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: It seems Michael's having a bit of a problem with Jason Hodder. Ben
: Hodder J, the little fat kid who smells like sour milk. Susan
: No, no, that's Keith Burstall. Jason's the one with the itch. Ben
: Ooh. Which end? Susan
: No, that's Lee Matthews. Jason had the head lice. Spread through the school like wildfire. Ben
: Mmh. I know I never thanked him properly for that. What's he spreading now? Cholera? Typhoid? Distemper? Susan
: No, this time it's different. He's been picking on Michael. This morning he didn't want to go to school. Janey
: Who *would* with a disgusting class like that? Ben
: Yeah, I know. School's meant to be unpleasant. You know, to prepare you for life.
: Oh my God, my daughter's a thug. That's no way to behave. Did anyone see you? Janey
: No. Susan
: Good girl.
: What's going to happen to little Mikey when Xena Warrior Princess isn't around anymore? Janey
: Oh, that's sorted. Jason knows if he acts up again the whole school'll find out he was beaten up by a girl.
: Do you want to tell the boys dinner's ready? Janey
: That's right, make me the bringer of bad news.
: Mmm... This is, um... Isn't it? It's really um... It's, what is it? Susan
: Nepalese Lamb Melange. Janey
: You said we were having chicken. Susan
: No, I didn't. I never name a dish until after I've tasted it. Bon appetit. Ben
: Shouldn't that be 'Bonne chance'.
: Me? A control freak? All I care about is the happiness of my children. Janey
: Great! So can I have a tattoo? Susan
: No. Janey
: Dad? Ben
: Only if it says "Daddy's little sunbeam".
] Janey Harper
: Merde! Qu'est que tu fous là, crétin! Vous m'emmerdez tous! Vous êtes des salauds et des cochons! Susan Harper
: Well, at least she's improved her French. Ben Harper
: Translation, Michael. Michael
: Believe me, Dad, you don't want to know.
: Ugh! Mum, don't even tell me what it is! Susan Harper
: It's a bouillabaise casserole ragu melange - to make your French exchange friend feel at home. Janey Harper
: Er, she's not a friend. She's my ticket to Paris. So you'd better dump that before you scare her off!
: I've volunteered for a sleep deprivation project from someone at King's. Every day I don't sleep, they pay me £5. If I don't sleep for a year, I'd have made £1,825. Janey Harper
: You know how ridiculous that sounds? Nick
: No. I hear after three nights without sleep, you start seeing giant cockroaches crawling all over you. Michael
: In your room, that happens after three minutes!
: Girl fight! Yeah! Janey Harper
: [Chases Sylvie out of the kitchen
: Girl chase! Yeah!
: Hello, Brian. Brian
: Hi. Janey Harper
: And who do you think you're looking at? Sylvie
: Brian! Il est mignon! Janey Harper
: Er, il est mine, you two-faced tart!
: He started telling me a story. Susan
: What kind of story? Janey
: The story about the kitten who didn't floss. Susan
: The kitten who didn't floss? Ben
: Yeah, the kitten who didn't floss and then it ended up with lots of cavities, it's a good story. Janey
: Yeah, it's a children's story. Mel thinks I'm a child so he's just like you, dad. Makes me want to throw up.
: What, no school today? Janey
: No, I've got the dentist. Ben
: Ah, great... What? What do you mean? Hang on a minute, I'm the dentist! I can't remember booking you in, unless the prospect was so awful I screened you out. Susan
: I booked her into another dentist. Ben
: You did what? Susan
: Janey's had an appointment with you for six months now and you keep fobbing her off. Ben
: I do *not* keep fobbing her off, I've been fobbing her forward. Susan
: Fine. But if we wait that long, she'll be able to take her teeth out and post them to you. Ben
: Susan, paying patients come first. Susan
: That's right, your family always comes second. Ben
: Against TV, golf, and football that's not bad going. Where did you find this dentist, on a card in a phone box? Susan
: Yellow pages. Ben
: Oh, yellow pages! Oh, I see. Well they don't take *anyone* in yellow pages. Janey
: Oh calm down, Dad, one dentist is pretty much the same as another. Ben
] They most certainly are not! Janey
: No, you're right. Because some dentists aren't rude, grumpy and think an effective painkiller is shouting, "Shut up!" Ben
: It is effective. It makes me feel better.
: [poking his food
] What is this? Susan
: Toad in the hole, but we don't have any sausages. Janey
: So it's just hole. Susan
: It's not just hole. It's French. It's toad en vacances.
