Gerry Standing
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Quotes for
Gerry Standing (Character)
from "New Tricks" (2003)

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"New Tricks: Glasgow UCOS (#9.10)" (2012)
[first lines]
Gerry Standing: Aaough.
Steve McAndrew: Thought you were the golfer.
Gerry Standing: [chuckles] So did I.
[Steve chuckles]
Gerry Standing: Go on then.
Steve McAndrew: OK.
Gerry Standing: A really difficult green to read, I tell you.
Steve McAndrew: I know, I know, I know, I know, you worry. Here we go.
DAC Robert Strickland: Morning.
Steve McAndrew: Oh, morning, sir.
DAC Robert Strickland: What are you two doing?
Steve McAndrew: Final hole of the open.

Gerry Standing: You've no idea about the amount of *crap* that UCOS got in the early days. I mean at first everyone said 'Oh yeah, what a great idea' but then they realized we were working just a bit too well; we were showing up ex-coppers for what they actually were: slovenly, disinterested, and in some cases downright bent!

Steve McAndrew: Gerry.
Gerry Standing: Where're you going?
Steve McAndrew: On the Underground.
Gerry Standing: The Underground?
Steve McAndrew: Mm-hm, Glasgow does Underground.
Gerry Standing: I was surprised by the electric lights.

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: You know what? Scotland's beginning to grow on me.
Steve McAndrew: What, you're actually willing to come back again?
Gerry Standing: Yeah, could well do, actually. If you could ever scrape together eleven decent players to give us a game.

DAC Robert Strickland: Glasgow's been in touch.
Steve McAndrew: Oh?
DAC Robert Strickland: They're setting up their own cold case review section.
Gerry Standing: What, like this one?
DAC Robert Strickland: I doubt it'll ever be quite like this one, no.

Gerry Standing: Oh, Charlie, look, I'm sorry to talk shop all the time. it must bore to death.
Charlene Scott: It's OK, I'm used to it.
Steve McAndrew: Charlie's in forensics. It's how we met. Over a cadaver. It was liver at first sight, eh, darling?

Gerry Standing: Listen, if I'm going to be forced to stay in this place for another seven bleeding days, I'm not going to waste my time watching you make a prat of yourself. We do this by the book.
[Steve chuckles]
Gerry Standing: What're you laughing at?
Steve McAndrew: [chuckling] You sound just like Sandra.
Gerry Standing: Tchah.

"New Tricks: The English Defence (#11.8)" (2014)
Gerry Standing: Chess is all about an inner eye for geometric relationships. Plus, of course, a capacity for deductive logic.
Steve McAndrew: Why are we wasting our time on this again?
Gerry Standing: Look. If A implies B and B implies C, then A implies C. D'you understand?
Steve McAndrew: I do. If you keep talking bollocks and I keep listening to your bollocks, then you'll keep talking bollocks.

[Gerry is getting obsessed with chess, after investigating a murder victim who was a keen chess-player]
Gerry Standing: It gets under your skin. When I finally *did* close my eyes last night, all I could see were bishops and rooks.
Steve McAndrew: Makes a change from tarts and vicars, eh?

Gerry Standing: [about Steve's moodiness] I'll find out what's wrong with him.
DCI Sasha Miller: No, no, no. You're nobody's idea of the Peace Corps; let him sort it out himself.

Gerry Standing: [about Steve] He's been like this for days. Doesn't bring anything to the party, and then pisses on everybody's chips.

[last lines]
Danny Griffin: [about chess] Did you know there are three hundred and eighteen *billion* possible positions after our first four moves each?
Gerry Standing: Don't try and blind me with science. It's a simple game.
Danny Griffin: And that the number of distinct forty-move games is greater than the number of electrons in the observable universe.
Gerry Standing: Just make *one* move, will you!
Danny Griffin: Yes, of course, right.
[moves his queen]
Danny Griffin: Checkmate.

Steve McAndrew: Think of us as a new pair of eyes.
Viktor Proust: If facts are same, only people analysing are different. You are better than first police?
Gerry Standing: Spot on. We are the super-sleuths of Scotland Yard.
Viktor Proust: I don't think so.

"New Tricks: Lost in Translation (#8.3)" (2011)
[first lines]
Genevieve: You must, uh, go slowly at first, and, uh, gradually you can increase the speed. You need to, uh, keep going until it's, um, stiff.
[Gerry and the Cookery School Man exchange glances]
Genevieve: Voila. Ferme to the touch like this is parfait.
[she eats some and sighs with pleasure; Gerry and the Cookery School Man react again]
Genevieve: [she looks at the Cookery School Man's work] Salut.
Genevieve: [looking at Gerry's work] C'est chouette, chéri.
Gerry Standing: Sorry?
Genevieve: Ah, I said uh, is, ah, very good.
Gerry Standing: Ah, thank you.
Genevieve: But you know, French food isn't just about, uh, cooking the ingredients in the right order. It's about a lot more than that.
Gerry Standing: Is it?
Genevieve: Why, yes! It is about, uh, France itself. It's about, uh, the passion, the, the culture. The language. This you must remember.
Gerry Standing: All right, I will. Yeah, thank you.
[she moves off to check other students]
Cookery School Man: She's right. You have to immerse yourself in the whole experience.
Gerry Standing: How much French do you speak?
Cookery School Man: [staring at Genevieve's backside as she leans over a table] Va-va-voom!

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: [she has found a French dictionary in the glove compartment] Learning French?
Gerry Standing: Oh, no, not really, no. It's just my cookery teacher; she says I should immerse myself in everything French.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Oh, yeah, how's it going?
Gerry Standing: Merde.

Gerry Standing: Didn't know you spoke French.
Jack Halford: I'm full of surprises, me. As are you apparently. "Of all the stores in all the world..."
Gerry Standing: Eh?
Jack Halford: Never mind.

Gerry Standing: [about Genevieve] I think I might ask her out.
Jack Halford: Why not? An attractive, stylish, sophisticated French woman and you. Why not; would that go wrong?
Gerry Standing: Exactly.

[last lines]
Jack Halford: Who would like another drink?
Gerry Standing: Whoa, not for me, thanks. Gotta run.
Brian Lane: Got another cooking class?
Gerry Standing: No, I've been invited to an oenological event.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: A what?
Brian Lane: Wine-tasting.
Gerry Standing: Vintage wine. Which, like women, get better with age.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Thanks, Gerry.
Jack Halford: I'm not sure he was talking about *you*.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: She just sat down and told us how she followed David, how she took him by surprise.
Jack Halford: She smiled when she did it.
Brian Lane: She was proud of what happened.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, she avenged her father. Upheld the family honour.
Jack Halford: I could call it a lot of things, but honourable wouldn't be one of them.

"New Tricks: Into the Woods (#10.6)" (2013)
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: His company books stank.
Gerry Standing: Why?
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: They were immaculate.

Gerry Standing: "They fuck you up, your mum and dad./ They may not mean to, but they do. / They fill you with the faults they had / Then add some extra, just for you."
Danny Griffin: You said all that to Tim by the lake?
Gerry Standing: Nah, just the first line; I looked the rest up later.

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: Guv'nor, you ready for another big night?
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Already planned one. I'm going to go home, microwave a curry and watch some rubbish telly.
Gerry Standing: Normal service is resumed.
Steve McAndrew: Night, Guv. Night, Danny.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Night.
Danny Griffin: Go'night.
[Steve and Gerry leave]
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Good night.
Danny Griffin: G'night.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Danny...
Danny Griffin: Yeah?
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Good to have you with us.

Gerry Standing: Well, maybe he did top himself.
Danny Griffin: So why try and take all that money out?
Gerry Standing: Well, that knock-back could have been just what tipped the scales. I know the banks make me feel suicidal every now and again.

Gerry Standing: Now listen, son, you got a choice here: you kill me too... or you bolt for it. You see, the thing is I don't think you're really a killer; I think what happened with Simon was just in the heat of the moment. And I bet you've been hating yourself ever since. But I don't see you as a bolter either. So you got another choice...

"New Tricks: Only the Brave (#8.8)" (2011)
[first lines]
Stephanie Parr: Even coming in 'ere... Someone sees me coming in or out of this place...
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: We understand.
Stephanie Parr: This is a risk for me.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Yup.
Stephanie Parr: A big risk.
Gerry Standing: Don't worry. There's a way out at the back of the building; I'll show you later.

Stephanie Parr: Can I smoke in here?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: No.
Gerry Standing: Sadly.

Jack Halford: There's a pile of unsolved cases over there. Why is something as flimsy as this jumping the queue?
Gerry Standing: Well, if you'll let me get a word in edgewise, I'll explain,
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Welcome to my world, Gerry.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Just explain to me how that woman had two men in her life.
Gerry Standing: Well, she probably has one as a spare for after she's eaten the other one.

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: Karen Chapman was arrested twenty minutes ago; apparently she went nuts. It took five woodentops to restrain her.
Brian Lane: Well, that's a happy ending, of sorts.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Not for Stuart Barlow, it isn't.
Jack Halford: Oh, even the best of us make mistakes, Sandra.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Well, I'm just glad we were here to clear up the mess.

"New Tricks: Old Fossils (#8.1)" (2011)
[Gerry and Brian are about to break into Gerry's ex-wife's house so Gerry can retrieve what he thinks is a valuable fossil]
Brian Lane: You can't just walk into someone's house in the middle of the night when they're away. Gerry, this is illegal entry.
Gerry Standing: [smirking] All my wives have said that to me at one time or another!

[Brian and Gerry are chasing Mark Slater around the laboratory. When it looks as if Mark will escape, Brian takes a holdall from Barry Drake and skims it along the floor as if it was a bowling ball, causing Mark to trip over it and fall]
Gerry Standing: Strike!

[last lines]
[Gerry has asked Madeleine Simmonds to identify a fossil that he has "borrowed" from one of his ex-wives, hoping that it will be worth a lot of money]
Madeleine Simmonds: It's coprolite.
Madeleine Simmonds: [excited] Is it?
Brian Lane: Coprolite.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, I own a coprolite. So between ourselves, could you give me a rough, ball-park figure of what I might hope to get for it?
Madeleine Simmonds: Well, someone with a scatological sense of humour might offer you a few quid to have it as a conversation piece.
Gerry Standing: [horrified] A few quid? But it's thousands of years old!
Madeleine Simmonds: Oh yes, it's old all right, but it's not all that uncommon. Coprolite is fossilised animal dung.
Gerry Standing: Shit!
Madeleine Simmonds: Precisely.
Gerry Standing: I don't want it.
[Gerry hands the coprolite to Brian who sniffs it]

[first lines]
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: [Brian opens a storage locker] Brian!
Jack Halford: Well, say what you like about Bob Ruxton, but he never kept you waiting.
Brian Lane: Aye, he was a good man. Always had time for a chat.
Gerry Standing: And he always pulled the rounds. The nights I've been on the hit-and-miss with Doc Ruxton...
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Yeah, well, that kind of behaviour might account for his having been suspended, mightn't it?
Jack Halford: It's a hard thing for a man to be publicly pilloried after a long and distinguished career.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: He's not being pilloried, Jack. He's facing charges of negligence and incompetence.
Brian Lane: Nobody's perfect, Sandra.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: I'll fix us up a meeting with the Keeper of Palaeontology, who's the head of Fletcher's old department.
Gerry Standing: Excuse my ignorance, but what does the Keeper of Palaeontology actually do?
Brian Lane: Oh, a very important job, Jerry. He's responsible for a world-class collection of fossils.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: [mutters] Just like me.

