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: What is this I'm attempting to eat? Blanche Morton
: That's a breaded Viennese cutlet, I got it out of the cookbook. Harry Morton
: You forgot to remove the cover!
: You and your constant complaints. What happened to the warm, kind, romantic man I married? Harry Morton
: Practically everything!
: I know I've got a wonderful idea but I can't think of it. Blanche Morton
: Well, maybe I can help you think of something. You know what they say, "Two heads are better than one." Harry Morton
: In this particular case, I don't believe they are even the equivalent of one. Blanche Morton
: Well, why don't you help us? With four heads we can't miss.
: Blanche, dear, your sense of humor is like your figure. Even when it reaches a point it is never in the right place.
: Blanche tells me you're going house-hunting this morning. Mrs. Millicent Sohmers
: Yes, I hope soon to be a California resident. Harry Morton
: I can't tell you how delighted I am, Mrs. Sohmers, that after one week's visit with us you have decided to find a home of your own. Mrs. Millicent Sohmers
: Mr. Morton, I had no idea my presence here had been so objectionable!
: California is the garden spot of the nation, rich in industry, teeming with natural resources and blessed with the diversity of climate and scenery unsurpassed throughout the nation. Left as it is beside the blue waters... Blanche Morton
: Will the distinguished Representative from California yield long enough to eat his eggs? Harry Morton
: Do forgive me. When I'm on the subject of California, I get carried away. Mrs. Millicent Sohmers
: But not far enough.
: By the way, Harry, Mrs. Sohmers and I'll need the car today to go house hunting. Harry Morton
: Well, I'm sure you'll find many charming places here in Beverly Hills. Mrs. Millicent Sohmers
: Yes, I'm going to locate in Pasadena. Blanche Morton
: By the way, Mrs. Sohmers, how come you decided on Pasadena instead of Beverly Hills? Mrs. Millicent Sohmers
: Well, there's nothing wrong with Beverly Hills. If I had lived next door to her as long as you have, I'd get used to it too, but I haven't and I'm too old to start.
: You and Gracie and your meddling are just as much responsible for my recurrent dilemmas as Blanche is herself. Oh, it's useless to try to reason with a person of your mentality. You are not just a man, you are a hopeless buffoon, a clod, a bungling oaf! George Burns
: Thanks, and I sing and dance too, y'know!
: Harry, I think it's very nice of George to let them stay there. It's more than you would do. Harry Morton
: Blanche, what did you have in mind? Blanche Morton
: Well, I thought it would be nice if my brother came down. Harry Morton
: With what?
: You're just mad at my brother because you had to pay a dental bill for him once. It was only eighty dollars. Besides, anybody could have trouble with his teeth. Harry Morton
: Well he wouldn't if he'd learn to open beer bottles with an opener!
: You just don't like anybody in my family. Take my mother, she was here for a whole month and you didn't say one single word to her! Harry Morton
: I didn't want to interrupt her.
: Don't know why I had to marry you. Harry Morton
: I know why. You wanted a handsome, intelligent man who was gonna amount to something. Blanche Morton
: I know, but answer my question. Why did I marry you?
: Geooorrrge Burrrns! George Burns
: Harry, you're the only man I know that makes my name sound like you're stepping on it.
: You are a despicable scoundrel, a venal egocentric, a contumacious and meretricious rapscallion! There aren't enough words in the English language to describe you! George Burns
: Sounds to me like you made up a few of your own.
: Young Ronald has married this Texas female Bonnie Sue. Blanche Morton
: Oh, I can explain that. Sit down and have your beef stew. Harry Morton
: What a horrible thing! Blanche Morton
: What's wrong with two kids getting married? Harry Morton
: I was referring to the beef stew. What a day! This culinary atrocity on top of young Ronald's marriage.
: I bet if Gracie were married to a man like me, she wouldn't do anything silly. Blanche Morton
: Well honey, after she married you, nothing she did would seem silly!
: Harry, you remember I told you that a man cut our grass this morning? Well, he's over at Gracie's now, and she thinks he's Mr. Graham, the business manager. Harry Morton
: After the man has been there a while, he'll believe it himself.
: I'm a patient man but this is too much to ask. Blanche Morton
: I don't know about you being a man but if you don't do this for me you'll be a patient!
