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Quotes for
Blanche Morton (Character)
from "The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show" (1950)

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"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Uranium Caper (#5.34)" (1955)
Blanche Morton: When I think of my husband going out with Mr. Von Zell, prospecting for uranium, I can't believe it!
Gracie Allen: Well, you ought to believe it by now. They've been gone for over two days.

Blanche Morton: [Harry Morton and Harry Von Zell are prospecting for uranium] You know, when he told me he was going to camp out in the desert with Mr. Von Zell, I told him he was crazy!
Gracie Allen: Well, Harry Von Zell is a little peculiar, but you shouldn't say that about him... Although he says the same thing about your husband.
Blanche Morton: Oh no, no, no, honey, I meant MY Harry was the one who was crazy.
Gracie Allen: Oh. Well, if you and Harry Von Zell both think so, then it must be true.

Gracie Allen: He's pulled things like this before. For instance, take my birthday - signing a check and telling me to buy anything I want! Naturally, I had to tear it up!
Blanche Morton: Why?
Gracie Allen: Why? Well, he signed the check but he didn't fill in the amount, that's why.

Blanche Morton: [to George] Why you ought to be ashamed of yourself, taking advantage of your neighbors and your friends! Why that's downright dishonest.
Gracie Allen: Now wait a minute, Blanche. You can't come over here and say a thing like that to George! How would you like it if I came over to your house and said things like that about my husband?
George Burns: Thank you, dear.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Gets a Business Manager (#4.6)" (1953)
Harry Morton: I bet if Gracie were married to a man like me, she wouldn't do anything silly.
Blanche Morton: Well honey, after she married you, nothing she did would seem silly!

Blanche Morton: I just remembered, I have a cake burning in the oven.
[Blanche runs home]
Gracie Allen: Well, what's she so excited about? That's where I burn mine too.

Blanche Morton: Harry, you remember I told you that a man cut our grass this morning? Well, he's over at Gracie's now, and she thinks he's Mr. Graham, the business manager.
Harry Morton: After the man has been there a while, he'll believe it himself.

Harry Morton: I'm a patient man but this is too much to ask.
Blanche Morton: I don't know about you being a man but if you don't do this for me you'll be a patient!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Perry & Pete/Gracie's Cousins/Sneak Thieves (#3.35)" (1953)
Blanche Morton: Harry, I think it's very nice of George to let them stay there. It's more than you would do.
Harry Morton: Blanche, what did you have in mind?
Blanche Morton: Well, I thought it would be nice if my brother came down.
Harry Morton: With what?

Blanche Morton: You're just mad at my brother because you had to pay a dental bill for him once. It was only eighty dollars. Besides, anybody could have trouble with his teeth.
Harry Morton: Well he wouldn't if he'd learn to open beer bottles with an opener!

Blanche Morton: You just don't like anybody in my family. Take my mother, she was here for a whole month and you didn't say one single word to her!
Harry Morton: I didn't want to interrupt her.

Blanche Morton: Don't know why I had to marry you.
Harry Morton: I know why. You wanted a handsome, intelligent man who was gonna amount to something.
Blanche Morton: I know, but answer my question. Why did I marry you?

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: George Goes Skiing (#6.16)" (1956)
Blanche Morton: I think it's wonderful the way you and Jim share things together.
Mr. Boardman: Yes, I've always believed in a strong father and son relationship.
Gracie Allen: Oh, so have I! In fact, if a son and father weren't related to each other, they wouldn't even be in the same family!

Blanche Morton: Anyhow, I admire what you've done with Jim.
Mr. Boardman: Well, I felt it was my duty to share his experiences. Of course, I wasn't always able to keep him out of mischief. You know, boys will be boys.
Gracie Allen: Well, when they're young it's the nicest thing they could be.

