil hockey / Doesn't mean you get to score the goal that's in my Jockey

Jemaine: Bonjour.
Felicia: Bonjour.
Jemaine: Bonjour.
Felicia: Bonjour, monsieur.
Jemaine: Bonjour, ma petite bureau de change.
Lisa: Ça va?
Bret: Ça va. Ça va?
Lisa: Ça va.
Bret: Voilà! La conversation dans le parc!

Jemaine: Je voudrais un croissant.
Lisa: What?
Jemaine: Je voudrais un croissant. Je suis enchanté. Où est la biblioteque? Voilá mon passeport. Ah, Gerard Depardieu! Baguette!
Jemaine, Bret: Aw-haw-haw!
Bret: Baguette! Aw-haw-haw-haw-haw!

Bret: I don't want to go too fast, you know? I don't want her to think that I'm easy.
Jemaine: You want her to think you're more difficult?


"Flight of the Conchords: New Fans (#1.10)" (2007)
Bret: Mel, these scrambled eggs are terrific.
Mel: Thank you, Bret.
Rain: Yeah, thanks for the food. It's really nice.
Mel: Thank you. Um, what was your name again?
Rain: It's Rain.
Mel: Oh, that's nice. Like, kind of like bad weather. I remember your name from the fan list. I check it regularly. Do you check it regularly?
Rain: No.
Mel: No? Do you not have a computer, or...
Rain: No, I do have a computer.
Mel: Oh, you can't read.

Murray Hewitt: You can't just neglect your old fans like that. What happens when the new fans fly the coop? You'll end up like Zed-Zed Top.
Bret: What are you talking about?
Murray Hewitt: You know, Zed-Zed Top?
Bret: Yeah.
Murray Hewitt: They sang the song about the, the, uh, woman with the legs. Anyway, they grew big beards, their old fans didn't like it, their new fans didn't like them without the beards, and then they had a "Do we have a beard or not?" sit - situation.

Murray Hewitt: And look at this.
Bret: That's our bedroom.
Murray Hewitt: Yep. That's a live webcam from your bedroom.
Jemaine: What?
Murray Hewitt: Fan base loves it. Actually, Jemaine, I've had a really good response from something that happened with you when you were alone with the webcam. Do you know what that would be?
Jemaine: I didn't know we had a webcam.
Murray Hewitt: Yeah, well, just, whatever you're doing, just be careful, all right?
Jemaine: What are you implying?
Murray Hewitt: Well, if I had a webcam above my bed, I - sometimes I might, you know, forget it's turned on.
Jemaine: I didn't know we had a webcam!
Bret: I think I might sleep in the lounge from now on.
Murray Hewitt: Oh, OK. Well, here we go, there's the lounge.

Murray Hewitt: So here you are - I bought you guys a beer.
Bret: I don't even drink beer.
Jemaine: I don't drink it either.
Murray Hewitt: Well, just drink it, will you? It's good for the rock & roll image.

Bret: Hey, Jemaine.
Jemaine: Hmm?
Bret: Last night, did you... look?
Jemaine: We agreed never to talk about this.

Murray Hewitt: Now, what happened last night?
Jemaine: Well, the new fans gave us illegal drugs and wanted to have a threesome with us.
Murray Hewitt: Whoa, really?
Jemaine: Mm.
Murray Hewitt: That's pretty rock & roll!
Bret: No, it was very awkward.

Bret: They want me in the threesome.
Jemaine: What?
Bret: Yeah.
Jemaine: Well, that's not a threesome, that's a foursome.
Bret: I don't know. I've never had a threesome.
Jemaine: I don't want you in my threesome. You don't even know anything about threesomes.
Bret: Have you ever had a threesome?
Jemaine: Nearly.
Bret: What do you mean "nearly"?
Jemaine: I've had a twosome.

Bret: [tripping on LSD] Get out. I'm having an acid reflux.


"Flight of the Conchords: Bret Gives Up the Dream (#1.2)" (2007)
Bret: [singing] We're gonna boom boom boom til the break of boom.

Jemaine: Murray, we need some money.
Murray: Oh O.K., how much? We got about four dollars in here.
Jemaine: Four dollars? I thought we had ten dollars.
Murray: This box cost six.
Bret: Well, what was wrong with the bag?
Murray: The bag was useless Bret! It had a great big hole in it... we must've lost about twenty dollars out of that bag!

Bret: She's so hot, she's making me sexist... bitch.

