Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth (Character)
from "Futurama" (1999)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Futurama: A Clone of My Own (#2.15)" (2000)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Professor Farnsworth is showing Cubert, his clone, some of his inventions] And this is my Universal Translator. Unfortunately, so far it only translates into an incomprehensible dead language.
Cubert J. Farnsworth: [into the translator's microphone] Hello.
Translator Machine: Bonjour!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Crazy gibberish!

Cubert J. Farnsworth: Your explanations are pure weapons grade balognium. It's all impossible.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Nothing is impossible. Not if you can imagine it. That's what being is a scientist is all about.
Cubert J. Farnsworth: No, that's what being a magical elf is all about.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: Look Professor. I may be identical to you in every possible way but that doesn't mean I'm anything like you.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You... wha?
Cubert J. Farnsworth: I don't want to be an inventor. I want to be something useful like a teacher's aide or a prison guard or a science fiction cartoon writer.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!
[reading the letter he got]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: The University is bringing me up on disciplinary charges... wait... that's not good news at all.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! The university is bringing me on disciplinary charges. Wait - that's not good news at all.
Leela: Whatever you did, professor, I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Yes, but they won't listen! Everybody's always in favor of saving Hitler's brain. But when you put it in the body of a great white shark - uuuh, suddenly you've gone too far.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [on a holographic message] I know you're all very upset, especially Bender.
Bender: Well, life goes on... except for you. Ha ha ha ha!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I'm sure that Bender has just made a cutting remark. But he doesn't know I taped over his soap operas to record this message.
Bender: You bastard!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Goodbye, cruel world. Goodbye, cruel lamp. Goodbye, cruel velvet drapes, lined with what would appear to be some kind of cruel muslin. And the cute little pom-pom pull ropes, cruel though they may be...

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: What a pleasure it is to see my lifetime of accomplishment summed up in a three-minute film. My best years are behind me. So much left undone. So little time.
[sits down, depressed]
Bender: [clapping] Funny, funny stuff.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: These are the dark matter engines I invented. They allow my starship to travel between galaxies in mere hours.
Cubert J. Farnsworth: That's impossible. You can't go faster than the speed of light.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Of course not. That's why scientists increased the speed of light in 2208.
Cubert J. Farnsworth: Also impossible
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: And what makes my engines truly remarkable is the afterburner, which delivers 200% fuel efficiency.
Cubert J. Farnsworth: That's especially impossible.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Not at all. It's very simple.
Cubert J. Farnsworth: Then explain it.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Now that's impossible! It came to me in a dream, and I forgot it in another dream.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Listen to me, you pompous frauds! If I'm going down, I'm taking you all with me. Dean Vernon, I know the truth. It was you driving your hovercar last night, not your horse! Dean Epsilon, I know all about your Department of Pool Boy Studies. And Doctor Wernstrom... Wernstrom!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: So many loves half-loved. So many inventions half-invented. That damn time machine alone set me back fifteen years.
Dr. Zoidberg: If only it'd work, you could go back and not waste your time on it.

Bender: How 'bout a few words, Professor?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Huh, wha... er...?
Bender: I said words.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Thank you all for saving me. Especially you, my little clone. No matter what you decide to do with your life, I'm proud of you.
Cubert J. Farnsworth: I've already decided. Dad, when I grow up, I wanna be just like you.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Don't worry, son, you will. Incidentally, you might want to read up on a condition known as wandering bladder.
Cubert J. Farnsworth: Why?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, no reason. No reason at all.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: And you, Coach Smalley, or should I say Coach Hairpiece...

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, Cubert, come in here. I have something amazing to show you.
Cubert J. Farnsworth: What is it? A competent employee? I doubt that very much.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Tomorrow, you'll all be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet.
Hermes: Why can't they go today?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Because tonight's a special night and I want you all to be alive. It's the Academy of Inventors annual symposium.
Fry: Wow, I love symposia!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's the scientific event of the season. Every member presents an invention. The best one wins the Academy prize.
Bender: Sounds boring.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh my, yes.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Professor Farnsworth is showing Cubert, his clone, some of his inventions] This is my Universal Translator. It could have been my greatest invention, but it translates everything into an incomprehensible dead language
Cubert J. Farnsworth: [into the translator's microphone] Hello.
Universal Translator: Bonjour!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: See? Lousy gibberish!

Cubert J. Farnsworth: Your explanations are pure weapons grade balonium. It's all impossible.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Nothing is impossible. Not if you can imagine it. That's what being is a scientist is all about.
Cubert J. Farnsworth: No, that's what being a magical elf is all about.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Bad news, everyone.

"Futurama: The Late Philip J. Fry (#6.7)" (2010)
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: The last proton should be decaying about now.
Philip J. Fry: Bye, last proton.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: And here we are. The end of the universe.
Philip J. Fry: Well, now what? You guys want to talk?
Bender: No, thanks.

Philip J. Fry: Hey, look. The first fish to crawl up on land.
Bender: [Steps on fish] He was coming right at us! You all saw it!

Philip J. Fry: I'm getting another beer.
[Bends down to get a beer from Bender's chest compartment]
Bender: Fry, hurry up! You're missing the dinosaurs!
Philip J. Fry: Relax, they're not going anywhere.
[Gets up]
Philip J. Fry: Where'd they go?

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Just slow it down. I'll just shoot Hitler out the window.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Darn! I hit Eleanor Roosevelt by mistake.

Philip J. Fry: All in all, I've led a full life. Let's say the three of us grab a six-pack and watch the universe end?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Hear, hear!
Bender: That's basically what I do every day.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: The stars are receding. Oh, the vast emptiness!
[Shakes empty beer can in front of Bender]
Bender: Yeah, yeah. I can take a hint.

Philip J. Fry: So, what was the purpose of life anyway?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Who knows? Probably some hogwash about the human spirit.
Bender: Mmm-hmm.
Philip J. Fry: Sounds about right.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Behold! A time traveling machine!
[Fry and Bender gasp]
Bender: Time? I can't go back there!
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Ah, but this time machine only goes forward in time. That way you can't accidentally change history, or do something disgusting like sleep with your own grandmother.
Philip J. Fry: I wouldn't want to do that again.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Yoohoo, boys! What's this era in human history like?
Man in the Year 10 Million: The machines. We built them to make our lives easier, but they rebelled. They won't stop until every human is dead!
Bender: This seems like a nice future. Let's just stay here. We can settle down on that mountain of skulls.
[Farnsworth starts the machine, they travel]
Bender: Hey! That place had a gorgeous view of Blood Lake.

Year Fifty Million Woman #1: Greetings, time travelers.
Bender: Stupid jerks won't let me stay in the good future.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: How did you know we were time travelers?
Year Fifty Million Woman #2: We too have studied the time travel enigma.
Year Fifty Million Woman #3: We have perfected a method that uses negative mass neutrino fields that allow us to travel backwards in time.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: My name's Hubert.
Philip J. Fry: All right! We can go home!
Bender: [Mocking Fry] Nyah-nyah, we can go...
Year Fifty Million Woman #1: We can talk about our research tomorrow. Men are rare in our society. Even very old and stupid males are priced. Tonight, please be our guests of honor in a fertility banquet.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Well, there certainly is no harm in a fertility banquet.
Philip J. Fry: I can eat, and fertilize.
Year Fifty Million Woman #1: Very well. Anoint our guests in oil without using our hands.
Bender: Oh, so we can stay in the future you like, but not the future I like? Next!
[Benders starts up the time machine again and they leave the year 50 Million]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: No! I was about to close the deal!
Philip J. Fry: Bender, they had a backwards time machine!
Bender: The other place had a lot of nice things too. Did you even see that mountain of skulls?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Why you...
[Slaps Bender very weakly]
Bender: Oh no you didn't!
[They fight]

Philip J. Fry: So long, Earth. Thanks for the air and whatnot.

Philip J. Fry: Please, let me make it up to you. I'll treat you to a fancy birhtday dinner tonight at Cavern on the Green.
Turanga Leela: Wow, that'll be the nicest place I've ever been stood up.
Philip J. Fry: Not this time. No matter what happens, I swear I'll be there.
Bender: Guys, guys! Hedonismbot is finally settling down and marrying a nice house in the suburbs, but tonight, he's having the girls-gone-wildest bachelor party of all time!
Philip J. Fry: Whoo-hoo... who cares! I'm having dinner with Leela
Turanga Leela: Just go to your stupid party. We can have dinner on my birthday some other year.
Philip J. Fry: No. I can throw up on a stripper anytime. Tonight, I want to not throw up, on you.
Turanga Leela: Really?
Bender: Your loss. Hey, Professor! You're my wingman.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Very well. Eh, Cubert, fetch my drinking teeth.

Philip J. Fry: Stop. Somewhere, sometime, Leela's waiting for me.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Fry's right.
Bender: Yes, we have to work together, and not have this fight I was definitely winning.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: The year One Billion. I have a feeling this is exactly the point in time we've been looking for.
[They step out; the earth is scorched and desolate]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Nope.
[Scans around with a device that beeps and displays an X]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: In fact, all life is extinct.
[Bender chuckles]
Philip J. Fry: So, let's keep going forward.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh, it's no use. The Earth is dead. It's the end of all things.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: My God, is it possible?
Philip J. Fry: It must be possible, it's happening. By the way, what's happening?

Philip J. Fry: I just need to sign Leela's birthday card. How do you spell XO?
Amy Wong: Guh, it's a record-your-own-message card. You don't sign it, you leave a nude video greeting.
Philip J. Fry: Does it have to be nude?
Amy Wong: I guess not. That never occured to me.

Philip J. Fry: [Sees the ruins of the Statue of Liberty] No! They did it! They blew it up!
[Camera pans to ape version of Statue of Liberty]
Philip J. Fry: And then the apes blew up their society! How could this have happened?
[camera pans to other Statues of Liberty]
Philip J. Fry: And then the birds took over and ruined their society! And then the cows, and then... I don't know, is that a slug, maybe? Noooo!

"Futurama: Teenage Mutant Leela's Hurdles (#5.7)" (2003)
[the professor has been "youthisized" to age 53]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, now I'll need a fake ID to buy ultra-porn.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: With my last breath, I curse Zoidberg!

[while looking for the gargoyle Pazuzu, Farnsworth stops at a diner in Florida]
Bender: Yo, Captain Catarats. Why are we stopping here?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's almost 2:30. Just in time for the early bird dinner special.
Philip J. Fry: What about your gargoyle?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: The wha?

Hermes Conrad: Are you back to your original age, professor?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Even older. Huzzah!

Mandy: [about Fry] So this is the famous Fry. What is he, like, the biggest loser on the surface so he has to hang out in the sewer?
Philip J. Fry: They're onto me.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I must find a way to escape the horrible ravages of youth. Suddenly I'm going to the bathroom every three hours like clockwork, and those jerks at Social Security stop sending me checks. Now I have to pay them.

Philip J. Fry: [on a boat race in the sewer] We miss the turn. We'll never catch up.
Turanga Leela: Yes we will. This pipe goes under Planet Express, and it's 9:00 PM.
[cut to Planet Express; toilet flushes]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: The devil take this predictable colon!

Turanga Leela: According to this, the fountain is located within the darkest, most ancient region of space, just past Teddy Bear Junction.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Teddy Bear Junction. The worse scum hole in the universe.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: At this rate, we'll keep getting younger until we suffer a fate worse than death: pre-life! Then death.

Philip J. Fry: It worked! We're our original ages again!
Turanga Leela: I think I may even be a few years younger.
Amy Wong: Hey, me too!

Heather: Sir, it is not necessary or wise to be naked.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Pfft! You sound like my tennis instructor.

Turanga Leela: Professor, teeth do not belong in your pants.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, I can't keep them in my mouth. They're nuclear powered.
Philip J. Fry: Ow! It bit me!
Turanga Leela: No! No! It's tasted human blood!

Heather: Sir, it's not necessary or wise to be naked.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh! You sound just like my tennis instructor!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [during a painful massage] Careful with the giblets!

Philip J. Fry: [after Leela decides to stay young] Goodbye, Leela. I'll come visit you when I'm all grown up.
Turanga Leela: [whispering] Bring beer.
Turanga Morris: No beer until you finish your tequila!

Philip J. Fry: [after Leela refuses the treatment to restore her age] Bye Leela. I'll come visit you when I'm all grown up.
Turanga Leela: [whispering] Bring beer.
Turanga Morris: No beer until you finish your tequila!

"Futurama: Roswell That Ends Well (#4.1)" (2001)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Above all else it is our sacred duty to preserve the past just as it is.
[Fry walks in]
Fry: Well, I've killed my grandfather.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Whaaaaaaaa?
Leela: Wait, if you killed your grandfather, why do you still exist?
Fry: I don't know. Maybe God loves me.
[Bender laughs maniacally]

Fry: But won't that change history?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [ultra sarcastic] Ohh, a lesson in not changing history from Mr. "I'm My Own Grandfather"! Let's just steal the damn dish and get out of here! Screw history!

Mildred: What'll you folks have today?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I'll have some Soylent Green, with a slice of Soylent Orange and some Soylent coleslaw.
Mildred: Huh?
Leela: [whispering] It's the 20th century, Professor.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, right. I'll have a croque monsieur, the paella, two mutton pills, and a stein of mead.
Leela: I'll just have a small injection of Fem-a-slim.
Mildred: Uh, two chili dogs comin' right up.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You mustn't interfere with the past. Don't do anything that affects anything. Unless it turns out that you were supposed to do it; in which case, for the love of God, don't not do it!
Fry: Got it.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: If, for example, you were to kill your grandfather, you would cease to exist.
Fry: [gasp] But existing is basically all I do!

Leela: Well, settle in. Without a microwave, we're stuck in this time period.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, Lord! We'll have to endure the horrible music of the Big Bopper, and then the terrible tragedy of his death.

Fry: AAAH! It's impossible! I mean, if she's my grandmother, then who's my grandfather?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Isn't is obvious?
Fry: *shakes head*
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: YOU ARE!
Fry: Aaaah! Aaaaaah! AAAAAAAAAAH!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Yes, sir, we tore the universe a new space hole. But it's clenching shut fast.

Leela: Why is traffic so light around Earth?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: And what is this layer of ozone? That's never been there before.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, now everything is back as it was, and if history doesn't care that our degenerate friend Fry is his own grandfather, then who are we to judge?
Bender: Amen.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Remarkable! According to this high-precision digital chronograph, it's July 9th, 1947, which would explain why the chronograph has turned into this pin-up calendar.