Mr. Boardman: When he joined the Boy Scouts, I became Scoutmaster to the troupe in which he belonged. Oh, I shared many happy moments with Jim and the other lads.
Gracie Allen: Oh, it must have been fun!
Mr. Boardman: Yes, it was. I taught them how to build campfires, how to boil meat on a stick and how to bake potatoes in their skins.
Gracie Allen: I hope it was a big campfire.
Mr. Boardman: Why?
Gracie Allen: Well, otherwise the boys might have caught cold, sitting around with nothing on, waiting for the meat and potatoes to be cooked.
Mr. Boardman: No, I meant they were in their jackets.
Gracie Allen: Well, they could have caught cold from here down too, you know!
Blanche Morton: Oh no, no, honey, the baked potatoes were in their jackets.
Gracie Allen: Well, alright, that kept their jackets warm, but from here down they were still in trouble!
Mr. Boardman: Mrs. Burns, the jackets were on the potatoes.
Gracie Allen: Oh. Then the boys were cold from here up too. What kind of a Scoutmaster were you?

Blanche Morton: Mr. Boardman's a wonderful father! Gee, George should be more like him. He should do more things with his son and be closer to him.
Gracie Allen: Why should George do things with Mr. Boardman's son? He's got a son of his own to be close to!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Home Graduation (#7.38)" (1957)
Harry Morton: What is this I'm attempting to eat?
Blanche Morton: That's a breaded Viennese cutlet, I got it out of the cookbook.
Harry Morton: You forgot to remove the cover!

Blanche Morton: You and your constant complaints. What happened to the warm, kind, romantic man I married?
Harry Morton: Practically everything!

Gracie Allen: I know I've got a wonderful idea but I can't think of it.
Blanche Morton: Well, maybe I can help you think of something. You know what they say, "Two heads are better than one."
Harry Morton: In this particular case, I don't believe they are even the equivalent of one.
Blanche Morton: Well, why don't you help us? With four heads we can't miss.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Publicity Marriage (#8.27)" (1958)
Blanche Morton: Been doing some baking, huh?
Gracie Allen: Mmm-hmm, macaroons. Have one.
Blanche Morton: Oh, I don't know. I'm afraid of what it'll do to my shape.
Gracie Allen: Oh Blanche, how could a cookie possibly change your shape? They're both round, so it'd be a perfect fit!

Blanche Morton: That's a brilliant idea but I don't think it'll work.
Gracie Allen: Oh Blanche, you're my very best friend, so as long as you think it's a brilliant idea and if it doesn't work I'll give you credit for it.

Harry Morton: Young Ronald has married this Texas female Bonnie Sue.
Blanche Morton: Oh, I can explain that. Sit down and have your beef stew.
Harry Morton: What a horrible thing!
Blanche Morton: What's wrong with two kids getting married?
Harry Morton: I was referring to the beef stew. What a day! This culinary atrocity on top of young Ronald's marriage.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Happy Hmm Hmm (#1.8)" (1951)
Blanche Morton: I wondered if you wanted to go to The May Company with me. They're having a January linen sale.
Gracie Allen: Oh no, I don't want any. When I buy linen, I want it to last longer than that.

Blanche Morton: Say honey, do you mind if I ask you how old George is?
Gracie Allen: No, go right ahead.
Blanche Morton: Well, how old is he?
Gracie Allen: I don't know.
Blanche Morton: You don't know his age?
Gracie Allen: Well, how could I? He keeps changing every year!
Blanche Morton: Oh but, honey, everybody's age changes.
Gracie Allen: Yeah, and it's so confusing! People should do what I do. When you get to the age that's most becoming, stay there!

Blanche Morton: [Gracie can't remember why she circled a day on the calendar] Maybe you've got a date with the dentist.
Gracie Allen: Oh, Blanche! George wouldn't let me go out with him, he's a married man!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Gets an Extension Visa for Jeanette Duval (#5.37)" (1955)
Jean Parnell: I've been an exchange teacher here for almost a year, but I guess I can't hide my Canadian ancestry.
Blanche Morton: Oh, that must be very interesting! How does this exchange business work?
Jean Parnell: It's a very good plan. While I'm here teaching French to American students, one of your teachers is up taking my place with my French-Canadian children.
Gracie Allen: Well, that sounds like a nice change for your French-Canadian children, but how does your wife like it?
Jean Parnell: What?
Gracie Allen: Well, just when your family gets used to this other man, why, you'll be back!

Blanche Morton: What's wrong with my figure?
Harry Morton: I don't want to give you a hasty answer, Blanche. May I have an hour to assemble my notes?

Blanche Morton: Do you remember the quarrel we got into before we were married?
Harry Morton: Mmm-hmm. When will it ever end?

