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Quotes for
Tommy Shafter (Character)
from "Titus" (2000)

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"Titus: Intervention (#1.8)" (2000)
Tommy Shafter: Why did you tell him?
Erin Fitzpatrick: I...
Ken Titus: She didn't! I heard her tell her mom on the phone.
Tommy Shafter: You told your mother! Oh, my God. What does she think of me?
Christopher Titus: Worry about what I think of you!

[Ken reveals that Tommy had a dream about Titus, in which Titus was naked]
Tommy Shafter: The nudity, it wasn't gratuitous, it was integral to the plot of the dream!
Christopher Titus: [disgusted] There was a plot?
Tommy Shafter: You were a pirate.
[Titus moans in disgust]

Tommy Shafter: But, we do have a gift for you: the gift of love.
Ken Titus: Well, I hope you kept the receipt.

[Ken has revealed that Titus borrowed money from the business account]
Tommy Shafter: Oh, my God. I was up all week preparing those tax returns.
Ken Titus: Isn't tax fraud a felony?
[Tommy begins wheezing]

[Christopher wants Ken to start drinking again]
Ken Titus: Hey, I can start drinking any time I want.
Christopher Titus: Then go ahead. Drink it.
[Christopher crouches down next to Ken]
Christopher Titus: Wussy.
Erin Fitzpatrick, Tommy Shafter, Dave Scouvel, Ridge: Whoa!
[Erin, Dave, Tommy, and Ridge all take cover]
Ken Titus: Wussy?
Christopher Titus: [standing tough, but then his voice breaks] You heard me.

Christopher Titus: Tommy, you don't cater an intervention. We have to get dad to face his problem with alcohol. What we need here is love, strength, understanding...
Dave Scouvel: A stun gun.
Tommy Shafter: [holding up a taser] Everyone, next to the shrimp puffs.
[crackles taser]

Christopher Titus: Get these out of here.
Tommy Shafter: This is the way I deal with stress, okay? I'm not on board with this, but if we're going to do this, we might as well have finger foods!

"Titus: Hard-Ass (#2.19)" (2001)
Tommy Shafter: Well, it's Amy. Someone's turning into a woman!
Amy: Yeah. And I'm looking at her.

[Tommy is lying on Titus's porch]
Ken Titus: There's a huge pile of gay on your front porch.
Tommy Shafter: [from the porch] I'm not gay!
Ken Titus: Yeah, tell it to your shirt!

Tommy Shafter: It's Amy! Well, well someone's turning into a woman.
Amy Fitzpatrick: Yeah, and I'm looking at her!

Tommy Shafter: What's that behind your ear? It's a nickel!
[produces a nickel]
Amy: What's that behind your ear?
[slaps Tommy in the face]

Tommy Shafter: Amy look, my thumb came off.
Amy: [zaps Tommy with a taser]

Amy: You people are pathetic, ya know, do the world a favor and don't have kids. I'm outta here, losers!
[turns to face Tommy]
Tommy Shafter: Hi!
[zaps Amy with her taser]
Tommy Shafter: And the nickel wasn't really behind your ear!

"Titus: Titus Is Dead (#2.1)" (2000)
Tommy Shafter: [shocked] Mr. Titus and the nurse are having sex!
Dave Scouvel: Ohh! That would explain the sounds of Dad and the nurse having sex.

Erin Fitzpatrick: Here's some rubbing alcohol.
Christopher Titus: Ahh, pour it in my eyes!
Christopher Titus: What?
Christopher Titus: The nurse and dad are having *sex*!
[Erin gasps]
Tommy Shafter: [entering from the living room] Mr. Titus wants some salt, but I think I can sneak some Mrs. Dash by him.
Erin Fitzpatrick: Papa Titus and the nurse are having sex!
[Tommy begins wheezing]
Christopher Titus: Tommy!
Tommy Shafter: [still wheezing] Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!
Christopher Titus: Tommy!
Dave Scouvel: [entering from the bedroom] Now that is Jell-O with a capital "O".
Tommy Shafter: [still wheezing] Mr. Titus and the nurse are having sex!
Dave Scouvel: Wow. That would explain the sounds of dad and the nurse having sex.

Tommy Shafter: We all know about your little tet-a-tet with Nurse Kathy.
Ken Titus: [to Christopher and Dave] Why is he always talking in some kind of gay code?
Tommy Shafter: I am not gay. And they don't have a code.
Ken Titus: How would you know that if you're not gay?
Tommy Shafter: [in tantrum-ish manner] I am not gay!
[Tommy realizes what he just did]
Tommy Shafter: [acting masculine] I'm gonna go help the girls in the kitchen.