Leela: Fry's from around this time. I'll talk like him.
[to salesman]
Leela: Yo, homes! We're looking for a microwave oven.
Sears-Roebuck Salesman: Microwave? Never heard of that brand, sweetheart. What you want is the Deluxe Gas Princess. This beauty has four broilers; a casserole indicator; a fold-out ironing board; and, down here, a foot-soaking tub; since, as a woman, you'll be standing in front of it all day.
[Leela slams oven door on salesman's knee]
Leela: Oh, I'm sorry. Now I'll aks you again. Where is the mi-cro-wave?
Sears-Roebuck Salesman: Sir, your wife is histerical, so I'll address this to you. This oven is lighting fast. It only takes five hours to cook a pot roast.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Ooh, that's good news. You know, you don't cook enough roasts, Leela.
[Leela turns on stove, setting the Professor's tie on fire]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [to salesman] Women!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Choke on that, causality!
Bender: 1947 can bite my shiny, metal...
[Head falls off ship]
Bender: Aaaaaaaahhhh!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You really don't cook enough roasts, Leela.

"Futurama: Time Keeps on Slipping (#3.14)" (2001)
[after Fry looses basketball game to invading Harlem Globetrotters]
Leela: I dont know how you did it, Fry, but once again you screwed up. Now every galaxy is gonna be cracking wise about our mamas.
[Hermes hangs his head in shame]
Hermes Conrad: I'm just glad my fat ugly mama is not alive to see this.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: What do you know of this?
Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate: Not much yet, but I am a senior lecturer of physics at Globetrotter U, and I'd like to help you investigate.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You're *that* Bubblegum Tate?
Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate: Well, I sure ain't his grandma.

Fry: Put me on, Professor. I wanna show Leela my skills.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Hmm. Will said skills pay the bills?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: At this rate, by Tuesday it will be Thursday, by Wednesday it will be August, and by Thursday it will be the end of existence as we know it!

Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate: We need some kind of Doomsday device to create an implosion like that.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Doomsday device? Aha! Now the ball's in Farnsworth's court.
[pulls on a lever; a platform appears with several Doomsday devices]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I suppose I can part with one and still be feared.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I knew I should have checked that showboating Globetrotter algebra.
Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate: I thought you knew that algebra was all razzamatazz. A Globetrotter always saves the good algebra for the final minutes.

Leela: Here you are, fresh off the nebula.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: And none too soon. While you were gone, the Trotters held a news conference to announce that I was a jive sucker.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: The time skips are worse than ever now. Isolated spots are jumping by years at a time. Look.
Boy: Stupid senior citizens. Why should we have to pay for their Social Security benefits?
[Time skip; boy becomes senior citizen]
Senior Citizen: I deserve free money!

Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate: Mind if I dribble while we work?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Not if you'll grant me the same liberty.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Behold, my mutant atomic supermen!
Leela: They're only a foot high, professor.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, they're still young. Mere atomic superboys, really. We'll need to speed their growth with time particles called chronitons.
Bender: Aren't those the particles that destroyed an entire civiliza...
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! You're off to the Tempus Nebula to collect chronitons.

[after Fry loses basketball game to invading Harlem Globetrotters]
Leela: Way to go, Fry. Now every galaxy is gonna be cracking wise about our mothers.
[Hermes hangs his head in shame]
Hermes Conrad: I'm just glad my fat ugly mother is not alive to see this.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Enough about your promiscuous mother, Hermes.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You're THAT Bubblegum Tate?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Off you go, apparently.

"Futurama: Mother's Day (#2.19)" (2000)
Mom: You broke my heart, Hubert.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: And you broke mine. Granted, that was four or five hearts ago.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: And now I want to shout our love from the rooftops. Perhaps I'll breed some sort of albino shouting gorilla...

Philip J. Fry: We can live without machines. I was in Webelos

Philip J. Fry: You mean you and mom...
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Played pelvic pinochle? I'm afraid so.
[everyone gasps in disgust]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's a humiliating story that I hoped never to tell. Well, pull up a chair.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news! There's a report on TV with some bad news.

Mom: Darling Hubie, I should never have tried to tamper with that cute Q.T. McWhiskers.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No, it was silly of me to object. One foot tall, Eight-feet, fifteen-feet, what does it matter?
Mom: You should see the new sixteen-foot models.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Sixteen feet? Go to hell! I was a fool to think you'd changed!
Mom: Filthy toothless nerd bastard!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Damnded she-fossil!
[Mom and Professor Farnsworth passionately kiss]

Mom: What have you been up to all these years?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, inventing, sending delivery crews to their doom, breeding atomic monsters.
Mom: Honestly, Hubert. You and your atomic monsters.

Amy Wong: But the professor can't walk all the way to the Bronx. How are we going to get there without a hovercar?
Philip J. Fry: Wait. In my time we had a way of moving objects long distances without hovering.
Hermes Conrad: Impossible!
Philip J. Fry: It was called... let me think... It was really famous. Ruth Gordon had one... The wheel.
Turanga Leela: Never heard of it.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Show us this "the wheel."

Philip J. Fry: What happens if the fire goes out?
Hermes Conrad: We'll go across the street to Pottery Barn and steal their fire.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: We can use my new invention. A pointy rock tied to a stick.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Just the thought of caressing that leathery hide makes the tapioca rise in my gullet.
Philip J. Fry: Professor, please. The fate of the world depends on you getting to second base with Mom.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Very well. If cop a feel I must, then cop a feel I shall.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, Mom. I've invented a new childrens toy. I call it Q.T. McWhiskers. When you pet it, it shoots rainbows from its eyes.
Mom: Wonderful, Hubie. We'll build them eight feet tall and replace the rainbows with neutron lasers. We'll make billions on the intergalactic arms market.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: But things eight-feet tall aren't cute. That's why my Colossal Tammy Tinkle doll was such a failure.

Philip J. Fry: Hey, who's this guy?
Robot Janitor: I'm the janitor. Tryin' to take a nap, here.
Philip J. Fry: I'm sorry, I thought you were made of wax.
Robot Janitor: I *am* made of wax, what's it to you?
Philip J. Fry: I mean, I thought you were one of the wax robots.
Robot Janitor: Is there some reason a robot made of wax can't take a nap standing up in the middle of a bunch of wax robots? Or does that *confuse* you?

Philip J. Fry: Hey! The tv's getting away!

"Futurama: The Duh-Vinci Code (#6.5)" (2010)
Morbo: Silence, puny audience, and welcome to Who Dares To Be A Millionaire! Tremble at Morbo's mighty likeability, as I chitchat with our first contestant, Philip J. Fry!
[Fry is lowered on a chair; a sign reads "APPLAUD or be destroyed"]
Bender: Give 'em hell, Morbo!
Morbo: Prepare to exchange pleasantries! So, what do you do for a living?
Philip J. Fry: Uh... Let's see... Can I phone a friend?
Morbo: Chitchat achieved!
[Dramatic music plays]
Morbo: Are you ready to play!
Philip J. Fry: I didn't come to play, I came to win. Now let's play.
Morbo: For one dollar, which of these tools would you use to hammer a nail? Is it A: a hammer; B: another nail; C...
Philip J. Fry: B: Another nail! Final answer!
[Fry is lifted away]

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: He may have hidden a clue in one of his artworks. Ergo, I sent Bender to bring a copy of The Last Supper.
Bender: I'm back! Everyone at Kinko's was an idiot, so I brought the original.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: My God! DaVinci's Vitruvian Man!
Philip J. Fry: It's truly a masterpiece. Note how the perspective lines draw the eye right to his dong.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Okay, everyone into the fountain.
Bender: Are you senile? There's no way I'm getting in there.
Philip J. Fry: Hey, look. There's coins.
[Bender dives in]

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: All this knowledge is giving me a raging brainer!

Amy Wong: Spleech, Professor. Don't have a splenurism. Fry's your distant relative.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Not distant enough! I'll be a monkey's uncle before I'm this monkey's uncle.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: My God! This is the greatest mystery in history. We must go to Rome and exhume the body of Saint James.
Hermes Conrad: Didn't we used to be a delivery company?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: To the ship!

Philip J. Fry: It's an honor meeting you, Leonardo. And may I say, you were great in Titanic. The Beach... eh.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: That's Leonardo DiCaprio, you blockhead!
[Punches Fry in the stomach, recoils in pain]
Philip J. Fry: I guess eating rocks was not as dumb as you thought.

Leonardo da Vinci: Would you like to attend the lecture too, Fry?
Philip J. Fry: Nah, it would just go in one ear and out some other hole.
Leonardo da Vinci: Have a seat.
Philip J. Fry: Now that I can do.
[Tries to sit on bench, but falls on floor]

Leonardo da Vinci: I have a confession to make. In this planet, I am an idiot.
Philip J. Fry: You? Who would call you an idiot?
Biff: Duh, I'm Leonardo. I don't know the mass of the Higgs boson.
Biff's Girlfriend: I have to use a pencil because I don't know how to use rendering software.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Stop! I want in on this!
Philip J. Fry: Professor, are you crazy?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I'm tired of being called an idiot, just because everyone is smarter than me. I say kill them all! Starting with the math teacher!

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I'm sorry I insulted your intellect. Your tiny, tiny intellect. Oops, there I go again, you dope.
Philip J. Fry: Thanks. I may not be smart, but I have a good heart. That's what my mom always said.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: She was a wise woman.
Philip J. Fry: Also, she said I wasn't much to look at.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: A wise woman indeed.

"Futurama: A Big Piece of Garbage (#1.8)" (1999)
Fry: Did you build the Smelloscope?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No, I remembered that I'd built one last year. Go ahead, try it. You'll find that every heavenly body has its own particular scent. Here, I'll point it at Jupiter.
Fry: Smells like strawberries.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Exactly. And now, Saturn.
Fry: Pine needles. Oh, man, this is great... hey, as long as you don't make me smell Uranus.
Leela: I don't get it.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but astronomers renamed Uranus in 2620 to end that stupid joke once and for all.
Fry: Oh. What's it called now?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Urrectum. Here, let me locate it for you.
Fry: No, no, I, I think I'll just smell around a bit over here.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Eureka!
Fry: Did you build the smellascope ?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No. It turns out I built one last year.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Tomorrow, you'll be making a delivery to Ebola 9, the virus planet.
Hermes: Why can't they go today?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Because tonight's a special night and I want all of you to be alive. It's the Academy of Inventors annual symposium.
Fry: Wow, I love symposia!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's the event of the scientific season. Every member presents an invention. The best one wins the Academy prize.
Bender: Sounds boring.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh my, yes.

Leela: Should we really be celebrating? I mean, what if the second ball of garbage returns to Earth like the first one did?
Fry: Who cares? That won't be for hundreds of years.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Exactly. It's none of our concern.
Fry: That's the twentieth century spirit.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Behold, the death clock. Simply jam your finger in the hole, and this readout tells you how long you have to live.
Leela: Does it really work?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, it's occasionally off by a few seconds, what with free will and all.
Fry: Sounds like fun. How long do I have to live?
[sticks his finger in the hole; the professor looks and whistles]
Bender: Ooh! Dibs on his CD player!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I was inventing things before you were barely turning senile.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Now, now. There'll be plenty of time to discuss your objections when and if you return.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: A hundred years ago, he was my most promising student at Mars University. But then, after one fateful pop quiz...
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: A-minus? No one gives Ogden Wernstrom an A-minus!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I'm sorry, but penmanship counts.
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: I swear I'll have my revenge, even if it takes me a hundred years!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [back to present] And here it is, slightly over 99 years later, and still no revenge. I'm essentially in the clear.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Wernstrom!
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: The very same.

Professor Ogden Wernstrom: And what will you be presenting this evening, professor?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Let's just say it'll put you young whippersnappers in your place.
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: I just hope it's not that lame death clock you presented last year.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Uh... last year, you say?
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: That's right.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, my. Did it put you young whippersnappers in your place?
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: Hardly. We all laughed so hard our teeth fell out. Come along, Cinnamon.
[Wernstrom leaves with his fish]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, dear. I'll have to invent something new in the next ten minutes. Perhaps some sort of death clock.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Remarkable. A stench so foul it's right off the funkometer. I dare say, Fry may have discovered the smelliest object in the known universe.
Bender: Ooh! Name it after me!

"Futurama: The Tip of the Zoidberg (#6.23)" (2011)
Professor Farnsworth: Ah, Zoidberg, we've known each other so long, sometimes I don't think we need words to understand each other.
Dr. Zoidberg: What?

Dr. Zoidberg: I'm afraid Fry lost a lot of juice. He's developed Simpson's jaundice.
Philip J. Fry: Ay, carumba.
Dr. Zoidberg: His only hope is some replacement liver. Yours looks like a good match.
Turanga Leela: Well, if it'll help Fry...
Philip J. Fry: Careful Leela. He knows less about human anatomy than I do, and I can't even find my own uterus.
Dr. Zoidberg: [turns on power saw] You may feel a slight sawing.

Philip J. Fry: Oh, sure. Leela's fine. But my jaundice has progressed to Muppet gangrene. It's not easy being gangrenous.

[last lines]
Dr. Zoidberg: Ah... I was going to tan... once.
[looks dejected]
Professor Farnsworth: What do you say, Johnny? It's on me.
Dr. Zoidberg: Thank you, Hubert.
[both run around whooping]

Dr. Zoidberg: So anyway, I hope your men had all been taking their hypermalaria shots.
Professor Farnsworth: Their wha?
Dr. Zoidberg: "Their wha?"
Dr. Zoidberg: That's funny. Like a crazy old man. But you know what's not funny? Deadly Tritonian hypermalaria. Just make sure to stay away from the methane swamps.
[They land on a swamp]
Dr. Zoidberg: What smells like methane?

Philip J. Fry: Stop complaining. My body rejected your liver and now I have Garfield Syndrome. I hate Mondays.

Philip J. Fry: My God! He's like some kind of credible Hulk.

Professor Farnsworth: I saw this in a Tarzan movie. It was called "Tarzan and the Yetis." I lost my virginity while watching it, so I'm a little fuzzy on the details.

Philip J. Fry: I consider myself a reasonable man - quick with a joke, slow to anger - but Bender can't go on long car trips anymore! I say we kill Dr. Zoidberg!
Hermes Conrad: People, let's be reasonable...
[falls apart]
Hermes Conrad: Death to the crab!

Professor Farnsworth: How bad is it, Johnny?
Dr. Zoidberg: Superbad. It's Tritonian hypermalaria. Most of these men will be dead in twenty-four hours.
Sergeant: What?
Dr. Zoidberg: But not you, sir. You'll make a complete recovery and go on to marry a supermodel.
Sergeant: Ahh.
Dr. Zoidberg: Funny plague, hypermalaria. It can kill instantly, or lay dormant for decades. Then you get fever, followed by muscle spasms, insanity, coma, and finally, death.
Sergeant: Death?
Dr. Zoidberg: Supermodel!

"Futurama: Mars University (#2.2)" (1999)
[Gunther the Monkey runs away]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, I always feared he would run off like this. Why? WHY? WHY didn't I break his legs?

