Janey Harper
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Quotes for
Janey Harper (Character)
from "My Family" (2000)

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"My Family: Pain in the Class (#1.2)" (2000)
Susan: It seems Michael's having a bit of a problem with Jason Hodder.
Ben: Hodder J, the little fat kid who smells like sour milk.
Susan: No, no, that's Keith Burstall. Jason's the one with the itch.
Ben: Ooh. Which end?
Susan: No, that's Lee Matthews. Jason had the head lice. Spread through the school like wildfire.
Ben: Mmh. I know I never thanked him properly for that. What's he spreading now? Cholera? Typhoid? Distemper?
Susan: No, this time it's different. He's been picking on Michael. This morning he didn't want to go to school.
Janey: Who *would* with a disgusting class like that?
Ben: Yeah, I know. School's meant to be unpleasant. You know, to prepare you for life.

Susan: Oh my God, my daughter's a thug. That's no way to behave. Did anyone see you?
Janey: No.
Susan: Good girl.

Ben: What's going to happen to little Mikey when Xena Warrior Princess isn't around anymore?
Janey: Oh, that's sorted. Jason knows if he acts up again the whole school'll find out he was beaten up by a girl.

Susan: Do you want to tell the boys dinner's ready?
Janey: That's right, make me the bringer of bad news.

Ben: Mmm... This is, um... Isn't it? It's really um... It's, what is it?
Susan: Nepalese Lamb Melange.
Janey: You said we were having chicken.
Susan: No, I didn't. I never name a dish until after I've tasted it. Bon appetit.
Ben: Shouldn't that be 'Bonne chance'.

Susan: Me? A control freak? All I care about is the happiness of my children.
Janey: Great! So can I have a tattoo?
Susan: No.
Janey: Dad?
Ben: Only if it says "Daddy's little sunbeam".


"My Family: Parisian Beauty (#2.3)" (2001)
[last lines]
Janey Harper: Merde! Qu'est que tu fous là, crétin! Vous m'emmerdez tous! Vous êtes des salauds et des cochons!
Susan Harper: Well, at least she's improved her French.
Ben Harper: Translation, Michael.
Michael: Believe me, Dad, you don't want to know.

Janey Harper: Ugh! Mum, don't even tell me what it is!
Susan Harper: It's a bouillabaise casserole ragu melange - to make your French exchange friend feel at home.
Janey Harper: Er, she's not a friend. She's my ticket to Paris. So you'd better dump that before you scare her off!

Nick: I've volunteered for a sleep deprivation project from someone at King's. Every day I don't sleep, they pay me £5. If I don't sleep for a year, I'd have made £1,825.
Janey Harper: You know how ridiculous that sounds?
Nick: No. I hear after three nights without sleep, you start seeing giant cockroaches crawling all over you.
Michael: In your room, that happens after three minutes!

Nick: Girl fight! Yeah!
Janey Harper: [Chases Sylvie out of the kitchen]
Nick: Girl chase! Yeah!

Sylvie: Hello, Brian.
Brian: Hi.
Janey Harper: And who do you think you're looking at?
Sylvie: Brian! Il est mignon!
Janey Harper: Er, il est mine, you two-faced tart!


"My Family: Serpent's Tooth (#1.1)" (2000)
Janey: He started telling me a story.
Susan: What kind of story?
Janey: The story about the kitten who didn't floss.
Susan: The kitten who didn't floss?
Ben: Yeah, the kitten who didn't floss and then it ended up with lots of cavities, it's a good story.
Janey: Yeah, it's a children's story. Mel thinks I'm a child so he's just like you, dad. Makes me want to throw up.