: You don't love me and you never did! Harry Morton
: That is not true, Blanche. I did.
: Oh, this association with Gracie has gone too far! Blanche, I am afraid that now you too are a point off-center!
: George, I have something I feel you should know. George Burns
: Oh, well, have a stool pigeon. I mean, take a chair.
: Why George, I'm covered with mortification! George Burns
: Under that shirt, nobody'll notice.
Harry von Zell
: You were the intercollegiate middleweight boxing champion. Why don't you beat this fella up and throw him out? Harry Morton
: Well, I tried that once but that stupid Roger had never heard of my record and he knocked the stuffing out of me. Harry von Zell
: George, what about you? George Burns
: Oh, I wouldn't hit Harry Morton. I know about his record.
: What are you looking for? Blanche Morton
: Gracie's diamond ring is missing. Harry Morton
: That isn't all of Gracie's that's missing.
[Harry raids the Burns' refrigerator
] Blanche Morton
: Harry, did it ever occur to you that Gracie might be planning to serve those cold cuts for dinner? Harry Morton
: Don't be silly, she's got a big ham. Blanche Morton
: I know, that's who she's planning to serve them to.
: Blanche, this is no time for amorous dalliance. Blanche Morton
: When is the time? Harry Morton
: In the far distant past.
: Don't you remember when I used to sit on your lap and snuggle? You were once romantic! Harry Morton
: You were once twenty pounds lighter!
: What's wrong with my figure? Harry Morton
: I don't want to give you a hasty answer, Blanche. May I have an hour to assemble my notes?
: Do you remember the quarrel we got into before we were married? Harry Morton
: Mmm-hmm. When will it ever end?
[Gracie has wrapped George's Christmas present
] Harry Morton
: What is it, Gracie? Gracie Allen
: Guess. Harry Morton
: It could be anything. Gracie Allen
: That's what it is. Oh, and George has wanted one for a long time!
: Oh Gracie, I've been looking for you all over! I've got Blanche's Christmas presents here, will you hide them for me? Gracie Allen
: What is it? Harry Morton
: I got her a red alligator bag and and shoes to match. Gracie Allen
: Oh, it's lovely, Harry! But I always thought alligators were brown. Harry Morton
: It's dyed. Gracie Allen
: Oh, well, I hope it has if they made a bag and shoes out of it.
: Gracie, have you seen my wife? Gracie Allen
: Well, that's a silly question. I see her every day - she lives next door!
: Gracie, will you tell Blanche to come home and fix my eggs? Gracie Allen
: Yeah, well, I'll tell her but it won't pay to fix them. Once they're broken, it's cheaper to buy new ones.
: You know, I cannot understand why the Vanderlips allowed Emily to come to New York by herself. She's a grown girl but they treat her as if she were a baby. Gracie Allen
: And they've been doing it ever since she was born!
: Now Blanche, Emily has led a very sheltered life and unfortunately there are too many of my gender who might be tempted to take advantage of her unworldliness. You may not realize it but all men are not like me. Blanche Morton
: Oh I've realized it... but too late.
: Harry Morton, the day I married you was the worst day of my life! Harry Morton
: I can't choose mine. Since we wed they've all been equally bitter.
: [Harry is busy with paperwork
] Harry, this is the traveling clock I got for George and Gracie for their anniversary. Isn't it pretty the way I wrapped it? Harry Morton
: Yes, dear. Blanche Morton
: Gee, I hope they like it. You know, they have so much, I never know what to get them. Can you think of anything else? Harry Morton
: Yes, dear. Blanche Morton
: Oh, what would you suggest? Harry Morton
: Yes, dear. Blanche Morton
: Harry, is it alright if I pack my clothes and run away with the elevator boy? Harry Morton
: Yes, dear. Blanche Morton
: Maybe he IS listening. Harry, is it alright if I draw all your money out of the bank before I leave? Harry Morton
: Yes, dear. Blanche Morton
: No, he's not listening.
: [to Blanche
] Gracie has small feet to match the smallness of her intellect; you have rather large feet, and there the parallel ceases.
: Von Zell, how could you be such a dupe? Harry von Zell
: I started as a dope and worked my way up.