[Fry reveals he told Gunther the Monkey to run away]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: What? After I spent MONTHS slaving over a hot monkey brain?

Fry: Wow. The jungles on Mars look like the jungles on Earth.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Jungles? On Earth? Hahahahaha.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: But what about your superintelligence?
Gunther the Monkey: When I had that there was too much pressure to use it. All I want out of life is to be a monkey of moderate intelligence who wears a suit. That's why I've decided to transfer to Business School.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: NOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's a little experiment that might win me the Nobel Prize.
Leela: In which field?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I don't care - they all pay the same.

Fry: Very impressive. Back in the Twentieth Century we had no idea there was a university on Mars.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, in those days Mars was a dreary, uninhabitable wasteland, much like Utah. But unlike Utah, Mars was eventually made liveable when the university was founded in 2636.

Fry: Hey, professor. What are you teaching this semester?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Same thing I teach every semester. The Mathematics of Quantum Neutrino Fields. I made up the title so that no student would dare take it.
Fry: Mathematics of wonton burrito meals. I'll be there!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Please, Fry. I don't know how to teach. I'm a professor.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I arranged that you be roommates for a reason: so I would only have to remember one phone number.

Leela: So he just ran off in the middle of class?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I'm afraid so. All he handed in was a paper smeared with feces. He tied with Fry.

Fry: Very impressive, back in the 20th century we had no idea there was a university on Mars.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, in those days Mars was a dreary uninhabitable wasteland much like Utah, but unlike Utah Mars was eventually made livable.

Futurama: The Beast with a Billion Backs (2008) (V)
[from trailer]
Philip J. Fry: I'll miss you, Bender. You and your robots, take good care of Earth. Here. These are the keys to the Bermuda Triangle. Lock up when the world ends.

[from trailer]
Bender: [Fry is about to go to heaven] Wait, let me come with you.
Philip J. Fry: I'm sorry, Bender, robots don't go to heaven.
Bender: [sobbingly] Death to humans.

[from trailer]
Turanga Leela: People of everywhere, I have shocking news!
Yivo: Hey, butt out!
Turanga Leela: These aren't tentacles, they're gentacles!
Philip J. Fry: Ewwwwwww...

Philip J. Fry: What Bender? Is something wrong?
Bender: Yes. I joined the club I thought was cool. But it turned out all leaguee-weegies are totally lame. That's what we call ourselves. Leaguee-weegies.
Philip J. Fry: Oh I'm sorry. I shoud have asked what was bothering you. I've been kind of preoccupied.
Bender: With what?
Philip J. Fry: Well, I went to another Universe and fell in love with a giant octopus; and now I'm Pope of a new religion.

Dr. Zoidberg: I thought I was fighting for my freedom!
Professor Farnsworth: NO!

[Fry and Colleen are riding the 2-D Tunnel of Love]
Philip J. Fry: Wow, Colleen, you even look beautiful in *2*-D?
Colleen: I do? But from your perspective, I'm just a line segment.
Philip J. Fry: A really hot line segment.

Philip J. Fry: I don't know if I can put my heart on the line again only to have it broken and stumped on like a nerd's face.

Professor Farnsworth: Now I've often said "good news" when sending you on a mission of extreme danger; so when I say this anomaly is dangerous, you can imagine how dangerous I really think it is.
Hermes Conrad: Not dangerous at all?
Professor Farnsworth: Actually, quite dangerous indeed.
Hermes Conrad: That is quite dangerous!
Professor Farnsworth: Indeed.

Professor Farnsworth: Don't listen to a word he says!
Dr. Ogden Wernstrom: But I'm agreeing with you!
Professor Farnsworth: I'll make you eat those words!

Colleen: Sorry I've been taking up so much of Fry's time. He's just so interesting. Have you seen how much cotton candy he can eat?
Professor Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. 5.1 pounds. That's why his blood is so good on pancakes.

"Futurama: Fry Am the Egg Man (#6.22)" (2011)
[first lines]
Philip J. Fry: Run, Leela! They're bouncing right at us!

[last lines]
Philip J. Fry: One bucket of double-fried, triple-salted, boneless sheep tots, please.
Fishy Joe's Employee: What kind of cheese filling you want in that?
Turanga Leela: All kinds.
Turanga Leela: Eh, make it two. And a small whiskey. Large.

Philip J. Fry: You don't sit on something for a week without falling in love with it.

Philip J. Fry: You can't just kill somebody because they're ugly and corrosive.
Amy Wong: That's what we said about Zoidberg, and look where that got us.
Dr. Zoidberg: Amy makes a good point.

Philip J. Fry: Mr. Peppy wouldn't hurt your sheep. He's a vegetarian, and he's not even preachy about it.

Philip J. Fry: Leggo my eggo, you crabbo!

Amazonian: Hey, tiny man. You try Amazonian maple syrup?
Philip J. Fry: Sure.
[Other Amazonian wrings sap out of log and into Fry's mouth]
Philip J. Fry: Now that's the kind of sap I like.
Amazonian: You the kind of sap I like.
Philip J. Fry: I'm scaroused!

Professor Farnsworth: You're not my breakfast friends! What are you doing here?
Amy Wong: Leela is blackmailing us into eating healthy.
Professor Farnsworth: Blackmail? What does she have on you?
Hermes Conrad: As long as we eat her filthy scrambled eggs, you'll never find out.

Bender: I'm thinking of buying a yacht to house my thoroughbreds. How am I supposed to do that without smoking a cigar?
Philip J. Fry: Think of the unborn embryo!
Bender: That's what I'm calling the yacht.

"Futurama: The Sting (#5.9)" (2003)
Philip J. Fry: Why am I sticky and naked? Did I miss something fun?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: These bees are larger than most Buicks, and twice as ugly.
Fry: Larger than an American sedan? How big is the honeycomb?
Hermes Conrad: Honeycomb's big, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Bender: It's not small?
Hermes Conrad: No, no, no.

Leela: In my dream, Fry said he hid a gift for me in his locker... if it's true, then he *must* still exist in some form!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Of course he still exists... as a frozen corpse in outer space! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Huh!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I made myself sad!

Leela: Are you saying I'm going crazy?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No, no, no one's saying that. But I'm certainly thinking it loudly.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Bad news, everyone: you're not good enough for your next mission.
Philip J. Fry: Yay! Not Good enough!
Bender: We live to suck another day.
Leela: Why? Says who?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Because! Says me! This job killed my last crew.
Leela: What's the mission?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Collecting honey, ordinary honey.
Leela: That doesn't sound so bad.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: This is no ordinary honey!

Leela: [laying on a table] Is this some kind of brain scanner, Professor?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Of a sort. In France they call it a guillotine.

Leela: One spoonful to calm me down.
[Takes a spoonful of Space Honey, and drops on the couch, with her eye half-closed; sits back up loosely]
Leela: Okay... I got a pretty good calm going. Two spoonfuls to help me sleep.
[Takes a second spoonful and leans back against the couch]
Leela: Uh-oh, still awake... I guess one more spoonful couldn't hurt -
[as she reaches for the Space Honey, she knocks over the jar of Royal Jelly, spilling it all over the couch]
Leela: Oh, my gosh! I'd better get a sponge!
[the Royal Jelly is seen recombing and sliding up the couch to configure Fry's image; hysteric, Leela rubs her eye]
Leela: Fry? Is that you? I don't need a sponge!
Philip J. Fry: [Smacks his lips and opens his eyes; he moves his arm in front of him] Why am I sticky and naked...? Did I miss something fun?

Philip J. Fry: [tearfully] Just wake up, Leela. Just wake up.
Leela: [wakes up] Fry?
Philip J. Fry: Leela! You're awake!
Leela: Of course I'm awake. You wouldn't stop waking me.

Philip J. Fry: I thought if you heard a familiar voice, it might help you wake up. But who knows if it really got through?
Leela: It got through, Fry. It got through.
[hugs Fry and then whispers]
Leela: You could really use a shower.
Philip J. Fry: [whispers] You, too.

"Futurama: Reincarnation (#6.26)" (2011)
Professor Farnsworth: Wait! There's a snail on the tail of the frog on the bump of this log that I found in a hole on the bottom of the sea!

Philip J. Fry: A guy like me can't afford a diamond ring for a gal like her.
Bender: That's for sure, not on the measly salary I steal from you every week.

Philip J. Fry: All right, diamond. You won those round, but I have an ace up my hole.

Philip J. Fry: Mere words cannot express how I feel when I'm with you.
Turanga Leela: Good?
Philip J. Fry: Oh, I guess they can.

Philip J. Fry: You a peace ambassador? The list of things I know is now complete.

Professor Farnsworth: How do you people do it? How do you go on knowing there's nothing more to know?
Fry: I watch TV. It's the next best thing to being alive.

Leela: What is that box, you old witch?
Professor Farnsworth: Ha ha ha ha! I'll never tell you! It's a deep space emotion detector.

[during a poorly-dubbed anime segment]
Amy Wong: Professor, I have analyzed the movements of the aliens with this movement analyzer.
Professor Farnsworth: That device was a gift from my ancestors. Go on.
Amy Wong: It seems their movements are a form of language, rather than speaking J...
Male Dubbed Voice: ENGLISH!
Amy Wong: -like us, they communicate through dance.

Turanga Leela: Team assembled. What's that box, you old witch?
Anime Professor Farnsworth: I'll never tell. It's an emotion detector.
[all gasp]
Anime Professor Farnsworth: The detector detects that you are impressed.

"Futurama: I Dated a Robot (#3.15)" (2001)
[Fry has purchased a robotic Lucy Liu]
Fry: Did you hear that? She likes me.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well Duh, she's programmed to like you.
Fry: But this is Lucy Liu, perhaps the only good actress of the 20th century. She's more then just a piece of software.
Lucy Liu robot: Would you like to take a moment to register me?
Fry: Hmm, not right now.
Lucy Liu robot: [tussling Fry's hair] I'll remind you later, you hot stud you.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, dear, I should have shown him "Electrogonorrhea: the noisy killer" instead.

Lucy Liu-bot: You're cute!
Fry: No, you are!
Lucy Liu-bot: No, you!
Fry: No, you!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh dear, she's stuck in an infinite loop and he's an idiot! Oh well, that's love for you, I guess.

[at the edge of the universe, Fry sees alternative versions of himself and his friends on the other side]
Fry: Far out! So there really is an infinite number of universes?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No, just the two.
Fry: Oh, well. I guess that's enough.

Fry: How can you guys be so blasé? Here we are in the year three-hundred-or-so, yet you're just sitting around like it's the boring time I came from.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Boring? Wasn't that the period when they cracked the human genome, and boy bands roamed the earth?

Leela: Hey, you know what might be a hoot?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No! Why would I know that?
Leela: Let's take the rest of the morning off and take Fry to do everything he ever wanted to do.
Fry: [Alluringly] Everything?
Leela: Except that.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: On to the internet you go.
Bender: And while you're there, pick me up a few credit card numbers.

[Fry has purchased a robotic Lucy Liu]
Fry: Did you hear that? She likes me.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well Duh, she's programmed to like you.
Fry: But this is Lucy Liu, perhaps the only good actress of the 20th century. She's more than just a piece of software.
Lucy Liu robot: Would you like to take a moment to register me?
Fry: Hmm, not right now.
Lucy Liu robot: [tussling Fry's hair] I'll remind you later you hot stud you.

"Futurama: Fun on a Bun (#7.8)" (2012)
Amy Wong: Professor, where are we going?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Well, it's July, right? Let's wait three months and go to Oktoberfest.

Philip J. Fry: Bring on the beer, and the scantily-clad barmaids, and the more beer!

Philip J. Fry: I didn't know the ship had a mammoth detector.
Bender: You're drunk, Fry. This is the elephant detector. I just set it to big and woolly.

Philip J. Fry: [Leading the charge for the Neanderthals] Kill all modern humans!
Bender: Hey, these guys are all right.

Philip J. Fry: Battalion A, smash things! Battalion B, smash different things!

Turanga Leela: Oktoberfest is a celebration of how much mankind has evolved. So be on your best behavior.
Philip J. Fry: No chance! You all can act like Jersey Shore socialites, but my dear pal Bender will party with me. Right, buddy?
Bender: Whoa, whoa! I love partying as much as the next fellow, but this is Oktoberfest. Good day to you, sir.
Philip J. Fry: Ach du freakin' lieber!

Turanga Leela: Fry, is that you? I didn't recognize you with your swollen head.
Philip J. Fry: I guess the blood must have gone somewhere else.

[last lines]
Turanga Leela: It's our stupid song! Care to join me?
Philip J. Fry: No, Leela. This time I'll let you embarrass me.

"Futurama: The Deep South (#2.16)" (2000)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: This is uncomfortable and humiliating. Now if they were to make it in the form of a suppository...

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: This is the perfect chance for Fry to try out my new anti-pressure pills.
[opens a bottle and a giant pill falls out]
Fry: I cant swallow that.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, then good news. It's a suppository.

Leela: I'm afraid Fry is suffering from ocean madness.
Fry: Every time something good happens to me you say it's some kind of madness. Or I'm drunk. Or I ate too much candy. Well I saw a real mermaid. And I wish for once my friends would have decency and kindness to believe me.
Leela: [whispers] Ocean madness.
[Fry storms out]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: He may have ocean madness, but that's no excuse for ocean rudeness.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Bender, be careful! That's the ship's diamond filament tether. It's unbreakable.
Bender: Then why do I have to be careful?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It belonged to my Grandmother.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Ah, the exact center of the Atlantic Ocean. This seems like a logical place for fish to congregate.
Bender: So we're in international waters?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Indeed, so.
Bender: [speaking into a walkie talkie] Falcon, this is Blue Raven. The goose has nested. Repeat, the goose has nested.
[a man approaches on jetski; he and Bender exchange packages]
Bender: Hey, guess what you're accessories to.

Hermes Conrad: I'd love to stay, but I miss my wife and oxygen.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Yes, we all miss our loved ones and gasses.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Dear Lord! That's over 150 atmospheres of pressure!
Fry: How many atmospheres can the ship withstand?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, it's a space ship, so I'd say anywhere between zero and one.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I have made the modifications on the ships engines. We'll be able to leave as soon as the papier-mâché is dry.

"Futurama: Law and Oracle (#6.17)" (2011)
Police Recruiter: You think you can just waltz in here with no pants and become a cop?
Philip J. Fry: That's the plan.
Police Recruiter: I like you, kid. I got no pants on either.
Philip J. Fry: I can see that. You're a little bit taller than me.

[first lines]
Philip J. Fry: After centuries as a delivery boy, nothing surprises me.