Ben: What, no school today?
Janey: No, I've got the dentist.
Ben: Ah, great... What? What do you mean? Hang on a minute, I'm the dentist! I can't remember booking you in, unless the prospect was so awful I screened you out.
Susan: I booked her into another dentist.
Ben: You did what?
Susan: Janey's had an appointment with you for six months now and you keep fobbing her off.
Ben: I do *not* keep fobbing her off, I've been fobbing her forward.
Susan: Fine. But if we wait that long, she'll be able to take her teeth out and post them to you.
Ben: Susan, paying patients come first.
Susan: That's right, your family always comes second.
Ben: Against TV, golf, and football that's not bad going. Where did you find this dentist, on a card in a phone box?
Susan: Yellow pages.
Ben: Oh, yellow pages! Oh, I see. Well they don't take *anyone* in yellow pages.
Janey: Oh calm down, Dad, one dentist is pretty much the same as another.
Ben: [shouting] They most certainly are not!
Janey: No, you're right. Because some dentists aren't rude, grumpy and think an effective painkiller is shouting, "Shut up!"
Ben: It is effective. It makes me feel better.

Michael: [poking his food] What is this?
Susan: Toad in the hole, but we don't have any sausages.
Janey: So it's just hole.
Susan: It's not just hole. It's French. It's toad en vacances.

[first lines]
Susan: Toast. Janey, what have I told you about painting your nails at the table?
Janey: Whatever it was I wasn't listening.
Michael: Mum, where are my football boots?
Susan: Where were they when you last had them?
Michael: On my feet.
Susan: So wise so young, they say, do not live long.
Michael: What?
Susan: I am not your slave.


"My Family: Awkward Phase (#1.7)" (2000)
Janey Harper: I wish I was dead!
Susan: Janey! How can you say that? "I wish I *were* dead." The subjunctive. Boys are more impressed by good grammar than tight jeans, you know.

Janey Harper: What's this?
Susan: It's for Oxfam. We're getting rid of stuff we don't need anymore.
Janey Harper: Oh, do you think they'd take Nick?

Janey Harper: [Picking up an old shirt] Did someone actually wear this?
Susan: Well... it's from the 70s. It was a different time then, when people were hip, wild and...
Janey Harper: Colourblind?

Janey Harper: You know, I can't believe you're letting a 12-year-old out on a date.
Susan: Well, like it or not, he's growing up.
Nick Harper: What? You never let me go out on my own when I was that age!
Susan: Well, maybe we should have.
Ben Harper: Yeah, and changed the locks.


"My Family: Droit de Seigneur Ben (#1.3)" (2000)
Ben: What are you studying?
Janey: French.
Ben: French. Oh, I was good at French. Zut! Not bad, eh? Alors...

Ben: Girls mature very quickly, and boys don't. Mature at all. So they, to make up for this deficiency, develop two brains, a big brain that gives us our reasoning and a little brain that tells us what to do. Am I making myself clear?
Janey: Disgustingly so.
Ben: So, you understand what I'm saying?
Janey: What, what I don't understand is how mum could tell you after I told her not to. This is not your problem, Dad.
Ben: Yes, but you *are* my problem. You see, you've been this bewildering, complex little problem for 16 years, and I don't think I'm going to solve you, my darling.

Susan: Come on, it's just us girls, so tell.
Janey: Nothing to tell.
Susan: All right, OK; I was just curious, you know. I'm here, you're here, no pressure. Whenever you want to talk.
[Susan reads the newspaper]
Susan: Oh for God's sake. The only reason why I had a daughter was to have these intimate moments. Give me something.
Janey: OK, well, what do you want to hear? That dinner was nice, the movie was OK; oh, and he was a great kisser until he wouldn't stop.
Susan: Stop kissing?
Janey: What do you think?
Susan: Oh my God.
Janey: Oh, please mum. It's not an 'oh my God'; it could have been but it wasn't.
Susan: What did you do?
Janey: Well, he didn't understand the word no, so I used international sign language - heel palm to the jaw! We learnt it in PE.
Susan: Good Lord, all we learnt in PE was how to climb a rope.
Janey: What, in case the Vikings attacked?


"My Family: Age of Romance (#2.8)" (2001)
Janey Harper: Again, the poor relation. One gets a computer, the other gets a dinner party, and nothing for the poor little match girl. Perhaps she'll just fade away.
Ben Harper: Hopefully mouth first.

Susan Harper: Do you mind? I'm trying to have a private conversation with your brother.
Janey Harper: I know. That's why I'm listening.