"New Tricks: Powerhouse (#4.5)" (2007)
[first lines]
Police Officer: [to Brian, who is breathing heavily at the foot of a ladder] Go on. You can do it. Sir.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: When the builders found this, they called the local police who threw it up to us when they realized it was relevant to an old murder case.
Jack Halford: How long was the trap door secured?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Ah, the builders reckon the false ceiling was put in sometime in the fifties.
Gerry Standing: And any time after that it would have been Artexed over.
Brian Lane: [half-way into the attic] Oh, bloody hell, I can't do this. Confined space. Doctor's orders.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: It's all right, Brian, you don't have to come all the way up; you can watch from there.

Gerry Standing: My three marriages went sideways 'cause I was always firing after glamorous, glitzy blondes, but with you it's different.
June Parker: Oh, yeah?
Gerry Standing: Oh, definitely. I mean, you're not my type at all.
June Parker: Oh, that's terrific, Gerry. Thank you very-
Gerry Standing: Oh no no no, I didn't mean that at all. I didn't mean-
June Parker: Sh-sh-sh. When you're in a hole, stop digging.

Gerry Standing: [about an old bus] God, it takes you back, doesn't it? You know it was on the top deck of one of these in 1961 I had my first adult experience.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: I don't think I want to know about that.
Gerry Standing: I smoked a Woodbine!

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: There is a bit of justice left in the world.
D.A.C. Strickland: Never mind about justice. The point is how the hell did Hannah Parker get hold of our half of the document, eh?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Nothing to do with me, sir, I can assure you of that.
D.A.C. Strickland: [answering his mobile] Strickland.
D.A.C. Strickland: Yes. Thanks.
[closes mobile]
D.A.C. Strickland: Hannah Parker is on the BBC news.
Hannah Parker: [on TV] I'm not prepared to reveal my sources. But I will say that even in the most reactionary, corrupt, and incompetent institutions, that there are one or two individuals who still know the meaning of integrity.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: [a criminal arrives home to find a Police raid in progress] That's him!
Jack Halford: Didn't they make a wrong-number phone call to make sure he was in?
Gerry Standing: What do they teach the kids these days?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: [the suspect drives off at high speed] Drive, Jack!
Jack Halford: This is no job for a man on beta-blockers.

"New Tricks: Deep Swimming (#11.3)" (2014)
[Gerry is moaning about modern students who spend three years studying something that is completely irrelevant to the job that they then get, just for "the experience"]
Gerry Standing: If they want an experience, tell them to get up at five o'clock every morning, do a fifteen hour shift covered in animal guts. Cos that's what I was doing at their age. And that *is* an experience.
Steve McAndrew: Yeah but to be fair, Gerry, training as a butcher doesn't have that much to do with detective work, now does it?
Gerry Standing: Well that's not true, actually. Cos once you can quarter a cow, single-handed, without flinching... Prepares you for anything, doesn't it?

[Gerry is questioning Frances Kane, a radical feminist. He notices a large wooden ornament on her desk, carved in the shape of a woman's genitals, and keeps glancing at it]
Frances Kane: Is my vagina bothering you?
Gerry Standing: [hesitantly, embarrassed] No, no, it's very nice.
Frances Kane: I had it made for my 50th birthday. I call it my portrait.
Gerry Standing: [horrified] What, you mean that's... you? That is your...?
Frances Kane: Yes, it's me.
[to Steve, after they have left Frances]
Gerry Standing: I take it back about quartering a cow. It did *not* prepare me for *that*!

Gerry Standing: Two hundred grand for sexual discrimination. What a load of bollocks!
DCI Sasha Miller: Yeah, I think that's the point she's making, Gerry.

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: Well, I can't help it; I feel a bit sorry for the poor sod.
DCI Sasha Miller: He did have a choice, Gerry.
Gerry Standing: Yeah.
Danny Griffin: "'Tis a goodly life you lead, if only you are strong enough to lead it."
Steve McAndrew: Shakespeare?
Danny Griffin: Wind in the Willows.

Danny Griffin: Court records show he was carrying an IED, improvised explosive device.
Gerry Standing: Where I come from that's a home-made bomb.

"New Tricks: Tender Loving Care (#11.2)" (2014)
[first lines]
Gerry Standing: We're going to be about as popular as a fart in a spacesuit.
Danny Griffin: Can we go home now?
DCI Sasha Miller: Yep. You might just enjoy yourselves.
Bouncer: Awright, you can come in, but you lot... no way. Strip club's 'round the corner.
DCI Sasha Miller: [showing warrant card] Yep, they're with me.
Gerry Standing: And we're on business!

[Steve is texting while they walk]
Gerry Standing: We're trolling down here on a totally pointless... Are you listening to any of this?
Steve McAndrew: Yean, I'm doing it.
Gerry Standing: Can you give us five grand and pay me bar bill for a year?
Steve McAndrew: Of course; no problem, yeah, yeah.

Gerry Standing: Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

[Sasha takes her first sip of tea in several days, and sighs with enjoyment]
Gerry Standing: If I'd known it was that easy to make a woman moan, I would have called myself Earl Grey.

"New Tricks: The One That Got Away (#10.8)" (2013)
Gerry Standing: Guv'nor, can I just point out something?
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: What?
Gerry Standing: This isn't our case anymore. Strickland told us to clear the board.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: You never disobeyed an order?

Gerry Standing: Hold on, hold on; this isn't even our case anymore.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Shut up and get your coat!

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: Sandra, I hate to say this... but you're right to go.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Really?
Gerry Standing: Yeah, yeah. God knows I'll miss you. No, we all will. But, uh, these past few years, well, I finally felt that I've achieved something. And it's all down to you.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Hardly.
Gerry Standing: Oh, yes it is. When you've treated us better than any boss could... And quite often we didn't deserve it.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: That's certainly true.
Gerry Standing: But you don't belong here any more. Naw, you belong out there where there's more exciting stuff to be done. And we're all big enough and ugly enough to cope.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: I should certainly hope so. I'll miss it. I'll miss you.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, well, just one thing: when you walk out of here, just don't look back.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: I'll try not to.
Gerry Standing: [brightly] Ready for the pub? I'll get 'em in. Your usual gallon of dry white?
[he exits her office]
Gerry Standing: Here, come, she's going to meet us there.
Jack Halford: You going to sit there moping all day? Are you coming for a drink?
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: I'll be right there, Jack.

Gerry Standing: You want us to spend all night trawling through London looking for a tramp with a camera!
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: I'd love to join you, but I'm a bit busy.
Steve McAndrew: Busy doing what?
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Minding my own business.

"New Tricks: In Vino Veritas (#11.7)" (2014)
Gerry Standing: Middle-aged man plus beautiful girl divided by he won't take no for an answer.
DCI Sasha Miller: Equals yes, we know what it looks like, Gerry.

Jason Harvey: I never heard Rich and Joanne argue, not once, y'know. They're like a couple of swans.
Gerry Standing: What, you mean they hissed at you when you tried to give them bread?

Gerry Standing: [about his car] That *thing* is a classic.
Steve McAndrew: You seem to thing 'cause somethings old it's good, you know.
Gerry Standing: In my experience, something is old *because* it's good.
Steve McAndrew: Yeah, yeah.
Gerry Standing: Built to last, mate; built to last.

[last lines]
DCI Sasha Miller: What took you so long?
Gerry Standing: Ah, I got terry to make a little, uh, improvement.
Steve McAndrew: Didn't you say it was perfect?
GPS: Have a nice day, Gerry.
Steve McAndrew: Gerry?

"New Tricks: The Rock: Part Two (#10.2)" (2013)
[Brian and Gerry are trapped in a shipping container that is being transported across Europe]
Brian Lane: The only way out is when that door opens. From the outside. And depending on how far we're going, that might be days.
Gerry Standing: Well there's only one question left, then, isn't there. Am I going to eat you or are you going to eat me?

Gerry Standing: [Brian snuggles up against Gerry] Wey, hey, hey, behave yourself!
Brian Lane: No, look, Gerry, we have to share our body warmth or we might bloody freeze to death in here.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, alright. But no forking.
Brian Lane: You mean 'spooning'.
Gerry Standing: That and all.
Brian Lane: What's 'forking', anyway?
Gerry Standing: Go to sleep, Brian.

Gerry Standing: Any word back from London about those records? It'd be handy to know who was here in '82.
Cmdr Adam Sinclair: No, I'm afraid not. They can be somewhat, um... cumbersome when it things like that, even for esteemed police colleagues.
Gerry Standing: Well, maybe we'll call them ourselves, eh. Directly.
Cmdr Adam Sinclair: That would be highly discourteous of you.
Brian Lane: This wasn't just a boy that was murdered, Commander Sinclair. This was a brother, and a son. Courtesy doesn't come into it!

Gerry Standing: [Sandra has allowed Brian to stay with the team] Let me get this straight. Are you saying she let you off the hook?
Gerry Standing: Naah. She's still going to kill me. Just a bit later.

"New Tricks: Bermondsey Boy (#11.1)" (2014)
Caitlin Standing: 'Mr Standing' - what was that?
Gerry Standing: I hardly know the bloke.
Caitlin Standing: He's trying his bloody heart out here. Why can't you?
Gerry Standing: There's no need to swear.
Caitlin Standing: I'm your daughter; swearing's part of the job description.

Gerry Standing: How the bloody hell did you get in here?
Robin: Well, I am a solicitor.
Gerry Standing: Oh, yeah. Slither under the door, did you?

Gerry Standing: It's a historic thing. Solicitors and coppers are like cats and dogs; they never get on.
Caitlin Standing: Well, if you can't make this right, dad... then I don't want you at the wedding.
Gerry Standing: But I'm giving you away.
Caitlin Standing: No, dad. You're throwing me away.

[last lines]
Caitlin Standing: Throw that butt on the ground, and it's a fixed penalty notice of seventy-five pounds.
Gerry Standing: A bit steep, i'n't it?
Caitlin Standing: We can reduce it to thirty if you pay within ten days. You promised me you'd give up anyway.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, well, I, uh,
[throws the butt into the river]
Gerry Standing: I'm working on it.
Caitlin Standing: I want you there, dad. For the wedding, the grand-kids, all of it.
Gerry Standing: Why don't we see if Robin's free for lunch?

"New Tricks: Dead Poets (#9.7)" (2012)
[first lines]
Gerry Standing: Why did you kill him, Mehtin?
Mehtin Topal: I didn't.
Gerry Standing: You're lying.
Mehtin Topal: Look, I admit I was a bad man ten years ago.
Gerry Standing: You were a heroin smuggling sociopath who killed Sean Docherty.
Mehtin Topal: I didn't even know the guy. He was a poet, apparently; yeah, come on, do I look like I need the rhyme?
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: His body was found in your yard.
Mehtin Topal: You found a poet on my patch, and used it as an excuse to sniff around and bring me down on a whole lot of other stuff. But you never charged me for the murder, and I'm walking out of here in nine months; so go suck on that.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Sean was bludgeoned to death and then set alight in your yard between ten and ten thirty p.m. on March the twenty-ninth 2002.
Mehtin Topal: If you say so.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: And yet you weren't even in London according to your chauffeur, Emray.
Mehtin Topal: I was driving up to Newcastle.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: He stuck to that story for ten years.
Mehtin Topal: He's a good lad. I must remember to buy him a drink when I get out.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: You'll have a job; he's gone into witness protection. However, before he went, he broke your alibi.
Gerry Standing: So go suck on *that*.

Gerry Standing: You're only saying that cause you want to get into her Alans.
Brian Lane: Eh?
Gerry Standing: Cockney poetry. Alan Wickers. Work it out.

