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Quotes for
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings (Character)
from "Dempsey and Makepeace" (1985)

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"Dempsey and Makepeace: The Squeeze (#1.2)" (1985)
Spikings: [walking towards his office, followed by Makepeace] I know what you are going to say and the answer is no. You were going to ask in you impeccable Bedale's English weather I would reconsider pairing you with that Yanky Doodle Dandy.
Makepeace: Look, sir, I can't work with that man...
Spikings: Harry, I don't want Dempsey in my firm. My Gov'nor don't want him either, But the home office have different ideas.
[quietly]
Spikings: And between you and me, who else would I pair him with? That bunch of animals out there? He wouldn't stand much of a chance with them, would he?

Spikings: [about Dempsey] Besides, he's only with us for 12 months. Lie back and enjoy it. Think of England.

Spikings: Oh, by the way, Dempsey...
[Dempsey turns round in the dooropening]
Spikings: May I?
[holds out his hand]
Dempsey: May you what?
Spikings: May I have that piece of artillery that's solely dislocating your left shoulder?
[Dempsey hesitates]
Spikings: It's not necessary, it's against the law and it'll ruin the cut of your jacket.

Spikings: Dempsey, when the prime minister and the home secretary instructed me to set up this special unit to combat major crime, I did not expect to be wet nursing ex vietnam soldiers touting bazooka's.

Spikings: [on phone in office] By the way, how is the great American disaster?
Makepeace: [on other line] A long way up my nose.


"Dempsey and Makepeace: Blind Eye (#1.8)" (1985)
Lt. James Dempsey: I ain't crowded, I'm crackered.
Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace: Crackered?
Lt. James Dempsey: Yeah, cream crackered.
Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace: Sorry?
Lt. James Dempsey: [sits down next to her] Cockney rhyming slang: cream crackered; knackered.
Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace: You're learning fast.
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: You two finished?

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: [lying on the floor, bleeding] What are you after, Makepeace? Promotion?

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: Is Dempsey's last stand finished out there? Get him.


"Dempsey and Makepeace: Mantrap (#3.9)" (1986)
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: [on phone] Tufty, Gordon...
[turns away from Dempsey and Makepeace]
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: Mad Gordon.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace: So, who told you not to shout?
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: Oh, local quack. Told me to relax.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: [taking CB from Chas] Goldfish Niner, this is Big Daddy speaking. Your notes don't make sense.
Lt. James Dempsey: [on walky talky] They do to me, Big Daddy.
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: Prey, who is Ostrich One?
Lt. James Dempsey: Nobody yet, it's a codename. I think it's the guy behind the nine heists. I haven't got a positive ID on him yet. But we're looking for a diamond group with large overseas connections.
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: Speak plain English, Goldfish.


"Dempsey and Makepeace: Jericho Scam (#3.3)" (1986)
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: Dempsey, you're a clown.
Lt. James Dempsey: Yeah, but under the greasepaint my heart is breaking.
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: Shut up!

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: [to Makepeace] Amazing. Amazing! You're lips move and I hear Dempsey's voice!

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace: Well Dempsey thinks that Harris...
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: He doesn't! Dempsey thinks the case is solved when he knows who the bad guys are. It doesn't have to go to court, it doesn't have to be proved beyond any reasonable doubt!


"Dempsey and Makepeace: Set a Thief (#2.7)" (1985)
Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace: Eh, she lived alone, chief. Worked for a small agency.
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: I'm not a red Indian, Makepeace, I'm a detective superintendent. If you want to call me anything, call me 'sir'. Still picking up bad habits?
[indicating Dempsey]
Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace: Still trying not to, sir.

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace: So, I've been checking the address book that Chas found at her flat.
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: You're not going to tell me she had the whole Tory party down in alphabetical order, are you? 'Cause if you do, I shall start laughing. I shall go: Ho. Ho. Ho.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: And by the way, where is Starsky or Butch or whatever he calls himself?
Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace: I dropped him on Albert Bridge. he wanted to do some legwork.
[winks]


"Dempsey and Makepeace: Nowhere to Run (#1.6)" (1985)
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: Ah, Makepeace. Welcome back to the 20th Century. No bows and arrows in this one, I'm afraid, just big nasty bullets.