Bret: She's so hot. I wanna tell her she's hot, but she'll think I'm sexist. She's so hot, she's making me sexist... bitch."

Bret: It's a chicken egg situation.
Murray: What does he mean, chicken?
Jemaine: Well, you know, what came first the chicken or the egg?
Murray: Well, that's irrelevant, isn't it? Stupid. The chicken, obviously.
Bret: Well, then where'd the chicken come from?
Murray: Well it came from the - oh.
Bret: Yeah, see, the egg.
Murray: You're the egg. You're a bad egg. You've derailed this meeting with another obscure comment.

Bret: You've got work on your people skills, man.
Jemaine: Yeah, shut up, Bret.

Coco: I like your English accent.
Bret: New Zealand.
Coco: Oh, from New Zealand! I hear it's beautiful. Um, there's Vikings there, right?
Bret: Errr . . . yeah.

Bret: It's a chickin igg situation.
Murray: Whadya ya mean, what does he mean, 'chickin'?
Jemaine: Will, you know, what came first, the chickin or the igg?
Murray: Nah, that's irrilivint isn't it.
Jemaine: [Background] Causality
Murray: It's stupid. The chickin obviously.
Bret: Will where did the chickin come from?
Murray: Well it came from the...
[pause]
Murray: ah...
Bret: You see, the igg...
Murray: YOU'RE the igg. You're a bid igg, all right? You've derailed this meeting with another obscure commint.


"Flight of the Conchords: Bowie (#1.6)" (2007)
1986 David Bowie: Bret, Bret?... Bret! It's 1986 David Bowie from the movie "Labyrinth."
Bret: Yeah, I know.
1986 David Bowie: So you showed your penis to the man at the greeting-card company?
Bret: That was your idea.
1986 David Bowie: I didn't mean something like that. I only meant something like... I don't know, wear makeup or...
Bret: Yeah, I was wearing makeup. I had lightning bolts on my wanger.
1986 David Bowie: I meant on your face, Bret. On your face.
Bret: So have you got anymore advice?
1986 David Bowie: No. I don't have anymore advice. I've given you all of my good advice. Actually, I've totally lost confidence in my ability to help people. I'm useless.
Bret: Jemaine actually thinks that maybe you're a figment of my imagination.
1986 David Bowie: I might as well be, Bret. I might as well be.
Bret: Yeah.
1986 David Bowie: Anyway, Bret, I have to go.
Bret: Where are you going?
1986 David Bowie: I'm going to a party. I'm already 20 minutes late.
Bret: Sounds cool. Where's the party?
1986 David Bowie: In space, Bret. In space.
Bret: Space?
1986 David Bowie: Yeah. It is quite freaky, isn't it, Bret?
Bret: Yeah... no.
1986 David Bowie: Goodbye, Bret.
Bret: See you, Bowie.

Bret: So I'm guessing like, if David Bowie isn't that confident, then maybe - maybe most people aren't that confident? Which means... I'm not gonna worry about being confident.
Dave: Yeah, we don't need to worry about being confident.
Bret: Yeah...
Jemaine: But it's not really him though.
Bret: I know...
Jemaine: It's a dream.
Bret: I know, but...
Jemaine: It's your dream.
Bret: I know it's my dream, but you'd still think he'd be a lot more confident.
Jemaine: Yeah, can I have your biscuit, Bret?
Bret: Yeah, help yourself. I'm not eating anymore. I'm a bit too fat.

Murray: Hey guys, guess what's in my hand?
Bret: A biscuit?
Murray: Nope, not even close. Jermaine?
Jemaine: Another kind of biscuit?
Murray: No, I haven't got a biscuit, have I? I said no biscuit. It's not gonna be another kind, is it?
Bret: Is it a really *big* biscuit?
Murray: IT'S NOT A BISCUIT!
Jemaine: I don't know. You know I'm not very imaginative.
Murray: OK, well, you've ruined this game, I'll just show you.
[He shows them the muscial greeting card which plays their song]
Bret: That's flippin' awesome!
Murray: Listen to that!
Jemaine: But I thought they weren't gonna...
Murray: Well, Mr. Armstrong said he admired Bret's balls.

David Bowie: Oh, the media monkies and their junky junkies will invite you to their plastic pantomine... throw their invites away.
Bret: I'm not really sure what you're talking about.