[last lines]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I hereby promote you to executive delivery boy.
Philip J. Fry: Executive?
Hermes Conrad: [whispers to Leela] It's a meaningless title, but it helps insecure people feel better about themselves.
Philip J. Fry: [Matt Groening and David X. Cohen's executive producer credits fade in] I feel better about myself!

Chief O'Manahan: I'll make it short and sweet, because I'm PMSing like a lumberjack. Police academy is not easy. You're gonna get your boobs scuffed. But if you've got the vulva to stick it out, you ladies will make excellent policemen.
Philip J. Fry: Sir, yes, ma'am!

URL: What's in the box, Schrödinger?
Erwin Schrödinger: A cat, some poison und a cesium atom.
Philip J. Fry: Is the cat alive or dead? Alive or dead? Answer me!
Erwin Schrödinger: It's in a simultaneous state until you break the construct.
Philip J. Fry: We'll see about that.
[Opens box; cat jumps out and attacks him]
URL: [Looks in box] There's also a lot of drugs in there.

URL: And to think he was only a few days from retirement.
Philip J. Fry: What happened to him?
URL: He decided to take an early retirement.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: On to business.
Amy Wong: Wait, aren't you going to say "Good news, everyone"?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: That was for Fry's sake. Made the poor guy feel better about himself.

Chief O'Manahan: Congratulations on your big bust.
Philip J. Fry: Thanks. You too.

"Futurama: A Leela of Her Own (#4.10)" (2002)
Leela: I think the owner is from Cygnus 5.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Cygnoids, in our block? Fie and foo! They should go back to where they came from!
Leela: Professor. Please. Society is never gonna make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other. Now, let's go over there and make these hideous strangers feel welcome.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Why is your number 7/8?
Leela: All the whole numbers have been retired.

Philip J. Fry: Look, the players who broke the various color barriers.
Bender: When will man learn that all races are equally inferior to robots?

Philip J. Fry: Wow, I'm impressed. You look just like a ball player. Can I pat you on the butt?
Leela: Fry, I'm a professional athlete now, so go ahead.
Philip J. Fry: Aw, now I'm too nervous.

Leela: Fry, put down those binoculars. The wall of that strip club isn't going to collapse twice in one week.
Philip J. Fry: I know, and I've learned to accept it.

Hank Aaron XXIV: Okay, try it again, but this time keep your eye off the ball.
Leela: You mean keep my eye on the ball?
Hank Aaron XXIV: Hey, lady! Which one of us is in the Hall of Fame?
Philip J. Fry: Psst! You're holding the bat upside down.

Philip J. Fry: Well, I must say I'm impressed. You look just like a ballplayer. Can I pat you on the butt?
Leela: Fry! I'm a professional athlete... so go ahead.

Leela: Professor. Please. Society is never gonna make any progress until we all learn to pretend to like each other. Now, let's go over there and make these hideous strangers feel welcome.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No.

"Futurama: Rebirth (#6.1)" (2010)
[Fisrt lines of episode: Professor Farnsworth looks as if he's working on some experiment, and Fry comes in with his hair in an afro like in "Hell is Other Robots"]
Philip J. Fry: Professor, my Fry-fro's all frizzy.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Okay.
Philip J. Fry: That's all.
[slicks his hair back]
Philip J. Fry: Oh, also, I'm covered with severe burns.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: So? What of it?
Philip J. Fry: Well, why is... those things?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: You mean you don't remember?
Philip J. Fry: Nope, nothing. It's like when I passed out in college, except no one drew magic marker penises on my forehead.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Come on, stem cells, work your astounding scientific nonsense!
Philip J. Fry: Fetal stem cells? Aren't those controversial?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: In your time, yes. But nowadays... shut up! Besides, these are adult stem cells, harvested from healthy adults whom I've killed for their stem cells.

Bender: Yeah, we're back.
[All cheer]
Hermes Conrad: Sweet coincidence of Port-Au-Prince! We're back on Earth!
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Of course! That was the Panama Wormhole, the universe's central transportation channel
Dr. Zoidberg: [Chuckles] How humorous.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Yes, it's sort of a comedy central channel, and we're on it now.
Amy Wong: [after a pause] I get it!

Turanga Leela: [Wakes up from her coma] Bender, shut the hell up!
[Everyone stands shocked; Bender starts overheating]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Bender, stop shutting the hell up!

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Can you call the time and declare the patient legally dead?
Dr. Zoidberg: Can I? It's my specialty.

Turanga Leela: It's amazing. It's like I'm looking at an exact robot replica of myself.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: That is what you're looking at.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: [examining Leela] Something's wrong! She's not responding to my poking stick.

Turanga Leela: The truth is, Fry, I still have feelings for you. But are they really my feelings? Am I just an automaton or can a machine of sufficient complexity legitimately achieve consciousness?
Philip J. Fry: I agree.

"Futurama: Möbius Dick (#6.21)" (2011)
Hermes Conrad: Zoidberg was popular?
Amy Wong: Zoidberg had hair?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I never said he had hair! If you chose to imagine him that way, that's your business!

Turanga Leela: Fear not the space behemoth. In my dreams, I have peered beyond it's eye and seen the cackling hell within us all.
Philip J. Fry: Okay... that's a good point.
Bender: Fry's right! Let's kill the captain and order some strippers!
[disguises voice]
Bender: Yeah, what he said! It's a mutiny led by Fry!
Turanga Leela: That's enough insubordination, Mister Fry!
Bender: String him up!

Turanga Leela: Where are we?
Hermes Conrad: Inside the belly of the beast.
Philip J. Fry: Like that Bible guy who got swallowed by a whale... Pinocchio!

Philip J. Fry: Leela, I'm no doctor, but I'm afraid you be exhibitin' symptoms of illin.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: They haven't aged a day! The whale must have some sort of Mobius colon that endlessly recycles time and space.
Scruffy: Yup, that stands up to scrutiny.

[as the ship is being pulled into the fourth dimesion]
Hermes Conrad: I can see sideways in time! Emit ni syawedis ees nac I!
Amy Wong: Gee, I see CGI! IGC ees I eeg!
Philip J. Fry: Heh heh! Poop! Poop! Heh heh!
Bender: Aw, yeah!
[sees a conga line of Benders]
Bender: Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender! Bender, Bender, Bender!
[as they emerge out of the fourth dimension, the other Benders collapse back into the original]
Bender: Aw, that was the greatest endless bunch of mes I ever met.

Turanga Leela: I suppose you're wondering why I'm covered in whale guts.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I admit to a polite interest.
Turanga Leela: You see, first I was consumed with obsession of the whale, then I was consumed by the whale.
Dr. Zoidberg: It's clever, but that doesn't explain anything.
Turanga Leela: Shut up, Zoidberg. But under that dark obsession lay a deeper obsession, which enabled me to take control of the whale and bend it to my will
Turanga Leela: An obsession with finishing my delivery!

Futurama: Bender's Big Score (2007) (V)
[everyone is huddled in a giant rock igloo on Neptune after the scammer aliens have taken over the Earth]
Bender: Rrrrr... it's so cold, my processor is running at peak efficiency!
Leela: What are you, a whining machine? If you want to worry about something, worry about the Yetis.
Zoidberg: Jedis?
[a chorus of howling Yetis is heard from a distance]
Zoidberg: Oh... YETIS!
Professor Farnsworth: Amy - you speak Yeti - what are they saying?
Amy Wong: I'm not sure, but it sounds like something to do with... assaulting the interlopers!
[a trio of giant Yetis smashes through the side of the rock igloo; everyone screams and scatters while Leela runs towards them]
Leela: Yeee-ah! Don't mess with me you ice-crapping snow honkys. I just got dumped!
[the Yetis flee in terror as Leela chases after them with a primitive spear]
Hermes Conrad: Sweet Yeti of the Serengeti! She's gone crazy Eddie in the heady!

Professor Farnsworth: I can wire anything directly into anything! I am the Professor!

Professor Farnsworth: If Hermes were here, he'd fire you all!
Hermes Conrad: I am here.
Professor Farnsworth: Quiet, you!

Professor Farnsworth: Yes? I see.
[hangs up phone]
Professor Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Those asinine morons who canceled us were themselves fired for incompetence.
[the crew cheers]
Professor Farnsworth: And not just fired, but beaten up, too... and pretty badly.
[the crew cheers doubtfully]
Professor Farnsworth: In fact, most of them died from their injuries.
[the crew remains silent while Bender laughs evilly]
Professor Farnsworth: And then they were ground up into a fine pink powder.
Fry: Why?
Professor Farnsworth: Oh, it's got a million and one uses.
[Takes some Torgo's Powder and sprinkles it in his pants]
Professor Farnsworth: Aw, that soothes the fire.
Leela: [referring to both the numerous air conditioners and the admirers of Futurama] So what does this mean for us and our many fans?
Professor Farnsworth: It means we're back on the air!
[the crew is still silent]
Professor Farnsworth: Yes, flying on the air in our mighty spaceship!
[the crew cheers wildly]
Bender: We're back, baby!

Professor Farnsworth: I'm sciencing as fast as I can!

Professor Farnsworth: Time travel is impossible!
Fry: But Professor, you time traveled yourself. Remember? When we went back to Roswell?
Professor Farnsworth: That proves nothing! And furthermore, you'd think I could remember a thing like that! Plus, who are you anyway?

Fry: That's it. I don't see how things could get any worse
Bender: We could sing.
Professor Farnsworth: I'd rather kill myself.
Amy Wong: Why not do both?
Professor Farnsworth: Oh, very well.

"Futurama: Love and Rocket (#4.4)" (2002)
Philip J. Fry: You could have picked a better time to break up with the ship, Bender.
Bender: Ah, the moment felt right. Call me old-fashioned, but I like a dump to be as memorable as it is devastating.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Remember, we need to show these people that we are not bitter husks of human beings, who long ago abandoned hope of finding love in this lifetime. Leela, you'll have to do some acting.
Turanga Leela: Check.

Turanga Leela: She can't hear us in here, so just pretend to shower.
Philip J. Fry: Same as everyday. Got it.

Philip J. Fry: Wow! Letters like 'U' and 'R' can stand for words, like 'you' and 'are.'

Philip J. Fry: Bender, how can you be in love with the ship? It'd be like me falling in love with a really fat chick... and living inside her... and going
[imitates flying sounds]
Philip J. Fry: .
Bender: Fry, in order for me to get busy with maximum efficiency, I need a girl with a 400-ton booty.

Turanga Leela: Ugh! I can't concentrate with this obnoxious candy in my face!
Philip J. Fry: I'm on it! And maybe I'll find those magic words while I'm at it.
Turanga Leela: Fat chance.
Philip J. Fry: [Reads one] Egh, no...
[Eats it and gags softly at the nasty taste; he reads another and groans in disappointment]
Philip J. Fry: Ooh... How 'bout this one?
Turanga Leela: Give it up, Fry! I have to pop these tops in a precise order.

Turanga Leela: It worked! Gravity normal... air returning. Terror replaced by cautious optimism! We did it, Fry!
[She looks over and sees his lifeless body]
Turanga Leela: Fry?
[She sees her oxygen supply is at zero and her face mask is connected to Fry's. She gasps in alarm]
Turanga Leela: You gave me your oxygen? Oh, no! Breathe, Fry! Breathe!
[She turns him over and performs C.P.R. to revive him. While pounding his chest, he coughs and spits out a candy heart that sticks to her cheek. She sighs in relief, then takes it off and reads it aloud]
Turanga Leela: "U leave me breathless?"
[Fry smiles brightly]
Turanga Leela: Happy Valentine's Day, Fry.
Philip J. Fry: [In a wheezing voice] Happy Valentine's Day.

"Futurama: Parasites Lost (#3.4)" (2001)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: If we can stimulate that nerve, the bowel will convulse, expelling the entire worm society.
Hermes Conrad: But what about the worms in the other parts of his body?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Listen, this is going to be one hell of a bowel movement. Afterwards he'll be lucky if he has any bones left.

[the gang are operating microscopic VR robots of themselves. Their mission is to enter Fry bowels and rid him of parasitic worms]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: In each Gastro Survival Kit, you'll find a rain slicker, a disposable Fun Camera and something to protect you against bacteria, a harpoon!

Bender: Yo, old guy. Why do we need to use those tiny microdroids? Can't you just shrink us?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, my, no. That would require extremely tiny atoms, and have you priced those lately? I'm not made of money. Leave me alone!

Bender: Where are we? The ass?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: We're in the heart, better known as the love muscle.
Dr. Zoidberg: Where the food is digested.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [whispers] Shh, be very quiet. We're in the ear.
Amy Wong: [whispers] Okay, Professor.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: WHAT?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Brace yourselves, everyone. We're entering the interior of Fry's nose.
Bender: We're at finger alert five, people.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: If we don't get rid of the worms now, they'll burrow so deep in the bowel that not even Hermes' famous jerk prunes couldn't dislodge them.
Hermes Conrad: I call it Caribbean drain-o.

Futurama: Bender's Game (2008) (V)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Just knowing we're in the same genus makes me embarrassed to call myself homo.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [the Planet Express ship has been seriously damaged in a demolition derby] Yes, she's a wonderful ship, all right - as beautiful now as the day I got botched laser eye surgery.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I'm sure I don't need to explain that all dark matter in the universe is linked in the form of a single non-local metaparticle.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: There's just one small problem - and it's a big one.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Greedy old hag! Taste the wrath of my fuzzy slipper!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Wait. Before my moment of shame, could I give my boy a hug?
[stares at Igner]
Mom: Oh, go ahead. I've never done it, I guess somebody should.

The Great Wizard Greyfarn: Yes, tis a powerful object in both our worlds. If you fail to destroy it in yours, perhaps you were brought here that you might have have a second chance!
Frydo: So this land is real?
The Great Wizard Greyfarn: Oooh dreadfully real. If you die here you'll really be dead. But instead of science, we believe in crazy hocus-pocus. It's like Kansas.
Leegola: God help us.

"Futurama: The Farnsworth Parabox (#5.10)" (2003)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's the Apocalypse all right. I always thought I'd have a hand in it.

Turanga Leela 1: Fine, you be crummy Universe "A", and we'll be Universe "1".
Philip J. Fry 1: Yeah, or the Mongooses, that's a good team name. "The Fighting Mongooses."

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Hermes! Don't press that button!
Hermes Conrad: [short pause] Okay!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [while in a parallel universe, watching two Leelas fight] Now, now, perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything.

[the lab is collapsing]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Buddha! Zeus! God! One of you guys help me! Satan, you owe me!

[the lab is collapsing]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Buddha! Zeus! God! Somebody help me! Satan, you owe me!

"Futurama: Attack of the Killer App (#6.3)" (2010)
Bender: This looks like a good place to ditch some evidence.
[Opens bin, finds Flexo inside]
Bender: Flexo! What are you doing in a hazardous waste bin?
Flexo: Didn't you hear? Us bending units are dangerously outdated. We overheat, we're radioactive, we cause erectile dysfun...
[Bender closes bin]
Prof. Hubert Farnsworth: Bender, who were you talking to?
Bender: No one! Your momma! Shut up! Take your pick.

