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: Careful, Roger! Don't slam the door. Roger Addison
: Why? Your brother taking a nap? Kay Addison
: No, I have his favorite cake in the oven, strawberry shortcake. I don't want any noise or vibration in the house for the cake might fall. Roger Addison
: Great, strawberry shortcake for him. Girl Scout cookies for me.
: Where is that loafing brother of yours? Did he bring my car back yet or did he sell it? Kay Addison
: Doll, Ralph has had a lot of tough breaks and he needs us now. He's been unemployed for several years and he has no place to live. It's just until he gets back on his feet. Roger Addison
: You know what his problem is? He's not cut out to be a press agent. He should take any job he can get as long as he's gainfull and legaly employed. Kay Addison
: I don't agree with you. Someday he'll stumble upon some great big publicty stunt, and he'll be on his way. Roger Addison
: Out of my house I hope.
: [looks at a $40 parking ticket that Ralph got
] I am not paying this ticket. Ralph
: Oh, brother-in-law, you don't want me to go to jail, do you? Roger Addison
: You bet your sweet... Kay Addison
: [cutting Roger off
] Doll! Roger Addison
: Kay, I am not paying that parking ticket. Ralph got the ticket. Let him pay it himself from the money out of his unemployment check. Kay Addison
: Absoulutely not! You heard the poor boy at how long he waited in line to collect it. Roger Addison
: You are incredible... both of you! That't it! I'm going out to play golf. Kay Addison
: You can't. Roger Addison
: Why not? Kay Addison
: I already promised Ralph that he could borrow your clubs this afternoon. Ralph
: You can have them tomorrow, Roger. Roger Addison
: Great! Now, I'll have to go shopping for new golf clubs!
: [seeing Kay carring a serving tray
] What's this? Kay Addison
: Ralph's breakfast. Roger Addison
: At one in the afternoon? Kay Addison
: Ralph only got up an hour ago. He didn't get much sleep for he was up most of the night. Roger Addison
: Yeah, I know. I heard him. Running up and down the stairs to the refrigerator. Kay Addison
: Give him a break. You know Ralph is a compulsive eater when he's not working. Roger Addison
: If he doesn't get out of this house and go find a job, he's going to be a compulsive starver. Next to him, Mister Ed, that lazy horse of Wilbur's has had a job at the Tally Ho Stables for over a month now. Kay Addison
: Are you comparing my brother to a horse? Roger Addison
: Why not? He eats like one.
: Oh, your wife came by. She took Carol to a women's club meeting. Roger Addison
: Club meeting? I hope you have a good photo of your wife. Wilbur Post
: Why? Roger Addison
: You may not be seeing her for years. You let your wife join the Women's Committee for Civic Improvement? Wilbur Post
: What is so terrible about that? Roger Addison
: Before Kay joined the W.C.C.I., I had a wife. Now, I've learned I've married a Gypsy. Wilbur Post
: Oh, she doesn't leave you alone that much. Roger Addison
: I have to stick pins in a map to keep track of her.
: Wilbur, when you let your wife join that women's club, you became a husband without portfolio. A married bachelor. A man in search of a can opener. Wilbur Post
: Now, hold on. You just don't know my wife. Roger Addison
: Your wife, my wife, they're all the same. First they get married to escape from their parents. Then they join clubs to escape from their husbands.
: I'm terribly excited about this, and I put your name down for a fifty-dollar contribution toward the statue. Roger Addison
: Why is it in a country of free speech, every time you open your mouth it costs me money?
: How did you like Kay in leotards? Roger Addison
: She looks like a plucked chicken trying to wriggle off a butcher hook. Carol Post
] I'll tell her what you said. Wilbur Post
: You had your lunch? Roger Addison
: No. Why? Wilbur Post
: I think you just lost your dinner. Roger Addison
: Well, the way Kay cooks, my loss is my stomache's gain.
: What do you say, doll? Shall I beg Doctor Ed to operate on you? Roger Addison
: Never! Kay Addison
: But you can't go through life without a condenser. Roger Addison
: Does it make any difference to you? Kay Addison
: Oh come on, you just got to get Doctor Ed save you. You know how awful I look in black. Roger Addison
: No! I don't want that quack of a horse to operate on my brain. Besides, his fee for the operation is ridiculous. $10,000 for a simple brain operation. Kay Addison
: But it's only money. You can't take it with you if you die. Roger Addison
: Yes, I can. I'll eat it before I go.
: Wilbur, would you do me a favor? Wilbur Post
: Sure, what is it? Roger Addison
: Will you let me borrow your horse this weekend for State University's Homecoming football game? Wilbur Post
: I doubt they'll accept him. He never graduated from high school. Roger Addison
: I'm serious. I went today to visit the boys at Sigma Nu Delta, my old fraternity. It seems that State U's rival college, Brighton University, stole their mascott, a palomino horse. So, I promised the boys that the could use your horse for this weekend's homecoming football game. What do you say? Wilbur Post
: Well, since you promised...
[Mister Ed shoves Wilbur from behind
] Wilbur Post
: You can't have him. Roger Addison
: Why, thank... I beg your pardon? Wilbur Post
: Maybe you should find another horse. Ed's very uncomfortable away from his home. Roger Addison
: But the university is only a 20 minute drive from here, and the boys will bring him back right after the game. Wilbur Post
: Well, since they'll bring him back...
[Mister Ed again shoves Wilbur from behind
] Wilbur Post
: You can't have him. Roger Addison
: Wilbur, I've already promised the boys that they could have your horse. You're putting me in a difficult position. Wilbur Post
: If that's the case...
[Mister Ed shoves Wilbur a final time
] Wilbur Post
: Then, you're in trouble.
: Roger, I came over here to ask you about the neighbor that lived in the house before me and Carol... Roger Addison
: Mr. Oldfelt? Wilbur Post
: Yes. I've been trying to get information about him. Did you know him very well? Roger Addison
: Yes, we were quite close. Wilbur Post
: Did you ever exchange confidences with him? Roger Addison
: Yes, quite often. Wilbur Post
: Did he ever tell you about his horse? Roger Addison
: No, what about his horse? Wilbur Post
: Did he ever tell you that his horse talks? Roger Addison
: No, Oldfelt said a lot of funny things but he never...
[Addison's face lights up and he takes a step away from Wilbur
] Roger Addison
: Would you repeat that please? Wilbur Post
: He never said anything to you about his horse talking? Roger Addison
] No. Wilbur Post
: Did the horse ever say anything? Did you ever hear the horse talking? Roger Addison
] The horse? No, why? Did the horse talk to you? Wilbur Post
: Well... yeah. He's been talking to me all afternoon.
: [while waiting for the Posts to answer their front door
] Now, Kay, I want you to promise me that you won't interfere with their lives again. Kay Addison
: I did not interfere. Roger Addison
: Why do you have to make the whole world miserable? I'm married to you - let's keep it in the family.