Murray: That's good, Bret. Jemaine, you look depressed. Smile!
Jemaine: I'm not supposed to. I'm in a band.
Murray: Who wants to hear a sad band?
Jemaine: Well, this is the cool look for a band.
Murray: But what about when you - hands in the air and smile?
Jemaine: No, that's not what bands do. Bands don't put their arms in the air and smile.
Murray: I've seen that. I've seen musicians do that.
Bret: That's gymnasts, Murray.


"Flight of the Conchords: What Goes on Tour? (#1.9)" (2007)
Murray: I'm so angry I feel like swearing!
Bret: Oh no, you wouldn't swear at us...
Murray: Go fuck yourself, Bret!

Jemaine: How big's the bus going to be? The tour bus.
Murray: This is the tour bus, Jemaine.
Jemaine: This isn't a tour bus. It says here we're going to have a tour bus.
Murray: No, that's the rugby itinerary, isn't it? Alright, there's only two of you, you're not a big rugby team, you don't need a bus.
Bret: Oh, I thought we were getting a tour bus.
Murray: No, that's the rugby itinerary, Bret, alright? You can see there I've crossed out bus, haven't I?
Jemaine: Yeah you crossed out bus and you wrote bus.
Murray: Yeah, I got confused there, I didn't know what to do. Honda Accord was too big to fit in the gap there, so I put bus back in. I knew as soon as I wrote it there'd be some sort of controversy.

Murray: Oh, it's Shelly.
Bret: Oh, how's Shelly? I thought you were separated.
Murray: No, we're back together, remember? You asked me why I was crying, I said it was the happiest day of my life. You don't remember that?
Bret: Mm, no.


"Flight of the Conchords: A Good Opportunity (#2.1)" (2008)
Bret: We want to fire you as our manager.
Murray Hewitt: What? What? What's your reasoning, Bret?
Bret: You spend all your time on the crazy dogggz...
Jemaine: ...And you don't really spend any time on us.
Murray Hewitt: Before you came to me, you were poor and you had no gigs. Now look at you.
Bret: We're poor and we've got no gigs.
Jemaine: We're slightly poorer.
Murray Hewitt: Really?
Jemaine: Yeah, Bret's only got one shoe.

Jemaine: Women love weaving. They love to weave.
Bret: No, weaving is a man's game.
Jemaine: Bret, you put a woman in front of a weaving machine and just watch her go.
Bret: No, honestly my dad weaves, my grandfather was a weaver.
Jemaine: I thought your dad was a sheep lawyer.
Bret: Yeah, during the day, but at night he weaves a lot. I come from a family of weavers.
Jemaine: I've never seen a man weave.
Jemaine: I love weaving. I'm weaving at the moment, making a pair of trousers.

Bret: Women's rights.
Jemaine: No, that's more of a man's thing, isn't it?
Bret: No, definitely a woman's thing.
Jemaine: Nah, my father's a women's rights activist.
Bret: Your dad?
Jemaine: Yeah.
Bret: Not your mum?
Jemaine: No. Mum, no. Dad wouldn't allow that. No way.


"Flight of the Conchords: A New Cup (#2.2)" (2009)
Jemaine: Our check for the phone bill bounced. Says here, in our bank statement, that our account was short... By $2... and 79 cents... How much was that cup again?
Bret: 2.79.
Jemaine: [smugly] Oh? That's quite interesting, isn't it?... Well, because our check bounced we got charged a $30 overdraft fee. Which made our gas bill bounce.
Bret: Yep, that's boring, man
Jemaine: Yes, but the point is because of your $2.79 spending spree, we now owe $60, and our phone and gas are gonna be cut off.
Bret: [Not listening] Interesting.
[All of the lights go out]
Bret: Ah. We got a letter from the electricity company.
Jemaine: What did it say...?
Bret: ...I didn't read it.

Jemaine: It's dark, Bret.
Bret: Yeah, I know.
Jemaine: What expression is on your face?
Bret: Umm. Guilty expression. What expression is on your face?
Jemaine: Sad because we don't have any electricity, but satisfied because I was right about the cup.
Bret: That's a weird expression.

Murray Hewitt: Bret, you should have a guitar.
Bret: I sold it to pay the bills.
Murray Hewitt: You can't go on like that! Won't it sound weird with just the big guitar that Jemaine plays?
Jemaine: Bass. It's called a bass guitar.
Murray Hewitt: Well, I call it the '"Dad guitar" 'cause it's more like
[deep voice]
Murray Hewitt: "Da da da da - I'm your Dad. Hey Murray, get into the shed and get the mower and do the lawns - de de de." You need Bret's "Mum guitar" to add the beautiful tones.
[high voice]
Murray Hewitt: "Come on, darling, Murray's okay. Why you get home so late, Gordon?"
[deep voice]
Murray Hewitt: "I was just havin' a few beers."
Bret: It'll sound fine.
Murray Hewitt: It won't sound fine, Bret, you've got no guitar!
[Bret plays his air guitar]
Murray Hewitt: I can hardly hear it! You'd have to be deaf to hear that.