Philip J. Fry: I thought we were buying our eyePhones online.
Turanga Leela: We are on line.
Philip J. Fry: But I thought the Mom store was across town.
Amy Wong: It is across town.
Philip J. Fry: But I thought...
Bender: Stop thinking, Fry!

Philip J. Fry: I feel like a mindless zombie. I wish I knew how long we've been waiting.
Dr. Ben Beeler: The new eyePhone has an app for that.
Bender: Does it have an app for kising my shiny metal ass?
Dr. Ben Beeler: Several.
Bender: Ooh!

Philip J. Fry: That was low, Bender, even by your standards.
Bender: My what, now?
Philip J. Fry: Since when is the internet about robbing people of their privacy?
Bender: August 6, 1991.

Hermes Conrad: Play it one more time.
Prof. Hubert Farnsworth: No. It's humiliating and degrading to Leela. Play it ten more times.

Turanga Leela: What stinks? Were you rolling around in New Jersey?
Philip J. Fry: I knew I could never make it up to you, so I did the next best thing. I put myself through the same humiliation I put you through.
[Plays video of him diving into the pool of goat puke; the board breaks and he lands next to the pool, then falls in]
Turanga Leela: Aw, you didn't have to do that.
Philip J. Fry: I didn't? Damn!
Turanga Leela: Don't worry. By tomorrow, no one will remember.
Philip J. Fry: Can I have another hug?
Turanga Leela: No.
Susan Boil: Oh, hold yer nose and give it a go.

"Futurama: Benderama (#6.15)" (2011)
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Everyone, look at my latest invention.
Dr. Zoidberg: Okay.
Amy Wong: I like how it's not killing us so far.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh, God. We've opened Pandora's fly. They'll reproduce without limit, consuming all the matter in the world!
Philip J. Fry: Like the Kardashians!

Philip J. Fry: Man, I wish we had a robot to do stuff.
Bender: I know, right?

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Bad news, everyone. Look at this infinite series representing the mass of successive generations of Benders.
[Shows hologram of equation, everyone gasps in horror except Fry]
Philip J. Fry: Don't wait for me.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: It's nonconvergent!
Philip J. Fry: [alarmed] Oh, dip!
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Unless we quickly exterminate them, they'll replicate ad infinitum, consuming all the matter on Earth!

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I was lying here snoozing, dreaming, oddly enough, about bathing in champagne with six of the world's most distinguished scientists, when suddenly I realized my bathwater has been transformed into alcohol.
Bender: Alcohol?
[Tastes water from brush]
Bender: Oooee!
[Picks up bathtub and drinks from drain]
Philip J. Fry: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!
Bender: It's like fine cognac with a hint of aged scrotum.

Philip J. Fry: [slurring drunkenly] Blunder, you're the only one who's sober. You gotta do something.
Bender: Haven't I done enough already?
Philip J. Fry: Please, stop the monster. Just do that one thing.
Bender: Make it zero and you've got a deal.
Philip J. Fry: What if I folded the Professor's sweaters for you?
Bender: Both of them? You mean you'll do two things and I only have to do one thing?
Philip J. Fry: Yeah, to save the world.
Bender: [chuckling to himself] Sucker.

"Futurama: Anthology of Interest II (#4.3)" (2002)
[the Professor is The Wizard of Oz, Zoidberg is the Cowardly Lion]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: What do you nice kids want?
Dr. Zoidberg: Nothing. I'm leaving. But if you had extra courage I'd haul it away for you, maybe.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh blithery poop, my cowardly lobster. You don't need courage. After all, who needs courage when you have a gun?

Richard Nixon's Head: Good evening, ignorant pigs. Put down your crack pipes and your beer bongs and pay attention, as I sign a historic peace accord with ambassador Kong of planet Nintendo 64.
Fry: Wait a second, I know that monkey, his name is Donkey!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Monkey's aren't donkeys, quit messing with my head!

Fry: [Bender is a massive glob of flab. Fry waves his hand in front of Bender's eyes] He's dead.
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: When did he die?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [checks Bender's pulse] Hmm. About 12 hours ago when the party started.
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: But he just said, "Woooo!"
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No, that was air escaping from the folds of his fat.
[shoves a glob of fat on Bender]
Bender: [his fat] Woooo!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: And as for you, my young lad, all you need is a brain.
Fry: Why does everyone keep saying that?

Richard Nixon's Head: Good evening, ignorant pigs. Put down your crack pipes and your beer bongs and pay attention, as I sign a historic peace accord with ambassador Kong of planet Nintendu 64.
Fry: Wait a second, I know that monkey, his name is Donkey!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Monkey's aren't donkeys, quit messing with my head!

Fry: [Bender is a massive glob of flab. Fry waves his hand in front of Bender's eyes] He's dead.
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: When did he die?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [checks Bender's pulse] Hmm. About 12 hours ago when the party started.
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: But he just said, "Woooo!"
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No, that was air escaping the folds in his fat.
[shoves a glob of fat on Bender]
Bender: [his fat] Woooo!

"Futurama: In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela (#6.2)" (2010)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I don't like the looks of this V-GINY.

Hermes Conrad: So you're saying this thing is censoring planets?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Indeed. And we're next if we don't keep in in our collective pants. The only way to save Earth is to convince its citizens to repent their sinful ways.
Amy Wong: [Wearing S&M gear] So the orgy is off?

Dr. Zoidberg: Sure, but who is foolish enough to fly into what we all keep calling a death sphere?
Richard Nixon's Head: I say Brannigan.
Zapp Brannigan: I say no.
Turanga Leela: I say me.
Richard Nixon's Head: I say Leela.
Philip J. Fry: I say no!
Turanga Leela: I say me, again.
Zapp Brannigan: And I shall join you.
Turanga Leela: But it's a one-man ship.
Zapp Brannigan: And there'll be only one man. How would you feel about me sitting tailgunner with you?
Turanga Leela: Totally creeped out.
Zapp Brannigan: Then it's settled!

Philip J. Fry: Leela should have come back by now. I wonder if she's okay?
Bender: You never ask me if I'm okay. I'm feeling a little neglected here.
Philip J. Fry: I'm sorry, Bender. How are you?
Bender: Shut up!

[as Leela and Zapp have sex]
Philip J. Fry: For God's sake! Censor it! Censor it!
V-Giny: Approved for all audiences!
Philip J. Fry: Nooooo!

Philip J. Fry: The adult bookstore? I thought this was the public library.
Bender: Nope. Pubic Library.

"Futurama: The Series Has Landed (#1.2)" (1999)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Now that you're our new employees, I'd like you to have a look at our commercial. I paid to have it aired during the Super Bowl.
Fry: Wow.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Not on the same channel, of course...

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Ah, to be young again. And also a robot.

[about Dr. Zoidberg]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Now Fry, before you go into space you'll need to see our staff doctor. I should warn you though, he's a little... um, unusual
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: He wears sandals.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Ah, to be young again... and also a robot.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Takes Bender's head off for cleaning] My goodness, Bender. You're filthy.
Bender: Yeah, like you don't have crap in your neck.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, dear. I really ought to do something. But I am already in my pajamas.

"The Simpsons: Simpsorama (#26.6)" (2014)
Professor Frink: Professor, y-you're a fellow man of science. Maybe if we teamed up, we could, uh, figure something out.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Okay. Ih, but remember, to me, you're incredibly stupid.

Lisa Simpson: All we have to do is dig up the time capsule!
Turanga Leela: And bury Bart in the hole!
Marge Simpson: I thought people in the future would be more full of peace and love. Like in Epcot Center.
Turanga Leela: In our time, Epcot Center is a work farm for the weak.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh, but it's not as crowded as the slave-labor camps at Universal Studios.
Marge Simpson: Hmmm...

Lisa Simpson: I can't believe you're all giving up without a fight.
Turanga Leela: Lisa, we're just a package-delivery service.
Philip J. Fry: And not a very good one!

Philip J. Fry: Wow! It's working! I guess the instructions were in English.

Lisa Simpson: Professor Farnsworth, I'd like to know how you got here. Was it a time machine?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Little girl, time machines are physical impossibilities. We teleported through a singularity that I quantum entangled to Bender under the guise of fixing his collar.
Professor Frink: Yes, but how did Bender get here?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: With a time machine.
Lisa Simpson: But you just said that...
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Sample's ready!

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone!
Philip J. Fry: [Whispers to Marge] That means it's bad.

"Futurama: Godfellas (#4.8)" (2002)
Philip J. Fry: You can't lose hope when it's hopeless. You gotta hope more, then put your fingers in your ears and go, "Blah! Blah! Blah! Blah!... "

[Prof. Farnsworth is searching for Bender with his Smelloscope]
Leela: Anything yet, professor?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I'm afraid the Smelloscope can't locate Bender. His fragrance is too mild. It's being overwhelmed by local sources.
[Everyone looks at Zoidberg]
Dr. Zoidberg: Hooray! People are paying attention to me.

Leela: Space pirates!
Philip J. Fry: Space pirates?
Leela: You know, pirates, but in space!

Philip J. Fry: Looking for God. That's important, yeah. But you know what might be a treat for everyone? If you let me use the telescope to look for my friend Bender.
Monk #1: I don't know what to say, other than... absolutely not! Sure, your loss is a tragedy, but our work...
Philip J. Fry: Come on, you guys have forever to find God. All I'm asking is one measly lifetime to find my friend.
Monk #2: Master, he speaks out of love for his friend. Perhaps that love in his heart is God.
Monk #1: Oh, how convenient! A way of looking for God that doesn't require looking through a telescope. Get back to work!

Philip J. Fry: Bender, you're alive!
Leela: This is by a wide margin the least likely thing that has ever happened.
Bender: Guys, you'll never believe what happened! First I was God, then I met God!
Philip J. Fry: We climbed a mountain and locked up some monks.
Leela: Oh, no, the monks! We forgot to let them out of the laundry room.
Philip J. Fry: Do we have to? They're monks, after all. I'm sure their God will let them out, or at least give them more shoes to eat.
Bender: Fat chance! You can't count on God for jack! He pretty much told me so Himself. Now, come on. If we don't free those monks, no one will.

Philip J. Fry: So that's my story, Father Changstein el Gamahl. Is there anything religion can do?
Father Changstein el Gamahl: Well, we could join together in prayer.
Philip J. Fry: Uh-huh, but is there anything useful we can do?
Father Changstein el Gamahl: No.

"Futurama: Bendless Love (#3.6)" (2001)
Turanga Leela: Guidance system?
Bender: Online.
Turanga Leela: Automatic pilot?
Automatic Pilot: Present.
Turanga Leela: Dark matter indicator?
Philip J. Fry: Making a noise.
Turanga Leela: All systems operational. Let's rock.

Turanga Leela: My God! Even the professor is bent!
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Thank you for your sympathy, talking square of linoleum.

Philip J. Fry: Professor, I've never seen you so cheerful. What the hell's wrong with you?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Hmm, I'm not quite sure. Perhaps seeing things from a new perspective has reminded me of life's beauty. Or perhaps my new posture is causing blood to pool in the back of my brain, resulting in a slight delirium. Incidentally, you have a dime up your nose.
Philip J. Fry: I wish. It's a nickel.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [about his much younger girlfriend] Some people think I'm robbing the cradle, but I say she's robbing the grave.

Philip J. Fry: [to Bender, watching surveillance tape] Wait, there on the screen! It's that guy you are!

Turanga Leela: [Picks up L-shaped piece of metal] This is a normal L-unit. Without it, space travel is but the fevered dream of a madman.
Philip J. Fry: Yep.
Bender: Of course.
Amy Wong: Doy!
Hermes Conrad: It's an important unit.
Turanga Leela: And this, my friends, is the L-unit just removed from the ship.
[Unveils a straightened piece of metal; all gasp]
Philip J. Fry: That doesn't look like an L at all. Unless you count lower-case.
Bender: You know we don't!
[Slaps Fry]
Turanga Leela: Whoever did this was strong. This is 340 pounds of Tonka tough steel.
Bender: [Picks up L-unit] Hmmm, it should look like this...
[Bends into L shape]
Bender: ... but instead it looks like this.
[Straightens it out again]
Philip J. Fry: Who would do such a thing?
Bender: Who *could* do such a thing? And by that I mean this.
[Bends L-unit back and forth]
Dr. Zoidberg: Well, gang, it looks like we have another mystery on our hands.

"Futurama: Jurassic Bark (#5.2)" (2002)
[the Professor is about to revive Fry's fossilized dog]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Let this abomination unto the Lord begin!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: In cases of rapid fossilization, I can press this brain scan button retrieving Seymour's memories at the precise instant of doggy death.
Fry: [ecstatic] I'm gonna get my puppy back. In your face Grim Reaper.
Bender: [jealous] Crappy, ineffective Reaper...

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [when everyone, despite the professor's objections, seems intent on leaping into a lake of lava to rescue Fry's dog] Professor! Lava! Hot!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Seymour is about to be cloned; the scanner reveals his species and the age when he died] Interesting... It seems Seymour died at the ripe old age of fifteen.
Fry: Fifteen? You mean... he lived for twelve more years after I got frozen?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Nods] Indeed.
Fry: [pauses] Stop the cloning.
[Everybody exclaims in confusion; Fry then takes a large wrench and hammers it against the machine, halting the cloning process]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Crosses his arms] Oh, sure! Smash the *smart guy's* machine...
Bender: Fry, what's wrong?
Fry: Think about it: Seymour lived a full life after I was gone... He probably even added new songs to his repertoire.
Bender: But that's a good thing. "Walkin' On Sunshine" sucks noodles.
Fry: I had Seymour 'till he was three. That's when I knew him, and that's when I loved him... I'll never forget him...
[Picks up the fossil and looks into its apparent eyes]
Fry: But he forgot me a long, long time ago...
[Kisses his dog on the head, places him on the broken machine, casts a last look of good-bye, and leaves]

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [the cloning process has started. Seymour is zapped by the machine and his DNA is extracted. "Species: Canis Familiaris. Age: 15" is displayed on a screen] Interesting... It seems Seymour died at the ripe old age of fifteen.
Fry: Fifteen? You mean... he lived for 12 more years after I got frozen?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Indeed.
Fry: [pauses] Stop the cloning.
[He picks up a spanner and hits the Clone-O-Mat with it, wrecking the machine and abruptly stopping the cloning process]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Crosses his arms] Oh, sure! Smash the smart guy's machine!
Bender: Fry, what's wrong?
Fry: Think about it: Seymour lived a full life after I was gone... He probably even added new songs to his repertoire.
Bender: But that's a good thing. Walking On Sunshine sucks noodles!
Fry: I had Seymour till he was three... That's when I knew him, and that's when I loved him.
[He picks up Seymour's fossil and looks into his apparent eyes]
Fry: I'll never forget him... But he forgot me a long, long time ago.
[He kisses Seymour's fossil and places him on the alter of the machine; he walks away, while casting a final farewell gaze before leaving the room entirely]

"Futurama: Lethal Inspection (#6.6)" (2010)
Bender: Dying sucks butt! How do you living beings cope with mortality?
Turanga Leela: Violent outbursts.
Amy Wong: General sluttiness.
Philip J. Fry: Thanks to denial, I'm immortal.