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: We got a result. 'All's well that ends well.'
Brian Lane: Huh. That's Shakespeare, you know.
Gerry Standing: I know; I bloody love poetry. You know when I went to see Alice? She was ready to give me a right ear-bashing. One line of verse and she melted. It's bloody Viagra, that stuff.
Brian Lane: Told you.
Gerry Standing: Yeah. Wasted on the likes of you.

Brian Lane: [to Gerry] Any luck?
Gerry Standing: I don't know; women today!
Steve McAndrew: Maybe it's your technique, Gerry.
Gerry Standing: Nothing wrong with *my* technique, Thistleface.

"New Tricks: Cry Me a River (#10.5)" (2013)
[first lines]
Gerry Standing: So, what's his name?
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Dan Griffin.
Steve McAndrew: Nah, never heard of him.
Gerry Standing: Where's he from?
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Near London somewhere.
Gerry Standing: *Near* London?
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Sussex. No, Surrey.
Steve McAndrew: How old is he?
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Uh, fifty-two.
Gerry Standing: Fifty-two?
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Yeah, he's only just retired, but he's been with the Met thirty years.
[Gerry grunts]
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: I like him.
Gerry Standing: You like Marmite.
Steve McAndrew: *I* like Marmite.
Gerry Standing: But why are we meeting him in Soho?
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Well, I thought he might as well get stuck straight in, and the murder case that Strickland wants to brief us on took place here.
Steve McAndrew: What's that? the death of an almond croissant?
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Grow up.

Gerry Standing: You know a bit about this case, do you?
Danny Griffin: Yeah. I started as a beat officer in Soho.
Gerry Standing: Hah. Me too! Good old seventies!
Danny Griffin: Before my time.
[Sandra grins at Gerry]

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Jane, you failed to disclose the fact that you were having an affair at the time your husband was killed.
Jane Harlow: I was at a party the night Jim died. I'll never forget the police coming in to tell me he'd been... found. One of them was very solicitous. Very kind. And then he asked me for my autograph.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Jane, could you tell me who Sara's real father is?
Jane Harlow: [to Gerry] I'm sorry, but have we met before?
Gerry Standing: [nervously] Me? No. No, sadly not, no, and I, I would *definitely* remember.
[Sandra glares at him]

Danny Griffin: Angela Gold. Singer. But then, murder trial. Popular victim. Sounds like zero career prospects to me. I reckon she's adopted a pseudonym.
Gerry Standing: Or changed her name.

"New Tricks: Couldn't Organise One (#5.5)" (2008)
Jack Halford: How did you get on? Enjoy yourself with Jacinta?
Gerry Standing: No, not really. I don't fancy her.
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: I'm sure she'll get over it.
Gerry Standing: No, you don't understand. I don't fancy her - it's weird.
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: Maybe you're finally emerging from puberty.

[first lines]
TV Reporter: [on TV] After hearing the guilty verdict, Deputy Assistant Commissioner Robert Strickland gave this reaction.
D A C Strickland: It is hard to comprehend how a detective of McAdam's rank and experience could have deceived his fellow officers for so long.
Gerry Standing: 'Cause you were in charge of him, you pillock!
D A C Strickland: We will now undertake a full and thorough review of all the major investigations led by DCI Mcadam during the last fifteen years.
Brian Lane: Ouch.
Jack Halford: Fifteen years.
Gerry Standing: Pity the poor bastards who've got to sort that lot out.
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: [holding a thick file] Yes, pity.
Brian Lane: But it's nothing to do with us; those are all closed cases.
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: All except this one.
Gerry Standing: No way!
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: You don't want to do it?
Jack Halford: No.
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: Nineteen ninety-eight, a twenty-six-year-old named Graham Thompson drowned in a vat of beer. Felspar's Brewery, Hoxton - as in the still functioning, still making beer Felspar's.
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: OK. Fair enough.
Brian Lane: Felspar's. I must have drunk gallons of the stuff.
Gerry Standing: We could have a *little* look.
Jack Halford: Wouldn't hurt.

Gerry Standing: The brewery paid for most of this, didn't it?
Jacinta Felspar: I got this the hard way: I married someone.
Gerry Standing: Tell me about it.

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: I told you there was something weird going on.
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: Seeing as you were so right, you can so write this one up. Good night.
Jack Halford: Good night.
Brian Lane: Night.
Gerry Standing: Uh, good night.
[opens a bottle of Far-Reaching Bitter]
Gerry Standing: Last one. What a shame.

"New Tricks: Blood Is Thicker Than Water (#6.7)" (2009)
[first lines]
Jack Halford: How can Strickland afford to keep a boat in a place like this?
Brian Lane: Yeah, I couldn't afford to fish in it.
Gerry Standing: When I was a kid this whole place was a toilet. Literally. Few yards down the road, the biggest sewage plant in Bermondsey.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Thanks for that precise mental image, Gerry.
Jack Halford: Does he have to drag us all the way out here?
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: I think it's very nice of him actually to take us for a bit of a sail. It's his way of saying thank you for all our hard work.
Gerry Standing: I prefer 'ard cash.
[they start down the ramp]
Gerry Standing: Ooh dear, be careful.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Shut up.
Jack Halford: Which one is Strickland's?
Brian Lane: G7. It must be the mooring number.
Jack Halford: Ah. G9. G8.
[pointing to a large yacht]
Jack Halford: Ah, must be this one.
Gerry Standing: Blimey!
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Wow!
D.A.C. Robert Strickland: [from the next boat] Ah! Welcome aboard the 'Last Minett'.
Gerry Standing: He's having a laugh, isn't he?
Jack Halford: I've seen bigger bathtubs.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: It turns out before Milburn and Carole got together, Carole and Patrick Nash were the school's Romeo and Juliet
Gerry Standing: Ah, shagging.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: I think the preferred term is childhood sweethearts.
Gerry Standing: Hmp. Shagging.

Gerry Standing: Where've you been?
Brian Lane: Down the library.
Gerry Standing: Cor, you know how to live, don't you!

Jack Halford: Grant Milburn. He is the man Leanne claims Fisher murdered. He made his millions in casinos.
Gerry Standing: Alright. I remember him.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Not surprised. It was propbably you who made him rich.

"New Tricks: Death of a Timeshare Salesman (#6.5)" (2009)
[first lines]
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Sorry to keep you, sir. Car trouble.
Brian Lane: And bike trouble.
D.A.C. Strickland: You're probably all wondering what I'm doing here.
Jack Halford: It had occurred to us.
D.A.C. Strickland: I've been asked to pilot a new scheme which aims to ensure senior ranks interface more regularly with what's happening further down the chain of command.
Gerry Standing: Slumming it, you mean.
D.A.C. Strickland: I prefer to see it as maintaining a ground up approach to policing.

[last lines]
Brian Lane: Who's going to tell Pamela about the reward?
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: I will.
Gerry Standing: I suppose one of us claiming it would be out of the question.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Completely. And it's against Met rules, as you well know, Gerry.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, but technically those rules only apply to you. I mean we're civilians. Could be a good few bob in it.
[Sandra just looks at him]
Gerry Standing: That'd be a no, then.

Jack Halford: And then, of course, there was the vanishing man.
Brian Lane: Mm, Trevor Jones.
Gerry Standing: Cor, right piece of work he was. What?
Jack Halford: It's not?
Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Oh yes it is. Mike Barnes is Trevor Jones!
Gerry Standing: You're kidding?
Jack Halford: Under lock and key? Ooh-ooh, it makes you glad to have lived this long.

"New Tricks: Congratulations (#3.8)" (2006)
Gerry Standing: So, Ricky Hanson - mate of yours?
Jack Halford: Biggest murdering, thieving, lying, piece of morally bankrupt shite I've ever laid eyes on.
Brian Lane: Well, nothing personal then.

[first lines]
Brian Lane: What's going on? Why are we here? What's the big mystery?
Gerry Standing: Who cares? There's a tab; someone else is paying.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: [arriving] Evening, all.
Gerry Standing: Oh, evening.
Brian Lane: What's this about, then?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: It's December the ninth.
Gerry Standing: Is it?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: You haven't twigged, have you? UCOS, three years old today. Happy birthday!
Gerry Standing: Aaah. Look, the reason men don't remember dates is because they're too busy.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Men don't remember dates 'cause they don't care.
Brian Lane: Why is the table set for five places?
Jack Halford: [looking toward door as Strickland arrives] Every silver lining has a cloud.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: It was his idea, and he's paying for it.
Jack Halford: Oh, well, in that case...

[last lines]
Brian Lane: Does Jack know?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: No, we're going to go and tell him; where is he?
Brian Lane: I don't know.
Gerry Standing: Well, the last thing he said to me was that he had some unfinished business.

"New Tricks: Family Business (#2.2)" (2005)
Gerry Standing: [on meeting Sgt. Guha] Pushkar?
Sgt Pushkar Guha: Yeah. It's Hindi for Skoda.

Supt. Sandra Pullman: [Referring to a criminal convicted of race-hate crimes] He's now a born-again Christian.
Gerry Standing: [Shaking his head in disbelief] Jesus!
Jack Halford: He was the first, I think you'll find.

Sgt Pushkar Guha: Right then, back to uniform.
Brian Lane: What are you on about? You've hardly had yours off.
Sgt Pushkar Guha: What? Ruin a perfectly good suit?
Supt. Sandra Pullman: Shame.
Jack Halford: Bloody shame.
Gerry Standing: [and Pushkar and Brian, together] Pound.
Brian Lane: Pound minimum.
Supt. Sandra Pullman: The swear box is gone.
Gerry Standing: What do you mean gone? How?
Jack Halford: It's a police station. Some bugger nicked it.

"New Tricks: The Truth Is Out There (#6.2)" (2009)
[Gerry had a date with Melissa the night before]
Jack Halford: This poor woman actually agreed to go and have a drink with you?
Gerry Standing: Agreed? *She* asked *me*.
Brian Lane: Isn't it a bit dangerous for someone with a severe visual impairment to be riding a bike in London?
Jack Halford: She could get her white stick caught in the spokes.
[Jack and Brian laugh. Sandra walks into the room]
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: What's so funny?
Gerry Standing: Nothing.
Brian Lane: Gerry's been asked out on a date by a forty-five-year-old.
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: Woman?
Gerry Standing: Very funny. She happens to be gorgeous.
Brian Lane: With a thing for older men.
Jack Halford: *Much* older.
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: Maybe she's just looking for a man with wisdom and experience.
Gerry Standing: Thank you, Sandra.
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: ...And she thinks Gerry might know one.
[Sandra, Jack and Brian laugh uproariously. Gerry walks off in a huff]

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: [pointing at Brian] He thinks it was aliens
Brian Lane: I'm just saying we've no proof to support one version of events over another. Maybe there are more things in heaven and whatnot...
Jack Halford: His mechanism's gone.
Gerry Standing: He should phone home.
Brian Lane: Yeah, well, you believe what you like. But when whatever it is comes crawling out of them woods bent on world domination, then you'll all be sorry.

Brian Lane: This is a colleague's reputation on the line!
Gerry Standing: No, this is a massive forest full of bloody Yanks, that's what it is. Two very good reasons for me to stay here.
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: Fine. Then whilst we're gone you can plough through Derek Brooker's case files for us.
Gerry Standing: X-files, more like.
Brian Lane: The truth is out there, Gerry.

"New Tricks: Talking to the Dead (#1.6)" (2004)
Gerry Standing: Listen to this.
[reading a memo]
Gerry Standing: "All the constituents of UCOS over the age of fifty are requested to undergo routine physical and psychological evaluation on the fifteenth of the month to ensure compliance and capability to operate within the parameters of their defining role."
[passes memo to Brian]
Gerry Standing: They're taking the piss!
PC Clark: Not yet, but they certainly will be. Three hundred millilitres minimum.