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Jack Benny Steals George's Joke (#2.16)" (1952)
Harry Morton: Blanche, when I woke up this morning there was twenty dollars missing from my pocket. I'm sure the maid took it.
Blanche Morton: We don't have a maid.
Harry Morton: I know.

[Blanche calls out to Gracie from the living room]
Blanche Morton: How is everything up in San Francisco?
Gracie Allen: Oh, I'm not up in San Francisco, I'm up in the bedroom.

Gracie Allen: George and Jack Benny had a terrible fight.
Blanche Morton: George and Jack Benny, after all these years?
Gracie Allen: Yeah, isn't it awful? And they're not even talking.
Blanche Morton: Oh, I just can't believe it. Why, I thought they were closer than Damon and Pythias!
Gracie Allen: Damon and Pythias? Are they as close as Minneapolis and St. Paul?
Blanche Morton: No, no, honey, they're in mythology.
Gracie Allen: Oh, Blanche! They're in Minnesota!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Burnses and Mortons Going to Hawaii (#5.40)" (1955)
Blanche Morton: I'll never learn that dance!
Gracie Allen: Oh, of course you will. The Hula is nothing but swaying and shaking and wiggling in a lot of different places at the same time. Now, I've watched you walk and you look like you've got most of it down pat!

Blanche Morton: He spent a fortune on his foreign stamp collection but when I needed a new fall wardrobe, did he get it for me? No! I was down to the point where I didn't have a stitch on my back, and he went out and bought a bunch of foreign stamps!
Gracie Allen: Oh well, he must be out of his mind! Granted, you can stick those on you, but how do you get 'em off if you want to slip into something more comfortable?

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Stolen Car (#8.15)" (1958)
Blanche Morton: I'm sorry to bring our troubles over to your house, Gracie.
Gracie Allen: Well, that's alright, Blanche. You know, it's a good idea for a husband and wife to do all their quarreling somewhere else, it keeps their own home nice and happy.

Blanche Morton: Gracie, do you think it's right for us to keep putting these things over on our husbands?
Gracie Allen: Well, always remember, Blanche, it's the battle between two different ways of life. Men and women.
Blanche Morton: A battle of the sexes.
Gracie Allen: Sex has nothing to do with it. We have to use tricks because who gets pushed around?
Blanche Morton: Right! And who has to beg for money?
Gracie Allen: Right! And who has to do all the work?
Blanche Morton: Right! And who has to take all the orders?
Gracie Allen: Right! So if we didn't use trickery, they'd have us doing these things!
Blanche Morton: Ri...

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Beverly Hills Uplift Society (#2.2)" (1951)
Blanche Morton: I'll fix lunch for the girls while you're gone.
Gracie Allen: Blanche, how about some sandwiches and maybe a salad?
Blanche Morton: Alright. But you know, half the girls are on a diet. Do you think I ought to make it without dressing?
Gracie Allen: Well, as long as you're alone and pull down the shade, whose business is it?

Blanche Morton: That reminds me of something cute Gracie said. You know, she went to the Carnation farm, and she said that all of their cows are especially equipped to fill four cans at one time!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Japanese Texan (#8.20)" (1958)
Gracie Allen: I'll make George do it.
Blanche Morton: Well, what if he says no?
Gracie Allen: Look, that might stop me but I'm sure you'll never take no for an answer.

Blanche Morton: Gracie, you're giving a dinner party tonight to celebrate your tenth?
Gracie Allen: Yeah.
Blanche Morton: Your tenth what?
Gracie Allen: Blanche, one thing at a time. Look, I thought of the number and I'm sure when the time comes I'll be able to think of something to go with it.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie's Engagement Ring (#2.13)" (1952)
Harry Morton: What are you looking for?
Blanche Morton: Gracie's diamond ring is missing.
Harry Morton: That isn't all of Gracie's that's missing.

[Harry raids the Burns' refrigerator]
Blanche Morton: Harry, did it ever occur to you that Gracie might be planning to serve those cold cuts for dinner?
Harry Morton: Don't be silly, she's got a big ham.
Blanche Morton: I know, that's who she's planning to serve them to.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Ronnie's Initiation (#7.8)" (1956)
Harry Morton: California is the garden spot of the nation, rich in industry, teeming with natural resources and blessed with the diversity of climate and scenery unsurpassed throughout the nation. Left as it is beside the blue waters...
Blanche Morton: Will the distinguished Representative from California yield long enough to eat his eggs?
Harry Morton: Do forgive me. When I'm on the subject of California, I get carried away.
Mrs. Millicent Sohmers: But not far enough.