Philip J. Fry: This is every bit as fun as the real Civil War.
Turanga Leela: Not the Civil War, Private. We're re-enacting the Sith Wars.
Philip J. Fry: Sith? What the Hoth?

Bender: So what could have caused that leak? A heat fracture, on account of I'm so hot?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I'm afraid not. Oh, Bender, you have a fatal defect.
Bender: Ah, fatal, schmatal! I'll just download a wireless backup copy of me into an equally fabulous body.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: That's just it. You can't! You were built without a backup unit.
Bender: There's no backup copy of me?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: That's what I just said, you mortal coil.
Bender: So if I die...
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: You die. Or as you put it...
[Blows raspberry]

Bender: Oh, no, they've killed me! Put me in my Sunday best and stick me in a box. Now they're lowering me into the cold, cold ground. Oh, here come the worms! Ha ha ha ha!
Philip J. Fry: You wouldn't be laughing so hard if you were really dead.
Bender: Nu-uh, because in case you didn't know, I'm a robot.
Philip J. Fry: So? You could die if something heavy fell on you, like a church.
Bender: My backup unit makes a backup copy of me every day, so if something happens to my body, I just download that copy into another body. I'm immortal, baby!
Amy Wong: What? Then how come you scream every time there's danger?
Bender: I didn't say I wasn't a drama queen.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I have pain in joints I had removed years ago. Bender, could you get me my soft chair with the wheels?
Bender: You mean your wheelchair?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: No, not my wheelchair. The one with the wheels.

"Futurama: A Farewell to Arms (#7.2)" (2012)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: What an idiot I was! And by "I", I meant "you"!

Philip J. Fry: [as his pants fly away on the weather balloon] My lucky pants!
Bender: They don't look so lucky to me.
Philip J. Fry: They are too lucky! I was wearing them when I found a dime in my ear, when I got a free subscription to Redbook, and when I first met Leela.
Turanga Leela: Aw. Also, Oh lord!
Philip J. Fry: Also, they're my only pants.
Bender: You wore the same pants for a thousand years? No wonder they made a run for it.

Philip J. Fry: No one messes with my pants, not even the Holy One, blessed be He.

Turanga Leela: Well, it wasn't a bad life. If only I could get back that time I spent watching Tron: Legacy.
Philip J. Fry: Leela, I swear I'll make it up to you. I don't know how, but I'll find every copy of that movie and destroy it. Sure, it might take a few hours...

Philip J. Fry: Scruffy, do you have any varmint grease?
Scruffy: What viscosity do you need?

"Futurama: The Day the Earth Stood Stupid (#3.7)" (2001)
[everyone on Earth except Fry is moronically stupid]
Fry: What are we going to do?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery.
Amy Wong: No, let's buy internet stock.
Dr. Zoidberg: On margin. Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
Hermes Conrad: [holding a board in front of his face] Look at me. I'm invisible.
Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
Bender: Hey, let's all join the Reform party.
Everyone: Yeah.

Leela: [hands Fry a note] This. You for this.
Fry: Thanks.
[blows nose on note, then throws it in fireplace]
Leela: No!
[reaches into fire]
Leela: Ow! Fire hot!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: The professy will help.
[reaches into fire]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Ahh! Fire indeed hot!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Zooka Barooka! First prize is $500 and a lifetime supply of dog food.
Bender: $500, you say?
Dr. Zoidberg: Dog food, you say?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. We were supposed to deliver a package to the planet Tweenis 12, but it's been completely destroyed.
Leela: Why is that good news?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: They paid in advance.

[Everyone on Earth except Fry is moronically stupid]
Fry: What are we going to do?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Duh, I know, let's play the lottery.
Amy Wong: No, let's buy internet stock.
Dr. Zoidberg: On margin. Zoidbee wants to buy on margin.
Hermes Conrad: [holding a board in front of his face] Look at me. I'm invisible.
Fry: Wait a minute, I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots.
Bender: Hey, let's go join the Reform party.
Everyone: Yeah.

"Futurama: When Aliens Attack (#2.3)" (1999)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Most video tapes from that era were damaged in 2443, during the second coming of Jesus.

Amy Wong: There, how do I look?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Like a cheap French harlot.
Amy Wong: [disappointed] French?

Fry: It's crazy. How could they even know about a show from 1,000 years ago?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, Omicron Persei Eight is about 1,000 light-years away... so the electromagnetic waves would just have gotten there. You see...
Fry: [interrupting the Professor] Magic... Got it.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Most video tapes were damaged in 2047 during the second coming of Jesus.

"Futurama: All the Presidents' Heads (#6.20)" (2011)
[first lines]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Remember when you asked to see my family tree?
Leela/Bender/Zoidberg/Hermes/Amy/Fry: [all respond simultaneously] No.

[last lines]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: From Chester A. Arthur to Chester Z. Arthur, they're all here. Our republic, and the Farnsworth family name are saved. And no one will ever know.
[camera pans to collection of historical American flags, including one with Bender that reads "Bite my fhiny metal aff". Bender laughs evilly]

Philip J. Fry: Where are we? Also, when are we?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Manhattan, 68th and Broadway, Colonial times.
[Camera pulls back to show them standing on an empty field, as a cow walks down a road]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Rush hour.

Philip J. Fry: [about a piece of currency being fake] Duh! It says Colony of Maffasuchets.
Bender: [Snorts] More like Tax-a-ffusechets.
Benjamin Franklin: That's just how we print the s's, you ftupid fhitheads!

"Futurama: That Darn Katz! (#6.8)" (2010)
Professor Morris Katz: I will now introduce the members of your judging committee in descending order of grumpiness. Professor Ogden Wernstrom...
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Wernstrom!
Professor Morris Katz: Downtown professor of applied physics, Ethan "Bubblegum" Tate...
Ethan 'Bubblegum' Tate: It says here in your curriculum vitae that you're a Sagittarius.
Professor Morris Katz: Professor Fisherprice Shpeekenshpell...
Professor Fisherprice Shpeekenshpell: The cow says "Moo!"
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: He's proven that fifty years ago, and he's been coasting on it ever since.
Professor Morris Katz: And I am Professor Morris Katz, and you are wasting my time. Procede.

Nibbler: Can we at least know what you're doing down there?
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: We're certainly not building something sinister, if that's what you're implying. Come on, Bender. Something sinister won't build itself.

Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: You have a bright future ahead of you, Amy. As sure as the sun sets in the east.

Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Amy, technology isn't intrinsically good or bad. It's all in how you use it, like the death ray.

"Futurama: I Second That Emotion (#2.5)" (1999)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Now I'll simply tune it to Leela's emotional frequency.
[Professor Farnsworth adjusts the empathy chip]
Bender: My God. I'm overcome with feelings. I'm experiencing a powerful yearning to... to cram my gullet full of mackerel heads.
Dr. Zoidberg: That's me, baby.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Hmmm.
[Professor Farnsworth readjusts the chip]
Bender: Now I'm worried I'm not as smart as Leela, but at the same time, I feel relieved I'm cuter than her.
Amy Wong: Uuh, that's me.
Fry: [Whispering to Amy] Thanks for covering.
Bender: This time, I miss Nibbler, and I'm feeling nosy and opinionated.
Amy Wong: Bingo.
Hermes Conrad: That's Leela.

Bender: Hey. What are you doing with my head?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I need to tinker in it.
Bender: Why don't you just use a potted plant like Fry?

Leela: I wish just once Bender could feel exactly what I feel.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Actually, through the miracle of science, that can be arranged.
Fry: Uh-oh. Is this gonna be one of those crazy experiments that crosses a line man was not meant to cross?
[Professor puts his index and thumb close together in the "a little" sign]

Dr. Zoidberg, Amy Wong, Hermes Conrad, Leela, Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [singing] What is today?/ It's Nibbler's birthday/ What a day for a birthday/ Let's all have some cake.
Fry: And you smell like one too!

"Futurama: Cold Warriors (#6.24)" (2011)
[first lines]
Yancy Fry, Sr.: Double time, soldier. I want this ice fishing operation up and running by 0800 hours.
Philip J. Fry: [shivers] It's too cold, Dad. My teen region is freezing off.
Yancy Fry, Sr.: [blows raspberry] You don't know what cold is. I once survived an entire week trapped in a Swiss glacier eating nothing but frozen Neanderthal. To this day, I can't stand the taste of early hominid.

Philip J. Fry: Help! I'm drowning!
Yancy Fry, Sr.: Don't worry, son. You'll freeze before you drown.

Mr. Panucci: [Back in 1988] Hey, Barack! Pizza goin' out. Come on!
Barack Obama: Man, I've got to go back to law school.
Philip J. Fry: Pffft! I'm not gonna wind up a loser like that guy.

Yancy Fry, Sr.: You still haven't thanked me for pulling you out of the lake, soldier.
Philip J. Fry: I could have flip-flopped out.
Yancy Fry, Sr.: I know that. I know I give you the business sometimes, but if I'm hard on you it's only because I want you to grow up strong and resilient. Someday, you may face adversities so preposterous, I can't even conceive of them. But I know you'll pull through and make me proud. I love you, son. Now, bundle up. I don't want you getting frozen.

"Futurama: Ghost in the Machines (#6.16)" (2011)
Bender: You think robot life is worth less than human life, don't you?
Philip J. Fry: No, no. Well, actually yes.

[first lines]
Hermes Conrad: Listen up people. As long as nothing happens for the next 15 minutes, our insurance will be reinstated. So, let's just sit quietly and run out the clock.
[sits down]
Hermes Conrad: [brief pause while the group sits quietly]
Amy Wong: [stands, screams in terror, and points] A giant sausage!
[All yell in terror]
Hermes Conrad: [gets up and flails arms] Oh, God, no! Get out of here you horrific sausage!
Turanga Leela: Wait! Isn't today the parade? It's just a giant balloon.
Philip J. Fry: Giant balloon?
[grips chair and screams in terror]

[last lines]
Philip J. Fry: Hey, wait. Did you haunt me?

Philip J. Fry: Heroes don't do drugs. Except Drug Man, I guess.

"Futurama: Bender Should Not Be Allowed on TV (#5.15)" (2003)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Those ruffians smoked one of your cigars.
Hermes Conrad: That's not a cigar... and it's not mine.

Cubert J. Farnsworth: Hey, dad. Bite my shiny, metal ass!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: What? Such an act would be most uncomfortable for both of us.

Fry: What kind of bozos would form a Bender protest group?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! Hermes and I have formed a Bender protest group.
Dr. Zoidberg: That was uncanny.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: There'll be no further nasty! We still have the option of resorting to violence.
Hermes Conrad: What makes you think that'll work?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I saw it on TV in that episode where Bender shot Calculon. How cool is that?

"Futurama: Brannigan, Begin Again (#2.6)" (1999)
Leela: What are we delivering?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Something without which no ribbon-cutting ceremony could proceed: the ceremonial oversized scissors.
Leela: We'll get them there as quickly as we can.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: All right, but don't run with them.

[Zapp Brannagin and Kif have been hired by Planet Express]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Who are the new people again?
Hermes Conrad: Da' green dude and da' fat man.

Fry: DOOP? What's that?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's like the United Nations from your time, Fry.
Fry: Huh?
Hermes Conrad: Or like the Federation in your Star Trek show.
Fry: Oh, I see.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I'd like everyone to meet our new employees!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [to Hermes] Farnsworth: Which ones are new?
Hermes Conrad: The green dude and the fat man.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [looking at Bender] I could swear I've never seen that robot before, either.
Bender: I'm Bender, the lovable rascal!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh yes, yes! My good friend, of course.
[makes confused gesture]

"Futurama: Raging Bender (#2.12)" (2000)
[a brain parasite that was attached to Fry's head is found dead]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Poor little fella. Died of starvation.

Bender: Leela, you gotta help me.
Leela: If you wouldn't take my help when you didn't need it, why should I give it to you now, when you do need it?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: What the hell are you talking about?
Leela: I don't know, but I'm not helping.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news everyone, I've taught the toaster to feel love.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Sitting on the front row, staring at the wall under the screen] Down in front!

"Futurama: A Tale of Two Santas (#4.2)" (2001)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: That bloodthirsty cadaver junkie can't touch us as long as we're not stupid enough to leave this building.
[All cheer]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: In a related matter, you'll all be delivering a sack of children's letters directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.

Turanga Leela: Remember, professor. Bender is Santa. You don't need to hurt him.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Yes, yes, yes. You sound like a broken mp3.
Bender: Ho, ho...
[Professor shoots Bender]
Bender: Ow!
Turanga Leela: Professor, don't you remember what I told you?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No!

Fry: Wait a second. Maybe your futuristic Xmas isn't so rotten after all.
Turanga Leela: What are you talking about, you crouton? You said so yourself. Xmas should be about bringing people together, not blowing them apart.
Fry: But don't you see? Fear has brought us together. That's the magic of Xmas.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: That's a big crock of...
[explosion outside]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Hold me!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Now, that evil robot Santa can't get to us here, unless any of us are stupid enough to leave this house. In a related matter, you'll all be delivering a sack of children's letters directly to Santa at his death fortress on Neptune.

"Futurama: Crimes of the Hot (#5.1)" (2002)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: A billion robot lives are about to be extinguished. Oh, the Jedis are going to feel this one.

Fry: Professor, you're a professor. You must have some ideas.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Absolutely not! I won't speak! I've got nothing to hide!
Al Gore: Our next speaker is professor...
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I demand the floor!
Al Gore: Yes, it is your turn to speak.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Well, nuts to me! I'm taking the stage!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I know the source of the greenhouse gasses, but in my shame I kept it secret for 75 long years. Oh, it haunts my memories still!
[aims a gun at his head]
Fry: Professor, no! Don't do it!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Don't do what? Don't use this memory ray so I can remember what happened back then?
[fires memory ray]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It was October 17th at 1:54 PM, and fourteen birds were flying by the window...

Mom: What was that?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: A flaming burp.
Mom: Does it always do that?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It's not always a burp.

"Futurama: Bend Her (#5.13)" (2003)
Philip J. Fry: Who do I root for? America, or one of those countries I learned about at the food court?