Lt. James Dempsey: Black September? What is that, an English weather report?
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: It's a terrorist organisation financed by drug running.

Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: What in hell do you call this, Dempsey? Don't you know where you are yet? This is Wandsworth, not Chicago!
Lt. James Dempsey: Hey! You can't blame me for this, I wasn't driving.
[realizes he's carrying two guns, hides them under his armpits]


"Dempsey and Makepeace: Lucky Streak (#1.3)" (1985)
Spikings: Whatever he did was fast and clean and right under your nose, copper.
Dempsey: What do you want me to do, resign? Confess? Okay, so I was playing cards and I left my X-ray vision at home. Sue me. I'm human.
[takes a bite of toast]
Spikings: We've only got your word for that Dempsey. Personaly, I have some doubts.

Spikings: Well what do you want, Chas? It it's blood, I haven't got any.

Spikings: [talking to Dempsey on the CB] Keep your bullets where they belong on this one, eh? Under your armpit.


"Dempsey and Makepeace: Given to Acts of Violence (#1.4)" (1985)
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: [brushing his hair with his hand like he always does in times of stress] Haggis, haggis... I hate the Scotch. I hate them even more than the bloody Yanks!

Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace: [forced to land a plane] Dempsey, I'm scared.
Lt. James Dempsey: [talking her down from ground control] No, you're not. You're just nervous.
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: She's nervous?


"Dempsey and Makepeace: Silver Dollar (#2.1)" (1985)
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: [picks up the phone] Commissioner? They've done it again. Petrol station this time. But we may have got them. Someone spotted the getaway van. Commissioner, I don't care what squad they're from - Special, Diplomatic or Obscene Publications. If this tip-off is right we would seem to have cornered a whole bloody military platoon. And all I've got on the spot is a crazy Yank who thinks he's Clint Eastwood and my only intelligent detective. *She* I don't want to lose.

Lt. James Dempsey: [after bringing in Reuben Osuna on a horse, Dempsey hands in his badge] I quit.
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: Why?
Lt. James Dempsey: Because I've had it. With Tinkerbell. I've had it. Up to here.


"Dempsey and Makepeace: The Hit (#2.8)" (1985)
Lt. James Dempsey: We're looking for a male caucasian, average hight, average built.
Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace: That covers about 60 villains in our precinct.
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: [takes offence to her choice of words] Precinct?
Det. Sgt. Harry Makepeace: I thought I'd make him feel at home.

Lt. James Dempsey: So what am I supposed to do, just 'cause I'm another American, I can wonder out into the street and I'll be able to find Joey 'the Mouse' Dalaney? Huh, pick him out in a crowd?
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: That's about the height and weight of it.


"Dempsey and Makepeace: Judgement (#1.10)" (1985)
Spikings: Chas, call the editor of the Standard, ask him to hold the final edition front page till we get the photo to him, huh?
Chas: Right, gov.
Spikings: It's three fifteen now, he can hold it till four but he won't like it. Tell him if he runs it before we get the stuff to him, I'll push that photofit where a photofit doesn't fit.

Spikings: Come on you two, don't sit there all day. We've got a murder, two bank jobs, a jewel heist and a gang land war at the office. And it's still only Monday.
Dempsey: [empties his coffee cup on the grass] The man is subhuman.
Makepeace: Actually, he's very upset.
[calling after Spikings]
Makepeace: Now just a minute, sir!
Dempsey: [adding his support] Yeah!
Makepeace: [Spikings turns round] Dempsey and I are going to bed.
Dempsey: Yeah?
Makepeace: Separately.
Dempsey: Was it something I said?


"Dempsey and Makepeace: Guardian Angel (#3.10)" (1986)
Dempsey: [about Spikings] Sometimes it's hard for me to get my head around the fact this guy is on the same side I am.
[walks off]
Spikings: [sitting in his car] I heard that, leftenant!

Dempsey: Me and Makepeace, see, we'll set up a full surveillance and then the whole thing should just fall right in our laps.
Spikings: That may prove rather difficult.
[takes a piece of paper from a file, hands it to Dempsey]
Dempsey: What's this?
Spikings: From Harry. She's resigned from the force.