Blanche Morton: By the way, Harry, Mrs. Sohmers and I'll need the car today to go house hunting.
Harry Morton: Well, I'm sure you'll find many charming places here in Beverly Hills.
Mrs. Millicent Sohmers: Yes, I'm going to locate in Pasadena.
Blanche Morton: By the way, Mrs. Sohmers, how come you decided on Pasadena instead of Beverly Hills?
Mrs. Millicent Sohmers: Well, there's nothing wrong with Beverly Hills. If I had lived next door to her as long as you have, I'd get used to it too, but I haven't and I'm too old to start.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Too Many Fathers (#8.18)" (1958)
Harry Morton: Blanche, this is no time for amorous dalliance.
Blanche Morton: When is the time?
Harry Morton: In the far distant past.

Blanche Morton: Don't you remember when I used to sit on your lap and snuggle? You were once romantic!
Harry Morton: You were once twenty pounds lighter!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Ronnie's Elopement (#6.11)" (1955)
Gracie Allen: [Blanche and Gracie look at dinner menus] Everything looks so good. Blanche, what are you gonna have?
Blanche Morton: I don't know. I think I'll have just what you have.
Gracie Allen: Oh, wonderful, I'll have the same thing.

Blanche Morton: Peter, what would you recommend?
Peter the Waiter: That couple over there just had some lobsters.
Blanche Morton: Oh, lobsters.
Peter the Waiter: They're here from Baltimore, they're here to see the sights.
Gracie Allen: Oh. Well, if they're here to see the sights, it would spoil their fun if we ate them.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Rumba Lessons (#1.7)" (1950)
Blanche Morton: [returning home from the beauty parlor] My operator's a very clever girl. I wouldn't let *anybody* else touch my hair. In fact, you know what she told me today? Women are going to wear their hair longer.
Gracie Allen: Oh, well, that's ridiculous. I'm *already* wearing my hair twenty-four hours a day.

Gracie Allen: You know, one night George came to visit me, and he brought me a bag of jellybeans, and we were sitting on the sofa and my mother came in and turned out all the lights, and...
Blanche Morton: Your MOTHER turned out the lights?
Gracie Allen: Yeah, she couldn't stand to look at George.
Blanche Morton: Oh. Well, I'll bet George didn't waste any time when the lights were out.
Gracie Allen: Oh, I'll say he didn't! He ate all the black jellybeans!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Anniversary Party (#6.9)" (1955)
Blanche Morton: Harry Morton, the day I married you was the worst day of my life!
Harry Morton: I can't choose mine. Since we wed they've all been equally bitter.