Superintendent Sandra Pullman: [Pullman has caught PC Clarke acting as Tea Boy] Hang on! I thought we had an understanding not using Clarke as a tea boy.
Jack Halford: It was just a one-off.
Brian Lane: [Brian enters] Well, you wouldn't make it a two-off, would you, son? I'm parched.
Superintendent Sandra Pullman: All right, make it a three-off. Coffee, please.
[Gerry walks in, and spots the tray Clark is holding]
Gerry Standing: Whoa! Chocolate biscuits! Here, get us a cup of tea, son.

[last lines]
[about the possibility of Sandra taking a promotion]
Gerry Standing: She wouldn't, would she? I mean, what's SO-10 got that UCOS hasn't?
Brian Lane: Well, not us for a start.
Gerry Standing: [long pause] Nah, she wouldn't.

"New Tricks: Last Man Standing: Part Two (#12.2)" (2015)
Gerry Standing: Listen, Danny, this is too dangerous; you've got family.
Danny Griffin: So have you.
Gerry Standing: Well, Fiona would kill you if she knew you were involved in this.
Danny Griffin: Actually, she'd kill you. Probably only wound me.

Ted Case: There's always files these... people want to disappear, so I made it my business to copy these files. You know, for a rainy day.
Gerry Standing: Well, it's pissing down now.
Ted Case: Well, there's a lovely umbrella for you.

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: Still got it.

"New Tricks: The Girl Who Lived (#9.4)" (2012)
Gerry Standing: [to Rick Roddy] Listen, dude, I've got a bad headache, and your sound system's not helping it. So!
[grabs Rick by the genitals]
Gerry Standing: I know that your brain's fried with the speed, but I'm telling you it's in a lot better shape than your balls are going to be unless you give us a straight answer. You got me, man?

[last lines]
Steve McAndrew: See you around.
Gerry Standing: Ta-da.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Steve!
Steve McAndrew: Yeah?
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: How long is it exactly since you retired?
Steve McAndrew: Five years; why?

[first lines]
Gerry Standing: Why has Strickland called us in so bleedin' early?
Brian Lane: I know. Esther didn't even have time to do me a proper breakfast.
Gerry Standing: You don't think he's leaving as well, do you?
Brian Lane: I reckon he's found somebody; somebody to replace Jack. Yeah, I knew it. They've got some nobody that we've never heard of and they're just going to parachute him in. Or her.

"New Tricks: Romans Ruined (#11.6)" (2014)
[first lines]
Gerry Standing: Sorry, guv'nor; traffic's a nightmare.
Danny Griffin: We managed.
DCI Sasha Miller: What time did you get in?
Gerry Standing: Eh?
DCI Sasha Miller: Last night, what time?
Gerry Standing: I don't know; one...
Steve McAndrew: Two, or...

Danny Griffin: According to the map, this sand pit was on the site of an ancient Roman camp; Julius Caesar's supposedly. He crossed the Thames at Brentford.
Gerry Standing: Some people'll do anything not to live in South London.

Gerry Standing: Told you. Mad as a box of frogs.

"New Tricks: Casualty (#4.1)" (2007)
[last lines]
Det. Supt. Karen Hardwick: I'm off.
Brian Lane: Where to?
Det. Supt. Karen Hardwick: Malaga. As of ten minutes ago, I'm officially retired. Adiós.
Gerry Standing: Guv'nor, can I have a week off?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: No!

Gerry Standing: [Nyreen is palpating his neck] Um, do you ever work nights?
Nyreen: I'm gay!
Gerry Standing: That's all right, so am I.
[she replaces his surgical collar roughly]
Gerry Standing: Agh! I said gay, not S & M.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: I've got addresses for most of the people involved, but even the hyper-efficient Karen Hardwick can't locate Oyekambi or Freedman. But Oyekambi's Nigerian so there's a good chance she's not even in the country. I'm going to go and see White's widow; I think it's time we let the victim's family know what we're doing.
Gerry Standing: Detective Chief Inspector Karen Hardwick?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Yeah, why? D'you know her?
Gerry Standing: Heh-heh! I know her all right.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: [disgustedly] Ah, Christ! Not another one.
Gerry Standing: No, no, no, no. I worked with her. If we don't crack this case, she will.

"New Tricks: Trust Me (#2.3)" (2005)
[Dave Milner is eating a very fatty breakfast. Gerry looks on in disgust]
Gerry Standing: Have you any idea what that's doing to your arteries?
Dave Milner: I'm more worried about losing one of my balls. How often do you check yours for lumps?
Gerry Standing: 'Scuse me! I didn't buy you breakfast so we could discuss how often you fondle the crown jewels.
Dave Milner: Sandra Pullman... She as hard as they say?
Gerry Standing: Don't you worry about your lumps. One look from her can shrivel your balls from fifty yards. Enjoy your breakfast.

Wilson: [watching Sandra Pullman conduct an interview] Come on. Ask her if she knew Michelle Davis.
Gerry Standing: Why don't you just shut up and listen? You might learn something.
Wilson: You do realize I outrank you.
Gerry Standing: [chuckles] You don't. I'm not in the job any more. But when I was, we had a governor, D.A.C. Bevin. He outranked me. I broke his jaw.

[last lines]
Wilson: Look, what do you say we call a truce, eh? No more practical jokes.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, all right.
Wilson: [laughs] That locker. Very funny.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, I thought so.
Wilson: Yeah. Me too. It wasn't my locker.
[Wilson leaves to join a table]
Barmaid: What can I get you?
Gerry Standing: Oh, um, a glass of... no, um, a bottle of dry white wine, two treble malt whiskeys with lots of ice, a pint of mineral water, and give us four of those big cigars, and bung in some crisps and nuts and stuff. I, I've got a card behind the bar. Wilson.
Barmaid: Do you want any cash back?
Gerry Standing: [looks over at Wilson and waves] Yeah, give us fifty quid.

"New Tricks: Moving Target (#8.5)" (2011)
[last lines]
[Brian, Gerry and Jack were taking part in a psychological study at work]
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: I've um, just had an email from Samantha Gerson's boss at the research centre.
Brian Lane: What's she say?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: They've cancelled your involvement in the OMIWP study.
Brian Lane: Oh no. Why?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: I dunno. It just says "abnormal sample group".
Brian Lane: But I allowed them unrestricted access to my mind.
Gerry Standing: Oooh. I'm not sure the scientific community's ready for that, Brian.
Jack Halford: I'm not sure *any* community is.

[first lines]
Jack Halford: I don't want to be studied!
Gerry Standing: Uh, me neither.
Brian Lane: We're being turned into lab rats; it's degrading.
Brian Lane: Here they come.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Just through here.
Gerry Standing: Well, might not be so bad after all.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Right! This is Brian Lane, Gerry Standing and Jack Halford.
Samantha Gerson: Great to meet you all. My name's Samantha Gerson; I'm a psychologist.
Gerry Standing: Well, you just call me Gerry.
Samantha Gerson: OK, Gerry. Hi.
Brian Lane: Hello.

Samantha Gerson: Are there any things you'd like to ask me?
Gerry Standing: Eh, yeah, what uh, what does 'omip' actually stand for?
Samantha Gerson: Older men In the workplace. With our ageing population, the set-up you have here will one day become the norm.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: [mutters] God help us.

"New Tricks: Roots (#10.9)" (2013)
Gerry Standing: Anyway, what are you doing here?
DCI Sasha Miller: My job. What's your excuse?
Steve McAndrew: Well, it's a full moon.
DCI Sasha Miller: Oh, don't tell me you're werewolves.

Gerry Standing: [about Strickland] What did he say?
Steve McAndrew: What did you say?
DCI Sasha Miller: I said I just let you get on with it and he said well done. And that he *admired* you.
Steve McAndrew: Bloody liar.
DCI Sasha Miller: He's a D.A.C.

Massimo Gentile: Hey! Uh, Come and try this uh home-made wine.
Steve McAndrew: OK. Thanks, Massimo, how are you doing?
Massimo Gentile: Good, good. Go ahead
Steve McAndrew: Oh, thanks. Hey, Gerry, try some of this home-made wine. Give it a crack.
Gerry Standing: Oh, all right.
[both drink]
Gerry Standing: Oh blimey. You make this? You really make this? Right, I'm going to have a couple of those.
Steve McAndrew: Me too.
Gerry Standing: Here, Dan, try this red wine.
Danny Griffin: You know, legally you're not allowed to sell alcohol without a licence.
[he takes a drink]
Danny Griffin: I'll have three.

"New Tricks: Ghosts (#11.4)" (2014)
Gerry Standing: [about questioning a elderly person with dementia] Whoa, whoa, you tread carefully there, guvner.
DCI Sasha Miller: Yeah, I intend to.
Gerry Standing: No, but even a hint of a balls-up, the CPS'd drop this quicker than a whore's drawers on a Friday night.

Steve McAndrew: Look, Gerry, about what I said the other day, uh... I was out of order, OK?
Gerry Standing: Well, at least we agree on something.
Steve McAndrew: It's,i-it's just not the same drinking without you, all right. It's cheaper, granted, but... it's a bit like... Batman without Robin.
Gerry Standing: More like Laurel without Hardy... And I don't expect you needed me on your case.
[long pause]
Steve McAndrew: Pint?
Gerry Standing: I'll grab me coat.

Gerry Standing: Hold on, hold on! Look, we're talking about the fifties here. If you were depressed, you had a swift drink and got on with it. Not like today; you can't move in here without someone sending you to a bleeding counsellor.

"New Tricks: The Sins of the Father (#10.3)" (2013)
Gerry Standing: Hello, Mike.
DCI Michael Fleming: Detective Chief Inspector Fleming to you.
Gerry Standing: Oh, blimey. Well, you know what they say: Those who can do, those who cant,
Gerry Standing, DCI Michael Fleming: End up running the joint.

Gerry Standing: How can something you absolutely know to be true turn out not to be?
Steve McAndrew: "When my love swears that she is made of truth, I do believe her, though I know she lies".
Gerry Standing: Yeah, but that's different.

Gerry Standing: You see, the problem I've got is that I *hate* to get it wrong. Now, I know it's only human. But I really hate it. And I trusted you! I really got it wrong.

"New Tricks: Shadow Show (#6.4)" (2009)
Gerry Standing: [reading] "Don Maddox' current project is intended to have a retro, noirish quality taking us back to the cinematic ambience of the 1940s."
Jack Halford: God help us.
D.A.C. Strickland: When I saw the word 'retro' I thought of UCOS.

Gerry Standing: A black-and-white film about films? Now that's a real J. Arthur Rank.

[last lines]
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: I had Don Maddox down as a total shit. What he did was... well, romantic really.
Gerry Standing: There's no law that says a total shit can't be romantic.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Is that right, Gerry?

"New Tricks: Queen and Country (#9.3)" (2012)
[first lines]
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: So this is where Annabel drowned. December 2008, this lake was covered in two inches of ice, so she must have fallen through it.
Gerry Standing: How deep is it?
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Oh, it's only six foot, but the cold and the shock mean she wouldn't have lasted more than a minute. Three days later, on Christmas Day, there was a thaw, and a jogger spotted her body in the water.
Brian Lane: Jogging on Christmas Day? Who was he, Billy No-Mates?

