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: They sit there and use subliminal messages to suck your children's minds out! And I know what I'm talking about because I went to junior college for a semester and I studied psychology so I'm right in there, I know what's going on. And then they sit there and they make your children feel like garbage and you, the father, who's working 24/7 delivering mail so you can make an alimony payment to a woman that slept with everybody at the post office, but me! And then when you get the toy, it breaks and you can't fix it because it's little cheap plastic!
: We get one day a year to prove we're not screw-ups and what do we do? We screw it up.
: I work for the post office so you know I'm not stable! Tell 'em! Howard Langston
: This man is totally insane. Myron Larabee
: Thank you!
: I'll know if you move 'cause I have the ears of a snake!
: Ta-ta, Turtleman!
: How about these stupid letters from kids to Santa at the North Pole: "Dear Santa, Can you send me a bike and a slinky?" No! Your father's been laid off!
: As if I didn't have enough trouble, my son sends me out for some goofy-butt toy. Some fruity robot named Turtle Man. Howard Langston
: It's Turbo Man. My son wants one, too.
: [Myron is tackled
] That's my ball! Rodney King! Rodney King!
: This can't happen. It's just a doll. It's just a stupid little plastic doll. Myron
: Ah ah, that's "action figure".
: Maybe you shouldn't mess with that. Officer Hummel
: Relax, Sparky, I was with the bomb squad for 10 years.
[does various things to find out if it's really a bomb while Howard and Myron run out of the studio
] Officer Hummel
: Gentlemen, we've been duped. This is nothing but a harmless Christmas package.
[he rips open the package
] Myron Larabee
: [the bomb goes off, Howard hesitates with a look of shock, and even Myron looks shocked
] That really was a bomb? This is a sick world we live in! Sick people! Officer
: How many years on the bomb squad?
[Officer Hummel collapses on the floor, charred
: You know what I'd like to do? I'd like to walk into the office, grab one of those guys
[grabs an old lady
] Myron Larabee
: And choke him and choke him until an eye pops out! Er... You shouldn't wear fur.
: [pursuing Jamie and Howard during their act in the parade
] Get outta my way, box!
: [as Howard tries to break into the radio station; he calls the cops
] Yeah, I've got a mad man in my studio and...
[Howard breaks the glass door and charges inside
: HELP ME! Howard Langston
: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen! DJ
: What? Howard Langston
: See, I couldn't get through on the phone. Did I win?
[Howard hugs the DJ
: No, it's not that simple! DJ
: No! Wait, wait!
[Myron comes into the radio room
] Howard Langston
: You're too late! I already got the the right answer! I won! Ha ha! Yeah! Myron Larabee
: I don't need the right answer to win! I got this!
[Myron pulls out a package
] Howard Langston
: Now what's that? Myron Larabee
: This, Mr. Track Star, is a homemade explosive device! Howard Langston
: A bomb? Myron Larabee
: Yes, in layman's terms, a bomb! So back up! Howard Langston
: You built a bomb? Myron Larabee
: No, I didn't build a bomb! Don't you read the news? Hundreds of these things come through the mail every day! I just kept one in case I ever needed it! So give me the doll, or I'll blow up everybody in this place! Howard Langston
: Are you out of your mind? Put this thing away!
: Excuse me, gentlemen, are you two under the impression that I have a Turbo Man doll here in the studio? Howard Langston
: Yes. Myron Larabee
: That's what you said on the radio. DJ
: Oh, no. Myron Larabee
: Yes it is. DJ
: No, no, no! What I actually said was whoever *won* would *get* a doll E-VENTUALLY. See...
: What we have here... is a gift certificate. Howard Langston
, Myron Larabee
: A gift certificate? DJ
: [as Turbo Man
] Myron, you're taking this too far. Myron Larabee
: [as Dementor
] Hey, I'm not going home without that doll! Chain Smoking Booster
: [as Booster
] Hey, buddy, this ain't the way we rehearsed it! Myron Larabee
: You know what? Nobody likes you, Booster.
: I couldn't find the kid a doll. Now, does that make me a bad father? No. But yelling at him for no good reason. Now, that makes me a bad father. Myron
: Look, we get one chance a year to prove we're not screw-ups, and what do we do? We screw it up! Howard Langston
: I remember a few years ago, I really wanted to do something special for Jamie. So, I built him his own clubhouse. It came out great. Oh , well the door was a little crooked, right? The roof didn't sit quite right. But you should have seen his face light up! Ah, when he saw that, he was so excited. We played in that clubhouse the entire day. He even made us Christmas dinner in it. Myron
] No! Howard Langston
: Oh, yeah. I was the hero then. Look at me now. Myron
: You're right. That kid's gonna need some serious therapy, man. Howard Langston
: Oh, don't say that. Myron
: Mmm-hmm. I know what I'm talking about. See, I never forgave my father. I remember one Christmas, I wanted this one special toy. A Johnny 7 OMA gun. You remember those, don't you? Howard Langston
: No. Myron
: I still remember the commercial like it was yesterday. Two kids playing out in the backyard.
[imitating the whole play
: The thing looked like a blast. But, of course for my old man, Christmas was just another opportunity to let me down. I never did get that Johnny 7 OMA. Howard Langston
: Sorry to hear that. Myron
: Ah, it don't mean nothing. Have you ever heard of a guy named Scott Sherman? Howard Langston
: Yeah. The CEO of Sherman Industries. Myron
: Well, he was my old neighbor. And his dad got him a Johnny 7 OMA gun. You know what happened? He became a billionaire. And me, well, I'm just a loser with no future.
: Did you call me buddy? Howard Langston
: Yeah. Myron Larabee
] I am not your buddy! I tried to be your team mate, I wanted to be your friend, but noooooooooo, you had other other plans for Myron Larabee! Howard Langston
: No, I had no plans. Myron Larabee
: You were no different then the rest of those civilians, those common, letter writers who make fun of my knee socks and my safari hat. in the summer!
[the DJ is whimpering
] Myron Larabee
: Are you laughing at me? DJ
: Huh? Oh, no! Lord no! Not at all! Myron Larabee
: Mr. Ponytail Man, I know you, I know your kind. You're the kind that puts the trash can in front of the mailbox so I have to get out of my jeep, don't you? DJ
: No, not true! I recycle! Howard Langston
: Shut up! Myron Larabee
: That's right shut up!
: [to Howard in the radio station
] Don't hit me! I got sickle cell! Don't hit me!
: [Myron is telling all the police officers to put their guns down, he looks at Officer Hummell
] You too, Barnaby Jones!