Susan Harper: [Talking to Nick about his older girlfriend] When a sophisticated woman like that goes out with a scre- with a young man like you, she's probably... I don't know how to put this delicately...
Janey Harper: ...just using you for sex.
Nick Harper: I know! It's great, innit?


"My Family: The Last Supper (#2.11)" (2001)
Nick Harper: I'm having the weirdest dream. Dad's kissing a Beatle.
Janey Harper: Couldn't you just say "Good Morning" like a normal person?
Nick Harper: I think it's Ringo.
Janey Harper: Obviously not.
Nick Harper: Think I'll just get back to bed and wake up.
Janey Harper: Earth to idiot, you're not dreaming.
Nick Harper: Oh right. And if I was awake, would I be able to do this?
[jabs fork into arm]
Nick Harper: [long pause] I'm awake, aren't I.

Janey Harper: Michael gets all the attention; Nick, he's just an idiot; Mum and Dad are so wrapped up in all their stuff they never listen to me...
Stephanie: Why are you telling me all this?
Janey Harper: You asked for a statement.

Janey Harper: Uh, Mum, I can't believe it. One dead guy, and all of a sudden you've gone goth.
Susan: Does everything, no matter how awful, come down to fashion?
Janey Harper: Well, yeah.


"My Family: Ding Dong Merrily... (#3.14)" (2002)
Michael: [after finding out Janey's pregnant] How did that happen?
Janey: Do you want me to draw you a diagram?
Michael: I mean, did you get him drunk or something?

Janey: [running to the bathroom] Morning sickness!
Ben: Morning, sweetheart.


"My Family: 'Booked (#11.7)" (2011)
Susan: Paul and I had a relationship years and years ago - right around the time I met your father.
Michael: You mean you had other options? All this time I thought you married Dad because you were desperate. We could have had Paul as our father.
Susan: Michael, you don't even know him.
Michael: It doesn't matter.
Janey: Mum, we're not saying you could have done better.
Michael: I am.

Janey: So, read his message.
Susan: Oh, right.
[Michael and Janey look to the computer]
Susan: Excuse me, you know, this is private.
Janey: Sorry.
Michael: Sorry.
Susan: Thank you.
[they still look anyway]
Janey: [gasping] Oh! He wants to meet up with you!
Michael: Yes! It might not be too late.
Janey: Do it, Mum.
Susan: I'm not going to meet up with him.
Janey: Why not? He's only suggesting coffee, not sleeping together.
Michael: Well, he might be. Scroll down a bit.


"My Family: I Second That Emulsion (#2.7)" (2001)
Janey Harper: I think you're forgetting, Dad, I'm seventeen; I can do what I like.
Michael Harper: Actually, that's not strictly true. You're not allowed to vote, drive a minibus, work in an off-licence, teach scuba-diving or pilot a civil airliner.
Janey Harper: Thanks, Michael. Now run along and count your spots.
Michael Harper: At least my spots are on my face!

[first lines]
Janey Harper: Good morning.
Ben: Well, you're half right. It's morning.


"My Family: ...and I'll Cry If I Want To (#6.1)" (2005)
Susan: I thought we were going to talk about Kenzo's party.
Janey: Mum, why do you always have to control everything?
Susan: I'm so sorry, dear. I didn't mean to. What have you got in mind for Kenzo's party?
Janey: [thinks] Actually, your plan sounds good. Let's go with that.


"My Family: Absent Vixen, Cheeky Monkey (#3.1)" (2002)
Ben: I can't win, can I? No matter what I say or do, someone comes along and spoils things.
Janey Harper: [Walks in] Dad?
Ben: See what I mean?


"My Family: A Handful of Dust (#3.10)" (2002)
[Janey is in the bedroom with Kate while Ben is in the bathroom when he hears a buzzing sound coming from the bedroom and rushes into the bedroom to find Janey using an electric toothbrush]
Janey Harper: What?
Ben: I thought you were using a... your mother's toothbrush.