[last lines]
D.A.C. Robert Strickland: If I may, I'd like to buy you all a drink.
Brian Lane: Oh, thanks very much.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Sandra?
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Yeah, okay,
Gerry Standing: Ah, already booked, I'm afraid.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Okay, see you tomorrow.
Gerry Standing: Ta-da.
[Strickland and Sandra leave]
Brian Lane: Who? Vera?
Gerry Standing: Danny!
Brian Lane: Oh, your cousin.
Gerry Standing: Yeah. I skyped him.
Brian Lane: All the...
[gestures to indicate signing]
Gerry Standing: Yeah, I mean the picture quality wasn't very good, but no, we got on like a house on fire.
[picks up large model plane box]
Gerry Standing: Bought him a present.
Brian Lane: Thought you said he was into trains.
Gerry Standing: No, no, he's into *planes* now. Least I bloody hope that's what he said.

Brian Lane: Drowning doesn't look like drowning.
Gerry Standing: What's that mean?
Brian Lane: Well, 'cause you don't scream and splash about. See, the body's concentrating solely on trying to breathe. Which is why most people drown within metres of another adult who's completely oblivious.

"New Tricks: Things Can Only Get Better (#10.7)" (2013)
Gerry Standing: [examining photo] Blimey, if I had a looker like that in my wallet, I'd want *everyone* to know about it.
Steve McAndrew: Which is exactly why you'd never have a looker like that.

Gerry Standing: Mint me a medal and call me Sherlock.

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: [to Max] Why don't you stick around; we're going for summat to eat.
Steve McAndrew: Yeah, Danny's going to break the padlock on his wallet or face a data protection charge; you don't want to miss that.
Max Clement: Shouldn't mind. Where we going?
Gerry Standing: Bombay Boonah.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Why don't we try somewhere different?
Danny Griffin: Like what?
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: A kebab?
Gerry Standing: Kebab! No! We know what we like and we like what we know. Listen, I doubt if you can get a good Jalfrezi where you come from.
Max Clement: A what?
Gerry Standing: It's a traditional English dish.

"New Tricks: Good Work Rewarded (#1.4)" (2004)
Donald Bevan: Saturday afternoon, acting on a tipoff, Traffic arrested Fred Donaldson for drink driving outside the Wolsey Park Golf Club. After failing a subsequent blood test, Donaldson asked that his 'good friend' ex-detective Gerry Standing be informed so that he could, quote, sort it out. This morning, Donaldson was charged with a series of rapes that took place in the Hammersmith area twelve years ago. The arresting officer was a D.I. Terry Cassidy of the serious crime group, formerly of the pedophile unit.
[to Gerry Standing]
Donald Bevan: You must think you're pretty cute.
Gerry Standing: Not compared to you.
Donald Bevan: This is not how the Metropolitan Police obtains results. Do you understand!
Gerry Standing: Oh, it is a result then. He did do it!
Donald Bevan: You count yourself lucky I'm no longer your governor.
[Bevan leaves, slamming the door]
Gerry Standing: Every single bleeding day!

Det. Inst. John Cassidy: So who's your stalker?
Gerry Standing: Oh, an ex job. Left last year' Diane Loveless.
Det. Inst. John Cassidy: What, old 'fish bum'?

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: You slept with her, didn't you?
Gerry Standing: Yeah.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: You disgust me.
Gerry Standing: We never discussed you at all.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Jack!
Jack Halford: Diane Loveless. She still have that tattoo of a killer whale on her bum?
Brian Lane: I thought it was a shark.

"New Tricks: Fashion Victim (#7.6)" (2010)
[first lines]
Sarah Levene: Mr Standing?
Gerry Standing: Yes, here.
Sarah Levene: Well, you certainly pick your moment, don't you?
Gerry Standing: Well, if it's not a good time...
Sarah Levene: Nononononono no. It's taken eight years to get you here; I'm not letting you out of my sight. Come on, this way.
Gerry Standing: Can I take those?
Sarah Levene: Oh, yeah. Why, thank you. Who said chivalry was dead?

Gerry Standing: Does your missus know you're here? If you want a divorce lawyer I know three to avoid.

[last lines]
Sarah Levene: So you're back to the old look, then?
Gerry Standing: Yeah. I'm retro and proud of it.

"New Tricks: Old Dogs (#3.3)" (2006)
Gerry Standing: Same old story, ain't it! The great British public care more about animals than people.
Jack Halford: That's why it's the Royal Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals and only the National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children.

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: Tell you what, Jack, you've still got those sores on your face.
Jack Halford: Sores? What sores?
Gerry Standing: Very kind of you. I'll have a pint.

"New Tricks: Half Life (#8.9)" (2011)
[first lines]
Gerry Standing: A thousand uniform officers have gone already; it stands to reason there's going to be more redundancies.
Brian Lane: Yeah, you're right.
Jack Halford: You're being paranoid.
Brian Lane: Paranoid? Me?
Gerry Standing: Just because we're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get us.

[last lines]
Brian Lane: To UCOS.
Gerry Standing: UCOS.
Jack Halford: And all who sail in her.
Brian Lane: All who sink in her.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: I've got some news.
Brian Lane: Yeah, we can guess. How long have we got?
Jack Halford: We know you've discussed it with Strickland.
Gerry Standing: We're prepared for the worst.
Brian Lane: Past as new.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Sorry to disappoint you, but Strickland has made some inquiries, and you're not going to get away that easily.
Gerry Standing: What did he say?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: UCOS has not been and never will be destined for closure.
Brian Lane: I knew it. I knew they'd never get rid of us.
Gerry Standing: Well, we've got years of experience between us; that doesn't grow on trees, you know.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: I'm sure that's one of the things they took into consideration, but somehow I don't think it's what clinched it.
Jack Halford: The fact is: we're dirt cheap.

"New Tricks: Wild Justice (#10.10)" (2013)
[last lines]
[Sasha sees the board has been set up for Josh Tyler's murder]
Gerry Standing: Whenever you're ready... guv'nor.

DCI Sasha Miller: The senior investigating officer on the case was...
Danny Griffin: 'Headline' Hennessey.
Gerry Standing: [laughs] May he rest in peace.
Steve McAndrew: You knew him?
Gerry Standing: Oh, everyone did. He was the poster boy for the Met. He got his face in the papers more often than Princess Di.

"New Tricks: Buried Treasure (#4.6)" (2007)
[first lines]
Jack Halford: Do you take sugar?
Gerry Standing: Huh. How long have we worked together?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Right. Do you want the bad news or the bad news?
Jack Halford: What?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Strickland's just told me that he's brought the deadline for the audit forward.
Jack Halford: To when?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Friday, which means we're going to have to start the paperwork right now.
Gerry Standing: They can't do that.
Gerry Standing: Oh, Gerry, I think after last year they can do anything they like.
Jack Halford: Our paperwork was, um... how did Strickland put it?
Gerry Standing: 'A total shambles.'
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Yeah, well, it's not going to be like that this time. The new systems we've put in place should make it easy for us to account for every single penny we've spent in the last twelve months.
Gerry Standing: Well, what about our proper work?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: No new cases until after the audit, I'm afraid.
Gerry Standing: Hmph. I didn't know accountancy was part of our job.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Anyway I've got to get upstairs to my meeting with Strickland, so, please, get started.
[Sandra leaves]
Jack Halford: [groans] What new systems?
Gerry Standing: Buggered if I know.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Right! Cut the crap; what's going on? Jack?
Gerry Standing: We've got a new case.
Jack Halford: Two.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: I turn my back for *one* minute...

"New Tricks: Good Morning Lemmings (#7.5)" (2010)
[first lines]
Brian Lane: [as he keys into computer] Arrived at the major crime unit this morning, ready for action. This is my world. Feels like the calm before the storm. But I know that I'll be kicking down doors before long.
[computer beeps]
Brian Lane: Oh, no. I... Come on, Brian, come on, think, think, think.
[starts keying again]
Brian Lane: On my way in this morning, I played a game that keeps me sharp. Spot the criminal. It's the game I always win. Cop is in my DNA.
[computer beeps again]
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Morning.
Brian Lane: [in a strangled voice] Bry, the bloody, lou...
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: What's the matter, Brian?
Brian Lane: [sighs] I'm struggling to distil what happened to me this morning down into under 140 characters.
Gerry Standing: Characters?
Brian Lane: Yeah, letters and spaces.
Gerry Standing: What are you talking about?
Brian Lane: Twitter.
Gerry Standing: Oh gawd.
Brian Lane: There's a count-down thing tells you how many characters you've got left.
Gerry Standing: Yeah.
Brian Lane: Turns red when you get below ten which is actually quite intimidating.
Jack Halford: Brian! I have been watching you all morning. And I can sum up what you have achieved in six characters. "Sod all"!
Brian Lane: Seven. You forgot the space.

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: I used to do a spot of painting.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Really?
Gerry Standing: Oh, yeah. Mostly landscapes... and nudes.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Don't even go there, Gerry.
[Gerry chuckles]

"New Tricks: Father's Pride (#4.7)" (2007)
Gerry Standing: Now, this really pisses me off. The Old Trout used to be a proper good old-fashioned boozer full of charm and character.
Jack Halford: Full of prostitutes and pimps, as I remember.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, that's what I mean by character. It's still better than cheap lager and wide-screen TVs.

[first lines]
Jack Halford: Talk about Soho Prices! Four pounds fifty for a cheese toast.
Gerry Standing: It's a *panini*!
Jack Halford: Ripoff.

"New Tricks: Loyalties and Royalties (#5.4)" (2008)
[last lines]
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: What are you going to call yourselves, anyway?
D A C Strickland: Well, uh, we were thinking maybe the, uh, The Cop Shop Boys.
Gerry Standing: We can come up with something better than that, can't we? After you've gone.
D A C Strickland: Unh, we could hardly call ourselves The Police, could we?
Gerry Standing: What about, um, Gerry and the Pacemakers? Nah. Hey! AC/PC!
[they laugh]
Gerry Standing: Are you ready, *sir*?
D A C Strickland: I'm born ready, Gerry.
Gerry Standing: And, one, two, three, four...

Gerry Standing: Danny? Danny Jones? Ah, pleased to meet you. Gerry Standing from the Unsolved Crime and Open Case Squad.
Danny Jones: UCOCS
[pronounces it 'you-cocks']
Gerry Standing: Well, no, it's UCOS actually.

"New Tricks: 1984 (#1.3)" (2004)
[the UCOS team is watching a video of unrests at Greenham Common when Gerry, who was at the scene at the time, spots something and has the recording stopped and stepped back to a picture of a young, female demonstrator]
Gerry Standing: [proudly] I had her!

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: Is that 'im? Squirrel Nutkin? It's a dangerous game, sleeping with the enemy.
Sandra Pullman: You stink!
Brian Lane: You do, actually.

"New Tricks: Magic Majestic (#5.6)" (2008)
[first lines]
Gerry Standing: # Doo, doo-doo dooo, doo, doo-doo dooo #
Gerry Standing: [is cut off by another car] Woah!
[coffee spills on him]
Gerry Standing: Aargh! Shit! You bleeding idiot, you could have killed the pair of us!
Guy Carse: You could have killed me, you moron.
Gerry Standing: What is your prob...
Guy Carse: Take your hands off me...
Gerry Standing: Eh!
Guy Carse: -Mr Bleeding Magoo. You don't belong on the road.
Gerry Standing: That's rich coming from you, you little...
[sees wheelchair]
Gerry Standing: Yeah!
Guy Carse: What did you say?
Gerry Standing: It was my right of way!
Guy Carse: Oh, king of the jungle reckons I'm not up to it. Proud of yourself are you, taking the piss out of the handicapped!
Gerry Standing: I'd leave it if I was you.
Guy Carse: Toothless old git!