Blanche Morton: [Harry is busy with paperwork] Harry, this is the traveling clock I got for George and Gracie for their anniversary. Isn't it pretty the way I wrapped it?
Harry Morton: Yes, dear.
Blanche Morton: Gee, I hope they like it. You know, they have so much, I never know what to get them. Can you think of anything else?
Harry Morton: Yes, dear.
Blanche Morton: Oh, what would you suggest?
Harry Morton: Yes, dear.
Blanche Morton: Harry, is it alright if I pack my clothes and run away with the elevator boy?
Harry Morton: Yes, dear.
Blanche Morton: Maybe he IS listening. Harry, is it alright if I draw all your money out of the bank before I leave?
Harry Morton: Yes, dear.
Blanche Morton: No, he's not listening.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Burnses and Mortons Choosing Movie to Attend (#4.37)" (1954)
Blanche Morton: If there's one thing I love it's a man with a dry sense of humor. It's too bad yours is all wet.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The African Hunter (#8.7)" (1957)
Blanche Morton: Honey, look, the best way to handle George is tell him the truth.
Gracie Allen: Oh! Now I see why you and Harry have so many fights.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Blanche and Brother Roger Move in with the Burnses (#5.35)" (1955)
Blanche Morton: You don't realize how terrible it is to have a husband who despises all your relatives.
Gracie Allen: Yes, I know I'm lucky. Now, with my husband it's just the opposite.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Ronnie's Bashful (#7.9)" (1956)
Harry Morton: Is there no end to your extravagance? I labor hard for my money. Why must you labor even harder to impoverish me? Have you no thought of the future? You are like the proverbial grasshopper, chirping away with no thought that winter is coming!
Blanche Morton: I know winter's coming, I can hear all that wind.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Ronnie Makes a Record (#8.30)" (1958)
Blanche Morton: When Gracie says to do something, we must do it!
Harry Morton: Gracie, Gracie! Who comes first in your life, Gracie or me?
Blanche Morton: Gracie. She also comes second, third and fourth.
Harry Morton: Oh, I see. I have been relegated to fifth position in your affections.
Blanche Morton: No, that's where my mother comes. And then comes my brother Roger, and then my Aunt Martha, and then my Uncle George, and then my neices and nephews.
Harry Morton: Where, may I ask, do I come?
Blanche Morton: Well, I'm not quite sure but it's somewhere between my beauty operator and the paper boy.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Invitation to the Party (#8.14)" (1957)
Blanche Morton: I think I'll wear my long pink gown with a very simple necklace, and pink gloves, and - oh, what about shoes?
Gracie Allen: Oh, well, no matter how long your gown is, I still think you should wear them!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: September and May (#8.5)" (1957)
Gracie Allen: Did you get the paint all off your hands, Blanche?
Blanche Morton: Oh yes, thank you, honey. But Gracie, if you had the back gate painted, why didn't you hang up a wet paint sign?
Gracie Allen: Oh, I did! I hung it on the tree. The gate looked so pretty now that it's freshly painted, I didn't want to spoil it with a sign.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Giving Party for Atomic Scientist (#3.2)" (1952)
Gracie Allen: You know, as Benjamin Franklin said, "A scientist shouldn't change his mind in the middle of the stream".
Blanche Morton: [incredulous] Benjamin Franklin said that?
Gracie Allen: No, I said it, but I gave him the credit - he hasn't said much, lately.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Teenage Girl Spends the Weekend (#1.16)" (1951)
Blanche Morton: [about Harry] I wouldn't kiss him with borrowed lips.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: George Teaches Gracie Not to Start Rumors (#4.40)" (1954)
George Burns: Gracie told me you were looking for me.
Blanche Morton: Go ahead, Harry. Tell him what we think of him.
Harry Morton: No, Blanche, you'd better tell him. I have trouble getting through to him. Once I told him he was abominable and he shook my hand and thanked me for the compliment.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Costume Party (#7.17)" (1956)
Gracie Allen: I'll put Roger next to George. You know, George is crazy about Roger.
Blanche Morton: George?
Gracie Allen: Yes, he even told me he wanted Roger to stay later than anybody else!
Blanche Morton: He said that?
Gracie Allen: Yes, he said, "Gracie, the last person I want to see at our party tonight is Roger!"

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie the Artist (#1.2)" (1950)
Harry Morton: I happen to like George's voice.
Blanche Morton: A frog makes the same noise, and you can eat its hind legs!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Ronnie's Twenty-One (#7.43)" (1957)
Blanche Morton: I can't get over the fact that Ronnie's 21 now.
Gracie Allen: Yeah, he's a man now, we'll have to treat him as one.
Blanche Morton: Well, as I was telling Harry, Ronnie seems like the same sweet little boy he always was, but Harry disagrees.
Gracie Allen: Oh?
Blanche Morton: Yeah, Harry feels he's more mature, that any day now he'll be swept away by some pretty face and fly the coop.
Gracie Allen: Oh, dear. I know how you feel, dear, but someday I expect Ronnie to do the same thing.
Blanche Morton: What?
Gracie Allen: Well, I wouldn't worry. If Harry gets tired of you, he could also get tired of a pretty face too!
Blanche Morton: No, honey, you didn't understand - I meant Ronnie!
Gracie Allen: Oh, Blanche! Why would Ronnie get tired of you? He isn't your husband! He's a friend, and he loves you just as all of us do!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Back from Paris (#6.33)" (1956)
Gracie Allen: [Gracie plans to open a dress shop] You see, my husband is putting up the money, but nobody must know about it.
Gaston Broussard: Not even me?
Gracie Allen: Not even him!
Blanche Morton: Gracie means her husband is a silent partner.
Gracie Allen: Yeah, you see, the less he knows, the more silent he'll be!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: With or Without Glasses (#8.9)" (1957)
Gracie Allen: Now, do you know what to do?
Blanche Morton: No!
Gracie Allen: Oh well, don't worry. I've got a plan, so whatever I do you follow me, but if it isn't right, you start and then I'll follow you.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: George Needs Glasses (#6.20)" (1956)
Blanche Morton: [Reading newspaper] Oh, isn't that awful? Look what happened last night. "Grandmother Holds Up Bank President."
Gracie Allen: Oh, it certainly is. Wouldn't you think a man with all that responsibility would stay sober?