: Toast. Janey, what have I told you about painting your nails at the table? Janey
: Whatever it was I wasn't listening. Michael
: Mum, where are my football boots? Susan
: Where were they when you last had them? Michael
: On my feet. Susan
: So wise so young, they say, do not live long. Michael
: What? Susan
: I am not your slave.
: I wish I was dead! Susan
: Janey! How can you say that? "I wish I *were* dead." The subjunctive. Boys are more impressed by good grammar than tight jeans, you know.
: What's this? Susan
: It's for Oxfam. We're getting rid of stuff we don't need anymore. Janey Harper
: Oh, do you think they'd take Nick?
: [Picking up an old shirt
] Did someone actually wear this? Susan
: Well... it's from the 70s. It was a different time then, when people were hip, wild and... Janey Harper
: You know, I can't believe you're letting a 12-year-old out on a date. Susan
: Well, like it or not, he's growing up. Nick Harper
: What? You never let me go out on my own when I was that age! Susan
: Well, maybe we should have. Ben Harper
: Yeah, and changed the locks.
: What are you studying? Janey
: French. Ben
: French. Oh, I was good at French. Zut! Not bad, eh? Alors...
: Girls mature very quickly, and boys don't. Mature at all. So they, to make up for this deficiency, develop two brains, a big brain that gives us our reasoning and a little brain that tells us what to do. Am I making myself clear? Janey
: Disgustingly so. Ben
: So, you understand what I'm saying? Janey
: What, what I don't understand is how mum could tell you after I told her not to. This is not your problem, Dad. Ben
: Yes, but you *are* my problem. You see, you've been this bewildering, complex little problem for 16 years, and I don't think I'm going to solve you, my darling.
: Come on, it's just us girls, so tell. Janey
: Nothing to tell. Susan
: All right, OK; I was just curious, you know. I'm here, you're here, no pressure. Whenever you want to talk.
[Susan reads the newspaper
: Oh for God's sake. The only reason why I had a daughter was to have these intimate moments. Give me something. Janey
: OK, well, what do you want to hear? That dinner was nice, the movie was OK; oh, and he was a great kisser until he wouldn't stop. Susan
: Stop kissing? Janey
: What do you think? Susan
: Oh my God. Janey
: Oh, please mum. It's not an 'oh my God'; it could have been but it wasn't. Susan
: What did you do? Janey
: Well, he didn't understand the word no, so I used international sign language - heel palm to the jaw! We learnt it in PE. Susan
: Good Lord, all we learnt in PE was how to climb a rope. Janey
: What, in case the Vikings attacked?
: Again, the poor relation. One gets a computer, the other gets a dinner party, and nothing for the poor little match girl. Perhaps she'll just fade away. Ben Harper
: Hopefully mouth first.
: Do you mind? I'm trying to have a private conversation with your brother. Janey Harper
: I know. That's why I'm listening.
: [Talking to Nick about his older girlfriend
] When a sophisticated woman like that goes out with a scre- with a young man like you, she's probably... I don't know how to put this delicately... Janey Harper
: ...just using you for sex. Nick Harper
: I know! It's great, innit?
: I'm having the weirdest dream. Dad's kissing a Beatle. Janey Harper
: Couldn't you just say "Good Morning" like a normal person? Nick Harper
: I think it's Ringo. Janey Harper
: Obviously not. Nick Harper
: Think I'll just get back to bed and wake up. Janey Harper
: Earth to idiot, you're not dreaming. Nick Harper
: Oh right. And if I was awake, would I be able to do this?
[jabs fork into arm
] Nick Harper
: [long pause
] I'm awake, aren't I.
: Michael gets all the attention; Nick, he's just an idiot; Mum and Dad are so wrapped up in all their stuff they never listen to me... Stephanie
: Why are you telling me all this? Janey Harper
: You asked for a statement.
: Uh, Mum, I can't believe it. One dead guy, and all of a sudden you've gone goth. Susan
: Does everything, no matter how awful, come down to fashion? Janey Harper
: Well, yeah.
: [after finding out Janey's pregnant
] How did that happen? Janey
: Do you want me to draw you a diagram? Michael
: I mean, did you get him drunk or something?
: [running to the bathroom
] Morning sickness! Ben
: Morning, sweetheart.
: Paul and I had a relationship years and years ago - right around the time I met your father. Michael
: You mean you had other options? All this time I thought you married Dad because you were desperate. We could have had Paul as our father. Susan
: Michael, you don't even know him. Michael
: It doesn't matter. Janey
: Mum, we're not saying you could have done better. Michael
: I am.
: So, read his message. Susan
: Oh, right.
[Michael and Janey look to the computer
: Excuse me, you know, this is private. Janey
: Sorry. Michael
: Sorry. Susan
: Thank you.