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: So. Gonna tell me about this hypnotist?
Brian Lane: Gerry, you've heard of a trigger? Well, the hypnotist plants in his subject a particular trigger, something familiar, close to the subject's heart. Hit that trigger, cause a nuclear reaction.
Gerry Standing: And what's my reaction?
Jack Halford: We daren't say.
Gerry Standing: Well, what's my *trigger*?
Brian Lane: Well, I'd give the music of Gerry Rafferty the widest possible berth.
[a new song starts on the jukebox]
Brian Lane, Det Supt Sandra Pullman, Jack Halford: No!

"New Tricks: ID Parade (#1.1)" (2004)
Gerry Standing: [Sandra has taken the blame for Gerry's actions] You didn't have to do that.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Bevan didn't want you in the first place; that would have been the excuse to get rid of you.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, well, thanks a lot.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Don't thank me; he's got a point. You're contradictory, reactionary and ill-disciplined.
Gerry Standing: But?
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: You're occasionally inspired.
Gerry Standing: She thinks I'm occasionally inspired.
Jack Halford: You think she's finished.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Put me in that position again, and I'll have your balls for earrings.
Jack Halford: Now she's finished.

[Gerry is in the opticians. He tries on a pair of half-moon glasses that he thinks make him look like David Dickinson, presenter of the "Bargain Hunt" (2000) antiques programme]
Gerry Standing: David Dickinson?
Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Yeah - but without the "David" or the "inson"

"New Tricks: Love Means Nothing in Tennis (#9.6)" (2012)
[first lines]
Gerry Standing: Oh, well played, Junior. Now give it, give it and go. No, right wing, right wing! Go, go go!
[Ball is kicked into Junior' leg, and he falls]
Gerry Standing: Uh! You all right son? Gerry?
Gerry Junior: I'm okay, Grandad.
Gerry Standing: You sure? Good boy, you're playing well. Keep it up.
Father of Opposing Team Player: Come on, son! Go in hard! The way we spoke about!
Gerry Standing: [mutters] Berk.
Brian Lane: He's a good little player, your grandson.
Gerry Standing: Oh, well played, well played! Ah, nice, very nice! Gets it from his mum.
Brian Lane: Yeah?
Gerry Standing: She was the best player in her school.
Brian Lane: Get away.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, my Paula. Not many. Had trials with West Ham Ladies.
Brian Lane: West Ham?
Gerry Standing: Yeah, they trained two or three times a week.

Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Every time my mother forced me to do something I didn't want to do, I fought against it tooth and nail.
Gerry Standing: Why am I not at all surprised?

"New Tricks: Ice Cream Wars (#3.7)" (2006)
[first lines]
Gerry Standing: There you go.
[places bowls of jellied eel in front of them]
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Oh dear, oh dear.
Brian Lane: We walked all this way for this?
Gerry Standing: Yeah, it's closing down; it's me last chance.
Jack Halford: Can I borrow your glasses, Gerry?
Gerry Standing: Go on, it won't bite!
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: You sure about that?
Gerry Standing: Jack, come on, you're a man of the world.
Jack Halford: [studying the bowl dubiously] It doesn't look like this is of this world. No thank you.
Brian Lane: I don't eat food that wobbles.
Gerry Standing: Well, you don't know what you're missing.
[takes a large bite]
Gerry Standing: Mmm. Mmm. The true taste of Old London; you know, the one being wiped out by Ken and his cronies. I mean, hundreds of years of history and tradition...
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Oh, for God's sake, shut up. Look, I'm eating it.
Brian Lane: Oh pooh, Ernie.

Gerry Standing: There is no way he could have sold two grand's worth of ice cream on that particular day.
Brian Lane: Well, no, 'cause you eat strawberries and cream at Wimbledon.
Gerry Standing: No, not just that. On the third of July, Cliff Richard entertained the centre court because it was *pissing* down. The covers were up and down like a whore's drawers on Friday night while he murdered 'Living Doll'.

"New Tricks: Communal Living (#5.7)" (2008)
[first lines]
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: [on her mobile] I just don't see why it's suddenly landed in my lap.
Jack Halford: Good morning.
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: I'm on my way now, sir. Move, Gerry!
Jack Halford: Good morning.
Gerry Standing: Is it?
Jack Halford: Third time lucky. Good morning, Brian.
[Brian ignores him]
Jack Halford: Ah, sod the lot of you!

Gerry Standing: Question: what was he doing on a hippie commune in the first place?
Brian Lane: How about 'Sex, Drugs and Naked Yoga'? Silly season story from the Daily Star in 2005. Couple of hacks went in undercover to expose free love and psychedelia in Waltham Forest.
Gerry Standing: That explains it, doesn't it? If I'd seen that story when I was eighteen...
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: You'd have been digging out your bell-bottoms and love bead thingies.
Jack Halford: And you wouldn't have told your mother where you were going.

"New Tricks: Old and Cold (#2.4)" (2005)
Chris McConnell: I want to run with this on Sunday.
Gerry Standing: You what?
Chris McConnell: Sunday, I'm running with it, whatever. There's other papers sniffing around.
Gerry Standing: You haven't got any proof.
Chris McConnell: I've got sworn testimony. His word.
Supt. Sandra Pullman: It could all be fantasy.
Chris McConnell: Maybe; I don't think so. You get a feel for these things.
Supt. Sandra Pullman: When Kitty Campbell finds out you're gonna run, she'll injunct.
Chris McConnell: I'll give her a call Saturday night for comment. If she wants to appeal, I've got QCs coming out of my backside.
Gerry Standing: Best place for 'em!

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: That good?
Jayne: Oh my God, that's good! Heaven, just heaven.
Gerry Standing: How about *this*?
Jayne: Mm-hm. Mm, ah, mmf.
Gerry Standing: That hit the spot.
Jayne: Ah!
Gerry Standing: Yes!

"New Tricks: Eyes Down for a Full House (#2.6)" (2005)
Gerry Standing: I'm game as the poacher said when they shot him.

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: Now Stanley left the factory for a bit of the other, right?
Jack Halford: Right.
Gerry Standing: But he forgot his mobile phone. So when he gets to his girlfriend's flat he realizes he can't find it, so he dials the number, like you do when you lose your phone. Now the fire started in the kitchen area, and he'd left the gas on. The phone rings, ignites the gas. Well it's like when you turn on a light bulb. When a mobile phone rings, it *can* spark electricity. That's why you get all these notices telling you not to use 'em near petrol pumps and stuff. So the call sparks the phone; the spark ignites the gas. Well, it's obvious, isn't it?
Supt. Sandra Pullman: You clever boy.
Gerry Standing: Well, thank...
Sylvia Ackerman: [protesting outside] A husband and wife should be together for life.
Brian Lane: Well, seeing as how Stanley's an innocent man shall we give him a break and not put forward Gerry's theory? Let him stop inside.
Jack Halford: Be the humane thing to do.
Gerry Standing: I can't handle that for the next two years.

"New Tricks: Ducking and Diving (#4.3)" (2007)
[Gerry is describing how he used to lust after diver Lotte Haas wearing a swimsuit when he was nine years old]
Gerry Standing: I've always had a thing for older women.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Now there aren't any!

Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: My responsibility is to see that the job is done.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, but that's not why you're doing it, is it? You want to prove something, don't you? That you're top girl; the best, the fastest, the bravest!
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Balls!
Gerry Standing: The very word, and you want some.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: No, no no no. What's pissing you off is the fact that a girlie is doing things you can't do; it's called old-fashioned male chauvinism.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, well, maybe so. But whatever you want to call it, what's *pissing* me off is the fact I have to hang around like a spare part when you might be in danger.
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: Gerry, that's reall...
Gerry Standing: And if you say that's sweet of you, I'll punch your lights out!
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: You and whose army?

"New Tricks: Creative Problem Solving (#2.5)" (2005)
[first lines]
Trainer: So, to sum up: Creative Problem Solving. Techniques that allow us to move forward as individuals, as teams, as an organization.
Gerry Standing: [standing] Right.
Trainer: One last thing before we finish.
[Gerry sighs and sits down]
Trainer: Could you stand up, please. Right.
[holding a large soda bottle]
Trainer: You catch it; you come up with a new use for it. If you get stuck, use the check-list. Don't censor.
Supt. Sandra Pullman: [catches the bottle] Um, cut the bottom off, attach four strings, tie them to a silk canopy: hot air balloon.
Trainer: Great.
[Amanda tosses the bottle to Brian]
Brian Lane: Sterilize, crush, melt and mince a hundred bottles providing fibrous polyester strands which we weave into a fleece.
[tosses the bottle to Gerry]
Gerry Standing: Um... Nah, I'm sorry, me brains gone blank.
Trainer: Relax; use the check-list. You have an idea, Gerry.
Gerry Standing: Huh. No, I haven't.
Trainer: If it's sexual, perfectly normal.
Gerry Standing: No, I'm sorry, sweetheart; nothing.
Trainer: Don't block, Gerry.
Gerry Standing: I'm not.
Trainer: You have the answer.
Gerry Standing: I haven't!
Trainer: What are you holding?
Gerry Standing: Eh?
Trainer: Say it, Gerry!
Gerry Standing: What?
Trainer: What's in your hand?
Gerry Standing: It's a bottle, for Christ's sake!

Gerry Standing: [Gerry has been badly beaten] Cor blimey, I don't remember it hurting this much before.
Supt. Sandra Pullman: Well, that's age dulling the memory.
Gerry Standing: Oh, thanks very much.

"New Tricks: A Face for Radio (#5.3)" (2008)
[first lines]
Jack Halford: [on answering machine] Please leave a message after the tone.
Brian Lane: Jack, it's Brian. Just haven't heard from you for a while. Well, since... Look, give me a call when you get a chance.
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: Hi, Jack, it's Sandra. Call me.
Gerry Standing: You all right, mate? It's Jerry. Look, I wondered if you fancied a pint some time this week. Uh, well, give us a shout if you do, eh.
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: OK, Jack, I know you're upset; I get that. But would it kill you to let us know you're all right? Jack, where are you?

D.A.C. Strickland: I'm interested in anything you have to say about procedure considering how it's been ignored around here.
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: I'm not sure I understand, sir.
D.A.C. Strickland: An illegal mobile phone trace. An even more illegal credit card search. Neither of them fruitful, which suggests to me that Jack Halford doesn't want to be found, which is his prerogative considering he's no longer an employee of the Metropolitan Police.
Brian Lane: Since when?
D.A.C. Strickland: Since he walked out of here without a backward glance. Oh, this is ridiculous; I will not have this department held to ransom. It's time to move on.
Gerry Standing: Quite right, sir. You'll get my resignation in the morning.
Brian Lane: What!
D.A.C. Strickland: Fine. We'll interview for yours and Jack's replacements. Oh, I'm sorry, was this supposed to show me the error of my ways? Prove to me how indispensable Jack really is? Well, let me tell you this: no-one in this department is indispensable. Do I make myself clear?
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: Crystal, sir. So, would you prefer my application for a transfer in writing, or will an email do?
D.A.C. Strickland: Don't be a bloody fool, Sandra.
[Sandra just looks at him]
D.A.C. Strickland: Well, don't expect a reference.
[Strickland leaves]
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: That could have gone better.
Gerry Standing: Well, it was pretty impressive from where I stood. Should buy Jack a bit more time shouldn't it?
Det Supt Sandra Pullman: Hope so.

"New Tricks: Painting on Loan (#1.2)" (2004)
Olive Risk: What do you want?
Gerry Standing: I just wanted to see some of Kieran's art. You know, get some feel of who he was, soak up...
Olive Risk: No, you don't.
Gerry Standing: No. I don't. I think someone tried to hurt him, maybe even kill him. I want to catch them.
Olive Risk: Why? Because you care about Kieran? Because you care about art? Because you, you want to help a mother through her grief?
Gerry Standing: No, none of those. It's what I do. I catch villains. I like catching villains; it makes me feel good.