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Trying to Keep Mortons From Moving Away (#3.15)" (1953)
Blanche Morton: [preparing to bite into a spread slice of bread] Gracie, are you sure this is crabapple jelly?
Gracie Allen: Oh, sure - I used the best crabs and the best apples I could get.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Trying to Get George to Go on Trip East (#3.37)" (1953)
Harry von Zell: Mrs. Morton, Gracie tells me you're going to New York.
Blanche Morton: Yeah, uh huh.
Harry von Zell: Is it a pleasure trip?
Blanche Morton: Oh, no, no. We're taking our husbands.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Musical Version (#6.6)" (1955)
Blanche Morton: Lucky George! Everything he touches turns to gold!
Harry Morton: Why Blanche, one would think you were jealous of our friend's success.
Blanche Morton: You mean you're not jealous?
Harry Morton: Of course not. There's not a jealous bone in my entire body. I'm delighted at this furtherance of his prosperity.
Harry von Zell: Well, so am I. I mean, George really deserves everything he gets. But it's - it's really amazing how he just keeps on getting it.
Harry Morton: Yes, George has been briskly favored by fortune despite his lack of talent and I, for one, am tremendously gratified.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Harry Morton's Private Secretary (#1.4)" (1950)
Harry Morton: Why doesn't she
Harry Morton: stay home with her husband?
Blanche Morton: If you had that husband would you stay home? Well, I wouldn't! I'd take him back to the judge that married me, and I'd say look, I know I took him for better or for worse, but this is ridiculous!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Cigarette Girl/Georgie Jessel/Teddy Bear (#3.18)" (1953)
Blanche Morton: Would you suspect George Burns of chasing strange women?
Harry Morton: Chasing them? He caught one and married her!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Believes George Has a Criminal Record (#5.36)" (1955)
Harry Morton: Those near and dear to me may always count upon my support. For instance, only yesterday you committed a crime and I protected you.
Blanche Morton: I committed a crime?
Harry Morton: That roast you prepared for our dinner was a crime in every sense of the word, but I ate it and destroyed the evidence.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Cyrano De Bergerac (#6.23)" (1956)
Blanche Morton: You never know what to expect from Gracie.
Harry Morton: Yes, that's the only way she resembles other women.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The General (#8.1)" (1957)
Blanche Morton: [young men are unable to enroll at the U.S. military academy Westpoint if they are married] Oh, I see your problem. You can't go to Westpoint if you're married.
Gracie Allen: Oh, that can't be true. I happen to know that President Eisenhower went to Westpoint - so how do you explain Mamie?

