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Quotes for
Dr. Rick Dagless M.D. (Character)
from "Garth Marenghi's Darkplace" (2004)

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"Garth Marenghi's Darkplace: Once Upon a Beginning (#1.1)" (2004)
Dr. Rick Dagless: Welcome to Darkplace. I've seen more auspicious starts.
Dr. Liz Asher: I wasn't planning on falling on my fanny, Dr. Rick Dagless. I had a vision. I'm psychic
Dr. Rick Dagless: And I'm Bo Derek.
Dr. Liz Asher: No you're not.
Dr. Rick Dagless: You're right, I'm not. I guess I use sarcasm as a defense.
Dr. Liz Asher: I see the past, the present, and the future.
Dr. Rick Dagless: Tough gig.
Dr. Liz Asher: Stop being sarcastic!
Dr. Rick Dagless: Maybe if everyone who'd ever been close to you had died, you'd be sarcastic, too.

Dr. Rick Dagless: I re-closed the gates of Hell as soon as I could, but Darkplace has never been the same since. And with Larry back, it feels like the gates could reopen any second, and that's the last thing I need.
Dr Lucien Sanchez: You're overworked as it is.
Dr. Rick Dagless: Tell me about it. It'll be a total hassle.

Thornton Reed: What do you suggest, Dag?
Dr. Rick Dagless: Well, we can start by burning what's left of the body.
Dr Lucien Sanchez: Get lost!
Thornton Reed: Cool it, Sanchez, or you'll get a knuckle supper! Look, Dagless, you're an excellent doctor, but you're also a live-wire maverick, who, when he's not bucking the system is biting the hand that feeds, which in your case is this hand. Now I'm not about to tell the immediate family of the deceased that we're going to have to burn what remains of his body in order to close the portal to another dimension. I just won't do it! This hospital's got a reputation which I intend to keep. I've yet to see any demons on the wards, and I'm particularly observant. So go back to your lab and make me a pill that will cure madness, or I'll kick your ass so hard, you'll be able to build a pool in the footprint! Understood?
Dr. Rick Dagless: As crystal. But if the gates of Hell *do* reopen, don't say I didn't specifically warn you, because I just have, and that means you'll be lying.

Dr. Liz Asher: Seems like a regular burial, Rick. Do you really buy this portal to Hell deal?
Dr. Rick Dagless: I wouldn't say I buy it, Liz. Let's just say I'm window shopping, and right now, there's a half-price sale on weird.

Dr. Rick Dagless: The doors of Darkplace were opened. Not the literal doors to the building, most of which were closed, but evil doors, dark doors, doors to the beyond. Doors that were hard to shut because they were abstract and didn't have handles. They were more like portals, really. From this day on, I'd have to fight these forces of darkness . . . and deal with the burden of day-to-day admin.

"Garth Marenghi's Darkplace: The Creeping Moss from the Shores of Shuggoth (#1.6)" (2004)
Dr. Rick Dagless: [talking to mother about hospitalized son] He's a good kid, but you've got to keep him off the smack otherwise this will keep happening. How about you find yourself a husband, get some stability in your life.

Dr Liz Asher: [talking about a patient that has turned green] Apparently she was in for a routine operation to get her toe shortened which was really long like a finger, the next thing she knew this happened. All in all you could say that she's a little off color.
[Thorton, Liz, and Dagless all laugh]
Dr Lucien Sanchez: [shouts] You shut your mouth Liz!
Dr. Rick Dagless: No you shut your mouth Sanch, that was funny. Look, if we lose our sense of humor in this place we might as well all go and kill ourselves.
Dean Learner: Dag's right. After all, the reason I got into medicine in the first place was for the laughs. That and the pussy, and that dried up ten years ago if you pardon the expression.

Dr. Rick Dagless: I'm finding food a real bore at the moment.
Dr Lucien Sanchez: What I do is sometimes get a tin of soup, heat it up, poach an egg in it, serve that with a pork pie sausage roll.
Dr. Rick Dagless: I'll get a Wimpy.

Dr. Rick Dagless: What's this?
Linda: A dreamcatcher
Dr. Rick Dagless: What's a dreamcatcher?
Linda: It's like a wind chime.
Dr. Rick Dagless: Then why didn't you say wind chime?

"Garth Marenghi's Darkplace: Skipper the Eyechild (#1.3)" (2004)
Thornton Reed: Dag! Any thoughts?
Dr. Rick Dagless: I... don't know anything about it. Besides, i think there are more important matters at present.
Thornton Reed: Could you give me an example?
Dr. Rick Dagless: Like hospital *bloody* hygiene, I went into the gents and there was a big pube stuck to the pipe so i had to use the one in 'E' wing.
Dr Lucien Sanchez: [interrupting] It's true! I went there two month-back and there was a piece of shit stuck to the seat!
Dr. Rick Dagless: Well someones gonna have to pick that pube off the pipe and it ain't gonna be me!
Dr Liz Asher: [interrupting] Come on, surely we can talk about something more sanitary!
Dr. Rick Dagless: [immediately interrupting] As if your fanny never graced a pan!
Dr Lucien Sanchez: Whats crawled up your crack?
Dr. Rick Dagless: She has! Shes *so* up herself!
[Liz is immediately upset, make-up running down her face. Sanch interrupts... ]
Dr Lucien Sanchez: You shut your mouth, or so help me god i'll punch your lights out!
[to Liz]
Dr Lucien Sanchez: Dunno what the hell's gotten into him! Come on Liz, i'll help you apply some more make-up.

Dr. Rick Dagless: What I couldn't work out was how he'd managed to make another man pregnant. I guess we'll never know. So, just to restate, that is something we'll never know, you're not going to find out later.

Dr. Rick Dagless: Sanch - if you pass a postbox could you pop this in? It's my pools coupon.

"Garth Marenghi's Darkplace: The Apes of Wrath (#1.4)" (2004)
Dr. Rick Dagless: This place was dark, damn dark. Hence Darkplace.