[first lines]
Gerry Standing: [to car salesman] There you go. Look registered with the Stag Owners Club. British steel. British upholstery. British craftsmanship. It's the last of the great British cars, this. Oh, look, look. Smell that leather. Go on, smell it.
Gerry Standing: [his mobile rings] Morning.
Sandra Pullman: [on phone] Where are you?
Gerry Standing: I'm on my way in now; I won't be long.
Sandra Pullman: What you wearing?
Gerry Standing: Pardon?
Sandra Pullman: What are you wearing?
Gerry Standing: Well, today I'm wearing boxers. Blue cotton. They're quite clingy, too. When I move I can feel them riding...
Sandra Pullman: Have you got a tie?
Gerry Standing: Ooh, you want to tie me up, do you? You want to restrain-
[Sandra ends the call]
Gerry Standing: [to car salesman] Just the boss.

"New Tricks: The Little Brother (#10.4)" (2013)
Steve McAndrew: When you came round, you were mumbling about some book.
Brian Lane: I don't remember.
Gerry Standing: That'd be a first.

Gerry Standing: Why does love make such a mug of some people?
Steve McAndrew: And how many times you been married?

"New Tricks: Bank Robbery (#3.6)" (2006)
Pete MacKintyre: Not so fast, Gerry, I've... me bunions.
Gerry Standing: Bunions! Hnh.
Pete MacKintyre: Here, you've put on a bit of suet, ain't you, Gerry? Your barnet's a bit thinner, mate.
Gerry Standing: Those bunions give you jip, do they?
Pete MacKintyre: Bloody agony.
Gerry Standing: Yeah.
[drops the bag he is carrying onto MacKintyre's foot]
Gerry Standing: Welcome home!

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: That chiropodist do a good job?
Pete MacKintyre: Uh, yeah, thanks for asking. You know, as a matter of fact I feel like I'm walking on air now, Mr Standing.

"New Tricks: The War Against Drugs (#6.1)" (2009)
Gerry Standing: The little what?
Jack Halford: Brothers of Merciful Assistance.
[reading from computer screen]
Jack Halford: The Trinity Clinic. A practical and spiritual answer to the problems of addiction.
Gerry Standing: God help him!
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: I think that's the general idea.

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: Come on, get your gear together. Time to get out of here.
Brian Lane: No. I'm going to stay.
Gerry Standing: Eh?
Brian Lane: I'm going to finish the treatment.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Okay.
Brian Lane: And tell Esther... I want that book back.

"New Tricks: The Last Laugh (#6.6)" (2009)
[first lines]
Gerry Standing: What're we doing here?
Emily Driscoll: It's a surprise. Come on.
Gerry Standing: Oh, all right.
[to doorman]
Gerry Standing: Hiya.
Emily Driscoll: So, what do you think?
Gerry Standing: It's great.
Emily Driscoll: Ah, there they are.
Gerry Standing: You didn't drag them here as well!
Emily Driscoll: Of course! It is your birthday.

Brian Lane: [entering Hanson's estate] In a lifetime of bad ideas, this has got to be your very worst. We shouldn't be here.
Gerry Standing: You think being in his garden is as bad as it's going to get? Let's have a drink.
Brian Lane: Listen, if we go in there now, we're the ones breaking the law. The days of swanning into villains' houses and fronting it out are over, Gerry.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, you're right. I feel thirty years younger. Come on.

"New Tricks: Fresh Starts (#6.3)" (2009)
[first lines]
Gerry Standing: All right, mate, listen. Five minutes, that's all. Your mum'd go mad if you're late for school.

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Of course, I can't make you come.
Gerry Standing: But you'll make our lives a bleeding misery if we don't.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Yeah.

"New Tricks: End of the Line (#8.2)" (2011)
[first lines]
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Last week, Peter Offord, a forty-three-year-old plumber, was arrested on suspicion of a warehouse robbery in Wembley, but his DNA didn't match any found at the scene. However, it did show a link to a man found strangled on a tube train *here* in March ninety-six. Dead man's identity has never been established.
Jack Halford: Until now?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Turns out Peter Offord was that murder victim's son.
Gerry Standing: Yeah? How'd he react to that?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Never knew his dad, apparently; he was brought up alone by his mum.
Gerry Standing: Hmh.
Brian Lane: But I don't understand; if this fellow died on the tube, then surely this is one for the British Transport Police.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Yeah, well, since two thousand two, the Commissioner and the Transport Police Chief Constable confer on such cases, and it's been mutually agreed that UCOS should take this one on.
Gerry Standing: What she means is it's been dumped on us.
Jack Halford: Any scene of crime photos?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Nope.
Jack Halford: List of suspects?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: No scene of crime photos, no list of suspects and we don't even know the victim's name.
Gerry Standing: Well, what happened to him?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: He was strangled face to face.
Gerry Standing: What sort of bloke was he?
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: A vagrant.
Brian Lane: What, a tramp?
Gerry Standing: Oh, great!

Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: [about the unidentified victim] And actually, can we stop referring to him as 'him' or 'the victim'. Let's dignify him with a name or something.
Brian Lane: Tom.
Jack Halford: Dick.
Jack Halford, Gerry Standing, Brian Lane: Harry!
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Harry.

"New Tricks: London Underground (#11.5)" (2014)
[the team are searching a sewer under London]
DCI Sasha Miller: This is amazing.
Gerry Standing: It's a sewer.
DCI Sasha Miller: Oh, come on. How often do you get to come to places like this?
Steve McAndrew: We're cops, Sasha. We spend half our lives knee-deep in shit.

Gerry Standing: So we're looking for a connection between this bloke Straka, drowned on the heath by somebody he picked up there, and a film critic who ends up dead in a sewer twenty years later. Now, with all due respect, guv'ner, there are three seasoned cops here who'll tell you there's bugger all in this.
Steve McAndrew: Yeah.
Danny Griffin: Two!
Gerry Standing: Eh?
Danny Griffin: Two. This seasoned cop has just spotted something interesting.

"New Tricks: Spare Parts (#5.1)" (2008)
Brian Lane: So this is what money buys you in W10.
Gerry Standing: Notting Hill? No, thanks. Some kippers and curtains.
Brian Lane: Eh?
Gerry Standing: Fur coat and no knickers.

Gerry Standing: Why don't you just shut up and give your arse a rest?

"New Tricks: Dark Chocolate (#7.4)" (2010)
[last lines]
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: [finds Gerry smoking a cigar] I bloody knew it.
Gerry Standing: Look, I did try giving up, honestly. Anyway, I never said I was going to stop smoking; I said I was going to stop smoking *cigarettes*.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Your lungs.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, but I felt so ill, honestly, I couldn't bear it.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: [she grabs his cigar and crushes it underfoot] Bear it.

[first lines]
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: [accepting drink from spa attendant] Thank you.
[answering her mobile phone]
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Gerry, what do you want? It's my day off.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, I know. Listen, I'm sorry about that, Guv, but I need your help.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Why, what's happened?
Gerry Standing: No no no, nothing like that. It's just... listen... I'm giving up cigarettes.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Gerry, well done! That's fantastic!
Gerry Standing: And I just wondered whether you'd by my fag buddy.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Your what?
Gerry Standing: Fag buddy. You know, somebody who helps somebody else give up smoking.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Oh, right, yeah, of course. No, I'd love to help.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, but you've got to keep encouraging me, all right? Make sure I don't waver. Make cigarettes history!
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Absolutely. Good man; keep it up.
Gerry Standing: Oh, I will. Yeah, cheers. Bye.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Bye.

"New Tricks: 17 Years of Nothing (#2.8)" (2005)
[first lines]
Jack Halford: Kempton.
Gerry Standing: 2:30,Fat Chance, five pound to win.
Jack Halford: Three to one.
Gerry Standing: 3:30, ten pound, Happy Clappy to win.
Jack Halford: Five to one!
Brian Lane: Morning.
Gerry Standing: Weatherby, three o'clock, Mission Accomplished, twenty quid on the nose.
Jack Halford: It was sixteen to one!
Supt. Sandra Pullman: What are you doing?
Gerry Standing: Gerry's bets! Last week his winnings amounted to...
Brian Lane: One thousand eight hundred and seventy-three pounds.
Supt. Sandra Pullman: Well. Hope you're pleased with yourself.
Gerry Standing: Yes! You see, because of *you* I didn't put any money on 'em. These are the bets I would have made if I was still gambling, but... now I'm reformed, now it plays no part in my life, I can't stop bloody winning.
[Jack and Brian start to laugh]
Supt. Sandra Pullman: Don't read the papers, then.
Gerry Standing: I'm a man; we all read the papers. Backwards, starting with the sporting pages.

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: Mr. Strickland. Um... I seem to remember a little wager we had. Twenty pounds, I think.
D.A.C. Strickland: Yeah, yeah, you'll get it.
[Strickland leaves]
Gerry Standing: Thank you.
Supt. Sandra Pullman: Was that some kind of a *bet*?
Gerry Standing: No! Well, yes, but it was... Look, it didn't have anything to do with...
Jack Halford: Horses.
Gerry Standing: No.
Brian Lane: Or dogs.
Gerry Standing: No.
Supt. Sandra Pullman: Tossers!

"New Tricks: Last Man Standing: Part One (#12.1)" (2015)
Gerry Standing: [about Sasha] What happened to the bloke who took her to Barcelona?
Steve McAndrew: What goes in Barcelona, Gerry, stays in Barcelona.
Danny Griffin: And he did, stay in Barcelona. With a twenty-five year old occupational therapist.
Gerry Standing: Oh dear, oh dear!

[last lines]
Gerry Standing: This has got nothing to do with either of you.
DCI Sasha Miller: Actually, it does; you've got a lot of questions to answer.
Gerry Standing: I'm going home.
DCI Sasha Miller: No, Gerry, you're going to come back to the office with us.
[Gerry ignores her]
DCI Sasha Miller: Gerry. Gerry Standing, I'm arresting you for conspiracy to murder Detective Chief Inspector Martin Ackroyd, You do not have to say anything, but it may harm your defense if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court.

"New Tricks: Body of Evidence (#9.5)" (2012)
[first lines]
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: A couple of weeks ago you were moaning that the workload was too heavy without Jack.
Gerry Standing: Look, we're not saying we don't need someone.
Brian Lane: It's just who that someone is.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: What's wrong with Steve?
Gerry Standing: Na- nothing, nothing. He's a nice bloke; he just needs calming down a bit.
Brian Lane: We didn't get a say in it.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: No, you didn't,
Brian Lane: Well then.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Well then, what? Finding a replacement for Jack was my decision and mine alone, Brian.
Brian Lane: But it's a new member of the family.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: No, it's a new member of the team; he's a good detective, and that's all that matters.

Gerry Standing: Steve, you're in London. We have cuisine.
Steve McAndrew: Hey, it's not all deep-fried Mars bars in Glasgow, you know.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, I know. All Scottish food's based on a dare.

"New Tricks: Home Truths (#1.5)" (2004)
[first lines]
Brian Lane: Morning.
Jack Halford: If Esther's chucked him out, it's your turn to put him up.
Brian Lane: [to Officer carrying banker's box] Yeah, put them there.
[pointing to Gerry's desk]
Gerry Standing: Whoa, no you don't, no no no,
[points toward Jack]
Gerry Standing: down there.
Jack Halford: Uh, desk in the corner, please.
Brian Lane: [as four boxes are piled on the desk] What the! I only wanted the Adamsons.
Police Officer: These are all the Adamsons.
Brian Lane: From '71?
Police Officer: Can't do that, sir. All are kept by surname. It's all the Adamsons or none of them.
Brian Lane: Glad I didn't ask for Joneses.