"Titus: Tommy's Girlfriend II (#2.18)" (2001)
Ken "Papa" Titus: [Tiffany has run off in tears] A woman runs off in tears. For once I'm not on the ass of that.
Tommy Shafter: Damn you Titus! Damn you!
Christopher Titus: Tommy...
Ken "Papa" Titus: [Tommy runs after Tiffany] Another woman runs off in tears!

Tommy Shafter: Titus! Titus! Tiffany fell. I think she broke her neck. Call 911.
Nancy: Ah, I'll call 411 and get the number.
Dave: She's panicking. I will call 411 and get the number.
[neutral space... looking through the yellow pages]
Christopher Titus: Ah, 909, 910, 912. Nope, not listed.

Tommy Shafter: [about his open relationship with Tiffany] She's allowed to sleep with other people.
Christopher Titus: I see. And what do you get?
Tommy Shafter: I get to sleep with her.
Ken "Papa" Titus: This *is* Bob Marshall's bachelor party!

"Titus: Deprogramming Erin (#2.14)" (2001)
Michael: Erin's coming home with us. You got a problem with that? I'd be more than happy to Duke your Earl!
Christopher Titus: [sarcastically] Oh no, I better protect my Earl!
Tommy Shafter: Yeah, by shamalamming your ding dong!
Michael: He is talking about fighting, right?
Christopher Titus: Probably not.

[Titus has put Erin in a sack]
Tommy Shafter: I'm letting her out.
Christopher Titus: Go ahead.
Tommy Shafter: OWW!
Christopher Titus: She might bite you.

Tommy Shafter: [after Erin tries to escape in Ken's truck] You tried to run me over!
Erin Fitzpatrick: Damn right.
Christopher Titus: Yeah, well, I popped the tires! Ha!
Erin Fitzpatrick: Not my truck. Ha!
Ken Titus: That's gonna cost you five hundred bucks. Ha!
Christopher Titus: Well, you left your keys in the car!
Ken Titus: [holding up keys] Ha!
Christopher Titus: [nervous laugh] You hot wired the truck? Nice!

"Titus: What's Up, Hollywood (#2.4)" (2000)
Ken Titus: You're being too hard on yourself, son.
Christopher Titus: "Son"?
Tommy Shafter: "Too hard on yourself"?
Dave: "Being"?

Ken Titus: This fruity, freaky pick-up you built me! It got me arrested!
Christopher Titus: What?
Tommy Shafter: Mr. Titus, calm down.
Ken Titus: Shut up, I'm talking to my moron!
Christopher Titus: "Moron?"
Tommy Shafter: "Shut up"?
Dave Titus: "I'm"?

Ken Titus: What the hell did you do to my truck?
Tommy Shafter: Come on Mr. Titus, be nice. It's got 20-inch foose-billet wheels, custom paint, shift-kit, 2-4 suspension, drop-ported heads. Oh, man if you don't think this is the most bitchin-est double throw-down street truck you've ever seen, you can kiss my ass!
Tommy Shafter: I am so sorry.
Christopher Titus: It's okay, Tommy. Dad, this is the best work I have ever done. I'm really proud of it. Come on.
Ken Titus: I love it.
Christopher Titus: And?
Ken Titus: It's great.
Christopher Titus: Okay, you're not even trying. Can someone get him a beer, right now?
Dave Scouvel: Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait. What's my middle name?
Ken Titus: How the hell should I know?
Dave Scouvel: It's Dad, all right.
Christopher Titus: Okay Dad, what exactly do you "love" about the truck?
Ken Titus: Well, the wheels, the grill, the paint. Good job, boy!
Christopher Titus: [terrified] I don't know what your game is Old Man, but this truck sucks and you know it!

"Titus: Dave Moves Out (#1.3)" (2000)
Tommy Shafter: Mr. Titus, I think having Christopher arrested is acting out in a way that's just plain unhealthy.
Ken Titus: I disagree. I had a headache before, but now it's gone.

Tommy Shafter: Hey, Titus, can I have a quarter for the meter?
Officer Charlie Regan: Yellow Subaru?
Tommy Shafter: Yeah.
Officer Charlie Regan: Too late.

"Titus: After Mrs. Shafter (#3.17)" (2002)
Perry: [entering Faye's house] Hello?
Faye: Perry!
Erin Fitzpatrick: Mr. Shafter!
Tommy Shafter: Dad?
Ken Titus: Homo!