: Gracie, everybody that meets you loves you! I don't see why you're so nervous and excited. I'm sure you'll make a good impression on Lady Crawford. Harry Morton
: Perhaps. But what about George? Gracie Allen
: Well, I must have made a good impression on George or he never would have married me!
: This cultured noblewoman will surely want to speak of art and literature, and George contributes nothing to any intelligent conversation but cigar smoke!
: Well, Gracie, this is quite a surprise. Eight o'clock, isn't that a bit early? Gracie Allen
: Well no, it's no surprise. Eight o'clock is always early - unless it's at night, and then it's late.
: Blanche, will I be rude if I inquire about my breakfast? Blanche Morton
: Not at all. What would you like to know?
: Oh, if I only had a nickel for every time you and your wife have ruined my marriage! George Burns
: Harry, don't blame me for spoiling your happiness. Harry Morton
: I didn't say "happiness." My marriage ruined my happiness and you and your wife are ruining my marriage!
: Do you know that his father boasts that young Ronald was born backstage in a trunk? Mrs. Sohmers
: Really? How uncomfortable for Mrs. Burns!
: This is a very gentle animal. Did you try to pat him on the head? Harry Morton
: Just before he pounced on me! George Burns
: Well that'll do it. Never pat a strange dog on the head! You see, put your hand down below his eyes, show him that it's empty, and then he'll know that you're not gonna hurt him. Harry von Zell
: That's right. Then when that hand's gone, you can show him the other one!
: Is there no end to your extravagance? I labor hard for my money. Why must you labor even harder to impoverish me? Have you no thought of the future? You are like the proverbial grasshopper, chirping away with no thought that winter is coming! Blanche Morton
: I know winter's coming, I can hear all that wind.
: When Gracie says to do something, we must do it! Harry Morton
: Gracie, Gracie! Who comes first in your life, Gracie or me? Blanche Morton
: Gracie. She also comes second, third and fourth. Harry Morton
: Oh, I see. I have been relegated to fifth position in your affections. Blanche Morton
: No, that's where my mother comes. And then comes my brother Roger, and then my Aunt Martha, and then my Uncle George, and then my neices and nephews. Harry Morton
: Where, may I ask, do I come? Blanche Morton
: Well, I'm not quite sure but it's somewhere between my beauty operator and the paper boy.
: George, my spouse has gone berserk! George Burns
: Well, why don't you go with her? I understand you can get a family rate.
: [Gracie brings home some plants from Central Park
] Those bulbs are property of the city. You have committed larceny - petty, it's true, but larceny nevertheless. Gracie Allen
: Well, I'm sorry it was so petty, but it's the first time I ever tried it.
: Gracie told me you were looking for me. Blanche Morton
: Go ahead, Harry. Tell him what we think of him. Harry Morton
: No, Blanche, you'd better tell him. I have trouble getting through to him. Once I told him he was abominable and he shook my hand and thanked me for the compliment.
: I happen to like George's voice. Blanche Morton
: A frog makes the same noise, and you can eat its hind legs!
: Von Zell, perhaps you can help me. You seem to comprehend George's psychology. Harry von Zell
: Yeah, well, you can't be fired by a man three or four times a day without getting to know him pretty well.
: I guess I'm just not smart. Harry Morton
: Well Ronald, you can't fight heredity. After all, you do have a parent with a somewhat addled brain. Ronnie Burns
: Mr. Morton, I'll thank you not to talk about my father that way. Harry Morton
: Well, it wasn't he... however, it does seem to fit just as well.
: Lucky George! Everything he touches turns to gold! Harry Morton
: Why Blanche, one would think you were jealous of our friend's success. Blanche Morton
: You mean you're not jealous? Harry Morton
: Of course not. There's not a jealous bone in my entire body. I'm delighted at this furtherance of his prosperity. Harry von Zell
: Well, so am I. I mean, George really deserves everything he gets. But it's - it's really amazing how he just keeps on getting it. Harry Morton
: Yes, George has been briskly favored by fortune despite his lack of talent and I, for one, am tremendously gratified.
: Why doesn't she
] Harry Morton
: stay home with her husband? Blanche Morton
: If you had that husband would you stay home? Well, I wouldn't! I'd take him back to the judge that married me, and I'd say look, I know I took him for better or for worse, but this is ridiculous!