"My Family: Driving Miss Crazy (#2.6)" (2001)
Ben: I mean, I'm a good driver, I passed my test first time.
Janey: Yeah but that was in the war. They needed all the drivers they could get.


"My Family: Bringing Up Janey (#9.2)" (2009)
Ben Harper: Everything going all right with James, is it?
Janey Harper: Oh, Dad, he's so fascinating!
Ben Harper: [Gleefully] And rich!
Janey Harper: Handsome...
Ben Harper: ...and rich!
Janey Harper: He's really...
Ben Harper: ...rich? So, er, any plans to move in with him?
Janey Harper: Trying to get rid of me, are you?
Ben Harper: No, I don't think of it as losing a daughter. More... gaining a millionaire.


"My Family: Imperfect Strangers (#3.5)" (2002)
Susan Harper: [knocks on door] Janey!
[knocks on door]
Susan Harper: Janey!
Ben Harper: Susan, I honestly think she's all right.
Janey Harper: Bloody hell! What are you doing here?
Ben Harper: See, she's fine.
Susan Harper: We've just come to see how you are.
Janey Harper: Why?
Ben Harper: Your mother was worried about the phone call.
Susan Harper: I thought you were going to... do something stupid.
Janey Harper: God, Mum, I only said I was suicidal. I didn't say I was going to kill myself.
Ben Harper: Suicidal. Is that all? Ah, your mother said you were coming home.
Janey Harper: Well, I'm not. Good-bye.


"My Family: The Last Resort (#1.4)" (2000)
[first lines]
Janey Harper: Dad, I'm just curious. Are you planning to forget again this year?
Ben Harper: Ah. A riddle. I love a riddle. Let's see, the answer is: I don't know what you're talking about so go away.
Janey Harper: Mom's birthday.
Ben Harper: Oh my God, not again.


"My Family: 'Tis Pity She's a Whore (#2.10)" (2001)
Janey Harper: Great-grandma was a tart?
Rebecca: Good heavens, no. She was a *prostitute*.


"My Family: Death and Ben Take a Holiday (#2.5)" (2001)
[first lines]
Janey Harper: [on the telephone] Because if we're going to have any kind of relationship, Brian, I need to know what actually goes on in your head.
Nick: This is going to be a short call.
Janey Harper: No, no, you can't just think about me all the time. Because you can't make a living just thinking about me. Let's focus, OK. What do you think about when you're not thinking about me.
Nick: Chips!
Janey Harper: [flips Nick off] Brian, you can't just think about chips.


"My Family: A Wife Less Ordinary (#5.12)" (2004)
Janey: Abi, can you keep a secret?
Abi: Oh, yeah. I've never told anyone about Michael's vandalism charge.
Michael: [From the other room] Hey!


"My Family: Dentally Unstable (#6.4)" (2006)
Janey Harper: The guy's a total charmer.
Grace: I had a charmer once. You know, every time I tried to finish with him, somehow he'd get me back into bed with those three little words.
Susan Harper: 'Gin and tonic'?


"My Family: Death Takes a Policy (#1.6)" (2000)
Susan Harper: Why is no-one eating?
Janey Harper: The peas look burned.
Susan Harper: But they're not. They're crispy-crunchy. There are many countries where crispy-crunchy peas are a delicacy.
Janey Harper: Name one.
Susan Harper: Zamboni.
Janey Harper: You just made that up
Susan Harper: Prove it! Bon appetit.


"My Family: The Second Greatest Story Ever Told (#3.6)" (2002)
Michael: [Trying to get his ex-girlfriend back] She doesn't even know I'm alive.
Janey Harper: Well, first, you've got to get her to notice you.
Michael: How do you do that?
Janey Harper: Why don't you sleep with her best friend?
Michael: Her best friend is her pony.
Janey Harper: The point is you've got to make her jealous. OK? Just find a girl to pretend she likes you. Or in your case, pay her.


"My Family: One of the Boys (#7.6)" (2007)
Janey: I just want you to know, I found a bank with a very low interest rate.
Ben: Oh really? Can't be any lower than mine.