Lt. Kif Kroker
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Quotes for
Lt. Kif Kroker (Character)
from "Futurama" (1999)

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"Futurama: A Flight to Remember (#1.10)" (1999)
[when Zapp altered the Titanic's route to make it more "interesting"]
Lt. Kif Kroker: [as asteroids are flying by the bridge] Do you remember that "course correction" you made, sir?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: [meaning it] No.

Captain Zapp Brannigan: Kiff, I'm feeling the "captain's itch".
Lt. Kif Kroker: I'll get the powder, sir.

Kif Kroker: Captain, may I have a word with you?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: No.
Kif Kroker: It's an emergency, sir.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Come back when it's a catastrophe.
[a huge rumbling is heard]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Oh, very well.

[Zapp Brannigan has just piloted the Titanic straight into the path of a black hole]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Don't blame yourself, Kif. We were doomed from the start. I guess all that remains now is for the captain to go down with the ship.
Lt. Kif Kroker: That's surprisingly noble of you, sir.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: No, it's noble of you, Kif. As of now, you're in command. Congratulations, Captain.
[Zapp runs off]

Lt. Kif Kroker: [Captain Zapp Brannigan wants to change the flight course] This is a pleasure cruise. Our path is decided by the travel agency.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: That's for schoolgirls. Now here's a course with some chest hair.
[Draws a meandering line on the chart]
Lt. Kif Kroker: But that leads us straight through a comet field.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Ah, yes. Comets, the icebergs of the sky. By jackknifing off one after another at breakneck speed, we can create a gravity boost, or something.

Captain Zapp Brannigan: Kif, I'm feeling the Captain's Itch.
Kif Kroker: I'll get the powder, sir.


"Futurama: Love's Labours Lost in Space (#1.4)" (1999)
Kif Kroker: The jackass wants to see you in his quarters.
Leela: Good. This will be my chance to reason with him, captain to captain.
Kif Kroker: He also requests that you wear this.
[Kif holds up a skimpy costume. Leela ignores it and knocks on Zapp's door]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: [sexily] Come and get it!

Captain Zapp Brannigan: Captain's journal. Stardate: uhhh...
Kif Kroker: April 13.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: April 13... point two.

Captain Zapp Brannigan: As my protégé you should know that the only way to deal with a female adversary is to seduce her.
[Kif groans]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: This time we are sure she's a woman, right?
Kif Kroker: *Yes*.

Captain Zapp Brannigan: Captain's log. Stardate: 3000.6.
Kif Kroker: Who are you talking to?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: You, Kif. Aren't you writing this down?


"Futurama: Where the Buggalo Roam (#4.6)" (2002)
[the group is trying to get a herd of Buggalo out of a volcano]
Lt. Kif Kroker: Ok, the dynamite's in place.
Amy Wong: Are you sure there's no other way to get the Buggalo out?
Turanga Leela: Not unless your parents have thousands of helicopters at their disposal.
Amy Wong: Well, actually...
Bender: Too late, this is more fun.
[He detonates it]

Captain Zapp Brannigan: Now remember Kif, the quickest way to a girl's bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you're in.
Kif Kroker: Well, sir, I'm a little nervous about meeting her parents.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Of course you are. You're meek and uninteresting.

Turanga Leela: Okay, my turn to tell a ghost story. Once, there was this woman driving...
Fry: Hook on the hand!
Lt. Kif Kroker: Okay, I've got one. This family...
Fry: Man in the attic!
Turanga Leela: Fine, Mister Know-It-All-About-Something-Finally. You tell a story.
Fry: With pleasure. Once, not far from here, four people set out on a cattle drive...
Bender: Robot gets bored and kills Fry with a hammer! I'm sorry. Go on.

[the group is trying to get a herd of Buggalo out of a volcano]
Lt. Kif Kroker: Ok the dynamite's in place.
Amy Wong: Are you sure there's no other way to get the Buggalo out?
Turanga Leela: Not unless your parents have thousands of helicopters at their disposal.
Amy Wong: Well actually...
Bender Bending Rodriguez: Too late this is more fun
[He detonates it]


"Futurama: War Is the H-Word (#3.2)" (2000)
Kif Kroker: Mix these mixed nuts. I see two almonds touching.

Captain Zapp Brannigan: I'm de-promoting you, soldier. Kiff, what's the most humiliating job there is?
Kif Kroker: Being your assistant.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Wrong. Being *your* assistant.

Leela: You know, Zapp, someone ought to teach you a lesson.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: If it's a lesson in love, watch out. I suffer from a very sexy learning disability. What did I call it, Kiff?
Kif Kroker: Ugh... sexlexia.


"Futurama: Zapp Dingbat (#7.5)" (2012)
Zapp Brannigan: [Zapp and Kif are negotiating a peace treaty with the Carcarons] Now watch, Kif, as I score a diplomatic coup by congratulating the Admiral in his native tongue.
Kif Kroker: The last time you tried that, the Mexican restaurant declared war on us. I beg you, just use the translator.
Zapp Brannigan: Kif, just trust me for once.
[Grunts something in Carcaronese]
Universal Translator: I want to slap your sister with a slice of bologna.
Zapp Brannigan: Uh... Oops!
[the Carcarons aim their weapons at Zapp, who uses Kif as a shield]
Kif Kroker: It's the battle of Paco's Tacos all over again!