"Dempsey and Makepeace: The Prizefighter (#3.4)" (1986)
Spikings: There are hundreds of cars stolen every day.
Mrs. Spikings: Yes. Maybe, but would you mind doing something about getting this one back?
Spikings: This is not the stolen car department.
Mrs. Spikings: I know that, Gordon, but it is my car we're talking about.
Spikings: [agrivated] Then why don't you try contacting your local police station?
Mrs. Spikings: Gordon, I normally change cars every summer. But I didn't change this car last year because I'm particularly fond of it.
Spikings: [raises his voice] I have four un-
[notices Makepeace standing in the doorway]
Makepeace: Excuse me.
[closes the door after her]

Spikings: You know a villain's weak points? Greed and careless talk. There's not one villain can resist talking about his exploits.


"Dempsey and Makepeace: Make Peace Not War (#1.7)" (1985)
Spikings: [on phone] Listen, Hillary, you're talking silly money. For King Solomon's mines I want more than just a name. So screw your nut and come up with some details.

Makepeace: Incidentally, how did daddy take the news of my death?
Spikings: With a Havana in one hand...
Makepeace: And a Scotch in the other.
Spikings: Irish.
Makepeace: Yes, I forgot, always Irish...


"Dempsey and Makepeace: The Cortez Connection (#3.8)" (1986)
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: [picks up phone] Who's that?
Simone: [on phone in bar] Hi, I wanna speak to Dempsey.
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: He's not here. Who is this?
Simone: This is a surprise... When will he be back?
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: Too soon for me, and by the sound of it not soon enough for you.


"Dempsey and Makepeace: No Surrender (#2.4)" (1985)
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: You have 15 minutes to get those animals... dead or alive, I don't care.


"Dempsey and Makepeace: The Bogeyman (#2.10)" (1985)
Chas: [about Dempsey] He can't stop talking about this Lymon character. He expects everyone in the building to be on this case. Like nothing else matters.
Spikings: And you think it might affect his judgement.
Chas: I think he may have a personal involvement. I don't know what or why. It could be dangerous.
Spikings: For him?
Chas: For everyone.


"Dempsey and Makepeace: In the Dark (#2.9)" (1985)
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: Ten billion? Counterfeit notes?
Det. Sgt. Chas Jarvis: That's what Dempsey said.
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: And he asked for backup?
Det. Sgt. Chas Jarvis: Priority.
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: My God. You know what that means, don't you? Let's get moving. Before he sinks half the merchant navy!


"Dempsey and Makepeace: Cry God for Harry (#1.9)" (1985)
Spikings: I have been asked, no, I have been ordered, to grant you leave of absence.
Makepeace: I'm sorry, I don't understand, sir.
Spikings: Join the club, Makepeace, join the club.


"Dempsey and Makepeace: Love You to Death (#2.3)" (1985)
Spikings: This is not Dallas, this is dull old London, remember? We don't have many snipers here. A tower, a Queen and some warm beer, but not many snipers.


"Dempsey and Makepeace: Blood Money (#2.6)" (1985)
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: Oh Dempsey, you will ask him nicely, won't you? We don't want his reply from the hereafter.
[Dempsey touches his breast and leaves]
Chief Supt. Gordon Spikings: Was that a promise, or was he just checking his gun?


"Dempsey and Makepeace: Extreme Prejudice (#3.5)" (1986)
Spikings: [talking on CB in office] Dempsey, you will be both cooperative and polite. Over.
Makepeace: [standing next to car, receiving] Roger sir, eh, would you please tell leftenant Dempsey to make his own way there?
Spikings: I thought he was with you?
Dempsey: [takes the receiver] I'm right here, chief. You can tell sergeant Makepeace I wouldn't ride with her if she was naked on a Harley Davidson with a rose in her teeth.
[Makepeace grabs back the receiver]
Spikings: What the hell is going on there?
Makepeace: Tell leftenant Dempsey he should be so lucky, over and out.
Dempsey: You know, sometimes I think we're too hard on the boss.