Brian Lane: After I'd made some enquiries and got nowhere, me superior told me to put it on the index and forget about it. Donna had probably walked out on her husband. Shacked up with another darkie.
P C Clark: Darkie!
Brian Lane: His words, not mine. It's just the way people spoke back then.
Jack Halford: When I started, we were told never to use the word 'black'. The expression was 'coloured'; then race relations came in, and we were told never to use the word 'coloured'.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, 'black' was the new 'black'.
Jack Halford: [chuckling] Yeah.

"New Tricks: Blue Flower (#9.8)" (2012)
[first lines]
Gerry Standing: ...I thought the whole gang were wearing that unif...
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: [entering] Morning!
Steve McAndrew: Morning.
Gerry Standing: Hello, gov'nor.
Steve McAndrew: What have you got there?
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Electricity bills, bank statements, letters, all belonging to different people, and all recovered in a raid on a lock-up.
Steve McAndrew: What were they doing there?
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Serious and Organized were acting on a tip-off and they found a huge heroin stash, but also discovered a whole stockpile of documents. These are just a sample.
Brian Lane: But why pass them on to us?
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Well, several are covered with the fingerprints of a man murdered five years ago.

"New Tricks: A Death in the Family (#9.1)" (2012)
Stephen Fisher: This is a burn bag. At the conclusion of your investigation, everything you've discovered - any notes you've made, documents you've sourced - together with the original copy of Renfield's report, and the various other items in the case file will be placed in here to be incinerated by me.
Jack Halford: Shove it. We don't take orders from you.
D.A.C. Robert Strickland: Jack.
Jack Halford: And we don't take orders from you, either; Sandra does. We're all retired. So you can shove it.
D.A.C. Robert Strickland: Jack, if I decide this is a UCOS case...
D.A.C. Robert Strickland: No, no, Robert. Mr Halford makes a perfectly fair point. Mr Halford, Mr Standing, Mr Lane, you are excused.
Gerry Standing: Fine by me.
Stephen Fisher: If you could just leave behind a cheque for seventeen thousand four hundred and thirty-three pounds, Mr Standing, I'll see it gets to the Inland Revenue.
Gerry Standing: You'll what?
Stephen Fisher: The tax due on your undeclared earnings over the past thirty years.
Gerry Standing: Are you threatening me!
Stephen Fisher: Actually, perhaps it would be best if you all stay after all. We wouldn't want any of our guilty little secrets coming to light, would we? Mr Lane? Mr Halford?
Jack Halford: Bollocks!

"New Tricks: Left Field (#7.3)" (2010)
Anne Gorton: The day's coming when we won't be able to go anywhere, meet anyone, say anything without it being recorded and noted down by those in power. CCTV, internet monitoring, illegal phone taps.
Gerry Standing: But if you haven't done anything wrong, you haven't got anything to worry about.
Anne Gorton: Well, it depends who's deciding what's right or wrong, doesn't it?

"New Tricks: The Chinese Job (#1.0)" (2003)
Gerry Standing: It's er innit woof woof bang bang.

"New Tricks: It Smells of Books (#7.2)" (2010)
[last lines]
Gerry Standing: Well, I'm going for a pint. You going to the library?
Brian Lane: I've had it with libraries.
Gerry Standing: Eh?
Brian Lane: They're full of weirdos.
Gerry Standing: I thought that's why you felt so at home.
Jack Halford: Anyway, they're a thing of the past.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Mm, really?
Brian Lane: [holding up ereader] This is the way forward. Linked to the Internet it allows me to access the world's literary culture from the comfort of my own armchair.
Gerry Standing: Cor, let's have a go. Can you play football manager on it?
Brian Lane: No, you can't, and be careful. I've just downloaded the complete poems of Philip Larkin.
Jack Halford: Now there's a man who spent his life in libraries.
Gerry Standing: Huh. Here's a good quote.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: What's that then?
Gerry Standing: "Books are a load of crap."
Jack Halford: [affected professorial tone] I think you'll find that's an example of Larkin's use of irony.

"New Tricks: The Rock: Part One (#10.1)" (2013)
Detective Superintendent Sandra Pullman: The son of a highly decorated Second World War veteran, Sir Charles Highsmith.
Steve McAndrew: Looks like the apple fell far from the tree, eh.
Gerry Standing: Then it rolled down the hill, stopping off at all the bars, brothels and casinos.

"New Tricks: Wicca Work (#3.5)" (2006)
[first lines]
Gerry Standing: Morning, Jack.
Jack Halford: Gerry.
Gerry Standing: Are you listening to Radio 4?
Jack Halford: Yeah, and of ten reported crimes two and a half get detected, less get convicted!
Gerry Standing: I mean even when you nick 'em bang to rights the CJ'll still find a reason not to prosecute

"New Tricks: Where There's Smoke (#7.7)" (2010)
Stuart Russell: [about being shot years ago] I always thought it was a case of mistaken identity, myself.
Gerry Standing: Seems fairly unlikely given your record. I mean, you were hardly a boy scout, were you?
Stuart Russell: I was, as it happens. Three badges.

"New Tricks: Lady's Pleasure (#3.1)" (2006)
[Gerry wants to go for a drink to celebrate the end of the case, but everyone except Jack is busy]
Gerry Standing: Looks like it's just you and me then?
Jack Halford: As long as you don't try and propose to me.
Gerry Standing: [As they leave] Ooooh, you frisky northern vixen, you.

"New Tricks: Tiger Tiger (#8.10)" (2011)
[first lines]
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: July the twenty-first 2006 at three p.m., Zac Halsey left this ATM and crossed the road before entering the Top Dog video store, which was the last place that he was seen alive. By seven the following morning, this was all that was left of him.
Gerry Standing: Ugh, do you mind? I've just had me breakfast.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: So had Misha, a tiger at Harefield Zoo. Zac was a keeper there and Misha was his favourite, apparently.
Jack Halford: Obviously the feeling wasn't mutual.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Misha ate most of his internal organs, parts of his thighs, his lower abdomen and two of his fingers.
Jack Halford: The female of the species is deadlier than the male.
Gerry Standing: Hmph, tell me about it.

"New Tricks: Meat Is Murder (#6.8)" (2009)
Jack Halford: Excuse me, Lestade and Family.
Sid Lestade: Yeah. Yeah, it's a Huguenot name. They come over from France, stop getting massacred. Unlike Gerry here, used to get massacred every Saturday night.
Barry Lestade: You mention Lestade in the meat trade and everyone knows what you're talking about. It's a name to be proud of.
Sid Lestade: Yeah, except for him, of course. Silly bugger thought it made him sound like an iron hoof.
Gerry Standing: No, I didn't!
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: You changed your name.
Jack Halford: So your real name is Gerard Lestade.
Barry Lestade: Ah, oui.
Gerry Standing: Can you stop all this!
Brian Lane: So deep down you're not cockney at all. You're French.
Gerry Standing: I'm not bleeding French!
Sid Lestade: That's what his old man used to say to wind him up.

"New Tricks: Part of a Whole (#9.9)" (2012)
[first lines]
Gerry Standing: Good morning.
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Morning.
Gerry Standing: What's this all about?
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: Don't ask me. Strickand said eight o'clock; it's eight o'clock.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, but why here?
Steve McAndrew: Dodgy cappuccino and a hot dog?
Gerry Standing: That's not his style.

"New Tricks: The Fourth Man (#7.10)" (2010)
[first lines]
Jack Halford: [Brian is listening at the keyhole to Sandra's office] Morning, Brian.
Brian Lane: [startled] Aaagh. Knock it off, Jack.
Jack Halford: Bit early to be skulking around, isn't it? Who's in there?
Brian Lane: Well, that's the point. I don't know. I got here ten minutes ago and it was already sealed to the outside world.
Jack Halford: [Leaning in to listen] Well, Sandra certainly.
Brian Lane: Strickland?
Jack Halford: Sounds like. There's someone else.
Brian Lane: Yeah, who is that?
Gerry Standing: Morning.
Brian Lane: [Startled. Falls over] Aaagh. Ohhhh.
D.A.C. Strickland: [Opening the door] Brian, are you all right? What's happened? Does he need a doctor?
Det.Supt.Sandra Pullman: He's fine, just nosey.
Gerry Standing: [Helping Brian to his feet] What's going on in there?
Frank Patterson: [appearing around the doorframe] Nurse, they're out of their beds again.
Brian Lane: Oh bloody hell.
[Falls down again]
Brian Lane: Ow. Ohhh.

"New Tricks: Breadcrumbs (#11.9)" (2014)
[last lines]
Danny Griffin: You must be relieved to get back home, eh.
Gerry Standing: Yeah, I will be; yeah, I'm still at Steve's.
Danny Griffin: But you got the message from the gas company?
Gerry Standing: No. What message?
Steve McAndrew: Well, the work's finished; it's safe to return home. I told Steve to pass it on.
Steve McAndrew: Oh, that must've slipped my mind, after... uh, well I, you know, I thought you and me... you know, it's going well. I just thought...
Gerry Standing: It's got nothing to do with you and me. it's all down to my grub.
Steve McAndrew: Well, OK, OK. I was looking forward to your lamb tajine, all right?
Gerry Standing: Were ya? Well, the lamb tajine is staying in the pot. From now on Gerry's caf' is closed.
[Gerry leaves]
Steve McAndrew: Nice work, Danny. Now you've upset the missus.

"New Tricks: A Delicate Touch (#2.1)" (2005)
[last lines]
Gerry Standing: And you! You should have realized that Pendle was a lesbian straight off.
Supt. Sandra Pullman: Why?
Gerry Standing: She had a cat!
Supt. Sandra Pullman: Oh right! All lesbians have cats. I'll write that down.
Jack Halford: File it under Standing: Intuition.
Brian Lane: Is he paid extra for that?
Jack Halford: No. Only me.
Gerry Standing: Hold on. Hold on!
Brian Lane: Does he get more than us?
Supt. Sandra Pullman: No. Only God knows why not.

"New Tricks: Mad Dogs (#5.8)" (2008)
Rod Erskine: I *knew* Eric.
Gerry Standing: You don't mean biblically?
Brian Lane: What, Eric was gay!
Rod Erskine: He was when I finished with him. Sorry.

"New Tricks: Nine Lives (#4.4)" (2007)
Jack Halford: That was Liam. The lab confirmed that the scat sample was from a big cat. He sounded quite excited.
Brian Lane: Of course. They've been trying to prove the existence of the UK Big Cat for years. We've just given them the evidence.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: No, you did. That was an amazing bit of detective work, Brian. Well done.
Brian Lane: Oh, any of you could have put it together.
Gerry Standing: No! We're sane.

"New Tricks: The Gentleman Vanishes (#8.7)" (2011)
[last lines]
Brian Lane: Well, as Gerry says, good luck tracking down Alice Fox.
Gerry Standing: On the other hand, she might be hiding in the pub!
D.A.C. Strickland: Oh. I'll get the first round in.
Brian Lane: Bloody hell!
D.A.C. Strickland: Yeah, well, don't get used to it.
Det. Supt. Sandra Pullman: Don't think there's any danger of that, sir.

"New Tricks: God's Waiting Room (#4.2)" (2007)
Gerry Standing: [as they pull up to Whitemead] There you go; the Bates Motel.
Brian Lane: Just don't take a shower, eh.