Zapp Brannigan: Kif, we're under attack and the wedding's off. Return fire and the cake.
Kif Kroker: Our defense systems are disabled and you can't return ice-cream cakes. We're doomed!


"Futurama: When Aliens Attack (#2.3)" (1999)
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Our mission is clear: destroy all alien lifeforms.
Kif Kroker: Umm, not me sir...
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Right. Nobody destroy Kif. Unless you have to.

Captain Zapp Brannigan: [huge spaceship appears] What the hell is that thing?
Kif Kroker: It appears to be the mothership.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Then what did we just blow up?
Kif Kroker: [looks on map] The Hubble Telescope.


"Futurama: That Darn Katz! (#6.8)" (2010)
Kif Kroker: Your place or mine?
Amy Wong: Both, but first here.
[They start making out on the floor]
Kif Kroker: Ooh, my!
Hedonismbot: Ooh, room for one more?

Amy Wong: [Steps on green puddle] Ew, Kif! Did you yack on the floor?
Kif Kroker: [the puddle] Yes, I did.


"Futurama: Amazon Women in the Mood (#3.5)" (2001)
Leela: [Leela, Amy, Zapp and Kiff have just crashlanded on some planet] What planet is this, anyway?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: I don't know. This entire sector is uncharted.
Kif Kroker: It is not uncharted, You lost the chart!

Leela: What is this planet?
Captain Zapp Brannigan: I don't know. This whole area is uncharted.
Kif Kroker: It's not uncharted. You lost the chart.


"Futurama: Brannigan, Begin Again (#2.6)" (1999)
Captain Zapp Brannigan: One day, a man has everything. Then the next day, he blows up a billion dollar space station. And then the next day, he has nothing. Makes you think, huh, Kipp?
Kif Kroker: No, it doesn't.

Captain Zapp Brannigan: One day, a man has everything. Then the next day, he blows up a billion dollar space station. And then the next day, he has nothing. Makes you think, huh, Kif?
Kif Kroker: No, it doesn't.


"Futurama: Kif Gets Knocked Up a Notch (#5.5)" (2003)
Kif Kroker: Amy, my love! Is it really you, or have I gone crazy from loneliness?
Bender: Both!

Kif Kroker: Leela must have impregnated me when she touched my ungloved hand. That explains the poster in hygiene class: No Glove, No Love.


"Futurama: A Taste of Freedom (#5.4)" (2002)
Captain Zapp Brannigan: You can't be too careful with these codes. Rumor has it a double agent is aboard this very ship.
[Stares at Kif]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: I'm watching you. You, ensign. What's your name?
Hugh Man: [Clearly a Decapodian in disguise] Hugh Man, sir.
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Hugh Man? Now that's a name you can trust. Run down to the central battle computer and enter these codes. Chop, chop!
[Gives the codes to "Hugh", who scuttles out of the bridge]
Kif Kroker: Um, sir, there's something about that ensign that's...
Captain Zapp Brannigan: You're damn right there is. That strapping young lad is gunning for your job, and he just might get it.
["Hugh" is seen out the window on a shuttle flying to the Decapodian ship]


"Futurama: Fun on a Bun (#7.8)" (2012)
Zapp Brannigan: Look at those primitive Neanderthals down there. Loading their silly catapult with... what is that, Kif?
[a saber-tooth cat flies through the window and attacks Zapp]
Kif Kroker: It appears to be a saber-tooth cat, sir.


"Futurama: Benderama (#6.15)" (2011)
Zapp Brannigan: Hey, freakshow! Your face has been declared a weapon of mass disgusting!
Kif Kroker: [laughing] Timeless.


"Futurama: In-A-Gadda-Da-Leela (#6.2)" (2010)
Zapp Brannigan: Magnify that death sphere.
[Screen zooms in on a pixelated death sphere]
Zapp Brannigan: Why is it still blurry?
Kif Kroker: That's all the resolution we have. Making it bigger doesn't make it clearer.
Zapp Brannigan: It does on CSI Miami.


"Futurama: Proposition Infinity (#6.4)" (2010)
Kif Kroker: The news is so violent. Let's watch Rachel Ray instead. No, wait! There might be chopping.


"Futurama: Lrrreconcilable Ndndifferences (#6.11)" (2010)
Zapp Brannigan: Great leader, I offer you a sacrifice.
[Holds up Kif]
Zapp Brannigan: How about this?
[Lrrr takes off one of Kif's legs]
Kif Kroker: Hey!
Lrrr: [Eats leg] He'll do.


"Futurama: Where No Fan Has Gone Before (#4.12)" (2002)
[Fry is in a Captain Pike-style life-support machine]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Do you understand the charges?
Kif Kroker: One beep for yes, two beeps for no.
[Fry beeps once]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Yes, so noted. Do you plead guilty?
[Fry beeps twice]
Captain Zapp Brannigan: Double yes. Guilty.