Bender: Professor, make a woman out of me.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh, I think we should just stay friends.

Philip J. Fry: I can't watch this 'cause it's creepy and wrong and sick. However, I will watch out of curiosity.

Calculon: [On TV, reenacting the wedding] Coilette, your death fills me with sorrow... anger, fear. Every emotion an actor can dislay.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: [to everyone watching TV] Turn off that crap-o-rama! One mistake now, and Bender will be trapped forever between the already ill-defined robot sexes.
[Uses a hammer and a chisel on Bender]
Bender: Oh! Ooh! Ow! Ooh!
Philip J. Fry: Well, Bender, I hope this has taught you a lesson about changing your sex to win five gold medals.
Bender: [Soft voice] It truly has. My romance with Calculon has shown me a lot about myself.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: [Still hammering on Bender] Almost done.
Bender: [Continuing in a soft voice] If only somehow, some way...
[Normal voice returns]
Bender: he and I could drive to Vegas pick up some floozy-bots and void their warranties all night long! Whoo!
[Sits up and rips wedding dress off]
Philip J. Fry: Yay, my buddy's home! And his respect for women is back to normal.

"Futurama: Xmas Story (#2.8)" (1999)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [addressing Hermes] You should be ashamed of yourself, Fry. You'd have to be blind not to notice Leela's a Cyclops.
Hermes Conrad: Frys over the there, Mon!
[Points in Fry's direction]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [explaining why palm trees are used as Xmas trees] Pine trees have been extinct for 800 years, Fry. Gone the way of the poodle and your primitive notions of modesty.
[disrobes, standing completely naked]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Ah. Brisk.

Amy Wong: He knows when you are sleeping.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: He knows when you're on the can.
Leela: He'll hunt you down and blast your ass / From here to Pakistan.
Dr. Zoidberg: Oh...
Hermes Conrad: You better not breathe / You better not move
Bender: You're better off dead, / I'm tellin' you, dude.
Fry: Santa Claus is gunning you down!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Perhaps some skiing will help us forget the moldy old antics of Conan O'Brien.
Fry: Yeah!
Leela: Great idea!
Dr. Zoidberg: One can only hope.

"Futurama: Space Pilot 3000 (#1.1)" (1999)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [after taking a DNA test with Fry] By God I am your nephew! This is absolutely incredible!
Bender: Can we have some money, now?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh my no.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Would you three by chance be interested in joining my new spaceship crew?
Bender: New crew? Well, what happened to the old crew?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, those poor sons of bi... But that's not important.

Fry: Are we going to fly all over space, fighting monsters and teaching alien women how to love?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: If by that you mean delivering cargo, then yes. It's a little home business I started to fund my research.
Fry: Cool. What's my job gonna be?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You're gonna make sure the cargo reaches its destination.
Fry: So, I'm a delivery boy?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Exactly.
Fry: All right! I'm a delivery boy!

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I am already in my pajamas.

"Futurama: A Head in the Polls (#2.7)" (1999)
Fry: You look different. Did you get a haircut?
Bender: No! I sold my body.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Sold your body? Oh, Bender, I've been down that road. I know it's glamorous and the parties are great, but you'll end up spending every dollar you make on jewelry and skintight pants.

Fry: Professor, when did you become so obsessed with voting?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: The very instant I became old.

Fry: If I were registered to vote, I'd send these clowns a message by staying home on election day and dressing up like a clown.
Turanga Leela: You're not registered?
Fry: Nope. Not vaccinated, either. Besides, it's not like one vote ever made a difference.
Turanga Leela: That's not true. The first robot president won by exactly one vote.
Bender: Ah, yes. John Quincy Adding Machine. He struck a chord with the voters by pledging not to go on a killing spree.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: But, like most politicians, he promised more than he could deliver.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: The problem with both parties is that they want to give your tax dollars to the less fortunate.
Fry: The less fortunate get all the breaks!

"Futurama: I, Roommate (#1.3)" (1999)
[Bender's antenna is affecting the TV reception in his apartment]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Obviously your thoughts are being transmitted on the same frequency.
Tennant with Cell Phone: They're on my cell phone too.
Bender: Madame, I believe you're mistaken
Bender: [voice from cell phone] Wow, that lady's got a huge ass.
Bender: [spoken] Those could be anyone's thoughts, fat-ass.

[Fry ate an alien mummy thinking it was jerky]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: My God, this is an outrage! I was going to eat that mummy.

[the Professor is on the phone]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh how awful. Did he at least die painlessly?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: To shreds you say, tsk tsk tsk. Well, how's his wife holding up?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: To shreds, you say.

"Futurama: The Luck of the Fryrish (#3.10)" (2001)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Shut up friends. My internet browser heard us saying the word Fry and it found a movie about Philip J. Fry for us. It also opened my calendar to Friday and ordered me some french fries.

Dr. Zoidberg: So the clover is still in the hiding place, maybe?
Fry: Hey, yeah! Maybe it's still there, underground in the ruins of Old New York, helping some ant defeat another ant, or helping some piece of dirt turn its luck around.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Dirt doesn't need luck.

Race Announcer: It's a dead heat! They're checking the electron microscope. And the winner is number three in a quantum finish!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: No fair! You changed the outcome by measuring it!

"Futurama: Leela's Homeworld (#4.5)" (2002)
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone! You all know the orphanarium where Leela grew up?
Fry: Sure. We talk about it all the time.
Leela: Really?
Fry: No. Burn!

Hermes Conrad: I order you to dispose of that toxic waste properly or bribe me. Either way, it'll cost you $500.
Bender: 500 real dollars? That's an outrage! Professor, I can take care of that waste for only $499 and one hundred cents.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Hmm, I know that's a rip, but I'll pay for the convenience.

Fry: Isn't that the machine that makes noses?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: It can do other things. Why shouldn't it?

"Futurama: The Honking (#3.1)" (2000)
Robot Villager #2: With all your modern science, are you any closer to understanding the mysteries of how a robot walks and talks?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Yes, you idiot! The circuit diagram is right here on the inside of your case.
[Opens the panel on robot's chest]
Robot Villager #2: [closes panel] I choose to believe what I was PROGRAMMED to believe!

Bender: I got a good vibe from this place. Nice, long dinner table; quiet, well behaved spiders; graveyard adjacent; Yep, this is going to be... Aah!
Leela: What is it?
Bender: That painting! The eyes are watching me!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: It has motorized sensors attached to motion detectors.
Bender: So does my butt, but I don't frame it and put it on the wall. Although...

Robot Villager #1: Some say unholy things happen up there.
Robot Villager #2: For example, all of us say that.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Pfft! Supersticious robot mumbo-jumbo!
Robot Villager #2: Mumbo, perhaps. Jumbo, perhaps not.

'Futurama' Returns (2007) (V)
Philip J. Fry: Where is everyone?
Turanga Leela: Amy? Hermes?
Bender: That professor guy? That crawfish thing? This stinks! I demand a hero's welcome after 72 network episodes!
Philip J. Fry: Network episodes?
Turanga Leela: That's what we call the deliveries we made for the Box Network, a division of 20th Century Box.
Bender: And by my count, we did 72 primetime network episodes!
Philip J. Fry: Primetime?
Turanga Leela: That's what we call deliveries between 8 and 11 pm. Or 7 and 10 on Sundays.
Bender: And we made exactly 72 network primetime Emmy-winning episodes!
Philip J. Fry: Emmy winn-?

Turanga Leela: Hey, something's coming at us!
Bender: What's wrong, Big Boots?
Turanga Leela: We got snagged on a cable operated by the Carton Network! It's pulling us into a vortex!
Philip J. Fry: Do something! I hate vortexes!
Bender: It's *vortices,* meatbag!
Philip J. Fry: I hate *them,* too!

Bender: Just tell us what's happening!
Turanga Leela: We've gone back to December 31, 2999. We're about to re-live the last five years all over again!
Philip J. Fry: I've got a strange feeling...
Turanga Leela: Déjà vu?
Philip J. Fry: Leela! Now's not the time to come on to me in French.

"Futurama: The Mutants Are Revolting (#6.12)" (2010)
Philip J. Fry: Poor Leela. I feel like I ruined her life.
Hermes Conrad: You did ruin her life!
Philip J. Fry: You might be right, Hermes.
Hermes Conrad: I am right!
Philip J. Fry: I almost feel like we should do something.
Hermes Conrad: We should do something!
Philip J. Fry: I don't care what you say, Hermes! Let's go!

Dr. Zoidberg: Everyone debone a bunk and get some shut-eye.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Zoidberg, show some respect! This is a sacred shrine to the thousands who lost their lives.
Amy Wong: Hey, I found a safe!
[Cut to Farnsworth trying to open the safe with a skull]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: It's coming loose! Hand me more of that cruise director.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: The original passenger manifests.
Hermes Conrad: Spreadsheets were so elegant back then.

"Futurama: 30% Iron Chef (#4.11)" (2002)
Bender: Fleeing somewhere?
Philip J. Fry: With you blocking the only escape route? Don't be silly.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Good lord! According to the spetrolyzer, Spragel's secret ingredient was... water! Ordinary water!
Philip J. Fry: Ah, so the real gift Spragel gave you was confidence. The confidence to be your best.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Yes, ordinary water, laced with nothing more than a few spoonfuls of LSD.
Bender: The important thing is, by my standards, I won fair and square. Now, who wants brunch, cooked with plenty of "confidence"?

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: It's a perfect scale model of the universe's largest bottle. I put a tiny spaceship inside to keep it from being boring.

"Futurama: Proposition Infinity (#6.4)" (2010)
Dr. Zoidberg: [while inspecting Amy's engagement ring from Bender] Such a stone! Is it real?
[Amy carves a circle in Zoidberg's shell]
Dr. Zoidberg: Hooray!
Professor Farnsworth: Hooray denied! Need I remind you that robosexual marriage is illegal?
Turanga Leela: Not in Space Massachusetts.
Bender: You mean Space Tax-achusetts? No chance, judge-pants! We're gonna fight to legalize it right here!
Hermes Conrad: Ya mon! Ya got to legalize it!
Amy Wong: We're talking about robosexual marriage.
Hermes Conrad: We're talking about lots of stuff.

[Getting ready to capture a tornado]
Turanga Leela: Is everybody in position?
Amy Wong: What?
Dr. Zoidberg: is someone talking?
Turanga Leela: Okay, good. On three. One...
Hermes Conrad: What did she say?
Turanga Leela: Two...
Bender: Wait! I'm not in position!
Turanga Leela: Three!
Dr. Zoidberg: I'm ready for the countdown!
Turanga Leela: I'm not hearing anyone! Abort mission!
Philip J. Fry: She said go!

Professor Farnsworth: A pair of deviant robosexuals? Not under my roof!
Bender: What about on the roof?
Professor Farnsworth: Get your mind out of the gutter!
Bender: What about in the gutter?

"Futurama: Anthology of Interest I (#2.20)" (2000)
Professor Farnsworth: Oh. You've killed me! You've killed me!
Leela: Oh God! What have I done?
Professor Farnsworth: I just told you. You've killed me!

Hermes Conrad: We're jerked! Nothing can stop a monster that big.
Professor Farnsworth: Nothing except an even more equally big monster.

Professor Farnsworth: Who else has a question for the What-If machine? Scruffy, Fry?
Fry: Uh, I have a question. What if Bender was really giant?
Leela: You idiot! We already saw that!
Fry: I know, I liked it. I want to see it again.
Professor Farnsworth: We're not seeing it again! Ask something less stupid.
Fry: Oh alright, how about this. What if I never fell into that freezer doodle and came to the future jiggy?
Professor Farnsworth: That question is less stupid, though you asked it in a profoundly stupid way. What if Fry never came to the future?

"Futurama: The Cryonic Woman (#3.3)" (2000)
Fry: So you're saying these aren't the decaying ruins of New York in the year 4000?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You wish. You're in Los Angeles.
Fry: But there was this gang of ten-year-olds with guns.
Leela: Exactly. You're in L.A.
Fry: But everyone is driving around in cars shooting at each other.
Bender: That's L.A. for you.
Fry: But the air is green and there's no sign of civilization whatsoever.
Bender: He just won't stop with the social commentary.
Fry: And the people are all phonies. No one reads. Everything has cilantro on it...

Hermes Conrad: Dating your ex Fry? Have you lost all self respect?
Fry: All what?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: This can only end badly Fry. Kids, a house...
Bender: A home invasion by a former room-mate.
Fry: But things are different this time. Before she was demanding and possessive. But now she wants me to do stuff and stay with her all the time!

Leela: Please, Professor... give us our jobs back. We deserve another chance.
Bender: Yeah. And if you won't give me another chance perhaps you'd give one to...
[Puts on the gorilla mask]
Bender: Og. Gorilla Emperor of Earth.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Sorry, Og. But I've got a new crew.
[to Hermes, Amy and Zoidberg, who are coming out of the ship]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: So, how was your delivery to Fantasy Planet where everyone's fantasies come to life?
Amy Wong: Great.
Hermes Conrad: Organized.
Dr. Zoidberg: For one beautiful night I knew what it was to be a grandmother. Subjugated, yet honored.

"Futurama: Fry and the Slurm Factory (#2.4)" (1999)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: What are those horrible creatures?
Glurmo: They're the Grunka-Lunkas. They work at the factory.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them!

[Bender is sick]
Amy Wong: You should try homeopathic medicine, Bender. Try some zinc.
Bender: I am forty percent zinc.
Amy Wong: Then take some echinacea, or St. John's Wort.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Or a big, fat placebo. It's all the same crap.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Who are those horrible orange creatures over there?
Glurmo: Why, those are the Grunka-Lunkas. They work here in the Slurm factory.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Tell them I hate them.

"Futurama: Overclockwise (#6.25)" (2011)
Cubert Farnsworth: Hey, pigs.
URL: Does Cubert Farnsworth live here?
Cubert Farnsworth: You're porking at him.
Smitty: Then you are under arrest for violation of a Momcorp licensing agreement.
[Cuffs Cubert, who squeals like a pig]
Professor Farnsworth: What's all this oinking about? Who called the fuzz?
URL: Does this child have a legal guardian?
Professor Farnsworth: You're porking at him.
URL: Then these charges apply to you too.
Professor Farnsworth: Wha?

Professor Farnsworth: Oh, my god! I clicked on something I didn't read!
Cubert Farnsworth: And I slightly modified something I own!
Professor Farnsworth: We're monsters!

Philip J. Fry: Hello? Is anyone in here?
Bender: Fry?
Philip J. Fry: Bender? Are you in here?
Bender: In here is the only place I'm not. Mwa-ha-ha-ha! Mwa-ha-ha-ha! I amuse myself.

"Futurama: A Bicyclops Built for Two (#2.13)" (2000)
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Good news, everyone. Several years ago I tried to log on to AOL, and it just went through.