Tommy Shafter: [challenging Ken to a fight] Mr. Titus, let's go. You and me.
[Tommy searches his pants for his brass knuckles, then remembers Erin took them away]
Tommy Shafter: Oh, right. They're gone.
Ken Titus: I could have told you that.

"Titus: The Test (#2.2)" (2000)
Tommy Shafter: That's it! I am out of here. You know,
[motions to Ken]
Tommy Shafter: a man who's been married five times questioning *my* manhood?
[motions to Christopher and Erin]
Tommy Shafter: And the two of you just sleeping around on each other! You people make me sick, I need a shower!
Ken Titus: Maybe it'll be filled with naked men.

Christopher Titus: Tommy's a hypochondriac. In fourth grade, he traded his lunch with another kid so he could get in the vaccination line twice.
Tommy Shafter: [lifting up his shirt] Feel this. I think it's a lump.
Christopher Titus: It's your nipple.
[Dave reaches out to touch it, but Titus slaps his hand away]
Christopher Titus: Turn the heat up.

"Titus: Red Asphalt (#1.6)" (2000)
[thinking they're going to die, voicing their regrets in life]
Tommy Shafter: I never got to sleep with Erin.
Christopher Titus: What?
Tommy Shafter: I have thoughts.
Christopher Titus: Should have taken that one to the grave! And I am SO telling your waitress!
Tommy Shafter: Oh, who cares? By now she thinks I'm a hermaphroditic drag queen in a bunny suit.
Erin Fitzpatrick: I never got to see Ireland.
Christopher Titus: Honey, you never got to see San Diego.
Erin Fitzpatrick: [dryly] That helps.

Tommy Shafter: Dave, look! A cow.
Dave Scouvel: That doesn't work every time.
[Dave quickly looks out the car window]

"Titus: Tommy's Not Gay (#3.3)" (2001)
[Titus, Erin, and Dave are trying to prove that Tommy isn't gay]
Dave Scouvel: I'll settle this.
Tommy Shafter: What?
[Dave grabs Tommy and kisses him - long and hard]
Tommy Shafter: [disgusted] Oh, my God!
Dave Scouvel: Did you like that?
Tommy Shafter: No!
Dave Scouvel: Then you're not gay.
Tommy Shafter: What?
Dave Scouvel: Hey, if he's not turned on by me, he's not gay.
Christopher Titus: [scared] You have got to stop smoking pot.

Tommy Shafter: [having used the words "skosh" and "daquilicious" in conversation] Oh, my God. "Daquilicious." "Skosh." I'M A HOMO!
[Titus spit-takes his beer in surprised shock]

"Titus: The Wedding (#2.24)" (2001)
Titus: Where's my tux?
Tommy Shafter: Somebody's bringing it.
Titus: "Somebody" who?
Tommy Shafter: Nobody. Dave.
Titus: No!

"Titus: The Protector (#3.21)" (2002)
Tommy Shafter: Titus, you can't do this, stop it!
Christopher Titus: Tommy, Erin's niece has been living with us for three months, it's my responsibility to protect her I'm not gonna let some bully harass her, I hate bullies.
Tommy Shafter: You're gonna beat up a kid with a bat!
Christopher Titus: What's your point?

"Titus: The Gift of the Car Guy (#2.17)" (2001)
Christopher Titus: Erin!
Erin Fitzpatrick: Tommy!
Tommy Shafter: Erin!
Christopher Titus: Tommy!
Tommy Shafter: Erin!
Erin Fitzpatrick: Tommy!
Dave Titus: Dave!
Christopher Titus, Erin Fitzpatrick, Tommy Shafter: Dave!
Dave Titus: Thank you.

"Titus: Bachelor Party (#3.13)" (2002)
[Tommy is delivering a baby after everybody refuses to do so]
Tommy Shafter: Oh yeah, you can all talk, but when push comes to shove, who's the man, huh?
[He looks at the woman, and passes out. His head falls on the woman's thighs. Everybody stares]
Ken Titus: Tommy's head in a woman's crotch. I never thought I'd see that.
Christopher Titus: Yeah, he's right. Dave, take a picture.
[Later, when Tommy comes around... ]
Tommy Shafter: [groggy] Hey Titus, I had the strangest dream... I dreamt I was stuffing a turkey and I passed out with my hands inside it...