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Going to Palm Springs (#7.21)" (1957)
Blanche Morton: [Harry Von Zell has laryngitis] You know something, Harry, you don't need a doctor. Why don't you go home and drink a glass of warm milk after a hot bath?
Gracie Allen: Oh look, she means alright, Harry, but after you drink a hot bath you wouldn't have any room for the milk.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: New Dresses for the Concert (#2.6)" (1951)
Blanche Morton: Say Gracie, did the Beverly Hills Uplift Society ever get a musical group for the concert Saturday night?
Gracie Allen: Oh yes, we've got the Monetti String Ensemble.
Blanche Morton: Oh really? They're a very famous sextet.
Gracie Allen: Oh? Well, as long as they behave themselves at the concert.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie's Vegetarian Plot (#1.23)" (1951)
Blanche Morton: You know, with this diet you're supposed to do bending exercises and drink lots of water.
Gracie Allen: Yeah, well, I tried that this morning, and I kept spilling the water.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Softening the Professor (#8.26)" (1958)
Blanche Morton: You know, Gracie, I think we got carried away with these new expensive spring outfits. I went over my budget and I'm sure you went over yours.
Gracie Allen: Blanche, that's half the fun of shopping. The minute I realized I couldn't afford this dress, I bought it.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Is Brilliant (#8.22)" (1958)
Blanche Morton: I was going to phone you and ask you to go shopping with me but I thought I better check first and see if your line was busy.
Gracie Allen: No, it's not, Blanche, so call me as soon as you get home.
Blanche Morton: I certainly will. And if my line is busy, you call me.
Gracie Allen: Or vice-versa.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Missing Stamp (#7.10)" (1956)
Gracie Allen: Blanche, Harry, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.
Harry Morton: Oh no, no, nothing of the kind. We were just having a friendly litte discussion, weren't we, dear?
Blanche Morton: Yes, darling.
Gracie Allen: Oh, well then I'm glad I waited outside and didn't come in in the middle of that awful fight.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: A Weekend on Long Island (#6.26)" (1956)
Harry Morton: Now personally, I'm looking forward to an escape from Gracie - even for a day - from her inane and feather-headed babbling.
Blanche Morton: I resent those remarks about Gracie!
Harry Morton: Do you deny them?
Blanche Morton: I resent those remarks about Gracie!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Questions and Answers (#6.37)" (1956)
Harry Morton: Really, Blanche, the hold Gracie has on you is incredible! Would you give me a truthful answer to a hypothetical question?
Blanche Morton: Well, sure.
Harry Morton: Suppose the three of us were on a ship. Gracie and I were swept overboard. Now, you are at the rail with two life preservers. To whom would you throw the first one?
Blanche Morton: To Gracie.
Harry Morton: I thought so!
Blanche Morton: Then I'd throw her the second one in case she might've missed the first one.
Harry Morton: And leave me to my fate?
Blanche Morton: Oh, Harry, you don't have to worry! You have enough hot air in you to keep you floating for days!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Politeness Never Pays (#6.18)" (1956)
Gracie Allen: You know, George used to be attentive.
Blanche Morton: Oh, Harry too, but no more. Last night we were hurrying to go to a movie and do you know that Harry wouldn't zip up my dress?
Gracie Allen: Oh, he should be ashamed of himself!
Blanche Morton: Well, George is just as bad.
Gracie Allen: Well, if your own husband won't do it, why should George? He won't even zip up mine.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Newlyweds (#6.27)" (1956)
Harry Morton: Now Blanche, Emily has led a very sheltered life and unfortunately there are too many of my gender who might be tempted to take advantage of her unworldliness. You may not realize it but all men are not like me.
Blanche Morton: Oh I've realized it... but too late.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Texan Italian (#8.3)" (1957)
Blanche Morton: You don't love me and you never did!
Harry Morton: That is not true, Blanche. I did.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Ronnie Gets a Movie Role (#7.31)" (1957)
Blanche Morton: You always get away with it, but don't you ever tell George the truth?
Gracie Allen: Of course! But only when I wanna confuse him.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Helps Lola (#6.8)" (1955)
Harry Morton: My sympathetic nature once led me to become involved with a girl who was not too attractive to the opposite sex and the results were disastrous.
Blanche Morton: Really? What happened?
Harry Morton: I married you.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie on Train/Murder (#3.19)" (1953)
Blanche Morton: Honey, you must have misunderstood the man on the train. Now if this Mr. Lindstrom intended murdering his wife, he isn't going to tell a stranger.
Gracie Allen: But I'm not a stranger, you've known me for years and he told me!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Matrimonial Bureau (#7.22)" (1957)
Blanche Morton: That George Burns must have lost his mind!