[they still look anyway
] Oh! He wants to meet up with you! Michael
: Yes! It might not be too late. Janey
: Do it, Mum. Susan
: I'm not going to meet up with him. Janey
: Why not? He's only suggesting coffee, not sleeping together. Michael
: Well, he might be. Scroll down a bit.
: I think you're forgetting, Dad, I'm seventeen; I can do what I like. Michael Harper
: Actually, that's not strictly true. You're not allowed to vote, drive a minibus, work in an off-licence, teach scuba-diving or pilot a civil airliner. Janey Harper
: Thanks, Michael. Now run along and count your spots. Michael Harper
: At least my spots are on my face!
] Janey Harper
: Good morning. Ben
: Well, you're half right. It's morning.
: I thought we were going to talk about Kenzo's party. Janey
: Mum, why do you always have to control everything? Susan
: I'm so sorry, dear. I didn't mean to. What have you got in mind for Kenzo's party? Janey
] Actually, your plan sounds good. Let's go with that.
: I can't win, can I? No matter what I say or do, someone comes along and spoils things. Janey Harper
: [Walks in
] Dad? Ben
: See what I mean?
[Janey is in the bedroom with Kate while Ben is in the bathroom when he hears a buzzing sound coming from the bedroom and rushes into the bedroom to find Janey using an electric toothbrush
] Janey Harper
: What? Ben
: I thought you were using a... your mother's toothbrush.
: I mean, I'm a good driver, I passed my test first time. Janey
: Yeah but that was in the war. They needed all the drivers they could get.
: Everything going all right with James, is it? Janey Harper
: Oh, Dad, he's so fascinating! Ben Harper
] And rich! Janey Harper
: Handsome... Ben Harper
: ...and rich! Janey Harper
: He's really... Ben Harper
: ...rich? So, er, any plans to move in with him? Janey Harper
: Trying to get rid of me, are you? Ben Harper
: No, I don't think of it as losing a daughter. More... gaining a millionaire.
: [knocks on door
[knocks on door
] Susan Harper
: Janey! Ben Harper
: Susan, I honestly think she's all right. Janey Harper
: Bloody hell! What are you doing here? Ben Harper
: See, she's fine. Susan Harper
: We've just come to see how you are. Janey Harper
: Why? Ben Harper
: Your mother was worried about the phone call. Susan Harper
: I thought you were going to... do something stupid. Janey Harper
: God, Mum, I only said I was suicidal. I didn't say I was going to kill myself. Ben Harper
: Suicidal. Is that all? Ah, your mother said you were coming home. Janey Harper
: Well, I'm not. Good-bye.
] Janey Harper
: Dad, I'm just curious. Are you planning to forget again this year? Ben Harper
: Ah. A riddle. I love a riddle. Let's see, the answer is: I don't know what you're talking about so go away. Janey Harper
: Mom's birthday. Ben Harper
: Oh my God, not again.
: Great-grandma was a tart? Rebecca
: Good heavens, no. She was a *prostitute*.
] Janey Harper
: [on the telephone
] Because if we're going to have any kind of relationship, Brian, I need to know what actually goes on in your head. Nick
: This is going to be a short call. Janey Harper
: No, no, you can't just think about me all the time. Because you can't make a living just thinking about me. Let's focus, OK. What do you think about when you're not thinking about me. Nick
: Chips! Janey Harper
: [flips Nick off
] Brian, you can't just think about chips.
: Abi, can you keep a secret? Abi
: Oh, yeah. I've never told anyone about Michael's vandalism charge. Michael
: [From the other room
: The guy's a total charmer. Grace
: I had a charmer once. You know, every time I tried to finish with him, somehow he'd get me back into bed with those three little words. Susan Harper
: 'Gin and tonic'?
: Why is no-one eating? Janey Harper
: The peas look burned. Susan Harper
: But they're not. They're crispy-crunchy. There are many countries where crispy-crunchy peas are a delicacy. Janey Harper
: Name one. Susan Harper
: Zamboni. Janey Harper
: You just made that up Susan Harper
: Prove it! Bon appetit.
: [Trying to get his ex-girlfriend back
] She doesn't even know I'm alive. Janey Harper
: Well, first, you've got to get her to notice you. Michael
: How do you do that? Janey Harper
: Why don't you sleep with her best friend? Michael
: Her best friend is her pony. Janey Harper
: The point is you've got to make her jealous. OK? Just find a girl to pretend she likes you. Or in your case, pay her.
: I just want you to know, I found a bank with a very low interest rate. Ben
: Oh really? Can't be any lower than mine.