"Titus: Episode Eleven (#1.9)" (2000)
Christopher Titus: [at the hospital, where Ken is being treated for a heart attack] Tommy, how's dad?
Tommy Shafter: I am not talking to you! You know, does the word "patricide" mean anything to you?
Christopher Titus: Uh, "patricide: to kill your father." I looked it up when I was eleven. What are you talking about?
Tommy Shafter: By "kill your father", let's see, I mean you tried to kill your father! How does it feel, father killer?
Dave Scouvel: Did you patricide Dad?
Christopher Titus: No!
Tommy Shafter: He tried! Mr. Titus wanted to take a date out on his boat. And he spent three angry hours trying to start it because some, oh, heart attack causing moron - don't hit me; his words, not mine - took the distributor cap. Well?
Dave Scouvel: Well?
Erin Fitzpatrick: Well?
Christopher Titus: You're acting like he never tried to kill me!

"Titus: Life Forward (#2.16)" (2001)
Tommy Shafter: [about Christopher] Jerry, this man ran his hot rod shop into the ground, and has not done one thing to get his business back on its feet. J'accuse!
Jerry October: Please don't say that anymore.
Tommy Shafter: Sorry, Jer.
Jerry October: And don't call me "Jer".
Tommy Shafter: Sorry.
Jerry October: Stop apologizing.

"Titus: Tommy's Girlfriend (#2.7)" (2000)
[Tommy has mistaken Titus' instructions about running into an old girlfriend]
Tommy Shafter: You said make it look like an accident.
Christopher Titus: Not a *car* accident! Who are you? Dave?
Dave Titus: Yeah, dumbass.

"Titus: The Trial (#3.7)" (2002)
Prosecutor: Mr. Shafter, I understand you filmed the killing?
Tommy Shafter: No, that's incorrect.
[the prosecutor holds up a video tape]
Tommy Shafter: I videotaped the killing. In a film "style."

"Titus: The Smell of Success (#2.13)" (2001)
[a customer has asked for his deposit back]
Tommy Shafter: You wrote him a bad check for six thousand dollars.
Christopher Titus: 'Cause I don't have a *good* check for six thousand dollars.

"Titus: Private Dave (#2.20)" (2001)
Tommy Shafter: [laughs] Panties! Panties, panties, panties, panties. It makes you feel dirty just saying it. Panties!
Calvin: [wheels up behind Titus and Tommy] Panties!
[he surprises Titus and Tommy]

"Titus: The Reconciliation (#2.8)" (2000)
Tommy Shafter: You better keep her satisfied in the bedroom! Cause she is a Nympho! No I mean Mr. Titus used to tell me all those stories about her. No you know how I used to think about her. I mean I used to take forty minute showers. Battleship! We should play Battleship! I'll go get mine at home.

"Titus: Grandma Titus (#3.8)" (2002)
Tommy Shafter: Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?
Grandma Titus: Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
Tommy Shafter: I'm not gay.
Grandma Titus: Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.

"Titus: Dad's Dead (#1.2)" (2000)
[after Titus tries to get Tommy to discover Ken's "dead" body]
Tommy Shafter: I don't want to see Mr. Titus like that. He was like a father to me.
Christopher Titus: Yeah, he was "like" a father to all of us.

"Titus: Three Strikes (#2.21)" (2001)
Tommy Shafter: Titus, if I die, please get the porn from under my bed before my mom cleans out my room. And also, if you look at it, keep an open mind.

"Titus: Titus Integritous (#1.5)" (2000)
[Titus is refusing, on principle, to add a racing wing to a custom hot rod]
Christopher Titus: I'm doing the right thing. I'm integritous.
Tommy Shafter: "Integritous"?
Christopher Titus: [dismissively] It's a word.

"Titus: Insanity Genetic: Part 1 (#3.19)" (2002)
Tommy Shafter: Where are the in-flight snacks? I have no nuts!
Ken Titus: [smirking] Truer words, my little nutless friend.
Tommy Shafter: You shut up.

"Titus: The Surprise Party (#2.3)" (2000)
Tommy Shafter: Great, another party I wasn't invited to.
Christopher Titus: Don't step in the blood!

"Titus: Tommy's Crush (#3.10)" (2002)
Stefan: If you want to have this baby, let's discuss it.
Shannon: Didn't Christopher tell you ? I lost the baby. I had a mis-carriage.
Stefan: Oh thank God !
Shannon: [looking up] What ?
Stefan: I am so full of happy.
Christopher Titus: [walking in] What ? She just lost a baby.
Stefan: I understand. Good things happen to good people.
Tommy Shafter: [walking in] What ?
Stefan: Yes, yes. Now I can still have my career and we don't have to discuss getting rid of the baby.
Erin Fitzpatrick: [walking in] What ? You, you are just a big... swedish... meatball.
Dave Scouvel: [walking in] What ?