"Flight of the Conchords: Prime Minister (#2.7)" (2009)
Jemaine: You booked us a gig as a Simon and Garfunkel tribute act?
Murray Hewitt: [sighs] You're onto it.
Jemaine: You're trying to disguise it?
Murray Hewitt: I tried to disguise it as a gift. Okay? I'll admit it.
Bret: Murray, we don't sing other people's songs.
Murray Hewitt: Oh, I know, Bret. But here's the thing. I listened to some of their songs, and they're actually better than your songs.

Bret: Well, is there a New Zealand government gun?
Murray Hewitt: Yeah, but the army's got that.


"Flight of the Conchords: Yoko (#1.4)" (2007)
Bret: If you say that again, I'm gonna throw this sandwich at your face.

Jemaine: [after following Bret and Coco onto a bus] Bret.
Bret: [surprised] Hey man, what are you doing here?
Jemaine: Murray and I missed you and we want you to rejoin the band again.
Bret: Really?
Jemaine: Yeah, on one condition, that you...
[makes hand to throat gesture and points at Coco]
Bret: I'm not gonna kill her man.
Jemaine: No just leave - just leave her not...
Bret: Oh, no I'm not gonna leave her, I told you that. You know, I like the band but, no, I'm not leaving Coco
Coko: I wouldn't mind, I mean if that's what you really want.
Bret: Shush Baby.
Coko: I-I don't really see us as a long-term...
Bret: Shush.
Jemaine: So what's it gonna be Bret, the girl or the band?
Bret: Well, it's gonna be Coco.
Jemaine: Oh, are you sure?
Bret: Yeah.
Jemaine: Oh, I thought you - I was sure you were gonna say the band.
Bret: [Shakes head] No I'm staying with Coco.
Jemaine: [sighs] I guess you can still be in the band.
Bret: Okay, yeah all right.
Jemaine: Okay.
Bret: Cool.
Jemaine: Okay, well I'll see you later.
[gets up to leave]
Bret: I'll see you at band practice.
Jemaine: [sits down Again] Actually I'm gonna wait until the bus stops and then I'll get off.


"Flight of the Conchords: Drive By (#1.7)" (2007)
Dave: I don't know how you do in England...
Bret, Jemaine: New Zealand!
Dave: I don't care.

Dave: Say a comeback to him!
Jemaine: He's shouting stereotypes, racist stereotypes at us!
Dave: Yeah, let him have it, man!
Bret: Banana balls!
Jemaine: You look like a - a something, like a banana balls!


"Flight of the Conchords: Sally Returns (#1.5)" (2007)
Murray: Where are you going?
Jemaine: I'm going on a date
Bret: With who?
Jemaine: No one...
Murray: No one? That's not a date... That's just going out... I do that all the time! Do you want to go for a walk are something?


"Flight of the Conchords: Tough Brets (#2.3)" (2009)
Officer West: Sir, we've got a report of a kid being kicked on the street by a group of adults.
Bret: Yes, that was me.
Officer West: They said it was a group of adults.
Bret: Umm... that was my gang.
Officer West: OK, so why'd you kick the boy?
Bret: Umm... well, I guess that was gang related.
Officer West: Well, in the future I suggest that you don't kick children. We'll let this go because we don't like that particular kid, but we've got our eyes on you.


"Flight of the Conchords: Wingmen (#2.9)" (2009)
Bret: She works down at the cheap zoo.
Jemaine: The pet store?
Bret: Mmhm. Yeah.


"Flight of the Conchords: The Third Conchord (#1.12)" (2007)
Bret: Todd's not cool.
Murray Hewitt: What do you mean? He's cooler than both of you put together. Look at him over there with all his friends. He's like the Pied Piper of cool. Pied Piper was cool wasn't he?
Bret: Pied Piper wasn't cool, he took all those kids into a cave.
Murray Hewitt: No, I mean before that phase; when it was just the rats.


"Flight of the Conchords: Unnatural Love (#2.5)" (2009)
Bret: [talking about Jemaine sleeping with an Australian] Did you use protection?
Jemaine: Yes... but only on my penis.