: Would you suspect George Burns of chasing strange women? Harry Morton
: Chasing them? He caught one and married her!
: Those near and dear to me may always count upon my support. For instance, only yesterday you committed a crime and I protected you. Blanche Morton
: I committed a crime? Harry Morton
: That roast you prepared for our dinner was a crime in every sense of the word, but I ate it and destroyed the evidence.
: You never know what to expect from Gracie. Harry Morton
: Yes, that's the only way she resembles other women.
: You should give her a piece of your mind. Harry Morton
: I most assuredly will. The brazen arrogance she displayed when she usurped my authority will not go unrebuked! George Burns
: Don't give her that piece, it sounds like it might be valuable.
: Blanche, Harry, I hope I'm not interrupting anything. Harry Morton
: Oh no, no, nothing of the kind. We were just having a friendly litte discussion, weren't we, dear? Blanche Morton
: Yes, darling. Gracie Allen
: Oh, well then I'm glad I waited outside and didn't come in in the middle of that awful fight.
: Now personally, I'm looking forward to an escape from Gracie - even for a day - from her inane and feather-headed babbling. Blanche Morton
: I resent those remarks about Gracie! Harry Morton
: Do you deny them? Blanche Morton
: I resent those remarks about Gracie!
: Really, Blanche, the hold Gracie has on you is incredible! Would you give me a truthful answer to a hypothetical question? Blanche Morton
: Well, sure. Harry Morton
: Suppose the three of us were on a ship. Gracie and I were swept overboard. Now, you are at the rail with two life preservers. To whom would you throw the first one? Blanche Morton
: To Gracie. Harry Morton
: I thought so! Blanche Morton
: Then I'd throw her the second one in case she might've missed the first one. Harry Morton
: And leave me to my fate? Blanche Morton
: Oh, Harry, you don't have to worry! You have enough hot air in you to keep you floating for days!
: My sympathetic nature once led me to become involved with a girl who was not too attractive to the opposite sex and the results were disastrous. Blanche Morton
: Really? What happened? Harry Morton
: I married you.
: Blanche, when I woke up this morning there was twenty dollars missing from my pocket. I'm sure the maid took it. Blanche Morton
: We don't have a maid. Harry Morton
: I know.
: That George Burns must have lost his mind! Harry Morton
: I'm surprised that such a small object wasn't misplaced long ago.
: [speaking to Blanche about Gracie
] Our dear friend's brain is like the eye of a hurricane. It is a vacuum, yet wherever it goes, havoc is wreaked.
: George, as a rule I'm an unemotional man, but on this occasion I feel I would be remiss in my duty if I didn't assure you straightforwardly that you are an unparalleled example of camaraderie and possess all the instincts of a true Samaritan. George Burns
: I've been so nice to you, why are you getting so nasty? Harry Morton
: George, you are an encouragable buffoon! George Burns
: Now, that's better!
: A relationship that has endured for so many years should not be disrupted because George had one last little fling. Blanche Morton
: What makes you think it's his last? Harry Morton
: When a man his age has flung, there is scant likelihood of further flinging.
: You know, Gracie, speaking with you is quite an experience. It's like shaking hands with an empty glove.
: Harry, you're the most wonderful husband in the whole world! Let me kiss you! Harry Morton
: Why? What have I done now?
: Have you been hitting that blackberry cordial? Harry Morton
: Certainly not! I speak this way because I'm filled with antipathy! George Burns
: That must be stronger than the other stuff.
: Oh, I'm sorry, Harry. Harry Morton
: Well you should be. You should be sorry, failing at a task that wouldn't tax the mentality of a maladjusted amoeba! Blanche Morton
: Maladjusted amoeba! You and your two-dollar words! You know, if you'd cash a few of them, we might be able to buy a pound of hamburger! Harry Morton
: There's never a shortage of hamburger in this house, you serve it at least four times a week.
: Officer, what seems to be the trouble? Motorcycle Cop
: She went through a 20 mile zone at 30 miles an hour. Gracie Allen
: So what? Yesterday, I went through that same zone at 10 miles an hour, so it owed me 10!