Harry Morton: I'm surprised that such a small object wasn't misplaced long ago.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie and Blanche Hire Two Gigolos to Take Them Out (#3.6)" (1952)
Blanche Morton: The last time Harry took me to a night club, they wouldn't serve Gloria Swanson because she was underage!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Misery Loves Company (#8.11)" (1957)
Blanche Morton: Gracie, let's go in and cheer Ralph up.
Gracie Allen: Oh, and I know how to do it! Isn't there a saying that misery loves company?
Blanche Morton: Yeah.
Gracie Allen: Well, come on, Blanche! We'll be so miserable he'll have to cheer us up!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Interview (#7.7)" (1956)
Blanche Morton: By the way, Mrs. Sohmers, did you have a pleasant trip?
Mrs. Millicent Sohmers: Oh, oh, oh yes! The only difficulty I had was getting a taxi at the airport.
Gracie Allen: Well, while you were at the airport, why didn't you take a plane? They're much more comfortable than riding in a taxi all the way to California!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Night Out (#6.36)" (1956)
Harry Morton: A relationship that has endured for so many years should not be disrupted because George had one last little fling.
Blanche Morton: What makes you think it's his last?
Harry Morton: When a man his age has flung, there is scant likelihood of further flinging.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Mrs. Sohmers Needs a Psychologist (#6.39)" (1956)
Mrs. Sohmers: Actually, I had no right to lose my temper and start pounding with my gavel on the table. I should have used my head.
Blanche Morton: No, no, Gracie, she...
Mrs. Sohmers: Shhh! Well, go ahead, Mrs. Burns. Aren't you gonna say that I would be foolish to bang my head on the table while I had a gavel?
Gracie Allen: Oh, no! It would be rude to say anything that silly - but it's alright for you to say because you're president of the club.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Football Game (#2.3)" (1951)
Gracie Allen: You know, last time I was to a game I sat next to Harry and he explained football to me.
Blanche Morton: That was the last time he went too.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Hires a Safecracker for Her Wall Safe (#5.29)" (1955)
Blanche Morton: Gracie, doesn't George have to have those bonds by tonight? And isn't Mark Plumb coming by to pick them up? And if he doesn't pick them up, isn't George going to lose a lot of money? And what is George gonna say about this?
Gracie Allen: Blanche, whose friend are you?
Blanche Morton: Yours.
Gracie Allen: Well then, stop thinking of questions for George and think of a few answers for me!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Ronnie Moves to the Village (#6.7)" (1955)
Gracie Allen: I think I know a way of finding out about Ronnie without him knowing I'm there.
Blanche Morton: Look, Gracie, before you do whatever it is you're thinking of doing, would you take a little friendly advice?
Gracie Allen: Well, sure.
Blanche Morton: I think it's going to be silly.
Gracie Allen: Oh Blanche, this is no time to give me silly advice when I'm worrying about Ronnie!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Goes to Psychiatrist for Blanche's Dream (#4.23)" (1954)
[first lines]
Blanche Morton: Well, you're right, Gracie. Maybe I shouldn't worry, but I've had that same dream five nights in a row.
Gracie Allen: Oh no, Blanche, you know dreams *can* be disturbing. I had a dream once that I went to a party with nothing on but a hat. Oh, it was awful.
Blanche Morton: I can imagine!
Gracie Allen: Well sure. There was another woman there wearing the same hat.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: An English Tea (#8.4)" (1957)
Blanche Morton: Gracie, everybody that meets you loves you! I don't see why you're so nervous and excited. I'm sure you'll make a good impression on Lady Crawford.
Harry Morton: Perhaps. But what about George?
Gracie Allen: Well, I must have made a good impression on George or he never would have married me!

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Gets a Valet for George (#5.18)" (1955)
Harry Morton: Blanche, will I be rude if I inquire about my breakfast?
Blanche Morton: Not at all. What would you like to know?

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: Gracie Thinks Harry Morton Is in Love With Her (#3.14)" (1953)
George Burns: Say, Blanche, I found out about Gracie and Harry, and I'm going over to kill him.
Blanche Morton: Oh, well, George, could you wait a little while? He's doing the dishes.

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: The Magic Act (#6.31)" (1956)
Blanche Morton: Harry, you're the most wonderful husband in the whole world! Let me kiss you!
Harry Morton: Why? What have I done now?

"The George Burns and Gracie Allen Show: George Gets Call from Unknown Victor (#5.11)" (1954)
Blanche Morton: Oh, I'm sorry, Harry.
Harry Morton: Well you should be. You should be sorry, failing at a task that wouldn't tax the mentality of a maladjusted amoeba!
Blanche Morton: Maladjusted amoeba! You and your two-dollar words! You know, if you'd cash a few of them, we might be able to buy a pound of hamburger!
Harry Morton: There's never a shortage of hamburger in this house, you serve it at least four times a week.