Reverend Preacherbot: Does anyone have a reason why this couple shall not be joined in the irrevocable shackles of holy bliss?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Saving a race of one-eyed monsters? Who could object to that?

"Futurama: A Fishful of Dollars (#1.6)" (1999)
Turanga Leela: You're Fry's relative. Do you have any idea how he got so crazy?
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Uh, what? Oh, yeah, they say madness runs in our family. Some even call me mad. And why? Because I dared to dream of my own race of atomic monsters, atomic supermen with octagonal shaped bodies that suck blood...

Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: I'm sorry, Fry, but anchovies went extinct in the 2200s.
Fry: Wha?
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: Oh, my, yes. Fished out of existence... just about the time your people arrived on Earth, Dr. Zoidberg.
Dr. Zoidberg: I'm not on trial here.
Fry: So, none of you have ever had anchovies? Oh, man! You don't know what you're missing. They were salty and oily and melted in your mouth...
Dr. Zoidberg: Okay, okay! I admit it! My people ate them all! We kept saying one more couldn't hurt, and then they were gone! We're sorry!

"Futurama: The Silence of the Clamps (#6.18)" (2011)
Billy West: Sorry mister, but I'm no Bender. I'm just a simple farmer. Name's Billy West.
Philip J. Fry: [laughs] "Billy West". What a stupid, phony, made up name.

[first lines]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Who likes good news?
[everyone raises their hand]
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Everyone? Then, good news everyone! Our next delivery isn't to some dangerous outer space planet. It's to earth.
Philip J. Fry: Earth is dangerous. I fell off my chair there once.
[falls off chair]
Philip J. Fry: Ow! Quit it, earth!

"Futurama: A Flight to Remember (#2.1)" (1999)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Thank God there're plenty of escape pods. We won't have to dress up like women and children.
[Camera pulls back to show Farnsworth dressed in a kid's sailor outfit and holding a lollipop]

Fry: Don't cry, Bender. No one really knows what happens in a black hole. She could still be alive in another dimension somewhere. Right, professor?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Oh, sure. Absolutely.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [Whispers to Zoidberg] Not a chance.
[Mimes slashing his throat and being hanged]

"Futurama: The Thief of Baghead (#7.4)" (2012)
Bender: So what you're saying is that their souls were stolen?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Souls? Pfft! It's their life forces that were stolen! It's scientific!
Bender, Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: That's why the robit is immune, maybe? Because he has no soul.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Life force!

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: The attention Landgon Cobb is receiving is inflating his ego. It's going totally Kanye!
Dr. Zoidberg: There's a humongous fungus among us.

"Futurama: Spanish Fry (#5.12)" (2003)
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Bunk! Bunk, I say! Bring me a bag full of Bigfoot's droppings or shut up!
Ranger Park: I have the droppings of someone who saw Bigfoot.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Shut up!

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Don't tell me you believe in Bigfoot, you blithering ninny-hammer.
Fry: Of course I do. Bigfoot's my hero. Growing up, he was the celebrity I most identified with.
Dr. Zoidberg: Why?
Fry: 'Cause he was a loner who hated the popular monsters, yet longed to be one.
Dr. Zoidberg: I can so relate to that.

"Futurama: How Hermes Requisitioned His Groove Back (#2.14)" (2000)
Professor Farnsworth: You can't just waltz into the Central Bureaucracy. It's a tangled web of red tape and regulations. I've never been, but a friend of mine went completely mad trying to find the washroom there.
Leela: Then we'll need a guide, someone who's been there before.
Professor Farnsworth: Oh, I've been there. Lots of times.
[laughs maniacally]

Professor Farnsworth: Dammit, Hermes, just jump already! Stop hogging that healthy liver.

"Futurama: The Route of All Evil (#5.3)" (2002)
Cubert J. Farnsworth: [speaking into a device that makes his voice sound like Professor Farnsworth] Good news, everyone! I'm a horse's butt!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I am? That's not good news at all!

Dr. Zoidberg: What is this? Angry shouting or hearing-aid-busted shouting?
Hermes Conrad: I'm afraid it's both.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: [shouting] What?

"Futurama: Lrrreconcilable Ndndifferences (#6.11)" (2010)
Philip J. Fry: I don't want my comic picked apart by nerds. I'm taking it to a comic book convention.

Philip J. Fry: Mr. Aragonés, I've been a fan of your cartoons, and your moustache.
Sergio Aragonés: Take it. It has brought me nothing but misery.
[Fry yanks off moustache]
Sergio Aragonés: Ay, ay, ay!
Philip J. Fry: I want you to take a look at my comic book.
Sergio Aragonés: Señor, anyone who still draws comic books is a hero to me.
[Reads it]
Sergio Aragonés: It stinks. But I do like the little doodles on the margins.
Philip J. Fry: Oh, that's just some relish from a hot-dog I found.

"Futurama: Bender Gets Made (#2.17)" (2000)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Holy zombie Jesus!

Philip J. Fry: It's funny, Bender. With you sick and Leela blind, only I know what really went on out there. Maybe someday I'll tell you the whole story.
Bender: And maybe someday I won't listen.

"Futurama: Viva Mars Vegas (#7.11)" (2012)
Professor Farnsworth: God didn't get to be God by giving his money away.

Dr. Zoidberg: But what about the hero of our story? Will I be invisible forever?
Professor Farnsworth: No, just until you take a bath and wash off all this invisible ink.
Dr. Zoidberg: So forever.

"Futurama: The Bots and the Bees (#7.1)" (2012)
Bev: Hey, folks. What can I get ya?
Philip J. Fry: Hey, it can talk. Shut up and give me a Slurm Loco.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: I hate to crush a young robot's dream, but what the heck. This robot only has one expansion slot, and it holds his memory card. This robot will never bend.
Bender: You can't tell me what my son can and cannot do! You may know what's in his head, but not what's in his heart.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: [Looks in Ben's chest cavity] No expansion slot in there either.
Bender: I said shut up!

"Futurama: Bendin' in the Wind (#3.13)" (2001)
[looking over an old Hippy Volkswagen bus]
Amy Wong: This speedometer only goes up to 80. This thing can't go faster than 80,000 miles an hour?
Fry: No, it can't. But it's got a driver's side floor and an eight-track player with genuine mono sound.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Where's the device that lets to speed up or slow down the passage of time?
Fry: [pulls out a bong] Under the seat.

Fry: She just needs some gas.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Wrong again, idiot. There is no gas. Petroleum preserves went dry in 2038.
Leela: Gas was an environmental disaster, anyway. Now we use alternative fuels.
Fry: Like what?
Leela: Whale oil.

"Futurama: Where the Buggalo Roam (#4.6)" (2002)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: That sounds very dangerous. Someone could get killed.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Fry, Leela, Bender...
Bender: [shaking fist] Damn you, old man!

Inez Wong: Everyone okay? No one considering lawsuit?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Hmm, I might have mental anguish.
Leo Wong: I'll have you know I'm friends with every judge in planet.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I'm okay, then.

"Futurama: Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch (#5.5)" (2003)
Amy Wong: You're going to Nigel 7? Kif's on patrol near there, you could drop me off on the way!
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: We could but we won't. It's a spaceship damn it! Not a prom limousine!
[angry rant]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: If anyone needs me I'll be in the Angry Dome.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Even I laughed at me when I invented this alien cross-species genetic analyzer, but I guess I showed myself.

"Futurama: The Lesser of Two Evils (#2.11)" (2000)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Everyone into bed with me. I have something to show you. Feast your eyes on *this*
[Everyone gasps]
Leela: It's beautiful!
Amy Wong: And huge!
Fry: Can I touch it?

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Everyone get in bed with me. I have something to show you
[everyone gets in bed]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Feast your eyes... on *this*!
[everyone gasps]
Leela: It's beautiful!
Amy Wong: And huge!
Fry: Can I touch it?

Futurama (2003) (VG)
Professor Farnsworth: ...that's why you have to find us some dark matter, Leela.
Leela: But I'm no playable character!
Professor Farnsworth: Now you are!
Leela: In your face, non-playable characters!

Philip J. Fry: Oh, Professor! Here's the hammer I died getting for you.
Professor Farnsworth: Er, Wha? Oh, you can keep that piece of junk! I only made you look for it to get you out of my metaphorical hair!

"Futurama: Less Than Hero (#5.6)" (2003)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news anyone! The Swedish robot from pi-kea is here with the super collider I ordered.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Bad news, nobody! The super-collider super-exploded. I need you to take it back and exchange it for a wobbly CD rack and some of those rancid meatballs.

"Futurama: The Problem with Popplers (#2.18)" (2000)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Hey! Unless this is a nude love-in, get the hell off my property!
Free Waterfall Junior: You can't own property, man.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I can, but that's because I'm not a penniless hippie.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: My God, they're back! We're doomed!
Amy Wong: Doomed!
Bender: [Deep inhale] Dooooooo...

"Futurama: Insane in the Mainframe (#3.12)" (2001)
Turanga Leela: I'm going to remind Fry of his humanity, the way only a woman can.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: You're going to do his laundry?

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Ow. That's going to bleed when my heart beats.

"Futurama: Why Must I Be a Crustacean in Love? (#2.9)" (2000)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: We - by which I mean you - will have to rush him to his ancient home world, which will soon erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex.
Fry: Oh, baby! I'm THERE!
Leela: Fry, do you even understand the word "invertebrate"?
Fry: Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in.

Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You must take him to his ancient home world, which will soon erupt in an orgy of invertebrate sex.
Fry: Oh baby. I'm THERE.
Leela: Fry, do you even understand the word "invertebrate"?
Fry: Nope, but that's not the word I'm interested in.

"Futurama: Zapp Dingbat (#7.5)" (2012)
Philip J. Fry: Are you sure you won't go to your mother's wedding? There'll be fish or steak circle one.

"Futurama: The Birdbot of Ice-Catraz (#3.9)" (2001)
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Being a captain is about intuition and heart. A good captain can't have either one. That's why cold, logical Bender is the perfect candidate for the job.
Bender: Well, I do think of human life as expendable.

"Futurama: War Is the H-Word (#3.2)" (2000)
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Now, be careful, Fry. And if you kill anyone, make sure to eat their heart to gain their courage. Their rich, tasty courage.

"Futurama: A Pharaoh to Remember (#4.7)" (2002)
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Your basic bending unit is made of an iron-osmium alloy, but Bender was different. Bender had an 0.04% nickel impurity.
Bender: It's what made me me.

"Futurama: Three Hundred Big Boys (#5.11)" (2003)
Obese young woman: It's better for us to be just ourselves. You, wrinkle as a prune.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You, fat as the queen of sea cows.
Obese young woman: I love you!

"Futurama: Neutopia (#6.14)" (2011)
Turanga Leela: Well, it was a lot of hard work, but it beats posing in skimpy, demeaning outfits.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Here are your skimpy, demeaning stewardress uniforms.

"Futurama: Hell Is Other Robots (#1.9)" (1999)
[Bender has joined the Church of Robotology]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: If only he had joined a mainstream religion, like Oprahism, or Voodoo.

"Futurama: Meanwhile (#7.26)" (2013)
Philip J. Fry: I want this diamond right here.
Ultra Guy: Classy choice, Chief. She'll crap her pants.

"Futurama: The Prisoner of Benda (#6.10)" (2010)
Philip J. Fry: So Leela's all crotchety because she thinks I don't like her in the Professor's disgusting body.
Hermes Conrad: You do, don't you?
Philip J. Fry: Of course, but I was willing to lie about it. What more can a man do?
Hermes Conrad: You could switch your mind into a gross, disgusting body, give her a toke of her own medicine.
Philip J. Fry: Of course! But it would have to be a really disgusting body.
Dr. Zoidberg: Friends, look! I have barnacles in my tuckus.
Hermes Conrad: The long search is over.

"Futurama: Naturama (#7.13)" (2012)
Philip J. Fry: [as Hubert and Mom mate] Should we be watching this? It seems kind of personal.
Bender: That's not an issue for us. We're wildlife.
[Hubert starts moaning loudly]
Philip J. Fry: What about the moaning? Should we be listening?
Turanga Leela: Yes, but don't act like you're listening. Pretend you're eating some seeds.
Philip J. Fry: Should I be okay with his weird turtle penis?
Bender: Yep.

"Futurama: Fear of a Bot Planet (#1.5)" (1999)
Leela: Wait a minute. We know they hate humans, but how do they feel about humanoid aliens?
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: They're not fans.

"Futurama: That's Lobstertainment! (#3.8)" (2001)
Philip J. Fry: Well, we missed the premiere, and we're gonna die. Might as well enjoy the sights.
[a Neanderthal skeleton floats past the window]
Philip J. Fry: Oh, my God! Sylvester Stallone!

"Futurama: Love's Labours Lost in Space (#1.4)" (1999)
Computer: This is Vergon Six.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: This is Vergon Six.
Amy Wong: Buh...

"Futurama: My Three Suns (#1.7)" (1999)
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Good news, everyone.
Bender: Uh-oh. I don't like the sound of that.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: You'll be making a delivery to the planet Trisol.
Bender: Here it comes.
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: A mysterious world in the darkest depths of the Forbidden Zone.
Bender: Thank you, and good night.
Leela: Professor, are we even allowed in the Forbidden Zone?
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: Why of course. It's just a name, like the Death Zone, or the Zone of No Return. All the zones have names like that in the Galaxy of Terror.

"Futurama: The Devil's Hands Are Idle Playthings (#5.16)" (2003)
[during Fry's opera]
Professor Hubert Farnsworth: I can't believe the devil is so unforgiving.
Dr. Zoidberg: I can't believe everybody's just ad-libbing!

"Futurama: Future Stock (#4.9)" (2002)
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: This is not a business. I always thought of it more as a cheap source of labor, like a family.

"Futurama: 31st Century Fox (#7.12)" (2012)
Turanga Leela: I'll hold the ice-cream, while you jump over the fence.
[Fry and Bender jump the fence, Leela follows]
Philip J. Fry: Where's the ice-cream?
Turanga Leela: [Mouth full of ice-cream] There was a bear.

"Futurama: Obsoletely Fabulous (#5.14)" (2003)
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: Ladies and gentlemen, my killbot has Lotus Notes and a machine gun. It is the finest available.
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Like fun it is, you glass-headed wallaby!
Professor Ogden Wernstrom: No one calls me that! I'm having at you!
Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth: Wernstrom!
[They fight]
Farnsworth Killbot: Such senseless violence.
Wernstrom Killbot: Come on, let's go for a paddle-boat ride.

"Futurama: Free Will Hunting (#7.9)" (2012)
Professor Hubert J. Farnsworth: A robot free will unit? Impossible! And even if it were possible, which it's not, it would still be inconceivable. Which it is!